Anti-Food Porn Thread: Seems Saggy Not Saggy A Bit Saggy Ball - The Something Awful Forums

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The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > Anti-Food Porn Thread: Seems Saggy Not Saggy A Bit Saggy Ball

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

The last time I went to Outback, I was starving and really looking forward to the Bloomin' Onion to start, as all the other times I had been it had been quite good. When it came out, it was a little cold and literally dripping in oil. I can see how if someone got that for the first time it would put them off forever. Now I can't look at that picture without the taste and feel of congealed fat on my tongue and roof of my mouth.

Here's more Ozzies trying Outback.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJwfyg27wHI

# ¿ Apr 11, 2015 04:56

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# ¿ May 15, 2024 11:45

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

bathroomrage posted:

When I was a kid, for better or for worse, I would just pop open cans of peas or corn and eat them as a snack.

Beats potato chips, I guess.

:hfive:

I would always pilfer my parent's canned food storage of corn. Eventually they just gave up restocking them and resorted to frozen. Sad day.

Holy god, I just remembered the time I was really jonesing for some bean sprouts as banchan and the only stuff I could find was the loving La Choy kind. Cracked it open getting ready for some crunchy goodness and... :barf:

:barf:

It was a soggy pressed block of mush.

# ¿ Apr 16, 2015 22:07

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

Hirayuki posted:

"Pan" just means "bread" (from the Portuguese) and is the catch-all word for any bread product you can get from a bakery, the majority of which is what we'd probably call "buns" or "rolls," sweet or otherwise. It's not always sweet and certainly not always deep fried. Curry pan is, though; that's kind of a curry piroshki breaded in panko and fried. (Delicious, when fresh.)

"Shokupan" ("eating bread") is the stuff that comes in loaves and is usually a sweeter variation on a white Pullman loaf, often sliced super thick. Upon eating a slice of Japanese toast, my son commented that the Japanese must have really huge mouths.

It also is loving fantastic toasted with butter or corn mayo, though I realize this last variation probably belongs in this thread:

Toasted, it's crispy on the outside and pull-apart soft on the inside.

Even an unabashed fan of shokupan (and garlic) like me draws the line at some of the things they do to it, though.

This is a five-inch-tall hunk of white bread diced into chunks and done up with garlic butter. Then there's the sweet variation, of which this (the top Japanese GIS for "karaoke dessert") is an extremely tame example:

See much worse here.

Honey toast is loving awesome, but not meant to be eaten by a single person. It's usually toasted though (as the name implies), and you can't really see it from those pics. Shokupan makes killer french toast too.

# ¿ Apr 21, 2015 01:33

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

pookel posted:

That crust is the most photoshopped thing I've seen since Lorde's face. There's no way the real thing isn't some soggy pathetic pass at edible goods.

# ¿ May 5, 2015 04:42

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

Tiggum posted:

Famous food idiot Pete Evans has written a book that might kill children.

quote:

Pete Evans� daughters Indi and Chilli

This is the real crime right here.

# ¿ May 28, 2015 20:37

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

EorayMel posted:

Also to get back to the Anti-Food Porn stuff what in God's name am I looking at here? A bunch of yams/sweet potatoes in a turkey leg form?

Sorry to ruin your innocent mental image.

icehewk posted:

Been aging this according to Ruhlman. It had some maggots on it near the bone but I cut all of that out as you can see. Is it all right?

# ¿ Jun 12, 2015 17:46

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

Pomp posted:

Sinner's Sandwiches aren't half bad. This is the first one my husband made for himself. Plays quite nicely on the salty/sweet dichotomy and the cereal adds a pretty great texture contrast.

# ¿ Jun 19, 2015 18:29

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

PubicMice posted:

I forget where I first heard it, but it's never left me: This is the most passive-aggressive thing I've ever seen.

And holy poo poo, that loofah cake. What horrific offense do you commit against a baked good to make it look like that?

# ¿ Jun 20, 2015 02:28

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

For a while this,

a deep fried double cheeseburger, was trending higher than the gay marriage ruling.

# ¿ Jun 27, 2015 02:49

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

cash crab posted:

I thought the paper underneath read "Gay for healthy play". Yeah, McDonalds. I guess I am.

# ¿ Jun 29, 2015 16:26

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

BARONS CYBER SKULL posted:

Is that half a loving avocado? Did the other person sharing it decide that they would go the healthier alternative to, I guess, fried okra?

# ¿ Jul 5, 2015 01:43

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

subpar anachronism posted:

Irving and bringmyfishback are right- they're 'gluten free sugar free low carb' marshmallows.

So they're exactly what they look like then: styrofoam peanuts cut in half.

# ¿ Jul 6, 2015 18:47

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

ACES CURE PLANES posted:

This, however, I am a very big fan of.

This is definitely ostrich. The proportions are wrong for a horse, and when you get close to the foot, you can see the dinosaur scales.
:goonsay:

:goonsay:

Some guy from toplessrobot did a trip report on the Denny's promotional breakfast for The Fantastic Four. Unfortunately, he was a wuss and didn't eat the entire menu in one sitting like a true goon. Way to not take one for the team, buddy.

:patriot:

:patriot:

And actually, the food doesn't look horrible.
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2015/07/fast_food_review_every_item_on_the_dennys_slamt4stic_4_four_fantastic.php

quote:

When asked, director Josh Trank has said that his take on the Fantastic Four in the upcoming movie is based on the notion of "body horror." So it makes total sense that the promotional tie-ins would feature food items likely to induce fear in the casual, non-American diner - not just fear of indigestion, but fear of Mass Waistline Destruction.

# ¿ Jul 14, 2015 04:43

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

These are a thing in Japan now: wasabi-mayo Pringles.

If I can find one of the little cans, I'll do a trip report because I'll be hosed if I'm downing a whole 7 oz. can of them by myself.

They are apparently delicious

# ¿ Aug 1, 2015 13:39

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

Aesop Poprock posted:

Has Jones ever done an orange juice and toothpaste soda

It's fake, obviously, but it still instills an inherent sense of wrong in me. And anger.

# ¿ Aug 26, 2015 11:59

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

Yeah, it says what it is but all I see is wombat poo poo.

BARONS CYBER SKULL posted:

KIDS LOVE MINIONS!

KIDS. LOVE. MINIONS.

You know who else kids love?

# ¿ Aug 27, 2015 14:21

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

Yesterday we went to a Lawson's (convenience store chain throughout Japan) and I saw a "caramel popcorn cafe latte". I don't drink coffee; if I did, I'd have bought one and written up a trip report, but thankfully someone else did. I'll let the awkward translation and pictures speak for themselves.

quote:

"Caramel popcorn & Maple caramel powder" came separately from ice caffe latte when we purchased at once in Lawson. We put this in the ice caffe latte by oneself and seem to cook caramel popcorn latte.

Much powder is more characteristic than popcorn when we put popcorn into ice caffe latte. When we drink after mixing well��. It is caramel popcorn latte um. Just!　It is impression that becomes gradually strong although it is lightly sweetened generally.

Because quality and cospa of ice caffe latte pass God, it cannot be said unconditionally whether it is cheap whether +50 yen is high, but there should be many people who feel if cheap if we think that we can drink cafe-style caramel latte for 200 yen. Interested person wants you to check by all means.

# ¿ Aug 30, 2015 14:04

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

I sometimes browse Cook Pad for simple recipes when I'm bored, but lately there seem to be a rash of people that think that not only can they cook, but that they can photograph what they make.
"Sauteed Zucchini"

"Squash and Green Beans"

"Superb Salsa"

This one was simply titled, "Popsicle!"

It had graham crackers in it for some unfathomable reason.

# ¿ Sep 10, 2015 15:00

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

Grape Soda posted:

Speaking of black buns, according to Dinosaur Dracula's twitter, there's going to be a halloween themed whopper with a black bun. Not sure if that's the only special thing about it, but it sounds like it has potential for this thread.

That's old hat already.

It was colored with squid ink which has no discernible taste, so yeah, would.

# ¿ Sep 11, 2015 02:19

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

JacquelineDempsey posted:

File this one under the "would, but dear god the picture sucks" category.

I like to cook, and epicurious.com used to be my go-to when finding a recipe. The site has gone to complete poo poo since Bon Appetit magazine folded, as evinced by this result I just got while searching for inspiration for what to do with a bottom round roast.

Really? This is supposed to be a recipe by Mario Batali. The picture is a blurry, poorly composed mess of beef, too-shiny sauce, and "garnish? never heard of it". I expect this crap from "cooking 4 bae" tweets, not a Conde motherfucking Nast site.

Not the most horrifying thing we've seen itt, to be sure, but it's truly anti food porn for me. I WAS inspired --- ie, horny to cook, to go with the food + porn analogy --- but now I'm totally turned off and angry.

I posted about this earlier in the thread, but Cook Pad has a similar problem. It used to be a site for simple, wholesome Japanese recipes, but it's since become home to the most Midwest white-bread, soccer-mom/trailer trash dump meals. I trawl through it on the slim chance that I'll find something good, but mostly it's for thread content now.
"Pork Chops with Tarragon Onion Gravy"

And an explicable side of instant ramen.

"Fresh homemade tagliatelle"

"Slightly(????) Savory Snack"

Wanna know how to enjoy this? Dip pieces of white bread in egg, pan fry them, then top with lovely mozzarella. Eat and cry.

Just cookies made with boxed cake mix, but you couldn't expend the effort to at least plate them before taking a crap picture?

# ¿ Oct 19, 2015 18:04

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

Picnic Princess posted:

Now I'm just angry the Ethiopian restaurant down the block is closed right now.

I'm angry you have one near you. A cursory search for "Ethiopian restaurant near me" brought up a site selling softcore porn DVDs. :japan:

:japan:

# ¿ Nov 2, 2015 14:49

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

Found this on my facebook feed this morning. Scrolling down it looked delicious (curried chicken and guac with peppers), but then I saw the puddle. It looks exactly like what my cats throw up when they drink too much water too fast, including the tiny chunk of green.

# ¿ Nov 3, 2015 04:59

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

Ulfhednar posted:

I tried to stir it to make it look a little more appealing;

So I'm either going to assume that: a) That it was so viscous and pastey that it broke the ladle after you tried to stir it or b) That it just ate clear through the drat thing like acid. Neither of those options are what I would willingly put into my stomach.

# ¿ Nov 6, 2015 09:00

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

Aesop Poprock posted:

Why is Todd eating his swill off the floor

Because he's a animal.

# ¿ Nov 9, 2015 12:11

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

zedprime posted:

Stare too long into the burger, and the burger stares back.

This is on you.

# ¿ Nov 18, 2015 10:15

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

I... Oh. Oh nooo.

_{_{My birthday was the 18th woohoo}}

# ¿ Nov 19, 2015 11:40

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

I inadvertently ate ~~white people food~~ anti-food porn today at a potluck. Someone brought what I at first thought were lumpia except they were white (first red flag). They also had something vaguely orange-red seeping through the wrapper (second). I went to stab one with a fork to put in on my plate, but it slid off the tines (third). I bit into it and discovered it was full of chopped buffalo chicken and that whoever made it didn't seem to realize that whatever you wrap in egg roll wrappers is supposed to be fried after you loving wrap it. I didn't finish it.

There was also an aluminum tub of cream corn. Not creamed corn. It was literally canned loose corn swimming in heavy cream.

kinmik has a new favorite as of 05:44 on Nov 24, 2015

# ¿ Nov 24, 2015 05:42

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

diabeetz posted:

I understand the aversion to washing a fuckton of dishes on Thanksgiving, but when the entire spread is comprised of nothing but aluminum pans and plastic plates and cups it just looks cheap.

That's what ~~free child labor~~ your little nieces and nephews are for after all.

# ¿ Nov 27, 2015 08:05

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

Scathach posted:

I see rice in the bottom and what looks to be fish-shaped imitation crab meat.

There are zero savory elements in this; it's a Japanese sweet called wagashi. The fish and other decorative elements are made from sweet white bean paste while the "water" is agar agar. It's good poo poo but overpriced because of how finicky and labor intensive it is for two bites of food.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLU4RGSWoDc

# ¿ Dec 25, 2015 02:10

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

Winklebottom posted:

This recipe isn't offensive or anything but check out the amazing onion cutting technique at 4:45

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqzkcwTCKX0

I liked the part where she teaches us how to use a garlic press. She cooks like my sister-in-law, with one obvious exception that at least this lady uses fresh garlic, as opposed to the poo poo that comes preminced in a jar.

# ¿ Jan 18, 2016 08:15

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# ¿ May 15, 2024 11:45

kinmik: Jul 17, 2011; Dog, what are you doing? Get away from there.
You don't even have thumbs.

Otana posted:

Ughhhh that is the worst. I'm not a professional chef by any means but I learned how to cook through trial and error and having a couple of good, sharp knives makes things so much easier. Whenever a friend asks me to cook at their place it always makes me nervous because I have no idea what kind of state they keep their knives in, or whether they have more than like, one small pot and a non-stick frying pan.

Let me tell you kids a story. A chef's horror story. Any self respecting kitchen lurker's horror story.

My in-laws are decent people but by god they can boil pasta to death. Several years back we went to visit them and I volunteered to cook for them one night. I'm knocking around the kitchen looking for a knife to cut potatoes with, give up, and ask where it is. My mom pulls open a drawer full to bursting with utensils, plunges her hand in, and pulls out the sorriest looking knife I've ever seen in my life. When I take it in hand, it weighs about three ounces. It's obvious by how worn yet rough the wooden handle is that they've put this through the dishwasher for as long as they've had it. The blade is so bent and ribboned you could have effectively used it as one of these.

I put it back.

# ¿ Jan 18, 2016 12:48

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > Anti-Food Porn Thread: Seems Saggy Not Saggy A Bit Saggy Ball

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