i flunked out posted:

techno cop: you have the right to remain peaceful. anyhting you do or say will be loved unconditionally. you have the right to unity, if you do not have unity, it will be assigned to you via this kandy. do you understand these rights and the respect im giving you?

shabbat goy posted:

Dear Hobo Pyro:



sincerele,y
Washing machine

FutonForensic posted:

I'm so excited to see Tiesto!! I paid a lot of money to fly out to Ibiza but it's gonna be so worth it to hear those pumping jams


Tiesto: hey guys.... not really feeling it tonight.... just thought i'd put on my favorite Mazzy Star album.... feel free to grab some wine coolers & chill. i'll be throwing in some record scratches during the songs, just to keep things fresh


♪ Faaaaaade into you ♫ *wikka wikka* ♪ Straaaange you ne-- *airhorn*

HighwireAct posted:

Piso Mojado posted:

[exitedly yelling into phone] "Tim. Tim Allen? It's your cousin Marvin. You know those new man jokes you're looking for? Well, listen to these!
[holds the receiver against thread]

st1LL_51ngl3 posted:

On reflection, swimmers really aren't so different from us. We pray to Jesus, they pray to Neptune or possibly the nameless kraken God of the tartarean depths on the full moon when the tides dredge the waters and the inky black underworld of the void spills ever closer to the surface. We both pay our taxes, only they pay theirs in pearls and the spoils of the treasure chests of those land dwellers foolish enough to flitter across the surface of the sea in their puny matchstick boats, unaware of the horrors watching them from below. We both spend a ton of free time playing Candy Crush. Really more alike than not if you think about it.

google THIS posted:

adult baby, huh? that's…kinky, I guess. *absentmindedly twirls my adult umbilical cord*

google THIS posted:

Chief Childe hesitated as he approached the remote cabin. This was going to open old boo-boos. But what choice did he have?

He found his target out back, smacking a pile of already split firewood with a toy axe. "A. B.," Childe said. "It's been a long time."

The stooped figure paused, his back still to the police chief. "What do you want?" he asked. There was an edge to his voice, and Childe knew he had to talk fast or a tantrum was likely to follow.

"I need you to help me catch the Daycare Killer."

A. B. laughed, finally turning to face his old boss. His matted beard was damp. Could it be...milk? "You need my help? Why me?"

"None of the other officers can do what you do," said Childe. "I need a man on the inside. No, more than that, I need a baby. I need Adult Baby."

"You kicked me off the force," said A. B. "Made me turn in my name tag. Told me I was a loose squirtgun."

"And now I'm telling you you're the only man for the job...And the only baby."

"I don't do that anymore, chief."

"Bullshit," Childe snapped.

"Poopy," A. B. corrected.

"Fine then, poopy. You think I can't hear that diaper crinkling under those jeans? Think I can't smell the stink of formula around this hovel of yours? No, you're still Adult Baby. You may have left the playpen but the playpen hasn't left you. And right now we need you. This city needs you."

A. B. pouted for a moment. Then his lips parted in a wide smile, his eyes crossed, and he giggled idiotically. Childe waited patiently for him to refocus. Finally A.B. said, "Maybe we should discuss this over a bottle of Similac?"

"No worries," said Childe, tossing A. B. a baby bottle. "I brought one. Shaken, not stirred?"

"You know me so well," said A. B., taking a drink. "Now let's give that killer a long, long nap."

Luvcow posted:

*basketball bounces in slow motion off of great white sharks nose and miraculously bounces into the hoop just as time expires, scoreboard shows that Amity Island wins the game by 1 point*

Becky: "omg Jaws 5 we did it! we won the big game!"

*visiting teams coach slams his clipboard down on the ground in disgust as the enormous shark begins flapping around on the floor snapping its mouth shut on various visiting players, blood begins spraying from their injuries and coating the floor*

Travis: "Becky we did it!"

*spray of blood almost makes Travis slip and fall as he runs to his big sister Becky to give her a hug, behind him Jaws slides easily across the gym floor and consumes yet another person, credits begin to roll as the camera pans out, Chumbawumba's Tubthumper begins to play as the screen fades to black*

Music Theory posted:

Samuel L. Jackson: Welcome back, Godot.

loquacius posted:

*stands on sidewalk corner leaning against wall* Psst. Hey. Hey kid. Kid. You want some breakfast? *holds out tantalizing baggie of chopped celery sticks* First meal is free. You want more, you come find me. I got that Jimmy D, I got that Special K, I got Two Scoops, I got Snap Crackle Pop, anything you need. Most important meal of the day, son.

Manifisto posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czr7Uoeu5sM

mysterious frankie posted:

A POINT BY POINT EXPLANATION OF WHY ALL THE REASONS I WAS FIRED FROM THE GAS STATION ARE BULLSHIT

1: let my friend Cody live there at night: Cody and I go way back and so I gotta do the guy a solid (samurai outlaw code of honor, look it up in the school of the autodidacts, i.e. The Internet) and after all those times Cody broke in and stole fifth avenue bars and toilet paper it was pretty obvious that we needed night security. it killed two birds with one stone! but apparently if you don't have a management degree from College Among The Redwoods like Steve you're not qualified to make decisions that can save the company potential millions.

2. shorted out the electrical system while trying to hang Mensa certification: a professional should be able to hang proof of their accreditation in their place of business. duh. even my grandfather has a Worlds Best Grandpa certificate, framed, on the wall of his den. so why can't I? people should know that when I overhear their conversations and give them life advice that it's coming from a well of deep insight, so it's not my fault Steve did not provide a stud finder with the deep scan function I would have needed to detect the wiring in the exact spot I was hammering the nail? I ASKED FOR THIS DEVICE WEEKS IN ADVANCE! also apparently I hung it in front of the sign to that says what year you have to have been born in if you want smokes and booze. whatever man. that's a bullshit law anyways and babies should be allowed to drink.

3. smoked a lot of meth all the time in the bathroom: uh... they were lab chemicals. from a lab. you know, where scientists are from??? it's not called doing drugs; it's called being physically & recreationally addicted to cuttting edge nootropics, look them up and get educated before the next time you act like a mega dick and freak a guy out who is just starting to peak on his brain enhancing ochre powder.

4. beat up my stepdad in the parking lot: ok yeah this one I have to cop to.

in summation, President Obama, this whole thing is bullshit so please call Steve and tell him to give me my job back. thank you and may you be blessed by your own rationality.

respectfully,
Brian Stopka, esq (iq 164, https://www.freetests.org certified)

Try Juno Free internet today and find out what millions of Cambodians are talking about! https://www.juno.com

Ahundredbux posted:

help I wrote my own wife and she came to life and won't stop nagging me about my cliché portrayal of women

Manifisto posted:

weekend progressing nicely . . .