The definitive list of rules for dating my teenage daughter.

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > The definitive list of rules for dating my teenage daughter.

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Escape From Noise

-You have to date me first! (How else will I know what she's in for?)

-Gotta get with my friends.

-Must be at least mostly humanoid in appearance, so not several squirrels in an overcoat (been burned before).

-Combat sports experience preferred but not required.

-Must have most Saturdays open.

-You need to teach me how to fish.

# ? Feb 13, 2020 12:34

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# ? Apr 29, 2024 14:23

Peg Sliderskew

If you're going to spike her drinks, you'd better bring enough vodka for both of us.

Courtesy of Manifisto

# ? Feb 13, 2020 14:29

Escape From Noise

-Bring the moves

# ? Feb 13, 2020 15:41

DOPE FIEND KILLA G

no wickid sex magicks to beckon forth the prophesied harbingers of our ultimate doom�until after marriage

# ? Feb 13, 2020 17:27

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN: I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.

Shouldn't ask too many questions regarding her handsome dowry

# ? Feb 13, 2020 20:46

Escape From Noise

-Must at least have a 3.5 rating on Yelp

# ? Feb 14, 2020 04:55

PHIZ KALIFA: #mood

- can only make more than one attack of opportunity with the Combat Reflexes feat

crimes

# ? Feb 14, 2020 05:15

Yinlock

must be aspiring to a respectable career, like Gamer

# ? Feb 14, 2020 05:59

Macnult

You need to help me figure out what the hell a �sksksk� is.

# ? Feb 14, 2020 09:23

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN: I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.

must have impossibly bad credit

# ? Feb 14, 2020 09:30

Escape From Noise

Must have at least a passing knowledge of the 80's metal band Dokken.

# ? Feb 14, 2020 09:47

biosterous

gotta be able to play wonderwall on any instrument except guitar. i'm playing it on guitar and you have to accompany me

^{^{thank you saoshyant for this sig!!!}}
^{^{gallery of sigs}}

he/him

# ? Feb 14, 2020 14:20

Escape From Noise

biosterous posted:

gotta be able to play wonderwall on any instrument except guitar. i'm playing it on guitar and you have to accompany me

Lol

# ? Feb 14, 2020 14:57

Pastry of the Year

The exhaust from my daughter contains the carbon monoxide, a poisonous, tasteless, and odorless gas that may be lethal. Never date my daughter indoor.

# ? Feb 14, 2020 15:09

Peg Sliderskew

biosterous posted:

gotta be able to play wonderwall on any instrument except guitar. i'm playing it on guitar and you have to accompany me

Don't sing along.

Courtesy of Manifisto

# ? Feb 14, 2020 15:12

PHIZ KALIFA: #mood

my daughter must be boiled for one minute prior to being firmly pressed against the upper teeth, in order to mold the ComfortShield(tm).

crimes

# ? Feb 14, 2020 15:32

Macnult

biosterous posted:

gotta be able to play wonderwall on any instrument except guitar. i'm playing it on guitar and you have to accompany me

# ? Feb 14, 2020 16:21

biosterous

let me in on any heists you've got going on. i can be the getaway driver, or maybe the bagman?

^{^{thank you saoshyant for this sig!!!}}
^{^{gallery of sigs}}

he/him

# ? Feb 14, 2020 18:19

Yinlock

must listen to my extensive review of every mix tape you sent her

# ? Feb 14, 2020 19:31

Escape From Noise

Must not be a member of a secret society. Unless you let me join at a really high rank.

# ? Feb 14, 2020 19:32

Yinlock

*waves* hi jen, *monotone* dave, you might be wondering why i recorded this over your wedding footage in secret, well i've reviewed dave's conduct during the nuptials and trust me you're not missing much. *pulls out huge stack of paper* let's go over the offenses one by one

# ? Feb 14, 2020 19:36

DeathCrabForCutie: oh fuc-

Never point my daughter at something you aren't willing to kill or destroy.

Always treat my daughter as though she's loaded.

sig by Pot Smoke Phoenix!

# ? Feb 14, 2020 20:54

google THIS

Whoria Discordia posted:

Always treat my daughter as though she's loaded.

Because she is :haw:

# ? Feb 14, 2020 21:06

Pastry of the Year

You must have my daughter home before ButtTheShitmanFart posts in BYOB.

# ? Feb 14, 2020 21:12

Pot Smoke Phoenix: Smoke 'em if you gottem!

1) No sex until after you've had your first child. This is to ensure my grandson is the Son of God, because immaculate conception is the only way that could happen. You score me one of those, and you're in like a cash machine PIN

2) lend me 20 bucks.

3) I don't have any kids, that's not my daughter; get the gently caress out of my kitchen!

4) I'm keeping your 20 bucks!

# ? Feb 14, 2020 22:43

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN: I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.

Pot Smoke Phoenix posted:

1) No sex until after you've had your first child. This is to ensure my grandson is the Son of God, because immaculate conception is the only way that could happen. You score me one of those, and you're in like a cash machine PIN

2) lend me 20 bucks.

3) I don't have any kids, that's not my daughter; get the gently caress out of my kitchen!

4) I'm keeping your 20 bucks!

# ? Feb 14, 2020 23:47

Fredrik1: Gopherslayer

Must not be the owner of one (or more) dick sucking trolley robots (either version)

# ? Feb 15, 2020 10:11

Escape From Noise

Fredrik1 posted:

Must not be the owner of one (or more) dick sucking trolley robots (either version)

... unless you are willing to have shared custody.

# ? Feb 15, 2020 10:36

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN: I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.

Must have a Charisma of 4 or higher.
Character class: Boyfriend(new)
Boyfriend(new) lvl. 1 will roll 1d6 to determine the amount of moves taken per turn. At level 5 character class will automatically level up to Boyfriend(basic) and can now roll 2 x 1d6 and use the highest number to determine available moves. At lvl 15 character will become Boyfriend(advanced) and now has the option of taking the Smooth Operator perk which allows the character to add the result of both dice rolls.

# ? Feb 15, 2020 12:14

Heather Papps: hello friend

please don't you are a vampire

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Feb 15, 2020 16:00

Heather Papps: hello friend

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

Must have a Charisma of 4 or higher.
Character class: Boyfriend(new)
Boyfriend(new) lvl. 1 will roll 1d6 to determine the amount of moves taken per turn. At level 5 character class will automatically level up to Boyfriend(basic) and can now roll 2 x 1d6 and use the highest number to determine available moves. At lvl 15 character will become Boyfriend(advanced) and now has the option of taking the Smooth Operator perk which allows the character to add the result of both dice rolls.

depending on circumstance, (birth control failure, true love, etc), boyfriend may respec into husband.
stats and abilities are retained, but there is now a -5 to initiative unless wife is within 50 ft

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Feb 15, 2020 16:02

google THIS

Heather Papps posted:

depending on circumstance, (birth control failure, true love, etc), boyfriend may respec into husband.
stats and abilities are retained, but there is now a -5 to initiative unless wife is within 50 ft

"Abs" provide only a fraction of their original bonus and can be safely dropped. "Hair" no longer need to have the majority of its points invested in the top of his head and can be slowly re-distributed to other areas.

# ? Feb 15, 2020 17:11

biosterous

you have to beat me in a tech deck competition

^{^{thank you saoshyant for this sig!!!}}
^{^{gallery of sigs}}

he/him

# ? Feb 15, 2020 17:43

weed cat: weed cat is back, and he loves to suck dick

i can challenge you to a round of pogs (for keeps) at any time

# ? Feb 16, 2020 06:35

oliwan: by Nyc_Tattoo

must understand that ska sucks

# ? Feb 16, 2020 11:23

oliwan: by Nyc_Tattoo

the bands are only in it for the bucks

# ? Feb 16, 2020 12:48

Uxzuigal: Chill Berserker Dude

You must score 21 or higher on this list to date my daughter:

<3 <3 Vanisher

# ? Feb 16, 2020 12:51

idiotsavant

WARNING: my daughter contains chemicals known to the State of California to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm ADVERTENCIA: mi hija contiene productos quimicos reconocidos por el estado de California que provocan cancer, defectos de nacimiento u otros danos reproductivos

# ? Feb 16, 2020 16:23

The Klowner: by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

listen to her and respect her feelings. acknowledge her independence. be honest, but courteous. make it known that she is loved. and when you get the chance, burn all her minion paraphernalia. that poo poo has to go

# ? Feb 16, 2020 17:15

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# ? Apr 29, 2024 14:23

Heather Papps: hello friend

do NOT buy her a horse

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Feb 16, 2020 17:15

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > The definitive list of rules for dating my teenage daughter.

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