pentyne posted:

12:05 PM eastern standard time, the Muslims have vanished. Check for yourself if you don't believe me. Where have they gone to?

There is speculation, of course. Scientists mention a cosmic storm that passed the Earth on January 20. A man says they are all in caves. Certain groups lament a faulty Rapture. A woman says he has taken their power and absorbed it into himself. She means Barack Obama. I doubt it, but he does seem somehow taller. The ground rumbles at times. The breaking news says WASHINGTON DC, with red concentric circles. I'm uneasy, but what can we do? Terror is defeated and if Obama were a Muslim, he'd be just as gone as them. There's no cause for alarm.

Within months, Barack Obama has declared a war on vague unease. It's a good idea, because frankly we could all use some peace of mind. Approval rating is higher than ever now that the Muslims had left, but I don't think we are happy yet. His eyes are shining sometimes, as a deer's eyes shine in a flashlight beam. Small fissures criss-cross the pavement. Trees are swaying, but the breeze is gone. Something is changing in our world.

Aeroplanes don't exist anymore. Scientists explain that the density of the air is too low to support their wings. Then how do we breathe?! We should have died by now, but I think we are evolving. Our bodies haven't changed, but the atmosphere..

One man says it was the rapture after all, and we have since entered the Kingdom of God. Barack is now the size of an oak tree. He sleeps outside since the rains have ceased, and his skin is thick to bullets. Now he wanders through he countryside impassively. He ignores a rural photo-op. He studies a leaf for twenty days. Only a fool would call this Heaven.

Satellites fall to earth like rain used to. No friction burns them away, so we trudge past countless flecks of solar panel and ribbons of golden cloth. It's a silent car crash every few hours, though cars themselves no longer run. No oxygen remains to ignite their fuel. Obama strides across the landscape, taller than the Freedom Tower. We've given up on assassination; all men are immortal now, and guns no longer fire.

I'm starting to wish the Muslims were back.

We found them with a telescope. Images of a colony on the right side of the moon. See the parts that jut from the lower right? I think they're mosques. Soon they are visible to the naked eye, but how? Their cities are enormous. We watch them as they live and die. They have our former atmosphere; the moon is fringed with blue. "Look at how they wield their guns," writes a man. "I always said he'd take our guns away." They eat and sleep like we once did, building worthless ziggurats. We have everything we wanted, but oh how we envy their strife!

It's long been clear that Obama brought this uncomfortable perfection upon us, but I can't bring myself to blame him for it. He's reminded us all of how our lives had been discarded out of fear. I know now why he grows each day. In time, when we are ready he will reach out into space. He will raise us up in his great hand, to this new Earth that gleams like a frozen star. And if Obama does not carry us, we can climb...

Larry Parrish posted:

that dipshit sent me a pm good lord.

Arrhythmia posted:

okay, fine, i'll play pathologic 2!! jesus!!

Tetramin posted:

I wish I had some good rear end sagas to offer to the thread right now because it feels like two weeks of the most boring political forum poo poo for thousands of posts.

Anyone remember the sega killer??

Pimpsolo posted:

I'm positive it isnt. We actually had our yard dug up to lay cable when we got the Cable modem installed, and they did the entire neighborhood because they were installing optical lines, I believe. I have been absolutly assured that this is cable theft. The guy was totally honest, and very candor about explaining everything he was doing. He checked the lines, allowed me to watch whatever device thing he was using, showed me the secret cool screen that shows your ip and stuff on the cable box. He actually did make a phone call to find out about the wire from my house. There is no way he just made up some story to get me off his back

I'm about to squad up. Wish me luck.

Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:

Jezza of OZPOS posted:

"scansion" is a word I've never heard before but is completely usable from the get go which is loving awesome thank you for bringing this to light

Heath posted:

This is gonna be another one of those goon meme words isn't it, where it starts showing up around the forums where people try to find a way to jam it into contexts where it doesn't belong and where they actually mean "prosody"

Inexplicable Humblebrag posted:

guess you'll just have to go enlighten everyone

MarcusSA posted:

Lol how many times are they going to have to lock and unlock the war thread in gbs before they just shut it down for good lmao.

Just close it already ffs lol

qnqnx posted:

Do go on about your obsessive watching of that thread.

MarcusSA posted:

If you don’t think it’s funny I dunno what to tell you

Spanish Manlove posted:

It's more pathetic than funny.

MarcusSA posted:

If you don’t think it’s funny I dunno what to tell you

Tism the Dragon Tickler posted:

Are people still doing the thing where they claim they're getting doxxed because people are making fun of their ancient posts from a few months ago or whatever?

qnqnx posted:

Where PMs ever made to be able to be reported or is it still a contact the admins deal?

qnqnx posted:

At this point this is the equivalent of hounding a disabled hobo, coming in at random to report on their latest pratfalls and hunger pains.

Stux posted:

shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kchama posted:

Contact the admins and hope they care. The guy who is harassing people like that is the white hand whose entire gimmick is PM harassing people he's too terrified to reply to in a thread. He did it to me too after after I asked him a question in the D&D Ukraine thread, because apparently he was too scared to discuss his posts publicly. If anyone got their PMs disabled, it should be him.

By the way, when I asked him the question again in PM, he just replied "never forget you're not worth it, bitch" and fled in terror.

TheNamedSavior posted:

I am convinced Eric was writing to vent off from his 9/11 angers, and apparently he thinks literal child soldiers to kill brown people-sorry, aliens-is not objectionable or bad at all. Why? Because amerikkka is a hell of a drug.

Cuttlefush posted:

pms should be public or disabled imo

Nuns with Guns posted:

I was looking at that Imp Zone thread where the crazy person posted and god every post is like this:

What a determinedly miserable person.

Psycho Landlord posted:

Lmfao I really wanna see the corkboard that connects the dots between the covenant and the middle east

Nuns with Guns posted:

I was looking at that Imp Zone thread where the crazy person posted and god every post is like this:

What a determinedly miserable person.

The Kins posted:

Back during the development of Halo 2, The Arbiter was originally planned to be called The Dervish. It was changed to avoid an unintentional US-versus-Islam analogy, what with the Iraq war going on at the time. This probably sounds crazy, but it's something that's actually been acknowledged by people who worked on the game, and the change was apparently so last minute that some of the game manuals actually got printed with the old name.

That's probably not what TheNamedSavior was going on about though, because they are Hella Cray.

Psycho Landlord posted:

Given he's talking about a lovely tie in novel written before halo 2 was announced I am confident they are in fact simply insane

qnqnx posted:

The Bible Code but with game novels of dubious canonicity. Gnosticism for the terminally online.

Runa posted:

time to be the post rememberer for something