Centripetal Horse posted:

This one's on me.

I started a new job recently. I've been struggling to get up to speed with out large code base, and the dozens of technologies we employ. If you followed my GBS thread, you know I'm feeling significant pressure to do well at this job. Consequently, I've been staying late at work. Last night, everyone was gone by 7:00 or so, except the CIO and one of the high-level managers. The CIO left, and the manager stopped by for a talk. We chatted for half an hour or so, and he left. I was all alone in the IT Engineering room. Even the Russian guys who take care of the trash and building maintenance were gone. I spent the next hour-and-a-half or so working on various aspects of my project, keeping a full-volume conversation going with myself the entire time. That's something I do regularly when I am alone, because I am either mentally ill, or very lonely, and probably both. Suddenly, I felt a cramp in my gut. I pressed down, and let loose with an incredibly long, incredibly loud fart. It was one of those wet farts that sounds like a horse blowing a raspberry. It was extremely satisfying. I groaned in satisfaction. To celebrate, I stood up and sang

DOMO ARIGATO, MR. ROBOTO!

DOMO!

DOMO!

I was in mid-Robot when a torso swivel brought me face-to-face with the guy who was sitting in a cube directly behind my chair, and not five feet away from me. He'd been sitting back there for maybe two hours, listening to me talk to myself, and was witness to both my fart, and my Robotting. It was like 9:30 at night, and I hadn't heard a loving sound from him.

I expect bonus schadenfreude any day now when I get fired for whatever kind of harassment blasting rear end on a guy then singing Styx at him qualifies as.

genesplicer posted:

Long, long ago, in 1976, I was part of my high school's crack computer team. Our school didn't actually have a computer. We had a teletype machine and a 300 baud modem. With this, we connected to the MIT mainframe and assisted seniors in finding colleges that had the progams they were interested in taking. During downtime, I figured out something. We used numerical codes to navigate, so I decided to see what other codes would do. After finding very little of interest, I managed to stumble upon the complete list of codes.

With this I was able to enter into parts of the server I was not authorized to enter. I managed to figure out a few passwords (not nearly as secure as they are today) and accessed even more. About this time, we had to do a report on some topic in biology. I decided to wow my teacher, and do my report on genetic engineering. This was a new technology (the first experiments had been done in 1973), and MIT was at the forefront. Since I had access to their primitive email system, I sent a few messages to the grad students asking questions. Eventually they figured out I was not an MIT student and questioned me. I explained what I had done, and the students approached a professor. They gave me limited access to their mainframe, in exchange for me not trying to crack the system any further. Quite a coup for a freshman high school kid.

The professor set up my account, with the tounge-in-cheek name "Genesplicer" (actually, it was "gensplcr", because login names were all 8 characters)

So, in December of this year, I will haved used the name "genesplicer" on various websites, etc, on the ARPANET, BBSs and the Internet, for 40 years.

Dr. Dogballs Jr. posted:

mine's tiny. like, smaller than micropenis tiny, i gotta move stuff out of the way a bit too find it. it apparently has more nerves than a regular winky, i can't dry touch it without flinching a bit. it's surrounded by this stuff called a hood and labia with an angry hole underneath that bleeds like it means business and occasionally cries a bit? and there's no spunk sploosh when i diddle the drat thing, i think it's broken guys

Red Suit posted:

Theres no visible mark, but when I was 14 I was jacking it under the covers. My cat saw something something bobbing up and down and pounced on my junk. A claw got through the blanket and tore right across the urethra.

Arbite posted:

It's the notes you do play.

Orkin Mang posted:

i was packing hamsters into bowling balls long before pokemon was even thought of

FlyinPingu posted:

like most mock threads the subject might be funny but then people get really obsessive and weird about it

loquacius posted:

I dunno if you know what kind of lawyers the RIAA has (had?) but fighting that poo poo would have cost waaaaay more than $3000

My dad is a lawyer and right after I was served with the notice I called him in a panic and he calmed me down by saying everything was okay and he was gonna call a friend of his in the field and we were gonna beat this. The next day he called me back and said we were paying the $3000.

Being an RIAA lawyer in the '00s must have been a p sweet gig. It's like having a company that only does billing and nothing else, and people have to pay your bills or you get to hand them an even larger bill.

Death By Yogurt posted:

i only wear it when i'm doin the goatse

wow rude posted:

This makes me think it's like a dance

Stretch your rear end from side to side
Let's do the goatse oh

Marshall Louis posted:

You can goatse if you want to
You can spread out your behind...

Smash it Smash hit posted:

I just buy cheap as gently caress cars and run them into the ground and buy a new one.

jackyl posted:

same but your mom

naem posted:

I have a chronic case of nine inch long penis

Jerry Cotton posted:

*peers into your anus* ah yes I see it now.

Shaquin posted:

Scientists Discover Antihumor Particle at The Cellular Level of Mans Body:

"We were shocked to say the least. Locked within the cellular level of this individuals body is decidedly a definitive humor draining particle. From what we've been able to discern, we are dealing with a strain of AIDS that has mutated into an actual hilarity reducing element. As you can see in the following diagram, his anal cavity acts as a biological particle accelerator; endlessly cycling this negative humor until it is expelled forth, usually in the form of what we are tentatively calling "Posts"."

Snapchat A Titty posted:

mdm posted:

everyone has an imaginary gender not sure where that if comes from

Maoist Pussy posted:

Gender meaning sex.

mdm posted:

which ones are the imaginary sexes?

RideTheSpiral posted:

the ones you are having

God Hole posted:

I was a barback in college and one of my coworkers came out of the bathroom in the middle of happy hour covered in piss. It turned out someone pissed into a plunger and then carefully suctioned it onto the ceiling with the piss still inside.

GoutPatrol posted:

When I was around 12, I was watching CNN with my grandma. The anchor on the screen was a black woman. She looked at me and asked if would ever marry a black woman. I said sure, why not. She said no while she's around. Well grandma you're dead and I can gently caress anyone I want.

Tonsured posted:

Okay, I had a bit of a breakdown last night and found myself, once again, outside a five guys crying on the curb. I had been out for a jog early morning yesterday and came across a group of youths who were hanging out by the bike path, when I passed them, one of them, he had sun glasses and had his hat on backwards and I just knew he was real cool, stopped his conversation with his friends, said "check it" pointed at me and laughed and called me "big boy" and then pantomimed his arms in front of his belly bouncing around like he was pregnant or something. So of course this event was traumatic and sent me on a downward spiral of depression for the rest of the day that ended with me at 10:59 p.m eating a burger outside five guys crying over and occasionally brushing away tear drops and grease dribbles from an expired passport photo of myself as a young and beautiful and athletic 19 year old. Well five guys closes at 11 and one of the employees closing the front door only saw my backside and tears and felt bad for me and gave me a garbage bag full of free fries she was planning to throw out anyway. I accepted the gift because I liked the idea of being similar to a fat useless garbage receptacle.

So It's funny, if it weren't for that cool boy with sun glasses and the free fries, before yesterday I would have told this thread I don't eat carbs. Cheese fries would be pointless for me to speak about, but because of that young fellow, I know that there is no point to self improvement or trying to better oneself, we are all going to die anyway and age and life is pointless and no amount of effort of being proactive about ones health will ever change that, so I might as well just shovel these fries into my mouth,
AND WHY NOT WHY DONT I JUST DUMP CHEESE ALL OVER THESE THINGS. DROWN THEM AND MY MISERABLE LIFE AWAY IN CHESSE ON THESE THINGS
Might as well just order my rascal or hoverround or whatever now. You know what thread I'm gonna go to walmart right now! I'm gonna go there and practice riding around without legs, ride down the store aisles, stopping only to jostle jars of cheese balls off the shelf with a stick and just never run on the path again or wear backwards baseball caps no matter how bald I end up because gently caress it I'll be a blob melded to a scooter anyway

Chief McHeath posted:

So would you like to start out with an appetizer?

HEAVY BREATH

Let me... umummmum... let me consult

ANOTHER HEAVY BREATH

my forums.

FINAL HEAVY SIGH

satanic splash-back posted:

I found the love of my life playing Red Rover.

It was a beautiful September day, the leaves were a transient yellow-green, fluttering slowly down to the ground. A few children taunted me from the other side of the short field, calling me, the Red Rover, to come out and play. I took a few deep breaths, steadied myself, and hurled my seven year old body towards the mass of interlinked legs and arms congealed at the other end. I huffed and puffed and threw my legs forth. I rumbled and trundled towards that human fence. I slammed into it with the full fury of an overweight child desperately seeking attention.

I saw the ground spin to the air, and my back slammed the ground. I couldn't breathe. My arms flailed in the air, desperately clutching at the oxygen my lungs wouldn't draw. That was when the teacher came over. Her dress fluttered in the wind, lovingly brushing my face as I grasped the air. With a single, forceful whoosh, the dress flew over my head.

It was then I first saw panties.

Degenerate Star posted:

Hey, don't forget the pledge's important role in the spiritual development of budding atheists when they realize that there's no consequences for refusing to say the 'under God' part. Not a single lghtning bolt! Heck yeah! In your face, Mom!

MiracleWhale posted:

genderqueer is to millennials in 2016 what jnco jeans and marilyn manson t-shirts were to the people of my time

Moridin920 posted:

back when swim suits for women were becoming popular it was en vogue to have a big rear end 'beach house' that was usually wood and tarp and cloth that servants would carry down to the beach (obv if you had money, not if you were a poor)

then they'd carry it down to the water so the woman can bathe in the bathing suit (the big one piece ones) without plebes getting an eyeful


in 2016 I could jack to a different naked lady every single time and never run out of naked ladies to jack to lmao the future is now

Lizard Wizard posted:

Nobody explain this to me, ever.

davidspackage posted:

*looks at watch* oh no... it's 4:20! Grrr... grrrraAAAWWWWR

Volume posted:

Screaming Idiot posted:

Though I know I should be wary
Still I jones for something hairy
Dankest howlings I turn loose
Weed wolf, weed wolf, WEED WOLF!

PBS Newshour posted:

the raven from poe's the raven but it keeps quoting forums quotes you don't think are funny

Horniest Manticore posted:

Sleep is one of the greatest things in life. It comforts, soothes, revives. Consider the words of Shakespeare:

Shakespeare posted:

...the innocent sleep,
Sleep that knits up the ravell'd sleeve of care,
The death of each day's life, sore labour's bath,
Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course,
Chief nourisher in life's feast

No matter who you are, sleep is a time to rest and restore. It is a blessing available to everyone, young and old, rich or poor.

But not The Fat.

You see, The Fat have forfeited the "balm of hurt minds." They have turned away from the path of health, and so God has visited upon them the curse of sleep apnea. Sleep is no longer rejuvinating for The Fat. It no longer soothes and comforts. It is but a shadowy parody of itself, much as The Fat are themselves grotesque distortions of human beings. And The Fat have no one to blame but themselves. They decided that Pop Tarts and regular Cokes were better than sleep. Better than sleep! Gentle posters, nothing is better than sleep. This mistake is the crowning one in the misguided lives of The Fat.

Thank you for reading.

Lunchmeat Larry posted:

Enfield is on fire, haha

ratbert90 posted:

My wife's call center just told her she can't go to her doctors appointment because there is a client walkthrough. This doctor's appointment she made two weeks ago, told them about, and had approved.

It's a doctors appointment for her knee, and to finish some paperwork so we can start training to be foster parents. I told her to go anyways and take the "double points" because she has 0 points anyways.

gently caress them.

WampaLord posted:

What the gently caress? Like the client is going to go "WHAT IS THIS?" at the site of an unoccupied workstation?

"Do you not chain your workers to their desks so they can't leave? *harumph* I believe we'll be taking our business to a more dedicated operation!"

My Q-Face posted:

Golem II posted:

King of Bees posted:

I have absolutely no idea about Pokémon but I just went for a two hour walk with my daughter looking for them.

King of Bees posted:

I have absolutely no idea about Pokémon but I just went for a two hour walk with my daughter looking for them.

What I'm saying is suck my balls nerds.

504 posted:

So......

Your daughter likes pokemon...

and you think people that like pokemon are nerds...

and you want them to suck your balls..

Take a seat.

no they will not posted:

Everyone has that one friend who got arrested for jacking off in public... if you don't, it's you!

Robot Randy posted:

my work has an ancient co2 tank in the shitter and every time im dropping a deuce i fixate on the likelihood that its going to explode and vaporize me, leaving only my shoes and a turd with a perfect curl

Your Gay Uncle posted:

http://www.rawstory.com/2016/08/florida-man-convicted-in-road-rage-death-shot-and-killed-after-roadside-confrontation/

Florida Man who killed someone in a road rage confrontation is killed in a road rage confrontation!

Danger posted:

This is simply the ritual wherein the title of Florida Man is past on. This man will go on to sell meth out of a radioflyer and attempt paying for sex with pepsi max points until he too is killed in a road rage incident and the duty is past on.

Data Graham posted:

The Dread Pirate Cletus

Solice Kirsk posted:

As it has been, so it shall be. Florida Man is dead, long live Florida Man.

RoryBlank posted:

Oh, there is so much sadness in the world.
All the sad buddies trying to hurt eachother instead of knowing kindness and friendship.
Oh. Why do they do this? They act out of fear?

But what's this? A little buddy, a soft little pal here to save the day and tell everyone that friendship is real.

Here they are. Look at them go.







Do you believe in kindness?

Linux Pirate posted:

"Did he fire six barks or only five?" Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But being this is a .44 Mastiff, the most powerful handpup in the world and would bork your head clean off, you've gotta ask yourself one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, pupper?

Sharzak posted:

*malia passes you the bowl*
Thanks Obama

HoboTech posted:

the forums are like someone else's house where i don't really know anyone inside of it and i don't own anything there but i can stand around and listen to their conversations and maybe slip a word or two in that gets promptly ignored but really i'm just happy to be there anyway and the bathroom has those little soaps that look like seashells that no one ever uses but they smell nice when you're taking a poo poo in someone else's house

thanks for letting me poo poo in your house lowtax

thanks

mysterious frankie posted:

GOING TO GET COFFEE

-me: *walking to break room, holding lucky mug & singing* it's friday, I'm in love...

-jerry from marketing: *interrupts while walking by* no coffee, bud. sandra forgot to order more.

-me: ...with deeeeeeeath.

HOLDING A MEETING

-me: everyone, as I'm sure you are aware, the office currently has no keurig pods.

*general panicky murmuring*

-steve from accounting: my god!

-mary from hr: of course this would happen on friday the 13th.

-ted from reception: uh, it's not friday the 13th...

-mary from hr: well, it's friday the 13th somewhere!

-ted from reception: *looks at camera jimishly*

*panicked murmurs intensify*

-me: just shut up, all of you! look, we're all broad, poorly realized, caricatures of office workers. we all know that. and being as such, we cannot live without coffee. some sort of jg ballardian postmodern nightmare scenario is more likely to occur with each passing moment we remain decaffeinated.

-jerry from marketing: *naked from the waist down, wearing feces derived warpaint & his tie as a headband he emerges from a makeshift lean-to fully engorged* who wants to join my rape gang?

-me: we're not there yet.

-jerry: *dejectedly* awww

-mary from hr: so what are we going to do to stave off this terrible, allegory heavy, future?

-me: we send an intern to startbucks...

-ted from reception: yes, an intern...

-mary from hr: ...to starbucks

-jerry from marketing: or maybe we form rape gangs?

-me: maybe... wait, no. definitely the coffee thing.

-jerry from marketing: fiiiine, but could we at least get from peet's? starbucks is the worst.

*panicked murmuring intensifies*

THE JOURNEY

steve from accounting: so you know what to do?

intern from college: I take the 70 dollars you gave me and get everything on this list from starbucks?

jerry from marketing: and peet's.

intern from college: and peet's.

steve from accounting: correct. godspeed, son. now get on your dipshit idiot honda scooter for moronic young people who are too stupid to know what is a good thing to drive and ride, drat you!

intern from college: k.

*the intern steps out, looks around nervously. he takes a deep breath then steps toward the parking lot. he is immediately cut down by a hail of gun fire. a group of other office workers from another firm in the park scurry out from their hiding places and take the money from his body*

random office worker from elsewhere: yes! yeeessss! coffee run money! *he lifts the handful of bills to the sky* everyone, we live to see the morrow!

all the other idiots: *in unison* huzzah!

steve from accounting: well... well poo poo. that was... that was my wife's nephew. gently caress. I'm never going to hear the end of this.

me: *looking at camera* well, I guess that's what we get. I guess that's what we get for living in a country with lax gun laws. I guess that was the message of this friday. I guess that's the big take away. I guess we brought this on ourselves then. I guess...

mary from hr: yeah, no, we got it.

Fried Watermelon posted:

How do you guys cope with the realization that Office Space was very close to reality?

PK loving SUBBAN posted:

Uhh but the horror in Office Space was being stuck in some dead end job until you die.

That kind of job security is nowhere near close to 2016 reality.

FactsAreUseless posted:

On the other hand, his wife sure was pregnant!