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punchymcpunch posted:yes and their ponytails were also their genitals (much like robocops dataspike) so they were loving their horses i saw that movie in 3d when it came out and the entire movie was ruined for me because i sat behind an rear end in a top hat wearing a baseball cap like he kept looking left and right and all the 3d poo poo happening and the bill of his cap kept obscuring the screen andall i could think was "i bet this fucker is bald. god i hope this stupid rear end in a top hat who wears a hat at the theater is bald." then as soon as the movie ended he took off his hair and wouldn't you know it he was the most beautiful, twinkiest boy id ever seen with amazing hair and weve been dating for 7 years now
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May 14, 2017 09:37
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| # ¿ May 12, 2024 00:31 |
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true story: i went on a date last week and i had kind of forgotten i had dropped acid before inviting this person id met to my local bar and it just kind of rolled on while i was showering and shaving and i was like "eh gently caress it we'll see where this goes" she was a giant bundle of nerves and without getting too boring she threw off a bunch of low-key red flags. overly anxious, bitter about high school, stuff like that. like its a bad sign when you find yourself saying, "dont apologize for being late. im the one on acid, im the one being rude" more than once. she wants a second date but uhhhh i dont feel like wasting the acid
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May 14, 2017 09:43
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eh i have been on enough first dates to know. honestly me showing up high as gently caress shoul dhave been a red flag to her, im no prince charming in this situation
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May 14, 2017 09:48
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megatron transformed into a gun like his transformation was to make other robots pull his robodick trigger and spew energon beams at optimus prime he was a cuck
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May 14, 2017 09:52
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Squizzle posted:job is about god being so much greater than the world that one person has no hope of understanding what theyd need to do to begin forming a basis to understand gods actions motives etc well enough to start trying to judge them even in isolation on their goodness or justifiability let alone do so in absolute context yeah but its kind of weird that job was set in a biblical setting befor ean afterlife like god makes it up to job by giving him twice the women, land, animals, and children that he had before. which is weirdly materialistic
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May 14, 2017 09:53
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like god shows up with a six pack of children and is all like "hey job we're cool right?"
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May 14, 2017 09:54
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i forget where i read it but a professor i studied under at DePaul wrote a 10 page article comparing Tarding Places with the story of job and it was pretty good. wish i could fifnd it
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May 14, 2017 09:57
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Kurtofan posted:is there an abridged version of the bible its called sunday service
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May 14, 2017 09:58
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i had family in the church and they used to let us play around in the vault where they kept the goblets for the gross as gently caress sharing of wine if you felt the communion wafer wasnt enough for you communion wafers come in giant transparent plastic garbage bags. a friend of mine is dating a girl whose dad is an episcopalian minister and next time she sees her dad shes gonna swipe one of the church marketing books they get. like theres an entire industry of people who issue 500 page books selling different scarves and those special table cloths you put on the table with the marty bone in it and goblets and poo poo now that i think about it it probably reads like a D&D item catalogue. but i kind of hope it reads like the j peterman catalogue
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May 14, 2017 10:02
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i was an english major and one time my teacher had us read j peterman catalogue excerpts but with the genders blanked out so one read, "i was doing the nyt crossword while lounging by my pool and sipping a mimosa" and the teacher calls on me "cumshitter what gender do you think the speaker is?" "oh its a broad. with gams" "why do you say that?" "well duh she wants a mimosa"
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May 14, 2017 10:06
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Squizzle posted:job is an insanely old text and the history of afterlife beliefs in Judaism and its pre-Jewish roots is ridiculo convoluted egyptians were way ahead of the jews in marketing terms even if their whole afterlife thing came down to being all your sins weighed against the Feather of Truth after your slaves dragged you through the Desert of Trials which reminds me i had a jewish friend fo ra bit and his mother loved me after i gave her a cigarette and said christianity had the one up on judaism because they franchised and turned other cultures gods into saints i used ot make fun of his girlfirneds, who were enver good enough for his mom, with her and thats why we are no longer friends
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May 14, 2017 10:12
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what as the science for moses paritng the river becase i remember reading some really stupid biblical science that was all "well actually" about how maybe moses didnt have super powers but a river could totally part itself and he just happened to be there at the right tiem
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May 14, 2017 10:17
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josep his the biggest cuck in history because he let a pregnant teenaged girl talk him into marrying her while she was 1) a virgin and 2) totally worthy of marrying a carpetner, which i imagine was like being the equivalent of a silicon valley software programming ~rockstar~ back in the day
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May 14, 2017 10:21
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NecroMonster posted:moses wasn't real i think its on you to prove that could science have created... this??? *does sweeping arm gesture toward biblical recreation of dinosaurs boarding noahs ark*
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May 14, 2017 10:24
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punchymcpunch posted:free barabbas jesus was a travelling faith healer and barabbas wa sa mountain bandit who attacked roman soldiers i bet pontius got his rear end handed to him for letting a raider go free
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May 14, 2017 10:29
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i think it was in a previous version of this thread but someone linked a short story about future people doing time vacations back to the past. in it a family goes back to see jesus chosen to be crucified by pontius pilate when he does the crowdsourced execution thing the protagonist runs around the town and in a smhalyen twist of events it turns out its the time tourists who condemn jesus to death and not actually people form that time like it was supposed to be a shocking twist but how does christianity work if jesus doesnt die?
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May 14, 2017 10:33
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seanbabystill exists????
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May 14, 2017 10:36
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i was a bag boy at a grocery store in high school and i turend on all the other people my age to seanabyb back then. we used to joke around and smoke weed and talk about the funny poo poo he wrote one time while we were super stoned we came up with an idea about a majestic bird man whose wings are shot off by the villanoius Hunter mid flight and he crashed into a grocery store, like the one we workd at, and for inexplicable reasons he was hired as a bag boy. he had a regal bearing and gladly carried old ladies and their groceries all the way back to their home if htey asked we sent our dumb idea to seanbabys yahoo email and for weeks we imagined that he was gonna email us back and tell us how awesome our idea was but obvs he had to get through his giant email backlog before he responded
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May 14, 2017 10:40
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god drat that store was run by morons. they hired a 14 year old after telling him "you can't work here legally you're too young" and then put him through training and fired him like 5 weeks in also like 3 months into the job a pepsi vending machine disappeared and it turned out some dude had just wheeled it into the employee breakroom without talking to anyone and was collecting the money and restocking it. he had no agreements with the management for it to be there and apparently it had been there a decade before a manager noticed.
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May 14, 2017 10:45
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on the day i left that job i, as a stupid 17 year old, left a bunch of fliers in the entrance area with stupid poo poo like: "Internal Memo from J. W. Albertson: homosexuals spend 17% more on groceries than the average consumer. Increase funding to the Gay Agenda and its recruitment efforts." and "When I signed up to work at Albertson's they had me sign a contract with an eagle feather quill. My signature flew off the parchment and into a tiny wooden box, and then I realized I would forever be slave to this company until I was able to remember my name." they called the police and i watched the front end manager shove the flier into the police officer's hands and the police lady was like "yeah, i thin kthi sis a joke you should calm down." they never suspected it was me, the guy who was on his last day of work, because someone stole the pile of fliers and kept slipping them under the manager's door for weeks after that. like apparently it drove the manager crazy and he would shove fliers into employees faces and demand they give up the mystery flier person (who was me)
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May 14, 2017 10:58
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Jeb! Repetition posted:So wait why did you find out about the manager noticing a decade later? this was related to me after i left the job by a friend who still worked there so im not 100% on it but there was a coke and a pepsi vending machine in the employee break room so i thought it was weird i remember one guy i went to highschool with. every lunch break he would buy a sealed pack of Buddig deli meat and eat it slice by slice. i called him a ghoul and would watch him eat the entire bag
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May 14, 2017 11:00
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like the second or third time i ever got stoned was at that grocery store and my manager approached me and told me to mop the employee break room. i was really relieved because i was 100% sure when they were approaching me that they were going to curse me out in front of everyone for being a degenerate stoner then i spent like two hours mopping the same spot and running away to the bathroom every time someone came down the stairs because i thought i had a sign above my head saying "this person is HIGH on WEED"
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May 14, 2017 11:04
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Jeb! Repetition posted:I tried watching that but Alec Baldwin's Trump impression just pisses me off too much now. i like his impression baldwin was on stern a few weeks back. his approach to the trump impression is: "trump is always looking for a better word to describe something but he never finds it. thats why he has a 200 word vocabulary"
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May 14, 2017 11:06
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most big box retailrse have a thing called "code adam" which is when they say "code adam" on the loudspeaker and thats when all the employees go into hero mode and watch the doors and make sure some pedophile kidnapper cant leave the store with the kid they abducted. some kid named adam got kidnapped in the 70's or something and thats where it comes from they left the vhs for the training tape on it in the break room and we would watch it over and over because it was great. it ends with the kidnapper getting past a plucky bag boy by faking left and then going right before zooming out the door. he elaves the store without the child hes abducting the 14 year old who wasnt legally allowed to work there but worked there anyway stole it when he was fired for being 14
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May 14, 2017 11:14
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another dumb grocery store memroy: when i was 25 i used to go to a Vons near my home where there was a 1 armed bagboy he had a fake arm prosthetic though. except it didnt have any joints or anything it was like a peg leg for his arm it also wasnt properly sized. like his fake arm went 6 inches below his real arm and for no reason it had a giant vein on it which i thought was a wire for moving the elbow motor or something before i got a good look at it. nope, it was just a giant fake arm with no actual use to it. it was probably less functional than having a stump because i saw him bang it against the register desk a few times when he turned around
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May 14, 2017 11:21
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galenanorth posted:There's an exhibit in Ken Ham's museum that states, for some reason, that a layer of rock can never be above itself. This isn't true at a thrust fault or when the layer is folded and turned on its side, as is commonly found in mountain belts. You can see this yourself, put your hand on it, touch it, but Ken Ham says it's an atheist lie. I forgot where I saw it, but I majored in geology so I just remembered it as something that would seem egregious to anyone that has taken a single course in the subject these look like my cats! one has full coloration and the other has white paws and belly Alan Smithee posted:so is she single yeah go for it man she came to the bar i was at and i was nodding off in my drug haze to a really good band but she forgot her ID. i called her and i was like, "yeah dont worry ill just buy the drinks and take them outside to the patio." except i keep forgetting that lots of men are rapists and poo poo so i didnt realize that "let me handle your drink where you cant see me" is not cool with a lot of women also she randomly told me she lied about her age and i just kind of ignored because theres no reason to dig that poo poo up if youve already decided a second date isnt happening . but yeah dude lets organize this. ill invite her to a bar and like well switch clothe sor something and you just take it from there. jus tremember to call yourself cumshitter thats what i told her my name is
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May 14, 2017 11:30
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i just relized i never even asked her what she did. im a terrible date also im a low level functionary at my job im not that fancy i just deal with fancy people a lot
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May 14, 2017 11:37
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Alan Smithee posted:Sounds like you got the mystery method down pat i read the game because i worked at barnes and noble when they still had stores and when the book came out. tons of dudes bought it and the book stood out because it had cheap leather binding and a red cloth tassel for marking your place in teh book it is the biggest pile of bullshit ever written. the author talks about what a loser he was as a rolling stone reporter interviewing britney spears at the apex of her fame. but, with the magic of pua tricks, he gets her to give the best interview hed ever covered. like he straight up runs the "cube game" on her which is when you ask a girl to imagine a cube and a ladder. the size and color of the cube represent their ego and the ladder and its position to the cube represent their will to do poo poo or something the author also talks about how he kept meeting hb 10's (hard body 10's) at random places. and all of them were famous models which he knew because they gave him their emails which were their full names and they were playboy models, sports illustrated swimsuit issue cover models, etc. except, heres the thing, he never emailed any of them. because his "inner game" wasnt strong enough. so his proof of being a master pickup artist is asking some really hot girls if a bald man ever made a pass at them in a retail outlet it ends with him mastering his inner game and realizing monogamy is awesome and that he doesnt need to be a pickup artist anymore
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May 14, 2017 11:49
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mystery has his own chapter in the book where they go to transdinista which is an actual place that broke off from the soviet union when they collapse and only exists because some dudes made a run on the massive stockpiles of soviet arms that were stored there and decided to form a government they meet a bunch of scary gangsters in a bar and mystery does some grade school magic tricks for them and they believe he can move poo poo with his mind and treat mystery and the author like kings because they assume that if he can move a sugar cube or some stupid poo poo then he can move parts of their brains and instantly kill or cripple themp it is a fun book if you understand it is 100% fiction but it is so obviously bullshit
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May 14, 2017 11:57
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lorn Wayne posted:truly a heartwarming tale for the ages he actually broke up with the girl he ended up with once he realized his inner game 3 months after the book was published which i know because he gave an interview on stern teh book ends with him and the girl driving off with surfboards on their car because theyre going to the beach to surf. also there was a monkey in a hawaiian shirt and he describes how the silhouett e of the monkeys hand giving a thumbs up was visible against the setting sun
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May 14, 2017 12:02
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according to the game one really good way to start a threesome when youve managed to invite two girls back to your home from a bar or club but youre not banging is to do a super massage thats when you tell a girl "you know if two people use their hands to rub your body and do the motions in time together it actually feels like you have a thousand hands rubbing you" this turns women on more than gorilla cum and leads to threesomes. bam. i just saved you the 1000 you would pay to take a pua course
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May 14, 2017 12:14
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PostNouveau posted:Ditto lol cat is freaked out but nothing is scarier for a cat than putting a sock on its head
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May 14, 2017 12:31
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PostNouveau posted:I wonder if a cat could ever get used to zero g or if it would just be terrified until it had a heart attack or something. i bet it coulld get used to it but youd have to have carpeted walls and ceilings so it could walk by sticking its calws into stuff
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May 14, 2017 12:36
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i feel so patriotic. tehsoviets got to a point where they were just loving with animals in zero g and we still caught up and got to the moon first also i just realized a litter box in zero g would be a nightmare
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May 14, 2017 12:44
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theres a museum here in los angeles called the museum of jurassic technology. its a pretty chill place to go stoned. they have weird exhibits like aged plastic dice in states of decay that make them look like crystals and a statue of goofy you can only see under a microscope because itts on the had of a sewing needle they also have duplicates of the portraits the soviets painted of the dogs they launched into space which are really amazingly done. whenever ive taken people there i show the m the paintings and ask them to guess which dogs came back (none they all died)
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May 14, 2017 12:51
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*that fyad post about mankinds greatest achievement being a frozen dog corpse orbiting te earth*
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May 14, 2017 12:54
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| # ¿ May 12, 2024 00:31 |
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cats like being in high up places because theyre solitary predators who watch for poo poo from trees so removing the concept of "up" would gently caress with them pretty bad i put an old desk in the corner of my beroomnext to my bedk because i didnt have anywhere else to put it. my cat loves to sit there when i sleep because shes protective of me and its the highest point in the room
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May 14, 2017 13:01
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