Horror Thread: you're a child. that pisses me off

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Cinema Discusso > Horror Thread: you're a child. that pisses me off

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CelticPredator: Oct 11, 2013; 🍀👽🆚🪖🏋

It would look horrible and annoying

# ? Oct 5, 2023 04:00

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# ? May 25, 2024 23:41

Hollismason: Jun 30, 2007; An alright dude.

CelticPredator posted:

Sexy

*licks mallet*

Interesting. Dark Lord Sexy or just regular peasant sexy.

# ? Oct 5, 2023 04:04

CelticPredator: Oct 11, 2013; 🍀👽🆚🪖🏋

The kind of sexy that would make John hawthorn bust

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Oct 5, 2023 04:06

gey muckle mowser: Aug 5, 2003; Do you know anything about...
witches?; Buglord

In light of the inquisition I would like to stress that the question in my custom title is only to identify people who know about witches so I can stay away from them

# ? Oct 5, 2023 04:09

Xiahou Dun: Jul 16, 2009; We shall dive down through black abysses... and in that lair of the Deep Ones we shall dwell amidst wonder and glory forever.

I really should not have started paying attention to the continuity of Friday the 13th.

Did you ever think about how they technically take place in an alternate future? There�s a five year time-skip between 1 and 2 ; 2, 3 and 4 are a span of consecutive days ; 5 is actually pretty wonky and theoretically could be anywhere after 4 ; 6 Tommy is a grown-rear end man so it�s been at least 8 years barest minimum. (Likely more) That�s 13* years in the story but the movies come out one per year. So while the movie came out in 1986, inside the movie it�s 1993.

Then 7 loving happens. Bam, opening of the movie we got a young Tina and a calendar on the wall that says October 13. Because of a quirk of the calendar, there are more Friday the 13ths than any other day of the week, but you still only get one in a given month once a decade or so. For reference there is/was/will be a Friday the 13th in October for 1978, 1989, 1995, 2000, 2006, 2017 and 2023.

Absolute earliest, the beginning of 7 takes place in 1995, a whole 6 years after the movie�s release**. And that�s completely ignoring how they built that house and moved in in just two years. But that�s before Tina grows up and we jump forward even further. So really in 7 it�s the mid-2000�s at the earliest, but likely much later.

*Haha
*I never said it was the far future.

# ? Oct 5, 2023 04:16

Hollismason: Jun 30, 2007; An alright dude.

Yeah the Friday the 13th timeline does not make sense because when the gently caress is Jason Goes to Hell suppose to happen? The official timeline says 2003 because Freddy Vs Jason was 2003. Which means its 10 years into the future from 1993.

# ? Oct 5, 2023 04:23

Xiahou Dun: Jul 16, 2009; We shall dive down through black abysses... and in that lair of the Deep Ones we shall dwell amidst wonder and glory forever.

Well that goes into how I noticed that all the official stories are lies�

Also to make this reading make any sense you have to assume they�re undergoing some truly massive climate change what with all the palm trees in New Jersey.

# ? Oct 5, 2023 04:30

Deadite: Aug 30, 2003; A fat guy, a watermelon, and a stack of magazines?
Family.

PKMN Trainer Red posted:

There's a segment in one of the new Wes Anderson shorts (The Rat Catcher) that teeters dangerously close to horror, and it only makes me more curious what a Wes Anderson horror movie would be like.

You�ve probably seen this but I think it was well done so I�m posting it anyway

https://youtu.be/gfDIAZCwHQE?si=uaWHYhFib8DrQlRk

# ? Oct 5, 2023 04:36

Deadite: Aug 30, 2003; A fat guy, a watermelon, and a stack of magazines?
Family.

I put on Jeruzalem on a whim and I am regretting it.

# ? Oct 5, 2023 04:38

Crescent Wrench: Sep 30, 2005; The truth is usually just an excuse for a lack of imagination.; Grimey Drawer

Deadite posted:

I put on Jeruzalem on a whim and I am regretting it.

Well they keep threatening a sequel, so get on board now so you don't get left behind!

# ? Oct 5, 2023 04:45

Deadite: Aug 30, 2003; A fat guy, a watermelon, and a stack of magazines?
Family.

These are some of the worst American accents ever attempted.

And who knew that found footage could be made even worse by adding pop ups over it?

# ? Oct 5, 2023 04:54

Opopanax: Aug 8, 2007; I HEX YE!!!

Hollismason posted:

They could be innocent !

If the probe goes through they're a witch, if they're innocent God will cause a server glitch of some kind and stop it

# ? Oct 5, 2023 05:14

Shrecknet: Jan 2, 2005

When I win the lottery, I'm gonna open up a local theater and show A Bucket of Blood and Velvet Buzzsaw as a double feature.

# ? Oct 5, 2023 05:38

Heavy Metal: Sep 1, 2014; America's $1 Funnyman

https://tenor.com/view/pinhead-not-quite-not-quite-pinhead-hellraiser-hell-on-earth-gif-23096446

(Pinhead saying "Not Quite" is always funny)

Shrecknet posted:

When I win the lottery, I'm gonna open up a local theater and show A Bucket of Blood and Velvet Buzzsaw as a double feature.

Hell yeah! It's Miller time.

# ? Oct 5, 2023 05:39

Opopanax: Aug 8, 2007; I HEX YE!!!

Why would you show someone Velvet Buzzsaw? That's just mean

# ? Oct 5, 2023 05:43

Heavy Metal: Sep 1, 2014; America's $1 Funnyman

Here's a question, you're 50 minutes into a 1 hr 47 minute horror film. And it's not good, it's kinda boring and stuff. Do you A, soldier on and watch the rest? Or B, figure it's time to put the next 57 mins into another potential winner?

(Yes I'm in the middle of A Blade in The Dark)

I've enjoyed other Lamberto Bava movies, but this feels like he (and the writers) saw Tenebre and just kind of scribbled down some stuff over a weekend and made a really uneventful imitation.

Heavy Metal fucked around with this message at 05:50 on Oct 5, 2023

# ? Oct 5, 2023 05:46

Phy: Jun 27, 2008; Fun Shoe

Heavy Metal posted:

Here's a question, you're 50 minutes into a 1 hr 47 minute horror film. And it's not good, it's kinda boring and stuff. Do you A, soldier on and watch the rest? Or B, figure it's time to put the next 57 mins into another potential winner?

If you're me watching The Meg 2, you go to bed and have a good long think about how you've been using your limited time on this earth

# ? Oct 5, 2023 05:58

Heavy Metal: Sep 1, 2014; America's $1 Funnyman

Phy posted:

If you're me watching The Meg 2, you go to bed and have a good long think about how you've been using your limited time on this earth

Classic Meg 2 philosophical crisis. I haven't even seen Meg 1 yet!

# ? Oct 5, 2023 06:14

CelticPredator: Oct 11, 2013; 🍀👽🆚🪖🏋

Shrecknet posted:

When I win the lottery, I'm gonna open up a local theater and show A Bucket of Blood and Velvet Buzzsaw as a double feature.

No amount of money would ever allow a netflix movie to screen at a theater

# ? Oct 5, 2023 06:16

Xiahou Dun: Jul 16, 2009; We shall dive down through black abysses... and in that lair of the Deep Ones we shall dwell amidst wonder and glory forever.

That is exactly why I try to know if the movie is worth my time. Because I am pathologically incapable of not finishing a movie. Once I hit play I gotta see every frame or I�ll just explode or whatever is the threat behind my neuroses.

Also there totally should�ve been a DLC for the Friday the 13th game that would randomly let a dead player respawn as Tina from part 7. Once a counselor dies they respawn into a ghostly other world reflection of the map where they can see the living counselors and Jason but not affect them (or maybe they can turn lights on and off or something very minor to signal the living). As the dead counselors are running around and seeing how it goes, there�s a very small chance they can respawn as Tina. She�s super mid in terms of stats but you have psychic power attacks, modeled as environmental interactions that temporarily stun Jason. Now counselors have a strong incentive to stick around after dying, promoting groups to stay together and play multiple games (a frequent complaint). Also you could do a whole new pack of environmental interactions similar to Freddy�s kills (i.e. the best part of the game). Who wouldn�t want to grab Jason with some underbrush or knock him over with a broom or shove him down a dumbwaiter.

# ? Oct 5, 2023 06:21

M_Sinistrari: Sep 5, 2008; Do you like scary movies?

Hollismason posted:

You have been accused! How do you plead?

Um... I plead the fifth. :mildpanic:

# ? Oct 5, 2023 06:35

SidneyIsTheKiller: Jul 16, 2019; I did fall asleep reading a particularly erotic chapter
in my grandmother's journal.

She wrote very detailed descriptions of her experiences...

ruddiger posted:

Say what you will about the Harlin exorcist prequel, but that movie�s opening goes pretty hard.

A couple other things I'll grant Exorcist: The Beginning: our glimpse at an African exorcism is pretty neat, and one amazing plot twist accomplished by the most shameless retcon I think I've ever seen. Oh, and Natalya from Goldeneye!

That said, I'd hesitate to call it a good movie or anything. It's mostly like a more boring Nightmare on Elm Street that takes place in 40s Africa.

# ? Oct 5, 2023 06:40

MrMojok: Jan 28, 2011

Hollismason posted:

You have been accused! How do you plead?

SMITH�S GROVE, ILLINOIS

_{October 2027}

Lunatic moderator HOLLISMASON, having been imprisoned for years for elimination of POSTING ENEMIES, is due for a parole hearing [Int. station wagon]

M_SINISTRARI The driveway�s just a few hundred yards up, on your right. NURSE Are there any special instructions? M_SINISTRARI Just try to understand what we're dealing with here. Don't underestimate it. NURSE Is it true, that he tried to mute thread posters, and perhaps even killed some of them? M_SINISTRARI Yes.

MrMojok fucked around with this message at 08:33 on Oct 5, 2023

# ? Oct 5, 2023 08:22

weekly font: Dec 1, 2004; Everytime I try to fly I fall
Without my wings
I feel so small
Guess I need you baby...

Hollis is hunting witches but he�s been completely blind to the proliferation of VVitches.

Would thou like to post deliciously?

# ? Oct 5, 2023 12:12

Baron von Eevl: Jan 24, 2005; WHITE NOISE
GENERATOR
🔊😴

Xiahou Dun posted:

I really should not have started paying attention to the continuity of Friday the 13th.

Did you ever think about how they technically take place in an alternate future? There’s a five year time-skip between 1 and 2 ; 2, 3 and 4 are a span of consecutive days ; 5 is actually pretty wonky and theoretically could be anywhere after 4 ; 6 Tommy is a grown-rear end man so it’s been at least 8 years barest minimum. (Likely more) That’s 13* years in the story but the movies come out one per year. So while the movie came out in 1986, inside the movie it’s 1993.

Then 7 loving happens. Bam, opening of the movie we got a young Tina and a calendar on the wall that says October 13. Because of a quirk of the calendar, there are more Friday the 13ths than any other day of the week, but you still only get one in a given month once a decade or so. For reference there is/was/will be a Friday the 13th in October for 1978, 1989, 1995, 2000, 2006, 2017 and 2023.

Absolute earliest, the beginning of 7 takes place in 1995, a whole 6 years after the movie’s release**. And that’s completely ignoring how they built that house and moved in in just two years. But that’s before Tina grows up and we jump forward even further. So really in 7 it’s the mid-2000’s at the earliest, but likely much later.

*Haha
*I never said it was the far future.

Okay but do we know for certain that Jason X takes place in the future?

# ? Oct 5, 2023 12:29

Flying Zamboni: May 7, 2007; but, uh... well, there it is

ruddiger posted:

Top three popes exorcist moments

pigsorcist shotgun execution
Demon side eye/double pupil gag
Full body blood explosion

The couple of times I'm near certain that Ralph Ineson literally said the word "roar" while making demon sounds.

Flying Zamboni fucked around with this message at 12:37 on Oct 5, 2023

# ? Oct 5, 2023 12:33

FreudianSlippers: Apr 12, 2010; Shooting and Fucking
are the same thing!

Jason Takes Manhattan takes place circa 2001.

Jet Fuel can't melt steel beams but a machete could chop them apart

# ? Oct 5, 2023 12:35

Flying Zamboni: May 7, 2007; but, uh... well, there it is

Edit: quote is not edit

The only explanation for why I made this mistake is that I was clearly ensorcelled by a witch and/or warlock!

Flying Zamboni fucked around with this message at 12:41 on Oct 5, 2023

# ? Oct 5, 2023 12:36

CelticPredator: Oct 11, 2013; 🍀👽🆚🪖🏋

FreudianSlippers posted:

Jason Takes Manhattan takes place circa 2001.

Jet Fuel can't melt steel beams but a machete could chop them apart

Jason Voorhees has hit a second boombox!!!!!

# ? Oct 5, 2023 13:55

Gripweed: Nov 8, 2018

Xiahou Dun posted:

I really should not have started paying attention to the continuity of Friday the 13th.

Did you ever think about how they technically take place in an alternate future? There�s a five year time-skip between 1 and 2 ; 2, 3 and 4 are a span of consecutive days ; 5 is actually pretty wonky and theoretically could be anywhere after 4 ; 6 Tommy is a grown-rear end man so it�s been at least 8 years barest minimum. (Likely more) That�s 13* years in the story but the movies come out one per year. So while the movie came out in 1986, inside the movie it�s 1993.

Then 7 loving happens. Bam, opening of the movie we got a young Tina and a calendar on the wall that says October 13. Because of a quirk of the calendar, there are more Friday the 13ths than any other day of the week, but you still only get one in a given month once a decade or so. For reference there is/was/will be a Friday the 13th in October for 1978, 1989, 1995, 2000, 2006, 2017 and 2023.

Absolute earliest, the beginning of 7 takes place in 1995, a whole 6 years after the movie�s release**. And that�s completely ignoring how they built that house and moved in in just two years. But that�s before Tina grows up and we jump forward even further. So really in 7 it�s the mid-2000�s at the earliest, but likely much later.

*Haha
*I never said it was the far future.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR8YUj3C9lI

# ? Oct 5, 2023 14:09

Count Thrashula: Jun 1, 2003; Death is nothing compared to vindication.; Buglord

code:

1. INT. SUBURBAN APARTMENT - NIGHT

WE OPEN on a disheveled goon surrounded by candles, in front of an altar, with a laptop in his lap.

      COUNT THRASHULA
      That's it - fall right into my trap...

# ? Oct 5, 2023 14:25

Flying Zamboni: May 7, 2007; but, uh... well, there it is

Xiahou Dun posted:

I really should not have started paying attention to the continuity of Friday the 13th.

Did you ever think about how they technically take place in an alternate future? There’s a five year time-skip between 1 and 2 ; 2, 3 and 4 are a span of consecutive days ; 5 is actually pretty wonky and theoretically could be anywhere after 4 ; 6 Tommy is a grown-rear end man so it’s been at least 8 years barest minimum. (Likely more) That’s 13* years in the story but the movies come out one per year. So while the movie came out in 1986, inside the movie it’s 1993.

Then 7 loving happens. Bam, opening of the movie we got a young Tina and a calendar on the wall that says October 13. Because of a quirk of the calendar, there are more Friday the 13ths than any other day of the week, but you still only get one in a given month once a decade or so. For reference there is/was/will be a Friday the 13th in October for 1978, 1989, 1995, 2000, 2006, 2017 and 2023.

Absolute earliest, the beginning of 7 takes place in 1995, a whole 6 years after the movie’s release**. And that’s completely ignoring how they built that house and moved in in just two years. But that’s before Tina grows up and we jump forward even further. So really in 7 it’s the mid-2000’s at the earliest, but likely much later.

*Haha
*I never said it was the far future.

The original Universal Mummy films end up doing this too. The last one came out in 1944 but if you do the math on the time jumps that are said to happen between movies it technically takes place in 1997.

# ? Oct 5, 2023 14:34

MacheteZombie: Feb 4, 2007

Burn them all Hollis

# ? Oct 5, 2023 14:35

Hollismason: Jun 30, 2007; An alright dude.

M_Sinistrari posted:

Um... I plead the fifth.

Let the denizens of this town be your witness! Who stands for them?!

# ? Oct 5, 2023 14:57

weekly font: Dec 1, 2004; Everytime I try to fly I fall
Without my wings
I feel so small
Guess I need you baby...

I saw everyone from the Snyderdome dancing in the woods last night.

# ? Oct 5, 2023 15:26

Hollismason: Jun 30, 2007; An alright dude.

weekly font posted:

I saw everyone from the Snyderdome dancing in the woods last night.

Sorry not my jurisdiction. Try reporting it there but probably nothing will be done.

# ? Oct 5, 2023 15:34

MacheteZombie: Feb 4, 2007

weekly font posted:

I saw everyone from the Snyderdome dancing in the woods last night.

Please don't out our private wrestling tournaments

# ? Oct 5, 2023 15:35

MacheteZombie: Feb 4, 2007

Hollismason posted:

Sorry not my jurisdiction. Try reporting it there but probably nothing will be done.

If there be witches, warlocks, demons, Ghosts, ghouls, etc. it is your jurisdiction

# ? Oct 5, 2023 15:36

PKMN Trainer Red: Oct 22, 2007

Why did it take so long for me to watch Shin Godzilla, this loving rules.

[Edit: And I'm watching the English dub, I usually prefer subs but I personally feel that kaiju movies should be in poorly dubbed English, it's just how I was raised.]

PKMN Trainer Red fucked around with this message at 16:09 on Oct 5, 2023

# ? Oct 5, 2023 16:07

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# ? May 25, 2024 23:41

Punkin Spunkin: Jan 1, 2010

PKMN Trainer Red posted:

Why did it take so long for me to watch Shin Godzilla, this loving rules.

[Edit: And I'm watching the English dub, I usually prefer subs but I personally feel that kaiju movies should be in poorly dubbed English, it's just how I was raised.]

Yeah it was a lot of fun. A movie that's pretty frank about Japan's role as an American vassal state. Still gotta finish Shin Kamen Rider.

# ? Oct 5, 2023 16:11

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Cinema Discusso > Horror Thread: you're a child. that pisses me off

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