Ride The Gravitron posted:

quote:

Sitting in the kitchen in the evening, Harry was verbally cruel. At that time I knew all about the Asperger’s arrogance and uncontrollable urge to belittle anyone who didn’t have his special knowledge and didn’t share his opinions. It was exposed to me almost every day and I had trained myself not to pay attention because it was too stressful for me. But this time he was unusually verbally cruel. He did not respond to my requests to stop, but increased the cruel verbal abuses. I was exhausted and despaired…

Smash. He struck me violently. I lay on the kitchen floor and bled. He kept beating me hard. At every stroke he shouted furiously: ‘I’ve never hit you, I’ve never hit you, I’ve never hit you.’ I was terrified. He went on and on; I couldn’t move. He did not stop beating me, until I begged: ‘It is my fault, pleeease forgive me.’ I called our friend; the only person who knew the truth. I was stunned how he spoke with such control and so friendly on the phone as if nothing had happened. … He never apologized after the violent abuse. He never expressed any remorse.”

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He barely notices I am gone, is healthy and still calls me his wife, even though I am no longer. He calls to ask me to do his laundry and never once said he missed me. He is on a robotic myopic mission he calls life. Nothing has changed really. I, however, have lost all my friends and social support, have chronic illness and a nervous disorder and may well lose my house because of the financial ineptness of the person who was supposed to be my partner in a relationship. The deprivation of basic human needs was NEVER on the table for the AS person, as the NT does the bulk of the basics in the home and oft times at work as well, and almost certainly with the children. Yet the NT person could be on the floor dying or in labour and the AS individual would walk over them to get to get to the computer. Where were my human rights in that marriage? We are the housekeepers, house maintenance, child rearers and unpaid caregivers and Mental Health workers in the home. Notice how I did not say ‘wife’ as that would mean there was a family, sharing dynamic involved, but the wife aspect was ink on a registration form for most of us.”

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He lacked empathy, and he didn’t understand why I expected him to be able to anticipate needs or intuit things. As an example, when I was pregnant with our first daughter, I was put on bed rest for the last few weeks of my pregnancy due to an inability to walk from pelvic instability. I had no friends where we lived as I hadn’t lived there very long. I was, therefore, unable to go to the kitchen and prepare food. I would have to sort of slither up the hall on my side to make it to the bathroom. I literally could not walk or stand. I was famished when he would get home. He was never able to remember that I was home and unable to meet my needs. One evening, he came home with food and ate in front of me. He didn’t ask how I was, talk to me, or even engage. He just sat there, glazed over, and ate his food while playing computer games. He rarely greeted me. I was so frustrated and angry. He looked at me with wide-eyed innocence and asked, ‘What’s wrong with you?’ Pregnant wife on bed rest unable to walk? He just didn’t get it or understand why that had anything to do with him or why he had any responsibility there. It bewildered him. That is, however, a typical interaction. It has played out over and over again in different contexts over the years.”

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My husband was diagnosed with Asperger’s a little over a year ago. We have been married almost 37 years and the stress and sacrifice of dealing 24/7 with a man/child has cost me my health, my job, college, and my sanity. While dating, I thought he was just quirky and shy. He made me believe we were on the same page about the future. After marriage, he lost interest in sex after three or four weeks and made it clear he did not want children. I always loved to travel but he refused to go anywhere. In my area, a wife just did not travel without her husband, and if she did the gossip was terrible. After moving to our current home 30 years ago, he refused to move to another state, city or house. Now I am disabled in a non-accessible house and my life is a living hell. An outsider looking in would see a man who is very smart, emotionally flat and likes to tell funny stories. Most people like him. The outsider would probably feel sorry for him for having a fat, handicapped, angry and terrified wife and have no idea that when she married him she was pretty, healthy, fit, smart and people often commented on her beautiful smile. He took all of these things from me. I did not realize what was happening to me because I loved him. It was like a slow leak that you don’t recognize until it is too late. If you are willing to give up your every hope, dream, and ambition for someone who is unable or unwilling to be a partner in your marriage and does not appreciate you or your sacrifice, then a life with an Aspie spouse is for you. If I had known what I was getting into, I would never have gone on the first date. You also need to consider this–what if YOU become seriously ill and need to lean on him? It’s like leaning on a five-year-old child who has equal control of your finances. My home is a bio-hazard because I am no longer physically able to clean, he is unwilling to clean and refuses to allow me to hire someone to help. If you are considering marriage with an Asburger’s person, my recommendation, after having lived it for these many years, is to RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION! Marriage is hard enough without having one of the partners emotionally stunted and having no common sense.”

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I work as a counselor and have a degree in psychology but have missed some obvious and terribly painful and isolating patterns. The things that attracted me to my partner of 23 years were his high intelligence and his childlike way of seeing things. He teachers IT and has two masters degrees. The behaviors have slowly worn me down all seem to have to do with his inability to read or express care or emotional warmth. He has often stood away from me and lectured me, become angry or ignored me. When someone with reasonable emotional intelligence would respond differently. I am leaving the relationship. It has taken me two years to leave and try to shed the guilt I feel in not being loyal to my own values. It will sound dramatic, but those of you in the same position will understand, if I stay I may as well be in prison. I too get tired of all those people saying how interesting, gifted, talented, and special people with aspergers are. I’m sure they are in many situations. However, it simply does not work if you want an intimate and warm relationship. I respect other women out there who have laid it on the line, you have given me courage and empathy.

100 degrees Calcium posted:

Are these just horror stories from spouses of people on the spectrum?

quote:

My [25f] husband [26m] has received inappropriate messages from girl [22?f] but won't unfriend or block her?
Hey guys, used a throwaway account for this one. Basically for the past 2 months or so, maybe less, I've been on edge about a girl that keeps messaging my husband. A while back she started following him on instagram and liking all his pictures (totally fine, doesn't bother me at all) but then she finds him on Facebook and friends him on there too (once again totally fine I don't have an issue with that). Then she started messaging him on instagram. He accidentally liked a picture of hers and then instantly unliked it and she messaged him saying "did you really just like then unlike my picture" (and again not a big deal) BUT they got talking and she told him of some good restaurants to go to and they just had a normal conversation THEN she started asking about me (I'm currently unemployed) and she started talking down about me, saying it must be really tough on him and how she's got this really great job and she'd hate to have to pay for someone else (I don't know if my husband replied to that or not) THEN the next day she sends him a message along the lines of "hey baby, how's your day going cutie". My husband didn't reply as he thought it was weird. She then messaged him again telling him about her day but being inappropriate, the message was along the lines of "I've had a bit of a hard day, had to go to the doctors again, but that's what happens when your childhood is being abused by your stepdad whilst your mum lets him". Again my husband was like wtf and just left it and didn't reply.
Me and my husband went on vacation and she sent him another message saying "hey baby, hope you have a good time, you deserve it" by which point I said come on, delete her now she's being inappropriate, to which my husband just shook it off and said she wasn't causing any harm and blocking her etc would cause unnecessary drama. So like an idiot I left it.
She then continued to like all his pics throughout the rest of time after that. I didn't hear about anymore messages and I thought it had all died down. BUT THEN my husband got drunk the other night and told me she randomly sent him a nude photo. Well, I hit the roof. For the past month or so I had asked him to unfriendly her etc but he said no and then being told he's now seen her completely naked just really screwed with my head. He said he didn't respond to the picture and just ignored it. I wasn't born yesterday. From the moment she started talking to him I knew she had a vendetta and I told him this. I even told my friend and she told me horror stories of how this girl loves splitting up relationships and she's ruined a lot of people's in the area. I told my husband this. Still he won't block her.
Now my husband isn't the type to do anything untoward. When girls flirt with him he doesn't realise it's flirting and he just thinks they're being nice. So I'm so confused. I have no idea what to do. I've told him that until he blocks the girl I'm going to assume he's done something against me and the girl is going to think that he's okay with receiving pictures (OH FYI she has a boyfriend too just to top it off)
This morning he's unfollowed her on instagram because I said I was at my limit but when I said he needed to block her so she couldn't see his page/message him again he wouldn't do it. If this was the other way around he would be screaming at me for me to block them and I'd do it because hell, I don't wanna upset my husband or have unnecessary contact with someone that's clearly not respecting of the fact I'm in a relationship and albeit a lil cray cray.
So please someone just tell me what to do. I had it in my head to maybe sneak on his instagram and just block her myself but I'm not like that, I don't like going on his phone or anything, I'd be pissed if he went on mine sooo.
TLDR: my husband has been receiving inappropriate messages and pictures from a girl online but he won't block her and would rather I got upset

WampaLord posted:

No, they're a stunning take down of Pick's concept of what she thinks a manchild is.

Panfilo posted:

I wonder if some of these childfree people simply can't bear the idea of having to care for another human being for any reason whatsoever. They'll get in relationships with other childfree people but the mutual understanding is that each looks after themselves.

Something tells me someone with these attitudes wouldn't be very keen on caring for a disabled or elderly family member either.

100 degrees Calcium posted:

Are these just horror stories from spouses of people on the spectrum?

Ride The Gravitron posted:

I was expecting more "boyfriend of 2 months cries because he wants a motorcycle and less "my spouse's mental illness is destroying me"

100 degrees Calcium posted:

What are you even trying to convey, Pick?

Pearnicious posted:

Yes.

Because men are awful and mental disease isn't real. Autism is just a manchild being lazy.

Guarantee she won't post a man's side of a relationship with an autistic woman.

Mirthless posted:

"don't date mentally ill people" but she's framing it as manchildren because she doesn't want to sound ableist

Pick posted:

Autistic women tend to present differently, but they often stop having sex immediately after marriage or immediately after childbirth so there's a lot of stories in here that make that probable or a reasonable suspicion.

LethalGeek posted:

I[28m] told my close friends[28f] [27m] [29m] [31f] that I paid roughly $11,000 for a dating coach[33m], now they make fun of me behind my back and have lost respect for me.
.

Pick posted:

Autistic women tend to present differently, but they often stop having sex immediately after marriage or immediately after childbirth so there's a lot of stories in here that make that probable or a reasonable suspicion.

remigious posted:

To be fair, if you are a woman that is dating in portland, these loving tech job manchildren are a real epidemic and it is frustrating as hell.

remigious posted:

To be fair, if you are a woman that is dating in portland, these loving tech job manchildren are a real epidemic and it is frustrating as hell.

WampaLord posted:

Sure but there's a whole world of difference between "techie manchild rear end" and "is on the spectrum and is actively abusive."

100 degrees Calcium posted:

I assumed we were making a distinction between people who choose not to have children and people who call themselves "childfree."

Mirthless posted:

uh wow

A big part of why my wife and i chose to not have kids is so we could take better care of each other without the distraction of a child we didn't really want or need

My spouse and I are both disabled. I work full time and am the primary breadwinner and support her. I also took care of her disabled parents for an extended period of time a few years ago. It turns out I am capable of this human emotion called compassion despite not having the desire to reproduce. Who knew?

Maybe you should be less judgemental of other people's life choices. This is a lot of why childfree people are so militant - you are so unbelievably insulting and belittling to other people for choosing to not make the same major life decisions as you.

Pick posted:

Dude you live in portland? We should hang out sometime.

Spaced God posted:

I know it's completely irrelevant, but I love how loving dumb this title formating is that he included the age of the dating coach

Barudak posted:

Im not reading that guys long winded defense of himself because he spent $11,000 on a dating coach.

Unless i ddint see it in the article and his dating coach was Will Smith in which case lead with that.

Aerox posted:

Silly autism derail aside, why was the response to Pick initially saying she personally didn't like manchildren an accusation that she must be totally cool with wifebeaters? What is even happening in this thread anymore?

remigious posted:

I moved to Colorado last year

Aerox posted:

Silly autism derail aside, why was the response to Pick initially saying she personally didn't like manchildren an accusation that she must be totally cool with wifebeaters? What is even happening in this thread anymore?

Barudak posted:

Im not reading that guys long winded defense of himself because he spent $11,000 on a dating coach.

Unless i ddint see it in the article and his dating coach was Will Smith in which case lead with that.

Pick posted:

awww dang it

But yeah, I dated one guy who got on my rear end about losing weight because he found out I was 122 lbs and "no adult woman should be over 120lbs".

I'm 5'8".