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"Naked Woman Biting Pearls Near Curtain Likes Perfume" Nothing else but that headline - no related article, no pictures, just the headline. It's perfect.
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Dec 16, 2012 03:18
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Brother Jonathan posted:Russell Crowe Praised For Stunning Portrayal Of Man Who Cannot Sing Or Act In 'Les Misérables' Crowe Downplays Transformation Into Man With No Talent: "It Was Easy"  Also love the little,"Jason Bourne nominated as new Head of CIA" message that pops up along the bottom.
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Jan 10, 2013 02:29
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“What happened in San Diego was horrible, but that doesn’t mean all gorillas are bad,” Harrington added. “In fact, if every person at that mall had a gorilla, then the tragedy probably never would have even happened in the first place.” Just fantastic. 
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Jan 11, 2013 02:15
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Panicking Flu Swears It Didn’t Mean To Kill Old Lady As usual the closing line is a winner.
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Jan 14, 2013 23:26
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Robert Denby posted:I love when they do this. Any real newspaper that does something like this deserves a Pulitzer stat. "We microwaved his food till it was warm all the way through. Because, you know, he's the President..."
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Jan 15, 2013 23:27
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Brother Jonathan posted:Just announced: The Onion will be releasing an e-book on Friday, an "autobiography" of Vice President Biden. The title is The President of Vice. To promote the book, the Onion will be having an Ask Me Anything on Reddit the same day, answering questions as Diamond Joe. The actual Joe Biden asked him a question!  https://twitter.com/VP/status/292361945170989056
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Jan 18, 2013 23:34
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Eggbeater Jesus posted:Diamond Joe's back! quote:"Casino Joe's hunting big game today!" I don't understand how these things just keep getting better
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Jan 23, 2013 06:19
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The last one lead me to A Most Amusing Duck Delays The Local Noontime Pillorying  quote:The Assembled, far from demonstrating the dignified and somber Mien that befits a Mob, instead cast Bits of Bread at the Silly Bird, so as to encourage its continu'd Presence on the Common. 
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Jan 29, 2013 03:52
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This is incredible and also deeply depressing.
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Jan 30, 2013 00:21
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Holy God the puns just keep coming, my cheeks hurt from the huge grin on my face. quote:After brief prepared rebarks, Bo and the Furuguayan diplomutts reportedly retired to the South Lawn for a private discussion of minimum wag laws and a pending flea trade agreement. 
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Jan 31, 2013 01:08
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This is fantastic. quote:This is happening because you are making it happen. Understand?
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Feb 4, 2013 23:38
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I don't think anything will ever beat this one though:
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Feb 6, 2013 05:31
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Department Of Interior Bilked Out Of $18 Million In Funding By Con Gopherquote:For all we know, that son-of-a-bitch gopher is halfway to Aruba by now. Some great photoshops in the video too.
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Feb 8, 2013 03:31
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Completely Self-Absorbed Obama Gets Up And Just Talks For An Hour Straight “Christ, that guy just wouldn’t stop talking,” “When it was over, I looked at over at my husband and was like, ‘What the hell was that?’ Seriously, who does that?” “I mean, who does this rear end in a top hat think he is?”
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Feb 13, 2013 22:35
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Study Reveals Conditions In Women's Prisons Deplorably Unsexy The Current Conditions/Proposed Reform picture is incredible.
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Feb 18, 2013 02:09
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Oscar Pistorius Swears Bloody Cricket Bat From Different Murder The last line is particularly good/horrifying.
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Feb 18, 2013 22:56
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ultrafilter posted:Girls Gone Wild Bankruptcy Forces Thousands Of Wet, Wild Party Girls Into Tough Job Market There's a wonderful little Diamond Joe bit in the text pieces along the bottom, as well as,"Rodman reports North Korea dangerously close to making basketball team."
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Mar 6, 2013 22:39
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"Uncle Joe hosed up bad!" The photoshop of a miserable Obama in his dressing gown smoking a cigarette as Joe is hauled away by the cops is a thing of beauty.
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Mar 7, 2013 22:31
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cobalt2009 posted:http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-angerpowered-cars-may-revolutionize-the-way-we,1118/ quote:Cameron, who is currently serving a seven-year prison sentence for vehicular manslaughter and high-efficiency battery, I love this line so, so much
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Mar 11, 2013 01:00
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I am old and confused and paralyzed with sexual frustration. I honestly didn't notice who the writer was at first, then I laughed. A lot.
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Mar 21, 2013 01:27
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PAY ATTENTION, JEANKETEERS! My reactions while reading this were a mixture of hilarity and pain 
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Mar 26, 2013 23:06
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Roger Ebert died  The Onion put up this article 
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Apr 4, 2013 22:58
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Brother Jonathan posted:With the Bitcoin collapse being in the news Hahaha, I still can't believe there were people who really believed "non-traceable currency transactions that rely on the other person not being a scumbag" was a system that wasn't just going to succeed but become dominant.
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Apr 13, 2013 01:39
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Echo Chamber posted:Gigli Focus Groups Demand New Ending In Which Both Affleck And Lopez Die I'm not sure why, but "Hammer party" made me absolutely lose it.
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Apr 30, 2013 07:33
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Holy goddamn this one is perfect (and happened to me only recently): Snooze Button Time Traveler Sets Coordinates For 5 Minutes Into The Future
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May 8, 2013 02:22
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Here's a nicely inspirational one for a change Animal Facing Extinction In 2003 Fucks Its Way Back quote:Demato explained that the rare reptiles can be spotted due to their large, reddish-brown shells and the fact that they are constantly loving one another at every possible moment.
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May 14, 2013 00:40
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This goes so far into terrifying that it circles back to utter hilarity. Jesus Christ.
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May 20, 2013 04:11
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Oh God my childhood Breakfast in Bed Served to Mom Who Just Got Eaten Out.
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May 21, 2013 05:16
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I can't wait to see this on Literally Unbelievable
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May 22, 2013 22:48
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Well... that was very disturbing.
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May 30, 2013 05:05
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Oh hey look, somebody accidentally posted a real news story to The Onion's website by mistake. Nation Currently More Sympathetic To Demise Of Planet Krypton Than Plight Of Syria Edit: Haha, in the related links: Family Concerned After John McCain Wanders Into Syria - the final line is amazing. Jerusalem has a new favorite as of 03:07 on Jun 20, 2013 |
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Jun 20, 2013 01:42
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Scientists Probably Discover A New Species Of Frog They’re Always Doing That Kind Of poo poo
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Jun 25, 2013 23:24
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Dr_Amazing posted:I'm not sure that's even much worse than what he really did. This is... this can't be real. It's a fake voiceover added to the real footage, right?
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Jun 26, 2013 05:52
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ultrafilter posted:Sesame Street: 'Bert And Ernie Are Not Gay, They Are Depraved Pansexual Perverts' That last line about Oscar the Grouch
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Jul 4, 2013 05:25
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I love that last line about finding it in the trash and seeing a new one in the shower.
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Jul 17, 2013 02:59
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FBI Offers One Million Dollar Reward For Any Information on Cheetahs "Like, if it really wanted to, could a cheetah cut down a tree with its claws? That would be so loving sweet."
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Jul 18, 2013 23:47
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Febreeze posted:We do need more "area man" type articles. Along those lines, this has always been a favorite of mine Holy hell that was a fun read: quote:On this occasion, Baumer removed the tea bag from the dainty brew and added one dollop of honey made by his friends the honeybees and a splash of milk straight from his mama's precious teat. But even with these additions, the tea was still too hot for Princess Jason's sensitive mouth, causing him to softly blow on the beverage with his lips pursed together like a little rosebud. Such seething contempt
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Jul 22, 2013 05:45
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Hot, Sweaty Jane Fonda Wondering If That’s The Best Delivery Boy’s Got
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Jul 25, 2013 08:28
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Here's a neat little story that is just good-natured, happy and sweet Meteorologists Report Sky Just A Little Bluer Today, And It’s Because...
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Jul 28, 2013 07:49
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I don't think it's available on their website anymore, but HOLY poo poo, MAN WALKS ON loving MOON remains my favorite Onion article ever.Vaginapocalypse posted:Stoner Uncle All The Kid's Favorite The final line about Uncle Steve is awesome too
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Aug 4, 2013 01:57
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