quote:

My husband (32M) is insisting that "we" impregnate his friend after finding I (32F) am unable to conceive Relationships
1,375 points 467 comments submitted 1 year ago by doctormcpuffy to /r/relationships

I am honestly in a bit of shock after everything that has transpired in the past 24 hours and need some unbiased opinions to get me through.

A little background, my SO and I have been married for four years and together for seven. He is a civil engineer who is more so ambivalent to his career, his real passion lies in his hobbies, our relationship, and his friends. I am an emergency medicine doctor and this is my passion. I love my husband, my friends, and I have hobbies but my work is my absolute passion. Becoming a doctor was my dream since I was 12 and I have made it a reality.

Now my issue, about 14 months ago my husband was pushing me to get pregnant, he wanted a baby. I honestly did not, I was finally hitting my stride at work, we just bought our first condo together, and weren't living a really friendly kid life. I did not tell him this, mostly because I was a coward and we had never really disagreed before, so I kept my mouth shut and decided it wouldn't be a huge sacrifice to have a baby. I could make it work.

We got pregnant. I was miserable, pregnancy did not suit me and I wanted it to be over. I felt disconnected from everything, especially my pregnancy, and sought out therapy. My therapist told me that I was holding resentment against this baby as I was in a great spot in my career and was more worried about that then my unborn child. She was right. I worked on this and towards month six I was really excited to have this baby. My husband and I were in a better place (my resentment and attitude really hurt our relationship during this time). Everything was going well, until it wasn't. Around seven months in our baby was born as a stillbirth and I had some horrible complications which have caused my chances at ever getting pregnant at an incredibly low percent. I know that I am never getting pregnant.


After the initial shock, recovering from the physical trauma and the emotional trauma, I won't lie but I felt relieved. Massive relief. I didn't want to be a mother then, and I will down the road but I am a firm believer that this was just not meant to be. My husband took this harder, but with some therapy on both our ends. We seemed to be in a good spot...until last night.

Last night my husband approached me, he said that he really wants us to have a kid and "forgives" me for losing our son. He knows that I cannot conceive, but reminded me that he is more than capable. I had to remind him that we have no options, if we want a baby then we need to look into adoption or getting donated eggs and going the surrogacy route, and right now we aren't in a financial position for either.

Then he asked what if there was another way? Naturally I asked, what? He told me that there was a woman at work that he has known for several years, apparently she knows about ALL of our marital problems and knows ALL about my health issues over the past year. He said that they recently went to drinks together (I was on an overnight shift) and after a few drinks she offered to not only donate eggs, but to be our surrogate. This seems too good to be true right? Yep.

She will ONLY do this if my husband impregnates her the natural way. Having sex with her during her ovulation period until she gets pregnant. I was baffled by this. First, he was considering it and seemed genuinely excited for this. Second, that this woman would offer such a thing without ever having met me. And finally, that he had shared such intimate details with her. He said that he then followed up with her when they were both sober via text and she responded "Oh, I would love to have your baby!"

This seems odd to me and I question the mental stability of this woman. But then my husbands entire demeanor shocks me. I told him I wasn't sure about this, if we go the surrogate route I would prefer it be all anonymous and our surrogate be a stranger. I don't want this getting messy or having to worry about running into the egg donor. Instead of seeing the validity of my opinions he told me that having a baby with him was non-negotiable. That this "friend" wants to help us, he wouldn't mind doing it her way, and it would be the most cost efficient since we just discussed how cannot afford it at this time. He told me that if I love him and want a baby, then I will do this for him.
I tried to explain to him that I am not sure if I am ready for this, and that I don't know if I am comfortable with all of this. Especially with him sleeping with someone else. He brushed that off, telling me that it is "no big deal" if he were to sleep with her and that I am overreacting. That he has stood by while I got my dream and he was left alone/ignored (I never knew he felt this way) and that I owed it to him to let him do this. Today I looked up this woman on Facebook, and she is VERY attractive. I would say that my husband and I are both average looking but she is definitely striking, which makes my anxiety go even higher. Why do this for us? I don't get what she gets out of this.
Am I overreacting? This seems completely bizarre for me and I am questioning everything in our relationship, what should I do?

tl;dr: Lost our baby last year, husband wants to knock up some work friend since I can no longer conceive, making me feel guilty because I think it is weird.

Pick posted:

logic

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butt also :redants:

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Antivehicular posted:

I'm trying to figure out what the bigger is there -- that this dude is being all magnanimous about "forgiving" her for a traumatic stillbirth, or that he came up with this plan over drinks and oversharing with an attractive work friend she doesn't know.

Pick posted:

logic

Pick posted:

quote:

I dont know anymore... Since my last and first breakup i have been Ever since sad and unfulliled. I still feel rumination, regret and guilt for my relationship and i feel fcked it up. I feel that I could have done and behaved better and tried more and etc. It was my first relationship but dont wanna make it an excuse. It was her 3rd or 4th, dont remember.

Eventhough we were together for 4,5 months it IS still quite devastating and i feel AS failure AS If i dont deserve anyone, deep i know and very obnoxious. Things arent better AT School because i have to see her everyday basically and i can see she is AT peace and has moved on since Im sure she did her best to save the relationship, but i dwell and am self-critic for feeling that I had withdrawing behavior and did not give my best to try save the relationship and could have tried more and give her more determination and be with her more. Sadly to say our bed life wasnt excellent(my erection issues) and instead of trying to fix it i withdrawed out of embarrasament and fear of it and it Made me unmanly and that IS also a thing i dwell for not turning more focus to Fix and instead i watched porn and jerked off( try to get rid of it).

Anyway all those feelings Are holding me back to move on and i just want to be happy with myself but it IS hard i have to say. Now i just hook up girls with who i dont have any feelings, no emotions, no likeness, just to *prove myself and deal with my sex issues hindsight as i have learned my lesson on that. In the past i didnt mind being single but now i dont like being single i dont know why, i dont know if i miss her, If i miss the idea of her and a relationship. I just want to move on, feel love and Bond new and better relationship but i feel stuck. Thinking back about the memories it IS painful yet it IS been quite a king time.

Tl;dr Dont know how to move on and feel Free again from past relationship and feeling stuck. Any advice If some of you have been in sort of Same situation Will be grateful. I know Im young but these kind of experiences Are draining :/.

quote:

My partner and I met online 3 years ago, and have been renting an apartment together for 18 months. He works in the city, which is a 2-hour commute one way, and only graduated from university last year so is still adjusting to working life. I'm a student at the university in our town, and sell homemade porn to make ends meet. I also have a physical disability which makes me get tired faster than normal people (like falling over and having no choice about falling asleep on the floor tired), and causes me a lot of muscle pain.

Last night it got pretty bad. I have exams and coursework deadlines this week, so I'm exhausted, and have pulled a few all-nighters to fit revision in. We have an inspection from our rental agency today, which could be make or break (we have no money to move and won't find another apartment this cheap), so I've spent the last week cleaning and tidying frantically because he lives in filth. I literally cannot remember the last time he cleaned something that wasn't a dish, and he's always being careless with his things so I'd had a lot of odd jobs to do like re-painting windowsills he's got stains on and scrubbing the carpet etc.

I had a horrible day yesterday and told him about it, asking for a little support because I'm struggling mentally and physically. As ever, he was verbally there with me and said he had my back, then did sweet FA to actually help as soon as the conservation ended. He asked me to make his favourite for dinner, and I did, even though it took 90 minutes, because (stupidly, in retrospect) I felt like I owed him one for supporting me. Nontheless, I made it because I wanted him to be happy, and he didn't even say "thank you" or offer to help with anything.

I've only recently realised this, but he doesn't like being around me when I'm cleaning/working. When he gets home from work, he expects me to be ready to spend time with him, free of my work, and to have ingredients in ready to make dinner. If I haven't done that, he makes me buy takeout for us. I don't know when this became my job. If housework isn't done when he gets home, he will come and sit by me as I'm doing it and stare at his phone, complaining that I'm not spending enough time with him. But when I drop the important things to "spend time with" him, he only wants to stare at his laptop. I get that there is value in being "alone together", but if I'm constantly sacrificing my time at a later date ('cause those jobs are gonna get done tomorrow when I'm supposed to be at uni), just to sit with him, is it really fair??

Last night I calmly brought up that I was feeling under-appreciated, and he blew up at me. Started screaming that his life is so much harder than mine and that's why it isn't his job to do any of those things. Granted, I understand to some extent that more of the housework should fall on me, but why is it always all? I'm constantly there for him when he gets home, even as I clean, asking him about his day and trying to understand his emotions. He also kept screaming that he's out of the house for 12 hours a day, which is really hard, and why should he have to do anything at home when he gets in. I would appreciate this more if he didn't absolutely love his job, and fill his 2-hour commutes on a relatively cushy train watching netflix and reading. I'm not saying it isn't tiring, but I really didn't appreciate the comparison of the work we both do or think one is harder than the other.

Anyway, I came away from that so upset and hurt. Eventually he stopped screaming and broke down, saying that he needs me and begging me not to go, but it was a little scary and felt like he'd avoided the point by doing that so soon after yelling at me and throwing things.
What do I do, Reddit?

tl;dr: Boyfriend doesn't value my work around the house and refuses to help out, citing his work as being much more difficult than mine. I'm having a rough week and feel that my additional emotional and physical labour is not being valued. I want to know if I'm being unreasonable or should leave.

Mirthless posted:

She said that she has never been hit on.

I've never known a woman who didn't get at least flirted with on a fairly regular basis, regardless of their physical appearance or demeanor. I feel like she's just gotta be missing the signals.

quote:

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r/relationshipsNon-Romantic

An rear end in a top hat coworker [?M] sent my [36F] husband [39M] an inflammatory text during a work even. Now he's threatening leaving me.

u/Workpartythrowaway779h

There was an after work event this week. A coworker was leaving for another job and we were going out for light food and drinks. I don't drink btw. I didn't give my husband details because he usually doesn't ask nor appear to care that I attend these occasional outings which usually end by 6-7pm.

Here's kind of a text log to get an understanding of what happened.

Husband 6pm: You have that thing tonight right? Need dinner after?

Me: Should be out of there by 8 and fed, no worries about dinner. Times are estimates.

Husband: Ok.

Note the following I didn't see until the train ride home at around 11pm.

Husband 930pm: Hey baby, everything ok? What's your status

Husband 1005pm: All good?

Husband 1030: Hey, give me a ping getting worried.

Me 1033 (sent by rear end in a top hat coworker): Hey buddy, chill the gently caress out. She's in really good hands, I can assure you .

I left my phone at the table and rear end in a top hat coworker took it upon his drunk self to send that text. Yup my iPhone 4s is not password protected. I didn't see any of my husbands texts because his notifications had been cleared when rear end in a top hat coworker opened up messages. I saw it as soon as I got in the train and texted him immediately.

Me 1105: Babe, sorry that was not me! See you when I get home.

No response from husband.

When I get home he is in bed, I give him a kiss on the cheek and he doesn't reciprocate. I ask him what's wrong and he says he doesn't want to talk because he's afraid he'd say something he regrets.

The next day was totally ghosting. He finally approaches me tonight and says that he felt extremely disrespected and is suspicious of my inattention. He said he wasn't keeping tabs on me but making sure I way okay since most of these wrap up by mid evening.

I profusely apologized and tried to defuse. He wasn't all that receptive. He said he's not sure what to think. He had total trust in me but thinks something nefarious must have been happening for this guy to have my phone and feel bold enough to send that text. Him and I, back and forth, no improvement.

He finally dropped a serious bomb. He says he doesn't know what to think. But he said that if there's any hope of him believing this was as I say (as actually happened) that I can't be in his words "the same loving room with that fucker". No after work events, if there's a work meeting he wants me to notify HR that there's a personal conflict. He's heated and said if I can't meet these demands then I can either look for another job or a new husband, my choice.

Everything is happening so fast. I know he's over reacting, but he does have his reasons. I have bitched out the rear end in a top hat coworker. Told him off and told him if he touched anything that belongs to me again I'm going straight to the police. What my husband is demanding is not practical.

I guess I'm asking if I should risk waiting this out for cooler heads to prevail. Or meet my husbands demands. Or if there's something I can do otherwise. I am pretty sure he thinks something happened that night. I think if he was assured it is what I say it is he'd move past it, but I can see from his perspective it looks like poo poo.

Tl;dr: Out at a work function, running late. Husband was trying to get ahold of me to no avail. A coworker picked up on this and used my phone to send husband a text that seemed as if I was dissing him at the least, loving around on him at the most. Need advice on how to proceed.

Themata posted:

This sums up my feeling:

Ride The Gravitron posted:

She's getting torn into in the comments. Everyone is saying her story doesn't add up and she's leaving out details

54 40 or gently caress posted:

But really she said she'd be out of there by 8 and he starts texting her at 9:30 just to see. I'd do the same (not threaten divorce but I'd be pissed). If you're going to be later have the courtesy to let your partner know just so they know you're safe. It doesn't add up if you think about it

quote:

Everything is happening so fast. I know he's over reacting, but he does have his reasons.

quote:

I have bitched out the rear end in a top hat coworker. Told him off and told him if he touched anything that belongs to me again I'm going straight to the police. What my husband is demanding is not practical.

sassassin posted:

You don't have to be drunk to have fun and lose track of time with friends/co-workers.

Ride The Gravitron posted:

O lose track of time easily so I was willing to believe it but after I read the comments I grew skeptical. How are you on Facebook but don't see you are late and don't see your husband's texts. Why does this dude feel comfortable enough to go through her phone? Why would you see such a horrible message like that sent from your phone and just be so nonchalant about it.

If the husband has posted that with a "this is what my wife says happened" every one would be encouraging him to file for divorce

sassassin posted:

You don't have to be drunk to have fun and lose track of time with friends/co-workers.

Gerblyn posted:

Assuming she's telling truth, would HR do anything? "This man sent a message from my phone that implies I'm having an affair with him, and my husband is threatening divorce" seems like something HR would listen to, especially if it happened at a work related outing. I've never worked in a company with a proper HR department, so I'm not sure how they function.

Mirthless posted:

It depends on the company. Some places won't do anything about anything that happens after hours that isn't a criminal matter. But if it's a rigid enough office, she could absolutely go to HR about this, and absolutely get him fired if it was serious enough.

If she's actually loving this guy and there is even a single person in her office aware of it, though, that trip to HR will end with her going home with her poo poo in a box to a home that is about to be empty.

Lunchmeat Larry posted:

At an after work event presumably organised by the company (in at least a semi-official capacity?), I dunno. Those things are at least 50% honeypots to bait out lovely employees' shittiness and fire them

Ride The Gravitron posted:

At the very least she needs to go to hr to start a paper trail and regain her husband's trust. She's not, probably because she's protecting him because the dick is good

Gerblyn posted:

Assuming she's telling truth, would HR do anything? "This man sent a message from my phone that implies I'm having an affair with him, and my husband is threatening divorce" seems like something HR would listen to, especially if it happened at a work related outing. I've never worked in a company with a proper HR department, so I'm not sure how they function.

ArbitraryC posted:

She says she didn't want him to fight the two dudes with a knife (or maybe more) so what did she want him to do? Had he not run best case scenario is that everything happens the same way it did except they both lose their stuff. If things were going to get violent then it'd just be two victims instead of one.