walrusman posted:

That's a good one. Reminds me of that guy - was it a goon? - who posted looking for advice on how to build an underwater libertarian paradise because he had a rich Arab investor all buttered up to pay for it. Along the way, as I recall, he demonstrated a baffling misunderstanding of how corporate sales, credit cards, prostitutes, steak houses, and life in general work.

edit: Googling "bioshock arab prince hooker corporate credit card" hasn't gotten me anywhere.

vv I think we're thinking of the same story. It's a goddamn classic. vv

System Metternich posted:

Ha, I remember that guy. Didn't he seriously suggest that if two opponents were like ten metres spaced apart, the gunman would lose because he would need precious time drawing and aiming his gun during which the swordsman with his mad ninja skills would teleport to his opponent and slice him up real good?

Fake edit: and was he in turn not the same guy as the fat one who did those "true steel" DVDs where he would slice up some pig carcasses with his katana and get really exhausted after one swing or two?

Kugyou no Tenshi posted:

Sounds like someone who's never actually worked IT, for that matter. Everyone in IT has at least one story that's crazier than that weak poo poo and actually happened, like when I had to submit a request to unblock certain porn sites so an attorney's assistant could get evidence for a client's infringement suit. Yeah, nothing simultaneously makes your day and worries you for your job like sending a request to the admin team asking them to unblock "Double Stuffed Bitches" and "Sluts Gag On Cock" or whatever. Compared to that, "I haxx0red the firewall to play Pokemon and 'download Adobe Reader' (I don't care if it's not slang, it is now)" just sounds like someone who thinks the real poo poo is "too unbelievable" and makes up actual unbelievable poo poo (who lets a phone jockey anywhere near server hardware?)

goddamnedtwisto posted:

Shopping trolleys are actually surprisingly hard to tip over considering how high their CoG is

Not to mention that Asda specifically ban trolleys from the self service lanes (apart from a couple of large ones that have self-service trolley lanes, and even they will always have manned lines too)

As always with STDH I apply Sean Lock's National Exaggeration Index* to get the real story - "I was in Asda and there was a long queue at the manned till, I tried to get the poor overworked bugger at the fast lane to scan all my stuff for me and he said no, I sulked and fumed in the line and fantasised about tipping my trolley over".

*Sean Lock is a standup comedian who should be the patron saint of this thread, particularly for the National Exaggeration Index bit he used to do (which, criminally, I can't find on YouTube). He said that like inflation and unemployment, the Government should publish a figure of how much people are inflating their anecdotes by. So for example when you're told "Well, I picked up a lot of bad habits in prison", you apply the NEI of 17% to get the real story - "When I was doing Community Service, sometimes I didn't wash my brushes at the end of the day".

Paladinus posted:

They couldn't even come up with something like in Taken. This is pathetic.

Postal Parcel posted:

So a guy is going to slit the wrists of that person? Why in the world would they go for the wrists?

Trebek posted:

Cool fantasy about choking your boss and getting promoted.

Non Serviam posted:

I think there's a moral obligation on people to help people with disabilities WHO NEED HELP. To just go up to them and treat them as incapable babies is incredibly rude.

Tendai posted:

This is true for just about any obvious disability. I'm a dwarf and I've had to tell people to back off and if I need help I'll ask it, in places like supermarkets and poo poo where people were just following me around hovering. It's loving bizarre.

Tunicate posted:

We got our yearbooks after graduation.

So no time to sign them.

My school did not have its poo poo together.

Desert Bus posted:

Grooming The Situation
home | NY, USA | Best Friends, Family & Kids, Spouses & Partners

(My best friend is twenty years older than I, but still very active and a lot of fun. When he asks me to be the best man at his wedding, of course I accept, and I already have a date with my girlfriend that evening when I plan to tell her the good news. But before I can speak:)

Girlfriend: “What are you doing on [date of the wedding]?”

Me: *surprised* “Well, to be honest I’m going to be the best man at a friend’s wedding!”

Girlfriend: “Crap. That was supposed to be a rhetorical question for you to say ‘nothing’ to. You can’t already be booked that far ahead! My father’s getting married that day!”

(My girlfriend only met her father for the first time recently, after she was already an adult, and they’re both trying very hard to form a relationship together. I support her fully in this, so I don’t want her to blow off her father’s wedding for my friend she’s never met.)

Me: “Well, your father doesn’t know me; maybe his wedding is going to be too emotionally charged to be the right time to introduce us? I mean, I’m not abandoning you. If you want me there I can call [Friend] and cancel.”

Girlfriend: “…[Friend]?”

Me: “Yeah, why?”

Girlfriend: “[Friend] [Friend’s last name]?”

Me: “Okay, what the h***?”

(She pulls out her cell phone and hits speed-dial, holding it between us so we can both hear.)

Girlfriend: “Daddy? What’s your best man’s name?”

Voice Over The Phone: “His name’s [My Name], pumpkin. He’s really nice; I promise you’ll like him.”

Girlfriend: “I already do.”

Me: “[Friend]?”

Voice Over The Phone: “[My Name]?”

Me: “HOW DID WE NOT KNOW THIS?!”

ibntumart posted:

If I were her neighbor, that would make me angry as I watched her lovely Crayola cosplay house go up and property values go down. But I live in California, so I need never worry about being able to own a house in the first place.

A Fancy 400 lbs posted:

They had to be pressured for MONTHS to pull a campaign for a group that sold bleach enemas as a cure for autism. So yeah, more or less.

Avenging_Mikon posted:

The saddest boobs.

divabot posted:

The Financial Times has a blogger who's meeeean to Bitcoin.


Because people spend $300 a year for an online subscription to FT purely for entertainment, and not for anything related to their jobs.

quote:

FT is basically a tabloid for people who want to fancy themselves as investors.

Thin Privilege posted:

That reminds me of this Noble Savage story that's still somehow being spread around and believed

Verisimilidude posted:

GAINING WEIGHT... posted:

WHAT THE gently caress KIND OF FACE IS HE MAKING

reformed bad troll posted:

Who the gently caress do you think you are talking too?

Big Grunty Secret posted:

Actually it's ah-nah-ma

Your Computer posted:

<stdh.bullshit>
and honestly it was a drop in situational awareness.
<stdh.bullshit>

ibntumart posted:

I thought Less Wrong sounded familiar and then I remembered why. They're the dummies wetting their beds about the Basilisk.

RabbitWizard posted:

Outran a car on a bike? Must the same person as in this one:

effervescible posted:

I think I posted it the first time this came around, but my favorite part is that even taking red at face value, they apparently just got up, ran incredibly fast for no particular reason, and sat down again. There's not even the slightest pretense of having started a new fitness regimen or something. They just felt like running once, very fast, and then stopping for good.

EZipperelli posted:

I wish I would have thought of this when I was bartending. loving genius.

My Lovely Horse posted:

I could just about see someone being amused enough by a silly application to knock out a silly reply in five minutes. But probably not Mary Curnock Cook OBE or anyone with the power to attach her signature. Also you'd have to be new and would probably be told not to do it again, because they must get hundreds of applications that are somehow unsuitable.

Barbie Letter posted:

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078


Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:

• The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
  
• The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
  
• The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
  
  • The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
    
  • Clams don't have teeth.
    

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

EmmyOk posted:

People should just accept the gays and stop being so black about it.

Khazar-khum posted:

This beauty was on Jezebel, so you know what it's gonna have, right? Yep. STDH. What's the most STDH here?

oldpainless posted:

One time I was babysitting a 9 month old and I went into the kitchen and came out and wasn't watching what I was doing and i stepped on the baby but by the time I realized I was stepping on the baby it was already too late.

I'm sorry baby

ibntumart posted:

EmmyOk posted:

hallo spacedog posted:

I think she means one of those Chinese style meat cleavers, and instead of stab, means her mom slammed it down so it lodged in the cutting board? Still stupid though.

Leninboarrir posted:

OH THOSE YOUNG PERSONS

Nouvelle Vague posted:

hosed up if true.

Tunahead posted:

The story clearly and consistently said "disks", not "discs". This means diskettes, which are not an optical disc medium and don't go in retractable drives.

I think your assertion that you have worked tech support for a long time is the true STDH here.

Mazzletoff posted:

So, I lurk /v/ a good amount because every now and then, for a briefly glorious moment, there's good discussion. Recently, there's been a guy going around who claims to have Dishonored 2 info. His posts always open with:


But, honestly, nobody cares about that. People read this motherfucker (his username is equally amazing) because there is no one, in the world, who is this delusional.


This is his third post in the thread. And yes, he is 100% serious.


It's pretty amazing, so you should read all of his posts because they're all like this. That's like, the first five or six in a thread with about 150.


Follow the adventures of !TpifAK1n8E here.

Vindolanda posted:

Braces

bringmyfishback posted:

helpmeat


Of all the things that didn't happen...this loving one:

Catnipped posted:

I think it's definitely one, tbh. Here's a catalog of other claims from the same person, from this year:

Shot themselves in the head & Heartattack- Sept 24th
Brain Tumor with 2 months to live - Sept 17th
Voice Box Removed - Aug 20th
Lung Cancer - Aug 14th
Kidney Transplant - July 20th
Heartattack & Broke Arm and Leg - July 18th
Get into Car Accident - July 16th
Broke Thumb - June 24th
Surgery for ?? - June 9th
Sick in Hospital - June 2nd