Luvcow posted:

Android Blues posted:

When the bad sex guy has sex, a wolf howls and an eagle feels desolate. When the good sex guy has sex, a cactus blooms in the desert. A sand vermine scurries from its hole and lets the sand wash over its coat, cleaning it of grit - when the good sex guy has sex.

FactsAreUseless posted:

Blaxploitation hero Sexual Jones, a character appearing in more than 35 different films from 1973-1986,^[1] is often described in the films as a "bad sex guy."^[2] However, the audience is then informed that the characters in the film "can dig it."^[3] In this way, Jones can be defined as both a "good sex guy" and a "bad sex guy," a dichotomy that Dr. Cornel West calls "the paradox of black sexuality in white society."^[4]

twoday posted:

vanisher posted:

FutonForensic posted:

50 years ago: hey neighbor, can i borrow a cup of sugar? god bless

today: hey there neighbor, give me some sugar, sexually. we're an amoral generation. it's like we live on a cum-de-sac, am i right. i will see you tonight at the secret rally, where we will take turns dumping cups of sugar on the national flag, and pictures of our forefathers

google THIS posted:

Disciples: Why are you wearing those sunglasses, Jesus? It's dark out.

Jesus: Because I am the light.

Disciples:

posting smiling posted:

some of the worst times to yell out gently caress would be

-you stubbed your toe, but your baby is sleeping

-you hit your thumb with a hammer, but your toddler is taking a nap

-you fell down the stairs but your child is trying to get a night's sleep before the first day of kindergarten

-you got your hand stuck in the garbage disposal but your teenager fell asleep at the kitchen table studying for the SATs

-you are t-boned by a drunk driver at an intersection while your kid who you just picked up from the airport after a year studying abroad in europe is passed out in the back seat

-you fall off the balcony of your hotel room after having a little too much to drink at your only child's wedding and they are asleep with their new spouse in the room below as you fall past

-you are hit by a massive cardiac incident while lying in your hospital bed and your loving attentive child, who has been by your side day and night ever since the terminal diagnosis is slumped over in the chair next to you trying to get a few hours of shuteye

posting smiling posted:

https://soundcloud.com/classicist/why

yeah actually they will posted:

FactsAreUseless posted:

The story I am about to tell you is true. It's a true story, and it really happened. My name is not important. My name is poo poo Blunderboard, and I'm an ordinary teenage boy, just like you. Two weeks ago, I was having an argument with my mom about going to church. I told her I was an atheist and I read about it online. I told her I didn't want to go to church any more.

"I don't want to go to church anymore," I exclaimed to her.

"You have to go to church, because of otherwise, God will send you to Hell," she advised. I didn't believe her, because I was an atheist now. I stayed home and played atheist video games, such as Minecraft, instead. That night, I went to sleep, which I normally do at night.

"Good night," Mom (Donna) intoned to me. "Don't let the bedbugs bite even though I love you less than your Christian sister now."

Her words stung me, because I didn't like my sister very much, but I liked my mom a lot, even though we had disagreements. I went to sleep that night, as normal. That night, when I went to sleep, I had a dream. I thought it was a dream, but it was actually real. In the dream, I woke up in Hell, instead of my normal bed. But it was worse than I thought. It was scary.

"Welcome to Hell," Satan cried menacingly. He wasn't normal Satan. He was a skeleton Satan, and he had pitchforks instead of normal horns.

"Am I in Hell?" I inquired questioningly. I had always been very curious, which is why I was atheist now.

"Yes," shrieked the skeleton Satan, using heavy metal music instead of normal words. "You are in Hell. Scary Hell, that is!" Satan cackled with laughter, and it sounded like nails on a chalkboard made out of the chalk police use to draw the outlines around dead bodies. I screamed and looked around, sitting up in my bed, which was in Hell now. The sights that I saw shocked me to my eyes.

Instead of normal flames, like what Hell is supposed to have, all the flames were made out of blood. I stood up and looked at the blood flames up close, and I realized that instead of blood cells, the blood was made of tiny demons. The demons had skulls instead of eyes, and they were talking about how God wasn't real. This scared me, because I hadn't gone to church, so I didn't know if they were telling the truth.

"I'm going to torture you now," Satan menaced. I hoped he didn't. But I was wrong. Instead of torturing me normal ways, he made me swim in a pool of skulls. The skulls' teeth scratched me.

"Ouch!" I explained with agony from the skulls in my voice. "I'm so sorry I didn't go to church!" I was sorry I hadn't gone to church.

"You can't go now," Satan informed me. "You're in Hell now." I looked around. Satan was right. This was definitely hell, except instead of normal pitchforks, the demons were holding jack o'lanterns. I screamed when I realized what had happened.

"I'm sorry!" I begged. "I want to go to church instead of Hell!" Just then, Satan picked up the phone.

"Hello, this is Satan," he answered menacingly. "Oh, is this God? Hello, God. Yes, poo poo Blunderboard is here, just like you said. What's that? He wants to go church now so I should send him home? Okay." Satan hung up the phone, which was shaped like a coffin with a skull on it, and dripped blood when he folded it shut. I wondered who he was talking to.

"You have to go home now," Satan mumbled threateningly.

"Okay," I responded with relief. I got back into my bed and fell asleep. When I woke up, I couldn't believe it. Was it a dream? I didn't want to open my eyes, but then I did. What I saw next made me feel relieved.

Instead of being in hell, I was inside of my bedroom. I looked around and it looked normal. Just then, my mom asked me if I wanted to go to church. I said yes.

I still don't know if I believe in God, but I do know that Hell is real. And if there's one thing I know, it's that I believe in God. Please pass on my terrible warning, or else you could end up in Hell also, like I did. Goodbye.

vanisher posted:

Let's take a quick inventory and see just who has the upper hand:

You: Weighed down by your black trench coat, low visibility hockey mask, and 45 pound gas powered chain saw
Me: Limber and refreshed from just exiting the shower and using Zest brand body soap

You: Winded from screaming "i'm going to get you" at the top of your lungs upon entering the room
Me: Relaxed and ready to dodge in any direction due to the lack of resistance from clothing

You: Probably alerted half the neighborhood by just walking around looking like a creep
Me: Could probably just stand still and the police will be here any moment

Manifisto posted:

blaise rascal posted:

Whoa, so I can do this on myself? That's cool. The issue is that I don't know what the hell any of these Tarot cards mean. I'm going to go ahead and use a different set of cards with which I am more intimately familiar to answer the question, "Will I find love?"



Issue - Chromeshell Crab
The exchange of the control of other cards reflects the exchange of one's being with a lover's being. This card seems to be indicating that the type of relationship I seek is not one that is completely selfless, but rather one in which the lovers give their best selves to each other. Hidden within this card mechanic is a dire warning. The way that this card typically plays out is that you give your opponent something that harms her, while taking her best thing for yourself. Approaching a relationship in the same way surely dooms it to failure.

I'm not sure how to interpret the morph cost. It could be that this card coming out of nowhere from a lowly 2/2 is telling me to embrace the spontaneous nature of love, or it could be that I'm supposed to lie low and wait until I get to know a girl well before asking her out (just as this card hangs out as a morphed creature for a while before unmorphing). Either way, it appears that finding love will be less about changing something deep within myself, and more about mustering up enough mana for the morph cost.



Crossing - Rewind
It's amazing to me that out of the tens of thousands of cards that have ever been printed, so far I have picked two cards that I have actually cast in games. In any case, this card's meaning in this position is obvious to me - I am still obsessed with the girl I dated two years ago. We were only together in person for a month before she moved out of the country, but that hasn't stopped me from forming a fixation around her. I still talk to her occasionally, but she has made it clear that she doesn't want to date me again.

I'm not so full of myself as to think that I would be enjoying great romantic success if I had never met her, but I do think that my thoughts about her are absolutely a "crossing" to overcome. I often compare other girls to her, and it's much easier for me to think about what went wrong with her than what could go right with other girls. It's clear to me that I wish to rewind back to when we were together, counter our breakup, and untap with a fresh set of lands ready to invest in her in all the ways I failed to invest in her before. However, that's not possible. I need to find the fortitude to hold my rewind in my hand and let our breakup resolve.



Subconscious - Young Pyromancer

This weirdass leather twink is not what I was expecting. Is the spirit of James Garfield calling me gay? In any case, it could be that I have had opportunities for love, but have burned them by, uh, hastily flinging fire elementals at them? I'm at a loss. Although, it is to be expected that subconscious issues are tough to identify. That's why they're subconscious. Let's just move on; this guy is making me uncomfortable.



Conscious - Blazethorn Scarecrow

According to the cards, I consciously view myself as this scarecrow, plodding along in the darkness, searching for a light-filled world (Lorwyn) that is gone forever. I certainly feel like a roaming creature a lot of the time. Most days I have to travel for my job. This is tough because it makes me feel like I have no permanent home anywhere, which also interferes with dating. Like this creature, I could also be overly desperate; a red creature, a green creature, it doesn't matter, I just can't be complete by myself. More specifically, I have no "color" or identity of my own, just what I am able to steal from others. All of these things are true, but it's not clear to me how to fix them. Perhaps we should delve deeper.



Past - Jetting Glasskite

It's true that I was a lot freer in the past than I am now. This freewheeling guy both flies and has a regenerating "armor" that counters things that harm him, and likewise, a few years ago, I had all these crazy ambitions that I was working on, and I would ask out random girls on the street (I blame BYOB for telling me to do this; BYOB was a different place back then), and nothing seemed to bother me. I even decided to literally "jet" to Europe and live there for close to a year, which is where I met the girl I can't shut up about. These days I am more cautious and have thinner skin. I don't really want my heart broken again.

Alternately, this card could represent that girl. She was also a free spirit, seeming to move from country to country at a whim despite having little money, and her positive attitude served as a sort of natural "counter" to the harshness of the world around her.



Near Future - Mountain (Full-Art Zendikar version)

Ah, yes, the full-art Zendikar lands that I love to hate so much. In this game, Mountains are a card that a ton of decks need because they let you cast all your other spells. For this reason, the makers of the game have printed a lot of functionally-identical Mountains over the years, and most can be had very cheaply. This is fun because you can fill out your deck with the Mountains whose art you find the prettiest. However, most Magic players have horrible taste, and so they think, "These limited-edition Zendikar Mountains have art over the entire card, so they must be the best!" These players are willing to pay a premium for these collectible cards. In reality, the art on these is only so-so (what part of those floating rocks even vaguely resembles a mountain?) and, ironically, their status as a collectors' item means that everyone uses them, so people pay more money to make their decks less unique.

As much as I loathe the trend of people "blinging out" their decks with things that are not actually better, I have to admit that it is what I am doing with my own life these days, in the sense that I am working for money and not really enjoying my life or spending my money. Just like the players who collect these lands as a status symbol, I am collecting money as a status symbol, and I don't really know why. I see this trend continuing in the near future.



You - Glassdust Hulk
Lonely goon smash! The limitations of Magic cards as a divination tool are making themselves clear as glass to me by now, but I'm committed, so let's continue.

Like the scarecrow before it, this is an artifact card, meaning it has no color of its own. The fact that this card even functionally cares about artifacts suggests a theme - I need to bring a little color into my life. In Magic lore, artifacts tend to flavorfully be robots and other mindless automatons, and so perhaps this card is also suggesting that I need to be a little more assertive.

In a slightly more insidious sense, the fact that this card is empowered by other artifacts could reflect me being so jealous of the romantic success of other people that I root for them to become failures, just like me. I have never been someone who is very good at finding joy in the happiness of other people, and I could see this card serving as a warning. However, I have authority in this matter; should I choose not to be like the Glassdust Hulk, I may simply cycle him away in favor of something else.



Hopes/Fears - Beast Within

This card perfectly encapsulates both my hopes and my fears as they relate to this issue. I fear that I become an animal in my treatment of women, and I don't want to be like Reddit PUAs who think that women need masculine men to swoop down and tell them what they want. And yet, I've had the most success when I was assertive and moved on girls quickly, and I want a girl who will help me to feel the same primal abandon that I had with that girl I dated two years ago. It's so tough; how do I express confidence without being a creep? How important is sex? Straddling the line between platonic respect and bestial abandon is something that concerns me, and I'm reminded of a song lyric:

"Fools rush in where wise men never go.
But wise men never fall in love, so how are they to know?"



Surroundings - Citanul Flute

"Citanul" is a word that appears on a few cards from the Urza's Saga expansion, mostly animals and druids, suggesting that this card is flavorfully a flute that summons natural beasts and was created by caretakers of nature. "Citanul" is also the world "lunatic" spelled backwards, but it doesn't make sense to me why a faction of druids would use that word, since the natural world could hardly be described as lunatic.

In any case, I actually think this card does describe my surroundings. Rather than my surroundings being other people, they are a musical instrument that I stare down at. This makes sense, as I spend more time making music on an average day than I do talking to other people. The sight of looking down at an instrument is one I find quite familiar. I don't mind the lack of human interaction because my study of music is wonderfully fascinating and helpful to me, but it is becoming clear that this environment is not one that is particularly conducive to meeting people and falling in love. That this card summons beasts could be a callback to the last card; the more I focus on selfish personal pursuits, the more I turn into an animal. Dang, I just realized that it's another artifact as well. How deep does the rabbit hole go?



Outcome - The Iron Guardian Stirs

Well, this is ominous. Flavorfully, this guy is being summoned by the archvillain Nicol Bolas to kill all the heroes (don't ask me how I know that). The fact that this guy even looks like that Glassdust Hulk from earlier leaves no doubt in my mind; I am the Iron Guardian, and before too long, I'll be motivated to "stir" into action. This could mean falling in love again, but I will continue to be an unfeeling robot. The fact that "stirring" is an old-timey euphemism for arousal is even more ominous. Like, he looks so evil, with his downward-bent head, as if he is about to charge forward and take what he thinks is his. I don't want to be like that. This is all wrong.

UWBW posted:

Personally, I love sucking things out of a gnome's rear end. Oh, it's drugs? Well that's just icing on the cake, really.

alnilam posted:

*teaching my friend how to use a bong* you crumble the weed up a lil, then you put it in his crotch... then you put your mouth around his rear end. now get your lighter ready by his crotch, here's where the fun really begins

alnilam posted:

*me trying to use a normal bong* okay I'm lost, where the hell is the crotch and rear end??

Manifisto posted:

leprechaun: ok you caught me. I suppose now you want me to tell you where to find my pot o' gold.

me, pulling out a lighter and baggie: not so fast

Manifisto posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcjhCh3POK4

TVsVeryOwn posted:

joke_explainer posted:

Maybe some background information would be helpful. 'Shaq Uncut' is a very strange book. Part of it just talks about his life, but a vast section of it deals with his ongoing crisis starting in 1996 with a very strange organization that would follow him for years, maybe even to this day.

Shaquille O'Neal" posted:

Chapter 4

The Incident

Playing basketball at that level opened up doors I never thought existed, but it also opened me up to new threats. I felt like the biggest star there was, unstoppable, but everyone wanted their piece. Everybody wanted my name on everything, or for me to be in their commercials, everything. I was even cast as a genie in a movie that revealed national security secrets by accident, and the government had to do a massive conspiracy to remove all copies of it. Movies were far from the strangest paycheck I earned. The reason I was inspired to write this book was because of what was pitched as the strangest promotion of all, and it put me in the most frightful situation of my life.

On my schedule for the day, I was meeting with representatives from the ACC. Atlantic Coast Conference, alright, cool, wonder what they wanted? I still don't know if it was a trick all along, or the hotel just sent me to the wrong conference room, but I immediately knew something was wrong. It was just a room full of a variety of men in suits, all looking very smug. So far so normal. But as I sat down, that's when the strangeness started.

"Mr. O'Neal. I'm Jeff Cordon. Pleasure to meet you. I must say I'm surprised you agreed to the meeting, most atheletes don't see this as a relevant issue."

I replied, "Just Shaq is fine. What, the ACC? That's a very important collegiate basketball association, and basketball is one thing I know a lot about, Mr. Cordon."

Polite chuckles sounded out around the room. Cordon smiled at me.

"No,... Shaq. We're the American Circumcision Council. We promote... issues regarding circumcision in America. And we'd love for you to be the face of circumcision. We've already prepared some proposals."

I was a little confused. "What, so like, you're anti-circumcision? I'm not sure I really wanna draw down on either side of that debate, Mr. Cordon."

The room looked a little anxious all the sudden.

"Oh, no, Shaq. We're pro-circumcision. We think the ideal form of the human penis is circumcised. And you could help make that dream a reality. Did you know less people are getting circumcised every year?"

I looked around a little nervously. What? "No. No, I did not know that."

"And it's only getting worse. We could be looking at a future where every penis is trapped within a thick caul of thoroughly disturbing skin. Evolution could even lead to that caul thickening until penises are lost... forever."

"That sounds extremely unlikely, Mr. Cordon."

"It's science, Shaq."

I made to stand up. "Well, gentlemen, I'm afraid I just couldn't get behind this sort of thing. I would prefer less controversial topics."

"No, please! Hear us out! We'll pay billions!"

I sat dumbstruck. Billions? I was starting to think something was seriously wrong with this guy. Two of the other men quietly got up and left... then closed the door, and I heard a latch turn. I got up and went to the door, turning the knob. Locked.

"What the hell are you playing at, Cordon? Open this door immediately."

The strange businessmen shook his head slowly. "Ten billion dollars. Just tell me why you'd turn that down."

Flabberghasted, I couldn't think of much. I just said, "Well, I'm not circumcised for one. How could I be the face of circumcision if I'm not circumcised?"

Many of the men in the room covered their faces or just plain looked green. The idea of being in a room with an uncircumcised man was extremely disturbing to them, I could tell, but I was getting the heck out of this meeting. Then Cordon drew a bowie knife the size of my face from an ankle sheath, a disturbing sound of metal sliding out of the clasp.

"It's no problem. We can fix it right now. I'm very good." He moved toward me and the fight was on. I was in a struggle for survival: The survival of my dick.

alnilam posted:

Crumpet Strumpet posted:

Lizard Wizard posted:

puttin some doritos in the freezer so i can have cold doritos later

Putty posted:

I think the title of this thread should be changed because there have been quite a lot of good posts without dog crash truther

mysterious frankie posted:

I am trying to meditate, memory of a rat's big balls, please stop interfering.

please, I just need five minutes. stop appearing in my mind. no, I do not want to think about a specific rat that I saw once and his comically big balls right now. I am trying to calm my mind and recenter myself.

please stop slowly creeping in from the left to fill the void where my thoughts used to be. no, do not start spinning 360 degrees like a flat image someone is using the rotate tool on.

I admit you are hilarious. is that what you want from me? humor isn't going to help me get ready for this presentation. meditation is. please stop changing colors, variant album covers for Alice In Chains' self titled album style. you are not helping.

master trevor at the rec center never prepared me for this.

mysterious frankie posted:

many years of struggle for self mastery later, sitting cross legged in a temple on the top of a mystical meditation mountain, I wait for the guru to unveil the hidden truth. he produced a wood carving of a rat's big balls.

*freeze screen, audience laughs and claps, different still images from my life play as the credits roll. final shot is me on my death bed, grimacing with my arms crossed*

mysterious frankie posted:

master: what is the sound of one hand clapping?

me: *imagining a rat jumping rope and their big balls flopping up to hit their belly when they leap, then smacking the ground with a loud thud when they descend* uh, wait... what?

mysterious frankie posted:

me: *looks around furtively, sweating* hey, I mean, what ISN'T the sound of one hand clapping, am I right?

google THIS posted:

Luvcow posted:

my horse was never the same after that night with the stranger, always trying to slyly divert our course back towards that little prairie town, staring stoically off into the distance when we stopped to rest for the night. we grew distant from each other, me not wanting to think that one night meant anything more than a conciliatory gesture of honoring another man's culture, my horse longing for a love she once found. we parted ways in san antonio and it was years later when i was returning east that i ran across them, living on an quaint little ranch they'd built together, their hosed up looking little horse/man kids running around the fields playing.

Manifisto posted:

WindmillSlayer posted:

WHY DOES THIS NEVER END

FutonForensic posted:

we're all having a good time, sitting on the floor. suddenly chet comes in.

"wife's boyfriend comin'!"

we drop our gamecube controllers and scatter. pizza on paper plates and bottles of cheerwine go flying. I cower under the greasy pizza box, pretending I'm solid snake to feel brave. It's no use; my wife's boyfriend greets me immediately. "Hey Dillon, I just got my Hyundai Elantra waxed. I'm going to give your wife a ride over to Applebees, wanna come with?" I internally make the MGS guard alert sound

google THIS posted:

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

There are no good posts without dogcrash truther. In the spirit of a good meme that makes you laugh in the face of the absurdities of modern society, here are some random facts about the dog crash of 2007.

A. The first crash occurred at night.

B. The second crash occurred at 1:30 AM.

C. The final crash happened at 11 AM, after a dog called 911 to find out what was wrong.

D. The 911 was silent and the caller did not mention dogs.

E. The owner of the vehicle that was wrecked has an alibi.

F. It was not the fourth car in the convoy that smashed through the gate on its own.

G. The vehicle that was wrecked did not belong to a person who wanted to die from a car accident.

H. The driver of the other vehicle is a woman who just so happens to be a "sheriff's daughter".

I. There was no dog on the roadway.

J. No emergency is called.

K. No police officers on the scene.

Plant MONSTER. posted:

Garfield's been down every road

google THIS posted:

beer pal posted:

whereas dune is a claustrophobic thriller where the protagonists are menaced by just a single dune, the sequel, dunes, has us on the dunes' home turf, surrounded by dunes on all sides

FutonForensic posted:

Oscar-winning film where i want to gently caress mr peanut but i got a nut allergy

joke_explainer posted:

cda is a national comedy treasure

google THIS posted:

google THIS posted:

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

FutonForensic posted:

Manifisto posted:

each day come matins I arise and with open hand thrust a tome upon the nightstand. 'tis the aeneid and I forthwith commence a pantomime of the maneuvers of the hero, aeneas.

Manifisto posted:

me: wow that was some amazing stuff at the seance. girl you freaky wit dat ectoplasm. let's do that again.

me: havent heard from u but still wow we had a moment didn't we. tag me back yo?

me: not sure this ouija board workin, it's been three weeks. girl what plane of existence u on?

me: just watched that old movie with the clay pottery scene, gave me a mood, come on girl let's make a pitcher

me: it's our anniversary lol, went to the graveyard and got drunk, didnt see u but thats ok

me: u up

me: