Ensign Expendable posted:

Even better, £3000.

ArbitraryC posted:

If you're making like 100k and saving a fuckton of it since you're mid 20's you'd be surprised at how quickly you could retire. 3 dollars isn't gonna make a difference in that but on the flipside the vaste majority of americans are living pay check to paycheck in debt so there are worse problems to have.

Pick posted:

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

quote:

I feel plenty ready enough, but he is having reservations. When is the right time to cross streams? Our bathroom is a public dorm bathroom with 3 urinals, none of which are short urinals. One urinal has an extra large basin, so we will probably use that. I just wanna make sure that neither of us feel pressured when we finally do it. Any thoughts?

tl;dr Roommate and I been together 6 months, when is it right to cross streams?

TheScott2K posted:

Pick posted:

hehe you should change your username to "thescott3K"

Moridin920 posted:

Yeah sure but something tells me this dude is going to work for as long as he possibly can because early retirement = lost opportunity to earn more money to save.

Mak0rz posted:

have you considered that maybe he wants to be one of those old retired posh guys that buys a massive yacht just to sit in it all day drinking martinis and talking to his wife condescendingly in a nasal mid-Atlantic accent while wearing a white captain's uniform, aviators, and a pink sweater around his neck?

Moridin920 posted:

Where's his mom in this scenario?

Moridin920 posted:

go on?

quote:

My (28f) husband (29m) is upset with me because I asked him to stop asking to borrow money from me. He says I am being abusive.
u/Uspofolks294d
Hey, r/relationships. Throwaway because my husband knows my main account.

So, I'm looking for some advice on how to handle the situation I'm currently in with my husband.

I'm going to try to keep this short, but I think a bit of back story may be in order, so, here goes:

I've been with my husband for 6 years total. We have twins together who will be turning 5 this year. We live in a two bedroom house that I inherited when my father died back in 2012. (So, I don't have to worry about paying rent, just property taxes and home owner's insurance.) The house is nice enough and we live comfortably on my income in our current situation. However, it's becoming more and more apparent that we need a larger place. Our kids are getting older and they need their own space. We currently have my husband's drum kit in the living room, and it's just becoming a bit cramped.

Now, I'm still very much in the process of climbing out of the hole that I dug for myself when I was younger. I'm a retail manager and I only make about 25k a year. (I'm really fortunate to make that much. I've only been with the company for two years. I advanced there fairly quickly.) I'm also currently enrolled in the nursing program at the local community college part time. I used to make some extra money by selling accessories, bags, and other things that I've made on etsy... but that money is dwindling because I simply don't have the time for projects that I used to.

My husband is a server at a privately owned restaurant and he makes minumum wage (which is actually nice... most servers make a half wage) plus tips. He works 40 hours a week, so he doesn't really make that much less than I do. However, he doesn't help out with bills at all. The only bill he pays is his own phone bill. I used to think he paid for his own car insurance, but I recently found out that his mom has been paying it for years. He mainly spends his money on pot ( which he says he needs to help his IBS) and junk. He spends very impulsively. I counted his t-shirts the other day while I was doing laundry. He has 78 t-shirts. He buys so many posters, wall flags, tapestries, etc that we have to keep some of them put up in our shed because there is literally no room on the walls for anything else. He buys toys for the kids, which is nice, but we don't have room for the ones they have. (I have given many of their old toys away, but I feel like it would be more frugal to keep their old toys instead of buying new ones all of the time.) We both switched from smoking to vaping last year. Vaping would be much cheaper, but he is always buying new setup instead of just choosing one he likes and buying juice and coils for it. He always needs a new this or that for his drum kit. He also regularly goes to concerts. He likes underground music, so the shows themselves aren't expensive, but when you add gas to drive out of town, extra pot, drinks at the bar, a meal at a restaurant, and a souvenir t-shirt or two it turns into at least $200 affair each time. There's more but this is getting long.

Now, because he's always spending his money impulsively like this, he usually finds himself broke and needing to pay his phone bill or "car insurance." (I recently deduced that "car insurance" is code for more pot.) So... he asks me for the money and I give it to him. He doesn't ever really pay it all back, and what he does pay back, he ends up borrowing again.

So, as I mentioned, I'd like to move into a larger place. I plan on renting and I'm saving up and hoping to make a comfortable move by January of next year. I had a discussion with him about this. I pointed out that I will need his help paying the bills once we make the move so he might have to cut back on his spending. He agreed and even expressed excitement. He also said that he realizes that he doesn't help out as much as he should and wanted to start giving me some money each week to help with bills. I said that I would be satisfied if he just stopped borrowing money from me for now, but I would really appreciate the help and I figured it would probably help him transition into being able to be totally self sufficient.

Well, a few weeks go by. He buys a new vape setup, stickers for his car, drumsticks, and a concert ticket. Then he came to me and asked if he could borrow some money for his "car insurance" bill. (He doesn't know that I know his mom pays it.) I said no. I reminded him of our conversation and told him that it is very important to me that we work towards that goal together.

He said that I was right and apologized. A day or two more go by. He has run out of pot. He spends a lot of the time that he is home running to the bathroom and sitting on the toilet for long periods of time, groaning. He tells me he doesn't have money for pot because he had to pay his "car insurance" bill and asks if he can please borrow a little money, he will pay me back in a few days and then things will be different. I said no. I suggested that he try to sell some of his vape setups if he needs some extra money right now.

So he starts taking pictures of a few of his setups to post on this vaping Facebook group he's in. Before he posts them he asks me again if I'm sure I can't loan him the money. I said, "No, I can't. Maybe you shouldn't have bought all that stuff if you couldn't afford to. I can't lend you money anymore and I need you to start helping with bills in the next few months. I thought I made that clear."

Well, that's when the poo poo hit the fan, folks.

It's been a few weeks since I said that and he has been emotionally distant and will barely talk to me. We still have sex, but afterwards he goes back to being distant and I find that very upsetting and confusing. When I ask him what's wrong he goes on tirades about how I am being controlling and abusive. He says he understands that he needs to make changes, but that I hurt him by talking to him in a belittling manner. He keeps calling me "self righteous" and telling me that I need to "get off my high horse." He thinks that I think I'm "better than everyone else."

I don't think that at all. Honestly, I'm a little embarrassed of my financial situation and my job. I had much higher aspirations at some point in my life. I got side-tracked. I hosed up. I know I've made a lot of mistakes... but I'm trying to improve my situation for the sake of my family. That's all I'm asking of him. I'm sorry, but I don't see how that's self righteous or condescending. I will concede that I can be a little blunt. I'm not good at sugar-coating things, and I know I have a tendency to hurt people's feelings when I don't mean to. I told him this, and I apologized for possibly being crass. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings, after all.

Well, things haven't changed at all and I'm unsure of how to proceed. I'm dreading the next time he asks me for money. I'll want to say no, but I feel like he will continue to resent me if I do. I'm afraid that things won't change and that we will be stuck in this cramped space until I've earned my degree, and that might take a few years. I would like to have another discussion with him to clarify our goals, but I guess I don't know how without hurting his feelings.

Wow, that got quite long. Sorry, guys. Thanks so much if you read all of that. I appreciate your time.

Tl;Dr: I've asked my husband to stop borrowing money from me and help out with the bills. He's withdrawn from me emotionally as a result and I don't know what to do. Need advice on how to talk to him about it without making him feel emasculated.

Edit:
I just wanted to take a minute to thank each one of you for your advice, since I'm not going to be able to reply personally to each comment. You guys have really helped me see what this situation looks like from the outside. Some things were difficult to hear, but I needed to hear them. So, thank you.

I printed out copies of all of our bills over the last year and came up with a monthly average. I will show this to him in the morning and ask him to pay 1/4 of the average I came up with every pay day (he gets paid bi-weekly) plus $50 to go into my savings account. How he reacts will determine our future together.

As I was reading through the comments last night and this morning, it occurred to me that it's almost as if I have been paying him to be married to me. This is a scary realization, because I thought he loved me. Now, I'm not so sure. I've decided that if his affection is contingent upon my providing him with a free ride, then I don't want it.

Thanks again, guys. Everything is going to work out one way or the other.

Palisader posted:

Don't marry manchildren, friends

Palisader posted:

This one is long. I'd condense it, but phone posting sucks and the whole thing is really special. I kind of cheated with my search term vape


Don't marry manchildren, friends

Pick posted:

Unfunny Poster posted:

I like that she posted that whole thing making GBS threads on Pete and how he was an abusive boyfriend etc. in her warped brain, then deleted the post when people told her she was an absolute abuser and is insanely dumb.

54 40 or gently caress posted:

It's just depressing how thankful she is to be making 25k a year
She deserves way better than that guy and I really hope she updates. She also needs to play her ace in the hole about knowing his mom pays for car insurance

Huggybear posted:

hahaha wow all you closet MRAs, jesus, reddit is an echo chamber for mouth breathing unwashed incel misogynists. Just because the neckbearded hive mind masses think she's a raging slut for traveling to hang with an old friend, ex or otherwise, doesn't make them right. You're all so wrathful even if the woman doesn't cheat. Grow the gently caress up.

Trust is the most important thing in a relationship after love and empathy. If her douchey, uncommunicative ex didn't trust her, is incapable of adult discussion/negotiation and treated her like she's a possession/cum-vessel representation of his patriarchal honour, then she is in a better place and Pete is just a loving tool. Again, grow the gently caress up, Christ.

If my girlfriend wants to hang out with her ex, more power to her. I don't automatically assume she is going to gently caress that person because she is an intelligent human with self-control and agency and values our relationship more than a passive-aggressive hate gently caress, which is 99% of cheating.

quote:

To make matters worse, I told Dave about what happened and he replied "Oh well, guess that means we can have even more fun then! ;o)" He didn't care about my relationship and my pain - he just wanted a hookup buddy and someone to get stoned with whilst he was in Amsterdam.

Now I've lost someone I love and my best friend - who I was only interested in as friends - has a different motive to me for meeting up. I feel like I've lost my partner and I've lost a best friend at the same time.

boner confessor posted:

the most depressing thing about that post to me is that he has a drum kit in the living room, but op doesn't say that he's a musician or is in a band

it's either sitting there taking up too much space or hubby plays drums for fun in the common living spaces

Huggybear posted:

hahaha wow all you closet MRAs, jesus, reddit is an echo chamber for mouth breathing unwashed incel misogynists. Just because the neckbearded hive mind masses think she's a raging slut for traveling to hang with an old friend, ex or otherwise, doesn't make them right. You're all so wrathful even if the woman doesn't cheat. Grow the gently caress up.

Trust is the most important thing in a relationship after love and empathy. If her douchey, uncommunicative ex didn't trust her, is incapable of adult discussion/negotiation and treated her like she's a possession/cum-vessel representation of his patriarchal honour, then she is in a better place and Pete is just a loving tool. Again, grow the gently caress up, Christ.

If my girlfriend wants to hang out with her ex, more power to her. I don't automatically assume she is going to gently caress that person because she is an intelligent human with self-control and agency and values our relationship more than a passive-aggressive hate gently caress, which is 99% of cheating.

Ensign Expendable posted:

I used to be like this, then I aged past 23 and realized that I made enough money to save for retirement and enjoy it at the same time instead of living on rice and shoveling it all into a dragon hoard. So I guess the solution for this guy is to grow the gently caress up.

Mirthless posted:

it's refreshing to see somebody so much wronger than me for a change

like, you get that she was going to go to another country to be with this guy for a couple of weeks, and the ex she wanted to hang out was planning to gently caress her the whole time, right? did you just not read the post?

Huggybear posted:

and that is an ironclad guarantee she would faint at/cede to his unvanquishable advances? The OP was living her life, her boyfriend and the negative replies in this thread are incredibly immature and disproportionate. Like, there was zero communication involved.

quote:

I [29M] recently moved in with my [31F] girlfriend and ever since have been noticing alot of long hairs/lint in my butt crack

Huggybear posted:

and that is an ironclad guarantee she would faint at/cede to his unvanquishable advances? The OP was living her life, her boyfriend and the negative replies in this thread are incredibly immature and disproportionate. Like, there was zero communication involved.

Yawgmoth posted:

How the gently caress do you spend $3,000 on a loving kilt.

Barudak posted:

Know a dude with a ~$5,000 kilt. It came with whatever the poo poo the scottish fannypack thing is called, comes in whatever traditional atyle is apporpriate for his bloodline, and is in terms of quality the hermes of kilts.

Mirthless posted:

She was going to amsterdam to get drunk and do drugs with her ex in a hotel room they were sharing.

Palisader posted:

This one is long. I'd condense it, but phone posting sucks and the whole thing is really special. I kind of cheated with my search term vape


Don't marry manchildren, friends