/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

Mirthless posted:

Pick's posts are either (sometimes both) serious or trolling depending on the situation and the deadpan delivery can often make it hard to tell.

if you disagree with something Pick posts to the point where your knee starts to jerk, just assume she's trolling.

Close. If you disagree with something Pick posts to the point where your knees start to jerk, it's even odds on trolling or genuine belief crouched as trolling. It's the same with my posting, really.

Being a sarcastic, acerbic rear end in a top hat is a fine line between exposing all of your vulnerabilities and problems and hiding them among a bunch of false ones. It's kinda like playing Battleship with your fragile psyche but you try to lie about actual hits and misses and keep a poker face while doing it.

This is purely my own personal experience however, and I may be (read: likely am) entirely wrong about this thread's darling poster.

Also, just because an individual sucks at putting something into practice, it doesn't mean that they don't actually have good advice about the things they repeatedly fail horribly at. Doctors make the worst patients and all of that. I should know. My dad's a doctor and I've seen that first hand.

# ? Apr 21, 2017 22:07

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# ? May 14, 2024 07:02

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

Enough of this! Have some content.

Should I [25M] date my cousin's adopted sister [19F]?

quote:

My cousin is also 25. We are best friends and have been since childhood. He has an adopted sister so they aren't related at all.

I know its kind of weird but lately I feel very attracted to her. Whenever I go over she always comes to talk to me and sometimes even flirts with me.

Yesterday I went over to her house to hang out with my cousin and she asked me when it was just the two of us whether I'd like to have dinner with her sometime. I told her that it was complicated and that I'd love to but Im not sure if its the right thing to do. I said I'd get back to her on it.

Also, my cousin is extremely protective of her. I dont want to ruin my relationship with my cousin. I dont know how he would react to us dating. I dont know how their mother would react either.

I really like her and if we had no familial relation at all, I would totally go out with her. But the problem is that even though we're not related by blood I still feel like people would still judge us.

Im wondering if it is too weird to go on a date with her? If I do, should I give my cousin a heads up before? How should I tell him about it?

Thanks

Tl;Dr: I have a huge crush on my cousin's adopted sister. She asked me out and I dont know if we should pursue anything.

# ? Apr 21, 2017 22:14

Tiny Deer: Jan 16, 2012

fruit on the bottom posted:

Enough of this! Have some content.

Should I [25M] date my cousin's adopted sister [19F]?

This depends on when she was adopted.

In her late teens (16 up): it's still going to ruin your family relationships but you're not inherently hosed up, just dumb and also don't date nineteen year olds. I mean that advice for nineteen year olds as well. No one should date them, including each other, they are all much too stupid.

Literally any earlier than that: you can't bang your cousin you loving degenerate.

# ? Apr 21, 2017 22:18

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

quote:

Go for it, you only live once, compatible people are hard to find.

# ? Apr 21, 2017 22:28

Psycho Society: Oct 21, 2010

lmao if you haven't got enough points by now for 1-2 extra lives

# ? Apr 21, 2017 22:31

Psycho Society: Oct 21, 2010

I got my poo poo together and ive completed a lot of combos in my time so im just gonna wait for the dream girl before going on any dates

# ? Apr 21, 2017 22:34

Psycho Society: Oct 21, 2010

And by that I mean I'm not gonna try to date a cousin

# ? Apr 21, 2017 22:35

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Look if youre going to pull some 19th century dating, you should go whole hog and let her finish being educated while you establish yourself as a respected and wealthy bachelor of 29 before the two of you ever go for a first dance.

# ? Apr 21, 2017 22:37

Anagram of GINGER: Oct 3, 2014; by Smythe

subhuman filth posted:

psst, ever seen a grown man's penis?

On one of my deployments there was a huge white dude who would yell this question while chasing people around the sleeping tent naked

# ? Apr 21, 2017 22:44

Anagram of GINGER: Oct 3, 2014; by Smythe

Pvt.Scott posted:

Close. If you disagree with something Pick posts to the point where your knees start to jerk, it's even odds on trolling or genuine belief crouched as trolling.

Pick posts some really accurate poo poo that I may not exhibit in my behavior but I definitely see in others. However I suspect it's mostly sincere worldviews which makes me feel sorry for her.

# ? Apr 21, 2017 22:46

Nazzadan: Jun 22, 2016

Mirthless posted:

you know, this might be an appropriate and/or funny response if we weren't right smack in the middle of a serious conversation, but here, it's just white noise. Try harder.

edit: vvv if you want a meltdown, here's one: go gently caress yourself. every time anyone in this thread tries to put more than two paragraphs together about a topic there's a trickle of you idiots who only make one-sentence long contributions to this thread to come in making the same tired loving jokes. get a new comedy routine, you're loving boring.

I'm like 40 pages in the past, I will likely not get to this post I am making right now for a few days and by then it will be in the past as well

But shut the gently caress up, Mirthless

Edit: Content before I return to the past

Me [25 M] with my Client [30's M] of 6 months stood me up and I fired off a rude email, haven't heard from him since

quote:

So I am a software salesman in a mid-sized city in the US. One of my clients who I have always gotten along with super well ( Free sports games, drinks, dinners, etc really help these things) cancelled on my last two meetings with him within an hour of our meeting time. Not a huge deal, he did give me some notice and it allowed me to have a little free time. Then, on Thursday July 2nd (basically the friday of Independence Day weekend here in the States) we were supposed to meet for drinks at a nice restaurant, go over our new Contract, catch up, plan a trip for him down to our international office, and discuss a big acquisition his company just went through and how it would effect my team working with him.
I texted him a couple days before just saying "Looking forward to catching up Thursday!" and he replied back "Me too!". Cut to Thursday, our online calendar we have both agreed to the meeting on beeps "meeting in 1 hour", so I fight traffic for an hour to get to the restaurant, get a table, order a drink and start waiting. 5 minutes past our appointment i text him where our table is. 15 minutes after, I call him and leave him a voicemail. 30 minutes later I text asking if he is going to be able to make it. Nothing. So I get up, pay for my two drinks i had, and fight traffic for an hour and a half back home, fuming the whole way.
When i finally get home at 7:30pm, I fired off an email that was way too harsh, especially for someone in my line of work (salesman=always happy,accommodating, etc) that basically can be summed up by one line "Due to your refusal to communicate that you were going to blow off our 3rd meeting in a row, this afternoon was a monumental waste of my time."
I sent it off, partied my brains out this weekend, and now that the smoke has finally cleared, am really worried that I have ruined the relationship with how harsh and over the top my email was.
What is the best way to communicate that I am sorry for losing my temper over an email and attempt to salvage the relationship?
TLDR: Client stood me up on the eve of the long weekend, I sent a very heated email and haven't heard from him since

Top comment

quote:

Either he was blowing you off and you burned a bridge that was barely there or he had a legitimate excuse and you burned a perfectly good bridge. Either way has the same outcome that he is not going to be your client anymore, so I'd chalk it up as a mistake and try not to think about it and don't send emails like that in the future.

and an update

quote:

UPDATE/EDIT: He texted me back after I left a voicemail this morning saying he was travelling out of the country, forgot about our meeting, is very sorry and understands my frustration, and looks forward to getting together ASAP. I Definitely stuck by the "I am sorry, regardless, I overreacted, looking forward to connecting" Thanks for the advice all.

The client shouldn't have even responded

# ? Apr 21, 2017 22:56

Psycho Society: Oct 21, 2010

Nazzadan posted:

I'm like 40 pages in the past, I will likely not get to this post I am making right now for a few days and by then it will be in the past as well

But shut the gently caress up, Mirthless

Hell ya

# ? Apr 21, 2017 22:57

Jeffrey of YOSPOS: Dec 22, 2005; GET LOSE, YOU CAN'T COMPARE WITH MY POWERS

Nazzadan posted:

The client shouldn't have even responded

If that was the actual text of the email, that doesn't seem unreasonable. I am not in sales and don't have that always-pleased attitude but like, that is a pretty big waste of time and it's pretty understandable that he'd be frustrated. I'm not saying I wouldn't ever blow off a meeting with a salesperson, but I'd at least try to give them a heads up instead of just no-showing and I'd definitely apologize if I did the latter. A salesperson willing to express displeasure comes across as more honest to me than one who pretends nothing matters. Now, if instead of one angry email I got 20 phone calls, I might never talk to them again.

It's cool to work for a company whose product is desirable enough to sell itself - taking poo poo from clients is something I hope to never do again.

Jeffrey of YOSPOS fucked around with this message at 23:07 on Apr 21, 2017

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:04

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Me [24 F] with my STINGY friend [23 F] 3 years, treated friend to plane tickets and she mooched off me the whole tripNon-Romantic
94 points 74 comments submitted 7 months ago by Quinn-108 to r/relationships

My friend and I, both women in our early twenties, met in college. I helped her get a job at a bar I worked at. We had fun working together and have stayed in contact after graduation and moving to a new state and me to a new country. We aren't very very good friends but communicate frequently and trust each other.

This August I bought her a ticket to travel through Colombia with me. It's cost $2000 for both of us to go there and back. I never told her how much the tickets cost. I just said something like, "If I buy you a ticket to come with me, would you like to? And can you?" She also has a lot of experience traveling which was why I asked her to join me instead of some of my closer friends. Buses, boats, and hostels in Colombia are a little difficult sometimes so I thought it'd be perfect. And anyways, I feel like we get along pretty well and I thought we'd have a good time. The trip was for two weeks by the way. And also, it's important to know that I'm not wealthy. I just recently found a side hustle that makes me a lot of cash so it's not a big deal. It's more of the principle.

First off, the day we are leaving she says she doesn't have a debit OR credit card. She only has $800USD cash and requested to put half in my bank account which was on the way to the airport. It made me uncomfortable but at the time I rationalized that because she was moving back to our state (her and her boyfriend broke up), that it made sense she had to close her bank. So I did it. I put her money in my account. But actually that was the worst thing.
Because she didn't have any way to get cash and had only converted $200 to pesos in the beginning I had to plan all hostels, book them, pay all the fees for using my card overseas (for me it's a lot because I have a credit union), and just arrange everything in the beginning. But the beginning of the trip turned into a pattern that lasted for about 12 days of our 15 there.

On our trip my friend never once invited me to a beer or meal and pulled out her wallet incredibly slow any time we needed to pay. One night she told other backpackers, from Holland, that she's "poor" and "even on Obamacare" because she can't afford private insurance. Obviously they offered to pay after that...

One morning, I told her I was going to a bikini store to go shopping and I'd see her later. I didn't want to bring her there because the bathing suits were expensive even for the US and I didn't want her to feel bad about being broke. She came anyways, asked her mom for $100 which I gave to her and her mom later paid me back. But here's the thing, she bought a bathing suit that costs $70. Later that night she ordered pizza thinking it would be just a slice but instead they gave her a whole pizza. I said, "yum I think I'd love to try a piece," and she told me that if I wanted pizza I needed to order my own and that she made that clear before ordering. She said she'd give me and our two Colombia buddies a piece to share. Prior to this I invited her to beers, coffee, and paid for most of the taxis. She didn't even finish the loving pizza. Yet, on countless occasions she couldn't pay because she had too big of a bill (pesos are different, nobody in Colombia has change) or was short a little bit. She loves to say "here take this for mine and you pay since you have a bigger bill" because that means she's off the hook for tax and tip. I wonder if she thinks I don't notice.

Reflecting on the time I've know her it's all coming together. She was on welfare despite making decent money in tips at our bar. Sure, I believe that a waitresses wage is still low enough to be on food stamps even with tips included but she only did it so that she could save more for a 4 month trip through Europe. Her rent at the time was only $120USD because they were living in a house that was foreclosing and she didn't have any bills besides car insurance. I know this information because she talks about her money saving tactics obsessively.

On the last day we got in a flight because one day she didn't have change AGAIN and I told her she needs to get some change in town. She got SO mad. And I said, look I'm not trying to be rude but I find it impolite that you never have small change. She didn't talk to me the rest of that day. But this topic did come up in an argument in which she told me that I'm actually in the wrong because I "only like reciprocity when it benefits me." Bitch. I bought your ticket here and paid for like a 1/4 of your time here. HELP?!

Every time I think about her my blood boils. I didn't expect anything in return for buying her ticket but I feel taken advantage of and actually very embarrassed for her for having such bad manners.

I forgot to add that on the way back we got hosed over by the airport and I had to buy her a new ticket home. For me, it was instinct because I didn't want to leave her in Colombia of all places with no money. But looking back, I don't know if I'll ever get that money back. How do I at least get my money back?

tl;dr: Stingy friend while traveling. I bought her ticket and ended up paying for tons of other stuff and am all around overwhelmed and insulted by her stinginess. HELP.

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:06

Nazzadan: Jun 22, 2016

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

If that was the actual text of the email, that doesn't seem that unreasonable. I am not in sales and don't have that always-pleased attitude but like, that is a pretty big waste of time and it's pretty understandable that he'd be frustrated. I'm not saying I wouldn't ever blow off a meeting with a salesperson, but I'd at least try to give them a heads up instead of just no-showing and I'd definitely apologize if I did the latter.

It's cool to work for a company whose product is desirable enough to sell itself - taking poo poo from clients is something I hope to never do again.

That's what they paraphrased their email to, they admitted that they were fired up and it was "harsh."

Truthfully I just grabbed that story because I don't like posting offtopic or about other people's lovely posts in this thread without attaching content.

Also that was from my current search term of beep

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:06

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

quote:

My (25/f) fiancee proposed to me but it turns out the ring is fake. He bought a name brand box off of ebay

Hey guys,

so my fiancee Mark (30/m) and I have been together for two years. Two months ago, he asked me to marry him and he gave me a beautiful Cartier engagement ring. I was really excited and of course I said yes. It was a beautiful ring and I was excited to be marrying the man I love.

The other day (Mark and I work together) I overheard two co-workers talking about Mark. Someone mentioned that Mark "make so much money but he didn't even give his girlfriend a real ring". The person asked for clarification and it turns out that Mark bought a Cartier box off of Ebay then bought a cubic zirconia ring to put in the box.

I didn't want to believe it, then I took my ring to a jeweler to get it checked. My ring is essentially worthless. It isn't anywhere near a diamond.

Mark is on business right now. I'm so upset I haven't answered any of his calls or texts. I don't know what to say. Am I wrong for being this upset? I'm honestly starting to think this is a deal breaker. He's so cheap and stingy with his money but at least I thought he'd buy me a good ring when I know he can afford it. What should I do??

TL;DR: Boyfriend bought me a fake engagement ring and put it in a Cartier box to pass it off. Bragged to people we work with about what he did. I'm hurt and furious and honestly considering throwing that fake cheap ring at his face.

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:07

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

My [25F] boyfriend [26M] of 1 year just told me that he wants me to pay him a rental fee for borrowing his car to visit my family. Am I wrong to be upset?Relationships
1,339 points 727 comments submitted 1 year ago by crystalcleric to r/relationships

Ordinarily this wouldn't be a problem. I would just take my car, but it is being fixed right now. This meant that in order for me to drive to see my family for Thanksgiving I would have to either rent a car or borrow someone's. Since my boyfriend was flying out to California for Thanksgiving and wouldn't be using his, I asked him if he would mind if I borrowed it. He told me that of course I could borrow his car.

Nothing else was said about it until today (other than some minor things). I texted him to thank him again for helping me. The way I worded things apparently made it clear to him that I was only planning to cover the gas I used, and he told me that he expected me to pay him a "reasonable" fee for using the car. Reasonable to him is $50 a day plus replacing the gas I use (so the visit will cost me at least $250 in addition to whatever the gas costs).

It is his car, so I don't think I can really argue with him about this. I do understand in principal. I don't think being his girlfriend entitles me to use his stuff whenever I want, but I am hurt that he is being so stingy. We've been together for a year; it's the holidays; and my only other option was renting a car through a private company. I guess I would have hoped that he would have been more sympathetic, but maybe he has a right to expect that he be paid for use of his car. I don't know. I very rarely ask him for any favors and cover all of my expenses myself, so he can't say that I am using him or exploiting him financially. This has never come up before, so I have been taken off guard. Maybe I am being too sensitive?

EDIT: Just so you guys know, I am already at my family's house. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

tl;dr: I had to borrow my boyfriend's car to visit my family. He wants me to pay him $50 per day for use of it. I am upset by this, but I think that maybe I am just being too sensitive.

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:07

Tiny Deer: Jan 16, 2012

You know, my fiance got my engagement ring on sale. When I feel insufferably proud of him (often, he's wonderful) I sometimes like to joke-brag to people about what a deal he got on it. So I don't really 'get' why some people care about the cost or valuation of their rings.

But I can say that she'd be in the right to throw that trash back in his tightwad face and call him a cheap gently caress.

Edit: car guy just gets spiteful hissing from me. HISS.

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:12

Jeffrey of YOSPOS: Dec 22, 2005; GET LOSE, YOU CAN'T COMPARE WITH MY POWERS

Haha the solution there is so easy - "okay I'll pay you, but I'll be finding cheaper arrangements for getting home" and then leave the car at her parents house.

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:13

LGD: Sep 25, 2004

Pick posted:

wow, I am outraged

who still gets Cubic Zirconia when Moissanite exists?

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:15

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Stingy girl and ring price is all that matters to me should gently caress in hell

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:18

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

quote:

Me [28/F] with my bf [31/M], little over a year, heartfelt email made him furious with meRelationships
submitted 10 months ago by cantmakeuloveme

Feel like I'm at a crossroads with BF. Feel like he doesn't want to commit but he also won't fess up to it. Took some vacation time for us to spend time together, he was aware but made other plans that I was not included in instead. Sent him the following letter as we both needed some space. He just made it clear to me that he is furiously angry, feels accused and disrespected. Think I am done with this relationship and trying to communicate. Or maybe I'm just a terrible communicator...

BF,

Please read this and consider what your actions are saying to me. Whether or not you mean for them to.

I expressed that trip was a huge issue for me. Not that I didn't want you to go, but the fact that you didn't consider me when planning. Disappointment happens in relationships and you won't always get your way. Getting my way would look like us taking advantage of the 7 days that I have off and spending the bulk of that time together. I am disappointed that we don't have that time but I can adjust. However, there has been no form of compromise even. If you are busy June 20-23 what would be so difficult about making plans with me any of the days or even multiple days from the 24th forward? I'm not asking you to forgo something that you love and are excited about. I am wondering why you don't love me enough to be excited about spending time with me as well? It is breaking my heart and making me feel so rejected. I feel like dirt for practically begging you to spend time with me. It's not like you are my only option, I have many friends and lots of invites to do things but what I want more than anything is to spend some time with you during this rare time off. And not just last-minute time because some of my other options are quite involved. It's actually pretty embarrassing that I feel like I am begging.

I know you have been frustrated because you think I am always upset and that you'll never be able to do anything right but when I reflect back there is a single theme that keeps repeating itself and is unresolved.

The largest theme is the level of commitment. Nearly a year ago I expressed that it was frustrating that you wouldn't make plans with me ahead of time and that I always felt like a last minute option to you. At that time we were still new and only seeing each other, no commitment, so I guess I could understand your reluctance to plan ahead. Actually, I can't understand but this was the first time I really accepted less than I wanted and deserved. I thought that if I made a short-term sacrifice of what I wanted and needed out of a relationship that eventually you would come around. I'll never forget standing outside of your job discussing this late one night. And since that time I have allowed you to make me a last-minute priority to the point that it is normal for us. I almost feel guilty for being upset because you probably feel like my desire for planned time is absurd seeing that I've been ok with being a last-minute priority. But I haven't been ok with it. I just haven't been a good advocate for myself.

From there our first real fight was at that restaurant and it came out that I was very insecure about our relationship because you didn't want one and that every little disagreement left me feeling like I was risking you leaving me because relationships were too much trouble in your mind.

We had some minor disagreements about the level and amount of intimacy which I think were kind of a separate issue. This reared it's head 3 or so times but I think we were able to get on the same page about this eventually!
We fought before our trip to Italy and when we first got there, same thing really. A lack of commitment. Me giving more and falling more and that not being reciprocated through commitment and a safe place to land.

Same thing in LA. Me trying to communicate clearly and express my desires beforehand to eliminate disappointment and you not following through by making a commitment to something that I have indicated is important. Me expressing that I love you and you ignoring me. To this day so humiliating. I didn't need you to say it back, because whether you love me does not influence my unconditional love for you. And I feel that you love me. You show it in your actions, even when I am disappointed. But for you to not even acknowledge it was...just so humiliating.

This trip thing is bigger than just the time blocked off. It was a way of showing that once again you weren't committed to me. That I was not a part of your overall decision-making process.

Your lack of commitment doesn't make you a terrible person. Which I think that any discontent I have with you/our relationship is often read as me attacking your personal character. For whatever reason, I can't communicate in a way (or perhaps you can't understand) that doesn't put you on the defensive. You are a person of good character. You are kind and giving. You are thoughtful. You are patient. You are intelligent. You are fun.

I think it boils down to the fact that I am hesitant to tell you everything that I need and expect because I am afraid that you won't commit. And that is my fault. I think you try. I really do. I don't want to belittle your efforts or make you feel like they are unimportant. I guess the best analogy I have for this is that you give me water when I need food. Is water important and vital? Yes. Will it sustain me for a while? Yes. But the bottom line is that I need food to ultimately satisfy me and keep me alive. You can give me all the healthy water but I need food too.

Water is your thoughtfulness. It's you thinking of me during your work conferences and getting me materials that I might be able to use in my own job. It's asking me on Sunday if you can make me dinner on Monday. It's you including me or having me meet your friends. These are good things that I appreciate and that do make me feel special. These things by themselves are not enough for me though. They are good for a while but ultimately I need and crave food. And I am not a terrible person for needing food.

Food is commitment. It is valuing me enough to plan ahead with me. This is a need that I have expressed from the beginning and it's something that I've settled on but it is an absolute requirement for me. Food is empathy. It is the safety net for me to be able to express what I want and need out of this relationship and being able to have a reasonable expectation that those needs will be met to the best of your ability. Food is me being able to reciprocate any request I make of you and meeting your needs to the best of my ability.

Food is honesty for you to tell me up front if you are not willing to do these things so that I can move on. Your lack of commitment is hurtful. And I wish you would just be honest and say that you don't want the commitment that I want so that I can move on. Or that it's difficult for you, in which case we could work on it. I think you want the commitment where it benefits you but you aren't really willing to make the overall sacrifice that commitment takes. That is stringing me along. Given the choice I would ultimately be with you, which is why I keep holding out hope but I keep being disappointed because I am communicating my most basic needs but you aren't meeting them. I am very self-sufficient and do not depend on others to provide things that I can provide for myself so I am not looking for you to fill a void that should be filled by my own personal development. But commitment is not a one-sided decision and when it is, it's hurtful and perpetually disappointing for both people. I feel like that's where we are right now. You are giving me what you think I want and need and not simply giving me what I am asking for. You seem to be exhausted from putting in effort, and I am disappointed because it's not the effort that I want and have asked for. I don't think I'm changing my desires so that you are never enough or asking you to jump through hoops. I think you might be afraid that I am doing or would do that? Please look back and realize that these are the same things that I've been asking for from the beginning?

These are my basic needs below. And some of them aren't being met. Can you let me know if this is too much for you? In which case I think that it would be best to end our relationship. Not as a threat, but as a way to maintain our individual sanity and dignity. What are your most basic needs? I could guess and I think I know one of your needs where I'm really falling short but I'd rather you tell me so I don't put you in a box. Can we talk about it?
My Needs: Safety, Security, Feeling Loved, Commitment, Compassion, Understanding, Empathy, Prior Planning, To Be A Priority, Action, Presence.

tl;dr: Wrote bf of over a year this email. He is furiously angry with me and says that I am accusatory and disrespectful. I'm tired of jumping through hoops to communicate. Beginning to think that it's not so much what I'm communicating or even how I communicate as it is that he doesn't want me to ever take issue with anything. This may be the end of the road.

I am also FURIOUS... that someone stole my letter to hugh and put it online.

quote:

Tl;dr of original post: Boyfriend took my time for granted, always made last-minute plans with me, made me a quasi-priority. He didn't seem to understand why I felt this way when we discussed it so I wrote him a letter about it, the letter made him furiously angry.

Just wanted to say thank you for the responses. As I'm sure you can predict, we broke up. Not immediately though. He was somehow able to 'forgive the feelings of betrayal' about the letter. How he felt betrayed, I don't know. Things were ok for a week or two. We ended up having another argument at a tough time where I really needed him to be there for me. He told me that 'no one had ever treated him so disrespectfully before...none of his other girlfriends especially.' It was like I snapped in an instant.

I thought, what the gently caress was I doing in this situation? He wasn't supportive. He made nice plans but they were always last minute. I was trapped in an emotional prison where I wasn't able to express how I felt about anything without meeting his wrath...no matter how I expressed it. He was stingy. He'd spend thousands of dollars on himself on a whim but if I wanted to do something I always had to pay for us. Or if he did something nice for us it was always on the super cheap. And I mean super cheap. Like making me a candlelight dinner of the leftovers in his pantry/fridge. He wasn't that way when he had friends come into town, we'd be painting the town red at those times and he would be paying for all of it. I realized that I was doing all of the work.

So that night when we had that fight, I packed up my poo poo, gave him his key back, and walked out.

Pick fucked around with this message at 23:23 on Apr 21, 2017

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:18

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Im not reading that entire terrible letter and I dont care how in the right the author is I hate them now and side with their ex.

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:21

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

I was ready to be down with being pissed that ring boy lied and then bragged about lying, but she seems to care more about the ring being worthless than her fiance being a lying dildo :shepface:

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:23

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

Just cut your ring finger off like in that timeless romance song.

Pvt.Scott fucked around with this message at 23:30 on Apr 21, 2017

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:23

Gumbel2Gumbel: Apr 28, 2010

Barudak posted:

Im not reading that entire terrible letter and I dont care how in the right the author is I hate them now and side with their ex.

I tried to read it and now I want a Gregg Williams coached defense to tee off on her.

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:24

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

I'd probably be pretty annoyed if my SO wrote me a loving novel too.

That said, :murder:

and so forth

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:25

I Was The Fury: Oct 19, 2012; Always stop to smell the flowers, just in case they're weeds

Barudak posted:

Im not reading that entire terrible letter and I dont care how in the right the author is I hate them now and side with their ex.

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:30

Panfilo: Aug 27, 2011; EXISTENCE IS PAIN😬

People think about compatibility in terms of shared culture, interests, and personality. But they often neglect how much they VALUE things- both material objects and time. If a genuine, fancy ring is important to one person but not the other, there will be conflict. If one person likes to throw down $3,000 a month on candles or aquarium fish and the other person thinks this is excessive, they're going to have a problem.

This is the kind of thing couples need to discuss early in a relationship so they know they are on the same page. But as r/relationships and e/n have proven, people are bad at setting boundaries or delivering ultimatums.

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:33

boner confessor: Apr 25, 2013; by R. Guyovich

Barudak posted:

Stingy girl and ring price is all that matters to me should gently caress in hell

she's entitled to be mad if he lied about it. like she doesn't come off sounding like a nice person but what she's angry about is that her fiance doesn't feel like she's worth spending money on but also wanted to trick her into thinking that he believes otherwise. like if he had bought a cheap ring and just told her it was cheap because he doesn't want to drop that kind of money on a ring it would be different. and then he told people (!) at work about how he cheaped out on his fiance like that's some kind of power move. like the smart thing to do in that situation is let her find out after the inevitable divorce when she tries to pawn the worthless ring

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:33

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

quote:

My [31F] husband [33M] of 4 years has a weird relationship with his pregnant coworker [23F]. I'm not sure if I should be worried or not.Relationships
662 points 434 comments submitted 1 year ago by coworkdilemma to r/relationships

My husband has worked with Kelsey for the last two years, and I never thought anything about their relationship was strange until now. For the past 5 months--the amount of time that has lapsed since my husband found out that Kelsey was pregnant--he has gone out of his way to support her in a way that makes me uncomfortable.

I might be able to understand his actions if they weren't so extreme, but they mostly strike me as downright strange and out of character for him. For one, when he found out she was pregnant, he came to me and asked if he could give her $1,000 to help her with some of her expenses. He said that Kelsey's baby's father was out of the picture and she was struggling. I don't know Kelsey personally, but I can sympathize with her situation. I agreed to let him write her a check for $250. I did think this was odd, though, because my husband has never been all that charitable. I've never known him to be the type of person that goes out of his way to help a coworker or a stranger, but whatever.

A few weeks later my husband came to me and again asked me if we could help Kelsey out. This time he wanted to buy a pram for Kelsey. The one he had picked out was quite expensive, so I wasn't comfortable with just giving him the okay. We spent about a week discussing it before we finally agreed to purchase a cheaper one for her. This came after he asked her if the second one would be okay.

I took this opportunity to ask him how much more money he wanted to spend on Kelsey and her baby. We had already spent $500 on them at this point, and I was starting to get concerned. We had a fight about this where he accused me of being selfish. He said that he was trying to do a good deed for someone and that he thought I would be happy to support a young mother-to-be like Kelsey and her baby. I did feel a little guilty afterwords, so I backed off.

Fast forward to last week. I found out after the fact that my husband had bought a $150 giftcard to Babies R US for Kelsey as a Christmas present. We had another fight about how much money he's spending on her and her baby, and again he accused me of being stingy. I asked him how much more he planned to spend, and he told me that he didn't know. I asked him if he could see how this situation could make me uncomfortable and how it might lead me to think something was going on between them. He said that he was disappointed that I would think his good deed was anything other than him trying to help a coworker. He has been giving me the silent treatment since that fight and making passive-aggressive comments, which is frustrating. I can't get him to understand that my concerns are legitimate. Besides, it's not like we have the ability to keep spending this kind of money on Kelsey.

In addition to spending money, my husband also has spent a lot of time helping Kelsey in other ways. He's spent time fixing up things around her apartment before the baby comes and doing other odd jobs for her.

All of this makes me extremely uncomfortable, but anytime I bring it up he accuses me of trying to stop him from helping someone in need of assistance or being greedy. He won't acknowledge what I think is very worrisome behavior. At this point I wonder what I'm supposed to do. I think he really is trying to do a good deed, but part of me worries that something else is happening. I don't want to believe he would cheat on me (he's never given me a reason to suspect this), but I can't help but wonder sometimes, especially when he's gone with Kelsey to her OB/GYN appointment on two occasions, though he claimed it was because she needed a ride.

Does he have a point? Am I being selfish for hassling him over helping Kelsey? How should I try to get him to understand his behavior is making me uncomfortable? I'm not sure how I should handle this situation. Nothing seems to be working.

tl;dr: Husband has spent a lot of time and money helping his pregnant coworker. This makes me uncomfortable, but he says I am being greedy for trying to discourage him from doing a good deed. Am I worrying over nothing, or are my concerns justified?

quote:

tl;dr: Husband has spent a lot of time and money helping his pregnant coworker. This makes me uncomfortable, but he says I am being greedy for trying to discourage him from doing a good deed. Am I worrying over nothing, or are my concerns justified?

Since many of you asked for an update, and you were kind enough to offer advice, I have decided to give one.
The first thing I did after making my initial post was to confront my husband directly again. I asked him point blank if he was so involved with Kelsey's pregnancy because he was the father of her child. He denied it. I then asked him to introduce me to Kelsey since he had given her money that belonged to both of us. When I mentioned this, he got very defensive and accused me of being insecure. I responded by saying that I at least had a right to know the person I was helping and that he shouldn't have a problem with me meeting Kelsey if nothing was going on between them. He then told me that he wasn't going to introduce us and that I needed to work on my jealousy issues.
I decided to contact Kelsey the next day. I found her, or at least the woman I thought was her, through a mutual friend's Facebook page. I sent her a message telling her who I was. I explained to her why I was concerned about her relationship with my husband and requested that she please let me know if she was having my husband's baby.

She sent me a very nasty message back. I will spare you many of the details. The basic gist was that I was old and unattractive and unable to satisfy my husband, so he found someone better (i.e., Kelsey). Among other things, she claimed that the baby was my husband's and that he was planning to leave me but felt sorry for me and couldn't bring himself to do it. She ended the message by telling me that I should let him go so they could be together. It hurt a lot to read that message. It still hurts me to think about it.

I confronted my husband that same night. I showed him the message. He got really quiet and admitted that she was telling the truth but denied telling her all of the horrible things she said about me. He said it (getting her pregnant) was a mistake and he was only trying to do the right thing by her and the baby. He denied that they were still sleeping together and said he wanted to stay with me and have a baby with me. I have no idea if either of these things are true.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Everything has happened so fast. A couple of days have passed now, and I'm still thinking things over. He wants us to go to counseling to try to work through this, but I don't think I'm interested in working on our marriage. It would be hard for me to get past this if he had cheated, but the fact that he may be having a child with this woman makes it harder. If I stay with him, she's always going to be in our lives. I have thought about waiting until we can do a paternity test to make a final decision, but I don't know if I want to do that either. It may be easier if I just make the change now. I have started looking for divorce attorneys. Most of my family and friends have told me I need to get out of this marriage, and each day I get closer to making that move. I just need a bit more time before I'm ready to make a decision.

tl;dr: It's my husband's baby. He wants me back and to work on our marriage, but most likely we'll be getting divorced.

Men, horrific garbage people or humans? you decide.

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:34

Panfilo: Aug 27, 2011; EXISTENCE IS PAIN😬

fruit on the bottom posted:

I'd probably be pretty annoyed if my SO wrote me a loving novel too.

That said, and so forth

The key is to coat yourself in pages of the letter like a cocoon and proceed to estivate until conditions improve.

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:35

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

Pick posted:

Men, horrific garbage people or humans? you decide.

Why can't it be both?

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:40

new phone who dis: May 24, 2007; by VideoGames; Morbid Hound

If he keeps denying you a commitment and you stay, that's your fault. Continually waiting for the person you're dating to turn into someone else is ultimately a waste of both your lives. At least she figured it out.

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:44

Panfilo: Aug 27, 2011; EXISTENCE IS PAIN😬

Pick posted:

Men, horrific garbage people or humans? you decide.

Pick, have you read The Gift of Fear? This story kind of reminds me of how women are conditioned to second guess their own intuition and it leads to dangerous situations. In hindsight we can chastise her for being naive but in so many of these situations her own spider sense was shut down by the people around her.

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:43

Tiny Deer: Jan 16, 2012

Barudak posted:

Im not reading that entire terrible letter and I dont care how in the right the author is I hate them now and side with their ex.

I'd make myself read that if I was having sex with her but yeah, I'd be done after that.

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:45

Gumbel2Gumbel: Apr 28, 2010

Tiny Deer posted:

I'd make myself read that if I was having sex with her but yeah, I'd be done after that.

Oh cool, now that we're talking about needs, I need to not read any boring rear end emails, LMBO. Later loser!

# ? Apr 21, 2017 23:50

SirSamVimes: Jul 21, 2008; ~* Challenge *~

Yeah how dare she try to communicate her feelings amirite

# ? Apr 22, 2017 00:17

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

SirSamVimes posted:

Yeah how dare she try to communicate her feelings amirite

Could she try not-the-worst-possible way?

# ? Apr 22, 2017 00:22

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 14, 2024 07:02

cumshitter: Sep 27, 2005; by Fluffdaddy

That salesman worked up the balls to fire his client and then regretted it.

I work with salespeople and if a client starts taking up too much time then they prevent you from making sales. If firing the client worked out for him this time then great, but the #1 lesson he should learn is to give people he's meeting with a courtesy call the day before to remind them of the time/place. It takes 2 minutes, you can always say "We'll discuss it tomorrow" if they want to talk longer for some reason.

# ? Apr 22, 2017 00:22

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