TRUMP116: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUz9xCTOPRw

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > TRUMP116: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUz9xCTOPRw

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Big Beef City: Aug 15, 2013

i'm the alternative line of nut spreads

produced specifically by and for ed balls

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:45

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 17, 2024 01:01

cumshitter: Sep 27, 2005; by Fluffdaddy

one of my grandmas freiends was this 90+ year old chinese woman who as soon as she learned i worked in anything even tangential to investments grabbed my arm with the strength of a bodybuilder and pulled me in close like she was gonna kiss me and asked me a buch of questions i didn tknow the answer to. like she knew way more than id id

"Gosh, I wish I could help you. All I can do is at least point you in the right direction. Why do you want to know?"

"Only thing I miss when I die is stahk mahket!!"

her husband was like 5 feet away

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:44

Lindsey O. Graham: Dec 31, 2016; "We're not generating enough angry white guys to stay in business for the long term."

- The Chief

Martout posted:

lol paul ryan

just lol

at paul ryan

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:45

Rushi: Jun 2, 2003; by Smythe

i don't think paul ryan is in it with the Russians cause hes too loving dumb to not be caught already

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:44

stuffed crust punk: Oct 8, 2004; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

Solarin posted:

this is as much as I know atm

https://twitter.com/JuddLegum/status/845769539426115584

mr fuckin meatball on the bottom center there is as soulless and worthy of derision of kellyanne btw, he just got less time on camera

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:44

Jazerus: May 24, 2011

Lastgirl posted:

Skywalker midichlorian eyelash game stronk

doe eyed luke makes me laugh every time

my nomination for fav. is the story where the bartender in mos eisley distills greedos corpse into whiskey

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:44

Yinlock: Oct 22, 2008

Samurai Sanders posted:

Who becomes the speaker if Ryan is kicked off?

i recommend david valadao for his recent incredible success

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:45

SpaceGoku: Jul 19, 2011

Samurai Sanders posted:

Who becomes the speaker if Ryan is kicked off?

good question

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:45

The Ol Spicy Keychain: Jan 17, 2013; I MEPHISTO MY OWN ASSHOLE

Just lmao if you haven't read ted Chiang's exhalation. Its a short story my guy. go read it

I couldn't get through starship troopers

It was like the forever war except with none of the introspection. A book by a military worshipper who was never actually in the armed forces iirc

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:46

Lindsey O. Graham: Dec 31, 2016; "We're not generating enough angry white guys to stay in business for the long term."

- The Chief

cumshitter posted:

one of my grandmas freiends was this 90+ year old chinese woman who as soon as she learned i worked in anything even tangential to investments grabbed my arm with the strength of a bodybuilder and pulled me in close like she was gonna kiss me and asked me a buch of questions i didn tknow the answer to. like she knew way more than id id

"Gosh, I wish I could help you. All I can do is at least point you in the right direction. Why do you want to know?"

"Only thing I miss when I die is stahk mahket!!"

her husband was like 5 feet away

gambling!
it's a helluva drug!

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:46

Yinlock: Oct 22, 2008

Rushi posted:

i don't think paul ryan is in it with the Russians cause hes too loving dumb to not be caught already

yeah paul ryan isnt compromised, he just lusts for the death of poors

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:46

Epic High Five: Jun 5, 2004

If ur a dude and want to get unsettled you should read The Matter of Seggri by Ursula K LeGuin

also a short story

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:47

Donkwich: Feb 28, 2011; Grimey Drawer

https://twitter.com/ObamaMalik/status/841649431510470656

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:47

mormonpartyboat: Jan 14, 2015; by Reene

Lastgirl posted:

y is maga abe inside the O-zone tho

the T spot

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:48

stuffed crust punk: Oct 8, 2004; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

Squizzle posted:

"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."

"So ... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat."

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."

the coolest thing about this was how the cash cab guy was in it

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:47

Prettz: Sep 3, 2002

quadrophrenic posted:

you absolutely do not

the unwritten golden rule of trump thread: skip to latest page and

yeah well shut up, i don't care what kids have to say

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:47

Thoatse: Feb 29, 2016; Lol said the scorpion, lmao

fart of the deal

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:47

I did a thing: Mar 23, 2017; On the chest of a barmaid in Sale, were tattooed the prices of ale. And on her behind for the sake of the blind, was the same information in braille.

Samurai Sanders posted:

Who becomes the speaker if Ryan is kicked off?

Vaping Congressman is the only answer.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duncan_D._Hunter

quote:

In February 2016, Hunter puffed on an electronic cigarette during a committee hearing, to dramatize his opposition to a proposed federal ban on such "vaping" on airplanes; however, his colleagues on the House Transportation and Infrastructure Committee approved the ban.

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:48

Harry Potter on Ice: Nov 4, 2006; IF IM NOT BITCHING ABOUT HOW SHITTY MY LIFE IS, REPORT ME FOR MY ACCOUNT HAS BEEN HIJACKED

My Linux Rig posted:

Become a striper

Someday I'm gonna be a big fish, too. Just one windfall away hmmm what's that bait on a hook over

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:48

Lastgirl: Sep 7, 1997; Good Morning!
Sunday Morning!

punchymcpunch posted:

notice its a white O

maybe theyre about ready to release bizarrobama?

ye ahm thinkn tae unbind paul frm es mortal coil

Jazerus posted:

the bartender in mos eisley distills greedos corpse into whiskey

well fk i cannae turn doon greedo bevvy, mibbe pure, mibbe shite :shrug:

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:49

Lindsey O. Graham: Dec 31, 2016; "We're not generating enough angry white guys to stay in business for the long term."

- The Chief

Solarin posted:

this is as much as I know atm

https://twitter.com/JuddLegum/status/845769539426115584

more news?! today?!

trump saga never vacations, even while trump does!

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:50

white sauce: Apr 29, 2012; by R. Guyovich

MariusLecter posted:

Can't make an comprehensive list to wow you all with how well read I am but I posted recently in another thread about

Blindsight
Forget the author lol

Decent book

Also
https://twitter.com/2020fight/status/845807785115738113

Is that a photoshop

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:49

cumshitter: Sep 27, 2005; by Fluffdaddy

My Linux Rig posted:

Become a striper

i volunteer as a candystriper and frankly i think i look pretty good

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:50

I did a thing: Mar 23, 2017; On the chest of a barmaid in Sale, were tattooed the prices of ale. And on her behind for the sake of the blind, was the same information in braille.

Lastgirl posted:

ye ahm thinkn tae unbind paul frm es mortal coil

well fk i cannae turn doon greedo bevvy, mibbe pure, mibbe shite

Qeedo, shots first. followed by beer, and you are in the clear.

Qeedo shots second, and you just hosed up lucas. you hosed up. just admit you hosed up.

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:50

The Ol Spicy Keychain: Jan 17, 2013; I MEPHISTO MY OWN ASSHOLE

Tight Booty Shorts posted:

Is that a photoshop

lol

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:50

fits my needs: Jan 1, 2011; Grimey Drawer

Tight Booty Shorts posted:

Is that a photoshop

lmao

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:51

SpaceGoku: Jul 19, 2011

Tight Booty Shorts posted:

Is that a photoshop

no, trump recently learned that lincoln was a republican and he wants to inform the rest of the world because, as I'm sure you know, hardly anyone is aware of it

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:50

mormonpartyboat: Jan 14, 2015; by Reene

Scent of Worf posted:

I couldn't get through starship troopers

It was like the forever war except with none of the introspection. A book by a military worshipper who was never actually in the armed forces iirc

there's a lot of really interesting stuff in there (most of which was almost certainly not intentional) once you assume an unreliable narrator in that hes an idiot who doesnt know or understand most of what's happening but :effort:

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:50

Donkwich: Feb 28, 2011; Grimey Drawer

cnn is just a permanent neverending grid of anchors and pundits now

don lemon for the block pls

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:52

quadrophrenic: Feb 4, 2011; WIN MARNIE WIN

I did a thing posted:

Vaping Congressman is the only answer.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duncan_D._Hunter

this is my congressman!

he is currently being investigated by the feds for spending campaign money on steam games

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:52

navyjack: Jul 15, 2006

Scent of Worf posted:

Just lmao if you haven't read ted Chiang's exhalation. Its a short story my guy. go read it

I couldn't get through starship troopers

It was like the forever war except with none of the introspection. A book by a military worshipper who was never actually in the armed forces iirc

Nah, Heinlein was a loon, but he was a senior Navy officer loon.

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:52

Martout: Aug 8, 2007; None so deprived

Martout posted:

lol paul ryan

just lol

at paul ryan

it's time to selfquote, yeah I've had that much wine!

I would armwrestle him. straight up. he probably does no functional strength i mean lol look at him legs and i would humiliate him and it would be a good day - for me - but for him? nope, it wouldn't be nearly as bad as when he hosed this up.

it makes me so happy that paul ryan got hosed hahaha like i rarely get this happy when someone fails at something but this is just fantastic lmebo

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:52

mormonpartyboat: Jan 14, 2015; by Reene

Tight Booty Shorts posted:

Is that a photoshop

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:52

Nichael: Mar 30, 2011

Tight Booty Shorts posted:

Is that a photoshop

Is that a photoshop

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:53

Donkwich: Feb 28, 2011; Grimey Drawer

quadrophrenic posted:

this is my congressman!

he is currently being investigated by the feds for spending campaign money on steam games

i think he was given that seat by his daddy too

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:53

cumshitter: Sep 27, 2005; by Fluffdaddy

my mildly autistic friend is stopping by tonight and a few weeks back he brought over a pool game (pure pool, it's really good and cheap) because i overpaid him for a 6 pack of miller lite. my plan tonight is to get him out to an actual pool hall. preferably early so its not crowded and hes not self conscious. like i probably suck at pool as much as he does and its not like other people watch you play

i know he likes pool but hes resistant to the idea of actually going out and playing it but im going to try and gently shove him into the idea

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:54

quadrophrenic: Feb 4, 2011; WIN MARNIE WIN

Donkwich posted:

i think he was given that seat by his daddy too

he is actually a failson, not just a meme failson

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:54

Epic High Five: Jun 5, 2004

Heinlein wanted desperately for his society ruled by a benevolent military that NEVER oversteps its bounds and you only get to participate by taking up arms to work. The 2nd half of the book basically handwaves away all of history by saying, "and isn't it weird how they don't abuse this and become supreme overlords? Anyway, moving on"

First half is a fun romp, 2nd half is self-insert rambling

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:54

Rushi: Jun 2, 2003; by Smythe

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:55

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# ? May 17, 2024 01:01

Lastgirl: Sep 7, 1997; Good Morning!
Sunday Morning!

mormonpartyboat posted:

question everything

everything

# ? Mar 26, 2017 02:55

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > TRUMP116: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUz9xCTOPRw

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