Gaunab posted:

quote:

Oh my god you're right.
I told him this ten minutes ago. He knows that I reddit (he's a redditor too), and when I brought this up in the first place I told him that I asked reddit for advice and showed him the original thread. It's the main reason why we ended up going to therapy in the first place. He was actually the one who suggested that I update you all on the situation.
After I told him that someone could just Google berth ell pup and find the phrase in this thread, he looked me in the eye and said "That's so loving hot."
When he goes to work I'm leaving. He'll find this post eventually but I don't care. I need a few days to cool off and reconsider my options. He's ill. He needs serious help and I think I'm going to call his brother to tell him (without specifics). I texted my aunt already and she'll be here to pick me up with a moment's notice

quote:

Throwaway because he knows my reddit account.

Some backstory: I've been dating Dan for two years. He is a single father of an eight year old boy, Levi. Dan is disabled since a car accident in his youth, and receives disability. Both Dan and his brother got substantial trust funds from the death of their father. I don't know the details, but they receive some money month to month, but can't "take up" from the overall amount. This is important because in July, Dan had several emergency home repairs that left him broke. I pitched in and bought Levi's back to school clothing, paid for new safety glasses so he could play sports, and paid for his club memberships. (None of this I regret)

Dan's brother, Matthew, lives in a small apartment so he survives on his inheritance. He has never held a job, has very few friends. Most of his time is spent online or playing video games. I dislike him, as I find him abrasive and rude.

Every Wednesday, Dan, Levi and I have an early dinner, and I take Levi to Boy Scouts. My gym is right across the street, so I work out, pick Levi up afterwards and give him a ride home. Yesterday, Matthew joined us for dinner, and conversation started about how Dan had once gone on a road trip to a Spring Break hot spot with some buddies.
Matthew started complaining that he had never been on a road trip, or been to Spring Break. At this point, Levi tries to pipe in saying he didn't get to go on a rollercoaster this year. Matthew lashed out at Levi for this, and for some reason Dan was laughing about his brother yelling at his son in the restaurant, and Levi started crying. I had been quiet through all this but decided to take Levi and leave early.
When I brought Levi home, I went to use the bathroom. While there, I could hear Matthew and Dan in the game room, laughing about how they were going to "get shitfaced every morning and laid every night". I walk in to find them salivating over a Girls Gone Wild type video from a beach. They are slightly drunk. They start immediately telling me how they were going on a vacation over Christmas and New Years, a full six weeks, driving to various party spots down south. Matthew is grinning that Dan will teach him to "pick up sluts". I'm just sort of standing agape through this.

I ask what they will do with Levi. "Dump the brat at his grandmothers!" Is Matthews immediate response, then Dan explains I will have to watch Levi for his two weeks back in school after winter vacation. This is where I lose it, and say I'm not going to watch Levi. Moreover, this is a selfish move, as Levi hadn't gone to an amusement park this year (he was looking forward to being tall enough to ride a rollercoaster) and hasn't been on a vacation ever.

Dan gets angry and says that I can't guilt him into not going. They had already put money down on the trip for a few nights at various resorts. I'm furious, as I just had to pay for his kids essentials, that he spent money on something like that.
At this point, Matthew starts yelling at me that I'm a bitch and his brother should dump me, calling me all sorts of names. I respond that it's not a relationship I want to be in considering that he is actively planning a trip to cheat on me, and I head down to the bedroom to pack my stuff. Both Matthew and Dan are following me, Dan saying I'm overreacting, Matthew calling me names. I pack, turn and get really nasty at this point. I say no girls gone wild type is going to want to hook up with a bunch of broke, fat losers with no life.

Dan yells at me to leave, and Levi comes running out of his room and begging his dad not to break up with me. This switches me from anger to tears, but his dad demands I get out.
I woke up this morning to apologetic texts, mostly saying that I misunderstood that they weren't BOTH going to have sex, just Matthew. He said Matthew only yelled and insulted me because he was drunk, and that he planned to get Matthew to apologize. Then he promised he would take Levi to a Halloween thing at an amusement park one weekend. He keeps saying how important I am to Levi. But, the trip with his brother is still on.

I dont plan to respond and want out, but my friends are saying a breakup is an overreaction. They say I shouldn't get between brothers and this has nothing to do with me.
Am I way out of line?

tl;dr. Boyfriend and brother planned long vacation, saying they were going to have sex with other women. Paid money despite having recently needed to borrow money from me. Totally disregarded his son. My friends think I should take him back.

quote:

I've tried online dating, nightclubs, yoga classes, etc.... Not having any luck anywhere. I'm below average in the looks department but I think it's more than that. My social skills are terrible, and I have no friends to go out with. What are the best environments right now for me to start putting myself out there without being immediately rejected?
TL;DR- No dating experience, women hate me.

Regulation Size posted:

quote:

Me and my husband currently live in St. Paul. MN; we moved from Altamonte Springs, FL for my husband's job. Newlyweds, been married 3 months now. We have a 2-year-old son. My husband has told me last night "I'm going to quit my customer service job in tech, providing software support, to try and make it big in Hollywood." He said I had to come and that this was non-negotiable and said I could easily get a job in Hollywood.

My husband insisted he wanted to get back into acting after years away from it, said "I always wanted to be on a big-budget film, DC Comics, whatever, maybe even a Captain America film. I need the money and this is the only way to do so. People tell me i'm a good actor.". I can't help worrying, it'll be our third move if this happens, my husband's been trying to find out where the major parties are held in Los Angeles/Hollywood and California in order to meet who he needs. He said "I absolutely need to move to Los Angeles, and we do. Better than here which is cold, gray and not so fun anymore. LA will offer us everything we need; better schools, better jobs, more opportunities."
Would i even be able to get a job in Hollywood? (I work as a carer/nurse at a day center for adults who have Down's Syndrome, and have done so for two years). We moved back to Minnesota to be closer to my family (my husband's from Altamonte Springs originally). Is there any way I can give him a reality check on this, what it's like to work in Hollywood etc., how much it'd cost to get an agent , etc.?? He said "I'll do any role, even if it's a lovely one, I need the money." I'm torn between trying to be a supportive wife and worrying about money woes; how long would it take for my husband to be successful? I need advice and don't know what to do.
ETA: Husband has acting experience, but on local level, he was in theater from ages 13 to 21. Not professionally... but he was involved in it back in Florida.
TLDR; Husband wants to quit his job and start working full-time in Hollywood as an actor. Worried over money.

Adventure Pigeon posted:

I liked this one

loquacius posted:

How does the kind of guy who gets divorced over cheating 5 times in his life manage to find 6 women who are willing to marry him

KomodoWagon posted:

Except he was right. He's trying to give his kid some perspective so she doesn't grow up convinced she's hot poo poo, albeit failing because she thinks getting an A on an exam is some kind of superhuman feat of intelligence. Can't be as smart as she thinks if she missed her deadlines.

I'm pretty impressed by how many people are calling this sad and abusive. You're not supposed to constantly tell your kids "Ohh, you're so smart and amazing and great" all the time. It turns them into lazy assholes. The way I read it, she thought she was the coolest thing ever, then messed up, and is now whining on Reddit like a sadbrains because her dad was absolutely right about her.

Chomp8645 posted:

You can totally do this you just have to have an easy major.

Sorry engineers. Either pass classes or have fun, not both.

quote:

Over the past year my SO got a new job, this is a high stress job and I don't think he's been handling it very well. I have noticed that he's been slowly increasing how much he's been drinking since he got this position. There is a local bar/pub within walking distance to our apartment, we go there frequently. But, what use to be a 1-2x a week venture, is now 3-4x a week.

We were at this local bar 2 nights ago, I had to use the ladies room and asked my SO to watch my purse while I was gone. When I came back he was no where to be found. My purse was lying out, my new phone was laying beside it, not to mention I had valuables in my purse. I sat back down and was waiting for him, he reappeared about 10 min later. I asked him why he just left my items out like that when I asked him to watch it for an entire 2-3 min that I'd be gone. His response was basically no harm, no foul (nothing was stolen, fortunately). I explained that if I ask him to do something, and he agrees to do it, then he needs to follow through. I also explained that if he didn't want to watch my things he was free to say no and I'd take my things with me. We were both irritated but eventually decided to drop it.

Then the weirdness started. After his first drink he brought up our argument again and how I sounded mean when asking him "why didn't you watch my purse." I apologized if I sounded angry/mean, but I was frustrated that he promised to do something but ended up not doing it. He then used a fake-angry voice to mock me and said "you sounded like (fake mean voice) 'why didn't you watch my purse'!?"

I asked him to just drop it, and that I'd take my things with me from now on so he wouldn't have to worry about it. We get our 2nd drink, he mocks me again, this time using a slightly more aggressive mean voice when saying "why didn't you watch my purse?!" This pattern continues, every now and then he'll repeat that question and each time he uses a more and more aggressive voice. It gets to the point where he uses extreme sounding voices.. like when someone pretends to speak as if they are a demon or satan. Like a demonic sounding voice you'd hear from some cheesy 80's show - think Dr Claw's voice from Inspector Gadget.

I was speechless for awhile. I asked him to drop it, he wouldn't. I got fed up and told him he was overreacting to the situation, that I didn't sound like a demon, and he was being incredibly immature about a stupid request that he failed to fulfill. He got angry. The bartender, someone who is also a mutual friend, heard me say he's overreacting and saw him getting angry. She even told my SO that he needed to calm down, that it's okay and he doesn't have to get angry. He got pissed for being told to "calm down" and stormed out of the bar without paying. I was stuck with the bill and I was too pissed off to deal with this poo poo. So, I sat there and finished my beer. I figured he walked back to the apartment.

The bartender seemed concerned about me. She asked if I was okay and agreed with me that he was starting to get loud and out of line. I eventually finish my beer, maybe 20-30 min later. I walk outside and he's standing there waiting for me. This time he looks really, really sad. He says to me "I was hoping you would run after me after I left the bar." I'm standing there like wtf did I just hear? I said no, we hadn't paid our bill, I wasn't finished, and you stormed out for a reason I thought was unnecessary. He started to apologize but then turned it around on me, that he was so upset that I would talk to him like that, and mocked me yet again by saying in the most horrific fake-demonic sounding voice "why didn't you watch my purse?"

I was tired, didn't haven't any comebacks, and I just felt drained. I just wanted him to stop mocking me. That's all I wanted. But, it didn't end there. We walk back to the apartment, once inside he reiterates the purse story AGAIN. And mocks me AGAIN this time using a super whiny pathetic sounding voice to say "why didn't you watch my purse?" I tell him to drop it, and he finally agrees.

I thought that was it, but yesterday morning after we got up, he goes over the same incident again, mocks me again, using a scary sounding voice. I don't respond to this. That was finally the end of it.
We've been together for nearly 6 years, met at the same university and were in the same program together. He use to be a nice, calm, rational and intelligent person. I don't recognize him anymore. Can this be saved? How do I talk to him? I don't want to end a 6 year relationship off of something so stupid and bizarre. But, I also know I never want to be mocked like that ever again.

tl;dr I asked my SO to watch my purse while I was gone, he didn't. I asked why he didn't watch my things like I asked, he said nothing was stolen so it was fine. He begins to use weird/angry/demonic sounding voices to mock me throughout the night saying "what didn't you watch my purse?" over and over again. Together 6 years, I don't want to end a relationship because of something so stupid, but I feel drained after that argument. How can I talk to him or salvage this relationship?

quote:

Background: I'm a former firefighter (CA) with PTSD. My fiancé and I have been together for seven years. We lived in New York, the incident happened in Pennsylvania.

My boyfriend and I had been residing in Queens. He worked retail while I was not healthy enough to work. I instead was in intensive treatment five days a week for physical and mental injuries suffered in the line of duty at my former career, he was my sole support. Part of my condition is intense flashbacks, anxiety, and dissassociative rage attacks. Think Toby Maguire in the movie "Two Brothers" where he's smashing the kitchen with a crowbar, PTSD is hell. In the worst of my episodes, I'd thrash in a hyperreal flashback, he'd try to hold me down to restrain me and get struck. It was terrible and I'm destroyed that I laid hands. However, this was not domestic abuse, no charges were ever filed, we always got me straight to a hospital and followed our crisis plan. Episodes were always reactive and not aggressive.

Treatment was making headway in 2015 and I was able to work in bouts. I was sexually assaulted by a coworker and completely shut down. Because I never pressed charges, he accused me of wanting it and cheating on him. We worked through it and tried to save the relationship. I was completely incapable of intimacy.

He got involved in an extracurricular activity that resembles mixed martial arts in full medieval armor (I call it extreme LARPing). In January, I had an anxiety attack, and instead of following our crisis plan, he straight hauled off and beat me senseless. We both calmed down, reconciled, no charges were filed. I took pictures. In April I had another anxiety attack, and he beat me up again to the point where I almost died. The background on that incident is that I had an anxiety attack, he tried to walk out on me, I leapt in the door crying for him not to leave, he right-crossed me hard and I grabbed onto him, I ended up grabbing his hair but I was not pulling, he forced me to the ground beating me ruthlessly as I was crying that I couldn't let go due to my body being locked in an anxiety attack, he bashed my head against cabinets, punched me, kicked me with steel-toed boots and smashed my face with a steel dog bowl. All of this locked my body in terror. He was able to end the attack by speaking in a lowered tone of voice and discontinuing his thrashing enough to let my hands relax and help me ease them out of his hair. He left and I jumped in a cab to the airport.
Immediately I got accepted into a PTSD treatment program that used Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, and it worked to eliminate symptoms over the course of three months. My boyfriend and I were in constant phone communication still trying to save our relationship. He insists that he had a right to hit me because women fight with him up at his medieval martial arts club and because I stood in the door preventing him from leaving. I have the texts. We were planning on reconciling again anyway. When treatment ended he became vicious over the phone about my return, which sent me into a suicidal depression and I ended up on an involuntary psychiatric hold. When I was released I returned to New York on my own and found another woman living with him in my apartment (they weren't there on my return). I met up with him three days later in public and confessed that I wasn't angry, and we STILL agreed to try to reconcile with time. He saw me the next day at home and we were intimate, however he became so overstressed that he quit his job and left New York to stay with family in PA. I have the texts. I remained in NYC to try to work for the last month of the lease. He came to visit me on weekends.

When the lease ended, I moved back to his hometown with my own family. He told me he was going back up to NYC one last time for a tournament and to get our belongings. He came to visit me beforehand and told me we would work on each other slowly. We texted affectionately all that night. The next morning he informed me from NY that he was bringing the other woman down to PA to live with him.

I freaked!

I admit I had a complete symptomatic mental break, I texted frantically crying and yelling, I msged her on Facebook threatening to "find her," profanities were thrown back and forth, I threatened suicide and ended up on a watch under the care of a licensed professional experienced in combat PTSD. I later apologized crying and desperate. I asked for my clothes back and he said he would "put them in a bag and throw them in the street," then he full-blocked me from all contact. I jumped in a cab and went to his house in PA to get my clothes in a panic. His brother came out threatening me, I called police and showed them pictures of the incident from April. The police had no jurisdiction and escorted me off the property. I went to his father's house to try to talk to his dad, and his brother drove there continuing to threaten me and had police escort me out of town on an illegal 24/hr ban. I explained my situation to the officer in the car and he told me he would have handled the situation differently if he knew beforehand.

Dazed and bewildered, I called his medieval martial arts club explaining (without naming him) that he'd become abusive after beginning their sport, and if they could please explain their mission statement to me. I wanted to know what they were teaching him up there that ruined our family. They wanted to expel him but I didn't name his name.

Six days later I was served with a summons for a PFA hearing. He'd attempted to file a Protection From Abuse order on me and been denied, but was granted a hearing. His sig was dated six days after the incident. He claimed that he'd left NY because I'd been physically and mentally abusive toward him in psychotic episodes and he was afraid of me, where the truth is that he left because we'd been intimate and he got overwhelmed (txt). He claims that I am mentally unstable and am not recieving treatment, though I am in treatment and have been for the last six years. We haven't been in contact for ten days. Before cutting off contact, he screamed at me that this is for "being with that scumbag Russian," and he also sent my cousin the same text that he was enraged that I had "been with that Russian." I have not returned to his house or tried to reach out to him.

What's true is that I did make written threats in the heat of the moment, but I apologized for them less than an hour later and clarified that they weren't death threats or violent and I was just very emotional and shocked. I'm still shocked. I did lay hands reactively in the heat of a PTSD episode but the last time that happened was three years ago and treatment has been working. I'm trying to have a lawyer fly out to help me Pro Hac Vice, I know he has an attorney and he's viciously trying to get me out of the picture not because he's afraid of me, but because he's mad that I called his club and so he can be with his side-project. Lawyers have assured me that he doesn't have a strong case and was even denied a PFA on the spot, but I'm still very worried and scared.

To summarize, my SO of seven years beat me, cheated on me, told me we were reconciling for months, planned to come get me, and moved in with the other woman less than 12 hours later. I couldn't handle it and broke, now he's trying to punish me for perceived infidelity and revenge.
Is he merited in his demands and will the court look favorably on him?

Gaunab posted:

That's just sad

bone app the teeth posted:

Me [27F] with my friend [27F] she was donating her old things, I could really use them and she said no. Rethinking the friendship

mind the walrus posted:

Yeah while the OP there might indeed be a shitbird her frustration over the lopsided class dynamic is understandable.

Pvt.Scott posted:

Nah, I've always been a weird, goony gently caress. I'm just better at filtering it on some days rather than others. That comment was expressly intended to be as inappropriate as possible, so go me.

Sometimes I get the hankering to write terrible prose, so I do. Then things like "Atlas Shrugs About Big Gym" happens. It's fun, for me at least.

Kid should stop being a creep and playing with his wiener while in the presence of company.


My own mental issues are why I've actively not sought out a relationship for more than six years now. I'd say it's not important at all to most people.

quote:

So basically there's this girl in my stats class I've been crushing on for about a month or so. Cute, fun, seemingly my type, the usual nine yards. I decided to ask her out on a date to a local eatery since we've been talking a decent amount in and out of class. Unfortunately, when I asked(yes, I DID use the word 'date') she got apprehensive and gave a weak maybe saying she was really short on money. When I offered to pay on her behalf, she said I shouldn't need to do that.

Well, I probably should have stopped there, right? Take the fact she was trying to let me down easy. However, I've had girls give me excuses like that before, and today for some reason I just wasn't having it. I stay polite and maintain my cool, yet I go ahead and ask her something along the lines of this: "My question really isn't are you able to, it's do you want to? If you're not able but want to we can work something out, but if you don't want to, then that's okay too."

All of a sudden she seems to kind of lock up in place and get stiff, like I've struck a chord in her or something. She then gives me this quiet kinda tense voiced, "No, I don't." response. And I just say "Well, alright, later," and part ways with her. Definitely a bit of a painful/awkward situation.

Now I totally get I got rejected. Like I'm kinda bummed but she doesn't owe me anything. But I can't help but think I may have crossed a line by not taking the hint. Is this an appropriate way to ask a gal out in general? What do you guys think?

tl;dr: I ask a girl out. She gives an excuse that she isn't able to. I ask not if she's able to, but if she wants to. Girl then gets super uncomfortable and straight up turns me down. Is this an appropriate way to get a straight answer?

Facebook Aunt posted:

Maybe those guys should buy their SO's a rabbit

Chomp8645 posted:

I don't see anything wrong with this exchange from either party.

quote:

Yes. You were incredibly rude. That sort of interaction is incredibly uncomfortable for many women because men (as a group) have a history of getting violent when they're shot down.
She was demurring and being vague and polite because that was what made her feel safe. When she "seems to kind of lock up in place and get stiff," that is you triggering her that you are potentially dangerous. That is you freaking her the gently caress out. That is her wondering if she says the wrong thing if she is going to get hurt.

Now, I get it. You're not violent. You would never hurt somebody who rejected you. But she doesn't know that. Lots of guys who have seemed reasonable have turned out not to be reasonable.
The truth is you already knew the answer. When she said she didn't want you to pay, she was telling you that she didn't want to go on a date with you. But you "weren't having it."

If you have some sort of social media contact, I would send her a short message saying, "Hey, in retrospect I recognize that was sort of an obnoxious thing for me to do, and I apologize." If you don't, let it lie unless she invites further conversation. Do not pressure her for her attention to apologize about how you pressured her.

Chomp8645 posted:

The redditor that posted this can suck my loving dick.


Also why in the world, if we take the premise that he DEEPLY TRIGGERED her at face value, would she want a follow up apology? That would just be even worse. The whole thing is best left alone at this point whether you think anyone wrong occurred or not.

quote:

So, this post will get down voted, but the reality is that she may well be telling you the truth.

Ask anybody who has spent time seeking anonymous hookups, and they'll tell you is that one of the biggest problems is that people flake. They get off on the fantasy of it, it charges them up, but they don't actually want to follow through .

It is a kind of extended role-play fantasy. This is not just true on craigslist and the like, it's something sex workers deal with all the time. A lot more people enjoy the fantasy of it than would actually consider going through with it.
Now, maybe she's not one of those people. Maybe she really did intend to cheat and decided not to because the people she was communicating with were unattractive. A
I find that unlikely (because if she wants a quick one-night stand there are easier ways for her to find an attractive guy to do that with) but we can't rule it out
.
But you asked if her explanation of her behavior was believable, and the answer is yes: it is extremely believable. The motivation she ascribes to herself is common. (Doesn't mean she's telling the truth, but she very well could be). Visual porn doesn't work for a lot of women they way it works for men, where textual porn does - and this could be a form of porn for her.

Now, that being said, she clearly has some unmet sexual needs here and if you want to keep seeing her, you guys need to be able to talk about that. Those unmet needs don't mean you're doing anything wrong (any more than you looking at porn would mean she's doing something wrong), but they are something you need to be able to talk about.

And maybe when you guys have that conversation, her honest answer will be "Well, look, sometimes I need to randomly exchange sexy messages with strangers to get off, and I'm never going to meet them," then you have decide if you're okay with that or not. You can not be okay with it, but recognize that probably means you guys are going to break up at some point.

But my advice would be, if you can get to a point where you believe her that she never intended to meet any of these people, that you give her the same sort of pass on random sexting that you want for watching porn (assuming you want one for watching porn).

quote:

This is not at all what I thought marriage would be like. We've only been married for a little over a year, but she has changed so much (and not for the better).
I feel so suffocated by her now and mothered. I honestly think sometimes she would put me in a bubble to protect me if she could.
I am constantly lecture about :

1) My diet. She always is trying to control what I eat. I get lectures if I eat fast food for lunch, if I eat more red meat than she thinks I should, if I don't drink enough water/drink too much soda, if I eat too much candy or sweets. The fact is I'm in good health, and I don't over indulge. I think that should be enough for her, but it isn't.

2) My hobbies. I got my motorcycle license in the last few months, and she hates it. Not going to go down this hole, but the issue is she thinks she can tell me what I can and cannot do when really I don't think it's any of her business. I'm an adult, and although we're married, that doesn't make her my ruler. We should have an equal partnership, not a dictatorship where she sets all the rules. She also doesn't like the fact that I hunt, never has. It's too dangerous according to her.

3) I drink too much. About the most I ever do is have a beer per day for a week or two then cut back some. I don't get drunk very often, and I definitely don't think my alcohol consumption is too much.

4) Never lets me have time alone. I enjoy spending time with her, but I want time to myself every once in a while. She never has understood that.

5) And the list goes on... I don't read enough. I watch too much TV or play too many video games.

It really does feel like so much of the time she thinks she is my mother, and I'm sick of it. I dread coming home from work. I dread being around her. I'm at the point where I am actively trying to find ways not to be around her.
I am open to counseling, but I doubt she would change. She's so convinced she knows what's best for me that it would probably just be a waste of time.

At this point, the only thing I can think of is for us to separate and consider divorce. Without a doubt, that is an extreme solution, but I really can't take much more of this. Had I known this is how things would be, I can say without any doubt I would never have asked her to marry me. I probably would have ended our relationship instead.
Am I justified in thinking divorce may be the only solution? Is there a chance our marriage can be saved? Also, for my benefit, does anyone have any idea or hypothesis as to why she has suddenly changed so much? I don't understand the change. It's one thing for her to not like everything I do, but it's completely different to try and stop it all. That didn't happen when we were just dating. We had disagreements for sure about things I did, but we always agreed to disagree as long as I was reasonable and responsible. I still am, so I don't understand what's happened.

tl;dr: My wife has become my mother. She is constantly trying to rule and control my life. I'm sick of it and of her and ready to consider divorce. Are my reasons justified? Can our marriage be saved? Is it even worth it to try when I think counseling would just be a waste of time?

quote:

After posting about this issue some months ago here I was given some very helpful advice. Essentially what the situation has become is that my brother and his girlfriend have developed a routine where they have become comfortable arguing within our home, mostly in his room. If they aren't arguing when she comes over on the weekend they are usually arguing over the phone.
In either case one or more of the family members is inevitably subjected to it as sound travels through walls unfortunately. Initial attempts consisted of asking my brother when his girlfriend wasn't around to stop arguing in our household as it was causing stress. They continued to argue in our household.

Next we would call or text him mid argument and tell him to stop i the hopes that by intervening in the moment that they would get the point. They continued to argue.
At this point you're in a pickle, they won't stop because they are so emotionally involved when arguing that they can't see the light so you have to consider refusing to allow the person who doesn't live in your house to come over anymore. Unfortunately my parents lack conflict resolution skills in this particular area and haven't come to terms to do such a thing yet. My mother is very fond of his girlfriend and it pains her to have to intervene in such a manner. My father has put up with various other issues surrounding my brother and I which I won't go into but suffice to say he wants little to do with this awkward situation though he agrees that refusing her from coming over to the house is something that will have to happen if they can't stop.

So here we are now after trying multiple methods to bring the issue to their attention and it's still ongoing. Last weekend I entered their room mid argument to confront her in person and address the issue, something that no one else has done but instead addressed the issue through my brother who has failed to produce results. I calmly laid out the situation to her that it was bothering my family and it needed to stop, they both were already aware that it was a problem and appeared to be visibly ashamed offering no rebuttal but agreeing to comply.
They argued without fail the weekend after. This sparked a flame inside me that I generally reserve for the most despicable of individuals, the kind of hateful fire that burns inside of you when someone challenges your quality of life and continues to do so after your best attempts at protecting it. I downed a cup of wine to calm my nerves, turned on my phone camera to record the conversation to be had, and burst into his room mid argument.
What ensued what a initially cool headed addressing of the irrefutable facts. That they were incessantly arguing in our household for months and despite concerned family members asking them to stop they wouldn't. I spoke to his girlfriend directly and inquired to whether she was aware that her conscious decision to challenge my brother and cause a scene every time she came over was fair to my parents, she seemed embarrassed and gave me nothing but compliant answers the entire time I spoke.
My brother on the other hand grew increasingly agitated as I spat out cold hard logic in my wine fueled rant and started to question whether he was actually bothering anyone else but me. He tried to misdirect their arguing to my personal shortcomings (I've been unemployed for some time) saying things like I only hear the arguing because I'm in my room so often. It was a incredibly desperate attempt to defend himself at the sudden attack I brought onto their normal routine.

I checked every one of his attempts with facts and didn't fall into the trap of personally attacking him which is a tradition of ours whenever we used to get into our own arguments. I wanted to make them uncomfortable like they make the family and pressed them hard. I offered numerous alternatives that would spare us of their second hand debates, my brother instead offering that he would "work on it," insinuating that I should expect to hear them continue to argue in the future and most of all that he actually believed it was an acceptable behavior. Wrong. I got aggressive at that point and spelled it out that it wasn't okay to argue in our household at all. Take it to her house. Take it to a hotel. I don't care as long as it isn't here.
He started to doubt whether it actually was bother my parents since their room isn't directly next to his unlike mine though they can easily hear it. The fact that both of my parents already addressed him about it being a problem seemed to have slipped his mind but I made sure to remind him of it. I mentioned that she will likely be refused access to our home if they can't stop which appeared to trigger my brother somewhat where he stated I wasn't the homeowner and couldn't make that decision (true) but I made sure to clarify that it was what they were forcing the situation to come down to.
The conversation went downhill from that point as my brother became increasingly frustrated at my coherent dismantling of his behavior and he started to use all of the tactics he was used to whenever we attacked each other, trying to talk over me, bringing up unrelated matters that I negatively affected him by in the past, etc. I wasn't having any of it and stayed true to my initial goal but we were causing a scene which forced my parents to intervene, with good intentions of course as this was needed, and they broke us up.
The day after the event I'm here writing a post about it to get outside unbiased opinions. I'm not honestly expecting them to stop but my goal was to provide a dramatic example to shake them out of apathy. No one had personally intervened them and really spelled it out for them until then. They're aware now that someone is willing to go to considerable lengths to discourage them from continuing this routine.

Personally I'm bothered that I've had to resort to such actions to stop a very obvious detriment to our households quality of life, my brother and his girlfriend have some serious issues that causes them to butt heads on a consistent basis to such a point that they willingly and knowingly do it what should be a place of refuge for us. I've grown to hate all of this girls quirks, sounds, and bad habits. Wiping her lipstick on the community hand towel in the bathroom, moaning loudly during sex (forgot to mention this one earlier but ffs), coughing at all hours of the night, I could go on but frankly I'm getting triggered thinking about them.
Some final points I feel are important to include in this lengthy post is that my brother is an active opiate/benzo addict which has an obvious influence on his behavior and may be part or most of the reason he engages in such frequent arguments. The other is that this girl had a thing for me in the past in the one night we socialized but I never pursued due to personal difficulties at the time. It's possible, though this may be stretching it, that she is vindictively engaging my brother in these arguments out of some form of spite. Again this is just a theory but it's such a toxic situation that I can't help but consider it.

TLDR: After dealing with my brother and his girlfriends incessant arguing within our household with no effective results by asking him personally to put an end to it I burst into his room during one of their debates and addressed her personally of the issues it's causing to me and my parents. She was embarrassed and only provided basic answers to the questions I asked her, my brother on the other hand tried to defend his right to argue saying that he would work on it but that expecting them to stop immediately was too much. At that point the talk went downhill as he got personal and off topic which forced our parents to break us up. I'm unsure of whether my attempt will effectively stop them or if refusing her asylum in our home is the only real solution.

lazorexplosion posted:

Oh god it's an incel

quote:

suffered a miscarriage last month. I was almost through the first trimester. Agony doesn't begin to explain the depth of my pain. I feel like a failure, my hormones and body still feel so out of whack, sometimes I just break down crying over what I've lost. I'm young but I was so excited and ready for this baby.
So was my fiancé. He was great the first week or so after the miscarriage. He was supportive and he cried with me a few times. He told me we'd try again and everything would be okay. After that he started making some comments about how he wanted to understand how this happened. The doctor already explained that my immune system is to blame (I have an immune system disorder). It's like my fiancé refused this as a valid reason.

My husband is on the gluten-free band wagon. That's fine, it's his choice. I am not gluten-free. I am a healthy 25 year old woman, with the exception of my problematic immune system. I eat healthily, I work out, my lifestyle choices are sound (no smoking, minimal drinking and obviously ZERO drinking during the pregnancy, no drugs).
He started making small comments about how gluten led to the miscarriage. I shut that down and told him that my diet is healthy and not high in junk food or carbs, that gluten did not lead to this. He let it go at first.

Then he presented me with some pseudo-science articles about how gluten can "kill" your baby and can "close up shop" for your uterus. I don't have a gluten allergy, gluten didn't "kill" my baby. My educated doctor who spent years in medical school and many years as an OB/GYN has assured me that my diet didn't contribute to the miscarriage.

I flat out asked my fiancé if he blames me for the miscarriage and he said he doesn't necessarily blame me but at least now I know what to do differently next time so this doesn't happen again. In other words, he blames me. He also said that he wanted me to cut gluten out now so my body is "ready" once we start trying again.
I have been staying with my best friend since Monday because Monday evening I was crying about the miscarriage and my fiancé told me to cut it out because it makes him depressed and to stop crying over spilled milk. Comparing me suffering the loss of my child to crying over spilled milk is... I do not know if that is forgivable.

It seems he blames me, he rejects the doctor's opinion, he is insensitive to my feelings, and seems to have no idea or care how much I'm hurting and how much I already blame myself for this miscarriage.
In your opinion is this salvageable or even worth saving? My hormones and emotions are so out of whack that sometimes I wonder if I'm overthinking things. My best friend does not agree that I am overreacting and she said she does not even want to know my fiancé anymore.

tl;dr: I suffered a miscarriage and my fiancé blames my diet because I'm not gluten free. My doctor does not agree with this opinion at all but my fiancé still rejects the doctor's explanation. He told me to "stop crying over spilled milk" when I was crying about the miscarriage the other day. I love him and before this he was great, but I don't know if I can forgive him or try to have another baby with him after this.

loquacius posted:

This sounded WAY too familiar to me

It's getting to a point where if you live in a blue state and you have a problem, any problem, someone close to you WILL tell you it's your own fault for eating so much gluten all the time

Someone told me my IBS was because of gluten, someone told my wife her migraines were because of gluten. Gluten is apparently the real cause of every health problem known to man. Miscarriage is a new one but I'm not surprised.

I have a friend who actually has celiac and he says it's great that there's so much more gluten-free poo poo everywhere now but he really doesn't like the underlying reason

quote:

I've been living with my room mates for three months now. I knew them for about a year before moving in and I thought they were pretty cool but I dunno now. They've known each other for years, since high school.
Anyway, in the first month I brought someone home from town and he ended up staying the night. One of my room mates saw him leave in the morning and told the other one and they kinda gave me poo poo for a while, but eventually they got over it (or so I thought).

The next time I had a friend (girl) stay over the night and we watched movies. I asked if I could have her over and they both said that's fine but complained afterwards that we had made too much noise and that they didn't want that friend over again (night or day) because she laughed too loudly (she does but banning someone from the house because laughing???). I said fine whatever, and we've done movie nights at her place since.

I've recently been seeing this guy though for about a month and he's stayed over 3 times since then. The first night they thought it was a one night stand thing again and gave me poo poo, second night they kinda seemed annoyed and one said we had been using the bathroom too much (His room is right next to it). I didn't think we had but I said ok, but they didn't say I couldn't bring him over again. Third night they told me he wasn't allowed over again because it was their space and he used the bathroom too much and they could hear us having sex all night. We had sex once and it was in the morning so I don't really know what they were hearing. Also he only used the bathroom once and I told him to be really quiet and he was? but they said they don't want me bringing people over anymore and that I can go to the persons house if I'm gonna keep doing it. I can get it if it was for safety like if i was bringing random guys into the house but for friends and a guy I've been seeing?

There is another flatmate (girl) who is always at her boyfriends, but she was there one night and said she didn't hear anything and she is right next to my room so I think they may be making poo poo up. They bring guys over and play xBox till like 3 in the morning and their friends pass out on the couch. I'm getting pretty annoyed with all the hypocrisy.
I would move but can't afford to move out right now/live on my own but are they being reasonable? Am I being a bad room mate? I was way worse with my other flat (brought home guys all the time) and no one ever complained. How can I go about making them more ok with me having people over? Or do I just have to deal with it?

TL; DR Room mates get angry every time I bring someone over and have told me I'm not allowed to anymore. How do I navigate this situation?

quote:

I honestly cannot believe how quickly thing escalated, and I'm sorry for not updating sooner, but I've been ridiculously stressed and busy with what happened.
So following the advice posted, I continued bringing over my (now) boyfriend and ignoring them if they bitched about it. Things came to a huge head last weekend, and I've spent the last week dealing with the fallout.
Last Saturday he came over and we were going to have an early night so we could do some hiking in the morning. Room mates were drinking with their friends playing xBox, making loads of noise, so I went out and asked if they could keep it down. I honestly thought they were fine, me and him were able to sleep until about 4 am when one of them burst into our room with a loving baseball bat and starting smashing poo poo.
He was screaming things about how I had embarrassed him in front of his friends when I didn't have the decency to shut up, calling me a slut and a whore. I thought he was going to kill me, but my boyfriend jumped up and starting trying to restrain him, the other room mate ran in and starting helping, my boyfriend got smacked in the nose and blood was running everywhere. I was on the phone with police by this point.
They came and he was arrested, my boyfriend had to go to hospital (Tim had broken his nose), and about $350 worth of damage was done to my belongings. The other room mate has not stopped apologizing to me non-stop about how he didn't realize that the crazy room mate was that bad, and he was just trying to back up an old friend, but he's said my boyfriend is welcome anytime.
Me and my boyfriend both have a restraining order against crazy room mate and the police came with him as he moved out all his poo poo, and we've gotten the locks changed. I'm still looking at moving out as soon as possible, and am staying most nights at my boyfriends. I'm struggling to sleep because I'm sure someone is going to burst in the room. I can't believe I could misjudge someone so much.
TL;DR: One room mate went mad, came and smashed my stuff with a baseball bat, charges have been laid, and I'm moving ASAP

ikanreed posted:

The way she embarrassed him was by having a boyfriend. 90% chance of him being a nice guy

Pick posted:

You kind of can't live with single men if you're a woman. I wouldn't even have a male landlord any more unless I was really sure. You can show up to some rooms for rent and stuff and the guy will be like, "You might not even have to pay...." and then you just have to nope the gently caress out of there.

ikanreed posted:

The guy is crazier, but only because you know he wanted it for sex reasons.

quote:

I've been living with my girlfriend Sophie now for just over a year, in a relationship for 2.5 and I'm getting so frustrated by the amount of things she's says she's going to do and then doesn't. To make matters worse, when I express my irritation about it she just responds with things like "I'm allowed to change my mind" or "it doesn't affect you?". She's right to an extent, of course she's allowed to change her mind but it's to the point where almost nothing she says actually happens and quite often it does affect me in some way.

Obviously I'm not going to go drudging up every single example of this behaviour but it happened twice in very quick succession last night so I'll share that and you can let me know your thoughts. Yesterday I worked an 8am - 6pm shift at work. I got home, we ate dinner and then got into an unrelated argument. The argument ended at around 8:45, she got into bed to sulk and I went on my PC to try and salvage some of my night. Pretty much of all my stuff is in our bedroom and I knew that if she was going to go to sleep I'd have to put my earphones in and be quiet for the rest of the night. I asked her "Are you going to sleep now?" She responded confidently "No" then proceeded to immediately fall asleep on her back loudly snoring until about 12am when I woke her up by getting ready for bed myself.
At this point I was pretty irritated and told her that she'd said she wasn't going to sleep to which she responded "I changed my mind and it's not like it affected you anyway". I told her what I just told you and we ended up getting into another argument which subsided at around 3am. I had to be up for work this morning at 9am and she didn't have to be at work until the afternoon. She informed me that she was setting her alarm for 6am so that she could get up early to do a bit of stationary work (She has a personalized stationary business on the side). I told her "You won't get up at 6am, all it will do is wake me up for no reason and then you'll wake me again when you get up a couple of hours later". She denied this possibility profusely telling me that she never has a problem getting up on a morning. I told her fine but that'd I'd be pretty irritated if her alarm ends up being pointless and waking me up for no reason.

Well guess what happened? Her alarm woke me up, she turned it off and woke me up again at 8am when she did get up without an alarm. I mentioned it to her when I woke up at 9 and she said "I don't even remember turning my alarm off". Well great, so exactly what I told her would happen happened and what she was so adamant would happen didn't happen. It's getting to the point where I don't even know why she says things. I know there's no way they're happening but when I say this to her she disagrees every single time and then when I'm right she's just annoyed at me for going on about it.

Finally, a slightly unrelated grievance that also happened this morning but it's to do with communication so I'll share that too. I really dislike it when people tell you something but withhold information for no reason. Sophie knows this but before she went out this morning she said, "I need to talk to you about something when you get back from work". Understandably I was curious and asked what it was about to which she replied "Oh it's not bad, we'll talk about it later I'm in a bit of a rush". I hate this so much, what is the point in even letting me know? I might as well have just been oblivious and she could have just started a conversation with me when she was actually free to talk about it. I messaged her when I got to work expressing how much I didn't appreciate it and she told me it was about me potentially helping her to set up a live stream... Could she not have spared 5 seconds to tell me that before she left and not just leave me wondering all day at work?
What do I do reddit? Am I overreacting here? Am I nit picking and I just need to get over it? I would very much appreciate your feedback here because I feel like I've tried everything. She knows her behaviour bothers me and why, but her communication skills haven't changed at all and she often just seems to completely not understand my problem.

tl;dr: My girlfriend constantly tells me she is going to do things that I know she isn't but is in complete denial about it. When I point out that yet again that she hasn't done it she gets annoyed at me for bringing it up because "She's allowed to change her mind and "it doesn't affect me". What do I do?

quote:

Okay, so my boyfriend and I are good friends with all of the same people. Today he told me that I should start throwing dap to the guys instead of just yelling "later" when I leave. What do you guys/girls think of it? I'm unsure. I am a female, just to clarify.

quote:

My boyfriend is a minority and I am white. He frequently brings up topics of racism in society, racial violence, police brutality, even people protesting Beyonce performing at the Country Music Awards.
I don't know how to respond when he brings up these subjects. I feel like an idiot saying, "Yes, that terrible thing you just told me about is a terrible thing. People are bad and racist. Shame on them." Isn't that obvious? But I mean, what other possible response can I make?
I feel like he wants some kind of deeper response from me, something full of empathy and compassion that would show him I'm on his side, but I'm honestly at a loss. I've tried asking him how he wants me to respond when he talks about this stuff, but he can't give me anything concrete.
Maybe what he wants is emotional reassurance and it would help if I personalized it? "You sound upset. How does that news item make you feel?"
I have a lot of anxiety around the fact that it's people like me who are perpetrating these acts of violence and it's people like him who are the victims, so I get really awkward and self-conscious whenever these subjects come up, which doesn't help in coming up with a natural, compassionate response.
TLDR: what is the appropriate and compassionate response for me to make as a white person when my minority boyfriend wants to talk about racial violence?

Jenner posted:

Not to be a poo poo but even if the guy with the pedo ephephile friend's friend is a giant man baby there is still a quite problematic maturity and life placement issue with this and the guy is right to be put off, concerned, and creeped out. Friend of gross guy should, if the age of consent is older than 16 in his area, tell his friend it's creepy and to knock it off or he'll call the cops or, if the age of consent is 16 or less, inform the friend's parents and the gf's parents.

We are at a place in society now where, in most places, it is no longer cool to hook your 14 year old daughter up with 20+ year old guys (no matter how good it would make your relationship with France.) For better or for worse.

Edit: What the hell is Dap?

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

lol yeah silly local stereotypes affirmed

quote:

TL;DR: My boyfriend (27) turns down sex often but wants to masturbate to porn behind my (19 F) back.
Hi, I started dating this guy about a year ago and we moved in together after a while of dating. I knew he watched porn and masturbated, but I thought when we moved in together, things would be different.
He has a fairly low sex drive. He only wants to have sex about once a week. I on the other hand, am a 19 year old female who loves having sex, and i often have to beg just to get him to have sex with me.
We made a deal that when we moved in, he would come to me whenever he's horny and wants to get off. Since i'm always the one who has to make the first move, I thought this would be awesome since guys like to masturbate. WRONG. I noticed he had just quit masturbation altogether and we would still only have sex once a week.
I recently noticed him bringing his phone with him to take a shower, so i asked him later that night if he masturbated and he said yes. I was hurt because he never wants to have sex with me, but is quick to jump the gun when it comes to jerking off.
This past weekend I had to beg "if you have sex with me, I won't bother you all week". He was apparently happy when it came to this, now this week i am sexless. I was hoping he would change his mind but nope.
Last night he went to take a shower and brought his phone again. I just don't know what to do about this anymore. I love him with all my heart and am not willing to just walk away because of this. I talk to him about how hurt i am to feel like he doesn't want to be intimate with me. He says he's just tired from work.
For the record: I don't care if he masturbates, it's just the porn that bothers me. I send him plenty of pictures and videos, why can't he use that? I really don't want any hate from this, especially because this is my first serious relationship, and i am genuinely coming to you all for advice on what to do.
Thanks.