awkward career changes

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > awkward career changes

google THIS

Former magician: Look, it disappeared! Where could it have gone? Wait a minute, what's that behind your ear?

*reaches behind the dad's ear, comes back holding the baby's foreskin*

# ? Feb 20, 2019 03:14

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 29, 2024 12:02

mags: I am a congenital optimist.

an ex-pro wrestler completing the suplex after a successful heimlich maneuver

paul_soccer12 posted:

everyone in the idf must die

(USER WAS PERMABANNED FOR THIS POST)

# ? Feb 20, 2019 03:24

Manifisto

warden: so at midnight, when I give you the signal, what you're gonna do is--

[the orderly grins and holds up a finger. he lifts both hands to an empty space on the wall and grabs hold of something invisible. he's trying to pull it down, but it won't come! he tugs more and more frantically, jumping up in the air to dangle momentarily from the unseen object, then all at once it comes unstuck and he tumbles to the ground with a look of comic surprise. then the orderly jumps to what looks like a seated position except he's sitting on thin air. suddenly he leaps up in apparent agony, opens his mouth as if to yell, then fans underneath his buttocks ruefully]

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Feb 20, 2019 03:40

FutonForensic

Az a fermer member of de Kay-Jee-Bee, I vas rezbonzible for zilencing many povstantsy, how you say, troublemaykerz, so vyes, I vink I am more than qualified to flip your, how you say, pannycakes on ze griddle

# ? Feb 20, 2019 04:05

alnilam

Manifisto posted:

warden: so at midnight, when I give you the signal, what you're gonna do is--

[the orderly grins and holds up a finger. he lifts both hands to an empty space on the wall and grabs hold of something invisible. he's trying to pull it down, but it won't come! he tugs more and more frantically, jumping up in the air to dangle momentarily from the unseen object, then all at once it comes unstuck and he tumbles to the ground with a look of comic surprise. then the orderly jumps to what looks like a seated position except he's sitting on thin air. suddenly he leaps up in apparent agony, opens his mouth as if to yell, then fans underneath his buttocks ruefully]

# ? Feb 20, 2019 04:44

google THIS

Manifisto posted:

warden: so at midnight, when I give you the signal, what you're gonna do is--

[the orderly grins and holds up a finger. he lifts both hands to an empty space on the wall and grabs hold of something invisible. he's trying to pull it down, but it won't come! he tugs more and more frantically, jumping up in the air to dangle momentarily from the unseen object, then all at once it comes unstuck and he tumbles to the ground with a look of comic surprise. then the orderly jumps to what looks like a seated position except he's sitting on thin air. suddenly he leaps up in apparent agony, opens his mouth as if to yell, then fans underneath his buttocks ruefully]

# ? Feb 20, 2019 20:34

pixaal: All ice cream is now for all beings, no matter how many legs.

you make me sick maggot you call that homework?! you are in 3rd grade now buddy, this isn't kindergarten! Now drop and give me 50, don't give me that look you know what I mean. Don't laugh you can all join him now! All of you 50 pushups or no snacktime!

Ideas I couldn't come up with dialog for
Sports announcer that is now involved in making a porn (camera guy, director, or actor)
Interior decorator that is now a bathroom attendant
Firefighter that is now a cook (open flame cooking?)

sig by owlhawk911

# ? Feb 20, 2019 21:17

Queen-Of-Hearts: "I want to break your heart💔 and give you mine🫀"

pixaal posted:

Sports announcer that is now involved in making a porn (camera guy, director, or actor)

*in a hushed voice*
Welcome back everyone, we're here on the "back nine" for Max Throb's stunning debut on the pro tour. He had an absolutely stunning first round that left everyone reeling, but now it's time to see what he's really made of in sudden death.

He's lining up his shot carefully, really getting down in there to get the lie of this thick grass he's found himself in. And here it comes, folks. He's lining up his wood.... careful... careful now.... OH NO! The stroke was too hard! He's miffed it and "blown his lead!" Not a good look, Max! His partner is not happy about this! Surely he'll learn from this and use a softer stroke next time, or it's back to the amateurs.

# ? Feb 21, 2019 15:14

google THIS

Six-Of-Hearts posted:

*in a hushed voice*
Welcome back everyone, we're here on the "back nine" for Max Throb's stunning debut on the pro tour. He had an absolutely stunning first round that left everyone reeling, but now it's time to see what he's really made of in sudden death.

He's lining up his shot carefully, really getting down in there to get the lie of this thick grass he's found himself in. And here it comes, folks. He's lining up his wood.... careful... careful now.... OH NO! The stroke was too hard! He's miffed it and "blown his lead!" Not a good look, Max! His partner is not happy about this! Surely he'll learn from this and use a softer stroke next time, or it's back to the amateurs.

# ? Feb 21, 2019 16:20

alnilam

Six-Of-Hearts posted:

*in a hushed voice*
Welcome back everyone, we're here on the "back nine" for Max Throb's stunning debut on the pro tour. He had an absolutely stunning first round that left everyone reeling, but now it's time to see what he's really made of in sudden death.

He's lining up his shot carefully, really getting down in there to get the lie of this thick grass he's found himself in. And here it comes, folks. He's lining up his wood.... careful... careful now.... OH NO! The stroke was too hard! He's miffed it and "blown his lead!" Not a good look, Max! His partner is not happy about this! Surely he'll learn from this and use a softer stroke next time, or it's back to the amateurs.

lol

# ? Feb 21, 2019 16:21

glowing-fish: Keep grinding,
I hope you level up!

*trapeze artist flies through the air, lands in a pile of cushions in a reclining position*

*people with sketchpads immediately start drawing their model*

# ? Feb 21, 2019 16:38

google THIS

glowing-fish posted:

*trapeze artist flies through the air, lands in a pile of cushions in a reclining position*

*people with sketchpads immediately start drawing their model*

I sometimes misread awkward as awesome too

# ? Feb 21, 2019 16:54

Queen-Of-Hearts: "I want to break your heart💔 and give you mine🫀"

glowing-fish posted:

*trapeze artist flies through the air, lands in a pile of cushions in a reclining position*

*people with sketchpads immediately start drawing their model*

Good christ this is brilliant

# ? Feb 21, 2019 17:04

glowing-fish: Keep grinding,
I hope you level up!

google THIS posted:

I sometimes misread awkward as awesome too

She was wearing crocs with socks, that is what makes it awkward.

# ? Feb 21, 2019 17:56

PHIZ KALIFA: #mood

yeah sounds like you're just overreacting to sativas, they can cause anxiety. no i don't thjink killing yourself would help, can you get any CBD heavy strains? no i don't suppose they would have a dispensary on the bridge yet but lol that's a great business idea. you should kickstart that i'd definitely contrib- hello? hello???

sheesh for a suicide hotline you'd think these folks would want to chat s'more

crimes

# ? Feb 21, 2019 18:06

Manifisto

Six-Of-Hearts posted:

*in a hushed voice*
Welcome back everyone, we're here on the "back nine" for Max Throb's stunning debut on the pro tour. He had an absolutely stunning first round that left everyone reeling, but now it's time to see what he's really made of in sudden death.

He's lining up his shot carefully, really getting down in there to get the lie of this thick grass he's found himself in. And here it comes, folks. He's lining up his wood.... careful... careful now.... OH NO! The stroke was too hard! He's miffed it and "blown his lead!" Not a good look, Max! His partner is not happy about this! Surely he'll learn from this and use a softer stroke next time, or it's back to the amateurs.

lol

I also like the reverse concept, a former porn person (or maybe a writer of "romance novels") trying to make it as a sportscaster.

well folks, rodriguez has stepped up to the plate and is grasping the shaft, he's got a firm command of the wood, I mean the bat. you can tell he's used this equipment before and used it hard, uh, no innuendo intended, I mean he is literally proficient at swinging his sti-bat around. johnson casts a smoky look in his direction, you can tell he's eager to deliver the ball, but not quite yet: anticipation is the name of the game, that and a firm hard delivery. by throwing. throwing the ba- . . . sports sphere, in a totally nonsexual way.

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Feb 21, 2019 18:26

vanisher

Manifisto posted:

sports sphere

# ? Feb 21, 2019 18:33

PHIZ KALIFA: #mood

a sports sphere is a sports ball u need directx to render

crimes

# ? Feb 21, 2019 19:21

HappyKitty

My fellow Americans, I'm glad to see y'all here tonight. I can see, a lot of you decided that tonight, of all nights, was the perfect time to visit Applebee's, which is great. And I gotta say, even after all this time, there's nothing I like better, than seeing an entire room full of families, workers, small business owners, mothers, fathers, children - all gathered together, in the pursuit of America's most genial pastime, which is the sharing of food and fellowship. [Hold for applause, looking left and right with a contented hint of a proud smirk.]

But your visit tonight, to this Applebee's, has not come without challenges of its own. Even now, empty seats are scarce, and tables, scarcer. I look out at the Americans before me, and I see your hunger, for change. For discount appys; for one dollar Long Island Iced Teas. I wouldn't mind one myself right now.[Hold for chuckles, grin broadly with teeth, point at one very animated guy, then give a thumbs up.] Nevertheless, [seriously] we people, here tonight, the proud people of Applebees, we know that there is a way forward. We know that however this feels like a period of waiting, that there is a destiny, a destiny that awaits all of us. Because seats vacate; tables empty, are bussed, and are wiped down. We know this, because we have faith in the American people, our brothers and sisters employed by this Applebees, be they Christians, Jews, Muslims, indeed all the world's faiths, or those who have not chosen a system of faith; be they black or white, asian, indigenous, latino, all are dedicated, to the singular duty, of ensuring that no American, indeed, no citizen of the world, here tonight, at the Applebees on Grand Avenue, in Chicago, in the great state of Illinois [hold for applause; give a quiet "I hear you brother" and a non-threatening black power fist to an elderly gentleman wearing a white suit and panama hat sitting on a padded bench in the back shouting "PREACH IT!"]... In the great state of Illinois [getting back on track], no one shall go hungry. No group shall remain unseated. No family, shall go home tonight, without sharing in the food and fellowship, Applebees has to offer. [Hold for applause; give look of stern resolve.]

However long this time of waiting may be, we know that it is only for a time. For some, it has been a time of waiting, longer than is has been for others. I look into the faces, of my fellow Americans, and I see some of the same faces I saw walking through those doors, twenty minutes ago. I see the pain, the anguish, in your eyes and faces. And I am humbled, that I have been chosen, to see you through this time of waiting. And whatever shall happen, on this night, know that - what? Oh, thanks, Carol. Uh, Johanssen? Johnanssen, group of four[waits for a hand to go up] Yeah, we have a table for you now.

# ? Feb 21, 2019 19:28

glowing-fish: Keep grinding,
I hope you level up!

HappyKitty posted:

My fellow Americans, I'm glad to see y'all here tonight. I can see, a lot of you decided that tonight, of all nights, was the perfect time to visit Applebee's, which is great. And I gotta say, even after all this time, there's nothing I like better, than seeing an entire room full of families, workers, small business owners, mothers, fathers, children - all gathered together, in the pursuit of America's most genial pastime, which is the sharing of food and fellowship. [Hold for applause, looking left and right with a contented hint of a proud smirk.]

But your visit tonight, to this Applebee's, has not come without challenges of its own. Even now, empty seats are scarce, and tables, scarcer. I look out at the Americans before me, and I see your hunger, for change. For discount appys; for one dollar Long Island Iced Teas. I wouldn't mind one myself right now.[Hold for chuckles, grin broadly with teeth, point at one very animated guy, then give a thumbs up.] Nevertheless, [seriously] we people, here tonight, the proud people of Applebees, we know that there is a way forward. We know that however this feels like a period of waiting, that there is a destiny, a destiny that awaits all of us. Because seats vacate; tables empty, are bussed, and are wiped down. We know this, because we have faith in the American people, our brothers and sisters employed by this Applebees, be they Christians, Jews, Muslims, indeed all the world's faiths, or those who have not chosen a system of faith; be they black or white, asian, indigenous, latino, all are dedicated, to the singular duty, of ensuring that no American, indeed, no citizen of the world, here tonight, at the Applebees on Grand Avenue, in Chicago, in the great state of Illinois [hold for applause; give a quiet "I hear you brother" and a non-threatening black power fist to an elderly gentleman wearing a white suit and panama hat sitting on a padded bench in the back shouting "PREACH IT!"]... In the great state of Illinois [getting back on track], no one shall go hungry. No group shall remain unseated. No family, shall go home tonight, without sharing in the food and fellowship, Applebees has to offer. [Hold for applause; give look of stern resolve.]

However long this time of waiting may be, we know that it is only for a time. For some, it has been a time of waiting, longer than is has been for others. I look into the faces, of my fellow Americans, and I see some of the same faces I saw walking through those doors, twenty minutes ago. I see the pain, the anguish, in your eyes and faces. And I am humbled, that I have been chosen, to see you through this time of waiting. And whatever shall happen, on this night, know that - what? Oh, thanks, Carol. Uh, Johanssen? Johnanssen, group of four[waits for a hand to go up] Yeah, we have a table for you now.

:applause:

# ? Feb 21, 2019 20:14

Queen-Of-Hearts: "I want to break your heart💔 and give you mine🫀"

A group of haughty art critics mill about a gallery, offering condescending smirks and acidic "oh how quaint"s from behind their armor of black turtlenecks and cigarette holders. But whats this? One has stepped just a bit too close to a bronze bust of Scott Stapp and tripped an invisible alarm. The doors seal shut! The lights dim! "Ya'll Ready For This?" bursts forth in its rhythmic pulsing from speakers unseen!

A single Sports Sphere drops to the floor.

Panic ensues.

:h: sig by Prof. Crocodile :h:
:byodame: BYOB spells: Mutually Assured Kindness

# ? Feb 21, 2019 23:30

PHIZ KALIFA: #mood

scott stapp infection

crimes

# ? Feb 22, 2019 22:13

glowing-fish: Keep grinding,
I hope you level up!

"Hello, welcome to Architecture 101: Fundamentals of Home Architecture. I am your professor, Doctor Kinkade. As you can see from your syllabus, we are going to cover the basics of home construction, which consists of the basic architectural feature, which is chimneys, and the basic architectural building material, thatch."

# ? Feb 22, 2019 22:26

glowing-fish: Keep grinding,
I hope you level up!

(no wait, I like this version better)

"Hello, I am the fire inspector, Thomas Kinkade, and after examining your house, I am going to have to cite a couple of violations. You only have three chimneys, and one of them is barely smoking at all. Also, you have a nice roof of thatch on that house, but over there, your barn has a wooden roof, and that could be a problem."

# ? Feb 22, 2019 22:32

google THIS

Former Buzzfeed writer: (descending from Mount Sinai) 10 Commandments You'll Definitely Want to Follow!

(earlier)

Stop the Angel of Death using this one weird trick!

(later)

How long will it take to reach the Promised Land? The answer will surprise you!

# ? Feb 23, 2019 02:41

Sing Along: by Athanatos

police sketch artist: "please describe the suspect"
interviewee: "well, he was Caucasian, had a pronounced nose, a well built jaw, and thick brown hair"
police sketch artist: *with heavy brush and oil palette creates a large pink crescent, with a smaller pink rectangle protruding and a brown dome atop*
interviewee: "that looks nothing like him!"
Picasso: "eh, I'm no Picasso"

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Feb 24, 2019 05:06

super sweet best pal

This is your captain speaking. First day on the job but don't let that or the fact I'm a crash test dummy bother you.

# ? Feb 24, 2019 10:46

Manifisto

google THIS posted:

Former Buzzfeed writer: (descending from Mount Sinai) 10 Commandments You'll Definitely Want to Follow!

(earlier)

Stop the Angel of Death using this one weird trick!

(later)

How long will it take to reach the Promised Land? The answer will surprise you!

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Feb 24, 2019 14:53

HappyKitty

Socks4Hands posted:

police sketch artist: "please describe the suspect"
interviewee: "well, he was Caucasian, had a pronounced nose, a well built jaw, and thick brown hair"
police sketch artist: *with heavy brush and oil palette creates a large pink crescent, with a smaller pink rectangle protruding and a brown dome atop*
interviewee: "that looks nothing like him!"
Picasso: "eh, I'm no Picasso"

Police Sketch Artist: Why don't you just go ahead and... describe that nasty fella that stole your wallet.
Interviewee: Uh... Caucasian... maybe latino, I dunno... black hair, kinda stocky build. He had a bit of stubble.
Police Sketch Artist: Wonderful. So what I've done here is I've prepared my canvas with... just some clear jesso... and I'm gonna start by mixing a little bit of our Cerulean blue - just a thin, thin line of it, no need to overdo it - with our Titanium hwhite.
Interviewee: Uh... okay?
Police Sketch Artist: ...and that's going to give us these nice... fluffy clouds. See how the little hint of Cerulean blue... it just brings those clouds alive. Beautiful.
Interviewee: Yeah, that's... that's real nice, but like... all my credit cards and my license and like a hundred and twenty bucks-
Police Sketch Artist: ...and if too much of the Cerulean blue peeks out from your nice fluffy clouds, remember this is wet on wet, you can just take... your number two fan brush, just a dry one... and just... give a little blend with some horizontal strokes. Isn't that nice.
Interviewee: I literally don't care about the clouds man, I just want my wallet-
Police Sketch Artist: So now, we're gonna clean off our fan brush, and to do that, we're just gonna dip it into our paint thinner... and this is my favourite part... we're just gonna... hm hm! [Chuckling] Beat the devil out of it. [Whacks brush rapidly against easel frame]
Interviewee: Okay, I'm just gonna go fill out the rest of the report, I'll swing by later, good luck with whatever the gently caress you're doing
Police Sketch Artist: No worries. God bless, my friend.

# ? Feb 25, 2019 01:26

Diqnol

Former Weatherman: Today, expect a healthy child with some uncomfortable kicks and a 60% chance of girl. Tonight, a low of crying when you realize how much my boss is going to charge you. In *pulls up gown to get a good look down there* three weeks expect a high pressure front with 100% chance of rain. Bring those umbrellas, folks!

# ? Feb 25, 2019 06:24

super sweet best pal

First week as the new coroner is pretty awkward when you just quit being a hitman.

# ? Feb 25, 2019 08:02

Finger Prince

super sweet best pal posted:

First week as the new coroner is pretty awkward when you just quit being a hitman.

Hmm, no signs of forced entry, no signs of a struggle, the assassin was obviously very good. Like probably top 10 of assassins in the world. Maybe even top 5. Clearly a top tier professional, not the kind of guy you hire of craigslist. Hmm, yes. One of the best.

But sir, this looks like a pretty cut and dry suicide, the deceased even left a note, in his own handwriting, and phone records show he called the suicide hotline three times and hung up just before the time of death. What makes you think this was a hit?

Ha! Just testing you Lou! HA! Assassin! Ridiculous, right? What kind of perfectionist would go to these kind of lengths to stage a suicide in this manner! I guess I just watch too many movies, heh, Hollywood always gets it wrong anyways. Haha! Assassins. Good one Lou, really had me going there...

# ? Feb 25, 2019 23:21

google THIS

Angel: ...And, that's pretty much it. The final trumpet will sound, the battle will be won, Armageddon will be over, and we'll all head back to heaven. Any questions?

Stan Lee: Yeah. When do I make a cameo?

# ? Feb 28, 2019 23:14

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 29, 2024 12:02

Abugadu: 1st Sgt. Matthews and the men have Procured for me a cummerbund from a traveling gypsy, who screeched Victory shall come at a Terrible price. i am Honored.

Former lifeguard, now a track coach.

*blows whistle*

"Hey you kids, no ru-- ah dammit."

# ? Mar 1, 2019 01:02

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > awkward career changes