/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

dudeness: Mar 5, 2010; Cat Army; Fallen Rib

Viva Miriya posted:

I'm not reading that poo poo.

Pick a paragraph at random and read it, it's all insane so you'll find something crazy.

Somehow i missed the sentence saying that she has vaginismis and everytime they have sex she cries and screams at him to hurry up.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 05:22

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# ? May 30, 2024 17:39

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

Viva Miriya posted:

lol like that'll magically make things better. Counseling takes time but in the meantime lol have a birb.

BIRB IS CONTAMINATED NOW :stonk:

CANNOT INTERACT WITH OR FEED BIRB

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO fucked around with this message at 06:10 on Jul 6, 2017

# ? Jul 6, 2017 05:22

Viva Miriya: Jan 9, 2007

SQUAWKKKKKK

# ? Jul 6, 2017 05:25

im cute: Sep 21, 2009

dudeness posted:

Pick a paragraph at random and read it, it's all insane so you'll find something crazy.

Somehow i missed the sentence saying that she has vaginismis and everytime they have sex she cries and screams at him to hurry up.

Yeah, you really only need one paragraph.

quote:

I haven't touched a dog since I've been up here. I touched a pet rabbit once, and he screamed so viciously that I have been too afraid to touch anything with fur (he thinks animals are contaminated). His last partner cheated on him with a multitude of men, so now he holds the same fears for me. I used to have a small social circle, but he became quite controlling of who I could speak to, so I've cut everything off (I tried to re-kindle a few friendships - they don't want anything to do with me anymore, which I understand). I used to have to keep my phone on 24/7 for years when I was in the States so that he could hear every word from conversations I would have with others. If the phone cut off due to low battery, or if it disconnected from poor service, he would scream at me for hours, calling me a slut, a whore, a cheater, etc, as he thought I was having relations with guys. This phone issue racked up serious bills (up to $800 a month), but I felt forced to continue due to his insecurities. He thought I was having sex with my roommate (my roommate at the time was 78) and my business partner. I even had to close my dog training business because he thought I was using my business as an excuse to meet men. I have NEVER, EVER cheated, and would NEVER consider it. It's an act that I abhor, yet no matter how much I try to get this across, he rips up the same old wounds that I am a harlot looking to get laid. The irony of this is that I have vaginitis - having sex feels like razor blades and sandpaper are tearing my insides - he and I rarely, if ever have intercourse, and it's only when I can grip the bed and bite a sock with tears streaming down my face with me begging him to hurry that we can do it!

# ? Jul 6, 2017 05:27

Viva Miriya: Jan 9, 2007

If your girl isn't walking around wifi calling you 24/7 she's out there getting deep dicked by Chad.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 05:30

Viva Miriya: Jan 9, 2007

Also lol he's basically forcing himself onto a chick who would probably compare how sex feels to being waterboarded. Holy poo poo.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 05:33

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

She needs to get out.

But goddamn she's like a real-life Eeyore.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 05:34

StupidSexyVaultGuy: Jul 26, 2003

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

BIRB IS CONTAMINATED NOW

CANNOT INTERACT WITH OR FEED BIRB

*bird puts gun to head*

"Walter! No!"

# ? Jul 6, 2017 05:37

Viva Miriya: Jan 9, 2007

new phone who dis posted:

She needs to get out.

But goddamn she's like a real-life Eeyore.

There's a girl I know who has a monotone voice that reminds me of Eeyore, no troll. Just the voice though.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 06:06

therobit: Aug 19, 2008; I've been tryin' to speak with you for a long time

Lol so he was already acting like a crazy abuser before she made an international move to be with him. That is loving hilarious. I wonder how she thought that was gonna go.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 06:38

timefly: Apr 29, 2008

They both need to be inpatient at a mental hospital for weeks

# ? Jul 6, 2017 07:26

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

big age gap relationships should be either illegal or subject to mandatory counseling

# ? Jul 6, 2017 08:06

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

if you missed Pick's extended saga of being conditioned from infancy to care for her manchild dad and sociopath mom, going out in the big wide world and immediately latching onto the most helpless and unrewarding recipient of care she could find, I kind of envy you

That's a vast oversimplification.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 08:07

Lawrence Gilchrist: Mar 31, 2010

i havent caught up with the last eight thousand posts but i just had a lil chortle remembering that board for narcissist survivors where they post about Nmom and Nsis etc. thanks for reading and god bless

# ? Jul 6, 2017 09:38

Osama Dozen-Dongs: Nov 29, 2014

Pick posted:

That's a vast oversimplification.

Yeah, he should also mention that your psycho mom has got it going on.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 13:54

Whorelord: May 1, 2013; Jump into the well...

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

if you missed Pick's extended saga of being conditioned from infancy to care for her manchild dad and sociopath mom, going out in the big wide world and immediately latching onto the most helpless and unrewarding recipient of care she could find, I kind of envy you

actually hugh was playing a 4 dimensional negging ritual that'll take years to complete

# ? Jul 6, 2017 13:55

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

The important thing to take away here is that Pick has cool pterodactyl fingers.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 13:57

Viva Miriya: Jan 9, 2007

Pick posted:

That's a vast oversimplification.

but its not wrong is it crazy gbs poster?

Pvt.Scott posted:

The important thing to take away here is that Pick has cool pterodactyl fingers.

lol what

Viva Miriya fucked around with this message at 14:22 on Jul 6, 2017

# ? Jul 6, 2017 14:20

Theotus: Nov 8, 2014

Viva Miriya posted:

lol what

She's got long fingers apparently.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 15:08

Bunni-kat: May 25, 2010; Service Desk B-b-bunny...
How can-ca-caaaaan I
help-p-p-p you?

She has Marfan's, so not only long fingers, but extra flexible too.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 15:09

maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

Viva Miriya posted:

lol like that'll magically make things better. Counseling takes time but in the meantime lol have a birb.

no half measures, only a human child can save a failing relationship.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 15:41

Viva Miriya: Jan 9, 2007

maskenfreiheit posted:

no half measures, only a human child can save a failing relationship.

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

BABY IS CONTAMINATED NOW

CANNOT INTERACT WITH OR FEED BABY

# ? Jul 6, 2017 16:28

Space Kablooey: May 6, 2009

Avenging_Mikon posted:

She has Marfan's, so not only long fingers, but extra flexible too.

has anyone brought up crystal therapy yet?

# ? Jul 6, 2017 16:38

Captain Yossarian: Feb 24, 2011; All new" Rings of Fire"

The Lone Badger posted:

The nurse or the robot?

... That's a good question. I should split the difference and ask out whoever rammed the tube down my throat

# ? Jul 6, 2017 16:42

Three Olives: Apr 10, 2005; Don't forget Hitler's contributions to medicine.

quote:

I bullied a girl and I want to apologise

Submitted 8 days ago

Back when I was 22 I met up with a girl from tinder who was 19. She was super cute and frankly was out of my league. She was a naive pothead and I went over with a bottle of vodka. She told me before and when I got there she didn't wanna have sex. Within 4 shots we were kissing and clothes were coming off. The entire time she was like "what's going on" and "I can't believe this is happening". She might have been a virgin because she had no idea what she was doing. We stayed up most of the night and I hosed her twice. I really regret doing it because I feel like I took advantage of the situation. Afterwards she ghosted me and I started being nasty. I had made a video from the night and told her I sent it to all my friends(I didn't) and started telling her how she needs to respect herself more. She sent me a long text calling me a piece of poo poo and how I took major advantage that night.

I few years have passed and I feel the need to reach out and apologise. I used to have self esteem issues and felt rejected so that's how I handled it. I tried to talk to her like a year ago and she said to never talk to her again and blocked my new number.

Same Guy posted:

Looking for a girlfriend

submitted an hour ago

How do I get a girl friend? I've been on over 10 tinder dates in the past year with limited success. I've had sex with 6 of them but I I think it's because alcohol is involved. I've never had a gf and the most dates I've been on is 4. I follow all the social rules my friends tell me about (no double texting, wait to reply, ect) but can't seem to get a gf.

I moved a bunch in high school so I never had a gf and didn't lost my virginity until I was 22. Ever since I've lost my v card (I'm 24 now) I've slept with 8 girls mostly from tinder but they never come back?? Except one girl I hosed 3 times and then she ghosted me.
How do I get a gf??

Any ladies interested to apply please pm me

I raped a girl on Tinder, filmed it without her consent, then basically tried to blackmail her.

Anyways I'm single and I don't understand why.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 17:00

Owlbear Camus: Jan 3, 2013; Maybe this guy that flies is just sort of passing through, you know?

he thinks the worst of it is that he "bullied" her

it would be so extremely good if he fell in a volcano

E: I looked it up and the comments are at least calling him what he is.

Owlbear Camus fucked around with this message at 17:12 on Jul 6, 2017

# ? Jul 6, 2017 17:06

DAD LOST MY IPOD: Feb 3, 2012; Fats Dominar is on the case

i used to be kind of a mean prankster, like one time i pranked this girl really hard by smashing her window and climbing through in a ski mask and holding a knife to her throat and forcing her to disrobe and then repeatedly penetrating her. now she ghosted me and won't respond to my texts what am i doing wrong

# ? Jul 6, 2017 17:08

Doomy: Oct 19, 2004

DAD LOST MY IPOD posted:

i used to be kind of a mean prankster, like one time i pranked this girl really hard by smashing her window and climbing through in a ski mask and holding a knife to her throat and forcing her to disrobe and then repeatedly penetrating her. now she ghosted me and won't respond to my texts what am i doing wrong

have you considered oepning the relationship?

# ? Jul 6, 2017 17:12

Megillah Gorilla: Sep 22, 2003; If only all of life's problems could be solved by smoking a professor of ancient evil texts.; Bread Liar

DAD LOST MY IPOD posted:

i used to be kind of a mean prankster, like one time i pranked this girl really hard by smashing her window and climbing through in a ski mask and holding a knife to her throat and forcing her to disrobe and then repeatedly penetrating her. now she ghosted me and won't respond to my texts what am i doing wrong

Did you shout "It's a prank" when you did it?

# ? Jul 6, 2017 17:17

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

i'll never get why Hallmark canceled their "sorry I raped you" line

Pac-Manioc Root posted:

E: I looked it up and the comments are at least calling him what he is.

like half the comments are ranting about SJW feminazis sullying the good name of rape

A Wizard of Goatse fucked around with this message at 17:38 on Jul 6, 2017

# ? Jul 6, 2017 17:23

La Brea Carpet: Nov 22, 2007; I have no mouth and I must post

I (22F) can't stand my flatmate's (22F) boyfriend (23M)

quote:

I have two flatmates - Kelly and Laura. Laura has a boyfriend she has been dating for almost 2 years. Laura, Kelly and I have been best friends since freshman year of high school, so this is kind of hard to deal with.
Kelly and I can't stand Nate (the boyfriend). He is actually a comedy behind his back. Everyone makes fun of him when he's not around. Why? He is unbearable. And it's like Laura is oblivious to that!
First of all, Nate is a loving rear end in a top hat who has cheated on Laura multiple times. We all know that. Laura denies that. We've seen him with other girls in town (when he told Laura he's home), and when we tell Laura, she says she doesn't believe it. So, this leads to this fact - Nate flirts with both Kelly and me.

When Nate hangs out in our flat (which is way too often), he flirts with either Kelly or me (depends who's closer lol). So for example, I was making dinner for all of us while Kelly and Laura were watching TV and Nate came to "help me". I said I DIDN'T need help, but he proceeded on how he wanted to help. And he came beside my back, almost hugging me from behind and said "You smell nice" (note Laura was in another room). I freaked out and told him to go watch TV with them. Another situation - I was wearing shorts and hanging some clothes to dry. Nate commented 'Wow, Emma (me), I didn't know you had such a nice rear end!". Laura was THERE. And later she got angry at ME for wearing shorts in front of him.

When there's a thunderstorm, I usually sleep in the same bed as Kelly because we are both scared of it. And one evening, there was a thunderstorm. Nate had a sleepover in Laura's room. That night, I didn't go to Kelly's bed. And Nate sneaked out of Laura's bed, went to Kelly's bedroom and laid next to her (silently). She thought it was me and hugged me(him) to say 'It will be all right'' and when she realized it was him, the scream woke all of us up. Laura defended him saying "he was just joking".

This is only a couple of examples. He always flirts, touches us on our legs, back, waist, etc. He told me I was a wife material and told Kelly she was a one-night-stand material, and then Laura got mad at him, and he said 'I am just honest, I am still with you so don't see a problem" and she 'forgave' him lol. And he also gets Kelly and me gifts (chocolate, cakes etc), while he never gets anything to Laura. Actually, when it was Laura's birthday, he gave her a gift and it was a large bag of walnuts. I guess he thought it was funny. Or he'd seen it in some movie or whatever.

Btw, Laura gets mad at us for "provoking him'' if he flirts with us.
So second of all, he EATS ALL OF OUR FOOD. I definitely have no probs with someone coming over for lunch/dinner. It's okay. I can share. But he opens the fridge when we're not there (he hangs out there even when we're not around because Laura lets him) and eats whatever there is. My parents sent me a birthday cake once, and he took the whole cake home (secretly). Kelly's parents sent her A LOT of sausages, ham and bacon from home and HE TOOK ALL OF THAT. He basically empties our fridge. A few times, we had cakes and we invited a few people over for a cake and tea, and when these people came, we'd open the fridge and realize THERE IS NO CAKE.

Once Kelly and I hid some super tasty marshmallows in my panties drawer. We had to hide them. And they were gone. And once I took a large jar of chocolate cream (somethibg similar to nutella), and asked everyone who was there if they wanted some on their toast. Nate said yes and he took the jar and ate the whole stuff. Without bread/toast. With a spoon. Himself.

He frequently takes showers in our flat. And he leaves his dirty panties IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR. And once he broke something in the tub and we couldn't shower for 5 days until it was fixed. We still don't know what did he gently caress up. He doesn't know either.

Nate frequently calls either me or Kelly on the phone just to "chat'' with us. We have learned not to answer these calls anymore. We have decided not to open the doors if it's him (he comes even when Laura's out of town).
We have talked to Laura. She either defends him or says 'He is just trying to be nice'. And about the food, she told him to stop doing that... and she told him to buy Kelly another box of chocolates once when he had eaten it, and Kelly said 'It's okay' just out of courtesy I guess, and he said 'You see? It's okay.'

We keep telling Laura to deal with him. She says she does, but she feels "sorry" for him because he is nice???!! He isn't poor or anything. He has other people he can annoy. Why us?

What can we do? We really don't want to throw Laura out because she is a good friend. But can't she realize he's an idiot? Ugh

Tl;dr - Roommate's boyfriend flirts with me and another roommate even when his girlfriend is around. He also eats all of our food without permission.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 18:08

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

Wow, accidentally adding a decade to everyone's age is a pretty bad set of typos by OP.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 18:15

Milotic: Mar 4, 2009; 9CL apologist; Slippery Tilde

My [31 M] wife [29F] and I have a 3-month old baby (high-needs) and I can't cope due to adhd and misophonia triggered by the baby's cries.

quote:

u/dad_with_adhd
My wife and I are your average (sort of) couple who work normal 9-5 jobs. We�ve been married a couple of years and so far our relationship has been great, so we decided to have a baby. She's on maternity leave right now to take care of the little guy. My job requires a lot of brainpower and I need to be focused, so the deal we have is that she lets me sleep weeknights, and I let her sleep on the weekend. But it�s been far more stressful and tense than either of us expected and we have a lot of friends with kids, so we�ve heard it all.

HER: She's always been big on "fairness and equality" which means we both put in 50/50 all the time for everything. So far in our relationship that's actually been a great thing and it's helped us both grow as individuals. I think she�s turning into a great mom and she�s certainly more patient than I am, but her focus and need for fairness is becoming a major issue.

ME: I have adhd, which makes it extremely difficult for me to focus on sitting quietly with the baby for more than a few minutes at a time, so I lose patience easily. If I take medication in the evening, I'm wired for the rest of the night and won't get any sleep at all. On top of that I suffer from misophonia which has been a unique challenge for me. I'm normally a mild-mannered, polite person, but when I get triggered by certain sounds it puts me in a blind rage. I've never lashed out violently at anyone, but certain sounds stress me out a LOT. Normally it's things like someone chewing with their mouth open or scratching the interior roof of a car, or a chalkboard that trigger it so I do my best to put some distance between myself and these stressors. I�ve had friendships end because people found out I suffer from this and they abused it to test/annoy me.

BABY: The little guy seems to be high needs, so he needs to be held and bounced in a very specific way or else he fusses and cries. He doesn't sleep at night or nap easily and certainly not outside our arms. None of the usual tricks work: he hates strollers, going for walks, being in the car, being in a rocker; everything annoys him. The only thing that helps is standing by the oven fan and bouncing him for 30 minutes to get him to take a nap, but it only seems to work once a day. If you try it a second time he fusses and cries.

SITUATION: So when I get home from work typically, my wife wants me to take over for her, which I'm in theory happy to do, but it�s become a major struggle. He just doesn�t like to relax in my arms and she has a much easier time getting him to calm down. When I hold him, he cries more and fusses more. Those cries trigger my misophonia on a level I've never experienced before. This is probably the worst part for me. I'm normally a patient person with other people's negativity (in spite of the adhd), but when our baby screams in my face, it triggers such deep, intense anger in me that I'm afraid to hold him in those moments for fear of reacting badly. To be clear, I've never shaken him or hurt him, ever. When I'm in one of those moments I hand him off to my wife as quickly as I can, or put him down. This is the problem though. When she's had a long day of looking after him, she doesn't want to continue holding and caring for him. He's just as fussy with her, but she has a much higher threshold for it than I do (and no misophonia, obviously). She doesn't understand the anger it brings out in me. She doesn't claim it's all in my head, but she�s clearly fed up with me and thinks I just need to "toughen up" to deal with it and help her out. We get into fights every single day when I try to hand him off to her in those moments of anger, or I yell at her and storm off. We always apologize afterwards and make up, but as each day goes by the stress levels increase and now it�s spilling over into my work because I have NO down time at any point in my day.

Anyone with misophonia will tell you it's not something you can choose to ignore. If I wear headphones to listen to music, the little guy rips them out (they dangle within his reach) and earplugs don't work well enough. I'm really upset that my own baby is triggering me and I have no idea what to do. Again, to be clear: I've never shaken or hurt him. If I feel like I might do something dangerous, I put him down and walk away. But this just makes him (and my wife) more upset since it makes it harder to put the baby to sleep and it makes her angry because she thinks I�m not helping enough.

I don�t know if anyone here can help, but I don�t know what else to do.

TL;DR - new parents with a high needs baby - i'm a dad with adhd AND misophonia with a wife who needs me to help out more at night, but I�m struggling. The baby is extremely fussy and his screams trigger rage-inducing reactions from me and my wife is insistent that I just deal with it.

Lol at him thinking that is a high needs baby. That's pretty normal for a 3 month old. And lol at writing "triggered by my own baby".

# ? Jul 6, 2017 18:19

Three Olives: Apr 10, 2005; Don't forget Hitler's contributions to medicine.

I can't even imagine having a baby, they sound absolutely awful.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 18:23

Automatonic Water: Jul 8, 2012; dig thru the ditches
and burn thru the witches
and slam in the back of my.........
.........DRAGULA; Yams Fan

Anyone with misophonia just needs to take their drat Zoloft, this is the most easily fixable problem

# ? Jul 6, 2017 18:26

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Milotic posted:

My [31 M] wife [29F] and I have a 3-month old baby (high-needs) and I can't cope due to adhd and misophonia triggered by the baby's cries.

Lol at him thinking that is a high needs baby. That's pretty normal for a 3 month old. And lol at writing "triggered by my own baby".

yeah this is a normal baby. i love kids but babies are the god damned worst

# ? Jul 6, 2017 18:44

Owlbear Camus: Jan 3, 2013; Maybe this guy that flies is just sort of passing through, you know?

There's a name for the condition where u don't like the sound of your baby crying it's called being a human being parent type creature and you treat it by promptly seeing to the helpless babby's needs. Not everything is a symptom of the morgellons the chemtrails gave that you continually cite to get out of having to do the needful but tiresome poo poo adults do.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 18:48

Panfilo: Aug 27, 2011; Can't post for 12 days!

Misophonia sounds like a made up bullshit condition, like 'supertaster'. I mean pretty much everybody finds annoying sounds annoying;seems like they want to get away with being a huge crybaby themselves.

Babies cry, that's what they do. Parents get warned not to shake their baby because dealing with crying and sleep deprivation is stressful. But this applies to everybody, not just snowflakes who have a mental breakdown someone crinkled a potato chip bag in the other room.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 18:49

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

Pick posted:

yeah this is a normal baby. i love kids but babies are the god damned worst

topped only by adult babies who think they're special and the other parent isn't feeling just as wretched about this screeching writhing ball of snot so shouldn't get upset when they get 100% of the parenting dumped in their lap

# ? Jul 6, 2017 18:50

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# ? May 30, 2024 17:39

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

topped only by adult babies who think they're special and the other parent isn't feeling just as wretched about this screeching writhing ball of snot so shouldn't get upset when they decline to parent

but you're a woman, don't you like the ^{screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee}

# ? Jul 6, 2017 18:52

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