SA Quotes Thread: a rap song about Granos called "Call Tha Police"

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trapped mouse: May 25, 2008; by Azathoth

Zemyla posted:

Tell me so I can hate myself too.

# ? Jun 23, 2015 16:30

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# ? Jun 7, 2024 16:33

lollontee: Nov 4, 2014; Can't post for 10 years!

Kasan posted:

Edit: Crisis has passed, pasta was made, and a new month looms. Stick around for the hobby shaming on page 2.

So it's the end of the month, and I have one of those households where the end of the month is usually the point where it's time to tighten up the belt a notch or two. This month has probably been the worst in recent memory (due largely in part to poor budgeting from my wife and I's hobbies) and the belt has already been cinched as tight as it will go. My pantry is pretty barren right now and I have pretty much nothing.

But! I have the bare basics to make a vat of pasta to last three days til payday. Frozen ground beef (2lbs/1kg 85/15, 1lb/500g 75/25), several pounds of spaghetti/angel hair, ziti, rigatoni, penne and macaroni. The issue I am having, is I have a large can of crushed tomatoes (Hunt's Crushed Tomatoes with Basil - 1lb 12oz / 794g), and that's pretty much it. I need to turn that can of tomatoes into a pasta sauce that isn't going to taste like watered down tomato.

A non-exhaustive list of my kitchen contents:

Spices (All dried unless otherwise noted):
Salt, Seasoned Salt, Sea Salt, Pink Salt, Black Salt
Pepper, Cracked Pepper Grinder, Fresh Peppercorns, Long Pepper, Grains of Paradise, White Pepper
Crushed Red Pepper, Ground Cayenne Pepper, Chiptole (Powder and bouillon), Habanero (Fresh), Carolina Reaper (Fresh, no I'm not putting this in the sauce, my wife can't eat spicy food. I make candy out of them)
Curry Powder, Bird's Eye Curry Powder, Tumeric, Cumin, Mustard (Powder), Mustard (Prepared), Powdered Ginger, Asefoteta
Basil, Italian Seasoning Blend, Bay Leaf, Lavender (Fresh in my garden), Mint (Fresh in my garden), Marjoram, Crushed Cilantro, Crushed Thyme (I think. I didn't see it on first look but I'm pretty sure I have it.)
Dried Onion Flakes, Garlic Powder, Onion Salt, Garlic Salt
Fennel Seed, Celery Seed
Ground Nutmeg, Whole Clove, Ground Allspice, Madagascar Vanilla Beans, Alum, Pickling Spice
Old Bay, McCormick's: Rotisserie Chicken, Caribbean Jerk, Montreal Steak House Grinder
Around 100 different Teas, some instant coffee

Oils:
Canola, Coconut, Sesame, Grapeseed, Rapeseed, Peanut, Safflower, Olive (Light and Virgin and probably both not real olive oil), Lard (This poo poo is the bomb on toast)

Alcohols:
Marsala, Dry Sherry, Golden Sherry, Sherry, Dark Horse Cab, Biltmore Estate White Zin, 1 other white wine that I don't recall off the top of my head.
Sam Adams Winter Ale & Cold Snap, A about a cup of Ten Fidy Imperial Stout that I think went stale, Dragon's Milk Whiskey Stout, Wild Blue Blueberry Lager
Some Whiskey, Raspberry Vodka, Moonshine (the real stuff, somewhere around 175 proof), other various Liqours you shouldn't put in a pasta sauce.

Grains and Grain Like:
Whole wheat flour, all purpose flour, almond flour, spelt flour, rye flour, golden flaxseed meal, Buckwheat flour, oat flour, barley flour, corn meal, Corn starch

Equipment:
1.5 cup food processor, hand mixer missing half it's attachments (so only 1 blade (which works for most things)), mortar and pestle, hammer

Other:
Sugar, Simple Syrup, About a cup of heavy cream, some "flavor boost" vegetable stock packets, "better than bouillon" beef and chicken stocks (which I used once and they've been in my fridge for... longer than I remember.) I might have an egg or two depending on if they last forever in a fridge or not (They're probably at least 3-4 months old. Bought them for a bread recipe and only used 3 of the 6). An unopened jug of tomato juice that's been in my fridge for 2 months that I found hidden behind the beer.

If I didn't list it, I don't have. (No fresh veg beyond some chili peppers, no other "normal" pantry staples, no butter (used the last of it a few days ago)). Caveat: I might have a spice not listed, but I know I do not have rosemary or sage (except what's in the premixed Italian seasoning).

So GWS: Help me make a pasta sauce. You don't need to get super technical with measurements (I'm not even sure I own anything smaller than a 1 cup measure beyond a standard spoon) or cooking times. I'm actually pretty competent in the kitchen and am comfortable with culinary terms and processes like reducing; I just have very little experience with sauces from scratch that aren't a curry. Most of my attempts have ended in... not exactly a failure, but not a success; and at the time I had a much fuller larder. Looking to cook around 6 hours from this post, so if it's after 10pm EST, I've already started cooking and responses will be considered advice for next time.

Kasan posted:

SCA. Not that fru-fru hurr durr I'm an elf bullshit. (Or Vampire if MET is still a thing).

Edit: Blacksmithing is my primary hobby, SCA second. Steam games are probably a distant 6th behind some other crafting hobbies like wood working and building miniature cannons to scare the neighbors kids off my lawn.

Pasta was editable and the sauce wasn't horrible but definitely not great. Today is pay day so the week long single meal days are done and it's back to my usual fare as soon as the farmers market opens here in a minute.

Fetus Tree posted:

m'larder

# ? Jun 23, 2015 16:56

Hemingway To Go!: Nov 10, 2008; im stupider then dog shit, i dont give a shit, and i dont give a fuck, and i will never shut the fuck up, and i'll always Respect my enemys.
- ernest hemingway

quote:

Lard (This poo poo is the bomb on toast)

# ? Jun 23, 2015 17:03

A Shitty Reporter: Oct 29, 2012; Dinosaur Gum

Boxturret posted:

i'm the prepaid airtime sold at a bodega store

help me i don't know who or what i am

# ? Jun 23, 2015 17:17

Phlegmish: Jul 2, 2011

His primary hobby should be making sure he doesn't starve to death.

# ? Jun 23, 2015 17:25

SaltyJesus: Jun 2, 2011; Arf!

Except lard really is the bomb on toast, especially with a little paprika sprinkled on top.

# ? Jun 23, 2015 19:51

mind the walrus: Sep 22, 2006

Light Gun Man posted:

I work at a campground and I can confirm that every week I see adults wearing minion stuff in exactly this manner. I really don't get it at all.

Light Gun Man posted:

Actual mind control would be a less depressing explanation.

# ? Jun 23, 2015 19:52

Karate Bastard: Jul 31, 2007; Can't post for 13 hours!; Soiled Meat

Lard + Paprika = Hungarian magic. That's how goulash happens.

# ? Jun 23, 2015 20:20

GOTTA STAY FAI: Mar 24, 2005; ~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~; College Slice

quote:

I had been putting it off for hours, and later I'd be glad I had. I hoisted up heavily that bag of garbage from my Brabantia-brand Garbage Can in my kitchen and as I did it I swore, "God drat this garbage stinks like poo poo!". It smelled like fat puke! I heaved it over my shoulder and made a grossed-out face and opened my back door. Instantly I was smacked over the face like a wet sock in my face! By a bad smell, even worse than that lovely garbage! I knew that smell.

Dracula turds.

I dropped that bag of garbage and as I spin-heel-kicked the door shut, I also dove behind my Barbecue and palmed a button on my collar that caused me to turn nearly invisible! I was like a shimmering pile there behind that barbecue! Like Predator. Except there was another predator around. A Dracula. It shitted on my porch. Again.

I scanned my back-yard. Nothing. I breathed as deep a breathe as I could (Dracula poo poo smell) and tongued my back right tooth like this (but not exactly like this, as the precise code is secret): tap tap, tap, tap, tap taaaaaap. A signal went from my tooth to a satellite! Then four seconds later there was a noise like two silks touching. And then there was three other dudes in my backyard and a chick. Dakota, Harlequin Baby, Tony and Pam. They had teleported instantly when they got my distress beacon!

Pam said to me: "Hoo-ey! Smells like a Dracula shitted near here!" I said "Yeah."

Then Dakota made a shh.. noise. He was an Indian dude, very good at noticing. He pointed with his eyes to the window of my car that was nearby.

Tony said, "No. I don't belive it."

But it was true. There on that window of my car: wolfmans greasy dickprint and ballprint. We unlocked the safeties of our special weapons.

Harlequin Baby said "aaaeeeeeugh eeeugh eeeugh" because his fuckin face and mouth were all hosed up because hes Harlequin Baby. The little monitor on his chest read out like THEY ARE WATCHING: WOLFMAN AND DRACULA THERE LOOKING AT US. Harlequin Baby was a powerful empath and he could sense things. All of us ran over to the car near where Wolfman had pressed his junk on it. Pam took a picture with her iPhone and then pointed her gun around. We were hearing this hosed up noise.

We all slowly looked up. Up to the roof of the house. Frankenstein was there! Why didn't Harlequin Baby sense him! He was rubbing his dick at us! I shot him in his dick but them bullet just went through his dick meat! And then he shot into space and I heard that Dracula laughing nearby.

I pointed my gun at a tree that I thought looked weird. gently caress This Gay Earth, I thought.

# ? Jun 23, 2015 22:25

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

We can all make jokes about "lol fat goon", but have you tasted lard on something like toast or a cracker?

As carnivores, it's written in our DNA that consuming straight animal fat is a part of our survival. It's why humans love butter and cheeseburgers and poo poo. Lard sounds gross, but it triggers pretty much every pleasure neuron in your brain when you taste it.

That's also why you should never, ever taste it. We don't have to hunt our food anymore, and burn 10,000 calories to bring down a mammoth. With lard just readily available to consume, it will kill your sedentary, worthless rear end with deliciousness.

Source: son of dirt poor immigrants who cooked with lard and wasted nothing.

# ? Jun 24, 2015 00:18

Grandmother of Five: May 9, 2008; I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.

saying that lard is tasty isn't stupid because it is gross or unhealthy, it's stupid because every single person already knows how salt and fat tastes without you telling them. it is one step above saying "ever heard of fire, my man?" people are aware

# ? Jun 24, 2015 01:17

Evilreaver: Feb 26, 2007; GEORGE IS GETTIN' AUGMENTED!; Dinosaur Gum

Grandmother of Five posted:

saying that lard is tasty isn't stupid because it is gross or unhealthy, it's stupid because every single person already knows how salt and fat tastes without you telling them. it is one step above saying "ever heard of fire, my man?" people are aware

walks up to the nearest Dennys patron and shakes them by the shoulders shouting "My nigga have you tried lard on toast?"

# ? Jun 24, 2015 01:26

Big Grunty Secret: Aug 28, 2007; Just one question, though. Is there a way to take off my pants?

So I guess when my Spanish-born roommate suggested manteca (lard on toast) I shouldn't have laughed at him?

Oh wait one time when I was making pulled pork I caught him eating the discarded pork fat out of the trash like a raccoon, so I guess I can.

# ? Jun 24, 2015 01:30

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

Grandmother of Five posted:

saying that lard is tasty isn't stupid because it is gross or unhealthy, it's stupid because every single person already knows how salt and fat tastes without you telling them. it is one step above saying "ever heard of fire, my man?" people are aware

And yet, "lol fried bread" is a meme.

# ? Jun 24, 2015 01:38

El Estrago Bonito: Dec 17, 2010; Scout Finch Bitch

A GLISTENING HODOR posted:

And yet, "lol fried bread" is a meme.

Don't insult the food of my people!

and we wonder why the first nations has such a huge Diabetes and obesity problem... That poo poo is seriously unhealthy.

# ? Jun 24, 2015 02:11

Sally: Jan 9, 2007; Don't post Small Dash!

my dad posted:

I hate myself for knowing what this post is a reference to.

same

# ? Jun 24, 2015 02:49

Alain Perdrix: Dec 19, 2007; Howdy!

El Estrago Bonito posted:

Don't insult the food of my people!

and we wonder why the first nations has such a huge Diabetes and obesity problem... That poo poo is seriously unhealthy.

Also, the exorbitant grocery costs associated with buying fresh, nutrient rich foods that were shipped to remote reservations makes it impossible for poorer families to invest in anything beyond cheaper, long-shelf-life poo poo like pizza pockets or whatever. Hell, even the non-perishables are still super expensive � I think Attawapiskat was reporting $15 for a pound of sugar two years ago, or something nuts like that.

Frybread with jam does kinda own, though.

# ? Jun 24, 2015 02:52

Sestze: Jun 6, 2004; Cybernetic Crumb

Evilreaver posted:

walks up to the nearest Dennys patron and shakes them by the shoulders shouting "My nigga have you tried lard on toast?"

goddamnit i love these forums

Chokes McGee posted:

Update: there is a wasp's nest in my chimney

Seriously I'm not being glib here, there's a wasp's nest in my chimney and a yellowjacket literally two inches long living in it

Fortunately it's an enclosed (non-functional) gas fireplace but holy poo poo this loving month. We've called the exterminators and I'm seriously considering just burning this house down and taking the insurance money.

Choco1980 posted:

*wasps take over LP. Surprisingly they're at a similar level quality wise, and more dependable with update schedules*

Kemix posted:

Wasps:WWEEEEEE ARRRRRRRRE LEGION! THIS WILL BEEEEEEEE THE BEEEEEST LP EVER!

FredMSloniker posted:

SORRY GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK NEIGHBORS FUMIGATED

Chokes McGee posted:

Hey hey! Good news, I found a job! Turns out the wasps were hiring. We all had a good laugh about it. Then they stung me a whole bunch.

Update in a day or two!

Archenteron posted:

Congratulations on your new future as a corporate drone.

Chokes McGee posted:

out

# ? Jun 24, 2015 03:36

Vincent Van Goatse: Nov 8, 2006; Enjoy every sandwich.; Smellrose

El Estrago Bonito posted:

Don't insult the food of my people!

You're English?

# ? Jun 24, 2015 07:35

The MSJ: May 17, 2010

Otis Reddit posted:

an artificial boundary between neck and face (called chin)

# ? Jun 24, 2015 08:19

Jedit: Dec 10, 2011; Proudly supporting vanilla legends 1994-2014

Evilreaver posted:

walks up to the nearest Dennys patron and shakes them by the shoulders shouting "My nigga have you tried lard on toast?"

Denny's are currently doing a Fantastic Four tie-in meal that runs to 1920 calories. I'd be amazed if you could find the shoulders of one of their patrons.

# ? Jun 24, 2015 09:17

lollontee: Nov 4, 2014; Can't post for 10 years!

Take bread, cut middle out, fry on pan and put egg in hole. These are called Yugoslavians in Finland. I don't know why.

# ? Jun 24, 2015 10:37

Centripetal Horse: Nov 22, 2009; Fuck money, get GBS

This could have bought you a half a tank of gas, lmfao -
Love, gromdul

Friendly Tumour posted:

Take bread, cut middle out, fry on pan and put egg in hole. These are called Yugoslavians in Finland. I don't know why.

I grew up calling them hole-in-ones, and they are almost enough to make me believe in God.

# ? Jun 24, 2015 11:12

Zulily Zoetrope: Jun 1, 2011; Muldoon

Friendly Tumour posted:

Take bread, cut middle out, fry on pan and put egg in hole. These are called Yugoslavians in Finland. I don't know why.

I used to call them eggy toasts until I learned that I should call them toad-in-the-hole.

# ? Jun 24, 2015 13:39

Jedit: Dec 10, 2011; Proudly supporting vanilla legends 1994-2014

Kajeesus posted:

I used to call them eggy toasts until I learned that I should call them toad-in-the-hole.

Toad in the hole is sausages wrapped in batter.

# ? Jun 24, 2015 14:47

Subjunctive: Sep 12, 2006; ✨sparkle and shine✨

Jedit posted:

Toad in the hole is sausages wrapped in batter.

Pigs in a blanket?

# ? Jun 24, 2015 14:51

A Moose: Oct 22, 2009

Friendly Tumour posted:

Take bread, cut middle out, fry on pan and put egg in hole. These are called Yugoslavians in Finland. I don't know why.

I always heard of them as "eggs in a basket"

# ? Jun 24, 2015 16:29

22 Eargesplitten: Oct 10, 2010

Friendly Tumour posted:

Take bread, cut middle out, fry on pan and put egg in hole. These are called Yugoslavians in Finland. I don't know why.

They are both full of holes?

# ? Jun 24, 2015 16:39

Araenna: Dec 27, 2012; Lipstick Apathy

A Moose posted:

I always heard of them as "eggs in a basket"

Seconding "eggs in a basket".

# ? Jun 24, 2015 16:48

coolskull: Nov 11, 2007

Grandma used to turn a canned chicken inside out and roll it in a tray of Cap'n Crunch: Oops! All Berries before leaving it out on the dehydrating stone. Called it Cow's In The Corn.

# ? Jun 24, 2015 16:52