|
GoGoGadget posted:she did re-affirm that we most likely will not be having sex before marriage  fuckin love the dissonance here
|
#
?
Mar 9, 2023 00:45
|
|
Yes, it's like a lava lamp.
|
|
| # ? May 18, 2024 14:49 |
|
|
hey believing getting married is a magical key to a satisfactory sex life is a tradition going back thousands of years
Xand_Man fucked around with this message at 03:57 on Mar 9, 2023 |
|
#
?
Mar 9, 2023 01:02
|
|
|
Wait are you considering monogamy with someone who won't have sex with you in the sex thread
|
|
#
?
Mar 9, 2023 01:03
|
|
|
So among religious people waiting for marriage, there’s this belief that once you’re actually married, automatically it’ll be wonderful and you’ll be all over each other and hanging from the chandelier and being perfectly in love having perfect sex. It’s a great story and maybe sometimes it happens. Usually what happens is that all of the abstinence-based threats and guilt are still hanging over her head, sex isn’t really an option (sometimes literally physically impossible), and everyone is miserable. https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/advice/a37617/i-waited-to-have-sex-until-i-was-married/ https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/overcoming-good-girl-syndrome-how-sexual-guilt-is-getting-in-the-way-of-your-sex-life/ A lot of narratives are from an evangelical perspective, but don’t worry, Catholic middle-aged virgins can be just as hosed up. I think we all want both of you to be happy, but you should know you’re betting with huge stakes here. The question isn’t just “what if the sex is healthy but we aren’t on the same page for drive/kinks/etc.”, the question is “what if someone’s sexuality has been so warped and shamed that sex is no longer even a positive option, and they may or may not actually want to change that.”
|
|
#
?
Mar 9, 2023 01:09
|
|
i like nice words
|
Grassy Knowles posted:She doesn’t “seem to” disagrees with the actual words the human being is saying about being happy with things. “Happy with things as they are” and saying she’s more verbally expressive sometimes, barely because I told her it was a problem for me /= enjoying sexual stimulation. You could say the exact same phrasing for someone who tolerates sex with their partner because it makes their partner happy. Do you think someone who says they “are happy with thing as they are” at their job actually enjoys their job? The point of all this intensity and scrutinization isn’t that people here think there is a 0% chance this woman will enjoy sex or change after marriage. The point is that marriage is some magical made up thought experiment. Getting married will not, ever physically change someone’s libido or physical enjoyment of sex/sex acts. After they’re married this woman will not magically be able to get off. And historically, people as a whole who have difficultly masturbating or receiving selfless pleasure from a partner will receive even less from PiV. And this person posting about their issues very clearly has a problem with it. They’re trying to convince themselves that things will change, and even if they don’t change they’ll be happy. But it’s obvious to me that they absolutely will not be happy if sex stays where it is now (10 months into a relationship at mid-30s) or back steps, which seems extremely likely.
|
|
#
?
Mar 9, 2023 02:38
|
|
|
Me thinking she wasn't enjoying things was me getting in my head for a couple reasons. One, the physical relationship wasn't where I wanted it to be. Two, she doesn't express when things feel good like I'm used to. We have since discussed our physical relationship and how I was unfulfilled in that aspect of our relationship. She told me that she does enjoy what we have done together and just needs time to adjust as she hasn't been as physical with anyone before me, both in frequency and how far things go. Like I said, I've moved past worrying about her orgasming, because she isn't worried about it and told me she still enjoys physical intimacy with me. After I expressed to her that the frequency at which we were being physically intimate wasn't where I wanted it to be, she resolved to fix that and told me that I just need to be more open with her about things. I know with both the discussions we've had and the chemistry we have when we are physically intimate that things will continue to advance and get better. They already have. It seems like some of you are assuming she's a cold, distant person that witholds sex as punishment or something. That isn't the case. When we are physically intimate there is a lot of passion there, she just isn't ready for PIV sex. Nowhere did I say that marriage was going to "fix" anything, nor do I expect that. Some of you seem to just be hung up on the fact that someone wanted to wait until marriage to have sex and can't get past that. I really don't care what you think about that. I am happy enough in the rest of our relationship and love her enough for reasons beyond physical intimacy that I am more than willing to be patient about all of that, especially with how receptive she has been to my needs so far. Also, I'm not even going to bother defending myself in how I'm not "rebounding" from my divorce. You don't know anything about my previous marriage other than that we had a great sex life, so kindly shove that "advice," please.
|
|
#
?
Mar 9, 2023 22:57
|
|
|
GoGoGadget posted:Me thinking she wasn't enjoying things was me getting in my head for a couple reasons. One, the physical relationship wasn't where I wanted it to be. Two, she doesn't express when things feel good like I'm used to. We have since discussed our physical relationship and how I was unfulfilled in that aspect of our relationship. She told me that she does enjoy what we have done together and just needs time to adjust as she hasn't been as physical with anyone before me, both in frequency and how far things go. woof well, this’ll be here for when you need it: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3386887&perpage=40&noseen=1&pagenumber=966
|
|
#
?
Mar 10, 2023 02:04
|
|
|
GoGoGadget posted:Not sure where you got that impression. OP posted:I was with my ex-wife for nearly 20 years, and we had an amazing sex life. After the divorce I went a bit crazy  GoGoGadget posted:It seems like some of you are assuming she's a cold, distant person that witholds sex as punishment or something. That isn't the case. When we are physically intimate there is a lot of passion there, she just isn't ready for PIV sex. I think for some of us, it seems like you were hounding her about "OK better like this? How about this? If I try this? What if I twist like here..." and getting extremely self-conscious and in your head about her not having the same experience that other people you've been intimate with have had. Combined with the fact that she seemed exceedingly not into being super physical like touching your weiner on the reg if sounds like you're being high pressure about this all. Even the statement above is kind of dismissive-- she just isn't ready for piv. I know it feels like you're getting piled on here, but honestly, a lot of what you're talking about seems completely focused on your expectations, your pleasure, your expectations, and how she's coming up short (enjoyment, frequency, previous dick-touching experience). Has she volunteered what she enjoys? Even something simple like holding her? Because like go from there as an expectation and not "I held her naked for 20 minutes she'll be ready to strap on this suckling rose vibe now!" Hell try tantric techniques or massage or something that isn't edging closer to getting your dick into her ffs. FilthyImp fucked around with this message at 05:38 on Mar 10, 2023 |
|
#
?
Mar 10, 2023 05:31
|
|
|
Has OP’s fiancée-to-be-maybe ever had PiV sex before? Stuck a dildo up there or something similar? Has that been brought up and I just missed it, or is she like a real-deal virgin when it comes to vaginal penetration? Because if that’s the case, then for all OP knows, she might wind up hating penetrative sex, or find it physically uncomfortable or even painful. She might have a medical condition that prevents her from having PiV intercourse, and neither of them could know until after they’re married.
|
|
#
?
Mar 10, 2023 06:25
|
|
|
GoGoGadget posted:It seems like some of you are assuming she's a cold, distant person that witholds sex as punishment or something. I understand you love her and sex isn’t the center of your relationship etc. Just be sure that you would be happy with your relationship if this was the farthest and most frequent sex you ever got, if PIV was off the table even after marriage. Not because she’s mean or anything deliberate, but because she may have really serious trouble doing a 180 from what she’s heard all her life.
|
|
#
?
Mar 10, 2023 08:20
|
|
|
Get her a loving vibrator or change your username, holy poo poo
|
|
#
?
Mar 10, 2023 09:58
|
|
cowboy
|
FilthyImp posted:
Way to take a snippet of a sentence out of context. Just because I began having casual sex with people in situations I definitely would not now ("going crazy") does not mean I'm rebounding from my divorce or not over it. It was more than a year and a half ago now and we were becoming more and more distant each year. At first I was asking too many questions about what felt good and getting her too in her head, yes. I am not doing that anymore. Nowhere have I indicated she has an issue with touching me at all, which she doesn't. She enjoys giving me pleasure. As far as pressuring her, no, absolutely I have not. When we discuss sex she always thanks me for my patience and understanding as she gets more used to being physically intimate. Ok Comboomer posted:Has OP’s fiancée-to-be-maybe ever had PiV sex before? Stuck a dildo up there or something similar? Has that been brought up and I just missed it, or is she like a real-deal virgin when it comes to vaginal penetration? Yes, you missed that part I guess? She hasn't had PiV sex, had never given a blowjob before me, and had only given handjobs a handful of times before to two guys. She does not regularly masturbate and did not own any sex toys. She does enjoy when I finger her though, and has even specifically requested it. Anne Whateley posted:I don’t know if anyone’s saying that. I’m certainly not. What I’m saying is that growing up in an explicitly super sex-negative, most likely misogynistic, culture built on guilt and punishment fucks up a lot of people. Including people who are nice and want to be good and deserve to be happy. It fucks them up enough that getting a blessing isn’t guaranteed to completely and permanently unfuck them. We've discussed this and she doesn't feel guilt over any of the things we've done and that isn't the reason she doesn't want to have PiV sex yet. She simply has waited this long due to a mixture of religion (at first,) fear of pregnancy due to trauma with her sister growing up, just not feeling comfortable in previous relationships, not having had a relationship as serious as ours before, and inertia. At this point she wants to wait until marriage because she's gone this far, so why not wait a year more? But that may change. She has said that if we do have sex before marriage it will definitely be with condoms (due to the pregnancy fear issue, which goes so far as to be irrational even by her own admission.) FFT posted:Get her a loving vibrator or change your username, holy poo poo Already have. I bought her the rose clit sucker toy. She didn't like it that much the time we have used it together, and she hasn't used it on her own.
|
|
#
?
Mar 10, 2023 19:45
|
|
|
Six flags workers gonna be busting in here trying to take their red flags back, goddamn
|
|
#
?
Mar 10, 2023 21:41
|
|
|
At some point, you just have to accept that telling some internet stranger not to marry someone simply ain't gonna work. It's up to Gadget whether he is happy taking the risks, he says he is, I am not sure there's anything else anyone can contribute.
|
|
#
?
Mar 11, 2023 18:16
|
|
|
treating it as a risk/reward thing, and not a prerequisite, is the whole issue like if they're not certified freaks, then that's it. Full stop. I don't date them anymore, never mind choose to marry them if you're not enthusiastic about a sex in a butt or a mouth then I don't see a romantic future with you at all
|
|
#
?
Mar 11, 2023 18:31
|
|
|
sounds like you could be real good friends but it might be a good idea to just not have any sexual expectations 'cause sexual compatibility is important for that.
|
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2023 03:49
|
|
|
I'm just confused about the whole "won't have sex until marriage" combined with "keeps trying for orgasm". Like I get it, but PiV ain't the be all, and if you aren't happy with the sex you have without penetration then sticking it in isn't gonna make it better for anyone involved. You're already having sex. And it doesn't sound like it's going great lol
|
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2023 04:51
|
|
|
Good lord y’all if one hasn’t been intimate because one has been waiting for marriage it can take a while to orgasm with a partner. That’s not abnormal. It’s also not really informative about how sex will be later in the relationship.
|
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2023 05:51
|
|
|
Bar Ran Dun posted:Good lord y’all if one hasn’t been intimate because one has been waiting for marriage it can take a while to orgasm with a partner. you’re entirely missing the crux of people’s issues if that’s your interpretation of their comments
|
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2023 05:56
|
|
|
Nah My wife and I waited. What the OP is describing seems pretty normal in that context. It takes time and patience and taking to each other. Those are good skills to have to because a couples sexual compatibility and desire will change over time in one’s relationship. It’s not the same a decade or two in as the start.
|
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2023 06:12
|
|
|
Bar Ran Dun posted:Good lord y’all if one hasn’t been intimate because one has been waiting for marriage it can take a while to orgasm with a partner. Thanks. Yeah, it really just seems like it's a time thing. She hasn't been intimate with other people in the ways she has been with me, not even really with herself. Each time we are physically intimate there is improvement in her feedback as she becomes more comfortable and opens up more. syntaxfunction posted:I'm just confused about the whole "won't have sex until marriage" combined with "keeps trying for orgasm". Like I get it, but PiV ain't the be all, and if you aren't happy with the sex you have without penetration then sticking it in isn't gonna make it better for anyone involved. Yeah, it does seem like you're confused. Or you just read my very first post and ignored anything after that. I was originally very concerned that she hadn't been able to orgasm, but have since moved past that after discussing it with her and knowing that she is greatly enjoying what we do, even if she is unable to orgasm. Nowhere in any context have I even remotely implied that PiV would change any of that? Not sure where you got that at all. And it is going great, we have amazing physical chemistry. She's just very inexperienced, both with and without a partner.
|
|
#
?
Mar 14, 2023 14:27
|
|
|
I suggest a paddle. Those girls who have trouble with pleasure can frequently find it through kink Or just don't listen to internet strangers who are clearly missing important details, since you did the smart thing and just talked to her and communicated.
|
|
#
?
Mar 18, 2023 18:47
|
|
|
RFC2324 posted:I suggest a paddle. Those girls who have trouble with pleasure can frequently find it through kink Noooooooo Or, at least, not without a lot of talking first!! Kink is not a magic solve-everything button for psychological sex hangups, especially not the kind that involves power exchange!
|
|
#
?
Mar 18, 2023 22:49
|
|
|
RFC2324 posted:I suggest a paddle. Those girls who have trouble with pleasure can frequently find it through kink Talk to her first!!!!! Antivehicular posted:Noooooooo
|
|
#
?
Mar 18, 2023 22:51
|
|
|
Obviously talk first, but my nonreligious wife with no obvious hangups has a lot easier time getting off if she's not 'responsible' due to easily removed Velcro handcuffs 'holding her in place'.
|
|
#
?
Mar 18, 2023 23:12
|
|
|
Standards are slipping, nobody's suggested weed and butt stuff yet
|
|
#
?
Mar 18, 2023 23:23
|
|
|
Perhaps being the sole and only point of sexuality, encompassing the entirety of another persons sexuality, is the greatest kink of all.
|
|
#
?
Mar 19, 2023 00:39
|
|
|
Nah it’s butt stuff
|
|
#
?
Mar 19, 2023 01:26
|
|
|
Instructions confusing, stuffed weed in butt and am now questioning the thread's conventional wisdom.
|
|
#
?
Mar 19, 2023 18:16
|
|
|
necrobobsledder posted:Instructions confusing, stuffed weed in butt and am now questioning the thread's conventional wisdom. Did you decarb the weed first?
|
|
#
?
Mar 19, 2023 18:25
|
|
|
Some women cum from you looking at them funny, others never do. Your partner might need years of built up trust and intimacy as well as a very powerful vibrator to get there, or just a guy she fancies a bit more. There's no way to know until you know. Try not to worry about it and have fun.
thotsky fucked around with this message at 19:59 on Mar 21, 2023 |
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2023 12:45
|
|
|
Anne Whateley posted:I understand you love her and sex isn’t the center of your relationship etc. Just be sure that you would be happy with your relationship if this was the farthest and most frequent sex you ever got, if PIV was off the table even after marriage. Not because she’s mean or anything deliberate, but because she may have really serious trouble doing a 180 from what she’s heard all her life. This is the part I don't think we've seen an answer to, OP. And while all relationships, including marriages, are subject to renegotiation and (as you well know) termination, tying the knot greatly complicates both. So, making the assumption of sexual exclusivity, to be blunt: Are you okay with this being the most satisfaction you have with partnered sex for the rest of your life? Because (and again, making certain assumptions about monogamy based on what you've already told us) that's a real possibility you are agreeing to. Not the only possibility, sure, but it's there, and marriage is saying you're willing to accept that. If you're anything less than willing and eager to accept your sexual relationship as it is, you shouldn't make that commitment. And neither "maybe it will get better over time" nor "maybe it will stop bothering me eventually" are willing and eager. If that's not something you can accept, then it's something you need to address. Maybe that's through putting the wedding off until you are willing and eager, maybe that's having an uncomfortable conversation... but hell, if you're already agreeing to give someone the permission to, say, pull the plug on you if something happens and you get put on life support, I'd hope you feel comfortable talking things out. But if you don't address it, if you just ignore it, you're setting the marriage up for failure. That may be an eventual infidelity or a growing resentment that poisons the relationship over time, but it will affect the marriage. To borrow a phrase from Dan Savage: sex is older than us, sex made us, and, in the end, sex always wins.
|
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2023 18:11
|
|
|
Antivehicular posted:Noooooooo I was hoping the second half would make it clear that the first was not meant to be taken seriously. And yes, rule #1 of kink is over communication, which is why the nightstand should always have a clicker
|
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2023 18:21
|
|
|
I think Gadget has spoken in a way that ha acknowledged those concerns but we are not owed any kind of answer here if he doesn’t want to directly address answering that q.
|
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2023 18:24
|
|
|
This whole conversation kinda worries me. I'm someone that for whom sex is physically difficult due to a disability It sucks rear end that I can't do much in bed. Also patriarchal sex bullshit blahblahblah. I'm worried that I won't be able to please my future partner. I'm a cis woman, btw.
|
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2023 20:32
|
|
|
Violet_Sky posted:This whole conversation kinda worries me. I'm someone that for whom sex is physically difficult due to a disability It sucks rear end that I can't do much in bed. Also patriarchal sex bullshit blahblahblah. I'm worried that I won't be able to please my future partner. I'm a cis woman, btw. Please do not have this worry, in every meaningful relationship I've been in sexiness has been a willingness to engage; not any specific ability or appearance. Whats important is communicating clearly about it and not ignoring the situation, which is what people are expressing their worry about (though I think it's gotten inappropriate).
|
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2023 20:38
|
|
|
Yeah, I probably should've simplified as "make sure you talk about ________ early, before breaking up involves lawyers," since that applies to a lot of things, sex and otherwise.
|
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2023 21:35
|
|
|
RFC2324 posted:I was hoping the second half would make it clear that the first was not meant to be taken seriously. That's fair, but given how common an attitude "femsub BDSM is empowering and liberating to everyone and basically the default, and any woman who isn't into it is some kind of prude" still seems to be in sex-positive circles, it's not a particularly funny joke.
|
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2023 21:51
|
|
|
Violet_Sky posted:This whole conversation kinda worries me. I'm someone that for whom sex is physically difficult due to a disability It sucks rear end that I can't do much in bed. Also patriarchal sex bullshit blahblahblah. I'm worried that I won't be able to please my future partner. I'm a cis woman, btw. Maybe it’s getting lost in the argument sauce, but no one engaged in this convo throwing up warnings is concerned about the partners lack of sex/lack of anything. The singular thing everyone is concerned about is the expectation (or the willingness to gamble) that things will change in the future. Plenty of people are in 100% sexless, unconventional sex, minimal sex, repetitive sex, and everything in between relationships, and those can all be totally healthy and great. This whole convo the last couple pages is not about what kind of sex they’re having, it’s about expectation setting and not setting yourself up for failure.
|
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2023 21:58
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 18, 2024 14:49 |
|
|
The quality of the sex, or the fun I have had sharing it with another person has never really related to whether or not they or I came. Enthusiasm, personal connection and novelty is what sticks with you, in my opinion. That said, it sounds like a challenge. I don't believe anything is ever hopeless, but maintaining realistic expectations and finding someone who shares them could be tough. Hell, that's often challenging for able-bodied people.
|
|
#
?
Mar 21, 2023 21:59
|
|