Zamboni Rodeo posted:

Cartoon Man posted:

kazil posted:

box in a dick

Baron von Eevl posted:

Ooh, a letter from prince Albert!

No. 6 posted:

Delivering the male

Soul Dentist posted:

Really, nobody's done "malebox"?

Hyperlynx posted:

https://twitter.com/NoahGarfinkel/status/1655009056871022592

theflyingexecutive posted:

I can see the confusion, they're both Philips' screwdrivers

The Real Amethyst posted:

Whenever I walked on the train tracks as a kid there would be big shits every hundred meters or so.

crusty posted:

What were your parents feeding you??

Quackles posted:

Look, when I'm in Italy I'll go get whatever the authentic pork belly meat is. Right now, my uncultured rear end will use bacon.

HappyCamperGL posted:

Jowl, not belly.

Reubenesque Sandwich posted:

Tilt your monitor up?

Thats so Brad! posted:

Introduction

I have been stripping for over a year now, which is a long time for anyone who is not doing it to pay for college. I strip because it is empowering, akin to modeling or body art in that it allows you to express yourself sexually and get paid buttloads (literally) to do it.

If you're interested in becoming a stripper or have questions about stripper life/culture feel free to ask them in this thread.

Newbie FAQ

I want to be a stripper but don't know where to get started
I'd recommend browsing the yellow pages for local strip joints and calling them. I do NOT recommend just walking up to the strip club and asking them if they're hiring. This isn't freaking Kinko's, please call ahead and schedule an appointment.

How much money can I make?
This all depends on how fit you are and how skillful you can strip dance. This isn't like a normal job where you work longer for promotions, it's more like a sales job where you need to perform to get your pay. Regular strippers can expect to earn anywhere from $400-$800 base pay and the rest is earned in tips (SuperStrippers can easily earn thousands in a single night on top of base pay). You can expect to get anywhere from $1-$3 dollar tips for bar dancing and $20-$40 for lap dances. VIP room ranges wildly so I won't even get into that. It all depends on how attractive you are and your enthusiasm.

:?:How to pole dance?:?:
Easy: watch other strippers. There really isn't much to pole dancing except being in shape and memorizing a few crowd-stunner moves. I'll let you in on the easy beginner moves later in the OP and some of my own special moves.

:?:How to bardance/lapdance?:?:
See above. It's the same skill set as pole dancing, really.

Will I get raped?
Hopefully not. Your strip club SHOULD have an army of bouncers to keep creeps away, do NOT work at any strip clubs where you feel the owners is not on your side 100%.

You don't find this demeaning?
As a male stripper I find this job more expressive and refreshing than demeaning. Female strippers may get a different rap but it's really all how you personally perceive it.

Am I pretty enough to strip?
Males: You need to cut the gently caress up. Either skinny or musclebound it doesn't matter as long as you have a six-pack and a defined chest. Nobody is going to care that you can squat 400 if you're covered in a huge layer of fat rather than the Ahnuld type.

Females: Do your breasts come out farther than your stomach? If so, you're in! Look at yourself in the mirror honestly, there's always a strip club that will take you but less attractive girls will be reduced to working in seedy joints that pay very little.

Some EASY Pole Dancing Moves

This is from the male perspective but it's really the same thing for girls. Just remember that your audience will respond best to aggressive tendencies. FORCE THEM TO RECIEVE YOU.

The Jiggle
Crawl on the floor and arch your rear end up into the air. Bend your slightly and rapidly to make your rear end bounce up in down. Either put your rear end crack on the pole or in someone's face and do this for about 10-30 seconds.

The Spin
Grab hold of the stripper pole and leap with one leg forward like an Olympian at the hurdles. Let your momentum carry you around the pole and land softly/gracefully as best as possible.

The Bodyroll
Imagine a big rubber ball rolling from the top of your head down to your toes and let the ball push your body in a snake-like movement. Practice in the mirror before trying this on stage.[/b]

The Motorboat
Slide your targets face from your abdomen to between your breasts (alternatively put their face in your rear end crack) and twist back and forth to buffet them between your meat sacks. Twist HARD you want them to get knocked off balance.

The World Tour
Easy, just grab your target's face and pull it into your crotch. Grind that poo poo on their face until they turn blue.

Brief Guide to Lap Dancing
You're getting bigger money for lap dances so feel free to make it worth their while. Many strippers such as myself won't put their mouth on someone until they get them into the lapdance room. A general guideline to follow with lap dances is make sure you're constantly grinding something. Either their face, their crotch, or their chest you need to be constantly moving.

BITE THEIR EAR AND LICK THE SIDE OF THEIR FACE. I cannot stress this enough. BITE HARD. Listen to their breathing and judge their reaction to what you're doing to them. I like to try to rip their ear off with my teeth and then 'kiss it better'. This is the money maker in the lapdance room, put your mouth on them. Don't feel limited to the face either, go for the nipples and the sides of the abdomen.

Some of MY Special Moves

Don't steal these please, this is just to give you some of my special tricks and inspire you to come up with your own.

The Brad Banana Special
I picked this one up in Thailand. Basically what I do is cut up a banana then piece it back together inside of a banana peel. Ever so carefully, I insert the banana into a certain orifice and unpeel the banana whilst doing so. Dance around for a little while then deposit a freshly chopped banana onto the table of your target. If done right they will believe you cut the banana into pieces inside of your body. A real crowd pleaser.

Candy Surprise
Either tape a piece of candy to yourself under your starting outfit or paint yourself with candy paint. Invite your target under your clothing and fish the candy into their mouth or wipe the painted area on their lips. I've notice black people especially like this trick.

Anyways if you have any questions about stripping or want to share some crazy stripper stories this is the thread for that.

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

EorayMel posted:

That's so... good goddamn am I sick of your worthless gimmick. You waste more mod/admin time than anyone I've seen. Do you know how many Brad threads have been gassed this week? This month? THIS YEAR? Jesus gently caress, the gas chamber is clogged to poo poo with your worthless attempts to be funny, all of which are miserable sack of poo poo failures much like your life up and until this point. As soon as I've hit submit, I'm dedicating my life to building a time machine with the SOLE PURPOSE of going back in time and forcing your father to pull out. Thank you for finally providing me with my life's goal. Now get the gently caress off my internet.

zoux posted:

Hopefully Matt Mervis because these levels of cubsposting are unsustainable

Popete posted:

I will cubspost over .400 this season

zoux posted:

You will regress to the mean!

Mr. Fix It posted:

i love this sequence, but it probably requires familiarity with SAS baseball thread culture to enjoy

JackSplater posted:

If I do this, my arm smells exactly like buttered popcorn. Especially if it singes the hairs.

I have no idea why.

Bubblyblubber posted:

The fat goon jokes are just writing themselves now, huh?

Stink Billyums posted:

the early internet was the wild west and we're world weary townsfolk who remember when the wild bunch rode through

CannonFodder posted:

One of my cousins used to post on SA, in D&D in fact, and when I visited them in 2020 we were talking about the dumb poo poo we read back in 2007 and whatnot, and then he had to explain to his daughter what we were talking about.

He did use the wild west analogy. Then he had to explain what the wild west meant. That was fun to watch.

Data Graham posted:

*record-scratch noise*

ymgve posted:

then we had to explain what the record-scratch noise was

Dementropy posted:

Raku posted:

This is bullshit because Indians can actually run a casino

Athaboros posted:

For a brief moment I got excited about a Morrowind farming game but then I remembered...everything else about the setting. No Dres simulators, please.

Stuporstar posted:

As Telvanni, I’d not use slaves to farm but reprogramed spider centurions to crawl around and tend all the rows

And steam centurions to beat any Dres saboteurs into fertilizer as I put them outta business along with their horrible slave trade

FlocksOfMice posted:

No as a Telvanni you use slaves to farm, but you equip them with CE Restore Fatigue and Fortify Strength items. Evil villain option you keep them in line with damage willpower spells, more realistic option you keep them in line by you're a Telvanni and you don't give a gently caress about anything so one of your slaves is injured or sick and comes up to you like "Muthsera I am--" and you're like "Yeah yeah whatever Cure All Diseases on Touch Restore Health 100 pts Restore All Attributes 10 pts get back out there." Best health plan you can find in Tamriel.

You just keep giving them all your lab practice equipment and the Twin Lamps shows up and is like "We're here to liberate you" and Peels-the-Shells is standing there in glass armor with fifty enchantments on it and holding a scythe that reaps every saltrice stalk in the field with one sweep and the Twin Lamps is like "It's disgusting how you are forced to labor in the fields all day"

and Peels-the-Shells is like "My buddy, look, our Telvanni vampire wizard lord doesn't pay attention to anything outside of their experiments, I've worked a single half-hour in the past month, when the last overseer started whipping us we killed him and our owner was like 'Well you managed to kill him so I guess your argument was right, that's how we do things' and now I make 3,000 drakes a month because our vampire wizard overlord doesn't understand the value of money and only thinks in the value of souls so like."

and then the Twin Lamps is like "Yeah but wait a vampire? So every night you're--" and Peels-the-Shells is like "I'm gonna stop you right there of course our vampire wizard lord doesn't want competition or to have to put in any effort so yeah they feed on us and then cast Cure Disease and Restore Health on us and also as a vampire they don't want the temple snooping around so we're basically free to do whatever we want, we're actually celebrating a khajiiti holiday this weekend it's cool"

I'm not even shitposting Master Aryon's got Smokeskin-Killer running his security and Divath Fyr's former slave is now his partner and I'm PRETTY sure he doesn't mean, like, business partner but more in the sense of how he keeps him and his daughters good company in the sense that he's part of the clone polycule this is just what Telvanni DO you just kind of collect a ton of slaves and then realize systematic oppression is so much WORK so you just end up freeing them and now it's like you in charge and everyone else is former slaves walking around in artifact-level equipment doing whatever with no oversight because you are a vampire wizard and you're really more interested in how far you can push this Jump spell...

LifeSunDeath posted:

https://i.imgur.com/2LtchWJ.mp4

Fishstick posted:

Rover Haus?

TheMechaJesus posted:

First of all, most of you are going to call me a human being,
well do I have news for you. Right before I started
making this thread I had sex, with MY GIRLFRIEND. Thats right,
and I didnt use a condom either. Just to prove here is a picture of
us together after Prom Night.

Now that you are all jealous of me and wishing you had just gotten to
'tap that poon', i've got something to say.

gently caress ALL OF YOU

gently caress you SomethingAwful forums. This is a hosed up place inhabited
by nerds with inflated egos and poor social skills. I bet most of you
havent even had sex. Pussies. I had sex when I was 13 you sad sacks
of poo poo. And oh yeah, I didnt use a rubber then either. You all sit
online all day making funny jokes to each other and YANKING EACH
OTHERS COCKS. What the gently caress!? GO OUTSIDE, RIDE A BIKE, FLY A
KITE YOU NINNY human being.

Jesus its like all you guys care about in life is the forums. Fyad
and GBS alike you are both horrible ces pools of nerd insecurity and
social maladjustment. gently caress You all make me sick.

To sum up my point I have prepared an MP3 in the style of KEVIN FAGMASTER BONIN
Dear
Richard.mp3 [PRO CLICK FUNNY HIGH PITCH LMAO MP3 BEES]

gently caress YOU ALL SEE YOU IN HELL

Here are some pictures I think are funny and/or fat lmao

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

Jay Rust posted:

You know...
the ambulance is leaving the hospital, with a patient in the back, with the sirens on, it actually is a lil weird

boofhead posted:

Me, trying to fight a Belgian: you wanna throw hands bro??!

The Belgian, excited: sure, whose hands?

Icon Of Sin posted:

Helicopters are aerodynamic blasphemy, created by Sikorsky himself and further refined into even more blasphemous creatures (aka the Osprey) by engineers with neither soul nor conscience. They don’t actually fly, the ground repels the foul beasts as best it can until it can trick them into crashing.

Ghost Leviathan posted:

I loosely remember cassette tape-shaped devices you could plug into car tape players with an audio jack in so you could plug them into your MP3 player or whatever.

zone posted:

https://twitter.com/Feher_Junior/status/1657138987365007367
Well, this happened.

Sedgr posted:

Needs the 70's sad hulk music.

Schweinhund posted:

right click -> unmute

https://i.imgur.com/u9K1nvo.mp4

edit: fixed the borders

CannonFodder posted:

I had one of those for my portable CD player because my car's cassette player would adjust the speed of the music to the speed of the car.

One speeding ticket later and I decided that Pearl Jam sounding like Dragonforce before Dragonforce was even a thing wasn't actually that fun.

Oh it was fun, but paying for a ticket was not fun.

Breetai posted:

I have an amazing idea for a video game but I'm gonna need a guitar hero controller, a steering wheel controller, and a shitload of super glue

Drone_Fragger posted:

Look, germans really just love examining their stools for diesease, even when they have no reason to and feel absolutely fine.

bossy lady posted:

Next to each toilet is a traditional german "Scheissemikroskop" for further analysis.

steinrokkan posted:

I read it as Scheissehoroskop, and it made a horrifying amount of sense

Captain Invictus posted:

EorayMel posted:

Captain Invictus posted:

Captain Invictus posted:

Kenning posted:

This is incredibly honorable.

Alan Smithee posted:

Pretty sure the only Union in WwE is the Jack on British bulldog’s pants

Breetai posted:

I have an amazing idea for a video game but I'm gonna need a guitar hero controller, a steering wheel controller, and a shitload of super glue

Zeroisanumber posted:

Just like you can't say you were slaughtered by a serial killer unless they have five dead people under their belt.

ikanreed posted:

You also can't say that if they do

LifeSunDeath posted:

Brawnfire posted:

Oh nice a REM cycle

Admiral Joeslop posted:

What do you call surgery to get more foreskins grafted on

thepopmonster posted:

The rings of Saturn.


No, really.

In the 17th century Catholic scholar Leo Allatius suggested that Jesus's prepuce had ascended to Heaven at the same time as Christ and might have become the rings of Saturn.

TaurusTorus posted:

This Jesus guy must have been hung!

dervival posted:

nah, they used nails not rope

Kenning posted:

This is incredibly honorable.

You Are A Elf posted:

Quitting a job that I honestly loved and enjoyed, ruined by two toxic fuckers (the boss and his yes pet) that dragged the whole place down. Best decision I recently made.

pencilhands posted:

What happened? Sounds interesting.

Harvey Mantaco posted:

He quit a job that he honestly loved and enjoyed, ruined by two toxic fuckers (the boss and his yes pet) that dragged the whole place down. Best decision he recently made.

projecthalaxy posted:

hate it when the yes pet is toxic

mostlygray posted:

Speaking of wire colors, I'm red/green color blind. Green, brown, red, orange all look the same depending on shade and context. Also, blue and purple look the same. I swear that no devices take red/green color blindness into consideration. When your server has an indicator light that says green=good, amber=notification, red=failure, I can't tell the difference at all. It wouldn't be hard to engineer the equipment to take into account the 1 in 10 people that are the same as me.

Dillbag posted: