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Magnetic North
Dec 15, 2008

Beware the Forest's Mushrooms

all-Rush mixtape posted:

New England Patriots fans for playing the victim card while having Mr. Thomas Brady win them five (five!) Super Bowls.

As a Pats fan, I am produce to be seconding New England Patriots fans.

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Magnetic North
Dec 15, 2008

Beware the Forest's Mushrooms
Trent Dilfer. Not only does Trent Dilfer suck, he officially sucks, based on this totally official statement.

Magnetic North
Dec 15, 2008

Beware the Forest's Mushrooms
Pats Fans.

It is absolutely unreal the loving pretzels that Pats fans will bend themselves into in order to never dare besmirch the good name of the team. Every move is perfect. They never have a moral failing or make an error. Remember when they picked up Michael Floyd off of waivers when Arizona cut him after his DUI? When losing a million bucks would have been a fair punishment, the Pats threw him a life preserver as his still running car was sinking into an ocean of booze. And for what? Depth? And that one (admittedly sweet) block? Oh and I'm pretty sure he loving alligator arm'd to cause an interception in one of those games. Yes, the NFL is full of shitheads and felons, but the Pats pretend they are different with all that Patriot Way crap. So when they fail to live up to that, they should get poo poo over it. On the contrary, I heard a ton of townie toadies with their Wikipedia law degrees calling into sports radio that week defending the action. Half of the time, it wasn't even football reasons, talking about 'not convicted' and 'second chances' but if they passed on him and Pittsburgh took him, you know they'd change their tune.

Magnetic North
Dec 15, 2008

Beware the Forest's Mushrooms

Cavauro posted:

hall of fame

Seconded.

Magnetic North
Dec 15, 2008

Beware the Forest's Mushrooms
People who insisted Kaep disrespected the troops. Once problems become un-ignorable and voices appeal to our consciences for change, some people attempt to drown that out by loudly proclaiming your support of something necessary and commendable (in this case, voluntary military service) solely as a means to create a platform with which to denigrate those who disagree with their worldview. This show is all just to avoid having to ask the themselves the question, "Is it possible that I am privileged enough to be unaware of a longstanding injustice in my beloved country?"

gently caress those people.

Magnetic North
Dec 15, 2008

Beware the Forest's Mushrooms
Whitlock. One of the douchiest things to do is to refuse to change while being simultaneously offended when you are not showered with adulation. It's possible you aren't selling what they want, friendo. Not everyone can be loved for who they are, and if you aren't one of those people, you can either must pander to be beloved, or you can be yourself but remain unloved.

Magnetic North
Dec 15, 2008

Beware the Forest's Mushrooms
Thomas "Never Count Out Touchdown Tom" Brady. I'll save the specifics for a later round. I don't know if I'd say what Reed did was douchey, as much as just normal criminal.

Magnetic North
Dec 15, 2008

Beware the Forest's Mushrooms
Patriots Fans. Want a recent example? Yes, it's not from last year, but it's indicative. Read this whiny Pats fan complaining about the 'cheating scandal' over the Colts earplugs thing. Or don't read it. It's so bad. It's douche-chill inducing. Then, when people rightly call him out on his bullshit, he has to backpedal and claim it was all in jest. But who is he writing this trash for? Pats fans. This is what they want. They want to continue to be victims even after they just won the loving Super Bowl in the same season the league levied its punishments. Pats fans love this dick whistle. They would probably elect this guy Alderman of Proper Ball Inflation. Or as it's known coloquially, your local Ballderman.

Goddamn, I really wish I could vote for that other dirtbag, because that guy is a real huge piece of poo poo. The thing is, he's still only a man. Well, let's be fair; I dunno if we can call him that because real men stand up to injustice and respect women, but you know what I mean. He's a single person. There are just not enough hours in the day for him to outdouche the vociferous vinegary douchecloud that hangs over Pats Nation.

Magnetic North
Dec 15, 2008

Beware the Forest's Mushrooms

sean10mm posted:

I understand, but there are probably pediatric oncologists saving the lives of children from horrifying diseases and people like that who cheer for Tom Brady, so eh.

On average Boston sports fans are god-awful for sure.

Don't pretend like a Pats fan can become less terrible just because they are a decent human being.

Magnetic North
Dec 15, 2008

Beware the Forest's Mushrooms
Don't make me choose. :(

Magnetic North
Dec 15, 2008

Beware the Forest's Mushrooms
Mark Davis because I don't know whether or not he has a dog, but if he does, I am certain it is not named Bark Davis, and if he doesn't it has no name and therefore is not named Bark Davis.

Magnetic North
Dec 15, 2008

Beware the Forest's Mushrooms

Zurreco posted:

Fronk Clork

A broken Clork is wright three times a day. One vote for Fork Cork please.

Magnetic North
Dec 15, 2008

Beware the Forest's Mushrooms
Leperflesh already quoted my thesis statement here, but let's take another angle on this.

You may or may not remember 5 years ago when a video of Robert Kraft was leaked where he was doing something a little silly with a woman 40 years his junior:

Wikipedia posted:

In June 2012, Kraft began dating actress Ricki Noel Lander. In July 2012, Kraft assisted Lander in creating an audition video for a role in The Internship, a then-upcoming Vince Vaughn/Owen Wilson film. In the video, Kraft reads Wilson's lines for a bikini-clad Landers, dances briefly, curses, and throws a punch at another actor. After an anonymously supplied copy of the video was hosted on the Barstool Sports website, it went viral and became a subject of commentary on late-night television."

Now, February-December relationship aside, his public response was pretty chill.

Wikipedia posted:

Kraft issued a statement saying "I tried to help Ricki prepare an audition tape ... I never intended that it would be made public and I regret that it has. I think we can all agree that Owen Wilson has nothing to worry about. I am going to stick to my day job.

He owned up to it, and had a little fun at his own expense. Remember, this guy is a loving billionare. He could have done all manner of terrible poo poo to the institution that leaked this footage. Whether he didn't exact revenge because he thinks it'd be bad for the brand or because he found a way to cope with the embarrassment, no one can say. But you can't say anything about this is douchey.

Why am I talking about this, since it was not from this year? It's a parable. I want you to imagine what Jason Whitlock would have done if something like that had been released about him. He would have complained that it should never had been made public, and that it was unfair for people to mock him for just helping out a dear friend in need, and also it's your fault that you don't like his acting skills and how he's actually great and understands what the kids like and why can't he get people to rally behind him in his defense. We would still be hearing about the aftermath today.

Skwirl posted:

I hate to not vote for the Trump supporting Patriots owner

In Foundation and Empire, Magnifico describes why he was kept around by the Mule; he says he amused the Mule with his weakness and wretchedness, or something like that. If it came out that Kraft had a similar reason for keeping attachments to Trump, I would not be surprised.

Magnetic North
Dec 15, 2008

Beware the Forest's Mushrooms
Too busy to effort post, but Tom "Avacado Ice Cream" Brady.

Magnetic North
Dec 15, 2008

Beware the Forest's Mushrooms
This one is tough. My instinct is to vote for Brady. But what is doucheier, pretending to be more than you are like Brady? Or pretending to be just another guy when you don't behave that way like Davis? Brady is arguably closer to what he pretends to be, in that he has a certain greatness but he has just overstated it wildly. There is nothing "just another guy" about a silver-spoon supercuts-sneeze simpleton prick like Davis.

First off, I'm not going to blame Brady for finding a way to cheat the system and get paid what he deserves outside the cap. That's more on Kraft than him, and he has a competitive reason to accept the plan because it gives the team more room to work with. If the other owners or the NFLPA don't like it, then I suggest they loving do something about it, or just join the club and become landlords for their player's snake oil clinics too. Brady's antics are super douchey bordering on a God complex: He's the male Gwyneth Paltrow, except instead of steaming your genitals he wants you to reduce the pressure in your balls.

But it just doesn't have the profound impact of what Davis did. Normally, what a business does to gently caress people over doesn't rank on the douche scale, because I believe douche implies a moral component; it's doing something you shouldn't, or conducting yourself in a way you shouldn't. Corporations are non-moral actors and non-people, despite what Mittchum Romney says. However, there are at least two times where it's a bit different: when the people being hosed are employees or when they are fans rather than normal customers. Employees depend on the corporation acting with their interests in mind, and fans support you out of a non-business interest and cannot always just go to another vendor like a normal customer can. Doing either wrong is preying on their vulnerability, though to different degrees. The number of people harmed and the special circumstances of sport mean it exists on the douche scale in a way that it does not if Amazon or GE were to move in the same way.

I think I have to give it to Davis.

Magnetic North
Dec 15, 2008

Beware the Forest's Mushrooms

Neil Armbong posted:

I'll cast my first vote in this contest for the Kaep people. Over the past decade, the most insufferable group of people to emerge from a growing number of them are the military jock sniffers. All the military people I've met and known didn't need a bunch of arm chair generals getting offended on their behalf.

I think this has to win out because of the grotesque way that the NFL has wrapped itself in militaristic patriotism. They are basically saying:

"Are you questioning whether this dangerous sport played by comparatively underpaid young men is worth their lifelong injuries just so you can feel a twinge of your excitement in your twisted, selfish, cholesterol-encrusted heart? After pretending to listen while sitting in church and making sure people see that you put a 5 in the collection plate, are you feeling guilty about how these men get their brains liquefied just so you can feel some camaraderie with other like-minded local boobs without the actual trouble of actually getting to know them or exposing yourself for the shallow uninteresting dullard you truly are?

Don't worry your empty little head over it. We can alleviate that guilt with a handy distraction. Now, being the vapid, fruitless cultural wasteland that America is today, we are aware that there is so little remaining of value that has not already been strip mined and paved over. Fortunately for us, we lack the necessary shred of human decency to consider anything sacrosanct, so please join us in desecrating one of the last few unselfish noble goods left to our soulless, nihilistic collective: voluntary military service. Why yes, the sacrifice of these athlete's golden years is just like the noble sacrifice of the men and women who die young because they believed in something greater than themselves. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Oh, and in exchange for all that we've done for you, would you occasionally mind channeling this energy into social roadblocks to things that challenge the status quo? Thanks, you're a doll."

And the Kaep People basically say, "Yup."

Magnetic North
Dec 15, 2008

Beware the Forest's Mushrooms
I cannot vote for Tom Brady in good conscience. I visited his center last week. His miracle workers cured my lugubriousness and myopia. They also greatly eased my scrivener's palsy, and showed me how to protect myself against fan death. Also, they gave my thetans a fresh coat of wax. I decided to treat myself and upgrade to the Gold package. It includes these pills that will allow me to induce or cure homosexuality, so I can watch NFL games and have the exact right kind of impure thoughts I desire.

One vote for Mister Clay Travis, senator.

Magnetic North
Dec 15, 2008

Beware the Forest's Mushrooms

Eifert Posting posted:

How did Tom Brady steal from kids?

https://www.bostonglobe.com/sports/...9iLI/story.html

Magnetic North
Dec 15, 2008

Beware the Forest's Mushrooms
Looks like this is over. By my estimation, the Spanos Fam are up 28-3... wait a second... 28-3? It's serendipity. Do you know who was also down 28-3? It was in all the papers.

Thomas "Never Count Out Motherfucking "Touchdown Mother "loving" loving Tom" Tom" Brady".

All you fans out there, you know you loving hate him. He's the biggest douche in the universe because his life is perfect and filled with endless undeserved adulation and supermodels and success and your empty life is filled with envy and failure and microwave dinners and kidney stones. You hate that by sheer cosmic mishap, two of the cruelest most wretched people who deserve nothing but scorn found each other to fusion dance their douchiness into a team at exactly the right time for Mo Lewis to deliver multiple championships on a punctured lung to sour, bitter, most likely racist fans.

Everything that he does, people forgive. Cheating? Whining? Supporting Trump? Stealing from kids? Selling quack medical treatments? Undermining his fellow players' attempt to get paid? Remember that loving long hair from a few years ago? It might not be so bad if he regretted some of it, but he doesn't have a remorseful bone in his body. He did have a remorseful bone in Bridget Moynahan: how very loving Christian of you. Goddamn, what a huge douche.

He is partially responsible for Boston being called Title Town. That's omega-level douche right there, just for contributing. He's so douchey, he recorded a commercial for some drat thing that involved his 5th super bowl ring... in September before he even stepped on the field.

I know there are tons of AFC East posters in here. Bills fans and Phins fans. Probably not Jets fans, but maybe? A vote for Tom Brady is a vote for an end to your multi-decade suffering. If he were never born, all your rear end in a top hat townie chucklefuck friends would be cowed into silence by your Dan Marino stories and tales of Broadway Joe... well, probably not Broadway Joe, but you get the idea.

Clap if you believe in Tom Brady, and believe he's a huge douche. You can save him, bring him back to life and he can win this contest. But only if you believe in him. Miracles can happen.

No matter what happens, no matter what they say, never ever count out Touchdown Tom.

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Magnetic North
Dec 15, 2008

Beware the Forest's Mushrooms

fsif posted:

Also that old Deflategate thread owned early on because it was a mix of unbridled glee and Pats fans agreeing with Brady's father calling it "Framegate" lol

That thread did own. gently caress Pats fans. Myself included.

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