/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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Gumbel2Gumbel: Apr 28, 2010

Pick posted:

Prithee, brother, werest thou plagued with emotional tampons during yon maxima sex harvest

Doth Maxima sex a wedded couple make we?

# ? Dec 6, 2016 01:26

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# ? May 28, 2024 12:15

Jeffrey of YOSPOS: Dec 22, 2005; GET LOSE, YOU CAN'T COMPARE WITH MY POWERS

Was gonna do this but it seemed too easy, here goes:

You're putting the Boise on a pedestal. (Jastiger syndrome)

Who are you?
My name is Boise Galore.
It must be my lucky day.

Boise-whipped within an inch of your life.

Jeffrey of YOSPOS fucked around with this message at 01:41 on Dec 6, 2016

# ? Dec 6, 2016 01:34

Trevor Hale: Dec 8, 2008; What have I become, my Swedish friend?

Hark, there art Boise to slay!

# ? Dec 6, 2016 01:33

stump collector: May 28, 2007

idaho chop

# ? Dec 6, 2016 01:40

NomChompsky: Sep 17, 2008

Wait what's wrong with wherein?

Or is it the Maxima that makes this whole thing?

# ? Dec 6, 2016 01:53

Gumbel2Gumbel: Apr 28, 2010

NomChompsky posted:

Wait what's wrong with wherein?

Or is it the Maxima that makes this whole thing?

"Nevertheless I did do a lot of sexing in the back of my 96 Maxima"

# ? Dec 6, 2016 01:59

lazorexplosion: Mar 19, 2016

Lockback posted:

Here's one about a college kid who stuck his dick in crazy and now he's confused about it. I feel like this is just a right of passage at some point. Though he should probably reconsider "perfect" here....

Pretty sure this perfect girl (22F) is playing me (20M) but she's being so dramatic about it

I do like how some people think 'not being a blubbering ball of unresolved mental health issues' is something that is totally insignificant when choosing a long term partner.

lazorexplosion fucked around with this message at 02:06 on Dec 6, 2016

# ? Dec 6, 2016 02:01

Tacky-Ass Rococco: Sep 7, 2010; by R. Guyovich

lazorexplosion posted:

I do like how some people think 'not being a blubbering ball of unresolved mental health issues' is something that is totally insignificant when choosing a long term partner.

Where's your sense of adventure?

# ? Dec 6, 2016 02:12

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

SirSamVimes posted:

People who still think Freud was right

He was right about everybody always thinking about the D.

# ? Dec 6, 2016 02:30

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Mostly I wanted to type "maxima sex harvest"

# ? Dec 6, 2016 02:31

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

Volvo vulva vulture.

# ? Dec 6, 2016 02:33

Thumbtacks: Apr 3, 2013

This is the one I was looking for. (bolding is mine)

quote:

Ok. This is long but I have a lot to get off my chest.

How we met: We met about 2.5 years ago on OkCupid. She lived close, we met up and got on well. After a few months we decided to get together. We were not open at this point. The relationship was great emotionally. She was sweet, attentive, caring and supportive. We also had a lot in common and had fun together, which is what I lacked in previous relationships so I was keen to keep this one and still am.

Becoming open: Around 6-7 months ago give or take, I found myself feeling disconnected from her and the relationship. I was looking at other women quite a bit, and couldn't seem to stop even though I DID feel guilty. I ended up singing up to a sex-themed website (fetlife.com). This is NOT a dating website, I wasn't planning to cheat when I signed up, it's more a social network and I was mainly interested in looking at pictures posted there.

When I was on this website it was like I found what I thought I was missing. Loads of hot girls, who seemed happy to interact with me, mainly. I started commenting on pictures and girls started talking, flirting with me. I knew things were getting inappropriate for the relationship but I couldn't stop. I really wanted to hook up and date again, and experience these other women.

Not meaning offense to my girlfriend, but she's a big girl (had been since I dated her though so I didn't feel it was my place to say anything) and while I enjoyed her body, I can't deny that the draw of all the hotter women on the website who were seemingly interested in me was too much and I was feeling more and more disconnected from my relationship with this gaping hole in my needs not being met. I still loved my girlfriend and she fulfilled me emotionally, but physically my desires were completely elsewhere. Eventually I realised that the best thing for me to do would be to open up the relationship or break up with my girlfriend.

I spoke to her about this and, well, it broke her heart at the time. She was sobbing on me the whole night of me talking to her about it, saying she wanted to be monogamous and she didn't like the thought of an open relationship at all. She asked for a couple of weeks to think about it, which happened, but when we spoke about it again she told me she still didn't want to do it. I had to tell her at this point it was this or break up as I didn't feel fulfilled. At this, she said okay, she would try the open relationship.

So, in short, she agreed to the open relationship even though she hated the idea as she didn't want to break up. She wanted to know how an open relationship worked so I set down a few ground rules and boundaries which we both agreed to. Mainly things like.. sleep with whoever you want whenever you want, but always with protection. Casual dating is allowed as long as the person you're dating knows the situation (since it's hard to sleep with someone without a date first). Our relationship shouldn't suffer and we still need to be there for each other. etc.

My Problem. Less than two months later from this, she's signed up on FetLife too and now 100% enjoying herself. There are men crawling all over her, her profile, her pictures she's put up. I know for a fact that she's been on a heck of a lot of dates, both with people from the website and off it, and I also know she's been intimate with many of them too (I keep seeing comments on her pictures saying vulgar things like 'God I miss my mouth around those beautiful breasts' etc from other men who I know she has been on dates with..)

Me, on the other hand? I've not hooked up with anyone, and only had one date. All the women who seemed to be interested in me turned out to only want to flirt online and only wanted attention, and when I brought up meeting up with any of them I got rejected. The only women who wanted to at all meet me or go out with me I wasn't attracted to. I went out with one local girl from Fetlife just to give it a chance, because my own girlfriend had found so many dates/hookups, but I just couldn't bring myself to be attracted and nothing happened. I havn't been able to find anyone else who wants to sleep with me off the website either. Me and my girlfriend still date and sleep together of course, but besides that I'm completely dry. I don't think this is at all fair on me considering how many dates she's been on and I imagine how many guys she's fukked.

It got worse recently. Just this past Friday night I go out to the late night shop, and on the main road I find my girlfriend standing outside a pub with a guy, holding hands and making out. He was at least 6'4, muscles everywhere you look, arms covered in tattoos (which I know my girlfriend likes). I feel like poo poo. My girlfriend sees me, immediately breaks away from him and comes over smiling all over her face. She hugs me, kisses me, then the guy comes and introduces himself. It was awkward as fukk honestly, but my girlfriend didn't seem to notice at all. After stupid chitchat I tell them I need to get going, at which my girlfriend tells me she loves me, kisses me and that she will text me the next day as she wanted a date with me the next night. She then says she's going to go into the pub to visit the bathroom, and asked her "date" to wait outside for her and then after they'll "get going" (back to her place I assume..).

So I start to walk away as she goes into the pub to the bathroom, and I hear the guy say "Hey" behind me. I swear he had the biggest poo poo eating grin all over his fukking face. He said to me "Mate, you're a better guy than I am. If I had a lady like that I wouldn't let anyone else touch her. Lucky for me you guys have this open thing going on". He said it like he was pretending to be friendly, but obviously it was a dig because he could tell I wasn't happy right then. I just nodded and walked off.

My girlfriend rang me Saturday afternoon and I told her what happened and what the guy said, but she swears that he was just being complimentary/polite to me and that he's from FetLife, and knows all about our relationship and my own profile on there which is why he was chatting to me. I told her that I still thought his comment was inappropriate and that I didn't want her dating this guy again, to which she said 'Okay' but she obviously wasn't happy about it. I didn't ask if they had hooked up, because I could already tell they had with how she was all over him. I told her I didn't feel like I wanted to hangout that night. She hasn't contacted me since then.

I feel like utter poo poo. I'm going to be honest and say I have no idea why a guy like that is interested in my girlfriend and not out with a hot girl. I had no idea my girlfriend would get this much attention and it makes me feel like poo poo. I now realise if it's not this guy, it's going to be another with his hands all over my girlfriend. She has guys all over her, most likely just using her, but most of them more attractive than me and god knows what else............ and I only manage to get one date with someone I wasn't even attracted to. I still feel unfulfilled.

I'm on her FetLife profile now while writing this and I have to look at this poo poo every day, and her relishing in it without ANY thought to my lack of dates. Not once has she asked me about my dates or who I've met off FetLife, and it's obvious my profile is barren of any interaction compared to hers.

I can't really fault the relationship I have with my girlfriend if I'm honest. She's still her sweet, supportive self and she does make time for me, but I feel this open relationship has gotten really unfair now.

So that's it. I don't want to break up with her but I want it to stop, and to close the relationship again. But because it was my idea to open it, and we went through that difficulty before she started enjoying it, I don't know how to bring it up or what I say when I do. I just know it's got to stop now and this can't be healthy for either of us.

tl;dr: Asked my girlfriend for an open relationship so we could both date and sleep with other people. My girlfriend has been on way too many dates and I'm sure she's hooked up with a good few too. I havn't. Feel the open relationship has gotten way too unfair towards me and I want to close it, but because it was my idea I don't know how to bring it up to her. Need advice on how to do this and close the relationship again.

# ? Dec 6, 2016 02:34

Pitdragon: Jan 20, 2004; Just another lurker

i like how with freud everything is all about penis, except of course, for him, and his love of suckin on big fat brown cigars, that doesn't count

# ? Dec 6, 2016 02:35

NomChompsky: Sep 17, 2008

Pick posted:

Mostly I wanted to type "maxima sex harvest"

Fair enough I just had to make sure I haven't been walking around sounding like a weenie all these years.

# ? Dec 6, 2016 02:36

54 40 or fuck: Jan 4, 2012; No Yanda's allowed

Lmao I love when guys think they're too hot for their girlfriends, open up the relationship and the girls get laid like crazy while they're twisting in the wake. It's so poetic.

# ? Dec 6, 2016 02:54

SirSamVimes: Jul 21, 2008; ~* Challenge *~

Thumbtacks posted:

This is the one I was looking for. (bolding is mine)

This makes me laugh every time I read it. Should be edited into the top of the OP imo.

# ? Dec 6, 2016 03:03

Pussy Quipped: Jan 29, 2009

Mods change my name to Boise Quipped thank you.

# ? Dec 6, 2016 03:14

snoo: Jul 5, 2007

54 40 or gently caress posted:

Lmao I love when guys think they're too hot for their girlfriends, open up the relationship and the girls get laid like crazy while they're twisting in the wake. It's so poetic.

this is my favourite thing

# ? Dec 6, 2016 03:22

Cough Drop The Beat: Jan 22, 2012; by Lowtax

Pussy Quipped posted:

Mods change my name to Boise Quipped thank you.

# ? Dec 6, 2016 03:22

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

Pick posted:

you hosed in a Maxima and you use the word "wherein"

i just told you where, in the maxima. im not sure i understand the question

# ? Dec 6, 2016 03:30

SirSamVimes: Jul 21, 2008; ~* Challenge *~

My favourite part is that despite having access to a lot more attractive/nicer guys, the girlfriend has somehow forgiven him for being an rear end in a top hat and is giving him time/affection and he's still salty about it.

# ? Dec 6, 2016 03:31

Thumbtacks: Apr 3, 2013

I like that he originally met his GF on OKCupid and then thought he'd be able to bang many more, hotter girls also online

# ? Dec 6, 2016 03:34

SIDS Vicious: Jan 1, 1970

Thumbtacks posted:

I like that he originally met his GF on OKCupid and then thought he'd be able to bang many more, hotter girls also online

on a fetish website no less lmao like idk how big his girlfriend is but that's the one place bigger girls are gonna find lots of fellas

# ? Dec 6, 2016 03:35

Devian666: Aug 20, 2008; Take some advice Chris.; Fun Shoe

I just caught up with one of my friends as he's broken up with his bf. It got to the point where he decided that they should go for an open relationship with the obvious result. I did ask why he opted for that and he did it so his bf would meet more people and potentially soften the impact of the break up. No matter the reason it ends the relationship every time.

# ? Dec 6, 2016 03:38

Sorryformybadjokes: Apr 21, 2004; I identify as a simian who pronounces the 'silent' letters in words.; Fallen Rib

So I start to walk away as she goes into the pub to the bathroom, and I hear the guy say "Hey" behind me. I swear he had the biggest poo poo eating grin all over his fukking face. He said to me "Mate, you're a better guy than I am. If I had a lady like that I wouldn't let anyone else touch her. Lucky for me you guys have this open thing going on". He said it like he was pretending to be friendly, but obviously it was a dig because he could tell I wasn't happy right then. I just nodded and walked off.

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHHHHHAHAAAAA

# ? Dec 6, 2016 03:38

SIDS Vicious: Jan 1, 1970

Devian666 posted:

I just caught up with one of my friends as he's broken up with his bf. It got to the point where he decided that they should go for an open relationship with the obvious result. I did ask why he opted for that and he did it so his bf would meet more people and potentially soften the impact of the break up. No matter the reason it ends the relationship every time.

nice try I know all gay men are whores

# ? Dec 6, 2016 03:38

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

Pvt.Scott posted:

He was right about everybody always thinking about the D.

Not really, and if I'm ever a dad I hope my solutions to my daughter's mental health issues wouldn't be to constantly bring up penises.

54 40 or gently caress posted:

Lmao I love when guys think they're too hot for their girlfriends, open up the relationship and the girls get laid like crazy while they're twisting in the wake. It's so poetic.

Are these all actually new ones? These "open relationship gone wrong" stories are all so similar they almost seem like the same one and I could've sworn that one was already posted.

I suppose it's also possible that tons of people are extremely stupid in exactly the same ways...

EDIT: it's both. that one was posted earlier in the thread, I distinctly remember the tatted 6'4" muscleman with the poo poo-eating grin

Play fucked around with this message at 03:44 on Dec 6, 2016

# ? Dec 6, 2016 03:41

Sorryformybadjokes: Apr 21, 2004; I identify as a simian who pronounces the 'silent' letters in words.; Fallen Rib

Why don't these open relationship idiots just suggest going to a motel two towns over and banging a hooker to pieces?

# ? Dec 6, 2016 03:41

Thumbtacks: Apr 3, 2013

Play posted:

Not really, and if I'm ever a dad I hope my solutions to my daughter's mental health issues wouldn't be to constantly bring up penises.

Are these all actually new ones? These "open relationship gone wrong" stories are all so similar they almost seem like the same one and I could've sworn that one was already posted.

I suppose it's also possible that tons of people are extremely stupid in exactly the same ways...

This is the most memorable one IMO, and it's the one a lot of people on r/relationships link to. Or it used to be, before he deleted it. It's just so perfect.

# ? Dec 6, 2016 03:42

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

Thumbtacks posted:

This is the most memorable one IMO, and it's the one a lot of people on r/relationships link to. Or it used to be, before he deleted it. It's just so perfect.

Yeah I can see why. Those special added details and the constant tone of helpless petulance definitely make it something special. a real titan of the genre

# ? Dec 6, 2016 03:46

Bored: Jul 26, 2007; Dude, ix-nay on the oice-vay.

NomChompsky posted:

My goodness what a depressing thread that I cannot stop coming back to.

Go back to the story about the backpackers who traveled the world, then came out to the dude's family. Feel the warm fuzzies.

# ? Dec 6, 2016 03:47

WampaLord: Jan 14, 2010

Jeff Sichoe posted:

Why don't these open relationship idiots just suggest going to a motel two towns over and banging a hooker to pieces?

What? How dare you! That's illegal and naughty and not something polite good people do.

Now excuse me as I arrange my 7th back-to-back gently caress session with another partner.

# ? Dec 6, 2016 04:08

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

54 40 or gently caress posted:

Lmao I love when guys think they're too hot for their girlfriends, open up the relationship and the girls get laid like crazy while they're twisting in the wake. It's so poetic.

# ? Dec 6, 2016 04:11

Mr. Meagles: Apr 30, 2004; Out here, everything hurts

My girlfriend is corpulent, smells and has a weird face, and I'm buff as hell and have a huge dong.

I'd still never go for an open relationship because she'd get like 10x the action without even trying.

# ? Dec 6, 2016 04:15

Lawrence Gilchrist: Mar 31, 2010

Pounded in the Butt by The Paraphilia For Comeuppance

Lawrence Gilchrist fucked around with this message at 04:18 on Dec 6, 2016

# ? Dec 6, 2016 04:15

Doc Hawkins: Jun 15, 2010; Dashing? But I'm not even moving!

I don't think that open relationships disaster story, or any other I've ever read, holds a candle to the anonymous E/N post.

zakharov posted:

I hope she gives her idiot dad a Stone Cold Stunner

Imo this would be a good gimmick: actively participate in the relationships subreddit, but only give wrestling advice.

# ? Dec 6, 2016 04:15

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Speaking randomly of relationships though I think the Brad Pitt thing is way out of proportion, yelling at a kid a few times is just going to happen, kids are little loving assholes. I even like kids but sometimes they're a big poo poo and you're going to tell them to go gently caress themselves, you didn't drop kick a toddler everybody's probably going to be fine

# ? Dec 6, 2016 04:17

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

54 40 or gently caress posted:

Lmao I love when guys think they're too hot for their girlfriends, open up the relationship and the girls get laid like crazy while they're twisting in the wake. It's so poetic.

It's pretty great, but I kind of prefer the ones where the relationship-opener clearly has someone in mind to pursue once they get the okay, and of course that person has no interest whatsoever / is revolted by the suggestion. Wanting to destroy your current relationship to hit on some strange is one thing, but wanting to destroy your current relationship to hit on a coworker whom you've mentally built up into your perfect side piece and who has no interest in you is another level of poetic justice.

# ? Dec 6, 2016 04:20

Devian666: Aug 20, 2008; Take some advice Chris.; Fun Shoe

Doc Hawkins posted:

Imo this would be a good gimmick: actively participate in the relationships subreddit, but only give wrestling advice.

Everyone should give advice but have a different gimmick. Who's going to be the open relationship and the buff gf poster?

# ? Dec 6, 2016 04:24

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# ? May 28, 2024 12:15

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Antivehicular posted:

It's pretty great, but I kind of prefer the ones where the relationship-opener clearly has someone in mind to pursue once they get the okay, and of course that person has no interest whatsoever / is revolted by the suggestion. Wanting to destroy your current relationship to hit on some strange is one thing, but wanting to destroy your current relationship to hit on a coworker whom you've mentally built up into your perfect side piece and who has no interest in you is another level of poetic justice.

Yes that one is 100% my favorite and it plays out all the time. I see versions of it in real life surprisingly often (though usually dumping not opening, but similar).

# ? Dec 6, 2016 04:28

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