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A FUCKIN CANARY!!
Nov 9, 2005


Since I've only seen cockatoos in Internet videos of them being huge shits, it somehow just never occurred to me that they are real animals that actually exist in the wild and now the way I think of nature has been totally changed.

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Tofu Terry
Oct 4, 2015

by FactsAreUseless
Iirc this is a wild bird and the person left their window open:



Birdenfreude Thread

Testekill
Nov 1, 2012

I demand to be taken seriously

:aronrex:

Tofu Terry posted:

Iirc this is a wild bird and the person left their window open:



Birdenfreude Thread

Yet another relative of the Cockatoo

Sulla Faex
May 14, 2010

No man ever did me so much good, or enemy so much harm, but I repaid him with ENDLESS SHITPOSTING

A FUCKIN CANARY!! posted:

Since I've only seen cockatoos in Internet videos of them being huge shits, it somehow just never occurred to me that they are real animals that actually exist in the wild and now the way I think of nature has been totally changed.

they also exist in captivity, which is often amazingly stupid and cruel because they, like most/all parrots, are really social creatures and require a shitload of stimulation

having a cockatoo as a pet means:

- your neighbours will hate you (cockatoos basically communicate by screeching and screaming at 5 million decibels)

- unless you want to be the proud instigator of animal cruelty/neglect, you as the owner must fulfill the social duties of an entire goddamn flock. which means it needs to be on/near you basically always

- anything it touches gets destroyed. even with all the stimulation that nature and a giant flock bring, wild cockatoos have a primal urge to destroy everything they can get their claws on. a pet cockatoo.. well, do IKEA, Apple, and Amazon have frequent flier points? You might need to sign up

- the angrier you get, the more excited they get. if they can pinpoint an action that visibly pushes your buttons, they will repeat that either ad nauseam or with the timing of a master psychologist. they loving love riling you up

- they have the emotional maturity of little children and will often bite things. and these are not little birds - those beaks are designed to crush nuts and strip the bark from trees

Cockatoos are great and I always wanted one as a kid, but thank god I never got one. The only way I'd keep a cockatoo now is if I lived on a farm with an aviary the size of a barn out back and about fifty other birds in there. Which is never going to happen, so I'm stuck with the schadenfreude of watching other people's youtube videos

Sulla Faex
May 14, 2010

No man ever did me so much good, or enemy so much harm, but I repaid him with ENDLESS SHITPOSTING
Have some cockatoo videos

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRsfOGJ5lZg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35FcCsjwRZ0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fphSfjShySI

The schadenfreude is on the owners who have to take care of a psychotic beaked 3 year old for 30-80 years

Data Graham
Dec 28, 2009

📈📊🍪😋



That's the great thing about the modern world, those of us without pets effectively have everybody else's pets, in 30-second photogenic increments.

Somfin
Oct 25, 2010

In my🦚 experience🛠️ the big things🌑 don't teach you anything🤷‍♀️.

Nap Ghost

Data Graham posted:

That's the great thing about the modern world, those of us without pets effectively have everybody else's pets, in 30-second photogenic increments.

It's the best parts of owning a pet without the worst parts of owning a pet, paid for by the kind of person who videotapes their pets in the hopes that they do something funny.

gschmidl
Sep 3, 2011

watch with knife hands


I can't stop laughing at that first one.

Periphery
Jul 27, 2003
...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXgjG_noNEU

Holy gently caress this one gets amazing at 1min 35sec (watch it from the start).

Sulla Faex
May 14, 2010

No man ever did me so much good, or enemy so much harm, but I repaid him with ENDLESS SHITPOSTING

Periphery posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXgjG_noNEU

Holy gently caress this one gets amazing at 1min 35sec (watch it from the start).

The casual intensity with which cockatoos rampage is amazing. They're like the bird version of Calculon crossed with Roberto.

Skarsnik
Oct 21, 2008

I...AM...RUUUDE!




gschmidl posted:

I can't stop laughing at that first one.

I had a feeling I knew what video that was before opening it

It started a great bird thread not long ago

https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3743086

Malachite_Dragon
Mar 31, 2010

Weaving Merry Christmas magic

gschmidl posted:

I can't stop laughing at that first one.

Its that look of wonder every time it lowers the cup. "When I scream into this thing, it sounds weird! :haw:"

Megillah Gorilla
Sep 22, 2003

If only all of life's problems could be solved by smoking a professor of ancient evil texts.



Bread Liar

Sulla-Marius 88 posted:

- they have the emotional maturity of little children and will often bite things. and these are not little birds - those beaks are designed to crush nuts and strip the bark from trees

They will also lie.

I had a friend whose father owned a cockatoo and its second favourite thing in the world was getting its head scratched by strangers.

Its very favourite thing was luring hesitant strangers in to scratch its head by saying, "No bite! Happy!" and lean its head towards them until it was almost sideways and make some very gentle bobbing motions until the person got the courage to scratch it.

And then it would bite them.

Malachite_Dragon
Mar 31, 2010

Weaving Merry Christmas magic
Like i said:

Malachite_Dragon posted:

They're malicious toddlers with feathers.
My grandmother, bless her, somehow managed to keep two of the little bastards while raising my dad. Joe-Bob was such an rear end in a top hat even the other cockatoo thought he was an rear end in a top hat. Middle of the night, one cage would start screaming and hollering.
The other would start bellowing "SHUT UP, JOE-BOB! SHUT UP!"

Malachite_Dragon has a new favorite as of 13:49 on Oct 6, 2016

Memento
Aug 25, 2009


Bleak Gremlin

A FUCKIN CANARY!! posted:

Since I've only seen cockatoos in Internet videos of them being huge shits, it somehow just never occurred to me that they are real animals that actually exist in the wild and now the way I think of nature has been totally changed.

What is this "the wild" business? I live in suburban Melbourne and there's regularly hundreds of the fuckers just hanging out on front lawns near my house.

The funniest thing I've ever seen one of them do was land on a power line that was too narrow for it to grip properly. It promptly tipped over until it was hanging upside down. It sounded like the ones on the ground started laughing at it while it tried vainly to tip itself the right way up.

Platystemon
Feb 13, 2012

BREADS

A FUCKIN CANARY!! posted:

Since I've only seen cockatoos in Internet videos of them being huge shits, it somehow just never occurred to me that they are real animals that actually exist in the wild and now the way I think of nature has been totally changed.

I am reminded of this article.

quote:

Today, Dr. Masello’s hands are covered with bite scars. He has had four operations to repair a broken knee, a broken nose — “the little accidents you get from working with parrots,” he said.

Platystemon
Feb 13, 2012

BREADS
These guys hate parrots with the white‐hot passion of a thousand Suns (source (1877)):

quote:

PARROTS.

There are few persons or things that are more objectionable than the parrot. In the first place, considered merely as a bird, there is altogether too much of him. The graceful little canary in this delicate wire cage is a thing of beauty even in the eyes of the cold and cynical cat, but the large and gaudy parrot in his immense tin penitentiary is about as unfit to ornament a room as would be a savings bank President dressed in a red coat and yellow trousers and confined in a large meat-safe hung on the side of the wall. The parrot would not seem to be so offensively large were it not for his wretched taste in dress. The more colors that perverse bird can heap upon himself the better is he pleased, and his especial fondness for red, yellow, and green, is the unmistakable mark of a low and vulgar nature. Everybody knows that he cannot sing. Indeed, the parrot admits this himself, and devotes all his energies to the imitation of the language of other animals. There is no doubt that he is a good linguist, but he grossly perverts his natural abilities. Hundreds of parrots have learned to speak the cat, the human, and the horse languages, together with half a dozen different dog dialects, but what use have they ever made of these accomplishments? Has a parrot ever translated the remarks of the cat in regard to the family mice into the language of the householder, so that the latter could more effectually lay his places for the extermination of the mice? or has any parrot thought of repeating to the cat the threats that he may have overheard certain disreputable dogs make in reference to her? The parrot scorns any really useful action of this kind. His highest ambition is to try to imitate some human being whose conversation may have made an impression upon him, and, as a rule, he selects for repetition the most silly and objectionable remarks that his model makes. It appears to be the conviction of nearly every parrot that every one whom he meets is an erring Southern citizen, who needs to be conciliated by a series of disconnected platitudes. The effect upon the average man is maddening to the last degree, and it is noticeable that no really kind-hearted and genial person ever keeps a parrot. That offensive style of bird is either kept by misanthropic old ladies or by malignant persons with a special grudge against their neighbors. A good man would no more dream of keeping a parrot than he would of keeping a Postmaster-General addicted to making a few humorous remarks every five or ten minutes during the day; and an intelligent man would sooner listen to an open-air performance by a peripatetic Administration than come within hearing of a parrot of any species whatever.

Mr. W. B. COOPER, of Philadelphia, is either a sanguine philanthropist or a peculiarly ingenious misanthropist, for the two resemble one another so closely that in many cases the differences are imperceptible. Mr. COOPER thinks that the parrot's abilities as a linguist can be greatly developed by education, and he proposes to establish a university for the exclusive education of parrots. It is his opinion that what parrots need is not strychnine or the wringing of their detestable necks, but "intellectual environment." In order to demonstrate the correctness of this view he intends to collect a large number of intelligent parrots, and give them daily lessons by competent masters. Parrots of all ages will be admitted, and there will be infant classes for newly-fledged parrots, as well as classes in languages, grammar, and rhetoric for adult parrots. Frequent examinations will be held, and those parrots who, either because of natural stupidity or willful neglect of study, are unable to pass the examinations will be dismissed. Thus, in the upper classes there will be none but able and learned parrots, and their associations with one another and with Mr. COOPER and his competent masters will constitute the "intelligent environment" of which Mr. COOPER speaks. He cherishes the belief that parrots can be taught to converse as well as the average barber, and to make public speeches that will compare favorably with those of conciliatory Cabinet officers. Very possibly his hopes may be fully accomplished, but it is hardly necessary to say that the world would scarcely gain thereby.

It will be noticed that Mr. COOPER says nothing whatever in regard to the care which will be given to the morals of the parrots of his university. The inference is that his teaching will be strictly secular, and will have nothing whatever to do with morals. His parrots will sit at their desks and pursue their purely intellectual studies, while their morals will be totally neglected. The result will be inevitable. Bad as the ignorant parrot is, the educated parrot will be far worse. Whereas, the parrot in his normal condition is notoriously profane, and much given to repeating the Swinburnian language of the forecastle, the cultured parrot will adopt other and even more detestable vices. If he is taught to speak with fluency and coherence, what is there to prevent him from becoming a confirmed and habitual lawyer, and arguing in open court the insanity of murderers, or convincing intelligent juries that a life of chronic banking necessarily renders a man morally irresponsible for his acts? How are we to prevent educated parrots from entering the ministry--especially since women have already led the way--and preaching voluble sermons setting forth the beauties of some new religion, or demonstrating that blue tailfeathers are among the vestments which a parrot minister may lawfully wear? Worse than all, we shall find it impossible to keep parrots out of Congress. They will point to this able advocate of the silver dollar, or that bold supporter of the right of the working man to regulate his wages by the weight of his bludgeon, and will triumphantly ask if an educated feathered parrot is not the peer of these human statesmen. Having thus put us to shame and silence, the parrots will win votes by the charm of their natural powers, and will crowd the paths to political preferment. We shall have a Congress of unprincipled parrots voting themselves enormous quantities of crackers, and constantly delivering interminable speeches full of glittering and sounding generalities concerning the beauties of lump sugar and the virtues and wants of the parrot race.

Something ought to be done to Mr. COOPER, and the conviction will soon become general that it should be done with a club of a heavy mallet. This nation is already nearly talked to death. What with its politicians, its lecturers, its barbers, and its professional men, it suffers from talk to an extent unparalleled in history. And yet this remorseless COOPER would deliberately induce parrots to add their talk to the deluge of gabble which is overwhelming us. Beyond a doubt, Mr. COOPER is a bold, bad man, and the public will fail in its duty if it permits him to open his parrot university. He ought to be shut up in a small room with a dozen parrots and half a dozen veteran barbers. Twenty-four hours of this would be quite enough. At the end of that time Mr. COOPER'S remains could be given to some medical college. The parrots and the barbers would be left a few hours longer to emulate the excellent example of the Kilkenny cats, and the scheme of educating parrots be thus signally frustrated, to the great good of the nation and of mankind.

HelloIAmYourHeart
Dec 29, 2008
Fallen Rib

Gorilla Salad posted:

They will also lie.

I had a friend whose father owned a cockatoo and its second favourite thing in the world was getting its head scratched by strangers.

Its very favourite thing was luring hesitant strangers in to scratch its head by saying, "No bite! Happy!" and lean its head towards them until it was almost sideways and make some very gentle bobbing motions until the person got the courage to scratch it.

And then it would bite them.

This reminds me of a trip I took to a pet store with my dad when I was very little. A cockatoo was sitting quietly on top of a cage until he walked past, when it jumped onto his shoulder and bit his ear. Totally unprovoked. We had to go home because it wouldn't stop bleeding.

Nuebot
Feb 18, 2013

The developer of Brigador is a secret chud, don't give him money

snucky posted:

i live on oahu and watching tourists get plowed on beaches has been a great pastime for decades. i highly recommened sandies (i think offically called 'sandy beach park'). notorious shore break that will piledrive the poo poo out of you even when you're paying attention. i believe the current stats this year are 1 fresh parapalegic every 3 weeks.

Tourists find new and amazing ways to bewilder me. Just the other day I was out on a beach with some friends and there's a family all just on their phones while their kid walks out further and further on the rocks. By the time we left he was playing on the memorial marker left for someone else who died in the waters on that same drat spot.

HelloIAmYourHeart posted:

This reminds me of a trip I took to a pet store with my dad when I was very little. A cockatoo was sitting quietly on top of a cage until he walked past, when it jumped onto his shoulder and bit his ear. Totally unprovoked. We had to go home because it wouldn't stop bleeding.

This sounds about right. I know a guy with a conure and he always gets upset that I hate the little monster. If I don't keep my eye on it at all times it will try to quietly climb around his house like a feathery ninja just so it can try, again, to eat my fingers.

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.
People who own birds as pets are the worst. They're so much worse than cat people.

im pooping!
Nov 17, 2006


What if you live in Mongolia and your pet bird is a golden eagle, and its diet consists of small wild cats?

Grey Fox
Jan 5, 2004

https://twitter.com/LPDonovan/status/784031314399887360

Solice Kirsk
Jun 1, 2004

.

im pooping! posted:

What if you live in Mongolia and your pet bird is a golden eagle, and its diet consists of small wild cats?

Those aren't pets. Don't they use them for hunting?

spog
Aug 7, 2004

It's your own bloody fault.
It's been an odd sort of a day for schadenfreude news:


Politician demonstrates how classy his party is by getting knocked the gently caress out at a party conference
http://metro.co.uk/2016/10/06/ukip-leadership-favourite-steven-woolfe-collapses-at-european-parliament-6175325/


Young lady demonstrates why a firm grip and a flared base is important
http://metro.co.uk/2016/10/06/student-got-vibrator-stuck-up-her-backside-during-sex-with-boyfriend-6174685/

Draven
May 6, 2005

friendship is magic
Birds are awesome. My father in law has an African Grey that will start barking to get the dogs going and then laughs about it.

He also gets a kick when the kids get in trouble. He'll knock over full cups and try to blame them.

Like I said, birds are assholes awesome.

Bart Fargo
Mar 24, 2005

Il Raggio Infernale


This completely breaks my heart. That poor dog. :(

Bonster
Mar 3, 2007

Keep rolling, rolling
My parakeet loved to throw food down to the dog. She would drag pieces of toast and fruit to the edge of the cage, throw them off the top (the food was on the top and she was out), then watch as the dog came and ate it. Then she would do a little bobbing dance an go find another piece of food. She and the dog had a great relationship.

She would do this regardless of whether the other bird was still eating or not. She would be dragging food to the edge and he would be running after, trying to grab bites before it was gone forever.

moist turtleneck
Jul 17, 2003

Represent.



Dinosaur Gum

HelloIAmYourHeart posted:

This reminds me of a trip I took to a pet store with my dad when I was very little. A cockatoo was sitting quietly on top of a cage until he walked past, when it jumped onto his shoulder and bit his ear. Totally unprovoked. We had to go home because it wouldn't stop bleeding.

The same thing happened to my uncle but with a monkey

Cythereal
Nov 8, 2009

I love the potoo,
and the potoo loves you.

Bonster posted:

My parakeet loved to throw food down to the dog. She would drag pieces of toast and fruit to the edge of the cage, throw them off the top (the food was on the top and she was out), then watch as the dog came and ate it. Then she would do a little bobbing dance an go find another piece of food. She and the dog had a great relationship.

She would do this regardless of whether the other bird was still eating or not. She would be dragging food to the edge and he would be running after, trying to grab bites before it was gone forever.

The bird thread in PI has convinced me that parrots and other pet birds are adorable and that I would never, ever want to own one. The gif of the cockatoo screaming at the barn owl originally came from there.

Bonster
Mar 3, 2007

Keep rolling, rolling
They are enormously challenging sometimes, extremely messy, destructive and loud. They're also very personable, charming and full of personality. They are definitely not a pet for everyone.

Mierenneuker
Apr 28, 2010


We're all going to experience changes in our life but only the best of us will qualify for front row seats.


I'm not sure that it's a good idea to get a story like that published when you are a student teacher. Future schadenfreude I guess.

CAPTAIN CAPSLOCK
Sep 11, 2001



Gorilla Salad posted:

They really are like toddlers, but evil. Cute. But evil.

Every year we have flocks of cockatoos go past like feathery booozed up bikie gangs. They love the huge pine trees in the area, not just for the food, but because if you drop a pine cone from a height of twenty metres onto a car it makes a really funny noise. To cockatoos.

To everyone else, it's hundreds in repair bills. So people know to move their cars well away from any pine trees for safety.

But this doesn't stop the bastards. They actually pull the pine cones off the tree and then fly, sometimes several blocks, until they find something they can drop it on that looks like it'll make a big boom.

Even if you can't hear the original impact, the sounds of all the other cockatoos cheering from the trees lets you know some poor bastard nearby just got their car roof dented.

That owns :parrot:

e:

Gorilla Salad posted:

They will also lie.

I had a friend whose father owned a cockatoo and its second favourite thing in the world was getting its head scratched by strangers.

Its very favourite thing was luring hesitant strangers in to scratch its head by saying, "No bite! Happy!" and lean its head towards them until it was almost sideways and make some very gentle bobbing motions until the person got the courage to scratch it.

And then it would bite them.

Silentgoldfish
Nov 5, 2008

How the hell does that get into the news? I work Emergency and literally everyone I know (including me) has multiple stories about patients who stuck things up their butts and had to go to hospital. It's up there with having a news story about how a guy broke his arm that one time.

Azhais
Feb 5, 2007
Switchblade Switcharoo

Silentgoldfish posted:

How the hell does that get into the news? I work Emergency and literally everyone I know (including me) has multiple stories about patients who stuck things up their butts and had to go to hospital. It's up there with having a news story about how a guy broke his arm that one time.

Because she's British hot and posed for pictures holding a big dildo

Popoto
Oct 21, 2012

miaow

HelloIAmYourHeart posted:

This reminds me of a trip I took to a pet store with my dad when I was very little. A cockatoo was sitting quietly on top of a cage until he walked past, when it jumped onto his shoulder and bit his ear. Totally unprovoked. We had to go home because it wouldn't stop bleeding.

Your dad basically got roughed up by a Max Sec prisoner.

Outrail
Jan 4, 2009

www.sapphicrobotica.com
:roboluv: :love: :roboluv:

Azhais posted:

Because she's British hot and posed for pictures holding a big dildo

Why the gently caress would you pose for photos for that story unless you work for some sort of sex shop or porn site? It's going to bite you in the rear end later. Wtf.

Also, 'I don't know where it went, I though he hid it' yeah right, he railed you in the rear end with a dildo and lost it up there. Unless you both were really that drunk I guess.

ninjahedgehog
Feb 17, 2011

It's time to kick the tires and light the fires, Big Bird.



Wow, he really went out of his way to avoid telling them who to actually vote for.

Sulla Faex
May 14, 2010

No man ever did me so much good, or enemy so much harm, but I repaid him with ENDLESS SHITPOSTING

Outrail posted:

Why the gently caress would you pose for photos for that story unless you work for some sort of sex shop or porn site? It's going to bite you in the rear end later. Wtf.

Also, 'I don't know where it went, I though he hid it' yeah right, he railed you in the rear end with a dildo and lost it up there. Unless you both were really that drunk I guess.

The tabloid would have paid her a bunch of money and there is no end of people willing to 'debase' themselves for money or to get their face in the news. She might also not be as hung up about sex as your average goon.

trickybiscuits
Jan 13, 2008

yospos
A friend of mine saved two baby racing pigeons that had been abandoned by their parents. A hawk got one of them (the nicer one), but she still has the crabby one who bites people when it is stressed out and stands on people's heads as a display of dominance. It bit me over the weekend when she had a bunch of friends over.

On the other hand her ex-boyfriend used to let the birds sleep in his beard when they were little and it was hilarious. (His beard was very big and fluffy.)

That's my bird story, thanks for reading.

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Mierenneuker
Apr 28, 2010


We're all going to experience changes in our life but only the best of us will qualify for front row seats.

Sulla-Marius 88 posted:

The tabloid would have paid her a bunch of money and there is no end of people willing to 'debase' themselves for money or to get their face in the news. She might also not be as hung up about sex as your average goon.

It's not about people get hung up on sex, it's more that an article like that can lead to you never being taken seriously. Again, "student teacher". If that's secondary school, well, better find a different profession because teenagers would be savage about a thing like that.

I knew one student teacher who appeared on television dating show called Take Me Out. None of the female contestants wanted to go out with them (and the way the show works is that there are like thirty of them) and they edited his entire appearance to make him look like the saddest, most oblivious guy on Earth. If he hadn't dropped out at the end of the the first year it would have kept haunting him throughout his career.

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