|
Mycroft Holmes posted:as a paladin i object to this thread As a chaotic/good rogue I too think we should stop bad guys sure yeah, hey- are those fireworks?? **sets off a bunch of fireworks for no reason in the corner burning evil lair down**
|
#
¿
Dec 28, 2016 22:29
|
|
|
|
| # ¿ May 1, 2024 20:35 |
|
|
pop fly to McGillicutty posted:Good news, ghouls and ghosts! I need a handful of skeletons to protect an old artifact that I really don't need anymore. Please provide a resume to Any time I need to get rid of some old stuff I just put it all in an old crypt and summon a few skeletons to "guard" it. Put up a "keep out" sign in a spooky font and a bunch of adventurers show up to "loot" all those rusty pants and rags and cracked helms-of-the-wolf and they usually smash all the skeletons too so I don't have to pay them!
|
|
#
¿
Dec 29, 2016 15:09
|
|
|
drat horror queefs posted:Strip off their useless meat and make some skeletons. You can never EVER have enough skeletons plus the mass of rotting human flesh can be bound together with a simple blood golem spell. As a lawful/neutral wizard I- **checks rule book** yeah that's fine go ahead **impassively listens to screams**
|
|
#
¿
Dec 29, 2016 19:17
|
|
|
Skeletons make SUCH great low level minions; First off you make them out of your enemies. Second they work for MEAT. SO: remove meat from enemies, hand them their own meat. "MEAT!!" Say the skeletons. (Don't ask me how they say anything it doesn't have to make sense). Third, when they "eat" their meat it just mushes around their teeth a lil' and falls to the ground; base your lair in a cold climate or ice fortress and have a housekeeping spell to sweep up all the meat bits and reuse forever! Plus what is more terrifying to enemies than an ice fortress full of skeletons where every loot drop is HUMAN MEAT I mean
|
|
#
¿
Dec 29, 2016 19:31
|
|
|
Motherfucker posted:Hi, recently I pledged my service to the eldar gods, specifically cthylla daughter of cthulhu (its 2016, ok) but the problem is the pulsing vein-like slug growing under my eyesocket is not only making it hard for me to pick up chicks but also I'm starting to hear screams and see stuff that I'm pretty sure my mind wasn't supposed to comprehend, its starting to cut into my social life and plus I've started hucking up fistfulls of maggots with human faces who demand I find them hosts in a demented chorus of voices. How do I keep it 'real' I guess is what I'm asking? haha don't kinkshame
|
|
#
¿
Dec 30, 2016 00:55
|
|
|
I enchanted a pair of boots with "flesh to stone" and left for some meddling adventurers to find (isn't it weird that adventurers are always rummaging around putting on old clothing they find?) hoping to add to my sculpture garden anyways I accidentally cast "stone to flesh" and now anywhere that guy walks he leaves a perfect footprint sized sirloin steak. Last I heard he gave up adventuring and opened a steak house
|
|
#
¿
Dec 30, 2016 15:56
|
|
|
tardwrangler posted:Ive cursed your prostate. 
|
|
#
¿
Dec 31, 2016 05:23
|
|
|
Grondoth posted:Good Abjurers keep loving closing all my demonic portals. Why fight their physical powers when you can corrupt their minds? Offer them powerful magical objects (that you control) to give them delusions of grandeur. Lawful Good wizards can easily be corrupted with power as they seek to control all to make it "lawful" and the love of power makes them them Lawful Evil. Then because you are chaotic evil (and not bound by laws) threaten to strip them of their power (your magic items) unless they sign an employment contract (signed in blood of course, offer good 401k and flex time they can't resist)
|
|
#
¿
Jan 2, 2017 20:04
|
|
|
MEat MEET MEAAT MEAT MEat meat good MEaT fleASh
|
|
#
¿
Jan 3, 2017 02:33
|
|
|
Ah dammit sorry one of my skeletons trying to get online haha lil skamp
|
|
#
¿
Jan 3, 2017 02:34
|
|
|
Ok got him sealed back up in his barrel, gave him some meat to gnaw on (it was his own butt once lol adventurers) He's just going to sit there happily gumming it until it falls through his rib cage and then burst out of the barrel waving his rusty dagger around at the next adventurers in a century or so
|
|
#
¿
Jan 3, 2017 02:38
|
|
|
paying skeletons with meat is so great becasie what are adventurers made of? 1. Meat 2. A skeleton Your skeletons happily do all the work gnawing off the meat then boom! New skeleton Just keep a constant low level spell going in your crypt and put up a really spooky sign ADVENTURERS KEEP OUT, maybe hang a "wanted for necromancy" bounty ad (with a map to your crypt) in local taverns and in a month or two you've got a whole skeleton labor force for free
|
|
#
¿
Jan 3, 2017 02:48
|
|
|
SciFiDownBeat posted:well, okay, but, hold on there, then you've kind of got a sort of ponzie scheme going on, because if one skelly eats an adventurer, okay, now you've got two skelleys.... who eventually each need two heros worth of meat... then you've got four skelleys, etc That's the thing, skeletons don't actually "need" meat. They just kinda mush it around their teeth and let it fall to the ground. Keep your crypt ice cold and scoop up the meat and blammo, next week's pay Also "too many skeletons?" Lol just pack some up in barrels (to jump out later) or just disassemble some and make into bone swords, bone arrows etc If you've just got too darn many you can point them at your local haunted forest and tell them MEAT, they get all excited "MEAt meAt MeAT MEET" *crick crick crick* off they go tramping away. Come to think of it that forest wasn't haunted until I started filling it with all those skeletons, art imitates life as they say
|
|
#
¿
Jan 3, 2017 05:53
|
|
|
Just remembering me and some of my bros in necrcollege got into a classic "skeleton vs zombie" argument, we decided to settle things once and for all and took over the whole lower quad. We got in so much trouble! That's me with the beard I'm only 119 there (so young) https://youtu.be/CU3fq4aAv0w
|
|
#
¿
Jan 3, 2017 06:07
|
|
|
Ummmmm who let in the hippie wood elf? This is the EVIL thread still right?? Incidentally i don't know anything about all those skeletons in the forest it was like that when I got here
|
|
#
¿
Jan 4, 2017 18:18
|
|
|
poverty goat posted:do you guys ever get nostalgic for pitchforks? i used to have a great spell to turn them into snakes but i don't think peasants even know what to do with a pitchfork anymore. they'd kill each other with them by accident before they even got to the gates. some idiot peasants from the village have been writing letters or something, blaming me for an outbreak of hooved children. now im going to have to enthrall the mayor, maybe the governor. but first im going to turn all those goddamned letters and petitions into wasps See this is exactly the kind of wholesome, down home family values evil that you just don't see anymore.
|
|
#
¿
Jan 4, 2017 23:03
|
|
|
Ummmm just wait a fortnight and you have a perfectly good Demi-lich
|
|
#
¿
Jan 6, 2017 01:26
|
|
|
You're better off setting up a profitable scheme in the cathedral, milking for cash, and just adding onto your existing tower imo. Set up a fall guy and control from the shadows etc etc. Corrupted cathedral farming is kind of a cliche but when you can just shrug and go "what dark cathedral I'm just a lowly alchemist" if Paladins come smash the place is priceless
|
|
#
¿
Jan 6, 2017 02:49
|
|
|
sweet geek swag posted:No one is impressed that you remember the titles we got from our dark wizard frat key party favors. Also I wouldn't break into your library if you would return the dark codex I loaned you when I asked you to. key party favors posted:That's it. and this goes to everyone in this thread...my library is off limits! Consider all of my tomes hexed. That goes double for you Rainbowbeard The Malevolent, Champion of the isles of Forgotten Hate, Whisperer of The 8 Illegal Phrases, Friend to False Dreams Of Bezos! I know your number, Buddy... don't think I don't know your other names too! And don't think I haven't conjured an Argus Panoptes to keep an eye on my shelves from now on...so don't get any wise ideas. I'm looking at you Naem of The 13 Lies Whispered By The Lament Of The Betrayed Wind! and Sweet Geek Swag, of The Soiled Robes Of The Twin Halls of Entropy! I've told all of my Blue Skeletons (that's right, the blue ones, not the regular bone colored ones) to attack any trespassing wizard on sight! Look I didn't, "soil" my robes, it was cold out, we'd been drinking, college was a LONG TIME ago why can't you just drop it. I mean we were all MORTAL still
|
|
#
¿
Jan 6, 2017 04:50
|
|
|
ChaseSP posted:So when do you decide to give your apprentice the talk about good and evil being meaningless concepts that only get in the way of a persons true desires whether it be glory or to unravel the seal of a millenia old demilich whose gaze can steal a man's soul. Eh I just always end up feeding them to the skeletons
|
|
#
¿
Feb 6, 2017 06:31
|
|
|
The real problem with artificing is it's just so profitable. I mean at first it's all "battling over meteoric iron ore" and "infusing it with the the blood of virgin princess souls to enthrall the will of men" but after you forge and sell your tenth million-gold-piece-horcrux you look around your treasure hall and the endless piles of gold coins and you're like, 'should all my funds be in commodities?' So you diversify and then you're reluctant to summon the ancient ones to destroy all life (because the the effects on the stock market) and pretty soon you're a lawful-neutral hedge-fund sorcerer with a jewelry hobby
|
|
#
¿
Feb 10, 2017 23:55
|
|
|
VendaGoat posted:(Cackles evilly) They say money is the root of all evil but I've seen money turn a LOT of evil guys neutral in my day
|
|
#
¿
Feb 11, 2017 00:00
|
|
|
jon joe posted:I think he's cackling because his gelatinous cubes are eating your gold and artifact supply. (cackles neutrally)
|
|
#
¿
Feb 11, 2017 00:05
|
|
|
sweet geek swag posted:Edition? Players Handbook? What in the Nine Hell's are you talking about? I think we got ourselves a paladin here guys. I think he's from this alternate dimension I've heard of, where normal things like owlbears and kolbalds are just imaginary things in a game based on fictional novels. I had a couple materialize in my castle keep once, we had a long fascinating talk about how magic is real and all their adventurous dreams really could come true here in the land of fantasy; then of course I fed them to the skeletons
|
|
#
¿
Feb 11, 2017 01:54
|
|
|
Bust Rodd posted:Guys, let's talk Enurgumen! Like when I'm trying to anchor an embodiment of horror into the Material Plane, I go for ripped elves. Elves are even worse than vampires. "la de da look at me I'm a fancy fairy elf ooooo look at my smooth skin, I'm 2000 years old and I date high school girls" It's like, we should NOT be romanticizing this stuff people
|
|
#
¿
Feb 15, 2017 01:51
|
|
|
The last time I got vanquished and shunted out of my body into one of my horcruxes (horcruxi?) it took my spirit a full year to retake my mortal form and it turns out that soulless lich-me (only a demi-lich actually kinda embarrassing) had subjugated the entire countryside and turned all my enemies into skeletons. It's how I got started in the skeleton game! Plus I had all these great memories of BEING a skeleton. Sometimes I wish instead of regaining my 72 year old human form I'd paid extra to turn into an handsome adventurer type, but that's such a cliche with necromancers. Any time "Zog the Ancient terror" shows up looking like a fit 35 year old again it's like "hey Zog time for your post life crisis already eh?"
|
|
#
¿
Feb 21, 2017 20:24
|
|
|
One of my basement skeletons is a lawyer. I have a notary public down there too, comes in handy (I pay them meat)
|
|
#
¿
Feb 23, 2017 07:33
|
|
|
Actually last time I went to the DMV it took so long I skeletonized the whole place, never have to wait in line again now
|
|
#
¿
Feb 23, 2017 07:34
|
|
|
Turning 112 is a big deal to the department of motor vehicles apparently as they wanted me to take a vision test and of course I had replaced an eye with the Gem of Gorgoth (for tax purposes). They wanted to argue with me about "depth perception" and I was like "I see see through both space and time and up to 4 alternate dimensions, I can see accidents coming up to 3 days in advance and avoid them I'm pretty sure I can drive a Prius hybrid to Home Depot"
|
|
#
¿
Feb 23, 2017 07:38
|
|
|
VendaGoat posted:So you loving lie to them you rear end in a top hat. How the gently caress did you perform the rites of resurrection and not already understand this? Eh I failed a charisma check (happens to us all)
|
|
#
¿
Feb 23, 2017 08:05
|
|
|
VendaGoat posted:You forgetting to cast polymorph self is my loving fault? Ehhhh gently caress you! Yeah yeah I'll have that shipment of skeletons over by Thursday. You know I am (technically) still human so it is nice to go walk among them occasionally. Not sure why I chose the DMV
|
|
#
¿
Feb 23, 2017 08:23
|
|
|
Speleothing posted:Way too much effort for dwarves. Just have a your golems squash them like any other uninvited guests. Like, 80% of all extant vampires are accidental orgy bite vampires. I've just stopped inviting them
|
|
#
¿
Feb 23, 2017 22:07
|
|
|
Schwza posted:Lol at you nerds burying your noses in old books for decades to find something to get back at the world because you couldn't get laid. barbarians make GREAT skeletons
|
|
#
¿
Feb 24, 2017 01:16
|
|
|
GenericOverusedName posted:Help my corners are all wrong! Is there a dark sense of foreboding upon your abode (as if the heart of the very dark is come alive) and you fear the color purple? That's probably KEVIN, tell him he still owes me $50 bucks
|
|
#
¿
Feb 28, 2017 05:07
|
|
|
key party favors posted:all magic is evil, right? stop pretending 'non-evil' wizards. all magic is evil. Uh, no? Lol here maybe this will help: 
|
|
#
¿
Feb 28, 2017 06:00
|
|
|
vcvcvc12 posted:I dunno, there seem to be a few non-evil wizards here. Don't ask me I'm just a humble alchemist *kicks trap door shut onto skeleton hand trying to reach out of my pit of former victims, whistling innocuously*
|
|
#
¿
Mar 1, 2017 00:39
|
|
|
a bone to pick posted:please, stop RPing as a wizard now, you're 40 years old. Yes everyone over 30 please stop having any and all fun and go stand alone in the corner weeping for the next 50+ years thanks
|
|
#
¿
Mar 1, 2017 01:38
|
|
|
CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:Magic is cool and good.
|
|
#
¿
Mar 1, 2017 19:32
|
|
|
key party favors posted:... but we can't just keep relying on skeleton armies. Well la dee da mister fancy pants. Thinks he's too good for skeletons eh? Some of us humble working class fellows have done pretty well with nothing more than *raise skeleton* and passing a couple well timed charisma checks. Skeletons are a classic for a reason
|
|
#
¿
Mar 1, 2017 22:34
|
|
|
|
| # ¿ May 1, 2024 20:35 |
|
|
Hihohe posted:Is there an osha for industrial wizardry? Im looking at expanding beyond freelance work and I dont want to get in trouble for not wearing the proper pointy hat. There is but they mostly just check that your castle has enough skulls, metal spikes at eye level, big winding unlit staircases without handrails, and if you don't have enough bodily fluids spilled on a catwalk over a bottomless pit to cause a fall hazard they cite you
|
|
#
¿
Mar 2, 2017 00:20
|
|