We love the StarWars EU this much *outstretched arms nailed to Luu'uks X-Wing*

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > We love the StarWars EU this much *outstretched arms nailed to Luu'uks X-Wing*

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

MechaStalin posted:

I remember reading one of those X-Wing books as a teenager and there was an honest to god furry sex scene in it. Really made we wonder what I got myself into.

Uuuh there's no sex scenes in the books I think that was just you being a horny teen.

# ¿ Nov 24, 2014 09:56

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# ¿ May 15, 2024 22:14

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

The x-wing books were okay especially the ones by Aaron Allston. I think it was because Lucas didn't really care that much about them so they were allowed go their own way. Mike Stackpol, the other author, also wrote I, Jedi which was supposed to 'fix' KJA's trilogy but was really Clash of the Mary Sues. Still, it was funny reading Corran ripping Luke a new one for allowing an emotionally damaged teenager anywhere near the ghost of a dead Sithlord and the Mary Sue ship.

# ¿ Nov 24, 2014 18:18

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

I think the worst thing about the EU is that I remember so much of it. Especially the stories about the Solo kids. I think all three had been kidnapped or threatened with kidnapping at least five or six times during their childhood. That seems like bad parenting to me.

Thank God I bailed when the Vong thing happened and started reading better books.

# ¿ Nov 25, 2014 03:10

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

Blistex posted:

That loving Jedi droid has convinced me that there is no limit to EU content. What other inconceivable poo poo is out there?

Is there a "Post Padme" Vader love story?
Does Leia kill an Emperor clone?
Does Lando ever weild a lighsabre?
Are Star Destroyers post Endore avaliable on the black market?
Is there a third Death Star?
Does IG-88 ever drive around in an AT-ST?
Do Ewoks ever engage in space travel?
Does C3P0 have a love interest?

Vader never falls in love with anyone else thank god

There is an emperor clone but I can't remember what happened to him.

Yeah. I think.

In the X-wing books a smuggler captures a Star Destroyer & by the rules of the New Republic gets to keep it (after it got mostly disarmed down to what would be okay for a civilian vessel that size) he paints it red and turns it into a massive mobile trading post/casino. So kinda? Also a lot of the Star Destroyer captains & crew became mercenaries or warlords after the empire fell.

No idea

Yub yub Commander (at least one does)

Probably.

# ¿ Nov 25, 2014 04:24

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

Snowglobe of Doom posted:

Jesus Christ I thought Applewhite was making that up but there we go.

Half the time in this thread I can't tell if people are just making up the dumbest poo poo they can think of or whether they're accurately reporting on genuine EU content.

It's genuine EU content. No one is making anything up.

# ¿ Nov 25, 2014 05:43

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

Blistex posted:

The Vader love interest and IG-88 driving an Imperial walker were the only ones that didn't happen. How about...

There is a planet of Sith just chilling out during all the movies, then they decide to stir poo poo up.

This happens multiple times.

quote:

Darth Vader is cloned and for some inexplicable (yet eye-rolling) reason appears in his suit.

http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Darth_Vader_(clone)

quote:

At some point before 0 ABY, Darth Vader visited ancient Jedi ruins on Dantooine which housed an active, yet unmanned, cloning facility. He was ambushed by security turrets and his squad was all killed. Vader was injured during this visit and some of his blood was left in the facility.

Believing that they were properly executing their programming, the experimental cloning droids running the facility created a clone of Vader using this sample. The droids then applied a mysterious technique (used with all of the facility's clones) in which they imprinted the clone with Vader's personality (from mental imprints left by the original host).

However, as with the other clones from the facility, this process was faulty and left the clone with only partial mental functioning and personality synchronization. This notion seems to explain why the clone was unable to utilize the full Force potential of its presumably uninjured, four-limbed body in its later fight against the real Darth Vader, who had not held such a physical state since before his fateful duel with Count Dooku in 22 BBY.

Despite apparently not requiring armor similar to Vader's, the clone was dressed in a costume accurately reflecting the detail, but without the functionality of Darth Vader's armor. Tash Arranda deduced that it had been constructed from scrap lying around the abandoned Rebel base on Dantooine. The clone Vader also had a lightsaber, however, like the armor it was merely an imitation, producing a fake blade that simply passed through objects without inflicting any damage.

Darth Vader returned to the facility in 0 ABY, soon after Tash Arranda, Zak Arranda, and Mammon Hoole visited there. Vader slew his clone in battle and briefly contemplated its nature before departing the facility.

So yeah

quote:

The Empire (post Endor) decides that "insert mythical item" will restore them to power instead of the shitload of ships and men they still have at their disposal.

Again, this happens multiple times, although sometimes it's a person not an object.

# ¿ Nov 25, 2014 07:44

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

remember that species in crystal star that look exactly like humans except they're see-through and if they had sex with a human it would kill them, but despite knowing this a lot of them still want to have sex with humans

# ¿ Nov 25, 2014 22:58

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

Fetus Tree posted:

i dont think youre remembering just about any of the details of that properly

Well I only read it once when I was 12 so you might be right

# ¿ Nov 26, 2014 00:20

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

icantfindaname posted:

this seems to be a common thread among people who like star wars

It's all fond childhood memories.

That said, absolutely no one of any age liked Crystal Star.

# ¿ Nov 26, 2014 01:30

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

gohuskies posted:

He was way more 80s than Han Solo though:

Also his second-in-command was Mara Jade who of course later got married to Luke.

Even better, Mara Jade was the Emperor's private assassin and of course was Force-trained but hadn't completely gone over to the dark side for Reasons. She started out trying to kill Luke but of course he turns her and eventually they get married and have kids.

# ¿ Nov 26, 2014 01:42

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

In one of the Jedi Academy books the kids get captured by a Tie fighter pilot who'd been shot down at the end of the first movie & had been surviving in the jungle for the last ten or fifteen years like one of those Japanese soldiers in WWII.

# ¿ Nov 26, 2014 07:09

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

ZombyDog posted:

I remember when my love of Star Wars died. It was 1996, I had just read about how Corran Horn found his father's light sabre on Coruscant. I put that book down ( I don't even remember the title ) and that was it, I was done.

And that book was still better than about 80% of the rest of the EU. ~~the x-wing books by Aaron Allston were much better~~

# ¿ Nov 27, 2014 07:08

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

FirstPersonShitter posted:

didnt they have a thing where some guy made a giant like lightsaber in space that was 100x better than the death star?

The Sun Crusher? That wasn't a light saber but it was a really stupid Mary Sue ship.

# ¿ Nov 27, 2014 20:29

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

Star Wars at its very best is nothing more than enjoyable mindcandy.

# ¿ Nov 29, 2014 22:52

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

I think the saddest thing is the multi paragraph essay in Wookipedia on a stuffed toy ewok used as a practical joke in one of the books.

http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Kettch

# ¿ Dec 1, 2014 04:32

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

TOILETLORD posted:

wait i'm just checking everyone knows i made that poo poo up about vader right? The EU is so dumb that poo poo sounded plausible.

Even if you think you made it up it still probably happened.

# ¿ Dec 4, 2014 07:01

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

ThePutty posted:

can someone explain the u-tsang vong for me or whatever the gently caress they're called because they seem really stupid and nobody has really gone into why

They basically prove that the Force, instead of being a unifying, uh, force, of the universe is instead just an artifact of that galaxy. The Vong are from outside the Galaxy so they aren't affected by the Force. They also think non living machines are evil and use nothing but biological things which would be okay, I guess, if it wasn't so stupid. Also they torture the gently caress out of each other and everyone else to the point that it was ridiculous torture porn. I'm vaguely remembering like three books here because I gave up not far into the Vong invasion due to the fax tat the only way to keep up with the plot was to follow a bunch of characters I didn't give a poo poo about.

# ¿ Dec 4, 2014 07:32

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

I just stick with the X-wing books because I like fighter pilots and astronauts and X-wing fighters are basically both.

my favorite bit is when Piggy (a Gamorean pilot) captures a mini imperial corvette with a jury rigged one use missile/spaceship + the cannon of an X-wing that they altered to make it into a big-rear end handheld riffle. The 'ship' (made from a smuggler's compartment) shot into the corvette's open cargo bay door and Piggy exited and took the whole ship hostage with the cannon after frying the captain. Seriously badass imo

# ¿ Dec 6, 2014 04:09

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

TheSpiritFox posted:

Great action can be found in many books but the Wraith Squadron series was to my knowledge the first Star Wars series written by someone with an actual sense of humor, and that poo poo was a first for the entire saga movies included.

Which made the sad parts where someone died or was traumatized genuinely touching. Ton Phanon's death affected me more than Chewy's because his relationship with Face felt much more real than whatever was going on with that dumb moon.

# ¿ Dec 6, 2014 05:26

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

shiksa posted:

heres a drawing of princess leia kicking something called prince xixor in the dick

i believe this is the only part of the eu that is still canon

Prince Xixor was the head of Black Sun, the biggest organized crime corporation in the galaxy. Naturally Emperor Palpatine liked him & Black Sun a lot and for awhile Xixor and Vader vied for his affections until Vader managed to destroy him. Im sure there's a novel-length essay on Wookipedia about him and another one about Black Sun.

# ¿ Dec 10, 2014 21:27

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

pentyne posted:

The absolute best part was that Xizor was described as "physical perfection" as far as his body went, and was so bored by working out or training he had a special room where he could sit at a computer and force fields would exercise his muscles so he could maintain peak physical condition without having to do anything.

Star Wars EU knew their fanbase even in the 90s and blatantly catered towards them.

SaltLick posted:

the best part about shadows of the empire was xizors sex robot

# ¿ Dec 11, 2014 01:32

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

I'm at that part in Solo Command where Wedge Antilles and Wes Jansen strip naked and smear each other with Ewok food.

# ¿ Dec 14, 2014 06:09

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

Arcsquad12 posted:

Actually, yes. I'm pretty sure the book did mention him getting a rash or something of the sort.
Other than that, Rogue Squadron was a pretty decent book with some relatively smart space combat scenes.

I remember someone asking Micheal Stackpol about it and he said when he wrote that bit he thought they were more human-like (kind of like Bothans) and didn't realize they were giant weasels until after the book was published. For whatever it's worth.

And yeah Corren was mildly allergic to her and got a full body rash.

E; fb

Personally I think Voort is my favorite EU character

Imagine this guy in a starfighter. Or on stage dancing for the ladies :pervert:

platedlizard fucked around with this message at 05:31 on Dec 18, 2014

# ¿ Dec 18, 2014 05:23

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# ¿ May 15, 2024 22:14

platedlizard: Aug 31, 2012; I like plates and lizards.

Gammatron 64 posted:

EU authors really seem to like writing about rape, interspecies sex, and interspecies rape so what separates this from fanfiction exactly?

All the sex and rape is fade-to-black instead of lovingly detailed.

# ¿ Dec 18, 2014 16:38

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > We love the StarWars EU this much *outstretched arms nailed to Luu'uks X-Wing*