Splatmaster posted:

Abbott: How'd the man die?

Costello: Nuttin'.

Abbott: So nothing killed him? He's dead, how did he die?

Costello: Nuttin' killed him.

Abbott: Surely SOMETHING killed him? What was his cause of death?

Costello: Nuttin'. He died from N U T T I N'

Abbott: Alright, that's enough of that, gimmee the report *reads death certificate*

Costello: See? It says "nuttin", right dere *points at report*

Abbott: Ok, Mr Smart Guy, then who's on first?

Costello: Not dis guy!

FutonForensic posted:

Let me have your attention for a moment. So you’re talking about what? You’re talking about, bitching about that word you misspelled, some son of a bitch that doesn’t want to score "titty" as a word, somebody that doesn’t know what word you’re spelling, some tile you’re trying to play and so forth. Let’s talk about something important.

Are they all here? Well, I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important. Put that tile down. Tiles are for Scrabblers only. Do you think I’m loving with you? I am not loving with you. I’m here from downtown. I’m here from Milton and Bradley. And I’m here on a mission of mercy. Your name’s Levene? You call yourself a Scrabbler, you son of a bitch? The good news is you’re fired. The bad news is you’ve got, all you got, just one week to regain your high scores, starting tonight. Starting with tonight’s game of Scrabble.

Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. ‘Cause we’re adding a little something to this month’s game of Scrabble. As you all know, first prize is a Scrabble: Bible Edition. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize is a set of Scrabble score sheets. Third prize is you’re fired.

You get the picture? You’re laughing now? You got tiles. Milton and Bradley paid good money. Think of words and spell them. You can't spell words with the tiles you're given, you can’t spell poo poo, you are poo poo, hit the bricks pal and beat it ’cause you are going out.

"The tiles are weak." loving tiles are weak? You’re weak. I’ve been playing this game fifteen years. You brought a Scrabble: Pocket Edition here tonight, I brought Scrabble Platinum Edition with Rotating Board. That’s my game. And you can’t play in a man’s game. You can’t win them. And you go home and go to your wife and play Trouble. Because only one thing counts in this life. Lay down tiles in a row on the board. You hear me, you loving Scrabblers? A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-cheating. Always be cheating!

RazzleDazzleHour posted:

"Okay Dennis, we just need to perform a couple of small tests."

"And then I'll be free to go?"

"Of course. As you know, you're suspected of being a Replicant, so we need to make sure you're really human. Otherwise...we can't exactly let you leave here. Surely, you understand."

"Yeah...yeah, okay."

"Don't worry, you just need to do what comes naturally, okay?"

"Okay."

"Great. Here, take this."

"What is this, a cell phone?"

"Yeah, it's a cell phone."

"What, uh...okay..."

[cell phone starts ringing]

"..."

"..."

"Aren't you going to answer the phone, Dennis?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Uh...yeah."

"Alright Dennis, you're free to go."

"Wait, aren't there more tests?"

"Well, usually there are, but you passed this one so convincingly that I'm absolutely certain you're human."

"Oh, uh, cool. Well...goodbye I guess."

"Goodbye Dennis."

Finger Prince posted:

Oh, my, God Becky, look at that box
It is so big, it looks like
One of those byob guys' girlfriends.
But, ya know, who understands those byob guys?
They only talk to it, because,
It looks like a total shipping container, 'kay?
I mean, the box, is just so big
I can't believe it's just so square, it's like out there
I mean gross, look
She's just so, beige

I like big box and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a box slides in with a corrugated lid
And a square shape in your face
You get sprung, want to pull up tough
'Cause you notice that box was stuffed
Deep in the shrink wrap its wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I want to get wit'cha
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But with that lid you got makes (me so horny)
Ooh, cardboard-smooth-skin
You say you want to get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average crate, see
I've seen her stackin'
To hell with romancin'
She's a square, crate
Got it goin' like modular freight
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' boxboards are the thing
Take the average man and ask him that
She gotta pack and stack
So, fellas (yeah) Fellas (yeah)
Is your girlfriend a huge box? (hell yeah)
Tell 'em to ship it (ship it) ship it (ship it)
Ship that sturdy box
Baby got box (FedEx face with the UPS booty)

Baby got box (FedEx face with the UPS booty)

I like 'em square, and big
And when I'm throwin' a gig
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal
Now here's my scandal
I want to get you home
And ugh, triple-wall, ugh, ugh
I ain't talkin' bout Amazon
'Cause single ply boxes are made for toys
I want 'em real thick and sturdy
So find that sturdy double
Mix-a-Lot's in trouble
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble wrap
So I'm lookin' at box videos
Crushed corner bimbos saggin' like hoes
You can have them bimbos
I'll keep my boxes like Flo Jo
A word to the thick cardboard boxes, I want to get with ya
I won't cuss or hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I want to pack
Til the break of dawn
Baby got it goin' on
A lot of simps won't like this song
'Cause them punks like to ship it and quit it
And I'd rather stay and play
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the shipment on
So, boxes (Yeah) boxes (Yeah)
If you want to role in my Mercedes Sprinter (Yeah)
Then turn around, fill it up
Even bag boys got to shout
Baby got box

Baby got box
Yeah, baby, when it comes to boxes
Amazon ain't got nothin'
To do with my selection
176-176-176? Ha ha, only if she's 4'0".

So your girlfriend rolls a GM, packing tape by 3M
But 3M ain't got a triple wall box with lid in the back of her GM
My anaconda don't want none
Unless you've got volume, hon
You can do side bends or lid-folds
But please don't lose that cube
Some brothers want to play that hard role
And tell you that the box ain't gold
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So Packworld says you're flat
Well I ain't down with that
'Cause your waist is square and your angles are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'
To the boxboard crates in the magazines
You ain't it, Miss Thing
Give me a triple wall box, I can't resist it
Packing peanuts and foam didn't miss it
Some knucklehead tried to dis
'Cause his boxes are on my list
He had game but he chose to flatten 'em
And I pull up quick to get wit 'em
So boxes, if the shape is square,
And you want a triple X get tare,
Dial 1-900-MIXALOT
And kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got box

Baby got box

Finger Prince posted:

FutonForensic posted:

FutonForensic posted:

TVsVeryOwn posted:

lost my old email posted:

Bo-Pepper posted:

Korean Boomhauer posted:

Manifisto posted:

cda posted:

he looks like this:

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

artist's interpretation

nut posted:

Barco Fiesta posted:

his bod is sweaty, bed soft, blanket's heavy
he brushed his teeth and laid down already, time for beddy

Barco Fiesta posted:

Snap back to reality, way too much gravity
Oh, what a tragedy bro
It's so blankety, can't take it back cause he lost
the receipt when he drove his car back from the store,
it don't matter, his sheets are more wet than before,
he's so damp that he knows, when he goes back to the Costco, that's when it's
Back to the lab again yo, this whole rhapsody
He better go return this blanket and hope it don't smash him

You better lose yourself in the blanket, it's weighted
You bought it, and now your sinking through the floor
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to go
to the bathroom before you get under the blanket

You better lose yourself in the blanket, it's weighted
You bought it, and now youre skining through the floor
I'm serious, listen, do not miss your chance to go
to the bathroom before you get trapped under the blanket

Heather Papps posted:

i told my gf i wanted to be a poet and she took a pic then made a meme, posted it to instagram, and now she has a netflix show called "my ex bf is a dumb loving idiot piece of poo poo"

Goons Are Great posted:

FutonForensic posted:

Squizzle posted:

ጽ
ጨ


ጹ
ጨ


ጺ
ጨ


ጸ
ጩ


ጸ
ጪ

oh no my beak fell off

Drink-Mix Man posted:

The year is 2069. Weeks before I even think about watching women's volleyball, a precog wakes up in a tank, gasps, and sends two blue balls down a chute with my fantasies encoded on them to a detective at PreCum headquarters.

Finger Prince posted:

Joey McChrist posted:

me talking to a broom closet: now anyone that tells you masturbation ruins your eyesight is a goddamn liar and a prude. any questions?

mop clatters to the floor

me: you, the tall blonde kid

cda posted:

nut posted:

cop holding me down: ...you have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, our very best public defender, Pagliacci, will be provided for you.

me: but officer

Heather Papps posted:

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

May god have mercy on my soul.

vanisher posted:

DOPE FIEND KILLA G posted:

alas, your dick! i blew him well, felatio

nut posted:

worst playground game imo

vanisher posted:

https://i.imgur.com/S3Ha03U.mp4

Drink-Mix Man posted:

Meanwhile in another universe

vanisher posted:

owlhawk911 posted:

the devil posted in byob, he was looking for a soul to steal
he offered whistlin and ventriloquism but he didn't offer any good deals
well he came across a poster, posting "my dudes" in the wednesday thread
and he tapped away at his keyboard, a clatterin sound to wake the dead

"i bet you didn't know it, but i'm a poster too"
"i post the most from coast to coast, and i can post better than you"
"now you post a pretty good thread, boy, and i'm glad you're having fun"
"how bout postin with the devil, and we'll see who's number one?"

well that poster said "no way man, that's totally unchill"
"i'm posting just for love of the game, i do it for the thrill"
"the wednesday frog, my posting pals, that chill-rear end hammock cat"
he said "if you like to post man, why don't you just do that?"

well the devil fumed and the devil spat, and he called that poster a nerd
but the poster smiled and tipped his hat, and typed out "haha, word?"
the devil kept on posting but he was starting to feel ill
everyone knows how this story goes, the devil had zero chill. OH

postin on the forums, having fuuuuuun
goin outside to chill in the suuuuuun
whatever comes to your heeeeead
comedy sixer when you go to beeeeed

well the devil learnt his lesson, or so i like to think
he decided fire and brimstone made quite an awful stink
he threw down his pitchfork, he let some imps take charge
and now he posts in lavender and teal where the posters quest for marge

nut posted:

Khanstant posted:

nut posted:

what if it's a mouse

Khanstant posted:

Prof. Crocodile posted:

This post is not necessarily laugh-out-loud funny, but there is so much right about it that I think it belongs here.

Macnult posted:

“...how about now?”

“you had it right the first time”

Stoner Sloth posted:

because he got grilled at work today

The Klowner posted:

Santa's Journal. December 24th, 1985:

Black soot in chimney this morning, yule logs on burnt hearth. This town is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended Christmas trees and the trees are full of hope and when the presents finally arrive, all the children will frown. The accumulated coal of all their naughtiness will build up about their waists and all the boys and girls will look up and shout "Put us on the nice list!"...

...and I'll look down, and whisper "ho."

BlueDekuNuts posted:

Tune in on the adventures of Snowball and V̶̝̐̀͟͟͝O̷̵҉̢̭͚̜̠ͫͣ͐͢͟͢͠͞͝I҉̡̯̺̜̅́͋̃͢͜D҉̣͍̓̎͗͜͜M̶̶҉̳͈̺͟͢͠͠ͅA҉҉̦̣̤͔̟̩̋̿̏ͦ̈́̍͟͠Ṡ̷̢̫̞̻͈͋͛̓̅͜͜͜͠͠͠T҉̘͙͖̠̓ͦ͑̄͜͜͟͞E҉̰̰͎̆͞R̴҉̷̨̖̮̉͑ͯ̑̋͟͠