Jokes that are good but you can't be bothered to develop a thread for

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Why are you loving idiots giving this place 4 stars and then leaving amazing reviews, this place is over five stars, you are just loving everything up you don't know how the system works I'm really very mad about this and I'm going to be very upset about it for some time leading into the future now

# ¿ Apr 28, 2017 06:47

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# ¿ May 6, 2024 20:50

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Media is reporting a rash of zionist conspiracy theorist outings, shaking Hollywood and the music industry to its core

Reports have surfaced that in 80s Nike commercials, Spike Lee actually said, " it's gotta be the Jews"

# ¿ Nov 17, 2017 02:57

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Cubone posted:

a man shot me in reno would not say why. I bet it was a really stupid reason

What is this idiot staring at?

# ¿ Nov 19, 2017 21:40

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UWBW posted:

Pretty sure the ISS would go flying off into space as superballs are a near-infinite source of energy, and fig newton's third rule or whatev

This isn't just a thread idea, this is a major breakthrough in intergalactic travel

# ¿ Nov 23, 2017 17:40

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The deal with airline food is that it cannot weigh too much or take too long to prepare, and is therefore markedly different from what one might prepare at home

-opposite day jerry

# ¿ Nov 25, 2017 16:03

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Behind that tree now

No one can see now

# ¿ Nov 29, 2017 22:55

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ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

Lying on my deathbed surrounded by friends and children, "You dumb idiots."

this rings a bell, I feel like we had this thread at some point years ago, something about the long con troll or something?

It could be done again, there's definitely a lot there, like:

Look at these imbeciles, handing me a watch for 25 years of faithful service. Stupid idiots never knew that I was conducting this train ironically... pfft

You know, like that, but funny too

# ¿ Dec 7, 2017 01:33

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Koishi Komeiji posted:

This is a good thread and all but a lot of what you yobs post in here could work as stand alone threads, I'm just sayin.

This thread could be the "should I make this thread" thread and if anyone has more jokes you should make the thread

Could be that this thread has robbed us of a few threads, but otoh has probably caused a few more to get posted maybe?

# ¿ Dec 24, 2017 01:03

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Drink-Mix Man posted:

Blade Runner about food:

"I want more fries fucker."

***

"You're in a Mexican restaurant, walking up to the counter, when all of a sudden you look down..."

"What one?"

"What?"

"What restaurant?"

"It doesn't make any difference what restaurant, it's completely hypothetical."

"But, how come I'd be there?"

"Maybe you're hungry. Maybe your're hungover. Who knows? You look down and see a torta, Leon."

"Torta? What's that?"

"You know what a sandwich is?"

"Of course!"

"Same thing."

"I've never eaten a sandwich... But I understand what you mean."

"You reach down and take the top piece of bread off the torta, Leon."

"Do you make up these questions, Mr. Bourdain? Or do they write 'em down for you?"

"The torta lays open-faced, the jamon and avacado inside glistening, beckoning to be eaten, but it can't. Not without your help. But you're not eating."

"What do you mean, I'm not eating?"

"I mean: you're not eating! Why is that, Leon?"

[Leon licks his lips]

Koishi Komeiji posted:

Interviewer: [Foodline test room at LAPD cafateria] Officer K-D-six-dash-three-dot-seven, let's begin. Ready?
K: Yes, sir.
Interviewer: Recite your foodline.
K: And blood-black grease began to sizzle... A system of burgs deep fried within burgs deep fried within burgs deep fried within one kitchen... And dreadfully distinct against the grease, a tall white soda fountain sprayed.
Interviewer: Burgs.
K: Burgs.
Interviewer: Have you ever been to a McDonalds? Burgs.
K: Burgs.
Interviewer: Do you sit at the booth or table? Burgs.
K: Burgs.
Interviewer: When you're not performing your duties do you eat cereal straight out of the box? Burgs.
K: Burgs.
Interviewer: Deep fried.
K: Deep fried.
Interviewer: What's it like to hold a big juicy burg with two hands? Deep fried.
K: Deep fried.
Interviewer: Did they teach you how to lick your fingers of the grease? Deep fried.
K: Deep fried.
Interviewer: Do you long for having your stomach coated in grease? Deep fried.
K: Deep fried.
Interviewer: Do you dream about being fat?
K: Deep fried.
Interviewer: What's it like to hold a burrito in your arms? Deep fried.
K: Deep fried.
Interviewer: Do you feel that there's a part of you always hungry? Deep fried.
K: Deep fried.
Interviewer: Within burgs deep fried.
K: Within burgs deep fried.
Interviewer: Why don't you say that three times: Within burgs deep fried.
K: Within burgs deep fried. Within burgs deep fried. Within burgs deep fried.
Interviewer: We're done... Constant K, you can pick up your bonus order of french fries.
K: Thank you, sir.

Ahahha drat

# ¿ Jan 3, 2018 21:43

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vanisher posted:

joggerz©

These special jogging scissors are optimized for minimal air resistance and ease of use. Originally designed by NASA for use by astronauts jogging in space, this revolutionary pair of scissors will allow you to cut virtually anything! Use during a brisk walk or a full Marathon. For a limited time, orders will come with a free craft satchel which will contain everything you need to make memorable handmade gifts for your friends and loved ones.

cool ranch elmer's glue©

are your kids tired of boring old regular elmer's glue? wish it had more zing? try new cool ranch elmer's glue©! makes craft time delicious, and pairs wonderfully with gum erasers

# ¿ Jan 9, 2018 19:06

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Kthulhu5000 posted:

Speaking of THE WRITING PROCESS, Garfield creator Jim Davis talked about his "place of creative motivation" in a recent interview:

ahahahaha

# ¿ Jan 17, 2018 00:56

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Wasn't sure til he ran into Cathy Guisewhite lololol

Cathy made me legit sad when I was a kid

E: giveaway should have been the Unix script bit I skimmed that the first time

Slush Garbo fucked around with this message at 01:20 on Jan 17, 2018

# ¿ Jan 17, 2018 01:15

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ShinyBirdTeeth posted:

New From PBS: Mother Goose Murders

Across the tracks from Sesame Street two detectives pull onto Gin Blossom Lane.

Detective Dumpty: You, yeah you, come over here. I just wanna talk to you. You know the Muffin Man?
Suspicious Man: The muffin man?
Detective Piggie: The muffin man, lives down on Drury Lane.
SM: Ain't never heard of 'im.
Det. P: Well somebody fried his rear end last night.
SM: Shame. But you know what they say, officer, if you can't take the heat...
Det. D strikes the man in the stomach.
Det. P grabs his partner and wrestles him toward the crusier: What the hell was that, Dumpty? You wanna lose your badge?
Det. D yanks himself free, then leans back into his friends grasp: It's Karen, Lil' P, she. She left me.
Det P: She'll come back. She always does.
Det. D: Not this time. There's no putting this back together.
SM crowding them: I want your badge number, pigs, I want your badge number.
Det P: Oh, you wanna take this to a racial place? Is that what you what to do right now, because we are dealing with some real poo poo here, punk.
SM: Hey, man, I didn't mean it like that. Look, ahh, here maybe you should just take this, OK?
The man passes a flyer to the detective and backs away
Det D: What is it, man?
Det P, reading: 'I baked my biscuits, not long till the goose is cooked. I've got my bib on, I washed my hands, I'm coming for you -- the Din Din Killer.'

lol

this totally goes with the sesame stret thread

# ¿ Jan 20, 2018 06:06

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I miss the good old days of the Internet

When you used to call a phone number, and they mailed you a picture of a computer

# ¿ Jan 20, 2018 06:07

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Back when the freshest meme was just a shout away, across the backyard fence

# ¿ Jan 20, 2018 06:11

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Hey guys, I put down 'somethingawful forums member' under computer skills on a job resume, so if you get a fax please send a telegraph tia

# ¿ Jan 20, 2018 06:33

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I had a breakfast cider today. It's just like a regular cider but you're an alcoholic.

# ¿ Feb 4, 2018 18:37

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I like that, like weird myths or benign habits that actually hurt/kill you...

Local apple farmer dies in cart wreck, medical personnel unable to reach him

Child seen running with scissors tazed by police

# ¿ Feb 18, 2018 19:56

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its beuatiful

# ¿ Feb 20, 2018 01:40

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Kthulhu5000 posted:

A 1930s mafioso making an extortion visit to a swingers club. All "Nice orgy you got going on here, it'd be a real shame if something were to happen to it!", while one of his mooks stands behind him and bends a dildo, breaking it in half.

# ¿ Jun 6, 2018 14:39

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krampster2 posted:

i am sorry but i must go on pilgrimage now to chill hell to wash myself of these impurities. i must confess my sins to the chill demon and become his slave for ever.

thank you fluffie for your forgiveness, but there is no other way for me now. goodbye.

fwiw I lmao'd

also I saved it to show my friend and he lmao'd too

# ¿ Jun 11, 2018 21:26

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the fonedora:

-auto predicts "m'lord" and "m'lady" in text msgs

-every google search result starts by saying, "ACtually..."

-default text msg signature: *tips fedora*

-pre-loaded with reddit, funimation, and 4chan apps

-free white socks and birkenstocks with one year contract

-is actually a trilby

# ¿ Jun 16, 2018 19:21

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Not sure if I should make this thread, is it too mean?

Also funimation is fine, it's that triumvirate including reddit and 4chan that is the difference I am not anime shaming

# ¿ Jun 16, 2018 19:36

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Farecoal posted:

crunchyroll is the anime app of choice i think

Yep, I went with funimation because it's in Dallas which is an awful place*, and because I thought I heard people were mad at them for keeping some content off of Crunchyroll or something? I don't really know

*I'm in Houston, no disrespect to my D-town friens, it's just your city is terrible :evilbuddy:

# ¿ Jun 16, 2018 20:05

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rump buttman posted:

wearing Birkenstocks with socks is great and it saddens me that this is the hill I’m going to die on

I'm sorry. You are not dying on hill buddy

Because you'll never make the hike with your stockinged feet slipping around in your sandals :evilbuddy:

# ¿ Jun 16, 2018 20:21

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But yeah, naw, if I have to ask myself if a thread idea is too mean, I clearly actually think it is

# ¿ Jun 16, 2018 20:24

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FactsAreUseless posted:

[at the beginning of all creation] Orange you glad I didn't say 'I am?'

God: knock knock

Adam and Eve: who's there

God: tree of knowledge

Adam and Eve: tree of knowledge who

God: got 'eeeeeem!

# ¿ Jun 16, 2018 23:05

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There once was a man from Nantucket
Who met a young man from Quebec
They both were amused
As themselves they abused
And gripped tightly one another's neck

# ¿ Aug 25, 2018 00:23

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mountaincat posted:

Any handyman can build your IKEA furniture.
But only I can make it Art.

instructions? hahahaha no. we won't be limiting our shelves like that

# ¿ May 26, 2019 04:40

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Manifisto posted:

why was your dick tied around a lady's--you know what, never mind

lol

# ¿ May 26, 2019 04:44

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so you have probably heard of the paleo diet

i am on the palamino diet

i eat apples, carrots, oats and hay

on cheat day i get a sugar cube

# ¿ Oct 5, 2019 07:54

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i hung sketches of the french quarter in new orleans by my toilet, so that when i pee i feel i am doing it in a safe place

# ¿ Oct 5, 2019 08:09

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HAVE I MENTIONED MY JOKJE ABOUT PEOPLE ON BICYCLES?!?

its pretty much theyre on bicycles.

*pedals away*

# ¿ Oct 5, 2019 08:10

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Why doesn't anyone appreciate my Rain Man impression at the office?

# ¿ Oct 18, 2019 05:04

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who wants to go get lunch, Julie asks

"I'm an excellent driver" i quip, in a perfect imitation of Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man

but they always send Maurice

# ¿ Oct 18, 2019 05:06

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walking by Raul's desk, "that's my pen"

he just rolls his eyes like doesn't get it

the film won 4)(four) academy awards!

# ¿ Oct 18, 2019 05:07

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HR called me in because they said my mimicking a person with different mental faculties was problematic

well it wasn't problematic when Dustin Hoffman did it, in a film that grossed 172M USD in 88-89!

# ¿ Oct 18, 2019 05:11

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Cubone posted:

Whom does one call when there's something strange in the neighborhood?
One calls the Ghostbusters
Whom does one call when there's something weird and it doesn't look good?
One calls the Ghostbusters

I'm not afraid of ghosts
I'm not afraid of ghosts

u made me lol on the bus

# ¿ Oct 22, 2019 22:22

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SardonicTyrant posted:

following the exploits of humanity as it has ghost adventures.

... bro

did it just get cold right here bro?

# ¿ Nov 10, 2019 02:30

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# ¿ May 6, 2024 20:50

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canyoneer posted:

hell's kitchen freezes over

# ¿ Jan 10, 2020 23:19

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > Jokes that are good but you can't be bothered to develop a thread for

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