Schadenfreude Thread: a tendency to turn your ass into a painful trombone

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > Schadenfreude Thread: a tendency to turn your ass into a painful trombone

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Turtlicious: Sep 17, 2012; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Generally, things in italics are sarcastic. This is the internet, it's like a universal sign.

# ? Jul 6, 2015 03:41

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# ? May 31, 2024 22:37

President Ark: May 16, 2010

Railing Kill posted:

You take that back. TAKE IT BACK.

Everyone knows that's new Jersey.

I'd agree with you, but we don't have nearly enough retirees in this state for that to be true.

# ? Jul 6, 2015 03:43

Orkin Mang: Nov 1, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

lmbo it was a sarcastic post sulla i dont know the blog poo poo he was refering to and even i got it, and im classically autistic im like a standard candle in autism studies and even i got it. even me. hahahaha

# ? Jul 6, 2015 05:48

BOOTY-ADE: Aug 30, 2006; BIG KOOL TELLIN' Y'ALL TO KEEP IT TIGHT

Handiklap posted:

How in the actual gently caress is that remotely possible? Aren't pretty much all mortar fuses like 18" long for exactly that reason?

No idea - I've seen plenty of those giant combo-mortar tubes being sold, and what little fuse they had looked to be around 1-2" long at most. Ones with the tube and separate munitions all have had the minimum 18" from ammo to fuse tip though, anything packaged can be questionable at times. :shrug:

# ? Jul 6, 2015 13:58

Alaois: Feb 7, 2012

President Ark posted:

I'd agree with you, but we don't have nearly enough retirees in this state for that to be true.

where do you think they all go

# ? Jul 6, 2015 14:05

Palpek: Dec 27, 2008; Do you feel it, Zach?
My coffee warned me about it.

Ozz81 posted:

No idea - I've seen plenty of those giant combo-mortar tubes being sold, and what little fuse they had looked to be around 1-2" long at most. Ones with the tube and separate munitions all have had the minimum 18" from ammo to fuse tip though, anything packaged can be questionable at times.

What happened to the guy exactly though? The article reads: "I was the first one who got there. There was no rushing him to the hospital. There was no Devon left when I got there." Was it like being thrown into molten lava or something?

# ? Jul 6, 2015 14:16

Data Graham: Dec 28, 2009; 📈📊🍪😋

I'm guessing he looked like this guy:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYmfSbfA5iU

Only, you know, not as lucid.

# ? Jul 6, 2015 14:21

Rick_Hunter: Jan 5, 2004; My guys are still fighting the hard fight!
(weapons, shields and drones are still online!)

Palpek posted:

What happened to the guy exactly though? The article reads: "I was the first one who got there. There was no rushing him to the hospital. There was no Devon left when I got there." Was it like being thrown into molten lava or something?

I imagine it was a lot like getting cherry pied by a shotgun or large caliber hand gun.

# ? Jul 6, 2015 14:26

Anora: Feb 16, 2014; I fuckin suck!🪠

Data Graham posted:

I hope he wasn't that awesome Gaston who got his rear end handed to him by that little girl.

This had me so worried.

I hope Disney keeps that awesome Gaston as well guarded as a dignitary. Maybe not President level's of Secret Service, but at least decent Mayor levels of security.

# ? Jul 6, 2015 17:43

ElGroucho: Nov 1, 2005; We already - What about sticking our middle fingers up... That was insane; Fun Shoe

Sulla-Marius 88 posted:

no I've just been exposed to enough maladjusted women-fearing nerds to not automatically assume that a post like that is fake

i also have enough self-awareness not to dogpile on the stranger who said "hey you shouldnt use racial epithets they're bad" because you loving LOSER dont you KNOW it was SARCASTIC related to some esoteric IN JOKE you should go KILL YOURSELF and NEVER COMMENT ON RACISM OR SEXISM AGAIN

you stupid goddamn internet idiots

Goddamnit, I always miss the meltdowns

# ? Jul 6, 2015 18:31

Scruff McGruff: Feb 13, 2007; Jesus, kid, you're almost a detective. All you need now is a gun, a gut, and three ex-wives.

Countdown to Sulla-Marius 88's Puppetmaster Defense.

# ? Jul 6, 2015 18:38

The Sex Cannon: Nov 22, 2004; Eh. I'm pretty content with my current logo.

Codependent Poster posted:

Lumiere was tired of his poo poo.

Nice.

# ? Jul 6, 2015 19:09

Ariza: Feb 8, 2006

Scruff McGruff posted:

Countdown to Sulla-Marius 88's Puppetmaster Defense.

Go outside you loving baby. It's getting pathetic.

# ? Jul 6, 2015 20:35

Your Computer: Oct 3, 2008; Grimey Drawer

Palpek posted:

What happened to the guy exactly though? The article reads: "I was the first one who got there. There was no rushing him to the hospital. There was no Devon left when I got there." Was it like being thrown into molten lava or something?

The .gif thread seems to have the answer:

Also, that "holding a lit lighter" story sounds really "I swear doctor, I slipped in the shower and fell right on it".

# ? Jul 6, 2015 21:07

goatsestretchgoals: Jun 4, 2011

Your Computer posted:

The .gif thread seems to have the answer:

Also, that "holding a lit lighter" story sounds really "I swear doctor, I slipped in the shower and fell right on it".

Buddy of mine came about 6 inches away from doing this to himself a few years back. Beer and explosives: always the right choice.

# ? Jul 6, 2015 21:16

Space Kablooey: May 6, 2009

bitcoin bastard posted:

Buddy of mine came about 6 inches away from doing this to himself a few years back. Beer and explosives: always the right choice.

Until I got to the explosives, I thought your friend almost fell on something, but now I'm not so sure. I hope he's ok, regardless. :ohdear:

# ? Jul 6, 2015 21:34

goatsestretchgoals: Jun 4, 2011

Yeah nothing happened beyond an 'oh holy gently caress' moment, but if he had kept his head over the mortar tube another half second it would have been a lovely 4th.

# ? Jul 6, 2015 21:54

Nitrox: Jul 5, 2002

Distracted driving kills, folks. Don't jerk off on the road
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJASW7IOAqM

# ? Jul 6, 2015 23:51

Bates: Jun 15, 2006

Nitrox posted:

Distracted driving kills, folks. Don't jerk off on the road
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJASW7IOAqM

I'm so happy we're getting black boxes in cars in the EU. Not as good as dash cams of course but it'll help getting some of these dipshits held accountable.

# ? Jul 7, 2015 00:00

Toys For Ass Bum: Feb 1, 2015

VALVe recently made some small gameplay changes to Team Fortress 2 and somebody is very, very, VERY mad about it :bahgawd:

# ? Jul 7, 2015 00:13

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

wayne curr posted:

VALVe recently made some small gameplay changes to Team Fortress 2 and somebody is very, very, VERY mad about it

Awww, I was expecting a total meltdown.

I bet there's people livid on reddit :unsmigghh:

# ? Jul 7, 2015 00:40

Lord Chumley: May 14, 2007; Embrace your destiny.

Zaphod42 posted:

Awww, I was expecting a total meltdown.

I bet there's people livid on reddit

From earlier in that thread.

# ? Jul 7, 2015 00:57

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

Now that's what I'm talking about.

mmmmm delicious.

# ? Jul 7, 2015 01:03

pulp rag: Feb 25, 2013; AGDQ 2018 Awful Block Survivor

We doing videogame SA breakdowns? Because a really juicy one in the Splatoon thread has been beautiful.

zolthorg posted:

How the unholy gently caress does "Battles between dog v dog teams don't count towards your splatfest rewards" actually make loving sense when it says right there that cats won MORE battles "but oh you just lose anyways because of invisible multiplier!"

What's the loving point it's literally impossible for a team with less of a population to earn more points then the other team, the only thing that should be counted is the loving win rate??

zolthorg posted:

They LITERALLY stated "WE WILL ONLY COUNT MATCHES BETWEEN CATS AND DOGS"

A Full cat team does mediocre, and somehow scores 199 points each x 4 people and wins against a team of dogs who extort the spacetime continuum and all earn 401 points but lose
4 cats are rewarded 3 points each, 4 dogs are rewarded 2 points each, total slimmest point margin difference POSSIBLE: 12 points to team cat, 8 points to team dog.

They actually loving counted dog vs dog matches

zolthorg posted:

The winner of splatfest is apparently just winrate*2 + popularity out of 100

so if you're in a 38/62 population split you need a goddamn loving 55% winrate to win. There is zero skill or gameplay involved you're just supposed to go to "le epic reddite" and find out which pick is the predetermined winning side like a loving world of warcraft server before you even start playing

zolthorg posted:

There is no winner, its a loving popularity vote that gets you 6 more of the item for zero difference in effort

zolthorg posted:

Unless you're using an aerospray or playing ranked battle, a good turfwar player hits like 1300 points on a win, if you round that off to 1500 points then a sea snail is worth 20 wins to a player of that calibur. I lost 120 wins worth of gold due to garbage vote tallying which is 6 hours of more grinding in my life. To be specific, 6 hours of consecutive turf war wins and I have to switch from weapons I like to playing the dumb Aerospray; otherwise it will take me even longer.

Good Job Dogs~!!

zolthorg posted:

Can't believe people are still defending votefest and the design of it and using my being mad at video games as an excuse for apathy or dignation

Here are the results of the 3 splatfests that went on since the matchmaking bugfix:
J2 - 67 Popularity beats 33, 6% win difference in the losing team's favor
NA1 - 62 Popularity beats 38, 2% win difference in the losing team's favor
EU1 - 67 Popularity beats 33, 6% win difference in the losing team's favor

if your win percentage difference was multiplied by 5 all three of the losing teams would still have lost
67 > 63, 62 > 48, 67 > 63

I'm talking about just giving two of those teams 30 points from win percentages, pretending they have a 15% differential by the current algorithm, which is a 42.5 to 57.5 winrate split. And they would STILL lose because the algorithm ridiculously heavily favors votes.

Splatfest should immediately move to a system that rewards you 3 separate bonuses: One for team rank, one for team winrate, and one for team popularity, otherwise if you have the audacity to pick a team before the end of the 2-3 day preamble and pick the losing team, you have a low incentive to play.

# ? Jul 7, 2015 01:11

Ragequit: Jun 1, 2006; Lipstick Apathy

pulp rag posted:

We doing videogame SA breakdowns? Because a really juicy one in the Splatoon thread has been beautiful.

I play video games and that is still a bunch of gibberish to me.

# ? Jul 7, 2015 01:18

pulp rag: Feb 25, 2013; AGDQ 2018 Awful Block Survivor

Ragequit posted:

I play video games and that is still a bunch of gibberish to me.

In short, people had to pick Team Cat or Team Dog, and Team Dog won because they were more popular, despite the winrate being less than a 2% gap.

My legit bad if people don't think it's as scoot frooty as me, though. I thought it was. :shrug:

# ? Jul 7, 2015 01:21

Nitrox: Jul 5, 2002

pulp rag posted:

In short, people had to pick Team Cat or Team Dog, and Team Dog won because they were more popular, despite the winrate being less than a 2% gap.

My legit bad if people don't think it's as scoot frooty as me, though. I thought it was.

I still don't understand

VVV Thanks VVV

Nitrox has a new favorite as of 01:29 on Jul 7, 2015

# ? Jul 7, 2015 01:23

Icedude: Mar 30, 2004

Nitrox posted:

I still don't understand

He's mad he only got 18 'free upgrade' items instead of 24 because his team (the Cat team) lost due to almost twice as many people voting for Dogs instead of Cats, despite the fact the Cat team won about 1% more matches.

# ? Jul 7, 2015 01:25

Judge Schnoopy: Nov 2, 2005; dont even TRY it, pal

Icedude posted:

He's mad he only got 18 'free upgrade' items instead of 24 because his team (the Cat team) lost due to almost twice as many people voting for Dogs instead of Cats, despite the fact the Cat team won about 1% more matches.

This explains absofuckinglutely nothing, hth

Maybe a link to the game because I'm missing the point entirely

# ? Jul 7, 2015 01:31

Decrepus: May 21, 2008; In the end, his dominion did not touch a single poster.

I can't believe the audience for that game is 25+ year old men.

# ? Jul 7, 2015 01:35

GOTTA STAY FAI: Mar 24, 2005; ~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~; College Slice

Lord Chumley posted:

From earlier in that thread.

"THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU'LL SEE ME, DON'T EVEN BOTHER RESPONDING TO ME BECAUSE I WON'T READ IT"

*logs out, then back in under an alt account, mashes F5 obsessively for the next week*

# ? Jul 7, 2015 01:50

Zaphod42: Sep 13, 2012; If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

Judge Schnoopy posted:

This explains absofuckinglutely nothing, hth

Maybe a link to the game because I'm missing the point entirely

The game is splatoon. There's a special event where players pick one side or the other and then compete to see who wins. The winning side gets more in-game rewards.

This event was cats vs dogs. You just pick if you like cats better or dogs better and then you play with other people who picked the same against people who picked the other.
The cat team beat the dog team more overall, but still lost the event because more people picked dogs than cats and that was a factor.

The dude melting down is really really mad because it turned into a popularity contest.

The difference between winning the event and losing the event was 6 of these little upgrade items. People who played on either team cat or team dog both got lots of items, team cat still got 18, dog just got a few more.

Its the most ridiculous thing to get upset about.

# ? Jul 7, 2015 01:56

Icedude: Mar 30, 2004

Judge Schnoopy posted:

This explains absofuckinglutely nothing, hth

Maybe a link to the game because I'm missing the point entirely

Grown man picks team in video game for kids. His team loses. Throws hissyfit because he thinks his team should have won.

Not sure how to make this any simpler for you.

# ? Jul 7, 2015 01:58

Wendell: May 11, 2003

Dang, that zolthorg guy is loving weird.

# ? Jul 7, 2015 02:59

SLOSifl: Aug 10, 2002

Judge Schnoopy posted:

This explains absofuckinglutely nothing, hth

Maybe a link to the game because I'm missing the point entirely

It's that Google acid trip image processor describing Vietnam War photos in text. It almost makes sense until you start seeing dogs everywhere.

# ? Jul 7, 2015 03:21

SneezeOfTheDecade: Feb 6, 2011; gettin' covid all
over your posts

Judge Schnoopy posted:

This explains absofuckinglutely nothing, hth

Maybe a link to the game because I'm missing the point entirely

Splatoon is literally targeted at 14-year-olds. But since it's nominally a third-person shooter (it uses ink rather than bullets, and nobody actually dies), adult gamers take it really loving seriously and get incredibly pissed off when it doesn't work the way they expect shootygames to work.

# ? Jul 7, 2015 03:31

Jombo: Feb 20, 2009

http://i.imgur.com/TZJ1gK8.gifv

# ? Jul 7, 2015 05:30

Say Nothing: Mar 5, 2013; by FactsAreUseless

# ? Jul 7, 2015 05:32

Megillah Gorilla: Sep 22, 2003; If only all of life's problems could be solved by smoking a professor of ancient evil texts.; Bread Liar

wayne curr posted:

VALVe recently made some small gameplay changes to Team Fortress 2 and somebody is very, very, VERY mad about it

Let me see if I've got this right:

Team Fortress 2 lets you use special weapons you can either buy outright for ridiculous sums or 'earn' via diligent poopsocking. Or simply be gifted with one by random chance. You can use these weapons in game. Some have really good stats, but many serve no purpose other than inflating your e-penis. E.g. gold reskins of existing weapons.

In the new changes, if you bring your poopsocking cannon into a round and die, someone else can pick it up and use it. But you don't actually lose the weapon, permanently. At the end of the game you get it back no matter whose hands it's in. They don't get to keep it.

So you lose absolutely nothing and newer players get to experience rare weapons they would otherwise never get to play with.

But we're dealing with petulant selfish man-children so, of course, they're whining and throwing tantrums.

Any game with a "hard core" demographic always has this poo poo happen.

# ? Jul 7, 2015 06:17

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# ? May 31, 2024 22:37

chitoryu12: Apr 24, 2014

Gorilla Salad posted:

Let me see if I've got this right:

Team Fortress 2 lets you use special weapons you can either buy outright for ridiculous sums or 'earn' via diligent poopsocking. Or simply be gifted with one by random chance. You can use these weapons in game. Some have really good stats, but many serve no purpose other than inflating your e-penis. E.g. gold reskins of existing weapons.

In the new changes, if you bring your poopsocking cannon into a round and die, someone else can pick it up and use it. But you don't actually lose the weapon, permanently. At the end of the game you get it back no matter whose hands it's in. They don't get to keep it.

So you lose absolutely nothing and newer players get to experience rare weapons they would otherwise never get to play with.

But we're dealing with petulant selfish man-children so, of course, they're whining and throwing tantrums.

Any game with a "hard core" demographic always has this poo poo happen.

That is exactly correct.

# ? Jul 7, 2015 06:18

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