/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

Batterypowered7: Aug 8, 2009; The mist that chills you keeps me warm.

Bubblyblubber posted:

Lactose intolerance story is even more "why???" since there are literally magic pills that you take before eating that'll just erase the lactose from your food. And then you can eat a whole wheel of cheese and not explode into nerve gas, why won't you take the pills? WHY???

It won't protect you from this cheese, though.

[Blowjob] I hurt his feelings when pointing out mysterious knob-cheese...

There needs to be some sort of Dick Police that confiscates your dick until you learn to wash properly. Like, you gotta go take a course and get certified and then you get your dick back.

# ? Mar 26, 2017 17:57

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# ? May 20, 2024 10:44

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

Batterypowered7 posted:

There needs to be some sort of Dick Police that confiscates your dick until you learn to wash properly. Like, you gotta go take a course and get certified and then you get your dick back.

The dick police got to me at birth with steely knives.

# ? Mar 26, 2017 18:38

Swagman: Jun 10, 2003; Yes...all was once again peaceful in River City.

Pvt.Scott posted:

The dick police got to me at birth with steely knives.

just cant kill the beast :smug:

# ? Mar 26, 2017 19:02

gentle pete: Feb 21, 2015; by Nyc_Tattoo

Me (34f) with my dad's extended family (30s - 70s). It's like they refuse to acknowledge I am actually married.

At 26, I was in a long term committed relationship with a practicing Wiccan and we became handfasted. My understanding was that handfasting is the same as marriage,

# ? Mar 26, 2017 19:13

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

Here's a guy who sucks

How do I [33f] explain to my husband [36m] (married 9 years), that I don't have post partum depression, and that he's just being a tool?Relationships

quote:

Tl;dr- I had a daughter 5 months ago, and every time I make a request of my husband, disagree with him, have a long day that leaves me drained, or get annoyed with him or my three year old, he asks if �I should have stopped taking my meds so soon� or some other comment that implies that I'm struggling with ppd, when in fact dealing with negating feelings is just a part of life. This is starting to make me irate. How can I convey to him that my biggest problem is the rear end in a top hat that I married, not a mental disorder?

Some background- three years ago I had a girl and I believe that I was affected by post partum depression. I cried several times daily, had a hard time adjusting to motherhood, envisioned killing her and blaming SIDS during the worst of it, and was generally miserable for the first year of her life. My husband was no saint in this. He hated the life adjustment required when dinks have kids (just to be clear, our daughters were both very much wanted and planned for), buried himself in work under the idea that these were his years for advancement and he couldn't slow down now, and constantly made himself unavailable to me both emotionally and as far as caring for the baby was concerned. One example I will never forget of this, is when I went to the hospital where I delivered to see the lactation consultant (a free service provided to women who delivered there). I suspected that my daughter was not feeding well because she screamed and cried constantly while she was awake. At this appointment it was determined that she was not transferring milk efficiently (we did a weighed feeding), and it was suggested to me by the lactation consultant that I allow her to feed for 20-30 minutes at each breast, and then pump for 20 to get my supply up, and repeat this process ever 2 hours (i.e. take a 40-60 minute break to allow my bleeding nipples to recover, wash pump parts, change diapers, play with baby, and go to the bathroom myself before starting again). I lost my poo poo and started to cry, and the nurses wouldn't let me leave the hospital until I talked to a psychiatrist. I was communicating this to my husband (who was at work) via text who seemed concerned. However, that night, instead of coming home to me to give me a break from our daughter, he went out after work with his colleagues for drinks to celebrate Tom's birthday, and stayed out until 11 pm, which really upset me. poo poo like this happened constantly, I asked for a divorce, we went to counseling, our daughter got older, and things got better.

A little over a year ago we decided to complete our family and had another child. I expected that my husband's behavior would be better, and he agreed that it would. For the most part it was, and my youngest was a considerably easier baby. I didn't breastfeed more than 6 weeks, went on Zoloft, her colic/formula switch was diagnosed and addressed much sooner, dad didn't party pretty a much at all, and things were going well. Last month I returned to work and stopped taking the Zoloft. I expected that the childcare responsibilities that were primarily mine as a SAHM on maternity leave would be split pretty equally, and this is where the problems started. In the morning, I get both kids changed/dressed, fed, packed up, I bring the youngest to a daycare 15 minutes out of my way (but on my husband's way to work), get her set for the day, drive 15 minutes back past my house and keep going for another 45 until I get to daycare for my oldest, get her situated, and continue on my way for 10 more minutes before I get to work. In the evening after I am done with work, I get both kids home, settled, fed, wash daycare clothes and dishes needed for the next day, and play with them. Dad walks in 0-15 minutes before bedtime plays with the oldest while I bathe the youngest, bathes the oldest while I put the baby to bed, and then we both lay in her bed and read with the oldest while putting her to bed. I take care of the laundry, all food/household shopping, and 90% of the cleaning.

I'm going to break and I need more help. When I ask for it (nice and calmly, when I'm in a decent mood) he'll suggest that maybe I need to go back on the Zoloft, because I wasn't so needy then, or some other crappy comment that really pushes my buttons. As I get pissy about this, he'll use my attitude as "proof" that I have ppd. He really thinks that I do suffer from it, and that he's looking out for me, but I need a loving helping hand from him, not a pill to make the situation better. Help me! Can you please validate me, from an external perspective, that is this is a help needed situation (if you see it as so), and how to explain my needs on a calm Sunday night, without it ending up as WWIII where I'm told that I have a mental disorder? Thanks!

# ? Mar 26, 2017 19:15

Quote-Unquote: Oct 22, 2002

gentle pete posted:

Me (34f) with my dad's extended family (30s - 70s). It's like they refuse to acknowledge I am actually married.

At 26, I was in a long term committed relationship with a practicing Wiccan and we became handfasted. My understanding was that handfasting is the same as marriage,

lol

I once dated a woman who was 'handfasted'. She told me on our third date that she was technically married and that she would have to go and deal with that before she was willing to get serious with me. I figured it was just a really stupid way of saying she didn't want to see me anymore, but then she spent weeks texting me (ignored) that she really liked me but seriously had to go and do some stupid ritual (handparting, I think?). And then a text saying I was a monster for not respecting her beliefs, before I blocked her.

# ? Mar 26, 2017 19:41

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

Quote-Unquote posted:

lol

I once dated a woman who was 'handfasted'. She told me on our third date that she was technically married and that she would have to go and deal with that before she was willing to get serious with me. I figured it was just a really stupid way of saying she didn't want to see me anymore, but then she spent weeks texting me (ignored) that she really liked me but seriously had to go and do some stupid ritual (handparting, I think?). And then a text saying I was a monster for not respecting her beliefs, before I blocked her.

ahaha

# ? Mar 26, 2017 19:47

sephiRoth IRA: Jun 13, 2007; "Science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality."

-Carl Sagan

Why the gently caress, if that was your experience with kid #1, would you think that doubling down with kid #2 is a good plan? Your husband was a complete rear end in a top hat and your brain broke.

# ? Mar 26, 2017 20:20

blackmet: Aug 5, 2006; I believe there is a universal Truth to the process of doing things right (Not that I have any idea what that actually means).

gentle pete posted:

Me (34f) with my dad's extended family (30s - 70s). It's like they refuse to acknowledge I am actually married.

At 26, I was in a long term committed relationship with a practicing Wiccan and we became handfasted. My understanding was that handfasting is the same as marriage,

I guess it could be a part of a wedding ritual. But it doesn't really count unless you got a marriage certificate from the state.

# ? Mar 26, 2017 20:23

Bubblyblubber: Nov 17, 2014

Wiccan ritual, you said?

My [31F] BF [34 M] of two years wants to attend his ex's conception party (NSFW-ish?)

quote:

u/conceptualthrow
OK, throwaway for this, though if any of the involved people lurk here, they'll figure it out quickly so maybe this is pointless. Oh well.

Let's call my boyfriend Ben. We're a fairly kinky couple, though he's got a way kinkier past than I do. He used to be in this poly/group sort of thing with Carla and I'm not even sure how many others. They moved as a pretty tight group, from what I hear, and were fixtures on the local fetish scene. Eventually they split up and it was rocky for a while, but maybe they weren't all that attached because they moved on. Carla settled in with Dorian, who was kind of the leader of the poly group. Ben is bi, and I was totally cool with that, it was actually one of the things that really attracted me to him, that he was so relaxed and in tune with his sexual needs.

Fast forward about three years. Ben and I are dating, and open but not poly (encounters only with both of us there, no outside dating or sexual contact) and it has been working for both of us. About a year after we dated, we attended a fetish party at Dorian's house with Carla and the whole thing was like this poly-group reunion and I tried my best to be the cool girlfriend but it was just way out of my league sexually. Carla and Dorian are really big time exhibitionists and I was a little intimidated at how casually they just got naked and sexual. I like being kinky but big groups just feel intimidating and I've realized I don't like it and at the party everyone kind of got that vibe off of me and Ben and I just made out a little bit while everyone else was getting into wilder stuff but I just wasn't feeling it. I didn't think it was a big thing because I tried not to make a big deal out of it but I was clearly throwing off some sort of aura or bad energy because none of Ben's old poly partners wanted to play with him and I felt really bad about that but I didn't know what else to do. Ben was GREAT about it, too, he held my hand and didn't pressure me at all and after a while we quietly slipped out and I haven't really had contact with them again.

Well now Carla and Dorian want a baby and I guess they had some trouble getting pregnant, I'm not really sure but they've been taking some fertility drugs and Carla has been tracking her cycle to find her peak fertility. Now, Carla and Dorian are also some kind of Wiccan or tantric believers, I guess? I don't really know but they have this big pagan-spirituality thing going on and they want to have a conception party. Ben was telling me that they want all these important people in their lives to join together and build the positive energy at Carla's peak fertility moment to bless the conception of the baby.

So basically, I'm not invited but Ben wants to go to this "conception" party that will be a room full of people having sex and who knows what else. I don't want to be that bitchy girlfriend who says "I don't trust you" because I totally trust him but I just don't feel excited about him in a room full of people having sex, even if it's some religious-y kind of ritual, without me.

I love Ben so much, and I can see us being together for the rest of our lives. He's so amazing and kind and we never fight and I know I can totally trust him with any boundaries but I still just feel like this is strange. Like, if it was a bachelor party with strippers, I wouldn't mind, but thinking about him going to watch a group of his ex-lovers having sex just feels weird. What do I do? Do I ask him to not go? Do I ask him to go but not get sexual? Or do I trust him (because I trust him with all my heart) and let him have this experience and just be the bigger person?

tl;dr - BF invited to a "conception party" with a bunch of his poly ex-es, I'm not invited. Advice?

# ? Mar 26, 2017 20:28

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Whats berth el pup in celtic?

# ? Mar 26, 2017 20:36

Dunning Krugerrand: Dec 23, 2015; purestrain pyrite

blackmet posted:

I guess it could be a part of a wedding ritual. But it doesn't really count unless you got a marriage certificate from the state.

If a person is recognized by X religion as having the authority to perform a wedding (or equivalent) they can fill out the certificate after the ceremony; you absolutely can have your marriage certificate signed by your Wiccan priest or whatever. However it sounds like she didn't bother going through with that so it holds about at much legal standing as those FLDS polygamous marriages.

Bubblyblubber posted:

Wiccan ritual, you said?

My [31F] BF [34 M] of two years wants to attend his ex's conception party (NSFW-ish?)

This sounds like an excuse for a bunch of dudes to gently caress her so that she'll get knocked up by one of them. Ben's gonna end up part of a class action paternity suit or some poo poo.

# ? Mar 26, 2017 20:42

Bubblyblubber: Nov 17, 2014

Can't decide on who's the biggest dweeb, the teenager doing ~~~ forbidden blood magiks ~~~ or the grown up afraid of it.

Me [23M] with my gf's brother [16M], who performs Satanic/Wiccan rituals on me

quote:

u/throwawaysatanistq
Throwaway because this is personal.

Me and my gf, let's call her Cara, have been dating for 4 months. I met her family maybe a month ago. They all are completely normal, and Cara is completely normal. Her family is not that crazy about me and probably thinks that I'm a loser compared to Cara but they're polite enough, and her parents let her make her own decisions.

Now the exception to their normality is Cara's little brother, let's call him Liam. Liam is 16 and insists on everyone calling him by his Satanic/Wiccan name. He does not like me at all and is either a Satanist or is Wiccan. Neither Cara nor her parents are willing to specify exactly what Liam is doing or practicing.

I was obviously surprised at Liam's religious preferences, but I love Cara, and I'm willing to tolerate him. The line, however, is when Liam's religious practices interfere with me. Liam constantly makes implicit threats about calling on demons and doing blood rituals with pork blood...I don't even know. The things he says and threatens to do are so ridiculous that I sometimes think he's messing with me. I try to bring Liam up with Cara and she's always like, "Why do you obsess over him so much? What's wrong with you? He's just being a kid." And I complain about him doing rituals with summoning whatever to attack me and she's like "Haha like do you seriously believe that?"

I've tolerated this for several weeks now, but every time I see Liam, he gets more and more eccentric. He's started saying things to me like, "you're going to die soon", "You will die a painful death", and some weird poo poo about summoning demons to "sodomize my soul". This wouldn't concern me usually because I don't stay at Cara's house, but I am actually worried that Liam is mentally unstable and will attack me when he realizes that his summoning and death rituals to kill me don't work.

tl;dr: Girlfriend's little brother really dislikes me and appears mentally unstable.

# ? Mar 26, 2017 20:43

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

Bubblyblubber posted:

Can't decide on who's the biggest dweeb, the teenager doing ~~~ forbidden blood magiks ~~~ or the grown up afraid of it.

Me [23M] with my gf's brother [16M], who performs Satanic/Wiccan rituals on me

the latter, this kid is a hero who's successfully figured out how to leverage being a sulky goth teen to gently caress with people in 2017

A Wizard of Goatse fucked around with this message at 20:48 on Mar 26, 2017

# ? Mar 26, 2017 20:45

MF_James: May 8, 2008; I CANNOT HANDLE BEING CALLED OUT ON MY DUMBASS OPINIONS ABOUT ANTI-VIRUS AND SECURITY. I REALLY LIKE TO THINK THAT I KNOW THINGS HERE

INSTEAD I AM GOING TO WHINE ABOUT IT IN OTHER THREADS SO MY OPINION CAN FEEL VALIDATED IN AN ECHO CHAMBER I LIKE

Dunning Krugerrand posted:

Here's a doozy, especially the update post.

I[42F] am having issues with my SIL [44F], recently it turned very ugly, she attacked me outside church/my children's school

UPDATE: I[42F] am having issues with my SIL [44F], recently it turned very ugly, she attacked me outside church/my children's school.

That is one hell of a story and fit for this thread, it has me confused, excited, sad and mildly aroused.

# ? Mar 26, 2017 20:49

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

Quote-Unquote posted:

lol

I once dated a woman who was 'handfasted'. She told me on our third date that she was technically married and that she would have to go and deal with that before she was willing to get serious with me. I figured it was just a really stupid way of saying she didn't want to see me anymore, but then she spent weeks texting me (ignored) that she really liked me but seriously had to go and do some stupid ritual (handparting, I think?). And then a text saying I was a monster for not respecting her beliefs, before I blocked her.

Look at this handfastless virgin, everybody.

# ? Mar 26, 2017 20:53

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

Barudak posted:

Whats berth el pup in celtic?

Erin go cuck?

# ? Mar 26, 2017 20:55

Khorne: May 1, 2002

Bubblyblubber posted:

Can't decide on who's the biggest dweeb, the teenager doing ~~~ forbidden blood magiks ~~~ or the grown up afraid of it.

Me [23M] with my gf's brother [16M], who performs Satanic/Wiccan rituals on me

And I complain about him doing rituals with summoning whatever to attack me and she's like "Haha like do you seriously believe that?"

# ? Mar 26, 2017 21:20

Quote-Unquote: Oct 22, 2002

Pvt.Scott posted:

Look at this handfastless virgin, everybody.

It's me, I'm inhandfastcel.

For the record: no, she wasn't actually married. She had a 'handfasting' ceremony with her best friend, who was also a woman, and she decided that this made her bisexual. Note that she had never had any sexual experience or attraction to any woman (according to her), just that she had 'married' a woman therefore she must be bi.

So yes you see why we only went out three times.

# ? Mar 26, 2017 22:08

Streak: May 16, 2004; by Nyc_Tattoo

"Only"?

# ? Mar 26, 2017 22:14

Gumbel2Gumbel: Apr 28, 2010

areyoucontagious posted:

Why the gently caress, if that was your experience with kid #1, would you think that doubling down with kid #2 is a good plan? Your husband was a complete rear end in a top hat and your brain broke.

"We had a really lovely time adapting to having one child so a second was a brilliant idea!"

# ? Mar 26, 2017 22:28

Subjunctive: Sep 12, 2006; ✨sparkle and shine✨

blackmet posted:

I guess it could be a part of a wedding ritual. But it doesn't really count unless you got a marriage certificate from the state.

Common-law doesn't count?

# ? Mar 26, 2017 22:33

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Subjunctive posted:

Common-law doesn't count?

Not every state recognizes common-law marriages, much less deeply stupid ones.

# ? Mar 26, 2017 22:36

flick my Mr. Bean: Nov 18, 2014

When I worked at Walgreens, my coworker told me that as a wiccan priest, he could perform a ritual that would turn me gay and make me want him. Maybe her brother is just mad his gay love rituals aren't working.

# ? Mar 26, 2017 22:38

Subjunctive: Sep 12, 2006; ✨sparkle and shine✨

Barudak posted:

Not every state recognizes common-law marriages, much less deeply stupid ones.

Sure. Is your point that common law marriages that are recognized by a state aren't legitimate because they don't have paperwork?

# ? Mar 26, 2017 22:49

Buzkashi: Feb 4, 2003; College Slice

Bubblyblubber posted:

Can't decide on who's the biggest dweeb, the teenager doing ~~~ forbidden blood magiks ~~~ or the grown up afraid of it.

Me [23M] with my gf's brother [16M], who performs Satanic/Wiccan rituals on me

Is this kid Orin from Parks and Rec

# ? Mar 26, 2017 22:50

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Subjunctive posted:

Sure. Is your point that common law marriages that are recognized by a state aren't legitimate because they don't have paperwork?

I'm saying not every state has a legal concept of common-law marriage so from a purely technical standpoint, which I assume his family is hiding behind to avoid stating their outright dislike/disbelief in his new religious practices, they may well be correct.

Also, someone please describe to me a handfasting ceremony because right now all I can imagine is trying to make your hands not eat.

# ? Mar 26, 2017 23:05

WrenP-Complete: Jul 27, 2012

Fast like fasten - tie together tightly.
Not fast like breakfast, eating after a period of not eating.

# ? Mar 26, 2017 23:17

pidan: Nov 6, 2012

Barudak posted:

I'm saying not every state has a legal concept of common-law marriage so from a purely technical standpoint, which I assume his family is hiding behind to avoid stating their outright dislike/disbelief in his new religious practices, they may well be correct.

Also, someone please describe to me a handfasting ceremony because right now all I can imagine is trying to make your hands not eat.

You tie the partners' hands together with some kind of knot while standing in a dewy meadow. I think.

# ? Mar 26, 2017 23:19

pc lithman: Oct 6, 2016; by FactsAreUseless; Pillbug

kinky

# ? Mar 26, 2017 23:37

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

The knotted cord, like rings, symbolically join the two lovers as one new whole.

# ? Mar 26, 2017 23:40

Play: Apr 25, 2006; Strong stroll for a mangy stray

Pvt.Scott posted:

The knotted cord, like rings, symbolically join the two lovers as one new whole.

wow that's so, like, deep you know

# ? Mar 26, 2017 23:50

Dienes: Nov 4, 2009; dee
doot doot dee
doot doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot
doot doot dee
dee doot doot; College Slice

pidan posted:

You tie the partners' hands together with some kind of knot while standing in a dewy meadow. I think.

I had poly friends that did a handfasting once - its pretty much this except they jump over a broom and a sword at the end of tying their hands together.

# ? Mar 27, 2017 00:06

Subjunctive: Sep 12, 2006; ✨sparkle and shine✨

Play posted:

wow that's so, like, deep you know

Looking closely at most modern wedding ceremonies will leave you wanting for philosophical richness. The ring exchange part may be the worst.

# ? Mar 27, 2017 00:09

chernobyl kinsman: Mar 18, 2007; a friend of the friendly atom; Soiled Meat

Dienes posted:

poly friends that did a handfasting once

that sounds about right yeah

# ? Mar 27, 2017 00:25

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

Play posted:

wow that's so, like, deep you know

I'm not the one who came up with the bullshit. At least the cord brings in the idea that the knot wouldn't be possible without both parties and that they were part of the same cord all along. See the ouroboros, the silver cord, and the ring finger for further meaning. This is also literally where "tying the knot," comes from. Hardly Wiccan exclusive.

# ? Mar 27, 2017 00:30

Benagain: Oct 10, 2007; Can you see that I am serious?; Fun Shoe

I'm getting married and we're doing a handfasting thing as well as swapping rings. It's no more or less dumb than any other bit of symbolism.

Doing it by itself and claiming that means you're now gay is dumb as hell.

# ? Mar 27, 2017 00:39

pc lithman: Oct 6, 2016; by FactsAreUseless; Pillbug

* has orgy full of hott dudes cumming all over eachother, deepthroatin *

"it aint gay if the hands aint tied"

# ? Mar 27, 2017 00:45

Breetai: Nov 6, 2005; 🥄Mah spoon is too big!🍌

Bubblyblubber posted:

[Blowjob] I hurt his feelings when pointing out mysterious knob-cheese...

Clean privilege is never being turned down for oral sex because you haven�t washed away the protective, lubricative, natural oils beneath your foreskin that are supposed to facilitate sex in the first place (smegma).

Clean privilege is being considered more sexually desirable even when you have horribly disfigured genitals. 56% of American males undergo genital mutilation at birth for supposed �hygiene� reasons, as it removes the 'need� to wash. Our society is so obsessed with unnecessary cleanliness that we actually take a knife to our baby boy�s little winkles to achieve it.

Tags: clean privilege privilege circumcision male genital mutilation sex and love trigger warning child abuse

# ? Mar 27, 2017 01:11

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# ? May 20, 2024 10:44

DrPlump: Oct 5, 2004; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Benagain posted:

I'm getting married and we're doing a handfasting thing as well as swapping rings. It's no more or less dumb than any other bit of symbolism.

Doing it by itself and claiming that means you're now gay is dumb as hell.

Add the Klingon wedding rituals as well.

# ? Mar 27, 2017 01:14

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