Let's Talk About Idiots! We can't stop here, this is Ba'ath country!

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Let's Talk About Idiots! We can't stop here, this is Ba'ath country!

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Davethulhu: Aug 12, 2003; Morbid Hound

Hillary Clintons Thong posted:

isn't bristol the literally retarded one?

Trick question!

Edit: Bristol is the abstinence advocate who has had 2 children out of wedlock. The (likely) dad of #2 is who she ended up marrying.

Edit 2: #2 is named "Sailor". I am not joking.

Davethulhu fucked around with this message at 03:49 on Jun 9, 2016

# ? Jun 9, 2016 03:47

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# ? May 17, 2024 21:24

hogmartin: Mar 27, 2007

Davethulhu posted:

https://twitter.com/Local12/status/740709249211305984

Fun game: identify the bigger idiot.

Is her second child's husband a marine or is her second child's dad's husband a marine?

or are they all marines?

are we all marines?

is

it

marines

all

the

way

down

# ? Jun 9, 2016 03:49

Godholio: Aug 28, 2002; Does a bear split in the woods near Zheleznogorsk?

Maybe she'll be Trump's VP. She's certainly orange enough.

# ? Jun 9, 2016 03:49

Tunicate: May 15, 2012

Godholio posted:

Maybe she'll be Trump's VP. She's certainly orange enough.

Trump already announced Oprah as his VP pick

# ? Jun 9, 2016 03:52

Syrian Lannister: Aug 25, 2007; Oh, did I kill him too?
I've been a very busy little man.; Sugartime Jones

Davethulhu posted:

Trick question!

Edit: Bristol is the abstinence advocate who has had 2 children out of wedlock. The (likely) dad of #2 is who she ended up marrying.

Edit 2: #2 is named "Sailor". I am not joking.

I miss the Johnson Checks in series from the front page.

# ? Jun 9, 2016 03:54

Dick Burglar: Mar 6, 2006

There were two Johnson posts last month. Not considered part of the Checks In series for whatever reason though.
http://www.somethingawful.com/news/levi-returns-2016/
http://www.somethingawful.com/news/bernie-chair-throwing/

Edit: in other news, your profile picture is horrifying.

# ? Jun 9, 2016 04:10

chemosh6969

Jul 3, 2004

code:
cat /dev/null > /etc/professionalism

_{_{I am in fact a massive asswagon.

Do not let me touch computer.}}

Hillary Clintons Thong posted:

Well no loving poo poo, guy. But a state/county/city cop can't arrest you, thus causing the military to recall you and terminate your benefits if its legal in the location of the arrest that wouldn't happen because it wouldn't be a crime.

Saw you calmed down some, so that's cool but you can still get arrested for weed in weed legal states or ones where medical cards are the only way to get it. There's still tons of laws you can break at a state level plus cities and counties can have stricter rules as well. I'm from Oregon so we're in the middle of all this stuff happening.

Soulex posted:

These cops were malicious though. I've almost been T-Boned when I had right of way and got a ticket for "reckless driving."

I was off base one night and watched a marine cop force a local to crash his car into the median because he wanted to get by him. No, of course he didn't stop for the accident he just caused.

chemosh6969 fucked around with this message at 16:03 on Jun 9, 2016

# ? Jun 9, 2016 15:56

Soulex: Apr 1, 2009; Cacati in mano e pigliati a schiaffi!

chemosh6969 posted:

Saw you calmed down some, so that's cool but you can still get arrested for weed in weed legal states or ones where medical cards are the only way to get it. There's still tons of laws you can break at a state level plus cities and counties can have stricter rules as well. I'm from Oregon so we're in the middle of all this stuff happening.

I was off base one night and watched a marine cop force a local to crash his car into the median because he wanted to get by him. No, of course he didn't stop for the accident he just caused.

I know what you mean. In Crestview, there is a hearty rivalry that borders on insane between law enforcement and fire fighters. I literally saw a fire truck on the way to a call get pulled over in a speed trap. Like :gonk:

what the hell?

Crestview, Florida has DoT, State Trooper, City Police, County Police, Sheriff office, Game and Wild Life, and I think State Police if that's a thing. All have pulled me over for various things. The funniest one dealt with my piece of poo poo car I had at the time. The muffler actually fell down so I was scraping it on the ground during a drive home from Destin. People were honking at me and waving and I was like "Yeah, I know I'm dragging something." As soon as I hit city limits blue lights go on behind me and pull me over. Cop gets out with gun in hand and a few other cop cars come up and block my front. I'm sitting there going what the gently caress. I keep my hands on the steering wheel and the cops look around my car, and finally come up to me. "Where's the bomb?" They ask.
"Huh?"
"We got a few calls saying a car was dragging a bomb on the ground behind their car causing sparks." I look at him incredulously before it dawned on me that my muffler had been causing sparks to fly off my car. Laughing a little I told him my muffler fell on the way home and I was gonna fix it when I got there. They checked the vehicle, saw nothing crazy and then let me go on my way.

I drat sure cinched that fucker up with a wire clothes hanger after that.

# ? Jun 9, 2016 16:11

Kawasaki Nun: Jul 16, 2001; by Reene

Soulex posted:

I know what you mean. In Crestview, there is a hearty rivalry that borders on insane between law enforcement and fire fighters. I literally saw a fire truck on the way to a call get pulled over in a speed trap. Like what the hell?

Crestview, Florida has DoT, State Trooper, City Police, County Police, Sheriff office, Game and Wild Life, and I think State Police if that's a thing. All have pulled me over for various things. The funniest one dealt with my piece of poo poo car I had at the time. The muffler actually fell down so I was scraping it on the ground during a drive home from Destin. People were honking at me and waving and I was like "Yeah, I know I'm dragging something." As soon as I hit city limits blue lights go on behind me and pull me over. Cop gets out with gun in hand and a few other cop cars come up and block my front. I'm sitting there going what the gently caress. I keep my hands on the steering wheel and the cops look around my car, and finally come up to me. "Where's the bomb?" They ask.
"Huh?"
"We got a few calls saying a car was dragging a bomb on the ground behind their car causing sparks." I look at him incredulously before it dawned on me that my muffler had been causing sparks to fly off my car. Laughing a little I told him my muffler fell on the way home and I was gonna fix it when I got there. They checked the vehicle, saw nothing crazy and then let me go on my way.

I drat sure cinched that fucker up with a wire clothes hanger after that.

The Aristocrats

# ? Jun 10, 2016 07:46

Hexyflexy: Sep 2, 2011; asymptotically approaching one

Soulex posted:

I know what you mean. In Crestview, there is a hearty rivalry that borders on insane between law enforcement and fire fighters. I literally saw a fire truck on the way to a call get pulled over in a speed trap. Like what the hell?

Crestview, Florida has DoT, State Trooper, City Police, County Police, Sheriff office, Game and Wild Life, and I think State Police if that's a thing. All have pulled me over for various things. The funniest one dealt with my piece of poo poo car I had at the time. The muffler actually fell down so I was scraping it on the ground during a drive home from Destin. People were honking at me and waving and I was like "Yeah, I know I'm dragging something." As soon as I hit city limits blue lights go on behind me and pull me over. Cop gets out with gun in hand and a few other cop cars come up and block my front. I'm sitting there going what the gently caress. I keep my hands on the steering wheel and the cops look around my car, and finally come up to me. "Where's the bomb?" They ask.
"Huh?"
"We got a few calls saying a car was dragging a bomb on the ground behind their car causing sparks." I look at him incredulously before it dawned on me that my muffler had been causing sparks to fly off my car. Laughing a little I told him my muffler fell on the way home and I was gonna fix it when I got there. They checked the vehicle, saw nothing crazy and then let me go on my way.

I drat sure cinched that fucker up with a wire clothes hanger after that.

Congratulations, you almost got murdered. Jesus Christ.

# ? Jun 10, 2016 11:39

dscruffy1: Nov 22, 2007; Look out!; Nap Ghost

Hexyflexy posted:

Congratulations, you almost got murdered. Jesus Christ.

Good thing he's not black or this could have gone tragic.

# ? Jun 10, 2016 12:33

joat mon: Oct 15, 2009; I am the master of my lamp;
I am the captain of my tub.

dscruffy1 posted:

Good thing he's not black or this could have gone tragic.

They could see that his moral compass was pointing to "there was this one time I didn't gently caress a drunk person in the rear end at mcdonalds" and spared him.

# ? Jun 10, 2016 14:52

Crab Dad: Dec 28, 2002; behold i have tempered and refined thee, but not as silver; as CRAB

joat mon posted:

They could see that his moral compass was pointing to "there was this one time I didn't gently caress a drunk person in the rear end at mcdonalds" and spared him.

But really who hasn't?

I got offered the same by some idiot the day she found out I got engaged.

# ? Jun 10, 2016 16:19

Stultus Maximus: Dec 21, 2009; USPOL May

quote:

AEFORD, N.C. � Officials said a man who was arrested and charged with communicating threats Thursday after a series of incidents at a Raeford mosque is a major in the U.S. Army Reserve.

Hoke County Sheriff Hubert Peterkin said the man, who was identified as Russell Thomas Langford, of 1733 Sykes Pond Road, Fayetteville, had several firearms, ammunition and other weapons in his Chevrolet Tahoe during the incidents, which began around 4:30 p.m. at the Masjid Al Madina.

Langford was charged with ethnic intimidation, assault with a deadly weapon, going armed to the terror of the public, communicating threats, stalking and disorderly conduct, officials said. He was given a $60,000 bond.

The incidents began when two employees found a bag filled with bacon at the entrance of the mosque, authorities said. Muslims have a religious prohibition against eating pork.

Then, following afternoon prayers, a man leaving the mosque said a man followed him to to his home. Later, when the worshiper returned around 5:30 p.m., he said the person who followed him was at the mosque again.

Authorities told WRAL News that a retired Army captain, who is a Muslim chaplain at Fort Bragg, was approached by a man around 6 p.m. in the parking lot of the mosque. According to the chaplain, the man showed him a gun and said he wanted to blow up the mosque.

The chaplain said he asked the man to come inside and talk, but the man declined and left the area.

Officials said the man returned around 8 p.m. and attempted to run over a group of people in his SUV while worshipers were entering the mosque for their Ramadan evening prayer.

"We call on state law enforcement authorities and the FBI to investigate this incident as a possible hate crime,� said Ibrahim Hooper, of the Washington-D.C. Council on American-Islamic Relations. �We also ask local police to step up patrols in the area of this and other North Carolina mosques, particularly during the nightly activities associated with the ongoing fast of Ramadan."

The president of Masjid Al Madina said Thursday's incident was the first act of violence at mosque and is thankful nobody was hurt.

Authorities said the investigation is ongoing. No additional information has been released.

Read more at http://www.wral.com/authorities-inv...6FbA7pmz7YMu.99

# ? Jun 10, 2016 16:24

chemosh6969

Jul 3, 2004

code:
cat /dev/null > /etc/professionalism

_{_{I am in fact a massive asswagon.

Do not let me touch computer.}}

Stultus Maximus posted:

ethnic intimidation, going armed to the terror of the public

They have some weird names for charges these days.

# ? Jun 10, 2016 19:01

MrMojok: Jan 28, 2011

Stultus Maximus posted:

ethnic intimidation, going armed to the terror of the public

There must be some mistake, this is actually a Public Enemy lyric

# ? Jun 10, 2016 19:07

joat mon: Oct 15, 2009; I am the master of my lamp;
I am the captain of my tub.

chemosh6969 posted:

Stultus Maximus posted:
ethnic intimidation, going armed to the terror of the public

They have some weird names for charges these days.

Ethnic intimidation is a hatecrime from the 1990s. Going armed to the terror of the public is from the 1840s - even back then, they liked the tarted up sound of "terror of the public" instead of "affray."

# ? Jun 10, 2016 19:36

hogmartin: Mar 27, 2007

joat mon posted:

They have some weird names for charges these days.

quote:

Ethnic intimidation is a hatecrime from the 1990s. Going armed to the terror of the public is from the 1840s - even back then, they liked the tarted up sound of "terror of the public" instead of "affray."

If there's a terror of the public, and i have to go to it, I'd rather be armed :kiddo:

Kind of a balls of steel chaplain tbqh.

"gonna blow up the mosque and kill lots of people, here's my gun"

"how 'bout we come inside and talk a little about that?"

"nah thanks brah, gonna just murder"

# ? Jun 11, 2016 02:50

FIDEL CASHFLOW: Oct 13, 2009

So it's me, I'm the idiot. One of my friends in the air guard planted the idea in my head last night. She's some commo mos or whatever the air force calls it and basically got her associates in IT shirt plus Security+ just from tech school. Now she's starting a job with hella pay from a 3 letter agency.

I'm seriously considering going back in. Send help.

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:04

CHICKEN SHOES: Oct 4, 2002; Slippery Tilde

FIDEL CASHFLOW posted:

So it's me, I'm the idiot. One of my friends in the air guard planted the idea in my head last night. She's some commo mos or whatever the air force calls it and basically got her associates in IT shirt plus Security+ just from tech school. Now she's starting a job with hella pay from a 3 letter agency.

I'm seriously considering going back in. Send help.

dude

i got out and went back in

its 10x worse than you remember it. How long have you been out?

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:06

CHICKEN SHOES: Oct 4, 2002; Slippery Tilde

seriously though I got out and went back in. Don't be like me I'm obviously human garbage.

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:06

FIDEL CASHFLOW: Oct 13, 2009

3 months.

I only made it 3 months before going back started to seem like a good idea.

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:07

CHICKEN SHOES: Oct 4, 2002; Slippery Tilde

FIDEL CASHFLOW posted:

3 months.

I only made it 3 months before going back started to seem like a good idea.

dude dont do it. Life sucks in the real world for sure, but dont do it. You know as soon as you go to AIT and are treated like a private again is it worth it? How many of those jobs will be filled by the time you are able to apply?

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:08

Kung Fu Fist Fuck: Aug 9, 2009

FIDEL CASHFLOW posted:

3 months.

I only made it 3 months before going back started to seem like a good idea.

thats just separation anxiety, itll pass soon enough

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:09

CHICKEN SHOES: Oct 4, 2002; Slippery Tilde

try the normal human route to it first and if that fails then maybe consider the "military training shortcut" because the ANG or whatever isnt going anywhere in the mean time.

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:10

CHICKEN SHOES: Oct 4, 2002; Slippery Tilde

HEY FIDEL YOU'RE A human being PIECE OF poo poo BECAUSE YOU DIDNT CUT YOUR HAIR

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:11

CHICKEN SHOES: Oct 4, 2002; Slippery Tilde

HEY FIDEL ITS 4AM I NEED YOU TO COME IN AND EMPTY THESE TRASH CANS

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:11

Kung Fu Fist Fuck: Aug 9, 2009

Hillary Clintons Thong posted:

HEY FIDEL YOU'RE A human being PIECE OF poo poo BECAUSE YOU DIDNT CUT YOUR HAIR

did you even shave this morning you shitbag?!

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:11

CHICKEN SHOES: Oct 4, 2002; Slippery Tilde

Kung Fu Fist gently caress posted:

did you even shave this morning you shitbag?!

HEY LISTEN YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE I loving HATE MY LIFE AND FAMILY AND MY WIFE WANTS TO LEAVE ME AND IS BANGING MY SOLDIERS BEHIND MY BACK, I'M loving MAD AND YOUR CHEEKS ARENT AS SMOOTH AS THE BABY BUTTS ON MY CHILD PORN COLLECTION SO EXTRA DUTY FOR YOU YOU GOD drat HIPPY SUB HUMAN GARBAGE DID YOU SHAVE WITH A SPOON

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:13

Godholio: Aug 28, 2002; Does a bear split in the woods near Zheleznogorsk?

FIDEL CASHFLOW posted:

So it's me, I'm the idiot. One of my friends in the air guard planted the idea in my head last night. She's some commo mos or whatever the air force calls it and basically got her associates in IT shirt plus Security+ just from tech school. Now she's starting a job with hella pay from a 3 letter agency.

I'm seriously considering going back in. Send help.

Uh...what degree did she get, and from where. If she got a real degree and a real job on the outside she won the loving lottery and you know it.

Edit: In another year we'll be in another pointless ground war and they'll be clamoring for any breathing dirtbag to sign up so maybe you can swing a bonus or something out of it then.

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:15

FIDEL CASHFLOW: Oct 13, 2009

She got an associates from CC of the air force and rolled that into a 4 year school. Can't remember what degree it was.

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:18

Godholio: Aug 28, 2002; Does a bear split in the woods near Zheleznogorsk?

If they straight-up took a CCAF associate's, it's probably in Information Technology Knowledge from UofP.

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:19

FIDEL CASHFLOW: Oct 13, 2009

I'll have to ask her, I was p drunk when she planted the idea

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:24

Aranan: May 21, 2007; Release the Kraken

FIDEL CASHFLOW posted:

3 months.

I only made it 3 months before going back started to seem like a good idea.

I'm working nights this week. I went in to an empty office. After going down the list on an outdated call tree, I finally found out that everyone is going to show up 5 hours later and work a late day, but nobody told me.

As a civilian, I can't wait until I won't have to stand outside in a box and get yelled at by some crusty SGM because we didn't go to a "voluntary" awards ceremony. I won't have to run in a big group of sweaty, smelly fuckers who don't understand what personal hygiene is while singing songs about loving airplanes. I'm not going out in a literal blizzard at 2100 to try and spraypaint unit markings on every drat vehicle in the motor pool because someone waited until the last minute to tell us it needed to be done before tomorrow. I won't have to be part of a working party to empty out every dumpster on the battalion footprint to ensure no recyclables were put in them. I won't have to get called at 2030 and be told to come in to drive another company's HMMWV to get loaded up for JRTC, only to get bitched at for it not being properly maintained when I've never even seen the drat vehicle in the first place.

Don't re-join, you retard.

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:30

Stultus Maximus: Dec 21, 2009; USPOL May

FIDEL CASHFLOW posted:

So it's me, I'm the idiot. One of my friends in the air guard planted the idea in my head last night. She's some commo mos or whatever the air force calls it and basically got her associates in IT shirt plus Security+ just from tech school. Now she's starting a job with hella pay from a 3 letter agency.

I'm seriously considering going back in. Send help.

Do you live, or want to live, in the DC area?

If not, it's a total lottery ticket.

I'm a stupid reservist. I work for Naval Intelligence. Every mouthbreather I know who is in DC is making stacks for a TLA or fatter stacks ripping off the government as a contractor because there are millions of bullshit jobs there to siphon off taxpayer money and give it to less deserving people than the average welfare check does. On the other hand, everyone I know who doesn't live in DC but has the same education, clearance, etc. is stacking boxes in a warehouse or shuffling papers as middle management in a plastic factory or something.

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:31

CHICKEN SHOES: Oct 4, 2002; Slippery Tilde

HEY FIDEL WE NEED YOU TO COME IN AND COMPLETE THIS SHARP TRAINING

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:35

Mike-o: Dec 25, 2004; Now I'm in your room
And I'm in your bed; Grimey Drawer

YOUR SOLDIER GOT ARRESTED ON A DUI AND FIGHTING AGAIN WHY THE gently caress DIDN'T YOU HOLD HIS HAND WHILE HE WAS BEING AN IDIOT

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:41

CHICKEN SHOES: Oct 4, 2002; Slippery Tilde

Mike-o posted:

YOUR SOLDIER GOT ARRESTED ON A DUI AND FIGHTING AGAIN WHY THE gently caress DIDN'T YOU HOLD HIS HAND WHILE HE WAS BEING AN IDIOT

Mike-o posted:

YOUR SOLDIER GOT ARRESTED ON A DUI AND FIGHTING AGAIN WHY THE gently caress DIDN'T YOU HOLD HIS HAND WHILE HE WAS BEING AN IDIOT

Mike-o posted:

YOUR SOLDIER GOT ARRESTED ON A DUI AND FIGHTING AGAIN WHY THE gently caress DIDN'T YOU HOLD HIS HAND WHILE HE WAS BEING AN IDIOT

Mike-o posted:

YOUR SOLDIER GOT ARRESTED ON A DUI AND FIGHTING AGAIN WHY THE gently caress DIDN'T YOU HOLD HIS HAND WHILE HE WAS BEING AN IDIOT

Mike-o posted:

YOUR SOLDIER GOT ARRESTED ON A DUI AND FIGHTING AGAIN WHY THE gently caress DIDN'T YOU HOLD HIS HAND WHILE HE WAS BEING AN IDIOT

Mike-o posted:

YOUR SOLDIER GOT ARRESTED ON A DUI AND FIGHTING AGAIN WHY THE gently caress DIDN'T YOU HOLD HIS HAND WHILE HE WAS BEING AN IDIOT

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:44

FIDEL CASHFLOW: Oct 13, 2009

Mike-o posted:

YOUR SOLDIER GOT ARRESTED ON A DUI AND FIGHTING AGAIN WHY THE gently caress DIDN'T YOU HOLD HIS HAND WHILE HE WAS BEING AN IDIOT

This is the most helpful response

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:50

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# ? May 17, 2024 21:24

Suntan Boy: May 27, 2005; Stained, dirty, smells like weed, possibly a relic from the sixties.

HEY YOUR GUY DIDN'T RAKE THE LEAVES IN HIS YARD SO WE'RE GOING TO TAKE HIS MONEY ALSO YOU'RE A PIECE OF poo poo

# ? Jun 11, 2016 04:51

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Let's Talk About Idiots! We can't stop here, this is Ba'ath country!

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