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My 8-year-old figured out a while back that Santa Claus isn't real, because magic isn't real. So he came to the logical conclusion that the presents in the stockings must be left there by guys dressed in Santa costumes, just like the mall Santa. I haven't yet been willing to disabuse him of the idea that random dudes in Santa outfits break into our house every Christmas and leave him presents. My 6-year-old, who is on the autism spectrum and learned to read at 2, but struggles with social skills, once came home from school with a note saying that he had called another student a bad word. The teacher had referenced the word as "B _ _ _ _." My kid couldn't understand why the teacher had left the letters blank, so he had helpfully filled in "B-I-T-C-H" for me.
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Dec 24, 2013 06:18
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My 6-year-old is still having issues with potty training (again, autism) and my 8-year-old decided to try to offer him some helpful advice: Him: You know how you can tell when you need to pee? When your penis gets all STRAIGHT. Me: Uh, yeah. That happens to boys sometimes. Him: No, Mommy. It happens ALL THE TIME. Uh, thanks for that information, kid.
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Jan 8, 2014 06:33
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My 6-year-old is convinced that people live to exactly 100. He and his older brother, who is 8, get on each other's nerves a lot. One day after they'd been fighting, the 6-year-old commented to me, "When I'm 99 years old, he won't bother me anymore." Me: "Because ... he'll be dead then?" Him: "Yeah!" 
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Jan 10, 2014 19:23
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I saw a little girl and her mom at Target the other day shopping in the toy section. Out of nowhere, this conversation happened: Girl: I'm going to freeze everyone! With my ICE POWERS! I can freeze EVERYONE IN THE WORLD! Mom: .... Are you being Elsa? Girl: Yeah! Disney princess movies aren't what they used to be. 
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Dec 11, 2014 16:05
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I made cinnamon toast for my (autistic, highly verbal) 7-year-old the other day - two pieces, as always. He wasn't very hungry and only ate one piece, then gave me a piercing glare and said "Note: I did not say I wanted TWO pieces." I could practically hear the punctuation. Same kid, a few weeks ago: "I know that you need to combine two sets of DNA to make a person, but I don't understand how you put the DNA together."
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Mar 16, 2015 23:00
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TKIY posted:Holy poo poo that sounds so much like my (autistic, highly verbal) 9-year-old.   I have gotten sentences starting with "P.S." too. He also took offense when his teacher told the class that there are three states of matter, and tried to stand up and give his 2nd-grade class a lecture on plasma.
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Mar 17, 2015 21:53
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Colton posted:I took my 2 year old son to the zoo last weekend and he wanted to see the elephants. At the time we went, the elephants were in their pen. My son noticed that it was a small space and they looked like they were waiting to get let outside. So he looked at me and said "daddy! The elephants are trapped inside with their giant poops!" Toddlers are the best. My pregnant friend has a 3-year-old who really, really wants the new baby to be a girl, not a boy. He overheard us discussing this and informed me, "I need a sister. I need a sister RIGHT NOW! But sister stuck in her tummy!" He frowned and pointed accusingly at his mom's belly. Like if mom would just cooperate and get the baby out already, he'd have the sister he wants. He's got six more months to wait, poor little dude.
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Mar 26, 2015 18:50
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Just remembered this conversation with my autistic kid soon after he turned 3: Me: You're getting so tall! Him: I came out your tummy! Me: That's right. Him: Now I fwee! Me: Yes, now you're three. Him: I level up? The best part of this? I'm pretty sure this was a lightbulb moment for him. He hadn't really understood birthdays, or aging, or the passage of time, before then. 
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Mar 31, 2015 15:25
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Culex posted:My husband was out walking the dog, and passed by one house which has two very nice dogs. The dogs were in the back yard, jumping and barking at my husband and our dog, and apparently that alerted a tiny little girl in the house. The front door SLAMMED open, a tiny little girl ran out wielding a plastic sword, and hit my husband in the knee with it, shouting, "I'M the kendo master!" Then she ran back inside and slammed the door shut.
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Apr 6, 2015 15:38
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AlistairCookie posted:
Best child.
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Apr 17, 2015 22:56
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10-year-old wanted Twizzlers. Me: Why do you think you should get to have some Twizzlers? Son: Because I'm hungry. And I'm AWESOME.
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Apr 21, 2015 17:54
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My 7-year-old had just found an old Burger King paper crown in his room when I poked my head in to ask what he wanted for a bedtime snack. I would like some Golden Grahams ...*pause, deliberately puts on the crown*  ... for I am the king.Me: Uh, yes, your majesty.
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Apr 27, 2015 08:55
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Choco1980 posted:The moment their first child is born, a light from heaven comes down and elucidates every single father that this right here is their new purpose in life. Every single father in this thread will confirm this. As a mother, I believe my corollary job is to roll my eyes and say "stop teasing the poor child!" whenever this happens.
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Apr 28, 2015 16:26
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My kids' grandpa, my ex's dad, died last week. He was a great guy and the kids are just heartbroken. My aforementioned highly verbal autistic 7-year-old got antsy during the funeral service, so my mom handed him an offering envelope and pencil, thinking he'd draw on it. He writes "DEATH IS PART OF LIFE" and then starts filling the blank space around it with broken hearts. My mom's face was priceless. Later that day I comforted him by reminding him that approximately 25% of his DNA came from his grandpa. ETA: Also, at the funeral, he quietly mused to me, "I wonder what it feels like to have your husband die." I asked him to please not ask Grandma this question, as it might make her sad. pookel has a new favorite as of 20:58 on May 15, 2015 |
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May 15, 2015 19:25
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Echeveria posted:....there's a .... a no weapons sign?  Like this. Usually seen at the entrance to courthouses, post offices, schools, libraries, etc. (My inner copy editor is trying to bite her tongue over this sign's implication that firearms aren't weapons.)
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May 21, 2015 04:24
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Oh, God. Boys and their weiners. My two, at around 8 and 5.5 (younger is autistic and was slow to potty train): Elder: Hey, I have an idea for how you can tell when you need to pee. Younger: Oh? How can I tell? Elder: Because your penis gets all STRAIGHT. Me: Yes, that's something that happens sometimes when boys need to pee. Elder: No, Mommy. It happens to me ALL THE TIME. Er, thanks for sharing, kid.
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Jun 4, 2015 22:32
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I'm wondering why they were embarrassed that the boys could NOT see them handing their urine over.
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Jun 7, 2015 02:54
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We went over to my friend's house today, where my mom taught my kids and my friend's kids to make and decorate their own kites. Friend's daughter, almost 6, drew some hearts and flowers. Friend's older daughter, 8, drew a nice landscape with birds and a flower. My son, 10, drew a Minecraft creeper face. My younger son, 7.5, drew an Erlenmeyer flask with green clouds coming out, and explained that it was chlorine gas.-
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Jun 8, 2015 03:30
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"Adorable in a bizarre way" is a great summary of that child. Recently he bumped a button in Bloons Monkey City on his tablet and accidentally used up his precious bloonstones. He was screaming and throwing a fit at school, and his special ed teacher suggested writing a letter to the creators. He came home with this on paper, and then typed it up and e-mailed Ninjakiwi: quote:Dear creators of bloons monkey city, I have a suggestion on using bloonstones. When using monkey boost or red hot spikes maybe you could make an "are you sure" button before buying monkey boost or red hot spikes. I bumped a button and it made me use 20 bloonstones that I had saved. This upset me very much and ythat is why I came up with this suggestion. Thank you for your consideration.
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Jun 8, 2015 16:34
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I think his teacher helped him a bit, but he was so darn proud of himself for writing a real letter. This is the same highly verbal autistic kid I posted about upthread who once told me "Note: I did not ask for TWO pieces of toast" and who tried to lecture his second-grade class about plasma when his teacher told them there were three states of matter. I have no shortage of stories about him, that's for sure.
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Jun 8, 2015 20:18
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Choco1980 posted:My 8-year-old son likes jokes. Yesterday at Dinner I was mentioning how I love the show Hannibal to my parents at the table, and he decides to mishear it and comes up with "Hammibal" a pig that eats bacon for breakfast. This is pretty sharp for an 8-year-old.
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Jun 11, 2015 14:27
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Tonight being Friday, I'm letting the 10-year-old stay up as late as he wants, on the condition that he put himself to bed, and if he's grumpy in the morning we'll rethink this plan. Kid, at 10:30, plopping on the couch: "Now, if only I had a bag of potato chips, and I liked soda ... I could be a real kid."
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Jun 27, 2015 04:44
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From my friend's Facebook. She has an adorable, precocious nearly-3-year-old daughter. Kid: "I need you to open my fire truck." Mom: "Does it open?" Kid: "Yes, it opens very well." Mom: "How do I open it?" Kid: "You need to get a hammer."
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Jul 2, 2015 18:53
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My 7-year-old just came in to tell me, "My brain is hurting because I watched a video about the ways you die in a black hole and they're messing with the rules of the universe."
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Jul 12, 2015 17:58
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cash crab posted:Every time you tell stories about your kid, I imagine he's a really short adult you live with, because that's how he seems tbh So basically he's a very short goon, yeah.
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Jul 14, 2015 15:58
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Choco1980 posted:I forgot one from the other day. We were at a burger place, and my son had his wrapper fall off the table. Then he looks at me and gravely murmmured "No, twas pickles that killed the beast."  How old is he?
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Jul 15, 2015 14:39
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I remember my mom telling a story, which might have been about me or my brother, about a kid who insisted that they had two separate stomachs, one for regular food and one for dessert. So it was perfectly logical that the meal stomach was full and the dessert stomach was still hungry.
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Aug 27, 2015 16:16
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My 8yo's 3rd grade class talked about bullying, and then had an assignment to write a letter to someone you imagined being mean to you, asking them to stop. This is what my kid came home with: Dear Darth Vader, I don't like it when you call me a scaredy-cat for being afraid of the dark. Please stop. Simon
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Sep 8, 2015 18:40
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My coworker is raising her grandson, who is a bit under 2. She posted on Facebook today that she'd taught him about jumping out and saying "BOO!" to scare someone. So what does he do with this knowledge?quote:He sneaks up on himself in the mirror and jumps out and yells BOO! Then giggles hysterically.
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Sep 12, 2015 03:50
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Friends of mine just had a baby. Their four-year-old keeps asking "where's his mommy and daddy?" He doesn't seem to be grasping the concept yet that he has to SHARE his mommy and daddy with this newcomer.
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Sep 25, 2015 15:48
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I revived my old Twitter account from 6 years ago so I didn't have to mess around with getting a new one (I wanted to send a question to someone). So I read through my old tweets from when I used to post about baby and kid stuff, and found this gem: 4yo to his 21mo brother: "Thank you for being a dude." Around the same time, the 4-year-old: Corbin: Did you go boat? Me: Vote? In the election? Corbin: Yeah. Me: Yes, I voted. Corbin: Did you watch out for sharks?
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Oct 17, 2015 04:48
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I met my boyfriend's niece and nephew for the first time last week. Niece, 4, hugged me and exclaimed "I haven't seen you since last week!" Later she grabbed me and petted my hair: "It's so pretty! And curly!"
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Oct 29, 2015 19:53
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From a Facebook friend:quote:7yo: "You don't know this, but in my head I have a list. I don't have to write it down, because I repeat it before bed. I have six people on my list......it's my enemy list." Editing to add: Me: Do you want me to find an adult book about astronomy, like a harder book, or a kids' book about space? Autistic 8yo: Which one do you think would have more facts in it? pookel has a new favorite as of 19:05 on Nov 6, 2015 |
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Nov 5, 2015 23:47
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I had Thanksgiving dinner with my boyfriend's family, which was the first time I've done a holiday with them. In the middle of dinner, apropos of absolutely nothing, his 4-year-old niece looked at him and said "You have a GIRLFRIEND!" in her best gossipy preteen voice, then broke down in giggles.
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Nov 28, 2015 06:16
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Me: ... and someday, if [Aunt] gets married, she might have a baby too, and then you'd have another cousin! Well, technically, she wouldn't have to get married, either. You know, some people don't. 10yo: *confused look* 10yo: *lightbulb* 10yo: OH YEAH! She could adopt a baby! He knows what sex is, and how babies are made, but still isn't quite making those connections yet. Or possibly he just thinks sex is so gross that no one but married people would ever do it, and then only to have babies.
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Dec 11, 2015 00:02
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pepsigloworm posted:I'm a Montessori teacher. I have a book I keep, that gets written in daily with hilarious quotes from the children. It's not wrong! (No, my kid isn't Catholic - he's basically an atheist like me, although I haven't pushed it on him and he's learned a bit about what different religions believe. He's just hitting that age where everything is embarrassing.)
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Dec 11, 2015 02:21
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Arx Monolith posted:Technically correct is the best kind of correct. Me: "Technically, if you had a ton, you'd have 2,000 pounds of it." 8yo: *grins and giggles at me* 10yo, glaring at both of us: "Why do you have to be so TECHNICAL all the time?" From a Facebook friend: quote:Me: Jane, are you going to eat your oranges? pookel has a new favorite as of 21:14 on Dec 17, 2015 |
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Dec 17, 2015 20:36
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My (autistic) 8-year-old has recently become obsessed with Kerbal Space Program. He was complaining to my boyfriend that he was having a hard time getting some particular rocket to go as high as he wanted. Boyfriend explained that if he had two stages of rocket boosters, then the rocket would become lighter after the first boosters fell off, which would allow the second stage to propel it higher. Kid: (Sigh) "Yeah, I know I could do that, but you see, the problem is I'm too lazy." ETA: Since then, boyfriend and I have started using "But you see, the problem is I'm too lazy" as a reason not to do things. Seems legit.
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Feb 2, 2016 17:12
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Last night my boyfriend showed our friends' four-year-old which car was his by using his remote starter to flash its lights. Four year old: "Your keys are magic!!"
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Mar 7, 2016 03:55
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My friend's daughter, 8, missed the memo about my divorce a few years back and was shocked to hear I had a boyfriend. Her mom said, "but you know about how people get divorced sometimes, right?" 8-year old holds up her hand in a say-no-more gesture and says, "I've read about this in books. You don't need to tell me any details."
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Mar 21, 2016 01:17
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