Pick posted:

AsexualAtheistAnime posted:

making fun of oocc is kind of like being a drill instructor in the army and you're yelling at a guy for being a total fuckup and halfway through you notice he has a huge boner

Goatstein posted:

oocc is the pioneer of the "when threatened, squirt out a cloud of text everywhere like a goddamn squid" technique

quote:

quote:

'outlaws' used to be an actual thing except it also meant you werent protected by law

Let's actually do this today like when you turn 18 you get to decide

FEDERAL SELECTIVE SERVICE AGREEMENT
ONLY CHECK ONE OR ELSE
[ ] Yes I agree to obey the law and also go to war and do murders if asked
[ ] No I choose to be a badass outlaw gently caress the police

Dongicus posted:

peep this choice fedora m'goonsire bernie sanders I'm a MLP Brony fedora trilby weeaboo jort republican internet critic juggallo nazi trump supporter libertarian bitcoin racist homophobe athiest mra pua pozzer tumblr freak gamergater furry pedo ephebophile doodoo liker lets player memer 4channer redditor goon and i like the wrong politics of the xbox one gamergate gender equality wage gap tipping religion mcdonalds burger is wrong and the xbox sucks star citizen I AM A loving MORON I AM A loving MORON I AM A loving MORON I AM A loving MORON I AM A loving MORON peep this choice fedora m'goonsire bernie sanders

Dinosaurmageddon posted:

Luxury Communism posted:

As a PUA enthusiast who regularly bangs feminists while whispering "I'm beginning to feel like a I AM A loving MORON god, I AM A loving MORON god" into the ears of their SJW ex boyfriends I can confirm MRA's are poo poo hth

Gaunab posted:

This new filter is great

calhoun posted:

The older goon looked at the younger with a loving, pitiful smile and said, "Good sir, I set her printer down on the other side of the river; you are still carrying it."

Zamboni_Rodeo posted:

Best part of that whole article:

dr_rat posted:

OSHA 101: if shits hosed and there is nothing you can do about it, make sure yourself and other around you are safe, then chill till it sorts it self out, or you need to back away further.

be a Hero; get turned into to some sort of paste that's really hard to put into a coffin.

infrateal posted:

in world war I primitive tanks carried bundles of sticks on the front of their hulls which they dropped into trenches so they could cross them and the term for these objects is "fascines" but they could also be termed "enormous faggots" and basically if a wwI tank ever goes to mars and needs to cross the Valles Marineris it should strap you to the front of its hull

infrateal posted:

speaking of advertisements for casual encounters, remember that time you wore a GLOMP ME shirt to an anime convention and walked around all day inside an impregnable bubble of personal space

infrateal posted:

when curtis lemay ordered his b-29s to switch tactics from precision daylight bombing with concussion bombs to nightime carpetbombing with leaflets bearing heebie-gbs posts the crews mutinied, claiming the order represented "soulless, vacuous depravity." only after he changed the munitions loadout to white phosphorous and napalm did they obey orders

quote:

god making the earth: i like it really gross. thats what im into now

perfect angel: hey god. what are you doing in here

god: uhhhhhh

god: nothing

quote:

god: look at this. i made this, this planet, this Earth, it's magnificent. beautiful. perfect. ...too perfect.

*god's eye searches frantically and settles upon a slug resting next to two round rocks*

god: omg yesssss, yeah boy. boy....

quote:

god: dude check this out *holds lamprey up to angel's face*

angel: oh god gently caress what is that thing? eww

god: yeah it's pretty gnarly eh *holds it up to angel's face again*

angel: ah gross, stop

god: *pauses for a second then does it again, snickering quietly*

angel: stop. please

quote:

god: ok, four arms is enough, i'll call it a quadropus.

*reaches over to put tool away and knocks over arm container*

god: ugh goddamnit

quote:

god: this is fun and all, but how can i make it grosser

quote:

Angel: God, everyone loves your dinosaurs! the Triassic, the Jurassic! And then you managed to top even that with the Cretaceous! you knocked it out of the park! Everyone can hardly wait to see what you're going to do next!

God: man, I don't want to be known for just dinosaurs. I'm so much more than that. I've been working on something new, trying to take things in a new direction. check this out

*shows sketches of gross little warm-bodied things covered in fur*

Angel: er...

quote:

angel: hey we've been working on the design for the first human i got all the sketches and blueprints and stuff and tzazomatiel next door has a clay sculpture as a model if you want to go take a look

god [drawing with crayons]: its ok guys i got this

quote:

angel: my arms are perfect. they come to the shoulder but dont stop there

god: (thats it)

angel: i flex my arms and its like flexing all of my muscles. muscles that could destroy the angel bank or the angel theater--

god: (ill make a gross little pit where the arms stop. i love it)

angel: --but i would Never do that.

god: (this is gonna be awesome)

angel: my arms go on forever

quote:

lucifer, light bearer, the morningstar: so, bottom half of the body... the hands worked out real good, im thinking we just do them again

god: actually i had an idea about this, what came to me is, what about a weird, junked up hand instead. it is all scrunched up and painful and it smells bad and the fingers dont do poo poo.

lucifer: (holding head in hands with shoulders extremely tense)

quote:

angel: wow that's really good. really really good. it's perfect

god: i'm just going to-

angel: don't

god: make this thing-

angel: no it's good the way it is

god: there haha awesome

angel: i guess every artist really does go through a dick phase

quote:

god: ok you know how we have this perfected human form, all one contiguous thing, whole and perfect, animated by its own will alone

angel [cautiously]: yeah

god: well what if we did a whole...inside part, full of incredibly weird polyps that need a slurry of mashed up stuff to work, and they're all pink and purple and glisteny and constantly leaking fluids

angel: oh no

god: but get this...the human needs the fluids

angel: please stop

quote:

god: hair. i'm going to put hair on everything. armpits, monkeys, kiwis, japanese ghosts, everything. hair.

quote:

God: ...so I figured they can just absorb the essence of other life forms for sustenance like we do!

Angel: Ok, but...they're not astral beings, Lord, I don't see how they're going to partake of the luminous---

God: *points to hole in the front of the face*

Angel: Okaaaaayyyy?

God: They shove dead things right into this hole and instead of the Manipura chakra from whence flows our life energy, they got this squishy sack full of acid that melts stuff and turns it to slime then absorbs it with polyps.

Angel: Jesus Christ.

quote:

god: lets have them just shoot goo into a hole that is also filled with goo.

angel: that's...that's awkward.

god: yeah and i'm going to make them want to do it like...all the time lol

quote:

God: *studies Mars with a puzzled look on His face, stroking his beard*

God: Mars... Mars.... hmmmmmm... Oh! I got it! I'll put water on it after all but make it super salty! Lol no ones going to want to drink that! :p

quote:

god [excited]: i made this!

angel: gross what is it

god: i call it poop. now check this out

angel: ugh that's horrible what is it

god: i call it a fart. it's like poop, but invisible. farts are like angels for poops

quote:

god: and guess what else

angel: ...................

god: *biting bottom lip, arching eyebrows expectantly*

angel: ............... what

god: you can set'em on FIRE

quote:

god: hey lucy check this out its a dung beetle! it eats poo poo!

lucifer: better to reign in hell than deal with this

quote:

god: and if some of them like dookie stuff, whatever... don't tell me you've never wanted to experiment...

angel: but father, we don't even have dookie up here.

god: *blank stare, eyes wide, pointing at earth*

quote:

God: drat, volcanos are awesome. i really knocked it out of the park with that one.

gabriel: truly, Lord. i am in awe of their beauty and power.

God [not listening]: yeah yeah... flesh volcanos. my gift to man.

gabriel: w.. what? Lord, they're too b-

God: yeah. yeah! HELL YES! we doing this. gotta break out the good clay for this. i call them...zits

gabriel: you made us with an ever lasting love for you, bereft of free will, but somehow i've come to hate you

quote:

God: So I was looking at eyeballs and I thought, 'Isn't it weird that nothing eats people's eyeballs?' So I started some sketches, and, turns out there's a lot of great designs for that. Like tons. *picks up magical heaven manilla folder, spills thousands of designs on desk*

Angel: *stares blankly at them*

God: Yeah, I thought of all kinds of things like this. Like this guy eats eyeballs, he's a type of tiny worm. This guy coils up under people's skin, it causes crazy itching! It's great. This one creates lifelong debilitating fatigue, and is carried by an almost unnoticeable little insect that bites people constantly and drinks their blood. It's really something. There's no cure or anything either. People just stay sick forever LOL

Angel: What's the point of this though?? Why are you...

God: These guys burrow tunnels through human hearts as a part of their life cycle. This one will completely clog their intestines if they reproduce, to the point of both the human and all the nematodes dying. These little suckers just gestate inside a little pouch of skin, before worming their way out as they mature. This an amoeba that replicates like CRAZY inside a human brain. And this dude? Seriously, its this fish that just specifically jumps in the urethras of animals that get near it. And it's barbed -- almost impossible to get out of there without mega-trauma. Isn't that crazy awesome??

quote:

god: *makes elves and wizards*

god: eugh no

god: *replaces them with people obsessed with elves and wizards*

god: ugh, i'll fix this later

quote:

God: Hey Abraham go kill your kid in my name.

Abraham: OK, here I go *goes to stab kid*

God: NO WAIT STOP I just wanted to see if you'd do it! Sacrificing kids is wrong and you are no longer required to do it cuz I'm a super kind and loving god and it's an abomination.

Abraham: Wait then why did you ask me to do it in the first place?

God: I literally just wanted to see if you would kill your kid if I told you to. I want you to be so devoted to me that you'd kill your own son for me. But also killing your own son is SUPER horribly wrong and you should never do it ever.

Abraham: Except when you tell me to?

God: Yes. If I say so, you should totally do it. But I won't ever tell you to again. But like, if I DO, you should. But don't do it otherwise because it's a horrible sin. It's so horrible that if I tell you to do it, there's always the chance that I'm testing you to see if you'll do something horrible and if you do it I may get mad. At this point your only hope is to try and figure out what kind of mood I'm in that day.

Abraham: Huh.

God: Also, if your dad passes out drunk and naked in his tent and you look in there to check on him and see him naked accidentally, and then get embarrassed and put his coat on your back and back up to him to throw the coat over him so you won't see him naked again, I will loving make you go blind. For seeing your dad naked accidentally.

Abraham: Huh.

God: Yeah, I am crazy as gently caress.

quote:

priest: god hates it in the rear end. dont even think about it

god: um yep. oh yeah haha

priest: seriously, youre going to hell if you use your rear end

god: hahahaha

quote:

god [in workshop]: almost done with this hitler guy heh heh *tokes on a big j and passes it to an angel*

angel: i totally had this wicked twisted idea like...haha no you couldn't

god: loving tell me jfc dude

angel: what if you, like, made this guy really lovely so he hates and kills those chosen people you have a promise to protect? that'd be hilarious.

god: oh holy poo poo haha yeah

quote:

god: *helps a boxer punch harder*

god: heck ya!

god: *gazes lovingly down at a trash dump*

god: drat i'm good

god: *guides football into goal*

god: hoo boy you know it!

god: *creates windshield reflector that looks like sunglasses to prevent car from heating up in the sun*

god: i am the loving man

quote:

irl something shorted on the shuttle and laika overheated and died within a few hours of liftoff and for a brief while one could look up to the stars and see a light shooting across the sky that was actually a warm dog corpse slingshoting about the earth at thousands of miles per hour which was arguably humanity's greatest achievement so far

quote:

the dog was certainly scared as hell and probably making GBS threads + pissing during launch so it was a dog corpse covered in fecal matter

quote:

the dog that got cooked to death in space is memorialized with a statue in moscow, commemorating the millions of dollars and man hours used to murder a stray dog in an elaborate way

quote:

after laika the russians killed two more dogs in space by blowing them up with remote explosive charges, lol

quote:

i hope i'm alive the next time we as a species collectively dedicate that much effort and manpower and technological innovation towards executing an animal, maybe like dunking a sheep into a black hole or something

quote:

im going to gently caress a beautiful rare bird to death while in the void of space where no one can be prosecuted

Maksimus54 posted:

I know I'm not some poster anyone knows, but I just had the biggest life changing 12 hours of my life and I have to share somewhere. My fiance just had a baby at home at 5:15 august 1st. We did not know she was pregnant. She delivered it herself. The house looks like a scene from the Walking Dead. I'm a dad and I have had no notice and holy poo poo guys we don't even have a name picked out jesus christ

spog posted:

Wait, is this a thinly disguised 'I just had sex (9 months ago)' post?

Maksimus54 posted:

No.

Cakefool posted:

Boy have I got some news for you then.

ElGroucho posted:

If you like "Star *" anything you should probably just be shot in the street

The Taint Reaper posted:

I went dumpster diving behind an abortion clinic.

Crash_N_Burn posted:

Did you find any of your posts

atomicthumbs posted:

satin666 is the most skilled practitioner of post-modernism there is

e: he has mixed caps fyad-style in his *bbcode tags*

Jonad posted:

The D&D forums war crimes tribunal enters its 3rd day of proceedings with an unemployed cartoon enthusiast questioning USAF radar technician "JDAMS CURE ISLAM" about problematic and sexist language in the GiP dog pictures thread.

Spiderjelly posted:

Yes, but have you read:

Christ, J. H. (2015) Kill yourself. Good Advice For Fuckheads 14(3), 165-170.

infrateal posted:

when curtis lemay ordered his b-29s to switch tactics from precision daylight bombing with concussion bombs to nightime carpetbombing with leaflets bearing heebie-gbs posts the crews mutinied, claiming the order represented "soulless, vacuous depravity." only after he changed the munitions loadout to white phosphorous and napalm did they obey orders

Gromit posted:

When I don't understand a comic I gain solace by doing a Google image search for "people coughing" and imagine it's all invisible blowjobs.

Snapchat A Titty posted:

SMG owns

PBS Newshour posted:

SMG is a treasure. Sure it is one of those Indiana Jones "melt your face off" treasures, but, drat it, he is a treasure.

SneakyFrog posted:

still should have to wear the stars

Charles Bukowski posted:

Nah, he's still like 18 years old in this. Him and a bunch of grunts vs ghost nazis and an idiot C/O.

mjqs jazz bar posted:

Around the corner from my weight training job they have a cafe where they make pretty good cheeseburgers. Usually I get mine with mushrooms and onions. Well today I went in there and there was this stoner bitch in there with enormous dreadlocks and a nose ring which is a violation of the safety code. I said 'Where is the regular chef' and she said 'I don't know' very rudely to me and that's when I noticed she had not sauteed up any onions for my burger. I said "you need to learn some customer service" and then she said some cuss words to me and told me maybe I should go to Burger King. But I like to support local businesses so I looked her straight in the eye and said "the customer is always right" and grabbed her by the dreads and slammed her face onto the skillet. She screamed and then the manager came running at me with a chopping knife so I looked him straight in the eye and said "chop this" and karate chopped his wrist and broke it immediately. I picked the girl up off of the floor and said "you are what you eat" and poured the boiling grease off of the fryer into her mouth. I was glad that I could set an example of what a good citizen should do in this situation, and everyone in the cafe applauded me. ~mjq jazz bar

mjqs jazz bar posted:

I was in town with one of my girlfriends today, and I decided to play one of those scratch off games again, I was very suprised when I won 1 million dollars on the spot, this was like the second time I won the lottery. I was about to claim my prize but then I thought to myself I'm already rich why not have some fun with this one? I told my girlfriend I was tired of her already so I left her at the gas station and went to find me some poor suckers. What better place than wal mart? I went up and down the asles until I found a bad dressed man and wife along with their kid. I went up to the guy and showed the guy the ticket, and told him since I didnt need the money I was going to give it to him and his family, when he started to tear up I tore up the ticket and threw the pieces on the ground. I then started to walk away but this spinless punk then took a swing at me when my back was turned. That did it. I turned around, took off my shades, looked him straight in the eye and said "feeling lucky". I then gave him a swift kick in the ribs and threw him into the pet section, I then caught a wal mart guy coming at me so I took a knife out of my jacket and threw it toward a chain holding up a sign, I then looked at the guy and said "watch out for falling prices" and then the sign fell on him and knocked him out. I left the store but not before I complained to the manager about the kind of people they let in there. ~mjq jazz bar

mjqs jazz bar posted:

It was a nice day today so I went for a walk out side. As I was walking, I heard somebody crying out in pain so I went to investigate, when I turned the corner I saw a kid that had fallen off his bike and he was grabbing his leg and crying. There was this guy already there and he told me that he was a doctor and he thought this kid had a broken leg. I could tell this guy was lying because he didn't have any white coat, I don't like liars so I pushed him out of the way. My training in medical school showed me that I had to get the kid's leg straight again, so I started pounding his knee to get the bone straight again. Thats when the guy that claimed to be a "doctor" called me a moron and pushed me out of the way. Well that did it. I got up, took my shades off, looked him straight in the eye and said " open wide doc" and then I gave him a swift kick to the mouth. I then grabbed him and said "time to make a house call " and then I threw him through a window of a near by house. The kid stopped crying then, I guess my pounding earlier worked. I told the kid not to thank me but I did need 20 dollars for my time. He only had 14 so I took his bike as well. I feel pretty good about fixing the kid's leg. ~mjw jazz bar

Bogan Krkic posted:

I've seen a lot more of those jokes on twitter also and I love them and wish someone would compile them all from every source

Thinky Whale posted:

MGTOW had to have been started by a woman who glued a mustache on, went to an MRA meeting, and said, "Hey, you know what would really show those bitches? Leaving them alone. Just going away and not bothering them ever."

Strudel Man posted:

The ability of every weirdo to meet other like-minded weirdos on the internet and form a community there in which they can think themselves normal is certainly a phenomenon of its own, but that's not what the geek social fallacies thing is talking about.

Suzuran posted:

Bent over keyboards, like old men with their walkers,
tired, bored, we cursed through the memes,
Till on the haunting mods we turned our backs
And towards the next thread began to trudge.
Men clicked "Next Page". Many had lost their place
But limped on, eyes bloodshot. All were lame; all faggots;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of disappointed trolls that posted behind.

GAS! Gas! Quick, goons! An ecstasy of backspacing,
cancelling posting just in time;
But someone still was posting in all caps
Aimless like a man in fire or lime.
Dim, through the misty pages and thick green light
As under a green sea, I saw him shitposting.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, cursing, strawmanning, frothing with rage.

If in some smothering dreams you too could read
the Leper Colony that we saw him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the talking points
Come gargling from his filth-corrupted brain,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,--
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To newbies ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Bans are just tenbux,
Never stop posting.

Newt King posted:

If you attach the funnel of a beer bong to your dick and feed the tube down your esophagus you will never waste a drop of that sweet, sweet trip piss. Turn your digestive system into a drug ouroboros, the trip will never end!

Sham bam bamina! posted:

"Trip piss"? Is that something that people actually do?

Jedit posted:

When I was just a little goon I asked the mod team, "What should I try? Should I rent hookers? Should I do blow?" This was their wise reply:

Que sera sera, whatever will be will be. Just don't post in TCC. Que sera sera.

quote:

(Poster) stepped out of his boat and onto the shore of the continent, taking in the sights of a sprawling empire. Webcomics Discussion! Two-hundred and twelve pages long in its fourth dynasty. It was (Poster)'s first arrival. (Poster) trudged up the lip of sand and into the sounds an ancient city. Strange [ img ] architecture loomed. Native posters stepped in and out of alleysways and houses, their backs tattooed with frightening forum sigs. Merchants called their wares. Traders carried comics from the far corners of the internet to the posting blocks for appraisal. The crowd shouted and an early QC was purchased ironically, its band references circumcised. Down the street, a disagreement in a critique of artwork was fast turning into a fight. "Light sources!" A knife was drawn. No one noticed the overwhelmed (Poster), so (Poster) knew this, his/her first post, had to count.

"This place is pretty GBS."

mind the walrus posted:

Perhaps the wrong term on technicality, but you know what I mean--everyone is too good for GBS yet they're first in line to talk about how terrible it is.

JigglyPuff posted:

Context -discussing a twitter account dedicated to the memes created by an AI programme.

Bitter Mushroom posted:

the best posters bury their thoughts, their true feelings, they suppress their very humanity in order to shitpost like this. we never stood a chance

big duck equals goose posted:

if I was a woman I would just lay naked face down, rear end up in a seedy lesbo bar and get hosed all day every day in all holes

Morkyz posted:

Yeah, I guess if I were a woman I'd probably take after my mom, too.

Gorilla Salad posted:

Isn't it amazing that we live in a world where some people's response to being a bit bored is shoving a huge metal rod up their dickhole.

Dreddout posted:

"Weekly Cracker Barrel Dinner for One" is up there with "Baby shoes never worn"

Jeza posted:

all dementia patients will be very swole, and communicate almost entirely in memes they shared on the internet in their teens and twenties, much like how current ones constantly sing the greatest hits on the wireless from the 30s

Powaqoatse posted:

Weird Al's satirical songs that aren't direct parodies hold up pretty well imo.

CaptainViolence posted:

groverhaus is one ladderless pool away from looking like literally everything I ever built in the sims

Phyzzle posted:

Running a locomotive:

axolotl farmer posted:

amount I paid for tuition at Stockholm U: 0 SEKs

Cat Face Joe posted:

0 SEKs

also descriptive of ur college career

quote:

SMG is a treasure. Sure it is one of those Indiana Jones "melt your face off" treasures, but, drat it, he is a treasure.

Avenging_Mikon posted:

Not a word filter anymore.

Panic! at Nabisco posted:

so is "permabanned user niggerstomper58" a real poster who actually happened, or an ancient funnypost by someone in FYAD?

lmaoboy1998 posted:

Baby 1: Goo goo ga ga.

Baby 2: [Shits audibly into nappy]

Me: You see this, this right here, is why I don't like to admit I watch the Teletubbies. I don't want to be lumped in with the absolute fuckwits that call themselves the series' fans.

Pick posted:

Trig Discipline is somehow a loving shapshooter of the "your mom" joke. It's always in a completely random place and it is always a perfect hit.

thepopmonster posted:

cynic posted:

Gandalf: Hmm gunna give these retard midgets the most powerful, evil thing ever, hope for the best *takes huge toke and blows out a smoke ring in the shape of a big ganja leaf*

Machai posted:

did something happen in Eve?

Lowtax posted:

Randbrick posted:

Remedy/Remedial is a big fat guy

His parents are rich and they paid his way to Harvard Law I think, but instead of going he decided to marry a big fat ugly puerto rican girl and play the whole thing off like his parents refused the marriage and disowned him because he stuck to prnciple

He went on to lead the goonswarm goon goons in the eve goon game goon

In order to pay rent after he was cut off and refused on principle to get a job and support himself, he took up donations and sold eve online goon goon related merchandise, making literally thousands of dollars from those pathetic creatures

And so he was wed to his West Side Story meets Applebee's bride, which was attended by the eve goon spaceguild

Then, as the eve goon guild goons were saving up all their spacebucks to buy the biggest, shiniest imaginary spaceship of all, he raided the spacebuck reserves, stole the money, resold it, and used that to pay for more rent/fatty foods

He was just permabanned after someone hijacked his account and posted naked pictures of him and his empanaza wife, which he and she took originally send to woman on the internet and attempt to strike up a three-way

these are the facts as i understand them, but i could be wrong here or there

Remedy is a manchild of many lols

what the gently caress

Karate Bastard posted:

nah, if they didn't saw through anything electrical or piping or load bearing lol they're fine.

Gumbel2Gumbel posted:

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

Trolls are stealthier at night but also receive longer prison sentences than other species.

sebmojo posted:

sebmojo posted:

e: oh, it's a song