M_Gargantua posted:

Churches try to sell people on this Easter thing in a lot of ways. I think they’re missing a key piece of media in their zeitgeist, Steamed Hams.

It’s obvious:

Skinner (a stand-in for the many blessed, but mostly Saint Peter) is helping prepare the way for world peace through the salvation promised by the son of god. Chalmers (The People) arrive for their long awaited next lesson on the meaning of life and eternal happiness. They even bring wine/blood. But when Seymour finds the roast he says “Oh-ie God, my roast is ruined!” Because, obviously, the pièce de résistance of this whole shebang- our man Jesus, aka The Roast, as it were (but also God) - is dead and bled. And everyone who stopped and thought about it would clearly see the state of this poor abused roast.

But so what if jesus has ceased living? What could it matter that the roast is toast? Our mans has a plan.

What if they swap out salvation for some patronizing flattery? Just some feel good sugar rush garbage? Cheap meat for the masses? They’re almost even caught stretching the truth. But they won’t let reality stand in their way, they push through and get their teachings in front of people hungry for the body of Christ. The blood wine is right there, in plain view.

The people are initially skeptical, but with some fast talking things are smoothed over. Just one more hiccup:

The resurrection (fire) is happening in the Kitchen. The People (still Chalmers) outburst of “good lord, what is happening in there?!” Is quite specific and not open to reinterpretation.
Now we know that Aurora Borealis is just code for the Resurrection.
A simple substitution of the divine mysteries yields:
The People: “[Resurrection]?! At this time of year, at this [sabbath], in this part of [Judea], localized entirely within your [Cave]?!”
Peter: “No”

No, they can’t see, and the people, being idiots as people are, and sated by Crusty Burger (placations at best) just accept this new narrative and roll with it.

Agnes yelling out of the window is obviously the “be not afraid” angel here from Mathew 28:6

The people call the apostles odd but they’ve got a good pitch and they leave to bring Catholicism to Rome and our cursed future.

Of course, the roast was toast, and while things may have been ruined the people still ate it up and were satisfied. Seymour (as the Apostles) had to run back and clean up the body. Any potential questions needed to stay equally as raised as Jesus was.

Seven Force posted:

I made it to your thread, despite your directions

You Are A Werewolf posted:

Christy Burger

Livo posted:

TITTIEKISSER69 posted:

Minotaurus Rex posted:

Who all seen this one

https://youtu.be/a6HCu9edk54

Mumpy Puffinz posted:

I did

Minotaurus Rex posted:

Noice

Serak posted:

Mumpy Puffinz posted:

new testimate Skinner. Just like Judas

sure okay posted:

Can I see it?

Serak posted:

You Are A Werewolf posted:

Well I’m from Judea and I’ve never heard anyone use the phrase “steamed lambs.”

Grey Cat posted:

Oh no it's a Nazareth expression.

MrQwerty posted:

what is the tall guy humiliating nelson in his volkswagen a bible allegory for

Panic! At The Tesco posted:

the simpsons is poo poo