- Sithsaber
- Apr 8, 2014
-
by Ion Helmet
|
This my friends is a dumb idea. I set out to follow through on one of my joke what ifs, and the rambling wtf I have laid before you is the result. From the get go I couldn't decide if this idea was best served in the literally or visual medium, which is why I couldn't decide whether I should write setting things with camera angles or if I should turn everything into prose. The concept was to utilize various Harmontown tidbits and gags like hate for voiceover, Jeff being psychic and Levi to tell a story that always ended as anticlimacticly as possible. I also wanted to use the podcast audience surrogate as a means of making fun of Dan's liberal 70s antiracism but calling the protagonist "Blackman" was too on the nose. I settled for Czarney which, according to Google, is Polish for black. Edit: You know what? No. In a way this satire is supposed to be bad gently caress it, Blackman's his last name. I'll send you my minority ID if they're complaints. I honestly got bored of this, but I needed to finish something I started for once. I hope Goldberg doesn't find this creepy; my plan for the aborted sequel was for him to get ditched as soon as he outlived his usefulness. Now I'm off to read a book to learn how not to suck.
quote:A solitary astronaut in a streamlined space suit floats out of his chrome silver space probe and descends down towards the lunar surface. A geodesic dome comes into view; its lights are mostly out and the astronaut is unable to see inside. The viewer gets one last look at the probe (which is nondescript save for a small bytes® logo off to its side) before the orientation shifts to Czarney’s (the astronauts name is printed right under the bytes logo on the astrosuit’s chest plate) perception of up and down. The focus narrows as Czarney grabs onto a protruding panel marked with brightly flashing neon stripes and reports “Mission Control, this is Czarney. The distortion is still blocking comms. Ughh…the hanger doors seem jammed. I’ll get in through the tertiary access shoot. Expect Radio Silence: Czarny out.”
Czarney goes inside the shoot, which grows pitch black after he drifts a few feet inside. The POV moves inside Czarney’s helmet, and we see his Heads up Display fire off sonar like pings which set a twisting waypoint towards what a side screen designates as the GOMARTS (Gyroscopic Omni-directional Maglev Assisted Rapid Transit System) Orb. The images on the hud sporadically glitch because of the unseen disturbance, but it is able to generate a accurate depiction of everything hidden in the darkness. Following the guiding arrow, Czarny makes a few winding turns and bends himself to land feet first inside the GOMARTS orb, which is suspended in the center of a large dimly lit chamber.
Now inside, Czerny looks around the 12x12 sphere and hesitantly syncs his HUD to the machine’s wireless operating system (op). It bursts to life, as does a massive view screen sprayed out on the chamber’s front wall. GOMARTS inflates, secreting a bubbling outer layer that becomes the rotating outer ball which determines the Orb’s direction and protectively encases its circular cockpit.
Dan Harmon is on screen and begins to talk.
“I’m Dan Harmon, and here’s something to ask yourself: Should you stop trying? Should you buy into labels aaaand race and politics and ALL THE OTHER BULLSHIT the people in government use to keep you fighting the rest of humanity? Should you accept things as they are, and think the way your parents and schools and churches taught you too? Should you be so afraid of pissing people off –so afraid- that you’d just sit and loving wait for stupid assholes to decide what is and isn’t a tolerable way to think instead of figuring it out for yourself?” (As he’s been saying this, the individual LED plates that make up the wall screen start to slide into each other, rapidly parting the center of the screen (and dan’s face) so the ship can pass through)
Dan’s head segments and becomes two faces to the left and right of the hole that is pouring light into the chamber. The heads move to the edges of the room and out of Czerny’s gaze as blinding light temporarily overwhelms him. A crudely mixed version of a Enigma song booms in the background.
“No, gently caress that. I believe that we should try. I believe that we can live without hierarchies and walls, doing what we want because we want it, without anything to hold us back. I believe that anything’s possible if we put away the horseshit and give each other a chance. I believe in choice. I believe we can do better. I believe in Harmontown!”
Czerny’s eyes adjust to the light and he sees that the GOMARTS is flying over a sprawling indoor plaza/art exhibit. It’s obvious that the place is supposed to be crowded. Homages to Dan Harmon litter the place: in one corner a gazebo is built around a depiction of children playing with HeatVision (Dan Harmon’s talking bike), in another original pieces of art stand beside Rick and Morty’s balls monster/microbial form of Hepatitis C. A mock stage and mock judges depict a energetic performer gesturing out to the nonexistent crowd, and jovially smiling judges giving a thumbs up or down to whether they think the performer should continue(the vote is 5 to 2, but no one looks insulted or upset). This should be a place of congregation and honor for Harmenians, but aside from a few hooded figures who run off towards a unpainted stone imitation of Monster House when they notice the Orb’s approach(which in and of itself is disturbing) the plaza is utterly abandoned.
The little screens floating around the peripheries of Czerny’s helmet start to take over the GOMARTS view screen. Sensors pick up and magnify smoke in the distance. The heat signatures inside elevate buildings almost out of site begin to be matched to population figures on file but is discontinued as the glitches return and abort the process. There’s a downwards curve after the outer layer of the GOMARTS begins to slip off its connection to the magnetostream.
A few scripts appear on the monitor, warning that the magnetostream is in a state of flux before the system takes over and shifts onto another current. The GOMARTS descend into yet another dark chasm, which this time seems to be a mundane elevator shaft. Soon this undercurrent also sizzles out, leaving the ship stalled.
Czarney gets out (the inner platform the rider stands on orients itself to any hard surface it lands on without causing discomfort to its occupants) after the rest of the ship opens up like a lotus petal and then uses his magnet boots to vertically descend down the shaft. “Czarney to mission control, the measurements I’m getting indicate that the distortion originated inside the station.” He can barely make out that people are alive down in the lower level, but his helmet garbles all outside sound. HUD sensors indicated (with 3d xyz graphs, color coded mumbo jumbo and virtual layouts) that the moon colony doesn’t have uniform artificial gravity, and that sector’s gravity is intentionally reversed. “The magnetocurrents go in and out, but I won’t need them to make it to where I can hopefully get a clearer signal.”
He finds and climbs through an elevator door left ajar. Now in a medium sized corridor, Czarney notices that there are 4 people crowded around someone 15 feet away. Their backs are turned to Czarney and the ongoing magnetic disruption isn’t letting him see or hear much in the shadowy room. He takes off the helmet, revealing African American features and a look of disturbed confusion. There is a violent and apparently petty argument going on near some glow sticks and dumpster fires. Czarney hears snippets of what sounds like story analysis, expletives and the name Adam Goldberg before two of the men begin to shove someone on the floor.
Not thinking of the ramifications of what he is about to do, Czarney clears his throat and says “Cmon, stop that” and starts to ask what is going on when the figures turn in surprise. The ringleader is wearing written on parchment that look like scales on his moldy shirt, and there is some prose tattooed across his face. The slightly bruised stooping man on the other side of the argument takes advantage of the distraction by throwing a punch at a man to his right before running away “What the gently caress?!” Czarney blurts out in shock as the Crazies react violently to his interference. His attempts to reason having failed, Czarney defends himself long enough to break out and run in the same direction, but stops in disbelief at seeing Adam running back towards him with twelve ragged madmen on his tail. They nearly collide and Czerny yells for him to go for the elevator. They weave and dodge, and Adam screams gently caress when he realizes he is about to freefall. Czerny grabs onto him and just sprints right down the wall as a few crazies without Czerny’s magnet boots plummet to their deaths.
They head back to the GOMARTS in a hurry. Straining to keep Goldberg from falling from his grasp, Czerny rasps out “what the hell was all over his face?” It takes awhile for Goldberg to fight back his exhaustion and reply “screenplays man... terrible screenplays”. The ship activates once the two are inside, but before anyone can catch their breath, it begins to head back towards the floor they just escaped without generating the outer bubble or relinquishing control to the driver.
Muttering “Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck” Adam frantically hits the “close door” button as fast as he can while Czarney looks away and gestures at things on his unseen hud. Both flinch when GOMARTS get to the door and a stringy man covered in paragraphs slams into the orb; the man’s eyes are insane, but fortunately his physique isn’t extraordinary enough to pry open the ship. While the ship goes up we get a passing glimpse at the mostly obscured sitcom carved into his chest, which starts with something like “That’s my mom. She may not seem like much, but”)
The quiet whir of the slowly moving ship can be heard inside the obsidian interior of the orb. “Mission Control, This is Maintenance Engineer Czarny, copy; Mission Control, this is VIP Moon Chief Maintenance Engineer Czarny Blackman, do you copy?” Czarney is on one knee adjusting his communicator watch. Yeah we read you Czarney, this is Davis.” From inside of VIP Moon mission control Jeff scoffs and turns towards a technician holding a clipboard. "Wait, he's actually named Blackman?" Czarney isn't in the mood for that poo poo; he looks away from the smartwatch now displaying a holographic image of Jeff’s face and pauses before saying “Something messed up. I’ve got a survivor with me.” Jeff grimaces, “A survivor? I knew things were bad, but I didn’t think it had already gone to that level of poo poo. What’s his name?”
"What’s your name?” Czerney drones. “Adam Goldberg” Not interested in a game of telephone, Jeff cuts to the chase “God drat it, its Adam. Just put him on.” Jeff repeats “What happened?”
“Things were going fine. Nobody could have expected that (He doesn’t need to explain that he's talking about his near death)But we could tell something was going to go wrong. We were growing too fast; we hadn’t planned on so many settlers after VIP moon proved that people could use the moon colony to kick start their own plans.
"Dan wasn’t interested in running a bureaucracy; when he got that offer to pen the sequel to loving Monsterhouse he dropped off the map. Without Harmon to unite us, people got abrasive. That doesn’t explain how quickly the storm turned us on each other.
“When the storm hit we lost it. Everybody took what they could and hunkered down when they realized we were stuck. I went for the escape pods but they had flown off without anyone on. After the panic, I had to hook up with those guys and wait for my chance at a Orb.”
Jeff’s tone softens “Do you know what happened to Dan?”
“Oh he’s fine. Dan’s just waiting things out somewhere while he finishes his screenplay.”
“Wait WHAT?!” Both Jeff and Czarny are furious at the thought of HarmonTown’s namesake hanging out while his world burns outside. “Dan can calm things down. We have to find him.” Jeff continues, “How long do you think it’ll take to trace-” cutting Jeff off, Adam doesn’t realize how ridiculous what he is about to say is going to sound “Oh, everyone knows how to find him.” Jeff uses the awkward pause to catch his breath before he repeats through gritted teeth “WHAT”.
Disregarding Jeffs annoyance, Adam continues on “Dan still needs food. He sends an orb to bring him take out twice a day. All you have to do is track the delivery and make sure something gets on the man's plate”. Now it’s Czerny’s turn to be confused, “And why didn’t you g-” “I can’t fly man, the hall is a 100 feet up!”Czerny cocks his head before he interjects “The hall?”
__________________________________________________________________________________
Part 2:
Hall of Normalcy/ Feral Audio affiliates: Building Façade: A neoclassical greek pantheon with a marble colossus carved out of the front. The colossus is unpainted and depicts a giant laughing beef fungus bill, who is wearing rustic garb and reclining on twin pillars of Reciprocation (left) and Empathy (right). You can barely see it, but the left hand has some fungus on it (failing at a act of kindness) and right is kind of flakey as if a bit necrocious or suffering from excema. (A symbol of how a lack of proper outlets leads to withering away or straight up mental/physical masturbation) Two symmetrical depictions of Rick (from Rick and Morty) recline on opposite sides of the pillars and are in the process of getting piss drunk. On the opposite side of the entrance/exit to the Hall is Kumail Nanjiani, who is also leaning forward but has a facial expression of amused disgust. His pillars are slightly smaller, but in his gripping hands are a bunch of Olympic metals (recognition of talent and approval) and a wad of cash (the product of worth and approval that he can invest in further endeavors) He is wearing a casual suit and on his pillars recline contemplative Ricks who are smoking electric cigarettes. Czarny and Goldberg walk in under its/their legs. Jeff snorts “Jesus Christ” at the uberly pretentious symbolism.
The two men walk betwixt what is basically a forest of pillars and make remarks about how empty the place seems to be. Jeff tells them to be on their toes, but Adam doubts there’s a threat. Apparently most of the affiliates were offbase when everything went to poo poo, and the few other people who worked there probably went for the escape pods first chance they got. Czerny doesn’t notice any signs of struggle or inhabitation so he says nothing when Adam goes to get a bite to eat. The engraved entrance to the commissary isn’t far away and Adam raises his voice to ask the currently sitting Czarny if he wants anything to eat. Czarny asks for lo mein and hears from Adam that the daily special is Burritos or Curry. Czarzy asks “can’t you get something different?” Adam retorts in annoyance “I can’t: everything’s automated”. Czarny and Goldberg hear Jeff mutter “That’s what you get when you ban restaurants”.
Adam starts an ironic laugh from out of view but it’s cut off with a sudden clatter and oomph. Czarny runs towards the noise but is too late; all he sees is the soles of a shoeless figure that drags Adam over his shoulder and into a different room. Czarny is about to follow but has to hide when he hears the clatter of an approaching horde. Jeff reacts by demanding “Tell me what’s going on!” Czarny looks down and whispers “somebody took Goldberg”. Jeff mutters “Damnit Goldberg,” he continues “Did you get a good look at the guy?”
“Just his dirty feet”
“Dirty Feet?...Levi”. For whatever reason, Jeff’s voice grows urgent. He screams “Get out there! GET OUT OF THERE NOW!” Czarny jumps to muffle his watch but shields his face instead as Levi drops down from a pillar and crushes him. A quick punch and Czarney is barely conscious. Levi leers over him and bemusedly sighs “calm down; I just need people to watch the show.” Levi raises has hand to land the finishing blow but is spooked off by the approaching clamor of footsteps. Still in first person point of view, Czarny tries to shake off the shock. His ears are ringing so he can’t yet hear Jeff, but he can make out quite a few shadows moving closer.
To his relief they seem like slightly overweight fantasy nerds. He’s about to thank them right as one of their number kicks him in the temple, knocking him unconscious.
As Czerny starts to come to, he realizes that he is being dragged through a courtyard. Rustic designs and patterns have recently been etched onto many of the walls and stones of the place, but it’s obvious by looking at the amateur craftsmanship that the area has been co-opted for something in no way sanctioned by the general populace/workforce. Two men dressed for high fantasy warfare drag Czerny’s limp body towards a tall bearded guy in shorts who looks bored. Czerny looks to his watch and sees that it’s on default (as its kind has done for centuries, the clock tells time); obviously Jeff turned off his end so as to avoid the communicator being confiscated. Czerny also notices that one of his chauffeurs has a bloody nose and that there 7 or 8 aching prisoners (including Goldberg) being allowed to lounge about away from each other.
The two LARPers plop Czerny down and walk away as a bearded giant takes notice of his newest plaything. He is about to launch into a choreographed introduction but is cut off by Czerny’s watch returning to life. A flat but fully scaled rendition of Jeff appears besides Czarney, who slowly steadies himself before standing up. Jeff squints, “Spencer?” Spencer is only slightly taken aback. “Yeah…hey; You kinda caught me in the middle of something.” Jeff is shocked, “In the middle of going insane?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” “Isn’t it obvious?” Spencer retorts with a deranged sly smile. His head still swimming after receiving what has probably become a mild concussion, Czarney butts in “It’s obvious you’ve gone up your own rear end.” Insulted by this, Spencer takes a step back “Have I?” His face darkens as a small crowd starts to form. Going to his elevated place of honor, Spencer slips into his other persona.
The monologue has begun.
“A stranger dressed in the garb of our departed brethren stands before the keeper of the proving circle. Having insulted the keeper, the stranger brings the challenge upon himself.” Jeff and Czarney are as baffled as the spectators are engrossed. Not wanting to make things worse, Czarney mutes Jeff’s screaming protests. Apparently unmoved by the insanity, Spencer goes on with his narration. “The seventh champion is summoned. A fit goblin in his early 30s, the 7th champion is clad in the rags of those he’s vanquished”. True to form, Spencer says this just as a 5 foot 8 Korean man walks into frame. As clichéd as it sounds, Czarney is pretty sure he is about to get his rear end beat. Spencer continues to build suspense “ the 7th champion looks at his victim with disdain” The ‘seventh champion’ frowns but whispers “sorry about this, these sessions are great way for my method acting.” Even more confused, Czarney looks up to see that Spencer has arraigned himself like a Caesar awaiting the start of a gladiator match. “…Unfocused and unprepared, the stranger doesn’t attempt to guard against punched in the gut” Realizing what is about to happen, Czarney lets out the first syllable of “wait” before going down in a heap. The Seventh Champion (or “James” as he is called by a stray voice in the crowd) begins to gloat while Spencer makes good on his dungeon master responsibilities and repeats what has occurred.
What goes around comes around. While the 7th Champion/ James continues to showboat, Czarney plays possum and bides his time. Right when James gets in range, Czarney unleashes a merciless punch to the 7th champion’s crotch. He goes down and Czarney ends him with a boot to the dick. Unlike the spectators, who have recoiled in pained empathy for their now to be forever childless compatriot, Spencer is unamused -bored even. Recognizing his opportunity, Czarney verbally rushes to get his point across. “What the hell is the point of this? People will be hurt because of something that isn’t even fun!” All 7 feet of Spencer stand up at this remark. For a second Czarney groans at the thought that what he said was taken as a threat. But instead of attacking, Spencer utters “Go on.” Czarney does “You can’t enjoy this. How much work do you have to put into organizing these fights? I fought one time and even I could see that this poo poo is stale.”
“You’re right.” Spencer is no longer speaking in monotone. “I don’t want to play anymore. Let’s release the prisoners and get out of here.” “But what about renown?” whines a voice on the other side of the room. “What?” With this dismissal the spell is broken and people go back to normal.
__________________________________________________
Part 3: The GOMARTS hovers over a landing pad down and sets down with a soft thud. Spencer, Czarney and Goldberg step out and head towards the Harmonlair. This level of the under-town is colored a monochrome grey, and its only structure is a shack connected to the landing pad by a small causeway. Meanwhile under the bridge an attractive woman mans a barricade that lines the gap between her and an irate crowd. Standing on a trash pile with a makeshift shield in hand, she shrieks at the others who have crowded around dumpster fires and are trying to jeer her down. “Let me finish!” she shouts; “No! LET IT GO, Lisette! LET IT GO!” they reply. “JUST LET ME FINISH! Forget about my beautiful skin for JUST one second and let me finish!” The crowd goes rabid at this outburst and unleashes mayhem, lobbing stones and improvised javelins at Lisette, who weathers the barrage as she continues to yell and shake her fist.
Back on the bridge, the trio has arrived at the Harmonlair. Czarney knocks on the door and is greeted by the opening slide of a speak¬-easy esque peep hole. The doorman betrays a hint of recognition at the sight of Czarney’s companions but doesn’t let them inside until Goldberg flashes Dan’s lunch. He leads the three through the shack’s red tinged foyer where Erin is briefly seen looking sullen in another room, no doubt because of another fight and/or her poorly baked sweets. The interior of the shack is more elegant than its disheveled exterior made it out to be, but poor lighting and mounting dust hint at its occupants’ despondency. The doorman (who Jeff identifies as as the former sound guy, Zach) doesn’t look unkempt but his withdrawn eyes and puffed out gut reveal mounting malaise. Zach shambles off to deliver the food, leaving the trio unattended; they hesitate a second before following him.
Dan is inside what may as well be a post office’s storage room. Creased piles of paper are strewn about the room at various heights and angles, indulging Dan’s urge to wander about and triple check the scenes he might decide to amend. Harmon himself is stooped over a desk covered in crumbs and vodka bottles. Engrossed in his work, Dan doesn’t look up when he says callously “My assistant will handle the tip”.
“Ah Dan, thank god you’re alive.” Jeff is the first to react. Dan’s back stiffens a bit but his tone doesn’t change “I’m a little busy, Jeff.”
“A little busy? Do you have any idea what’s going on?”
“If you hadn’t noticed I’m in the middle of something.” Dan’s voice trails off when he takes a quick glance at the projection and his other disheveled friends before hunching back over his notes. “Things’ll blow over soon enough” He mutters.
Adam chimes in, “Things’ll blow over? Are you serious? It’s a madhouse out there! Everything’s breaking down, people are losing their minds and for gently caress’s sake, Spencer ran a fighting ring!” (Spencer shrugs)
“And how is that my problem?”
“What?”
“How is that problem?” Now visibly annoyed, Dan looks up at Adam. “How is that my problem? I’m not in charge of every drat-“
“Of course you’re in charge! The name of this place is loving Harmontown!” Beyond flustered, Jeff is screaming through the watch. “Just forget about that lovely sequel and do something!”
“DO WHAT JEFF? DO WHAT? Can I control the space weather? Can I decide when people will calm down? I don’t run anything; People came here to get away from rules and hierarchies. You can be CEO of MY IDEA in your little clubhouse, but down here no-one’s in control!”
Before anyone else can respond to that gross act of self absorbtion, Czarney blurts out “that’s stupid.” Czarney says this like a impartial statement of fact and not like a rebuke. Still taking insult, Dan appraises the stranger before launching into another diatribe.
“And Who the gently caress are you? I’ll tell you who: another nobody. Who are you to judge me? You leeches just suck on my accomplishments and bitch when I’m not there to hand feed you. You people—“
“You People?”
“YES, YOU PEOPLE.” Dan is enraged by Czarney’s non chalance. “You People—“
“So I don’t get it ‘cause I’m black?
“WHHAT?! What are you” Harmon stops and is deflated by Czarney’s wry smile. Letting out a big sigh, Dan’s demeanor softens. The others laugh while Czarnay hands Dan a mike and remotely accesses the colony’s PA system. Dan leans into the provided microphone and sputters “alright, what the hell”.
Time Passes
Crowds of awkwardly happy people congregate in the courthouse. Familiar faces now sheepish and covered in tattoes try their best at making small talk with their erstwhile raiding targets who try their best at being forgiving. A weight has been lifted off of Dan as he stands with Erin and shakes hands with passing well-wishers. Czarney approaches him “So you’re really heading back to Earth?”
“Just for a little while” Dan is relaxed and not as covered in grunge and sweat as he was two days ago. “After all this I think it’d be good if we took some time to get away and reconnect with what’s important.” Dan moves for Erin’s hand and looks at a passerby asking if Jeff had set the shuttling schedule. “Let him rest” Dan says, “I hear this is the first time that guy has slept for days.”
VIP moon employees adorned in logos on their form fitting suits begin to appear around the entrances of the transit system. Stepping towards them with a grin, Dan asks “Hey, do you know when the shuttles will be repaired?” “Step back Sir” is their only reply and they actually shove Dan back when he moves forward to hear them over the lively din of the crowds. “Whoa! HEY!” Dan’s fans notice this and begin to move forward only to step back in shock as the employees reveal themselves to be armed guards. All the smart screens in the colony flick off before reactivating with Jeff on screen. Jeff’s suit is unironed and Jeff himself looks tired. He addresses the confused crowd.
“Settle down, settle down. I’m sorry for having to do this, but until circumstances allow I cannot allow anyone to leave.”
Dan steps forward and asks “Why the goons? Talk to us Jeff.”
“You know you can trust me” Jeff looks guilty before continuing his announcement. “As of now HarmonTown is on lockdown.Our ships are on standby, and aprepared to do whatever's necessary to ensure no one gets in and no-one gets out of this installation. This is for your own good."A line of retrofitted transport cruisers are shown to be armed and ready to fire. Drained and fervent, Jeff pleads "Trust me" one last time before the screen cuts to black.
Sithsaber fucked around with this message at 15:29 on Jul 3, 2014
|
#
?
Jun 5, 2014 22:52
