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The Ring except it's an edible and if you take it you'll be super high in seven days
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Apr 22, 2019 01:52
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May 15, 2024 10:14
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Babe I'm Gonna Steam Hams
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Apr 23, 2019 17:23
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"Hey, guys, I got a new thing for us to do. I'm calling it 'Cards.'"
Do we get to drink?
"Hell yeah, we're gonna get slammed."
Oh word well then I'm in.
"Yep, gonna get drunk and do some math."
Wait what?
"Don't worry it's not that complicated. Only like fifty pieces."
Fifty but
"In a lot of colors too."
How do
"And some of the cards have symbols that are also numbers."
That sounds very complex actually. I think you'll get get the Card Laurels for quite a while.
"Oh there's no laurels or anything."
That's nice just a friendly, non-competitive
"We'll play for all your money."
for best results read this in your best Mitchell & Webb voices
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Apr 28, 2019 19:37
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dad convention ends in violence after someone touches the drat thermostat
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May 3, 2019 05:18
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deconstructed applesauce (an apple and a hammer)
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May 17, 2019 03:45
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link at the bottom of a website that says "support" and if you click it the website says "thanks, I needed that"
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May 19, 2019 01:55
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teppanyaki restaurant but we only sell flapjacks
getting teppanyaki ordered delivery
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May 26, 2019 04:30
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you know that ghost story about the lady who would never remove the ribbon tied around her neck until she died and when she did her head fell off? i got the same thing with my dick
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May 26, 2019 04:41
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2-in-1 ouija board/pregnancy test
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May 28, 2019 18:00
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a rash-share app, FlashRash
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Jun 2, 2019 06:11
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Semiotic Betrayal: The Long Reign of the Dickfour
by Donald Eazenhuts
with forward by Arnold S. Essex
an esteemed graduate of the University of Ligma's BOFA program
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Jun 9, 2019 01:30
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Every time I read the news, I die a little on the inside. But my outside looks great. I get compliments all the time!
in your attic there's a portrait of you getting sadder
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Jun 10, 2019 17:30
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sometimes you just want the Beyond Meat of eating rear end
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Jun 12, 2019 07:48
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Pockets made of skin. Your skin or someone else's. Coming soon: blood wallet, cartilage phone case. Only at Macy's.
there was an F Plus episode about bodymods where someone wanted to do this
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Jun 16, 2019 19:27
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https://thefpl.us/episode/91
idk the actual timestamp
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Jun 16, 2019 20:05
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When you think about it, we are all just giant meat pockets, storing all those organs, bones and stuff.
the human body is a sandwich
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Jun 17, 2019 18:03
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failed SV startups
Hell Fresh: delivering a fresh hell every week
Bark Box but it's tree bark
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Jun 27, 2019 06:43
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make your mama sad type
help give eardrops to your cat type
get rabies from a bat type
skeebidy doo doo wabba scat type
i'm a baaad guy
i'm that poo poo post
all in lowercase post
really easy dick joke
aiming for that "5" vote
i'm a poo poo post duh
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Jun 30, 2019 23:14
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using an oversized game show spinner to determine which weed you get to smoke that day
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Jul 8, 2019 01:37
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Innocent but terrifying phrases:
Amateur electrician
Narcoleptic pilot
lemonade, mostly piss-less
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Jul 18, 2019 01:42
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patch notes: nerfed asparagus scent
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Jul 18, 2019 05:48
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oh god help i got stuck on thomas friedmans mobius strip treadmill of mixed metaphors
i got trapped in a malcolm gladwell book and i have to practice escaping for 10,000 hours before i can break free
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Jul 27, 2019 19:35
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king of the hill text adventure game
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Aug 18, 2019 02:29
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my dad is so much happier now that he has free range canadian tire time with other dads
my dad's a rescue
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Sep 16, 2019 09:11
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no one can truly cancel someone if they have not first cancelled themselves.
One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.
After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."
He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I cancelled you."
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Oct 17, 2019 19:32
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the masked poster
like the masked singer but with posting
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Dec 25, 2019 07:53
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Hell’s Kitchen but it actually takes place in hell
Heck's Kitchen
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May 10, 2020 22:08
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If the Founding Fathers were Founding Dads.
"We just drafted a new document. It's called the Constitution."
"Really? What's it about?"
"It's about four pages."
"We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."
"Hi the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America, I'm Dad"
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May 19, 2020 05:32
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a man walks into a talent agency and says, "boy I got a great act for ya, wait til you see it, it's a family act"
the talent agent says "okay pal, what do you call it?" and the man says "the aristocrats"
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May 23, 2020 07:39
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Clifford the Big Red Rocket
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Jun 16, 2020 05:43
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an atheist mantis who also wears a little hat and cargo shorts
(tips fedora) m'antis
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Jun 18, 2020 01:20
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The general concept of going up on somebody
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Jun 21, 2020 22:12
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"We uncovered this layer here after 68 previous attempts"
"Gneiss!"
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Jul 14, 2021 02:16
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May 15, 2024 10:14
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This is the sequel to District 9
District 69
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Jul 19, 2021 19:58
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Apr 22, 2019 01:52
