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Gather 'round, children, and let me tell you a story about a basic training scrub who was kicked out in his second last week of OSUT. Toadie - which was his name, but I'm sure the spelling was wrong, was an interesting motherfucker. And by interesting I mean weird. Thankfully he wasn't in my squad but boy did we hear about him. Toadie had not masturbated before. Not once. He was rather proud of this, at his 19 years of age. Never having busted a nut before, he was ready to go and shoot non-Christians (his words) over in the desert somewhere (also his words). Unfortunately, military life was not for Toadie. He was also one of those dudes that was built to be one of those PT success stories in the army; long legs for all that pointless running, rake thin with short arms and a short body for pushups and situps. He was, however, not a PT stud. Not even close. This was evidenced one day when one drill sergeant convinced him to touch another drill sergeant's hat. There comes the shark attack and the smoking. Did you know that an apparent side effect of a bunch of 8 count pushups and then Y-squats makes you poo poo your pants? No, neither did I, but that didn't stop Toadie. Life for him remains relatively uneventful, except for quick little extra smokings for him every so often. He squeals like a 10 year old girl getting beaten with hammers when he does anything that sounds like physical activity. It sounded like a dude was dying, and when everyone realized he was just a bitch, it was just plain hilarious. Half way through basic, someone obviously convinces he should just go beat his meat. So he does. Shoots his load into a wadded up piece of toilet paper... then shows his squad leader with a huge poo poo eating grin on his face, even when he freaks out and threatens to beat his rear end. He just wanders off and shows a bunch of other people, for whatever reason. It's quite clear at this point, Toadie isn't exactly all there. He's borderline retarded, is clearly lacking in any kind of social ability. The reason for this is starting to become clear through correspondence with my wife. Our unit has set up some kind of facebook page so the families can keep in contact with their kids, families can talk amongst themselves as fuckin' moral support or some poo poo. So, Toadie gets set up as a platoon leader for a day. A single day. Basically as a joke and an excuse to smoke him to squeal like a girl. He writes this big rant of a letter home, and lo and behold, my wife sends me a letter and lets me know that there's been family drama. Toadie's mother has got on the facebook page, and starts talking major poo poo. Oh, your son got fired from the platoon leader slot cause he was a piece of poo poo, and my son is obviously 10 times better than yours. Then proceeds to get the rest of her cracker, white trash fuckin' family on the facebook page to wage war with all these people who are just being normal. Then the next day Toadie sends a big sob story letter about how he was fired, and it was so unfair, and everyone's picking on him, blah blah blah, which sends his white trash following into a wild rage. They are then banned from the facebook page. I let everyone know what is happening, and much laughter is had. Toadie gets upset with someone about all his angsty bullshit, and as it turns out, it's another borderline retard shut in. The retard battle is grade fuckin' A. Toadie thought it was gonna be an easy fight cause this other kid was much smaller, but he got Toadie and smashed him into a wall locker, and gave him a bunch of body shots. Toadie, not to be embarrassed in front of his fellows, decides to fight dirty and bites him. Bites him hard enough to draw a steady stream of blood. Guy gets upset, throws him off back into the wall locker. Toadie falls, his adversary grabs him by the head and knees him right in the forehead. Dazed and confused, people break up the fight. Toadie has this egg sized bruise in the middle of his forehead for the next 2 weeks, and when questioned, claims he ran into a door. And this point his resolve has started to weaken, so he goes to sick call, claiming something wrong with his leg, or ankle, or something. Bitches and moans and goes back every morning until they put him on a heavy duty profile with crutches. He's pretty happy these days, just sitting around doing fuckin' nothing. Something happens one day, running back into the barracks to escape a smoking, and he tucks his crutches under his arm and runs full tilt, leaning into a corner and a top speed gallop, right in front of the drill sergeant. They are talking about chaptering him, but somehow he skates by. We're out at an FTX, and he's been busted wearing his IBA without plates, and running his ruck light as gently caress. He has to wear his IBA with plates at all time, even when in the big group tent. He walks outside for some reason, no IBA on. He gets the rear end in a top hat smoked out of him, his bitch screams echoing across the camp, everyone laughing. So we get onto driving tanks around a closed course. It ain't hard, and a couple of guys show some real talent driving these tanks fast as gently caress on the road course. These people were not Toadie. He creeps around the course at 10 miles an hour, weaving back and forth all over the place like an crazy woman's poo poo, the TC screaming at him for being a god drat idiot the entire time. When it comes time to park it, he doesn't even want him to do that. Just to pull up near the other tanks, and he will take it from there. Stop Toadie. Stop Toadie. STOP TOADIE. HOLY gently caress STOP THE loving TANK TOADIE. Alas, Toadie forget what the brake is (the brake pedal, just like a car) and smashes one tank into another. Front skirt meets front skirt, and a lot of damage is done. He's in trouble for this, but it's coming up to about 3 weeks out, so they really don't want to kick him out. Okay, so final PT test is done, he has passed - barely. We've got M9 qual that day, then off for a week long FTX, then we are motherfucking done. During the M9 qual, Toadie, for some reason, could not understand the concept of the slide release catch. But he would never slingshot it, oh no. He would use some kind of gimpy backhanded kind of way to rack the weapon, and at the same time points it at a drill sergeant. He's warned once. He does it again. He's warned twice. And this time, he does it again, safety off, mag in, finger on the trigger, right at the drill sergeant. Drill sergeant loses his poo poo, and is holding a half meter diameter wooden range card, and smashes it over his head. Range card is in pieces, Toadie skids about three feet on his face into the dirt, M9 goes flying. The CO sees this, and with 2 weeks to go, flips his poo poo, throws him in the duty truck, and chapters his rear end. Toadie is off to the house, where he will no longer have a chance to shoot non-Christians over in the desert somewhere. Cest la vie, Toadie. Cest la vie.
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Dec 25, 2012 04:27
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| # ¿ Apr 29, 2024 03:18 |
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Correct. The better part of armor. I was horrified going through basic, so many people that you wouldn't trust living next door to you, are trusted with weapons now.
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Dec 25, 2012 05:24
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... isn't that a federal crime, impersonating a lawman or whatever? That also sounds like unlawful imprisonment, or, rather, something very close to.
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Dec 26, 2012 20:19
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I've come to realize that whilst many people may own a handgun, none of them know how to use it. I had a shitload of practice before joining up, and I am horrified at how people treat them. Waving them around like they just don't care, and it's not entirely their fault - the utter lack of any ability and familiarity of anyone involved with M9 training is depressing. But everyone is - of course - a subject matter expert. Just ask them, bro. And even worse, is how horrid people are in regards to actually being accurate. If you aren't doing 30/30 all day everyday, there is something wrong. I am, however, willing to grant that there are a lot of M9s that are el originale, even with the original locking blocks that were supposed to be replace due to that one or two slides coming off (not surprisingly, not Beretta's fault), and have the barrels completely shot out. There's no reason that you still shouldn't be able to hit Ivan the majority of times, and qualify expert. And then you got the maintenance that doesn't get done on any of them... They should just give all the handguns to SF and tankers, and everyone else should just loving carry 4s and 16s. At least you'll find the odd subject matter expert floating around who can give you some good tips on shooting a rifle.
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Dec 27, 2012 02:08
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Actually, scrap that, just give tankers whatever we carry in a sub machine gun. All handguns go to SF, that way I don't have to hear dickheads who should know better bumbling on about .45 blowing dudes off their feet and through mud hut walls in Afghanistan, how you have to shoot a dude 716 times with 9mm just to slow him down, and how the M9 will just blow up in your hands, every time the Army Times posts some bullshit about replacing the M9 with whatever the flavor of the month is. SF can pick and choose what they want and I won't have to listen to any of it.
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Dec 27, 2012 02:12
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SHUT YOUR MOUTH
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Dec 27, 2012 02:17
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My old tanker platoon sergeant used to tell us that using an M16 was a once a year thing, if that, just for qualify. Otherwise it was the old 1911 then the M9. Same unit, first sergeant said that he's only ever used an M16 once, and that was in basic. Never shot it again, nothing but handguns from there on out. Rifles have no business being in a tank, it's a situation that's ranges from inconvenient and uncomfortable, to downright dangerous. edit: ^^^ woah, some dickhead is totally gonna shoot their finger off with that thing. Hilarious.
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Dec 27, 2012 02:31
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GreenMeat posted:hell, back when I was driving M113s and gamma goats, they gave me an M3, which was fine. drat thing sure did get hot though. HAHAHAHAHAHHA, that owns bones. A buddy of mine just pointed out that the Beretta MX4 would be a good option for tankers to replace both the M4 and M9. It's a 9mm carbine, compact, semi auto or full auto, and probably the biggest selling point, is that it accepts standard M9 mags as well as all kinds of crazy high capacity stuff.
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Dec 27, 2012 02:50
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Speaking of dumb gun related stuff, I'm gonna go back to basic again, and I'm gonna forget about all the retards that I was with and all the stupid poo poo that they said (eg. 5.56 is just a military .22, .50 cal will turn you inside out even if you miss by 3 feet, that kind of poo poo), but it came from our CO. So we're sitting in an auditorium after having received a briefing on... I dunno, TSP or some poo poo? and our CO - who has not seen combat mind you - starts fielding questions about combat. So the retards start asking stupid poo poo about shooting brown people, and he starts dishing out just as stupid aswers. The resident gun "expert" then asks about the lethality of the 5.56mm, or, more specifically, the lack thereof. Our CO comes out with this winner: "The thing with the 5.56mm, is that, yeah, it's not a .50 cal, but the bullet - because it's so tiny - will do some strange things. You'll shoot a haji in the leg, and it'll follow the bone and end up in his lung. Fuckers will die from the weirdest shots all the time". Yup, apparently a 5.56mm bullet will defy all the laws of physics, and pull a 90 degree turn, travel up to the knee, pull another turn, head up into the pelvis, take another turn, and decide to just sit in the lung. And the fool that asked the question sat down and nodded like it was some sage fuckin' advice. I knew this would've drawn some kind of response, and the nearest drill sergeant is standing there, absolutely stunned, looking at this guy like he's the biggest loving idiot to walk in front of him. Thankfully his idiocy didn't last too much longer. He got in trouble at the end of the cycle because he was apparently telling the DFAC staff to reduce our portion sizes and restrict certain items (more than the drill sergeants already had). Then the next cycle turned out to be his last, as he had his drill sergeants perform strip searches on privates for, as far as I can tell, no good reason except for being a bully or some poo poo.
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Dec 27, 2012 18:49
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old dog child posted:I don't know if it was the CO, 1SG, or the DS, but half rations (already reduced) during and after ranges was pretty loving gay. We were actually pining for MREs over actual food. Lost 40 pounds because stupid fucks kept stealing candy from the MREs (and immediately gained back ~20 after maybe two weeks at AIT). War never changes. poo poo pissed me off, not because I was hungry - which I wasn't because my stomach had shrunken to the size of a pea - but I went in strong as gently caress with plenty of muscle, and came out a lot weaker, and according to my wife, looking like a leukemia patient. Another dude came in with me, and he was a competitive power lifter, lost like 65 pounds of muscle. At least his run time went down. But now he's in Hawaii and gets away with lifting weights most of the day, and now is so big he can't fit in the driver's seat of a Stryker. Took both of us 6 months to get our strength back. Why make even less food available when you are already running a humongous calorie deficit I don't know. Actually, on Family Day weekend - the 2 days we get off between the Basic and AIT portions of OSUT - I ate. Constantly. Like, a disgusting amount, to the point where I thought I had a colony of tapeworms in my gullet. Something to the tune of about 7000+ calories a day. I got back there, and felt like a million bucks. PT and smokings weren't poo poo after that. Well, for 2 weeks, anyway.
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Dec 27, 2012 19:46
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Shoulder holsters were entirely acceptable in most field exercises, as you would not even be given a mag - empty or not - to load in your weapon. Doubly so considering that if you are wearing the nomex onesie, you actually don't have belt loops. That poo poo is not cool on the range. I used a thigh rig, not to be super cool, but it's about the only thing that you can comfortably wear for long periods of time in the driver's hull of a tank. Either that or that lovely green canvas holster that has the tie down loop break all the time, and even then you've got to hang it off the front of your belt so it doesn't get in the way of the controls. This has the disadvantage of pointing your gat directly at yo dick. Admiral Bosch posted:What about the ultra-tactical detachable chest-mounted holster rig? A shameful officer.
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Dec 29, 2012 02:27
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MoraleHazard posted:Another officer in my command wore a shoulder rig and didn't secure it; and with some herky-jerky motions (God knows why) sent his M9 flying across the toc. Since he was an O6, he made everyone attend firearms safety refresher training. Everyone but him, of course. That's it, ban handguns. loving people, holy poo poo. quote:We also had this douchebag SEAL-wannabe in our unit who wore UDT shorts and his socks rolled over his boots. The real SEALs laughed at him all the time. Had this mechanic at my last unit, PFC, who the other dudes used to make fun of all the time. Used to call him high speed, delta force, poo poo like that. Turns out that he thought he was something special, and someone had finally recognized it, because he got one of those generic letters from Special Operations Recruiting Branch saying "yo, you should totally try out for special forces, bro". He thought he was the only one that got it. I also had at least half a dozen dudes that I know of in my basic training company that never had licenses before they jumped in a HMMWV or a tank. Actually, my current unit, dude had been driving Bradley's around Korea and didn't have a driver's license, just got it a couple of weeks ago. Only one dude in my platoon other than me can drive stick, but I wasn't even aware that we had anything that wasn't automatic.
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Dec 29, 2012 05:51
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I don't have a life and death story, but I've got an idiot story from Korea, in particular 1-72. My first line, whom I'm sure I've spoken of before as he is a massive poo poo hoarding turd baron, was this douchey looking corporal who joined up the Army because, well, gently caress YOU DAD. 20 years old, and because he was terrified of deploying, AIPed in Korea (volunteer for an extra year for a couple of bucks extra each month). Because he AIPed, he picked up corporal as quick as gently caress. Around post, a specialist couldn't run a range, or a detail, had to actually be an NCO (even though corporals are just big gay babies). Thus, specialists became corporals all the time. So we are tasked with having to move a platoon of tanks to the wash rack. I jump in my tank and fire the sucker up. After it's warmed up, ol' Naggin' Nancy comes over my CVC with "oil level low. Oil level low. Oil level low." I tell my corporal, but he seems to think that listening to warnings is for pussies, and guides me forward. I roll forward, and then naggin' Nancy pipes up again with "oil pressure DANGEROUSLY low, oil pressure DANGEROUSLY low, oil pressure DANGEROUSLY low", so I drop it in reverse, back it up all of the 3 feet I had travelled, and hit the emergency shut down. He then proceeds to go nuts. Blah blah blah, emergency shut down can destroy an engine, blah blah blah, how dare you disobey an order. So I tell him that this tank was filled with oil -- if memory serves it's like 7 or 8 loving gallons -- and that it's gone from that, to about 1 or 1.5. In the space of less than 2 minutes. There is clearly something wrong with this tank, and I don't feel like burning out a 100k plus turbine engine which I know for a fact this rear end in a top hat corporal will find some way to try and dump it on me. He tells me to start the tank back up, and I tell him "no". He flips out some more. Lots of crap about disobeying an NCO, blah blah blah. I tell him that if he wants it moved, he should then drive it himself, because I guarantee that the engine is gonna tear itself apart in a few minutes and possibly burn the tank to the ground, let alone the 20 minutes it takes to drive them to the wash rack. He flips out again, so I just close the driver's hatch and let him freak out some more. I get the platoon sergeant on the phone and tell him what's up and he tells me to sit tight until he gets there. Turns out, when someone doesn't respect the might of his babby NCO rank, he doesn't know what to do and just walked off. Platoon sergeant turns up, I jump out, and we have a look what's up. Yeah, there is now GALLONS of oil all over the ground. It looks like it's spurted out at a pretty high pressure to boot. Platoon sergeant says good call, let's call the 88 and get this bitch towed into the bay. Says don't worry about the corporal, you just saved his rear end. So we head back to the office afterwards, and here is this dickhead corporal, looked online to see what an article 15 packet looks like, and decided to put one together himself and takes it to an E6, and tells him this big sob story about how this E2 disrespected him in front of everyone and how no one will ever respect him if I get away with telling him no, and blah blah blah. We walk in, I give a quick run down about how the dickhead wanted me to take a tank for a 20 minute drive when it was pissing out oil, and then I was told to leave whilst there was a discussion in the platoon office. It was a loud discussion. 30 minutes later I was told there would be no problems because of this, and good job. Nothing happened to this corporal. He was a board bunny so was on the E5 list just before he left, but I tanked his getting promoted cause the CO asked me what he was like. I said he was a brain dead idiot that ran his guys into the ground so he could get an extra inch of dick forced down his throat by the BN CO, married a cross eyed Filipino hooker just so he could get out of the barracks, and couldn't leave post for fear of getting beat to death by anyone he's ever worked with. His new unit took him off the list when he got there, but he went to the board, got straight back onto it, and picked up his E5 in just over 2 years. Army strong, hooah.
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Jan 30, 2013 03:31
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I literally thought it was a story about a guy who just got into my platoon. Except that he crashed his truck whilst drunker than gently caress on post, so drove it about 20 yards into the woods and crashed it again into a tree, and then walked off and reported it stolen the next day. I don't know how he did it but the only punishment they gave him was busting him down from E4 to E2. No extra duty, no lost money. Not even going to chapter him (yet). Oh, but MWR charged him 450 to tow his vehicle and to store it.
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Feb 1, 2013 18:34
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Take out the names and places, we won't tell.
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Feb 5, 2013 00:17
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M4 / M9 = gat Patrol cap = hat ACH = helmet IOTV / IBA / plate carrier = body armor Eyepro = glasses Assault pack = backpack LBV = vest And that should keep you sounding like a semi-normal person in 95% of gear related conversations. On the staying late thing, TRADOC don't gently caress around with that. Got nothing to do? gently caress it, 1500 time to go. If first sergeant isn't around and there's nothing to do? gently caress it, 1100 go home. poo poo owns.
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Feb 6, 2013 19:58
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Mortabis posted:In ROTC I have been told off for: It's a goddamn flag and if some idiot wants to Frenchy* it up then can go right ahead and be a bunch French dickheads but not near me. Also, ROTC is gay. *don't actually know if that's French or not
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Feb 7, 2013 01:09
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When I was in tanker basic, someone asked the drill sergeants about room clearing. The response was basically "Listen up prives. You know you'll be clearing a room when your motherfuckin' TC, yells out LOAD MOTHERFUCKIN' HEAT, and that's all you need to know." I am now a scout and have never cleared a room in training or otherwise.
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Feb 7, 2013 20:10
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I suppose that makes me the idiot in that story. An idiot for signing up for combat arms and never actually doing any shooting.
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Feb 7, 2013 20:11
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Okay, I was on staff duty the other day, and picked up a winner. Seems that a certain schools NCO got into a little bit of grief. This is just before 4 dudes on extra duty - all with less than 12 days until they ETS'd - got caught smoking spice in the barracks WHILST on extra duty. This NCO was having a bit of drinky drinky at his place with some buddies, playing pool. What can go so far wrong when you are in a house playing pool? Well, apparently dude argues with one of his invited buddies over something pool related. Punches his buddy in the face. Buddy retaliates and lays him the gently caress out, apparently kicked his rear end solidly. The buddy now tries to leave, but this NCO is having none of it. To even the score he grabs a gun, and then shoots his buddy, thankfully failing to kill him. I'm pretty sure there is a lot of paperwork to be done for that one. Now the going joke is that the schools NCO should've scheduled himself in for some combatives classes, or some marksmanship courses.
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Feb 24, 2013 02:57
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Sorry I wasn't born in the US and use whilst instead of while as a matter of course, you goddamn racist.
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Feb 25, 2013 13:50
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Not quite.
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Feb 25, 2013 21:56
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Deathy McDeath posted:
I kind of feel like pizza now. EVA BRAUN BLOWJOBS posted:Like the time I was running a range and got ordered to burn the last 10000 rounds of .50 cal because people didn't want to turn it into the magazine? That'd be like 15 times the amount of rounds I fired in 2 years in the army. That'd be like fuckin' Christmas.
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May 2, 2013 17:38
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EVA BRAUN BLOWJOBS posted:
Saw a TC in another company who had made a grill to hook into the exhaust grate on the back of the tank. After running at tac idle for 5 minutes you could grill up some decent cancer steaks.
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May 23, 2013 00:06
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That can't be a good way to punch your ticket. At all.
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May 31, 2013 22:59
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Nostalgia4Infinity posted:I yelled "nice cover!" at some random SNCO a few months back for not having a hat on outside. The Army has given me the urge to loving with dirty privates who are hanging out at the PX whilst in basic training. But then my human decency kicks and realize that there's no need for that, they probably just want to have some ice cream or something. Can't hate on a dude for that. Watch me yell at some hosed up NCO when I'm driving by on the weekend though. Probably after they just yelled at some poor fuzzy who don't know any better.
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Jun 1, 2013 13:23
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Yeah, I'm pretty sure there's no addendum you can file that says "yo, changed my mind, went somewhere else instead".
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Jun 2, 2013 01:59
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Probably like how they told us to stay away from the women in blahblahblah company, when the old timers new it was just one particular Joette.
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Jun 8, 2013 20:01
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CitizenSparkles posted:Few years back, we were having a E-5 board. No big deal. Well this one Spc did NOT want to get promoted for whatever reason. I think he was close to getting out, or maybe 0 fucks were given. Either way, his solution was fairly simple. He did his three knocks and the CSM said enter. At this point, the dude kicks in the door, and combat rolls in. He attempted to close the door by kicking it shut, but hosed that up, and left it wide open. He sprinted over to CSM, stood at attention and gave the whole "Spc blah blah reporting to the president of the board." without saluting. Did this happen at Knox?
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Jun 10, 2013 23:47
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50 foot ant you are a goddamned national treasure. Never stop posting.
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Sep 17, 2013 05:47
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Mr. Nice! posted:I'm pretty sure your dad knows that you're gay. Although stumbling across that nutella dick story would sure be a hell of a way to find out.
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Sep 21, 2013 17:15
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thehumandignity posted:Literally flying across the pacific to get a Charley's cheesesteak atm Camp Casey in Korea. And I've never seen a Charley's in Australia.
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Oct 18, 2013 10:06
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Seriously, how can this guy not have a scandal following him around. He lived in TRADOC for, what, a decade? And he bullshitted through his entire career and deployed once as a CSM. You can't tell me that he hasn't abused his rank in other ways as well.
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Nov 3, 2013 20:45
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Nope, had a couple of waivered 25s in my basic training platoon.
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Dec 25, 2013 04:00
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What the gently caress, was the dude Aquaman or something?
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Feb 7, 2014 21:34
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Okay, so where do I read about the pussy lizards and Sonic and all the shame?
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Feb 8, 2014 01:51
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Biggest dickheads from Pennsylvania.
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Sep 24, 2014 00:32
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It's me, I'm the dirty boot. On the rare occasion that I need to carry some poo poo, the only thing I've got is my oakley kitchen sink backpack. In my defense, the only time I need a backpack is when I got a ton of snacks for staff duty (in which case I don't give a gently caress what some dumb fuckin' soldiers think) or going to the shooting range. It's actually for real good for that, as for some reason it has mag pouches built into the front pocket, and it's just got heaps of space for gats and ammo and other rangey poo poo. It only cost me 60 bucks odd on special from oakley si, so whatever.
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Oct 8, 2014 00:49
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I WISH I did something as important as counting gas masks.
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Oct 9, 2014 17:32
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| # ¿ Apr 29, 2024 03:18 |
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If anyone's gonna manage it, it's gonna be 2ID.
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Jan 5, 2015 21:16
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