Who Threadglightninged 2023: The Delay of Destiny

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Cinema Discusso > Who Threadglightninged 2023: The Delay of Destiny

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

FlamingLiberal posted:

Third time�s the charm!

Not super enthused about the attached director, but The Crooked Man is one of my favorite story arcs ever. It can�t be worse than the 2019 movie, right?

*somewhere in the distance God cackles, then barfs *

# ¿ Feb 17, 2023 18:30

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# ¿ May 12, 2024 17:18

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

secretly best girl posted:

I have terrible news if you're worried about Smash Mouth breaking quarantine.

Pun intended.

This is like the 2020s answer to Chickenfoot

# ¿ Mar 23, 2023 00:26

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Inspector Gesicht posted:

Myers was forced to do the Cat in the Hat because he didn't want to do a Sprockets movie, which would have been another SNL sketch stretched to b̶r̶e̶a̶k̶i̶n̶g̶-̶p̶o̶i̶n̶t̶ feature length.

Disclaimer: post made before coffee

Another fun fact is that Goldmember from the third Austin Powers movie is making morbid fun of Ron Howard, who he�d been working with on the Sprockets movie, because Myers is a petty little poo poo. The Cat in the Hat emerged as a de facto settlement from Howard threatening legal action for failing to make Sprockets happen, but from everything I�ve heard, and amiable and agreeable as he generally is, you really DON�T want to piss off Ron Howard. The Love Guru was the fiasco that buried Myers, but he�s been awful since the beginning.

# ¿ Apr 2, 2023 15:35

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Cacator posted:

Finally, the Dracula 2000 remake we all deserve.

Wake me when it�s Dracula 3000.

# ¿ Apr 24, 2023 23:57

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Alan Smithee posted:

Erika Eleniak and Tiny Lister survived by loving in a deep sleep chamber

For those who are not lucky enough to behold this for themselves, this is one of the least ridiculous parts of the film.

# ¿ Apr 25, 2023 00:56

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Alan Smithee posted:

https://twitter.com/UltimaShadowX/status/1650666019520643075

It could do good things for storyboarding, but whole movies? gently caress off back to the focus groups, Russo.

# ¿ Apr 26, 2023 02:43

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Maxwell Lord posted:

Oh did they screw that up, I hadn't heard.

Like I'd heard the movie in general was not very good but nothing about the main character in specific.

Harbour did a fine job with the script he was given. He's got a good sense of humor and comic timing, his physical presence was great, and he brings a certain filthy grit to his take on the character that was distinct from Perlman in a good way. But he can't save it, because it's awful.

It's one of those movies where there's a desperate post-production effort to punch up scenes deemed unexciting or dull by throwing in ADR to liven things up. The jokes don't land, and the script was dire to begin with. It was also a really weird choice to begin a reboot with a story in roughly the middle of the comic chronology, but I digress... There's a germ of a good idea buried somewhere in it about Hellboy being out of place everywhere and nursing a grudge at the facts of his life, but it's undeveloped and buried in a slurry of terrible writing and flop sweat. And I'm the kind of person who roots for a critical underdog.

That's not even going into the fact it was edited with a boxcutter, or the lungbutter corpse worm ghosts.

Hasturtium fucked around with this message at 06:29 on May 20, 2023

# ¿ May 20, 2023 01:35

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Alan Smithee posted:

do i even wanna know

I can�t even find video of it on YouTube, but basically whenever a ghost is called on in a seance they sort of extrude out of the mouth of the person summoning them. It is almost a neat idea, but the CGI isn�t great and it feels undercooked if you think about it at ALL.

Hasturtium fucked around with this message at 06:00 on May 20, 2023

# ¿ May 20, 2023 03:39

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

CelticPredator posted:

Actually they just did a little witchin and then mean ol buster bluthe banished them from salem and then they were real mad about that but they have each other so that�s good

So when winne ends up using a magical power that kills her sisters she�s mega sad about it and realizes she just would rather be dead with them.

🤮

There was also a super-heinous corporate tie-in with a Walgreens that looked better than everything else in the movie put together. Making a sequel to it is like making a sequel to a commercial, what would it even mean?

# ¿ Jun 7, 2023 23:15

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Neo Rasa posted:

Sorry I wasn't on my game at the time here's the actual response to this, probably the best executed commercial storyline of all time:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjlkBkfLzC8

This remains the most beautifully executed narrative-driven ad campaign ever, and I�ll never hold that against it. God drat it, I WISH Hocus Pocus 2 had been remotely this good.

# ¿ Jun 8, 2023 01:37

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

I can�t believe we�re talking about 90s schlock and not mentioning Night Man.

https://youtu.be/i5LhB2X0cuA

Not an It�s Always Sunny joke, I promise.

# ¿ Jul 10, 2023 01:39

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Tars Tarkas posted:

Also Godzilla Minus One and Blue Beetle trailers:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlceGpbGgvE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aoi8-EGn9U

I didn�t know what to expect from Blue Beetle, but �Latino teenaged Iron Man, but blue� wasn�t on my bingo card. These movies make me feel tired.

I�m pretty wet for Godzilla Minus One, though.

# ¿ Jul 12, 2023 18:10

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Neo Rasa posted:

I remember seeing ads on TV for them, they'd be sold in cheapo general kind of stores that also had a VHS bin. But you'd see ads on TV like order "POCAHANTAS" at this toll free number today kids!!! and it was a similar level of like Disney musical but not quite.

And yeah this stuff was so small (and not online the way it would be today so it's not like any of those were going to go viral or whatever) that I doubt Disney cared.

Way back in the early 2000s a friend of mine rushed home and told her boyfriend that she managed to get Aladdin on DVD, for cheap! And her then-fella, being a Disney aficionado, said, �But sweetheart, Aladdin isn�t out on DVD.� �Then what did I order�?�

Friends, this was it. They sat through half of it in baffled silence, then turned it off, and later gave it to me :q:

# ¿ Jul 17, 2023 17:13

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Failed Imagineer posted:

What's Family Man

Guessing he meant Family Guy, but you never know. He could be carrying a torch.

# ¿ Jul 19, 2023 12:28

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Halloween Jack posted:

Blood Diner is both a sequel and a send-up of Blood Feast. At least I think it's a sequel. I assume Uncle Anwar is a disembodied brain thanks to that garbage truck.

Oh, and so is A Return to Salem's Lot, at least in my opinion. At what point does the Howling series become self-parody?

I dunno, but Howling VII: New Moon Rising is accidentally hilarious bullshit

# ¿ Jul 27, 2023 23:02

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Alan Smithee posted:

it will appeal to the kind of crowd that grew up on dog movies and now want hard dog movies

Quote for truth.

Tangentially, is the dog movie BINGO as weird as I vaguely remember?

# ¿ Aug 13, 2023 15:21

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Pope Corky the IX posted:

Is that the one where the dog follows a trail of the kid�s piss across the country after the family abandons it?

Yes. The dog is later a witness in a criminal case, testifies, and the stenographer later repeats his testimony.

# ¿ Aug 13, 2023 16:12

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

How the gently caress did Red Notice happen for 200 million dollars? I�ve never seen a bigger nothing of a movie in my whole-rear end life, they could have given that money to David Lynch and humanity would never recover, or to the surviving Polonia Brother, who would make the craziest poo poo you could imagine for the rest of his life. Where did that money go?

# ¿ Aug 24, 2023 19:35

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Pope Corky the IX posted:

I thought it was Gingerdead Man.

It was, before Gingerdead Man vs. Evil Bong started the cross-pollination. I can�t say I�m keen to dive into the current Full Moon Cinematic Universe, but I�m glad it�s there.

# ¿ Sep 5, 2023 21:35

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Young Freud posted:

Jesus Christ, that's relatively young.

I'm seeing he drowned in a hot tub. Is this right?

Word is it�s likely he had a heart attack, then drowned in the hot tub, which� is awful. I wouldn�t be surprised if the drugs messed with his cardiovascular health but to date no drugs were reported at the scene. Awful, regardless.

# ¿ Oct 29, 2023 04:28

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Zero_Grade posted:

This is long-ish but does a great job at narrating what a disaster is going on over there. There's a lot of great bits to quote, but I think this is my favorite ("tsunami of spandex" is a close second):

how do you gently caress up a Blade movie this badly

I started to make a post about shitloads of money and complacency, but fundamentally? I don�t think they give a poo poo about Blade as a property. This screams corporate synergy run metastatic - Disney no longer seems capable of making something that doesn�t hook into every other piece of the Marvel machinery, and as tedious as those things have gotten to watch, I can�t imagine what�s involved in making quilted, braided exposition tapestries out of their comic book IPs. Plus the Blade movies were an R-rated gore fest; something about their approach suggests they weren�t comfortable dealing with that fundamental aspect of the franchise, so they were literally working to minimize him in his own movie.

Hasturtium fucked around with this message at 16:21 on Nov 2, 2023

# ¿ Nov 2, 2023 16:19

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

CelticPredator posted:

I liked sniping and then reloading

Was it Gears 2 that had the laser scope that visibly went from flaccid to erect? That was classy.

# ¿ Nov 3, 2023 15:28

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Grendels Dad posted:

Sounds like Traviss is the person everyone is thinking of when they complain about Zack Snyder.

Kind of makes me want to see Snyder adapting one of her books, god help me.

No, no, I get it. Whatever poured out of the mixer of those two would absolutely succeed at� something.

# ¿ Nov 5, 2023 01:25

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

FlamingLiberal posted:

I find that extremely hard to believe.

It did happen. I don�t remember when, but that was seen as a Big Deal. Why the gently caress did Nixon make legislating morality part of the FCC�s purview?

# ¿ Nov 11, 2023 18:18

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

galagazombie posted:

America will only become a great nation when it releases the version of Event Horizon with the full uncensored mutilation orgy as originally conceived that has all the violence and all the sex, on prime time network tv.

Didn�t that orgy scene only survive as some godforsaken VHS copy with the original print lost? That poo poo would be like the dream sequences in Lair of the White Worm, plus plus.

# ¿ Nov 12, 2023 04:15

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

muscles like this! posted:

It's now being reported that WB has given up on shitcanning Coyote vs Acme and are shopping it around to other distributors for release.

I assume this is not due to shame, but because the volume of backlash finally got through to them�

# ¿ Nov 13, 2023 14:49

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

I watched the second Hobbit movie and felt like I was being punched in the face, and I own two Polonia Bros movies on Blu-ray

# ¿ Nov 17, 2023 06:56

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Neo Rasa posted:

I saw all three Hobbit movies. What in the gently caress. Battle of the Five Armies more like Batle of Five Hours for how blah and long that flick felt. WTF I just remembered the bear guy like drops out of the sky at one point and is never seen or mentioned again. Also some big worms appear and are never mentioned where the gently caress even were they, why was that filmed

I know Billy Connolly wasn't available to reshoot his entire role but how in the gently caress did they think dropping a 2010 WoW trailer level CG version of him in there was the way to go? Like was that really better than just putting a double in a wig like they clearly did for Christopher Lee any time we weren't seeing an extreme closeup?

What did they originally film with him that was so bad that what we got was meant to be better lmao

The worst thing about those three movies though is that each one has a minute or two or a couple of quick shots here or there that clearly did have some love put into them. Like they probably could have done three solid flicks if there wasn't such a concerted effort to just churn poo poo out. What an absolute waste of a lot of talented people's time.

The melting gold, I seriously could not believe what I was watching for that entire part where they're assembling it and the ensuing melting effects. And then because the dwarves never saw Alien 3 they're surprised when he just shakes it off instead if splashing cold water on him to make him explode.

I�m glad somebody else mentioned Alien3, because for just a moment my interest was piqued and I wondered if they were going to maim or kill Smaug with that trick� and then he shakes it off like Singin� in the fuckin� Rain, and decides he�s gonna rageboner all over Lake-town. La dee dah. Never saw the third, apparently missed the apotheosis of desperate filler on film for that year.

# ¿ Nov 17, 2023 15:44

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

The MSJ posted:

My preference for latinas vindicated again.

# ¿ Nov 23, 2023 04:32

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Trejo loves to work - I knew he was the type eager to stay busy when he was a brief bright spot in the terrible Crow: Wicked Prayer. Warburton may be a real deal rightie but he�s also a professional voice actor who�s generally a credit to whatever he shows up in, so I�m not really offended he�s doing this thing either. The rest are all has-beens or conservative never-weres outside the audience for this dismal thing, and the summary would have been sad conservative soup a decade ago. Now it�s like a ghost ship full of willfully stupid people.

In conclusion: ugh.

# ¿ Dec 1, 2023 15:03

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

I remember being really taken by some musical and visual moments in Pirates 2 - which may have been me having flashbacks to Verbinski and Zimmer�s work on The Ring - but I haven�t felt a strong desire to revisit it. But the third� The vision of Jack Sparrow�s afterlife in purgatory was also really inspired; I was sad to see it devolve into so much convoluted faff, a bunch of are-they-invincible-or-not fight scenes strung together while Stuff Expensively Happens. I bailed on the fourth after the opening because the energy felt all wrong and I was well and truly sick of Depp, and I�d rather be freezing wet watching No Country for Old Men than watch Javier Bardem try to redeem the sludge at the bottom of the franchise barrel.

Hasturtium fucked around with this message at 00:20 on Jan 9, 2024

# ¿ Jan 9, 2024 00:13

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Baron von Eevl posted:

Sony you cowards give us Turn Out The Dark: The Movie with buttholes everywhere! Songs by Bono and The Edge! A new villain named Swiss Miss! A Kraven that's implied to gently caress animals! Greek mythology! A shockingly high body count!

Whoa, now. CATS already threatened me with a good time, what's this about more buttholes?

And yes, I'd be there opening weekend. God drat, Madame Web, what a trailer to threaten me with.

# ¿ Jan 9, 2024 07:23

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Gatts posted:

All three Pirates are great and excellent adventure movies. It�s a good trilogy.

I am glad you�re happy with it, and that isn�t goon snark leading to a FOR MY BUTTHOLE punchline, I just don�t agree with you. And that�s cool.

# ¿ Jan 9, 2024 16:31

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

muscles like this! posted:

Something weird I just found out about is in 2020 Charles Band crapped out a cash in Covid horror movie which was just like 5 minutes of new footage combined with redubbed footage of Hell of the Living Dead and Zombies vs Strippers. Also he apparently did this multiple times?

I know how hard the indie horror business can be, and Band has survived in it for essentially his whole adult life. But that�s even worse than Jim Wynorski making Raptor, where he shot about 25% new footage and frankensteined the rest out of bits and pieces of the Carnosaur movies. It�s his studio, he can do what he wants, but good lord, what a thing to do to your reputation for a few bucks. Then again, it�s Charlie Band� anyone who isn�t defending him probably acknowledges that he makes stuff for cheap down to a target audience. And I write that from a position of affection, I root for indie horror� but that�s just sad.

Hasturtium fucked around with this message at 18:23 on Jan 20, 2024

# ¿ Jan 20, 2024 18:16

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

joylessdivision posted:

Are you suggesting the man who managed to crank out at least two or three Puppet Master sequels out of footage from previous Puppet Master movies, made a cash in Covid horror movie out of footage from unrelated films?

Because that's the least shocking thing I've heard about Richard Band since I noticed his ripping off of the Psycho score for the Re-Animator theme.

Richard Band owns and the cinematic world is going to be a worse place when he and Corman finally kick the bucket.

To be fair Re-Animator and its score comprehensively slap, I don�t mind Band assembling a new score with its own clear identity from the bones of the old. Feels thematically relevant, even.

God, don�t remind me Corman is mortal.

# ¿ Jan 20, 2024 18:42

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Big Fish, for sure. I know people who defend Sweeney Todd even though it�s him throwing a bone to Carter and Depp, but I think they made it work. Dumbo�s a resentful curiosity, that Alice in Wonderland live action fiasco was like watching a diorama that loved to inflict violence against eyes, and� I didn�t hear awful things about Big Eyes? Someone I used to talk to indicated a lot of his past success was built on the foundation of collaborators he�s steadily alienated, but that sounds catty as hell. Here�s hoping Beetlejuice Beetlejuice will be more than I expect.

# ¿ Feb 2, 2024 01:36

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Macdeo Lurjtux posted:

I had heard some people talking about it so I watched the first episode. Seemed like it's trying to be Harley Quinn for the theater kid/hot topic demo. Too many stilted musical numbers with obvious punchlines and like an occasionally hurried 30 second plot set up scene.

I haven�t seen it in a while but I was a bigger fan of Helluva Boss - no musical numbers, less hemmed in by that pandering or expectation, just the story of a bunch of hitmen in hell who use a magic book to visit the mortal world to murder lovely people for money. Plus Richard Horvitz playing a weird, complicated little character who screams a lot.

# ¿ Feb 12, 2024 14:29

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

cake bunny posted:

Uh, maybe you should revisit Helluva Boss? Seems like you memoryholed some bits.

I wandered into Hazbin because it was on Prime, knowing nothing about it previously. Watched the first few eps that were out because I was bored & sick, thought it was neat enough to bother a cursory googling, and found Helluva Boss that way. HB definitely has a ton of musical numbers; maybe as much as Hazbin? Either way, close enough that I didn't notice an appreciable difference watching pretty much the entire show the day after I watched the first eps of Hazbin. Tonally, they're pretty close as well, but with HB having possibly a bit more cussing, and absolutely more room to breathe with its pacing, the latter not being a shock since it's an independent production released on whatever the gently caress schedule they feel like across as many episodes as they want/are able to make via YouTube versus a studio-backed streaming platform product. They're both broadly about messed up people/demons/whatever working through generational trauma.

Hazbin definitely feels weaker between the two to me after having finished the first season, but more because of pacing and episode count than anything else.

Doesn�t surprise me I forgot them - that�ll teach me to post before coffee and a full year out from seeing the show. Looks like I need to plunge back into it. Genuinely, thank you for telling me.

# ¿ Feb 12, 2024 15:22

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

whydirt posted:

If I were in charge the Predator sequel would be called Postdator

I want a lovely action-comedy called Shmedator where a squad of soldiers has to deal with an army of lovely Predator knockoffs.

# ¿ Feb 12, 2024 17:24

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# ¿ May 12, 2024 17:18

Hasturtium: May 19, 2020; And that year, for his birthday, he got six pink ping pong balls in a little pink backpack.

Baron von Eevl posted:

�There�s so many of them! Where the gently caress are they coming from?! OH poo poo, INCOMING!� *a huge upvote arrow hurtles through the sky and smashes into a nearby building, a horde of incels crying about their millimeter-scale deficiency of jaw thickness pouring out*

# ¿ Feb 12, 2024 17:32

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