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Citing general consumer apathy and ambivalence towards clowns, McDonald's announced today that second-string company mascot Grimace would become the primary face of the fast food chain, replacing long-time chain icon Ronald McDonald. "We feel that Grimace better embodies what the McDonald's corporation and its consumer base is about - being fat, slow-minded, weirdly colored, and with a name that succinctly describes the general McDonald's experience", said company spokeswoman Tiffany Tamborn while waiting in line for the slide at a Florida water park. |
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Nov 11, 2017 00:17
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| # ? May 21, 2024 11:55 |
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Luladel Footwear, the last manufacturer of giant floppy clown shoes in the world, announced it would be shutting down its Erie, PA factory and transitioning into a "managed healthcare IT services" company (whatever that means). It cited the shift as being due to the realization that their business model was, quite literally, clown shoes. The company's Erie workforce (all four of them) were last seen patching up their trousers, stocking up on cans of beans, putting a stick through their tied-up handkerchief of meager possessions, and watching the local freight rail line intently. ---------------- |
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Nov 11, 2017 00:19
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Wall Street ratings maker Farnum Bullion downgraded clown investment vehicles to an "F" rating. "There are way too many people clown- I mean, crowding into these risky investment vehicles. There's no way all of them will get back out intact when the momentum slows down and everything comes to a stop.", stated Paul Lester, a market analyst. When asked if he was trying to invoke a clown car metaphor, Mr. Lester replied, "Yeah, I am. Except instead of twenty five whole clowns popping out of a vehicle that is sized for one, it's just going to be a bloody wave of gore and viscera." This reporter quickly logged into her smartphone and made adjustments to her 401K portfolio after this interview. ---------------- |
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Nov 11, 2017 00:26
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Sex offender registrations take toll on clowning professionals The FBI released a report yesterday that showed an increase in sex offender registrations among professional clowns for 2016. The bureau was quick to point out that not all professional clowns are inherent perverts, however, and stated that 40% of the new clown registrations were just for "indecent exposure without intent". The most common performer sex crime scenario in the Bureau's survey of criminal complaints involved pants malfunctions and/or the exposure of genitalia during the "pulling a rainbow handkerchief rope from my baggy trousers" gag. The National Association of Clowning expressed its concern as the effect on clown livelihoods that the surge in registrations will have, and gave the URL to its "Pack it Right or Pack for Prison" awareness campaign for novice performers. ---------------- |
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Nov 11, 2017 00:51
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Clown college lost its accreditation after allegations of severe overcrowding |
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Nov 12, 2017 12:33
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Nobody is calling for kids' birthdays anymore. It's mostly people who want me to lurk around the woods, near some old house, or by the school. If its not creepy clown work, it's an "adventurous couple". Getting really tired of explaining that I don't do that kind of party. |
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Nov 12, 2017 18:36
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Hugh Malone posted:Nobody is calling for kids' birthdays anymore. It's mostly people who want me to lurk around the woods, near some old house, or by the school. If its not creepy clown work, it's an "adventurous couple". Getting really tired of explaining that I don't do that kind of party. Wow, that's counter to that one recent survey that said Millennials rank clowns lower than magicians, mall Santas, and the Easter Bunny in terms of sex appeal. Clowns, jesters, harlequins, buffoons - Millennials are say "no thanks" and having sex with their million dollar Iphones instead. ---------------- |
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Nov 13, 2017 06:45
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At a dusty go kart track along an interstate highway, an unwanted clown looks forlornly through the fence at all the happy families and birthday celebrations going on. A little boy, attending a birthday party, grabs a slice of cake and cup of fruit punch and starts making his way towards the clown. The clown's expression brightens, but his hopes of human compassion are quickly doused as the boy's parents run up and grab him. The cake and punch fall out of the boy's hands onto the go kart track's asphalt parking lot as they drag him back towards the entrance, making a sticky mess of a meal for ants, seagulls, and other verminous creatures that inhabit the local environment. As the boy's mother admonishes him, his father looks back at the clown. Not with hatred in his eyes, or sympathy; just glaring disapproval. The clown sees this, but doesn't avert his gaze. He continues to stare straight ahead as the trio enter the go kart track. He hears the faint ringing of the arcade prize machines as the door opens, and then it dies off, leaving just the sound of passing highway traffic and the wind. The clown eyes the cake and punch on the ground, already spoiled with ants. He contemplates stomping on them, scarfing down the mushed up cake slice in defiance of social decorum, being the pariah everyone treats him as. His thoughts are interrupted by a plastic beverage container thrown from a passing vehicle that smacks him in the back of the head, making him stumble forward a bit into the fence bars. Money's money, even if he has to get the third degree from the convenience store clerk one exit down the road about daily redemption limits. The clown turns around, leans over, picks up the bottle. Great. Another "trucker bomb" full of urine. Carefully unscrewing the cap more so than might be warranted, considering the situation, the clown turns the bottle upside down to drain the urine, and then curses when most of it splashes all over his big floppy shoes and the hem of his baggy polka-dot trousers. Sighing as the last of the urine trickles out of the bottle, he looks at the label. Great again. Non-carbonated iced tea, not redeemable for a deposit in this state. The clown drops the bottle, turns his gaze to the highway, and pulls a skinny, worn-out red balloon from his patched (for both costuming and repair purposes) trousers. Watching the traffic fly by at sixty miles an hour, he begins to blow up the balloon. Above, a hawk circles in the sky. Its cry is one that no one but the unwanted clown can hear. ---------------- |
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Nov 13, 2017 07:58
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Just as Chuck Palahniuk grossed out all those people at bookstore appearances with that one story of his, I seemed to get nothing but applause for that story at my bookstore signings. Which really wasn't the reaction I was going for! ---------------- |
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Nov 13, 2017 08:01
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A hobo clown sitting on the corner, jingling what sounds to be a couple of coins in a tin cup. When you look down, a squirt of water shoots out of the cup into your face and the clown stands up and runs in circles while honking a horn. He really does need money but keeps missing out due to his uncontrollable silly antics.
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Nov 13, 2017 11:51
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CLOWN RETIREMENT AGE AT AN ALL-TIME HIGH "No poo poo," muttered Blinky, and he made a point of whisking the discarded newspaper aside with his walker as he made his way out to the rodeo arena. |
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Nov 13, 2017 20:38
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How are some clowns making it in these tough clowning times? One clown moved to the remote Alaskan bush to practice his craft, clowning seven days a week at a bar there. "I get by on my check from the state's Permanent Fund, the occasional loan from my parents, and scarfing down leftovers that the miners, loggers, and freaks leave behind on the tables." Another clown is "making it" in the very expensive living environment of New York City. "I sell hot dogs in the streets sixteen hours a day, and wash dishes on the weekends. I still manage to devote two hours to clown busking on the streets every second Wednesday." And finally, a third moved to the cheaper living environment of rural Arkansas. His secret methodology? "Oh, I don't really clown anymore. My business is now in buying, selling, and renting used farm equipment." he revealed. He further went on to say that he still put on his clown face on the weekends, to remind himself of where he came from and where he could be again if he messed up. So take heart out there, clowns! You might be fresh out of clown college, in a tight job market full of employers who don't care about you, but with a little "thinking around the balloon animal", you too can make it as a clown and maybe not live in a car. ---------------- |
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Nov 13, 2017 23:20
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back before the financial crash we were all told to go to clown college "you'll be raking in cash" etc. well turns out demand is down, the marked is saturated and clowning is basically a dying trade |
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Nov 14, 2017 11:45
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lots of folks around here keep blaming their hard times on foreign clowns driving wages down, but in reality the basic economic foundations that made clowning profitable to begin with have been swept away by technological advance. sure, you might be able to find a few "crafts-clowns" in the bigger cities, but the hard truth is, those clown job are never coming back |
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Nov 14, 2017 11:49
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industrial scale clowning boomed in post war america, mainly due to the fact that most clown infrastructure had been destroyed elsewhere. by the 80's the global clowning capacity was so high that this country was effectively subsidizing millions of unprofitable clown positions |
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Nov 14, 2017 11:51
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i remember the time of the dot com bubble. back in those days clownshoes.com, rednose, and howmanyinthecar.org and other websites were thrown up overnight and made millions. wallstreet was throwing pies and dollars at the fad and greenspan himself showed up at a meeting of the Fed in a polka dot suit, rouged up like a two-dollar whore, and made the prime rate officially three squeezes of a bicycle horn and squirt from a fake flower sooner or later though you have to turn a profit and when the clowns kept reaching into their pockets and pulling out handkerchief after handkerchief and no stock splits everything came to a halt. now-a-days the big clown companies are outsourcing all their jobs to singapore and india. the only successful sites left are niche sites delivering faygo to juggalos same-day. 
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Nov 14, 2017 16:20
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Nosfereefer posted:lots of folks around here keep blaming their hard times on foreign clowns driving wages down, but in reality the basic economic foundations that made clowning profitable to begin with have been swept away by technological advance. sure, you might be able to find a few "crafts-clowns" in the bigger cities, but the hard truth is, those clown job are never coming back Google's automated car division is putting the finishing touches on a clowning algorithm (however that works, IT'S A MYSTERY). You think ten, twenty, or forty clowns appearing to roll out of a vintage BMW Isetta in the middle of a sawdust-covered circus ring is impressive? Imagine being able to call a car to your location from anywhere you have cell phone reception, and having infinite computer-generated "dumb agent" clowns spill out of it. It wouldn't just be a seemingly authentic clown experience; it would be a clown experience-plus! Hell, you'd only be paying for the car to arrive (assuming advertisers weren't subsidizing its operation to begin with) - the clowns are a freebie in this model. ---------------- |
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Nov 14, 2017 21:47
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the history of all hitherto existing society is the history of clown struggles free man and glee slave, patrician and actor, lord and fool, guild-master and juggler, in a word, amuser and amused, stood in constant opposition to one another |
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Nov 14, 2017 22:42
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Nosfereefer posted:the history of all hitherto existing society is the history of clown struggles makes u think about a pie in the face of our oppressors |
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Nov 14, 2017 22:57
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"THERE'S NO MONEY IN CLOWNING AROUND ANYMORE!" I scream at my father as his eyes begin to water and his white makeup begins to run.
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Nov 14, 2017 23:06
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Went to buy new clown shoes, but couldn't find any that didn't fit |
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Nov 15, 2017 00:17
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You would think getting a bunch of laughs at clown college is a good thing. Not so when they are laughing you out of the place because you can't afford tuition! It used to be you could work your way through clown college like my grandclown did!
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Nov 15, 2017 01:41
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Twenty Four posted:A hobo clown sitting on the corner, jingling what sounds to be a couple of coins in a tin cup. When you look down, a squirt of water shoots out of the cup into your face and the clown stands up and runs in circles while honking a horn. He really does need money but keeps missing out due to his uncontrollable silly antics. You know you've hit clown bottom when the moths for your "pulling out empty pockets" gag are in hock and you're facing the dilemma of eating your last cream pie or using it for one last shot at finding a paying clown gig. Speaking of gigs for desperate clowns...sorry to say it, but the demand for "clown bottoms" is just not there. ---------------- |
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Nov 16, 2017 00:43
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Kthulhu5000 posted:You know you've hit clown bottom when the moths for your "pulling out empty pockets" gag are in hock and you're facing the dilemma of eating your last cream pie or using it for one last shot at finding a paying clown gig. Also, "big tops" aren't what you think they are. ---------------- |
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Nov 16, 2017 00:44
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Kthulhu5000 posted:Also, "big tops" aren't what you think they are. lol
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Nov 16, 2017 12:01
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you think clowning today is tough? back in they day we would be sent into the pit, eight to twelve clowns at a time before the screaming crowds until one clown was left standing. after that, it was back to the cell until the next day's laughter |
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Nov 16, 2017 15:42
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There used to be clowns who spoke out about the injustices in the clown industry, but the anti-clown camp took up the war cry, and shouted itself hoarse, and mobbed any honest clown who ventured to open his mouth; and presently such mouths ceased to open, and anyway that's where mimes come from. |
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Nov 16, 2017 16:04
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it feels like... just yesterday I was honking my way through clown college..with girls in the backseat of my unicycle! *bowtie spins rapidly and makes a loud wooping noise until I stop it with my hand* |
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Nov 16, 2017 19:10
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Yeah, that’s right. it was cool to be a clown baby! You had: Money, Women, children. Now? Now it just feels like a pie in the face |
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Nov 16, 2017 19:14
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Nosfereefer posted:you think clowning today is tough? back in they day we would be sent into the pit, eight to twelve clowns at a time before the screaming crowds until one clown was left standing. after that, it was back to the cell until the next day's laughter took me a sec 
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Nov 16, 2017 22:16
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Nosfereefer posted:you think clowning today is tough? back in they day we would be sent into the pit, eight to twelve clowns at a time before the screaming crowds until one clown was left standing. after that, it was back to the cell until the next day's laughter I heard that one of those big shot Rio de Janeiro favela crimelords has his own personal clown ranch in a big warehouse. Recently, the door to it was blown open by a policeman's grenade during one of those big shootouts that happen during crime raids in the city, and all the clowns escaped. I guess the whole city is in a state of emergency over it, because mistreated clowns trained to cavort to the death are a definite public health menace. ---------------- |
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Nov 16, 2017 22:28
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“Binky, I thought I told you to sweep and mop the dining room and restock the pie case!” “Sorry, Mr. Bozo! I can’t juggle all of these responsibilities alone!” paul_soccer12 posted:everyone in the idf must die |
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Nov 18, 2017 22:13
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I stood before the Clownfather, frozen in fear. He extended his hand, normally a gesture of mutual respect, hands coming together, shaking. My palms were sweaty with anxiety as I held my breath, closed my eyes, and took his hand. Anticipation gave way to surprise. I wasn’t shocked. “You are a Made Clown now,” said the Clownfather, as he squeezed his big red nose and honked the horn pinned to his jacket. paul_soccer12 posted:everyone in the idf must die |
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Nov 18, 2017 22:17
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How in the hell do they fit so many in the Clown Chamber of Commerce???
paul_soccer12 posted:everyone in the idf must die |
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Nov 18, 2017 22:18
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Looks like those clowns in commerce did it again. What a bunch of clowns |
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Nov 19, 2017 01:24
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Drink-Mix Man posted:Looks like those clowns in commerce did it again. What a bunch of clowns |
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Nov 19, 2017 07:46
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| # ? May 21, 2024 11:55 |
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Drink-Mix Man posted:Looks like those clowns in commerce did it again. What a bunch of clowns ---------------- |
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Nov 19, 2017 08:09
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