Bad Ideas, Worse Ideas, and Football Toxxes 2014

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windshipper: Jun 19, 2006; Dr. Whet Faartz would like to know if this smells funny to you?

We have begun the 2014 football season and everyone has hopes and dreams about their own teams. It's time to live up to those hopes and dreams and show your faith in your own team, hatred of other teams, or simple self-hatred and desire for public embarrassment. It's time for that much loved and sometimes bemoaned tradition of donating to charity or making yourself do stupid things for the enjoyment of others.

It's time for the 2014 TFF Toxx Clause Thread. :toxx:

Right now, the Lions looked like they were on a solid path to winning the NFC North (maybe) but this happened to their linebacker corp:

This is not mentioning that they're on their 300th nickelback as well. The good news is that the Bears are still dealing with things like this:

and the Packers are having quite a few troubles of their own.

The Raiders had some hope... But things like this still happen:

There's far more, but every team has its chance every week and every fan has his hopes dashed at some point. Are you willing to bet on your own team? Now's the time to do it.

I'll break this OP up into sections (adding new ones as needed and adding in everyone's :toxx:

as the season goes along).

Charity donations

A large part of this thread usually ends up involving donations to charity based on certain goals met by your team or your team's opponent/rival that week. I tried looking up the old Toxx Clause thread for a list of some charities that people donated to (that were bona fide good charities), but I was unable to find it. If someone finds it or has a list of solid charities that they themselves donate to or know about, I will add that section in here.

List of Possible Charities
https://www.braintrauma.org/ - The Brain Trauma Foundation

Personal Humiliation, Conversion and Dumb Ideas

I'll begin this section with myself and my own dumb idea:

windshipper posted:

IEither way, Parm needs to put his money where his mouth is or shut up about a decent (not great, but not terrible) quarterback that more than a few teams in the league would like to have.

And if he shuts up about the chiefs GM until training camp AS WELL AS Alex Smith, I'll make it 6-8 sentences per post in the aftermath thread where I will describe how both Alex Smith and Whatshisface (John Dorsey iirc?) contributed to the loss.

Edit, and to clarify, it will obviously start with the games on this coming weekend. If Patriots win, I will purchase NFL game rewind by the following Sunday and have a post in the aftermath thread describing how Alex Smith contributed to the loss, etc. Rinse and repeat for the rest of the chiefs games this season (post will be made before kickoff of the next chiefs game).

Parmesan Basil posted:

It's a deal. Chiefs won't win and you'll see exactly why.

This is also a deal. I have no doubts in my mind that a loss will be the direct result of a Smith weakness, just like in the Denver game. It could also come down to a bad Dorsey decision (cutting up the O-line, no receivers, no corners, etc.). Also, if you are really committed, I could recommend some games from last year that Smith either lost or nearly made a loss, but I understand if you don't want to do that. It's not exactly fun or worthwhile to go that far back.

I hereby pledge to stop posting about Smith and Dorsey if I lost this bet. accepted.

I'll leave it up to Wheez to clarify if this is a :toxx:

or not:

wheez the roux posted:

if we're toxxing, i'll undergo baptism if russell wilson leads us to another super bowl victory

HOTLANTA MAN posted:

If Georgia secures a playoff spot this season I will get a tattoo of the Georgia G on my right rear end cheek and document it by way of pics.

Toaster Beef posted:

The Philadelphia Eagles have only scored 27 first-half points in their first three games, with 74 second-half points. They have done this on the way to becoming the first team in NFL history to overcome deficits of 10 or more points in each win of a 3-0 start.

This trend may very well continue, as the Eagles are traveling out west to meet a San Francisco 49ers team which has scored 59 first-half points in their first three games � and just 3 second-half points.

This takes me to the :

If the Eagles beat the 49ers by overcoming a deficit of 10 or more points, thus propelling themselves to 4-0, I will post exclusively in limerick form until they suffer their first loss.

old dog child posted:

Okay, I'm a Broncos fan so I hope this is reasonable:

If the Broncos lose any games to the Chargers this season, I will recreate the Hans Moleman classic "Man getting hit by football" while wearing a Broncos jersey. The football shall be thrown at an incredible velocity and I cannot wear a cup.

e: I originally had this as me wearing a Rivers jersey (that I'd have to buy) but I actually don't have the money to do that so I tweaked to be more painful

Chilichimp posted:

If Hageman gets 5 sacks in 2014, I will buy his loving Jersey.

If he gets 10, I'm buying one for Shath Hole too.

Stupid AND Charitable!

GNU Order posted:

If the Bears win our stupid lovely division I'm going to take the Brandon Marshall Accidental Domestic Abuser Challenge. I'll begin by donating $50 to his foundation, or a local Chicago battered wife shelter or something, then I'll pour a bag of McDonalds food on my head and nominate three posters to do the same

The food is meant to simulate how hard it is to avoid hitting a loved one when you're coated in fast food grease and there's Mcdonalds all over the place which can very easily be slipped on

computer parts posted:

If the Browns are at least 4-4 by the end of the Bucs game I will buy a Browns Jersey of my choosing and wear it to every football game I attend/watch until at least the end of this season.

If Manziel starts during any of the games this season (and wins) I'll also donate to the Brain Trauma Foundation charity linked in the OP.

There we have it folks... Lay down your bets and throw yourself at the mercy of the Football Gods. In the end, who gives a gently caress? We're all going to drink ourselves into oblivion anyways.

Put your money where your mouth is about your team. If you think they're hot poo poo, now's the time to show it. If you think they're nothing but a steaming pile of poo poo... Show it.

:toxx:

Edit: I am also more than willing to open this up to NCAA football toxx clauses as well. This thread is for all football fans.

windshipper fucked around with this message at 05:51 on Sep 26, 2014

# ? Sep 25, 2014 00:33

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# ? May 5, 2024 14:50

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

All I really ask for is that don't toxx yourself to lick your own poo poo you loving goons

# ? Sep 25, 2014 01:02

HOTLANTA MAN: Jul 4, 2010; by Hand Knit; Lipstick Apathy

If Georgia secures a playoff spot this season I will get a tattoo of the Georgia G on my right rear end cheek and document it by way of pics.

# ? Sep 25, 2014 01:11

Parmesan Basil: Nov 12, 2008; TIME IS THE FIRE IN WHICH WE BURN THE GAME CLOCK

HOTLANTA MAN posted:

If Georgia secures a playoff spot this season I will get a tattoo of the Georgia G on my right rear end cheek and document it by way of pics.

No thanks

# ? Sep 25, 2014 02:13

Chichevache: Feb 17, 2010; One of the funniest posters in GIP.

Just not intentionally.

HOTLANTA MAN posted:

If Georgia secures a playoff spot this season I will get a tattoo of the Georgia G on my right rear end cheek and document it by way of pics.

Why not make a plausible toxx?

# ? Sep 25, 2014 03:00

swickles: Aug 21, 2006; I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just some QB that I used to know

If you want a good related charity to donate to in your toxx, I high recommend The Brain Trauma Foundation. https://www.braintrauma.org/

Otherwise contact me directly and I can let you know about specific projects if you are that interested.

# ? Sep 25, 2014 06:14

GNU Order: Feb 28, 2011; That's a paddlin'

If the Bears win our stupid lovely division I'm going to take the Brandon Marshall Accidental Domestic Abuser Challenge. I'll begin by donating $50 to his foundation, or a local Chicago battered wife shelter or something, then I'll pour a bag of McDonalds food on my head and nominate three posters to do the same

The food is meant to simulate how hard it is to avoid hitting a loved one when you're coated in fast food grease and there's Mcdonalds all over the place which can very easily be slipped on

# ? Sep 25, 2014 13:34

Chilichimp: Oct 24, 2006; TIE Adv xWampa

It wamp, and it stomp; Grimey Drawer

Chilichimp posted:

If Hageman gets 5 sacks in 2014, I will buy his loving Jersey.

If he gets 10, I'm buying one for Shath Hole too.

Shath Hole posted:

Wooooooo! that mother fucker!

# ? Sep 25, 2014 14:20

Top Hats Monthly: Jun 22, 2011; People are people so why should it be, that you and I should get along so awfully blink blink recall STOP IT YOU POSH LITTLE SHIT

If the Packers beat the Bears by +14 on Sunday, I will write three paragraphs about Aaron Rogers facial hair

E: Not extreme at all but gotta make sure Aaron doesn't start losing because Olivia Munn made him straight

# ? Sep 25, 2014 14:49

HOTLANTA MAN: Jul 4, 2010; by Hand Knit; Lipstick Apathy

Chichevache posted:

Why not make a plausible toxx?

shut the gently caress up chiche

# ? Sep 25, 2014 23:08

Toaster Beef: Jan 23, 2007; that's not nature's way

The Philadelphia Eagles have only scored 27 first-half points in their first three games, with 74 second-half points. They have done this on the way to becoming the first team in NFL history to overcome deficits of 10 or more points in each win of a 3-0 start.

This trend may very well continue, as the Eagles are traveling out west to meet a San Francisco 49ers team which has scored 59 first-half points in their first three games � and just 3 second-half points.

This takes me to the :toxx:

:

If the Eagles beat the 49ers by overcoming a deficit of 10 or more points, thus propelling themselves to 4-0, I will post exclusively in limerick form until they suffer their first loss.

# ? Sep 26, 2014 00:27

The Puppy Bowl: Jan 31, 2013; A dog, in the house.

*woof*

That ^ gentlemen, is how you :toxx:

# ? Sep 26, 2014 00:32

3 DONG HORSE: May 22, 2008; Can't post for 18 hours!

Okay, I'm a Broncos fan so I hope this :toxx:

is reasonable:

If the Broncos lose any games to the Chargers this season, I will recreate the Hans Moleman classic "Man getting hit by football" while wearing a Broncos jersey. The football shall be thrown at an incredible velocity and I cannot wear a cup.

e: I originally had this as me wearing a Rivers jersey (that I'd have to buy) but I actually don't have the money to do that so I tweaked to be more painful

3 DONG HORSE fucked around with this message at 01:09 on Sep 26, 2014

# ? Sep 26, 2014 01:06

computer parts: Nov 18, 2010; PLEASE CLAP

If the Browns are at least 4-4 by the end of the Bucs game I will buy a Browns Jersey of my choosing and wear it to every football game I attend/watch until at least the end of this season.

If Manziel starts during any of the games this season (and wins) I'll also donate :10bux:

to the Brain Trauma Foundation charity linked in the OP.

# ? Sep 26, 2014 01:12

windshipper: Jun 19, 2006; Dr. Whet Faartz would like to know if this smells funny to you?

I feel that this thread is off to a strong start.

If I've missed anything or if you feel I've miscategorized any Toxxes, please let me know.

# ? Sep 26, 2014 05:53

Chilichimp: Oct 24, 2006; TIE Adv xWampa

It wamp, and it stomp; Grimey Drawer

You should break them up by time, so weekly toxx's and season-long toxx's.

# ? Sep 26, 2014 11:48

Quiet Feet: Dec 14, 2009; THE HELL IS WITH THIS ASS!?

Toaster Beef posted:

The Philadelphia Eagles have only scored 27 first-half points in their first three games, with 74 second-half points. They have done this on the way to becoming the first team in NFL history to overcome deficits of 10 or more points in each win of a 3-0 start.

This trend may very well continue, as the Eagles are traveling out west to meet a San Francisco 49ers team which has scored 59 first-half points in their first three games � and just 3 second-half points.

This takes me to the :

If the Eagles beat the 49ers by overcoming a deficit of 10 or more points, thus propelling themselves to 4-0, I will post exclusively in limerick form until they suffer their first loss.

You'll really post limericks until 2017? :confused:

# ? Sep 26, 2014 13:19

Toaster Beef: Jan 23, 2007; that's not nature's way

Quiet Feet posted:

You'll really post limericks until 2017?

We can only hope.

# ? Sep 26, 2014 13:58

Thaddius the Large: Jul 5, 2006; It's in the five-hole!

If the Vikings finish at least 8-8, I'll recreate Teddy Bridgewater's drag photos, and post them to preserve for posterity/Internet shame at my lack of faith in my team/to be unexpectedly resurrected on a hard drive 10 years from now for awkward conversational topics with my daughter.

:toxx:

So that this isn't completely self-indulgent, for every touchdown Adrian Peterson scores this season in a Vikings uniform from today on, I'll donate $5 to RAINN (I know it's not directly related to his offenses, but I like that charity a lot).

:toxx:

# ? Sep 26, 2014 16:53

Qwijib0: Apr 10, 2007; Who needs on-field skills when you can dance like this?; Fun Shoe

Benne posted:

All I really ask for is that don't toxx yourself to lick your own poo poo you loving goons

rooting for poop is a GDT tradition.

# ? Sep 26, 2014 18:11

Dubious: Mar 7, 2006; The Heroes the Vikings Deserve; Lipstick Apathy

last time I toxxed myself the Vikings let the Cowboys come back and win in the 4th and I now own a Ponder jersey.

I shoulda took that ban

# ? Sep 26, 2014 18:16

ZenVulgarity: Oct 9, 2012; I made the hat by transforming my zen

Dubious posted:

last time I toxxed myself the Vikings let the Cowboys come back and win in the 4th and I now own a Ponder jersey.

I shoulda took that ban

Are you saying you're

Pondering

Whether that was smart?

# ? Sep 26, 2014 18:19

Fenrir: Apr 26, 2005; I found my kendo stick, bitch!; Lipstick Apathy

I posted one but I can't find it now... either way,

If the Bears sweep the Packers I'll let the Bears fans figure out some av/text/even username combo for me that I have to stick with until the start of the 2015 season :toxx:

# ? Sep 27, 2014 05:05

Cozz: Jun 19, 2005; Perhaps you need to... reverse... his polarity? Hack? Do some hacking?

Fenrir posted:

I posted one but I can't find it now... either way,

If the Bears sweep the Packers I'll let the Bears fans figure out some av/text/even username combo for me that I have to stick with until the start of the 2015 season

It was in the 2014 NFL predictions thread, with another Toxx in another post: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3619325&userid=77982

# ? Sep 27, 2014 05:29

Sour Diesel: Jan 30, 2010

Qwijib0 posted:

rooting for poop is a GDT tradition.

I still think it's hilarious that after Cutler and Rodgers both went down, The poo poo Guy stood tall with complete faith that the Lions would still somehow gently caress it up and not win the division that was being gifted to them.

# ? Sep 27, 2014 08:22

Fenrir: Apr 26, 2005; I found my kendo stick, bitch!; Lipstick Apathy

Cozz posted:

It was in the 2014 NFL predictions thread, with another Toxx in another post: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3619325&userid=77982

Ahh cool, thanks! I was looking for that other one too.

My weak rear end annual charity toxx because I'm kinda broke these days:

Fenrir posted:

You know what, gently caress it, let's go.

If I had more money I'd put more up for this but I'm pretty poor so yeah - $1 for each game I get wrong goes to the charity of choice for the first person who calls me out on this poo poo after the season ends. If the Packers win the Super Bowl I'll double it, I'll find a way even if I have to sell something.

W1: @Seahawks - W, The Seahawks don't scare me with these new rules, they can't mug everyone anymore
W2: Jets - W, lol
W3: @Lions - L, gently caress the Lions scare me. They are the most dangerous team in this division other than us now
W4: @Bears - L, and seriously gently caress the Bears I hope I'm wrong on this one
W5: Vikings - W, lol
W6: @Dolphins - W, I still don't believe the Dolphins are very good
W7: Panthers - W, they are gonna regress from last year
W8: @Saints - L, I just hope they don't beat us by 30

W10: Bears - W, I don't think they can win in Lambeau
W11: Eagles - W, Not in Lambeau, probably not even in Philly
W12: @Vikings - W, It's still the Vikings.
W13: Patriots - W, REVENGE FOR 2010, Hopefully this time Rodgers is on the field
W14: Falcons - W, haha seriously
W15: @Bills - W, it's the Bills
W16: @Bucs - L, because it's Lovie loving Smith and this totally looks like a trap game
W17: Lions - W, gently caress you, you're not sweeping us

12-4 if Rodgers doesn't die. 11-5 if something goes wrong. 7-9 or some other bullshit if something horrible happens. Go Pack Go.

# ? Sep 27, 2014 08:44

Intruder: Mar 5, 2003

If Ryan Mallett starts 8 or more games and the Texans win 4 or more of those starts, I will buy a Mallett jersey if he resigns with the Texans or donate to a meth treatment center the amount that the jersey would cost if he walks via FA

e: yes I am intentionally structuring it so he doesn't have to go .500 if he starts, say, 10 games

Intruder fucked around with this message at 09:17 on Sep 27, 2014

# ? Sep 27, 2014 08:52

wheez the roux: Aug 2, 2004; THEY SHOULD'VE GIVEN IT TO LYNCH

Death to the Seahawks. Death to Seahawks posters.

you missed my full toxx i posted after the baptism

wheez the roux posted:

to make me hate myself less for that toxx i'll also donate $100 each to seattle children's hospital, children's home, and children's alliance in the event we win the super bowl

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kWvlglt5b0&t=23s

also I'll add that if we lose a playoff game, the supporters here for whichever team eliminated us can pick a charity for me to donate $100

wheez the roux fucked around with this message at 10:16 on Sep 27, 2014

# ? Sep 27, 2014 10:12

windshipper: Jun 19, 2006; Dr. Whet Faartz would like to know if this smells funny to you?

Just got back from a long day and it will be another long one tomorrow. I'll clean up the OP and add in the new toxxes tomorrow night or Monday.

# ? Sep 28, 2014 02:40

Fenrir: Apr 26, 2005; I found my kendo stick, bitch!; Lipstick Apathy

Fenrir posted:

I posted one but I can't find it now... either way,

If the Bears sweep the Packers I'll let the Bears fans figure out some av/text/even username combo for me that I have to stick with until the start of the 2015 season

Welp, that's over now.

Honestly I thought the Packers might lose today... not enough to pick the Bears in pick'em, but I was nervous. Of course, I'm certainly not complaining :smug:

# ? Sep 28, 2014 21:10

Eifert Posting: Apr 1, 2007; Most of the time he catches it every time.; Grimey Drawer

I have two standing and one already avoided:

Standing:
If the Bengals are undefeated when I quit my current teaching gig in Korea (12/8) I'll teach one of my classes the Bengals fight song and youtube it. If I can't fulfill that I'll donate 50$ to a player charity.

Standing:
If the Bengals win the Superbowl I will never post anything negative about football ever again on SA, barring a potential Bengals move from Cincinnati.

Thank you Titans: (offseason)
If the Bengals are swept by the AFC:S I will tattoo Gabbert's face in a private location.

:toxx:

# ? Sep 29, 2014 08:19

Intruder: Mar 5, 2003

Eifert Posting posted:

Thank you Titans: (offseason)
If the Bengals are swept by the AFC:S I will tattoo Gabbert's face in a private location.

This is unlikelier than any of the "If Tebow takes the Broncos to the Superbowl" toxxes from a few years back

# ? Sep 29, 2014 17:33

Eifert Posting: Apr 1, 2007; Most of the time he catches it every time.; Grimey Drawer

Yeah I know but some AFC:S fans were talking poo poo over the offseason.

# ? Sep 30, 2014 00:20

HappyHelmet: Apr 9, 2003; Hail to the king baby!; Grimey Drawer

quote:

windshipper posted:
IEither way, Parm needs to put his money where his mouth is or shut up about a decent (not great, but not terrible) quarterback that more than a few teams in the league would like to have.

And if he shuts up about the chiefs GM until training camp AS WELL AS Alex Smith, I'll make it 6-8 sentences per post in the aftermath thread where I will describe how both Alex Smith and Whatshisface (John Dorsey iirc?) contributed to the loss.

Edit, and to clarify, it will obviously start with the games on this coming weekend. If Patriots win, I will purchase NFL game rewind by the following Sunday and have a post in the aftermath thread describing how Alex Smith contributed to the loss, etc. Rinse and repeat for the rest of the chiefs games this season (post will be made before kickoff of the next chiefs game).

quote:

Parmesan Basil posted:
It's a deal. Chiefs won't win and you'll see exactly why.

This is also a deal. I have no doubts in my mind that a loss will be the direct result of a Smith weakness, just like in the Denver game. It could also come down to a bad Dorsey decision (cutting up the O-line, no receivers, no corners, etc.). Also, if you are really committed, I could recommend some games from last year that Smith either lost or nearly made a loss, but I understand if you don't want to do that. It's not exactly fun or worthwhile to go that far back.

I hereby pledge to stop posting about Smith and Dorsey if I lost this bet. accepted.

Oh god, it's actually happening. Keep it up KC!

# ? Sep 30, 2014 03:25

Amy Pole Her: Jun 17, 2002

Yup. The shtick is dead.

# ? Sep 30, 2014 04:16

Hot Diggity!: Apr 3, 2010; SKELITON_BRINGING_U_ON.GIF

God Is Good.

# ? Sep 30, 2014 04:22

Vincent Van Goatse: Nov 8, 2006; Enjoy every sandwich.; Smellrose

All praise to Alex Smith.

# ? Sep 30, 2014 04:22

Pron on VHS: Nov 14, 2005; Blood Clots
Sweat Dries
Bones Heal
Suck it Up and Keep Wrestling

So parm not only can you not rant against him but you can't post passive-aggressive shots like "Bowe was WIDE OPEN" anytime Smith completes a pass. you do this a lot, it's part of the toxx that you can't

# ? Sep 30, 2014 04:24

HappyHelmet: Apr 9, 2003; Hail to the king baby!; Grimey Drawer

ALL-PRO SEXMAN posted:

All praise to Alex Smith.

# ? Sep 30, 2014 04:24

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# ? May 5, 2024 14:50

Chichevache: Feb 17, 2010; One of the funniest posters in GIP.

Just not intentionally.

I think the Chiefs deserve a CELEBRATION STATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

# ? Sep 30, 2014 04:26

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Football Funhouse > Bad Ideas, Worse Ideas, and Football Toxxes 2014

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