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Hirayuki posted:Tom Waits is responsible for both "Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends" and "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." That last one is from Dorothy Parker, iirc
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Jun 12, 2022 09:15
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Jedit posted:It can't be directly translated, but the meaning is conveyed by "I hate people who use idioms. They should knock it off." I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!
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Jun 12, 2022 14:40
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Abugadu posted:That last one is from Dorothy Parker, iirc I’m a loving moron because I thought it was just the title of a fall out boy song
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Jun 12, 2022 17:45
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Kuiperdolin posted:Two murderers have escaped from prison so police set road blocks on a perimeter. At one of them police men stop two Italians in a car. The Italians ask why they stopped them, the police man says we're looking for two murderers. Thank you for this. I told this to my Italian mother and we had a real good laugh.
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Jun 12, 2022 21:16
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What's the best place to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow...
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Jun 14, 2022 18:44
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Hirayuki posted:Tom Waits is responsible for both "Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends" and "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." And the first one goes back to at least 1838.
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Jun 15, 2022 02:14
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drat, I knew Tom Waits was an old gently caress but I didn't realize he was that old.
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Jun 15, 2022 03:09
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(Fran Drescher voice, to the tune of Push It): Oh Mister SHEFfield! M-Mister SHEFfield!
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Jun 15, 2022 23:12
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Hyperlynx posted:(Fran Drescher voice, to the tune of Push It): I don't see how this is a joke, and yet I still laughed. 
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Jun 15, 2022 23:21
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Rupert Buttermilk posted:I don't see how this is a joke, and yet I still laughed.  I honestly couldn't think of anywhere else to put it
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Jun 15, 2022 23:29
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Hyperlynx posted:
That’s what he said
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Jun 17, 2022 20:33
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A joke of two cities: Hvad er forskellen mellem Ringsted og Thisted? Du kan ringe fra Ringsted til Thisted, men du ka ikke tisse fra Thisted til Ringsted. What's the difference between Ringsted and Thisted? You can make a call from Ringsted to Thisted, but you can't piss from Thisted to Ringsted
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Jun 17, 2022 21:01
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Jeg er godt nok ikke Lars Larsen, men jeg kan godt få dig til at se dyner alligevel.
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Jun 17, 2022 22:18
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I always say it's better to be a smart feller than a fart smeller
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Jun 20, 2022 19:37
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A while ago the aliens landed on Earth and decided to visit the pope. The pope said: "I am here to represent Jesus Christ. Have you heard of him?" "Yeah, Jesus, nice dude. We know him well. Nice you're friends too. Space is so small, really. Jesus is this friendly man who visits us every year to see if we're okay." "What?" the pope says, "Jesus would return to Earth some time but we've been waiting for 2000 years and he's still not returned. And he visits you every year?" "Yes", the alien leader says, "maybe it's because our chocolate is much better than yours." The pope replies: "What has chocolate got to do with it?" "Well," says the alien, "when Jesus visited our world for the first time, we gave him a box of our best chocolates. What did you guys give him?"
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Jul 5, 2022 07:04
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Thought of this while falling asleep, sorry in advance Who helped marry Word and Excel? Microsoft Officiant
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Jul 5, 2022 15:36
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Can you imagine if a species of fruit existed that was yellow, curved, and peelable? That would be bananas.
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Jul 5, 2022 17:54
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An old married couple die within seconds of each other. As they meet again at the pearly gates, they get a go-ahead to spend their eternity together. However, as they pass St Pete, they ask a question. "Since our wedding vows claimed that it was until death did us part, are we able to have a second wedding here in heaven?" St Pete blinks, tells them he'll ask, and ushers them on their way. An incredibly long time later, he meets up with them again and confirms, yes, they can have a second wedding. "Oh, that's great news! But we've been thinking, what if we meet someone better suited? Like actual soulmates or the like. Would it be possible to get an amicable divorce?" St Pete turns tomato-red and starts screaming, bellowing, blasting them with curses for how cruelly they're treating him and how little they realised he suffered. "Calm down, calm down, what's got you so upset?" They ask him. "A Divorce, godsdamnit!" he shouts, "After your wedding question it took me three months to find a priest up here, you have any idea how long it's going to take to find a loving lawyer!?"
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Jul 23, 2022 09:38
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Somewhere the lock picking lawyer prepares for the ultimate video.
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Jul 23, 2022 10:44
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Splicer posted:Somewhere the lock picking lawyer prepares for the ultimate video. imagine clickspring building a vulva and then the lockpicking lawyer getting in there  this is my joke: two precolumbian south americans space docking because potatoes etc you get it
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Jul 23, 2022 11:18
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the holy poopacy posted:drat, I knew Tom Waits was an old gently caress but I didn't realize he was that old. Tom Waits for no man.
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Jul 25, 2022 09:49
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Carthag Tuek posted:imagine clickspring building a vulva and then the lockpicking lawyer getting in there ... I do? 
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Jul 25, 2022 13:26
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egg_dog posted:Tom Waits for no man. https://youtu.be/hHa8LhCHkTI
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Jul 26, 2022 01:44
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Why do vampires never have pregnancy scares? They can't come inside without a direct invitation.
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Aug 25, 2022 06:45
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Rupert Buttermilk posted:"Lance Boyle, dermatologist." His office is in the building as Drew Blood's hematology clinic
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Aug 25, 2022 15:42
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And the apparently real Dr. A. Cockburn, urologist.
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Aug 25, 2022 16:24
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Theres also Dr. Kid (née Stone) nephrologist.
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Aug 25, 2022 16:36
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Did you hear about the cross-eyed mohel? He got the sack.
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Aug 25, 2022 16:53
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How big do you have to be to carry Rick Astley? Big enough to not let him down, not so big that you can run around.
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Aug 26, 2022 14:01
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inspired by Fauxton in the Bitcoin (or Tesla - I forget) thread Did you hear about the latest Crypto Cyber attack? They send you an NFT of an animated horses head. When you interact with it in your wallet it drains your crypto. Just goes to show, you shouldn't look a .GIF horse in the mouth.
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Sep 7, 2022 08:13
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did you hear about the neurotic rastafarian? he had existential dreads 
dee eight has a new favorite as of 16:43 on Sep 14, 2022 |
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Sep 14, 2022 16:39
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What's a racist Disney fan's least favorite font? Arial Black.
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Sep 20, 2022 13:56
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Zemyla posted:What's a racist Disney fan's least favorite font? 
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Sep 21, 2022 18:14
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Where does Pete Davidson like to take Kim K's kids to? Cucky Yeeze (credit to neato burrito for the punchline of course)
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Oct 26, 2022 02:25
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WarpedNaba posted:An old married couple die within seconds of each other. As they meet again at the pearly gates, they get a go-ahead to spend their eternity together. However, as they pass St Pete, they ask a question. A similar joke to this. (The one I will tell is about cricket, but you can use whatever sport you are best aquainted with). God and the Devil are having their weekly Thursday afternoon chat over tea and biscuits. And somehow the topic of sports comes up. The Devil suggests that they have a nice friendly game of cricket between Heaven and Hell. God says "Sure. But I have to warn you, we will clearly win. I mean, we have all the greats up here, WG Grace, Bradman, Keith Miller, Ranjitsinjhi, Rodney Marsh etc. There is no way you can beat us." The Devil replies with "That may be true, but I have all the Umpires."
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Oct 26, 2022 02:47
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Le Faye Morgaine posted:Where does Pete Davidson like to take Kim K's kids to? With West being dropped by Gap and Adidas it really looks like a case of... Yeezy come, Yeezy go. (Someone else came up with this, too. However, my brain is trash and I cannot recall whom)
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Oct 26, 2022 07:16
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Ever hear about the guy who left his homeland in China and moved to Mazatlán in order to practice Voodoo? He was a Sino-Loan Sinaloan.
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Nov 3, 2022 05:10
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What do you call a double-jointed turtle? A contortoise
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Nov 14, 2022 23:11
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Did you hear about the guinea pig who had to stay home for several days due to laryngitis? He had a pretty quiet wheek.
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Feb 22, 2023 18:43
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What do you get if you cross a speedrunner with a drag queen? Sequins breaks
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Mar 8, 2023 11:09
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