(Thread IKs:
Josherino)
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every loving day for as long as i can remember i’ve had suicidal/self-harm thoughts i’m a fuckin joke my first psychologist said “all advice you get, you push back on. it looks like you don’t want to get better.” i guess it’s true, i wouldn’t know what to do with myself if i didn’t fuckin hate myself. i slept, drank, gamed, smoked away my 20s. held some part time jobs but never really spent my money. i didnt get my license (failed 3 times and gave up). didnt move out (rent’s too expensive). now im going on 31 and i have done nothing 10 months ago i quit drinking. a month ago i quit video games. last week i quit weed. it’s all been quite easy… i wasn’t really getting enjoyment from any of it, i guess. did i ever? i cant get myself to talk to people because i’ve only got sad sack poo poo on my mind. and i always feel like im bothering or annoying them. a lifetime of bullies/friends/family telling me i’m annoying, that my tastes are weird, etc. might have something to do with it and now everything is getting even more expensive, more scarce. my back hurts even more. there’s no way i can work the hours required to afford my own life. i’ll live with my parents until they die, at which point i’ll end up living under a bridge, if i make it that long. idk what i’m trying to get to. typing it out makes me feel 1% better. it’s not like i’ll take any advice to heart lol thx for reading these scrambled thoughts ?
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Feb 9, 2022 07:21
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| # ¿ May 11, 2024 23:40 |
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thanks for the kind wordz
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Feb 10, 2022 02:58
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hailthefish posted:You sure about that one chief? some things will get better, some things will get worse. hopefully more better and less worse but yeah just gotta post thru it
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Feb 14, 2022 01:41
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MaximilianK posted:I once paid my therapist $200 and she just sat and cried for an hour. Oh well *sharing the hardest stuff for 49 minutes* “wow, that’s rough. that’s all the time we have, see you in two weeks!” and then she retired
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Apr 22, 2022 00:33
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I’m so sorry. my condolences.
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May 18, 2022 14:52
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i’m havin a bad i finally talked with a therapist yesterday. the amount of work i’ll have to put in to reach any of my goals is overwhelming. considering i haven’t enjoyed anything in years… <snip> like why fuckin bother, everything is boring and i’m not interested mod edit: removed some personal information (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST) Somebody has issued a correction as of 16:32 on Jun 5, 2022 |
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Jun 2, 2022 01:59
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Yeah I should be more patient. I feel like i’ve been patient my whole life, waiting for school to be over, waiting for my brain to mature and stop being weird (it didnt), waiting to heal from this and that, waiting for god knows what. this year i finally decided to get my driver’s license, and i managed to get it. didn’t make me any happier. succeeding at my goals doesnt make me feel good. now people expect me to buy a car, and i don’t really care to navigate the market and get scammed. that’s kinda how i feel about everything, it’s too fuckin complicated, too easy to gently caress up. the only 'dream' i’ve had was to be somebody else, to not be me. <snip> everything is boring, i dont like or enjoy alcohol or weed anymore, dont enjoy music, games, movies, books, creating art, exercise, food. im always in some kind of pain. always uncomfortable. my limited experience with sex was awful and i didn’t enjoy it at all. i’m so bored. <snip> mod edit: removed some personal information Somebody has issued a correction as of 16:39 on Jun 5, 2022 |
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Jun 2, 2022 16:23
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Uganda Loves Me posted:Have you seen a psychiatrist? Yeah i’ve been seeing one for nearly ten years. Had me on zoloft for most of that which just kept me numb and playing videogame for 18 hrs a day. i stopped taking it earlier this year cus i was depressed even with it and wanted to try going without. before i stopped the z i told him about how i dont enjoy anything and he wanted to increase my dosage. a few years ago i told him i wouldn’t care if i died and then i had to pick up my prescription weekly instead of monthly , cus i was at risk or whatever, so i never brought it back up lol. anyway he’s on vacation until mid july Tulip posted:I've heard this line before from people who did, in fact, try being somebody else and eventually found a new "self" that worked pretty good for them that’s really cool and i wish i could just, not have ridiculous anxiety and self loathing, and just be confident and chill around people. i also wish i had the courage/willpower to transition but i don’t. a single person being lovely to me irl would prob. cause me to self harm again b/c i can’t cope with even perceived rejection good brain v. healthy. it’s all fine tho i just gotta stay away from others and not look in mirrors too much
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Jun 2, 2022 23:47
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Tulip posted:^^^ fuckin sucks, I've been having some pretty bad ones recently The gender stuff i’ve done in private is the only time i’ve felt anything positive recently, i’m about 100% certain i’d be happier if i went all in. allowing myself to do traditionally feminine things is very freeing. i can’t do it in my current situation though. i’d have to move out and that’s just not happening the cheapest rent + basic necessities is about 125% of my income. i’d need a new job with more hours but i’m already always exhausted at 25 hrs/week. i don’t think i could handle living with strangers either. my anxiety is already crippling, i can barely go shopping on my own. i refuse to do anything that would bring any attention to myself. i know that it’s all in my head, that nobody cares or notices anything, but i get sweaty and panicky anyway. i don’t think i deserve much. i give up when things get the slightest bit challenging, i don’t want to struggle, i’m lazy, scared of everything. even when i was interested in things i always half-assed them. i’d rather lie in bed and complain on the internet than actually fix my life. i’d rather pass away than work full time. if i died right now, the only thing i feel i’ll have missed out on entirely is romantic love. for as long as i can remember i’ve believed it wouldn’t happen to me, that i’m uniquely unworthy of it. i’ve never been comfortable around anyone, always nervous, mind going blank, etc. whatever. it was selfish to ever have any hope, i’m terminally lovely and i’d just make anyone who got close to me worse. avoiding others is a net benefit for the world. if i was honest with people they would need therapy better things aren’t possible
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Jun 3, 2022 09:07
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Jorge Bell posted:You are having what read as suicidal thoughts after going off a long term anti-depressant (for good reason! it sounds like Zoloft was not the one for you and it's lovely that your psych increased the dose rather than trial a different one). This is not abnormal but in my non professional experience it sounds like you are at a critical moment where you need to be seeking care. Keep changing things in your life until you feel better. Even if it's just what you eat or watch, you can make simple and easy adjustments while also pursuing changes to your meds, which sound like they weren't jiving with you. Glad you've started therapy, that could be a huge step. A lot of people don't have a space without boundaries where they can be the center of attention. I tried a few different antidepressants when i first started seeing a psychiatrist. I tried 4 or 5 different ones for several months each and none really helped, i stuck with zoloft because i wasn’t getting much side effects. i changed a lot of habits in the past year! i stopped drinking, smoking weed, drastically cut down on video games, started exercising every day. None of it has made me feel any different. If anything my sleep has worsened lol i have a hard time being honest with my psych. i feel bad that the meds don’t help and i could feel him getting impatient/annoyed (probably entirely imagined). i also had trouble staying honest when i last had therapy. i feel like i’m wasting their time cus i don’t really believe i can be 'fixed'. they look so happy and proud when i say that im doing better… regarding current therapy, i have to send another email to schedule the next appointment. i was referred to a few different therapists who know more about gender crap than the therapist i talked to. another decision to make, and i don’t see a clear answer. do i start over with someone else who might be better equipped? do i stick it out with the anxiety focused one? do i do nothing? i’ll just stare at the ceiling, i guess mod edit: removed some personal information Somebody has issued a correction as of 16:43 on Jun 5, 2022 |
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Jun 3, 2022 09:28
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Thank you. It’s quite complicated, if at all possible, to change psychiatrists. Government healthcare can be a painful maze. The waiting list was like ten months when I first started. No guarantee that I won’t get the same one, either. I’d have to find one at a private clinic and spend a shitload of money. I don’t really want to even try any new medications, anyway. I tried five or six different ones and it was all the same, lovely side effects and nothing good. I know there’s plenty I haven’t tried but each new one is like a month of feeling physically crappy in a brand new way, and then feeling personally responsible for not getting any improvements. <snip> ugh. everything is so tedious “things will get better”. i dont believe it. i force myself into positive changes, force myself into and through anxiety-inducing situations and.. i just feel worse. i’m just more aware of more things that make me feel crappy. I bought a ticket for a concert happening next week. It’s going to be my first time driving into the real city. i’ve been hearing about how montréal drivers are awful+aggressive for my entire life. i already reserved a parking space but i’m still super nervous. once i get through all that i’ll still have to find my way around a new place with a huge crowd. i’m not excited, i’m just worried. i really want to stay home, but i’ll force myself to go. i look forward to being on edge for six hours straight! Perry Mason Jar posted:My therapist keeps telling me to do individual actions and local initiatives but that won't get the plastic out of my balls. don’t get me started on pollution and climate change holy gently caress we can do nothing but watch & be forced to participate in the killing of our planet in the name of Profit Thanks. It’s for the best that i’m never really myself around people, that guy’s a real depressing, annoying, pessimistic downer. my social life would be even worse if i was truthful when answering “how are you?” I don’t trust anyone without anonymity. <snip> I have indeed met my share of assholes. i don’t think the people around me are, though. well, kinda. they’ve made me feel like a freak since i could have my own tastes. the music i like is unlistenable, shows/movies i liked are unwatchable, art i like isn’t art, etc. if i change any habits i get questioned “so X isn’t good enough for you anymore?” “since when do you do Y?” “why would you bother doing A if you don’t do B?” very tiring. half my brain power goes to finding excuses and reasons to everything. they’re not explicitly mean about any of it, but i feel 0 respect. There’s no way i could open up in front of a group of strangers that already know each other. just thinking about it has my heart rate going up, my hands clammy, my knees weak. I 100% understand how it can help, but just imagining it is making me lose my hair. i’d be more inclined to enter a boxing match Vs. a brown bear. I do read that thread, along with some other T communities, including a local discord. I don’t participate in any of them. They do give me some hope that this stuff is possible, that there are people doing it and thriving, living their best lives. Good for them. i get very jealous/envious. i wish i had that strength. i’ll stick to lurking, wishing i was them, as i grow my hair out and get my facial hair lasered (because i “hate shaving”). i’ll never leave the house in clothes i like and i’ll never be referred to how I’d like, and that’s ok. StashAugustine posted:The rise of telehealth is nice just to make shopping around easier and lower the barrier to entry I thought I’d find it awkward and bad but it’s actually fine. As long as you have somewhere safe where you won’t get eavesdropped on. just hide in the car! mod edit: removed some personal information Somebody has issued a correction as of 16:46 on Jun 5, 2022 |
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Jun 3, 2022 22:27
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Facing the fact that i didn’t care if i died helped me do things I didn’t dare to do. i might as well do risky poo poo, right? thats why i started driving. i easily get lost in thought and stop paying attention to what i’m doing. i don’t really trust myself to drive but whatever. it’s why i tried shrooms. it’s also why i visited an escort, and why i’m going to a concert alone. i don’t care if i get stabbed or mugged, might as well do things i’ve never done. maybe i’ll feel differently for a little while? in a way i’m hoping that something goes terribly wrong and the experience makes me want to live, or some corny crap like that thanks. every goddamned day is a struggle, i just wish i felt at least 1% better after all my silly daily tasks. i’ve had days where i just can’t deal with life and stay in be. i don’t feel any worse. i thought skipping exercise, hygiene, food would at least make me feel worse? but nope! and yet i’m sticking to it for some fuckin reason. maybe i’ll tell the therapist, if i can get myself to schedule another appointment. i hate seeing my dumb face in the tiny preview window, lol. that’s just a dumb excuse, i’m being lazy about making a decision on who to pick. <snip> I’m repeating myself, but I don’t have the strength to do it. Everything is so loving expensive and scammy. I don’t trust any listings, it’s either too good to be true or too expensive. Moving, getting a new job, buying a car… It’s too much change all at once, too much stress. I have a year’s worth of wages saved up and it would disappear instantly. There’s so few “cheap” apartments, I can’t help but feel that I’d be taking one away from more deserving people. People who actually need it, who don’t have anywhere else to go. Why would I deserve it more than them? I can’t and don’t want to work hard. The only places I could afford are hours away from anyone I know who could help me with anything. I know I’m giving up before I even try, but just thinking about it defeats me. it’s guaranteed that I’d get hosed over a hundred ways. Landlord, insurance, mechanics, furniture, food… I don’t know poo poo. I’d rather be perceived as and referred to like any other woman, but I don’t have the guts to socially transition. I’ve had people use she/her in one videogame and it felt right. it’s not enough to make me happy but it felt good. it’s about as far as i’ll go. i dont dare bring it into the real world. I get embarrassed without anyone around, can’t even do voice training on my own. I’m a lost cause, my brains are loving fried from 30 years of anxiety, depression, denial. <snip> i’ve already been defeated, just holding on is taking all my energy. maybe i’d be motivated if i enjoyed anything? it’s all incredibly boring. i ain’t got no fight in me. my back hurts, my shoulders hurt, and i’m always tired. i can’t do another 45 years of this poo poo. especially if it has to get much harder before it gets any better. mod edit: removed some personal information Somebody has issued a correction as of 16:50 on Jun 5, 2022 |
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Jun 5, 2022 08:11
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Goobish posted:I don't know if this is an option for you but I have two suggestions. (I'm a trans dude who transitioned later in life btw so my heart goes out to you.) First, there are things you can do that don't "out" you to anyone yet. If possible, I'd suggest finding a gender therapist. This is a very specific type of therapist. They specialize in not just transition stuff, but the very stuff you're going through right now. You aren't like, required to be transitioning when you see them. In fact, it's more beneficial to have gender therapy at the kinda "stuck stage" you're in. And then second, have you tried doing gender affirming type stuff when you're alone? Just whatever things you can do while alone that helps you feel even a little bit like the gender you're targeting. If it makes you feel better even a bit, that's the goal. Does not have to be one grand public coming out party any time soon. Obviously this is harder if you live with others you don't trust with this information. But it can still be possible. Thank you. I’m currently seeing a therapist who has gender stuff as one of her specialties. It’s pretty hard to talk about for me so we’ve been focusing on anxiety for now. It’s helping, and I’m getting more comfortable, I’m hoping to start talking about the heavier things soon. As for the second thing, yes I have, but I still live with my parents so it’s very infrequent and never for very long. Feels fantastic. I don’t get much privacy, there’s a lot I’d like to do but can’t for now. I’m planning on moving out in december. I’m both really excited and really scared. Never been on my own for more than a week or two. I hope I can manage without having to change jobs. I really like the people I work with and I’m decently confident that they would treat me well if I transitioned. Huh, I feel weird about saying “if”. I’m actually certain that I’m going to do it. When I think about the possible future where I don’t, I get really loving depressed. I don’t have a choice. I’ve seen and felt how happy it makes me. I’ve been in denial for like 16 years. Scary times ahead. But not as scary as where my mind goes when I do nothing about it.
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Jul 7, 2022 12:22
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I’ve lived in the same tiny rural town my entire life. Whenever I visit the Real City it blows my little mind. So many people, so many stores, a freakin’ bus that runs ALL day?? A subway?? Holy poo poo! I’ve been curious about moving there for a long time but literally everyone I know irl is like “living in the city loving sucks and is hell, you’d have to be insane to like it”. Anyway I don’t think I could find non public facing work. It would certainly be very cool to be around people who aren’t 80 years old and who don’t know me or my family , tho. I can count the number of people my age on one hand
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Jul 10, 2022 15:39
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I’m mostly talking about Montréal as that’s what’s closest to me. I don’t have poo poo for qualifications, so outside of manual labour idk what I could even do. I didn’t stick with college or the technical school I went to. I’m sure I’d get used to the noise, but I dunno about the crowds. It can get pretty noisy on my street (loving motorcycles, trucks, cars with loudness mods) but it never gets crowded. I’m staying in the country for at least another year anyway, I just signed a lease for a place I can afford. It’s going to be hard to find anything cheaper or comparable, especially considering that this town counts as a reservation for tax purposes. I’m really excited to be on my own. Some stuff is gonna suck cus I never learned but I’ll pull through. Really looking forward to completely loving up some recipes. Living in NYC would also be cool, but if I ever left canada it would be for an area without any snow. I don’t hate the cold but gently caress snow!! Shovelling is bullshit!!!
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Jul 10, 2022 17:41
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Going for a walk in the woods is great, except maybe half the time it’s filled with assholes on motorbikes/quads/stupid little cars that just completely destroy the trails, scare all the birds away, make a shitload of noise, try to run you over the other half is so nice though! look @ this cutie I saw 
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Jul 11, 2022 14:10
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Maed posted:I was wondering if anyone here has gotten an adhd diagnosis in their 30s I was “diagnosed” (just a short quiz by my psychiatrist) last year at 30 years old. I’m a huge mess in a bunch of different ways but I really related to stories about living with ADHD. I’ve tried a few different meds, no stimulants yet, and they’ve had some effect. Nothing mind blowing, unlike what I’ve heard about stims. Have you checked out the ADHD thread in e/n? It’s a good resource. https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3885798 —————— I spent some time with friends last night. Had alcohol for the first time in months, which was a mistake. I had a great time, but I really dislike needing booze to relax socially. Stupid crutch. I’m so nervous around people, even when I know them well and trust them. Naturally, I had too much to drink and spent today hungover. Just a constant reminder that I have no self control, that I need that crap to act normal around people. Bleh. At least their cat went fuckin’ nuts for the catnip toy I brought, very cute
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Aug 1, 2022 04:58
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Tulip posted:Is this a 'drink too much in general' or a 'get anxious and overmedicate' thing. Both are bad - at the very least you don't like it - but how you treat those is different. Would you feel comfortable saying to some friends as part of setting up a hangout "no booze please"? I don't drink (anymore) outside of 'social occasions', and even then I try to say no. I've told people No Booze Tonight! and they're just fine with it. But, it's usually still offered. I can keep off most times, but when I'm feeling anxious... It's hard. It instantly makes me feel better, and then my brain gets stupid and I overindulge. Overmedicating is exactly it. Funny juice made the bad feeling go away, so more funny juice means more good feeling! It's just poor self control. I don't want to drink anymore. I've gone years without drinking, but also without being offered while in an anxiety inducing situation. I will simply not put myself in new social situations. that'll work
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Aug 4, 2022 02:43
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I’ve made a huge mistake and I can’t fix it. It just keeps getting worse and harder to fix. I keep digging and making it a bigger and bigger problem. I feel awful but in some hosed up way, I’m enjoying seeing how bad it can get. If I ever got caught I would be completely hosed. I should be getting out but the consequences scare me Oh well!
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Aug 12, 2022 01:59
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can’t get the bad thoughts out of my head. can’t focus for poo poo. don’t want to bother with anything, just want to lie down and sleep. I’m a bad person, I constantly hurt the people around me. everything is so difficult for me and i’m not interested in challenges i don’t have the strength and willpower that is needed. i will end up homeless and starving, it’s only a matter of time. might as well give up before the pain gets any worse
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Nov 1, 2022 11:56
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Uganda Loves Me posted:I know these are just shitposts from strangers, but from what I've seen, you don't seem like a bad person. when someone tells me I have given them permanent trauma, I tend to believe them
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Nov 4, 2022 05:56
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Prole posted:Hey people. I've suffered with depression and anxiety since I was 15 (I'm now 36) and it got ten times worse over Covid lockdown and has left me with a weird kind of intermittent agoraphobia. I also have insomnia like never before. I like awake all night, sometimes fighting off debilitating panic attacks, and spend the rest of the day like a zombie. I'm unable to work for the last two years because of it all and have tried everything from medications to counselling to weird fad diets... I've stopped drinking alcohol almost entirely (though never had a problem with it) and drink my 2l of water a day. But I'm having constant headaches and just want to sleep. My social anxiety has shot up with covid. It's gotten so bad that I have trouble going to the store on my own. I've been getting better though. Exposure works... but it's still unpleasant. I've had issues with sleep too. Physical exercise has helped a lot, even just a 20 minute walk after supper. I don't like recommending it but weed has helped me sleep too. Sleep problems are hell, I'm sorry you have to deal with them.
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Nov 27, 2022 19:00
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veepfake posted:it feels like these things are all for someone else. they "can't" be for me. even though i have been told i am charming, nice, talented etc, i could never get another person to like me unless i pretended i were someone else. I have also felt that way for as long as I can remember. i’ve had so many opportunities given to me, so many advantages. everything loving handed to me. but i have never made use of any of it. i didn’t deserve it. i’m lazy and i do not work hard. i give up on everything i’m not thankful for the opportunities i’ve gotten. i resent them, really. they were wasted on me. anyone else would’ve been more deserving, more appreciative. they would’ve done more. i don’t truly enjoy anything. i’m never satisfied with anything. i don’t really care about anything or anyone. i’m always bored. i’d like to start painting again, or learn to make music. but it’s all difficult and I don’t have the energy for it. it’s not depression, it’s just how my brain is. i’ve tried all the antidepressants. i’ve done and still do therapy. it’s just wasted on me. i’m always going to feel dissatisfied and bored. just gotta distract myself as best as possible for another 40ish years.
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Dec 19, 2022 16:31
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StashAugustine posted:Chronic depression is still depression! yeah... I just gotta accept that no matter what, it always comes back, and it always will. Sometimes I feel better for a day or a week, but it's never held. Sometimes it gets really fuckin' bad! My psychiatrist doesn't care to try any other treatments, it's antidepressants or nothing. After ten years of antidepressants and still feeling like poo poo I don't care to try the weird rare ones I haven't tried yet. I could try to get a different psychiatrist but that's a huge pain in the rear end to do, I don't wanna deal with more bureaucracy and paperwork than I have to. It's very cool that my brain wants to kill me, and the rest of my body is trash that is falling apart that I can't stand the sight of. wonderful existence
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Dec 22, 2022 01:35
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I am. I’ve seen a few different ones over the years. My current therapist has been great at helping me with anxiety, but I struggle to bring up the depression. I’m not confident that anything could help, so why waste precious session time on it when I could be getting more help with anxiety, which feels more curable?
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Dec 22, 2022 14:27
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I guess I haven’t posted here in a while. My life’s changed a lot. I left my hometown for the city, live with a loving & supportive partner. Transitioned. Made new friends, saw lots of shows. Fixed a lot that I thought was wrong But my brain is still bad & filled with self loathing and SI. I probably need to be on an antidepressant but finding the right one is such a pain. I did that lottery ten years ago and it was miserable. love to be sick for months, put on 50 lbs, etc. only to feel 2-3% better and i don’t have access to a psychiatrist, so it’s not like i could easily get on that treadmill anyway i’ll just keep getting extremely stoned when it gets too hard to handle, surely that is sustainable or maybe i just need to get off my rear end and get a job / education , but i’m an idiot w/ untreated adhd so 
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Sep 25, 2023 12:09
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Tulip posted:Congrats on the partner/gender. It can be tough to think of it this way but that's honestly a lot of progress and I'm proud of you. I'd been quietly worried about how things had gone for you and even though a stranger's approval isn't worth much in the face of bad brains, I can at least say that I'm impressed with what you've gotten done and against what you're facing. Thank you, that means a lot. I’m realizing I seem to go through seasons. Some weeks I’m ok, some I’m great, some I’m really fuckin bad. I just gotta tough it out. Luckily I now have someone I can really count on.
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Sep 28, 2023 21:52
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do any of y’all ever get nightmares so bad and consistent that it keeps you up? it fuckin sucks . don’t like it one bit
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Feb 5, 2024 10:01
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| # ¿ May 11, 2024 23:40 |
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My first thought is that they didn’t read any of it. I’ve been doing alright. Actually applying to jobs. I’m going to be just fine. It’s been a difficult road but I have had some great help along the way. It’s not entirely over yet, I am sure, but I’m through the worst of it.
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Mar 25, 2024 02:40
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