FMguru posted:

AITA for calling off my wedding and telling my fiancé to move back home with mommy?

I'm glad OP has finally grown a spine, shame she didn't do that before having a child with this lump of a mama's boy.

quote:

Oh she absolutely takes it too far. She even commented on being able to see his junk through his sweats a couple months back, after she showed up unannounced and caught us in bed (sleeping).

Baronjutter posted:

I just don't understand people so spineless and easily influenced. They rarely change too. If you get them to change it's only because they've switched from instantly going along with what their mommy tells them to instantly going along with what you tell them. But it's like the muscle in their brain that lets them decide things themselves simply never developed, it's entirely atrophied. You can give them a huge pep talk about standing up to their mom/dad/spouse/boss or whatever and they seem to totally get it, but the moment they face that person they instantly fold.

I've known a couple people like that, and it's wild hearing them get all pumped up to stand up for themselves then talking to them a week later and suddenly it's "no I was wrong to stand up to them, they actually totally convinced me I was wrong" and you ask why and they can never explain it. "Well I know I went over to tell my mom she needs to stop smashing the headlights out on my car every week and you all made good points, but after talking to my mom I realize it's way too soon to be making demands like this of her. Also she's my mom and she explained she's doing it because she loves me. Anyways, I need to stop being so influenced by my friends, please don't try to turn me again my mom again"

Baronjutter posted:

I just don't understand people so spineless and easily influenced. They rarely change too. If you get them to change it's only because they've switched from instantly going along with what their mommy tells them to instantly going along with what you tell them. But it's like the muscle in their brain that lets them decide things themselves simply never developed, it's entirely atrophied. You can give them a huge pep talk about standing up to their mom/dad/spouse/boss or whatever and they seem to totally get it, but the moment they face that person they instantly fold.

I've known a couple people like that, and it's wild hearing them get all pumped up to stand up for themselves then talking to them a week later and suddenly it's "no I was wrong to stand up to them, they actually totally convinced me I was wrong" and you ask why and they can never explain it. "Well I know I went over to tell my mom she needs to stop smashing the headlights out on my car every week and you all made good points, but after talking to my mom I realize it's way too soon to be making demands like this of her. Also she's my mom and she explained she's doing it because she loves me. Anyways, I need to stop being so influenced by my friends, please don't try to turn me again my mom again"

breakfastpotato on JustNoMIL posted:

Don't rock the boat.

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a gently caress.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.



Thank you for letting me ramble. Thanks for the support, and advice, and humour. Thanks for just being here

Midnight Voyager posted:

The weirdest thing is that the mom is trying to help win her back! What do you mean she's calling to plead her case?? She clearly got what she wanted, the wedding to never happen. what did she think she wanted??

Shanghaied posted:

Lmao, okay you went to university. As someone who teaches at an university, I can tell you there's no shortage of "goofball idiots" at universities (even among faculty and staff lol), so you can drop your loving attitude lol. A lot of good your little bachelor's degree did you, still couldn't solve a loving high school physics problem.

InediblePenguin posted:

why do the people who want to post abuse stories want that? not sarcasm. genuine autism question. is it like "this is a learning experience showing what abuse looks like" or is it fun or what, genuinely

Neito posted:

It is often, though not always, a defense mechanism against abuse. If you just do what the narcissist says, you can buy yourself a few minutes of peace. THere's an oft-quoted bit about boat-rocking that's applicable to this:

InediblePenguin posted:

why do the people who want to post abuse stories want that? not sarcasm. genuine autism question. is it like "this is a learning experience showing what abuse looks like" or is it fun or what, genuinely

InediblePenguin posted:

why do the people who want to post abuse stories want that? not sarcasm. genuine autism question. is it like "this is a learning experience showing what abuse looks like" or is it fun or what, genuinely

Lt. Danger posted:

most of the stories itt are abuse- or abuse-adjacent stories, abuse being more a matter of degree than of kind. in this recent story about the postponed wedding, the fiance is a victim of a manipulative relationship, but apparently it hits differently for most posters. now it's a title quote

people with healthy relationships don't post on the internet about it. this is the thread for gawking at the ruins of other people's lives, and every one of us is a carrion-eater. it's fine to be squeamish but if we had any genuine sense of ethics none of us would be here

FMguru posted:

AITA for calling off my wedding and telling my fiancé to move back home with mommy?

I'm glad OP has finally grown a spine, shame she didn't do that before having a child with this lump of a mama's boy.

Random Redditor posted:

Fair enough you don’t want to marry the man, but you were an absolute cruel AH for the comments you made. I think you know that already. If you don‘t, well that’s something you need to work on. I cannot stand women that emasculate and demean men. I have the MiL from hell but I would never dream of using the language you did. You implied incest. GTFoH with that crap.

ESH

OP posted:

I applied incest because it is in fact applicable. This woman makes comments on his junk. Talks about his pubes. Asked what position he "railed" me in to get me knocked up. Literally talks about how he was embarrassed because "mommy saw his big Weiner" when he was 16. She's gross. She's incestuous.

Mordiceius posted:

quote:

I (26F) recently had twins with my husband Harry (30M). I love my babies so much but the labour was a nightmare m. It was extremely traumatic for my husband and I, and we’ve agreed that we are definitely not having anymore kids.

I was labouring for two days and throughout the process we kept our families updated. When they were finally able to visit, my parents and my in laws came to see us. Everyone was fussing over the babies and my poor husband who only had about 4 hours sleep for the whole two days was napping. My dad, however, sat by me first and just held my hand for a bit. When I told him to go get some cuddles in with the twins, he said ‘I’m here to see my baby’ meaning me. It was honestly so sweet and I started tearing up. I didn’t even realise how invisible I felt when my husband was sleeping and my dad was there to make sure I was also being taken care of. He took me down to the hospital cafe and we had breakfast together while the babies were with everyone else.

I kept thinking about what my dad did for the next few days and I decided that I would give my newborn son my father’s name as his middle name. My husband was totally onboard with this. However, this is where the problem began. We knew my FIL would be pretty pissed at this.

He always wanted a grandson named after him but it’s pretty clear now he won’t get one. He has two sons, my husband and his younger brother and my BIL is gay and currently says he doesn’t want to adopt kids in the future. My FIL is also one of those people who cares about ‘bloodlines’ so I don’t think he’d want an adopted grandson named after him (hosed up, I know).

My husband has a complicated relationship with his father so he wasn’t comfortable naming our son after him, but we agreed to give them the same initials so they’d both be AHD. He accepted this, but when he found out we were switching the middle name for my father, he lost his mind.

He said that this was something he always wanted and we were throwing it in his face by giving the baby my father’s name as his middle name. I tried to explain why but he cut me off and said that it was absurd to expect someone to check on me when there were babies that had just been born and my father shouldn’t be rewarded for ‘ignoring his grandchildren’. I tried to explain that it was more than just the moment because my dad has been my best friend for my whole life but he didn’t want to hear it.

MIL is saying we are AHs for doing this because my dad doesn’t care about any grandchildren being named after him but FIL has always wanted it. According to her, we are taking something away from him just because my dad chose to do something ‘unusual’ which to them was ignoring the babies until he was satisfied with me being okay (he did not ignore the kids, he got plenty of cuddles in when we got back from breakfast). My dad is honoured by our choice, but thinks we shouldn’t have done it because of what it means to FIL. AITA?

Edit: Just a tiny update. We have stuck with my father’s name for my son’s middle name and went back to our original plan of hyphenating our surnames for the twins. FIL is pissed but who cares? Not me

InediblePenguin posted:

i feel like you are making an argument against something that i was explicitly not saying. are you feeling defensive? this reads as defensive. i literally told you, this is an informational question i am asking because my brain problems often make the behavior of other people a mystery. you are replying with something about being squeamish and every story is abusive, which i feel isn't true and also doesn't answer my question at all?

quote:

In my social circle your 50th birthday is a huge deal. I haven’t celebrated my birthday for a while. My last real birthday party was sweet sixteen. Overall I have been saving for this party for years and all the family knows.

My son and now DIL told me about a year ago that they were going to get married about a week after my birthday. I told them that it will happen after my 50th and he has been to these parties before and they are a big deal. He literally got blasted at his aunts 50th before. I told him I am also not going to tone it down and he said he didn’t care.

My party has over 100 guest and had a lot of bells and whistles. My sons wedding was this weekend and both events got compared. It was basically what people were talking about .

My son and DIL were cold to me during the wedding. I got a call from my son and it basically boiled down to I need to apologize for outshining their wedding. That people were calling his event cheap and overall seemed to prefer my event. I told him I am not apologizing, that I warned him months ago and he said he was fine with the party. That it is not my fault that it was upstaged by my party. They chose the date knowing how those parties are.

This started an argument and they both told me I was a huge jerk.

InediblePenguin posted:

i feel like you are making an argument against something that i was explicitly not saying. are you feeling defensive? this reads as defensive. i literally told you, this is an informational question i am asking because my brain problems often make the behavior of other people a mystery. you are replying with something about being squeamish and every story is abusive, which i feel isn't true and also doesn't answer my question at all?

InediblePenguin posted:

i feel like you are making an argument against something that i was explicitly not saying. are you feeling defensive? this reads as defensive. i literally told you, this is an informational question i am asking because my brain problems often make the behavior of other people a mystery. you are replying with something about being squeamish and every story is abusive, which i feel isn't true and also doesn't answer my question at all?

FMguru posted:

AITA for telling my son/DIL that it’s not my fault their wedding was upstaged by my 50th birthday party.

We scheduled an event at around the same time as another, pre-scheduled event, and people kept comparing them!

Corn Glizzy posted:

OP stuck around WAAAAAAY too long in that relationship

house of the dad posted:

I don't think jumping to lt. danger being defensive is the correct read, and feels adjacent to "you mad" or "why are you trying to defend abuse posting."

Mordiceius posted:

the holy poopacy posted:

the abuse guidelines are very much an Old SA type of rule: "it's OK if it's funny"

the main problem is, people who come from well-adjusted childhoods (by goon standards, anyhow) see a very run-of-the-mill abuse story and go " wowee lookit how crazy this is!!" and want to share it because it seems weird and exceptional to them

mystes posted:

I guess there's also something entertaining about reading some of these stories, which only present one point of view and may or may not be totally accurate, and trying to guess what the actual situation is, and then looking if the OP has made any other comments, because those often do a better job of revealing what is actually going on

at some level I guess it's deriving entertainment from people's suffering though

InediblePenguin posted:

i feel like you are making an argument against something that i was explicitly not saying. are you feeling defensive? this reads as defensive. i literally told you, this is an informational question i am asking because my brain problems often make the behavior of other people a mystery. you are replying with something about being squeamish and every story is abusive, which i feel isn't true and also doesn't answer my question at all?

the holy poopacy posted:

AITA for naming my son after my father instead of my FIL

What kind of weirdo voluntarily wastes time fiddling with the incubator???

babypolis posted:

they are not being defensive, their response is a perfectly legit anwser to your question. there is no clear cut line to define if a story is abuse or not

Steve Vader posted:

I used to have the big "human suffering as entertainment" argument against horror movies, until I realized that pretty much all drama is also deriving entertainment from watching other people suffering adversity of some kind. Even in a goofball comedy, good chance you're gonna see a nut shot or something.

I still have that lingering ick about true crime, though, although I understand there's a fascination about the worst of humanity that does help to avoid being victimized by it. But I'm still not sure there should be a podcast called My Favorite Murder.

StrangersInTheNight posted:

storytelling is pretty much the major form of communication and how we contextualize our own place in the world, there's a reason books, plays, movies, and tv shows (which are just stories about people) are the dominant entertainment for humanity. even sports games have stories. so if we're going to start moralizing enjoying human stories (or the worse 'you're a bad person for liking gossip' byline), we may as well just attempt to ascend to another lifeform now bc right now you, me, and everyone else on this planet is stuck being a monkey who is so obsessed with socializing that our favorite thing to do is listen to stories about socializing.

its literally how our dumb brains keep us cooperating and into each other. maybe attribute less cynicism to what is your desire to know others in any way you can, and look at yourself with kindness instead of projecting that you're terrible for being a person.