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My two year old is like a walking non-sequitur. Out of no where: "We don't eat our shoes!" Um, no, we don't. Good observation there! He also sleeps with a toy bulldozer and a silicon oven mitt. Yeah, I dunno. I had to draw the line with the kitchen tongs, because they're kind of sharp and pokey. He also asks for a beer, regularly. Like this morning in the car at the grocery store: "Mommy, can I just has a beer pweese?" Sorry, no. It's not noon yet. Also, the "Do we..." series. "Do we hit our friends? NOOOO." Okay, thanks nursery school. Solid stuff. "Do we hug our friends? YEEEESSS!" Aww, good job there buddy! "Do we grab our friends? NOOOO." Cool. "Do we push our friends? NOOOO." Okay. "Do we drag our friends? NOOOO." Um, these are getting a little disturbingly specific and increasingly violent here. "Do we look at our friends poop? NOOOO." Seriously kid? What do you do at school exactly?! My older one, during potty training, likened my husband's penis to an elephant's trunk. Mr. Cookie's ego was insufferable for a while after that. 
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Nov 15, 2013 20:54
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| # ¿ Apr 30, 2024 08:48 |
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/\/\ Haha! My five year old categorizes his poops based on their size and shape. He'll tell me he did two golf balls and a sausage poop. My husband also taught the two year old to announce that he has a "steaming dump". He will be manning the parent-teacher conference that eventually addresses this. I never in my life thought I would talk about poop on a daily basis the way you do when you have little kids. Edit: PS, if you can teach him to call the mayor poop Rob Ford, you win a drink from the fire hose.
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Nov 19, 2013 03:26
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"The toothbrush on my wiener feels tickley!"
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Dec 21, 2013 01:45
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Lipumira posted:My 5 and a half year old nephew used to blame the bad things he did on his brain. As in, "My brain told me to hit that kid" and "I want to be good but my brain tells me to be naughty". My sister finally snapped and told him that he IS his brain and his brain is him. And he looked at her like she was crazy. My 5.5 year old does this too, and I have told him the same thing. He is his brain. I have gotten a "hmph" in response.
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Dec 24, 2013 21:03
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zbn posted:When I was about 4, I was eating in a restaurant with my parents, when a family of achondroplastic dwarves came in. I stopped eating, stared at them for a little bit, then at the top of my voice exclaimed "MUMMY, LOOK AT THOSE FUNNY LITTLE PEOPLE!" That's lovely of them. Small children are naturally curious and will point out anything different they notice around them. They mean no malice or harm, certainly. It's a teachable moment (albeit an awkward teachable moment), not something to get all pissy about dwarf family from the past! This past summer, at a local animal attraction, my five year old points out a lady with a prosthetic leg. (It was one of the really awesome ones that has shocks and allows running and such, with a pneumatic knee joint.) He loudly shouts "Hey MOM!!! That lady has a ROBOT LEG!!" I had a split second where I freaked out inside, thinking this is one of those parental moments I do not want to gently caress up. Before I can even open my mouth, she pipes right up and bends down to speak to him. Told him that a long time ago, she was in a car accident and hurt her leg so badly doctors had to remove it and give her this one instead. All with a smile, in the kindest way. He gives her rapt attention. Asked if it hurt (nope, doctors have special medicine to give you when they do something like that). Asked her if she could run and jump (she said she could). He told her that her robot leg was awesome, and he wanted one. I thanked her for her grace and patience, to which she responded with chuckles and dismissive clucking. She said there was nothing to thank her for, and no reason for her to be upset at an innocent kid being a kid. And that her grandkids think it's awesome too. 
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Jan 9, 2014 20:30
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Not inadvertently racist, but last night I asked the five year old if the crane toy was really worth crying and screaming about (they weren't sharing.) His answer: "Yes Mommy! That's why I'm crying and yelling!" Flawless logic.
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Jan 22, 2014 15:06
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I agree: Kodilynn, your kid indeed sounds awesome. To contribute, I submit this:  Evil clown face demon--with measles no less? No. Self portrait. It went like this: The Kindergarten Dinosaur was in the bathroom off the kitchen in the mirror doing this for school. I was in the kitchen cleaning up and we were talking. Don't forget your freckles on your nose! But I already colored my nose. Oh? What color did you use? Black. ...Oh-kay.Then he emerges with the harvester of souls up there. I asked him why his teeth were sharp, and he replied "because that would be awesome!". I asked him why they were pink and he helpfully told me that was the pink part teeth come out of, duh. He did admit that he made his freckles a little bit big, but that he liked them. And he remembered his eyes were blue! Big achievement. I hadn't laughed at this point, I was totally playing it straight. I sent him to go put it away, and then he asks, "Do you think I made me look girly?" Um...no. I'm afraid to even ask, but why? "Because I made my hair more curly. I should draw something else to make it more boy." And that was when I lost it. I managed to choke out that he looked fine and to please not draw any more on it (I don't think my heart could have taken it). He started laughing at me laughing, and I ran off to the bathroom to finish dying without scaring him for life. That scrawl on the edge was the note I tacked on for his teacher.
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Feb 27, 2014 22:05
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Arschlochkind posted:It actually wouldn't surprise me that much. My mom teaches 4th grade and routinely gets stuff like "You know who Spider-Man is?! Yeah, none of this surprises me. Kids have no real concept of age, or the progression of large increments of time. They also think teachers just live at the school, in little hermetically sealed boxes waiting for the next school day. When we ran into my three year old's nursery school teacher outside of school, he freaked out and cried. Because Ms Brenda WASN'T AT SCHOOL. Content: My kindergartner's betta died over the weekend, and this was such a tragedy, that he dragged his blanket and pillow out to the hallway and curled up asleep on the floor that night at bed. The hardwood floor. We found him when we went upstairs after watching a movie. When I asked him about it, he said it was because sleeping next to his empty nightstand reminded him too much of his fish, so he went into the hall. (We got him a new fish.)
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Mar 25, 2014 02:09
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/\/\ Little sponges with excellent hearing, they are. My three year old called his cereal bowl "insufferable" yesterday. Guess what I called him and his brother this past week when they were fighting?
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Apr 14, 2014 15:27
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Just now: Good Morning Three Year Old! Did you have a nice sleep? Yeah, Mommy! C'mon Tic Tacs, let's go get breakfast! Kid loves his Tic Tacs. On kids and music, he also loves his "Nime Inch Nails". 
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May 15, 2014 13:56
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Me and the three year old were rubbing noses. Cute, right? He said we were sword fighting noses. Awesome. Ha ha buddy, en garde! Then he sticks out his tongue and says "Let's sword fight tongues Mommy!!" and proceeds to hold my face and poke it with his tongue, as I am peeling him off of me with my mouth and eyes firmly clamped shut. No, no sword fighting tongues.
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Jun 10, 2014 18:43
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The three year old has been full of it lately. This weekend, he lets out a huge burp. I ask, "What do you do when you burp?" to prompt an "excuse me". He turns around and high fives his dad, much to dad's delight. Just a little while ago, he requests music. The coughing song. The one with the beat. Um...okay. Can you sing it for me, buddy? "Cough, cough, CLAP!" "Cough, cough, CLAP!" He's even more in love with it now that I explained those are foot stomps, not coughs.
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Jul 7, 2014 17:36
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Three year old is in the other room right now, by himself, singing a song: "Butt, and butt, and buttandbuttandbutt and stupiiiiiiid! Butt, butt, butt, butt, stupid, stupid, stupid, buuuuuuuuutttt!"
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Aug 2, 2014 19:29
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As a follow up to his smash hit, "Stupid Butt Butt", yesterday we had: "Poop and poop and poopoopoopoopoop poooooooooop Poop, poop, butt, buuuuuuutttttt, pooooooop butt" ad nauseum "Mommy, can poops have poops?" --Peels of hysterical laughter at his own cleverness-- He's singing songs using the "worst" words he knows. Because yes, "stupid" is a Bad Word. ("Mommy, don't say 'stupid', that's a no-no word.") Perhaps one day I'll have to contend with Die Motherfucker, Die, but today I'll take stupid poop butts.
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Aug 7, 2014 19:55
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/\/\ Ha! My boys' favorite thing is to cross streams out in the yard. Three year old told the girl at Sam's yesterday she was fired because the hotdogs weren't ready yet. I asked him if he knew what that meant (it's in a book we read), and he points into the air and shouts "No idea! But the boss says that in Fly Guy when he's not happy with Miss Muzz, and I'm not happy about the hotdogs!" The cashier laughed, at least, but we talked about how that's not a nice thing to say to people. Kids, mortifying their parents in public since the dawn of time.
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Sep 19, 2014 15:04
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Three year old has recently potty trained. This exchange happened a couple days ago. When my wiener says it has pee, I go pee! When my butt has poop, I go poop! You got it buddy! I know everything! ...  Say it Mommy. Say what? That you know everything?...he makes a dark face and whispers "Yes. I know everything." 
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Oct 5, 2014 16:51
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Conversation this morning between the kids: 6 y.o.: C'mon Liam! Let's go--we're not brothers, we're twins! 3 y.o.: What's a twin? 6 y.o.: That's when you have commons. 3 y.o.: What commons? 6 y.o.: That's stuff that's the same. C'mon! 3 y.o.: I'm not a twin! I'm a mammal. A human bee-ing mammal! 6 y.o.: Fine. Let's go be mammals!
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Nov 27, 2014 17:54
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Can I see your eye blood [conjunctiva]? Can I dip my fingers in it? Jesus no, child! What the hell!
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Jan 10, 2015 03:13
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4 year old puts on Daddy's shoes and parades around: "I'm Daddy! I go to work and do computers." Yes, that's right; you're very cute. He puts on my shoes and parades around: "I'm Mommy! I have a purse!" Then he bellows, "IT'S TIME TO GO--GET YOUR SHOES ON NOW!!" Just like Mommy does.
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Mar 27, 2015 13:54
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Conversation with the 4 year old on the way home from nursery school yesterday: Did you have a good day at school? Yup! Mommy, can we eat a person? What? No, no we can't do that. Does a person not taste very good? No? I don't know; that's not why we don't eat people. Eating someone is sad, mean, and gross. Why do you want to eat a person? Because a person is full of meat. I like meat. Daddy can grill. The Hell, child, the Hell. Goddamnit, from the mouths of babes...
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Apr 9, 2015 18:53
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razorrozar posted:Kids and psychopaths: not so different. No joke. In addition to the 4 year old asking about eating people, I have his 7 year old brother asking what happens to him if he kills his little brother. I said that he would go to jail until he died and I would hate him forever for doing such a terrible thing. (I don't gently caress around with asking about killing people--especially your brother. I don't care if it's normal to "hate" your siblings like that; just hit him and get in normal trouble like a normal child.) He promptly told me that wasn't true because kids don't go to jail. I told him the me hating him part was absolutely true, regardless of where the police ended up putting him.  I swear, some days I fear they will turn me into a bonafide alcoholic.
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Apr 21, 2015 22:38
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4 year old: Is derpy a bad word? Um, yes? It's a rude word; like stupid. [Where in the Hell are you hearing "derpy"?!] Like what the gently caress, right Mommy? Yes, like that. Don't say that; that's a very rude grown up word. gently caress yeah, Mom, I know. So much parenting fail.Also, my 7 y.o. made himself An Angry Box. It's a box from a hose reel we just bought, that he took and labeled himself: "Tim's Angry Box", with a Mr Yuck looking mad face and a "Keep Out" with a line through it. It's for sitting in when he's angry, obviously. (I was actually pretty impressed with him for devising a positive coping strategy like that, but it's still pretty funny.)
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Apr 27, 2015 22:30
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Rough Lobster posted:Two strangely ominous child encounters today. Arx Monolith posted:My 4 year old son's entire life, we have not been able to get him to eat any kind of sandwich. He refuses because "I hate sandwiches, remember?" No grilled cheese, no cheeseburger, no PB and J. Nothing. Anyway, he recently told us why. Direct quote: I absolutely love strange, creepy type stuff like this out of kids. It always makes me wonder, just little, tiny, bit...
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May 11, 2015 20:29
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 Mommy! My weiner is all puffed up! LOOKIT!! That's great; weiners do that sometimes. It's how they work. But FEEL it Mommy!! It's big!! No thank you. Weiners are private and only for you to touch. Mommy or Daddy or the doctor would only touch it if there was a boo-boo, or something wrong. But it's puffed up--SEE MOMMY?!?!? FEEL IT!!! I see it. Pull up your underwear and go play. Seriously. If you want, tell Daddy about it when he gets home.Having boys may be the death of me. But a friend who has all girls had her littlest one keep sticking a finger in her vagina and asking her (mom) to smell it when she was about 2, so having girls may have been just as terrifying. Kids, man... At least he's done discussing eating a person?
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Jun 4, 2015 22:20
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I was explaining to my 4 year old this morning that I was going to hop in the shower to shave my legs. He rubs my legs, comments on how spikey they are. Then says, "But it's okay Mommy; I can still hug them." And then he did.
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Jul 30, 2015 22:02
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4 y.o., while holding an empty keyring-- My precioussss. Mommy, this is The Precious. I'mma keep it secret; keep it safe. One ring to rule them all! Even rule the most POWERFUL Mommy! Ahahahaha! Then, I'mma throw it the fire! ... Can I be Smaug instead when I grow up?
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Sep 9, 2015 19:04
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4 year old is in the shower, singing. I move closer to the bathroom, so I can hear him. "Wiener, wiener, wieeeeeener! Wiener, wiener, wieNER!" I silently laugh, and go get Dad to hear the Wiener Tribute. We're being quiet, since I don't want him to stop singing. He then shouts, "Hey MOM! Can you hear my awesome wiener song?!" 7 year old brings home a completed worksheet from school. Was supposed to draw an animal that lives in the forest, and in the ocean [respectively.] I can't tell what he's drawn, so I ask him. He drew a Sasquatch, and a Sea Serpent. Of course he did.
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Oct 9, 2015 20:31
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FreudianSlippers posted:A teacher told a kid that he was 20 years older than him. Kid refuses to believe the teacher is older than him and replies "No. I was the first to be born.". Heh, my 4 year old does a variation of this: "Mommy, when I was old and you were the kid, I used to do crafts with you too!" Um, not quite kiddo, but points for trying.
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Oct 14, 2015 02:41
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4 year old--"MOM! C'mere! My pants are pretending to be my shirt, and I'm stuck!" Putting on his pajamas...
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Nov 27, 2015 03:18
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| # ¿ Apr 30, 2024 08:48 |
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Any body have kids that read Junie B Jones books? I swear, I have her twin brother. "[5 year old son], are you playing in my makeup?" "Um, yeah. Except for I'm even putting it already away. So, okay?"
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Jun 22, 2016 19:52
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