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The military is great if you aren't rich and only plan on being in for a few years. Get paid to do mostly easy work, maybe get a clearance, some job experience, then get out and use the GI Bill. The best part is that you don't have to be smart to do it! The military is a little more selective nowadays, so maybe this new group of privates is better, but I came in probably during the darkest days for recruiting. I joined the Army in the summer of 2007. I had just graduated high-school, barely because I really didn't give a poo poo. I had no motivation to do anything, hosed up too bad in school to get into a college worth a poo poo, and even if I could my parents sure as hell couldn't afford it. To top it all off I was fat to. I really didn't have a lot of options. Neither did half my drat state. Some stayed in mom and dad's basement, some went to community college and took out loans for degrees, and the absolute dumbest did what I did. Walked into a recruiters office. At the hotel the night before MEPS I already started to realize how stupid the Army was. One guy got arrested for getting drunk and smashing up the hotel bar. Another guy got beat up for trying to rape some girl. The next day was even better. TWO people failed the breathalyzer, that we were told a dozen times would happen first thing in the morning. Dozens of people got lost, despite the walls having giant colored lines showing exactly where everything was. A few people didn't listen to their recruiters and didn't wear underwear, so they were sent home during the physical. Some forgot essential paper-work, and some were caught flat out lying about criminal and health history. The absolute best were those who failed the drug test. I went to MEPS in a group of six. Our recruiter had been telling us for weeks that MEPS would have a drug test. He said he didn't care if we smoked pot, snorted coke, or shot heroin in between our toes. Just be clean for MEPS which we will all go to on X day. We have nearly two months notice. Three people failed. Nothing prepared me for how stupid the people in basic would be. Even 5 and a half years later I will still remember the name of our biggest idiot. Gross. His last name was Gross, and it loving fit perfectly. He smelled like pig poo poo, looked like a Neanderthal and a Chimpanzee had a baby, and that baby had downs syndrome and when it was very young had the top of it's skull flattened. He would go a week without a shower until we drug him into it. Eventually people resorted to setting up a roster of people to make his bed because holy poo poo he couldn't do that. He couldn't do push-ups, sit-ups or run. He couldn't start an IV, mop a floor, or shoot. He couldn't even was his loving clothes without flooding the entire laundry room. He was just...dumb. Gross did a lot of dumb things. He flagged the Drill Sergeants on every range. He fell out of runs and got lost in the woods (WE NEVER RAN IN THE WOODS ONCE). But his crowning achievement, his finest moment of idiocy, his loving Austerlitz or retardation was warrior forge. For those of you who weren't army or don't remember warrior forge is pretty much the final test of basic. You do a 20k ruck march, (MY UNIT TOTALLY DID THIRTY FIVE THOUGH) react to ambushes and IEDs along the way, and then cap off the night with a night movement exercise. There's a sand pit that has barbed wire about two or so feet off the ground. There's a few obstacles, hills, tank traps etc, and a machine gun fires rounds over your heads. Way over your heads of course, you could stand on Shaq's shoulders and be fine. All you had to do, was crawl. From one end to the other. Just loving crawl, a baby can do that. Gross couldn't. Gross panicked because he was being shot at. He tried to stand up and became tangled in the barb wire. Instead of just sitting still like the drill sergeants said he had a better idea. He tried to take his uniform off. In doing so he mangled his fat paws on the wire, and sliced up his piggish physique. I remember watching him scream and flail, desperately trying to get naked because that's what made sense to him. Gross didn't pass basic because he couldn't do push-ups, sit-ups, or run. When he finally left Fort Sill it was nearly two years later, being chaptered out of the Army for being a fat waste of space. I have quite a few stories I can share later about Gerry. I'll sum Gerry up like this: He was too stupid to drive a Humvee so he was fired from being platoon sergeant driver. He was too stupid to use a radio so he was fired from that. He was too stupid to stand guard in a tower, open a gate, or move ammunition. Gerry brought us chow when we were on long missions. And even better, after being kicked out for over-weight Gerry refused to use his GI Bill. Because it's socialism. Share your stories about the dumbest of the dumb you had the honor of serving with. It's the best part about the military you know. If you ever feel stupid, fat, or useless, just walk around a mall in a military town.
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Nov 28, 2012 03:45
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Lurch was one of the most unfortunate people I had ever met. He really wasn't good at much of anything, and he was six foot eight so he always stuck out. He was pretty good at giving people the impression that he was competent though, before revealing the depths of his idiocy. All the new guys, myself included, got basically the same bonus. $30K split into three $10K payments. After arriving at the unit we all got our first payment. HOOD RICH BRAH! To be fair I pretty much blew the first payment on stupid poo poo, but I didn't go in debt for it. Lurch did. We both had the same squad leader who was a drat good guy. He actually gave a gently caress about us and tried to help us avoid all the credit pit falls privates fall into. Lurch didn't listen. My squad leader and myself were on staff duty one saturday. Except for being a saturday it was pretty legit. We watched movies, bullshitted, and smoked. Pretty cool day. Well my squad leader gets a very angry call from the platoon sergeant. Apparently Lurch bought a truck, a four year old Chevy Colorado. For $12,000, $10,000 of which he financed. At 23% percent. Cue the poor squad leader getting yelled at for an hour over Lurch's stupidity, because he said he told him it was a great deal. He of course had no idea he was even looking at cars. Lurch also had a girlfriend back home, who was terrible. Big shock, so does every private. His was special. He said her $300 a month, cash, in an envelope. Because he didn't "want to waste money on western union fees". He paid for her cellphone that she was an authorized user for. She would lower his minutes/text plan every other month to save him money, and then rack up hundreds in overages. Also he would talk to her so sweetly on the phone in Afghanistan it always freaked me out. "No baby I love you...baby...baby...baby don't say that! I love" Sometimes I would be on the middle phone between him and Mr. "BITCH I'LL KILL YOU!" man. My old PSG summed him up perfectly "Lurch, you the kinda bitch that if you and your girlfriend were walking down an alley, they beat the poo poo out of her and rape you!"
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Nov 29, 2012 00:04
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Reverand maynard posted:If you have been in the military for less than six months your command should be able to fire you. Just bounce you out. Isn't a discharge while you're still IET (in training) characterized differently, or at least handled differently? I mean besides you being trapped at Fort Sill or wherever for years. I know you can only get a failure to adapt discharge when you have less than X months of service. Isn't that true with conscientiousness objector and something else? Gerry: Gerry I feel bad about making fun of sometimes. He meant well, he really did. Part of him was everything the Army could ever ask for. He honestly believes in everything this country and his military stood for. He believed all the propaganda, he believed everyone who out-ranked him spoke with the word of god. His greatest goal in life was to make Sergeant Major. He never answered back. You gave him an order, and god drat it he did it, no questions asked. If you told him to find you the Arc of the Covenant and not come back until he has it, he'd either die looking for it or come back with it. This was also Gerry's greatest failing. Gerry had no loving social skills what so ever. When I say awkward, the kid was loving awkward. His eyes were way too close together, his glasses way too thick, he was too hairy, too fat, too smelly, his voice was too high, and he stuttered too bad to be taken seriously. Except for the nearly touching eyes the kid looked like a loving squirrel. He was a complete and total push-over, the only way he would ever stand up for himself is if you tried to compromise the army values with him. Gerry showed up to our unit at Bragg in the two week window that myself and like 20 other brand new idiot privates all did. I got roomed with him in reception so I got to know him a bit. He was so drat weird and creepy I promised I would never hang out with him ever. Then he went and bought a car. This I give him credit for, he bought a car the best way an E2 can. He got a brand new base model Corolla. He put a large down payment on it, got a fair interest rate, and that was it. No system, no rims, no trim package, nope. He bought...a car. And that was it. Myself and the two guys I became close friends different have vehicles. So we all became friends with Gerry. Gerry was a pretty loving bad driver. I think the world around him moved too fast for his mind to process. We eventually worked out that the passenger was basically his navigation system/co-pilot. "That's a stop sign Gerry." "Oh gently caress!" "The light's green Gerry." "Oh gently caress!" "We want this right Gerry, NOT INTO THAT CAR GERRY!" "Oh ok- OH gently caress!" One day we realized that Gerry was a loving computer. He would do exactly what you told him to do, regardless of what he observed. We started loving with him by waiting for him to be the first car at a red light. We would make sure the coast was clear and yell "Green light Gerry! GO!" and with a high pitched "OH gently caress!" he'd go. He fell for this every single time. One day the absolute most perfect situation possible happened. On post Gerry was the first car stopped at a red light. I was in the passenger seat, and an MP was the car behind him. I made sure no cars were coming and told him to go. He loving did it. The cop behind us immediately hit the lights and pulled Gerry over. I was laughing harder than I ever have before, I couldn't believe this idiot really did it. The cop walks up to the window:  Son, I know you saw that drat light. Well uh I uh...I...I did...officer. So why in the hell did you go through it? Well er uhh...officer...er uhh I uhh...he said it was green. Well son? That true.  Well...officer yes. I yelled that the light was green....Well son, the driver is in charge of the vehicle. Give me your license and insurance card.Gerry got a ticket for it that day, and spent that saturday morning in class As at the post driver safety course. He told me I had to pay the ticket back. I never did.
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Dec 2, 2012 10:30
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Nillerz posted:My team leader leaves tomorrow. You're the dude in Kuwait right? Hey if you're there when the PA guard retards show up look for a tall, skinny, awkward female E7 named Lars. Tell her Leanne says hi and he has eyes everywhere. Then run away. Yes I know you probably won't see her or remember, or care, but it's a hilarious mental image for me, humor me.
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Dec 3, 2012 18:39
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GD_American posted:How about you fuckers try to top some 3-star, national security-endangering stupidity? You're loving kidding me. Do we know what the chain of command was like for these programs? Were they mostly military run or CIA/NSA/whatever? I can't believe a general was able to bully his way into a MiG like that.
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Dec 3, 2012 20:27
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ripped0ff posted:Every now and then, one of my Soldiers does something so mindblowingly stupid that I feel like stabbing them in the face. Sometimes, the poo poo they do is so stupid that I don't really know how we can possibly fight and win wars with guys like this on our side. Thanks to ISR though, I've come to discover an important fact: For every blithering idiot that pollutes our ranks, our enemy has blithering idiots in equal proportion. I once watched an insurgent live on ISR fall off a cliff while taking a piss. He died. I complain to my civilian friends about how dumb the Army is all the time. They all ask me "How the gently caress did we ever win a war?" I always tell them that stupidity is common to every nation, their Army is just as stupid. We just have fancier toys and a bigger budget. Speaking of budget, countless time I've: Fired multi million dollar ATACMS to blow up what was obviously nothing. Watched all sorts of military vehicles crash horribly, completely destroying them, due to sheer incompetence. Seen at least three people just run over their M4s/machine guns. Seen a guy cycle about 5 friends through his rifle at a clearing barrel because he didn't drop the mag. He didn't just shoot the barrel, thank god, but kept racking the charging handle and looking perplexed as rounds kept popping out. I'm not innocent from idiocy though. I once knocked a fence over on a FOB because I got out of a humvee. It was in reverse. I didn't set the brake. 
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Dec 4, 2012 18:12
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 Jesus christ Vasudus, that could have ended BAD!
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Dec 4, 2012 18:42
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Nillerz posted:Story time! My guard unit's old 1SG took a water buffalo onto I-80 behind an LMTV. He left the brakes on the buffalo and they were stuck on the side of the highway for like 12 hours.
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Dec 5, 2012 18:45
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Alright more in the adventures of Gerry. I've already explained the kid was incredibly awkward and a virgin at like 23. As I'm sure you all know it takes real talent to stay a virgin in the Army. Something will wanna get on your dick for a check eventually. This kid literally got stood up by a hooker that he pre-paid, but I've already told that story. Well one weekend a whole poo poo ton of us decided to go onto Area J (a small training area right in the middle of Fort Bragg) and throw a rager. There was this old abandoned building that had power so we had music going and a fridge for drinks. Outside we had a bonfire going, it was seriously a ton of fun and a pretty fond memory of mine. Well eventually ol Gerry shows up, and instead of parking his car in the motorpool parking lot and having us shuttle him up in a truck he just drives his happy rear end, in his corolla, all along the tank trail. Of course he scratches the poo poo out of it and probably fucks the suspension up. Idiot move number one. Then he goes and drops his phone into the fire, and starts freaking out. He goes on squeeling about how if his sergeant calls him he's in so much trouble, he was told to always have his phone on,he sleeps with it on his chest so it can wake him up etc etc. This is hilarious to all of us and we start giving him poo poo about being a major human being. Someone yells out that maybe if he finally got laid he'd stop being such a bitch. Well a girl we called Candycorn, after her worthy teeth, hears that he is a virgin and offers him the goods right there, literally bending over a dude's truck pants round ankles. Gerry stares at her, babbles to himself, undoes his fly and just stands there. Another buddy of mine, and save this for enlisted.txt, shrugs his shoulders, goes up to her, takes her into the dirty rear end shack and pounds her out.Gerry never lived that day down, the other dude knocked Candycorn up that night, and I realized that Army life may not be for me.
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Dec 19, 2012 01:38
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Secret Spoon posted:God bless us, everyone. You get that stuff homey?
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Dec 20, 2012 00:07
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old dog child posted:We don't have a smartest dude in the army thread so I'm posting here instead. We have a guy like that in my guard unit. Three months in a row he failed an APFT, different event each time lol. For pushups his hand was on a rock, indoors, for situps he had a rash, and when he failed the run the track was too uphill. It was perfectly loving flat.
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Dec 21, 2012 05:43
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Demonlord posted:Just read this and would like to say I am one of the PA guard retards currently sitting in Kuwait. I loving hate this place. Haha poor guy. Is this your first deployment?
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Dec 24, 2012 02:27
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Demonlord posted:Unfortunately yes, fortunately, our sister PA guard brigade is deploying somewhere more dangerous next year so I might hop on that one.
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Dec 24, 2012 17:23
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Veins McGee posted:I'm pretty sure that every single person in every single BN motor-t section in the entire US military are the biggest idiots. Every single loving range, every single god damned one I've ever went to was hosed up because some holier than thou idiot in the MP decided to gently caress something up. First of all no, I won't do pullups before I walk into your office, sign my loving dispatch. Second, I've told you a thousand times, we re-numbered A-11 to A-21. Notice every number is the same. No, gently caress you, I won't walk a half mile out there and verify it again just so you can go get a smoke-break in. I did that last week. And the week before. And third, bullshit, I'm not an idiot, your box isn't broken I can see it working.
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Dec 26, 2012 23:26
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Vasudus posted:Range control in Iraq was rad because 1) We ran the range at our 400-something FOB. and 2) We didn't give a gently caress. When I got to hang out with some third group guys they showed me a video of them just laying into some random mountain with captured mortars. Ranges are their own special place of idiocy because people can kill you on them. I had a LTC in the PA guard nearly blow my face off once, I watched a guy on a grenade range trip walking up to the safety holding his grenades, I had someone shoot half my targets on a qual range all three tables (I told him after each time what he was doing), and the best is I saw someone ND into their foot AND the safety's leg.
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Dec 27, 2012 00:18
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Holy poo poo, they cut your rations in basic? I ate like a loving king in basic, and still lost a ton of weight.
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Dec 27, 2012 20:35
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Casimir Radon posted:A a couple guys I work with were installing telephone, coax, and PA into a new building a long time ago. As they were in there by themselves on of them thought he'd make a funny test page on the local PA. Except somehow he ended up sending "TEST TEST TEST, YOUR MOM IS THE BEST" out as a basewide page. Every indoor PA speaker on base, plus the big horns on the HQ roof. Luckily for him nobody around here really cares about anything so stupid. If it was Army people that did this they'd write a policy letter about it and he'd have to go to training and then there would be microphone guard.
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Jan 1, 2013 19:46
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I always laugh when I see a combat patch, CIB, Air Assault, Airborne, and Pathfinder on an E2.
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Jan 25, 2013 22:13
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I think the reason most prior service guys are weird poo poo bags is because they are too stupid or lazy to manage life as a civilian, so they need uncle Sam to hold their hands.
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Feb 1, 2013 03:31
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GD_American posted:In the lack of an actual personality or sense of character, they'll adopt and exaggerate whatever biographical info they can. Either they were in the Army for 3 years and ARMY VET PROUD for the next 50. Or they're the one guy from a different state and start every story YOU KNOW BACK IN MINNUSOTAHHH. I see a lot of the first type nowadays. Some of my close friends don't even know I was in the Army, in class I say I'm so old because I was saving up for college. But most of the other veteran students are fleece cap wearing, bug-out bag having, name tape sticking, 82nd patch wearing chodes. Everytime the professor says something "WELL BACK IN THE ARMY WE"
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Feb 1, 2013 03:41
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We also have fancy toys and a poo poo ton of money.
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Feb 2, 2013 00:53
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Pesticide20 posted:There's an E-7 in my battalion that stabbed one of his own guys in the chest as an E-6. Did the victim deserve it?
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Feb 4, 2013 23:34
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Called the school cafeteria the chow hall last week. 
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Feb 5, 2013 06:14
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I tell everyone in my unit that I am surrounded by a five meter no hooah zone.
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Feb 5, 2013 06:24
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It's a toss up between the navy and AF for biggest weirdos.
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Feb 5, 2013 15:38
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Veins McGee posted:Deck, bulkhead, ladderwell, head, hatch, aye, overhead, port, starboard, aft, gaff, ladderwell, field day I had to deal with Marines in the mail-room sometimes and the constant AYE AYEs really amused me.
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Feb 5, 2013 17:56
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Cool things to shout at dumb Joes. Hey airborne! Hey high speed! Come here turbo! HEY WARRIOR! I GUESS WE DONT *thing we are supposed to do* SINCE WHEN DOES A PRIVATE Oh so I guess nowadays a PFC can tell an E5 what to do. (said by a fat NG E5 when a PFC relayed a message from the 1SG)
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Feb 6, 2013 01:31
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Mr. Nice! posted:That came down from the goat locker and senior enlisted types that also brought NWUs. Trust me, I hate that poo poo more than anything. I'm a loving Sailor. Not a drat warrior. I actually got into a bit with a one star's CMC for that. When I was reclassing. in Texas IET soldiers flattened against the wall for me.
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Feb 6, 2013 17:32
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Chrieger posted:You guys supply those? I'd read it.
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Feb 12, 2013 13:10
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(Which is an entirely different case of 
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Booblord Zagats posted:Ok, how? Years ago when the military was still desperate for people anything besides honorable discharges were rare. I knew a guy who pissed hot like 3 times, then got caught selling in the barracks, and got an HONORABLE discharge.
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Mar 7, 2013 18:00
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Booblord Zagats posted:I was hoping for a fun idiot story I'm sure there's been a few times where a chapter is processed and then a commander suddenly realizes he checked the "honorable" box on accident.
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Mar 7, 2013 18:24
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Martello posted:How the gently caress does a sovereign citizen weirdo join the Army, where you have fewer rights than regular people even? I think a lot of military people are just very impressionable. They get yelled at "for just being a few minutes late a couple (5) times" then decide to rage against the machine because it's totes unfair they got punished they're above this OMG DONT OPPRESS ME!
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Mar 7, 2013 19:15
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Worst part about grenades was running a range using them. Run from one side of the course to the other! Now back! Again! OK throw the dummy grenades! We forgot to tell you to keep your pins! Oh our bad we counted wrong! Wait in line for six years to throw live ones! Ahhhh!
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Mar 21, 2013 00:23
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My biggest regret from my military service was never getting to play around in Europe. The most excitement I had was having guns pointed at us while we smoke on a planes stairs in Romania, and getting drunk at a hotel bar in England on our way back home from Afghanistan.
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Mar 27, 2013 17:42
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I have never seen a good looking, or even an ok, or even a not disgusting, hooker in the US. Escorts and such some are ok but otherwise. Bleh!
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Mar 27, 2013 20:18
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A Greek Letter posted:Keeping up the poo poo story theme: Oh my GOD this'll be tough to top.
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Apr 30, 2013 16:58
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Lord Gaga posted:Wrong the content of my pockets has been severely regulated by my girlfriend because she does my laundry and says it was inappropriate to put jelly in there so no more jelly pockets for me no more PBJ on the go I might dump her though and then I can have jelly pockets again. What the gently caress is this
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May 2, 2013 16:21
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Deathy McDeath posted:Lord Gaga is a fat, ugly W&W poster. If you followed GLITBL, he was pathetic bridge troll RealKyleH This is my new favorite idiot story.
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May 2, 2013 17:09
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Snowdens Secret posted:Watch and Weight It was an abslsoute disaster and I think someone even called the cops on their date? Every goon dating thing has been an absolute failure, I mean go figure a bunch of angry poor 20 somethings don't make good lovers.
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May 3, 2013 04:28
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Snowdens Secret posted:The point wasn't to get goons into relationships. It was to get goons to generate goony drama content to mock and laugh at. The mod running it was posting in the FYAD thread laughing his rear end off with everyone else. I don't mean just GLITBL specifically. There have been several goon dating things and all were tragic.
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May 3, 2013 04:56
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