quote:

359 points 64 comments submitted 8 months ago by LeBonHommeRichard3rd to r/relationships

Been with my girlfriend for more than a year and a half. We've been casually looking at apartments to move into together, and over the past three months have looked with greater earnestness. I am a web designer and pilates instructor and she is a receptionist at a trendy gym. She got me a free membership at the gym, too, where her connections enabled me to land a once-a-week gig teaching pilates there.

Our relationship has been wonderful thus far. She is by far the best woman I've ever dated: she's smart, REALLY beautiful (probably why the gym has her working the front desk), can take care of herself financially, and we share similar taste in art, music, and a myriad of other things.

My issue is that two nights ago I found out she's been recording us having sex in her apartment. Pretty much every time I stay over at her place, we have sex. Evidently she has a nanny cam set up. I've never seen the camera but I did see her laptop open to a window with footage from the nanny cam on it. It was just a still image that I saw on her computer screen; I saw this while she was in the bathroom showering. The footage was pretty good quality when I hit play. Evidently the camera was off to the side of the bed and our faces are clearly visible. She had the video labeled by date in a folder on her Mac's desktop. I clicked on the folder and saw that she had more than a dozen videos labeled by date, and I could tell from looking at the thumbnails that it was always she and I.

I didn't click on each of the thumbnails but it was clear that she moved the camera around for each video. I was already snooping way too much so I just reopened the first video and left her computer the way I found it. I pretended I never even saw it.

While she was still in the shower I looked in her bedroom and sure enough I did see the nanny camera lens on her dresser drawers.

I haven't confronted her yet but I'm wondering why she'd even do this. I'm wondering also if she did this with other boyfriends in the past. My mind is racing with reasons why she'd want to record us having sex. Personally my hope is that she just uses it as fap material for herself.

Looking for advice and insight. Thanks!

tl;dr: I found out that my girlfriend has been using a "nanny cam" to record us having sex. We seem to have a great relationship otherwise. Is this something to be concerned about?

Rough Lobster posted:

Hahaha why do you people keep outing yourselves as weird porn watchers?

Bubblyblubber posted:

As a 1000 page celebration, have a good old creepo story, but genderswitched!

I [24M] found out that my girlfriend [29F] has been secretly recording us having sex.Relationships


EDIT OH GODDAMNIT

Caesar Saladin posted:

that girl should definitely be allowed to kill her friend and her dad, its the only way she'll be able to live her life

maskenfreiheit posted:

If we were joking about murdering a woman for leaving her husband would it also be funny? 🤔

maskenfreiheit posted:

If we were joking about murdering a woman for leaving her husband would it also be funny? 🤔

new phone who dis posted:

Money is involved somehow.

Cough Drop The Beat posted:

Pretty sure this dude should delete the videos and ghost his creepy rear end girlfriend and never speak to her again because holy poo poo

Cough Drop The Beat posted:

Pretty sure this dude should delete the videos and ghost his creepy rear end girlfriend and never speak to her again because holy poo poo

Tiny Deer posted:

If she was leaving her husband for her son's best friend in a torrid Instagram affair then yeah that's why we have an emote.

Whorelord posted:

I (28F) found out my dad is dumping Mom for my best friend (25F) and I don't know how to cope.

Elsa posted:

check to see if he's the only one in them or he's just one of her tinder boyfriends whose gently caress cam schedule is mondays and wednesdays 5 pm to 8 pm, and saturdays 9pm to 6 am

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

Golden shower, then bail.

Rough Lobster posted:

Hahaha why do you people keep outing yourselves as weird porn watchers?

maskenfreiheit posted:

If we were joking about murdering a woman for leaving her husband would it also be funny? 🤔

Whorelord posted:

hashtagsexytimes

quote:

To start with, this is kind of a situation of my own making. Seriously. I know the title has probably got a lot of people up in arms.

Background. I've always lived with a larger number of animals. When I was little, we had a fish tank, three cats, two tadpoles/frogs, a turtle, two snakes, etc. Obviously that wasn't always the count, things died and we got other pets, sometimes we had less, others more. The point is, multiple animals has always been the norm to me. I'd even go so far as to say that an unhealthy amount of animals seems normal to me. My boyfriend, on the other hand, grew up with one small dog. That's it. Anything more is, to him, strange and abnormal. (I don't think that last part really sank in before we moved in together, tbh.)

About two and a half years ago, we moved in together. I knew, going in, that my BF has severe allergies and didn't want "a lot" of animals. I think, in my head, the allergies part was more important than the "not many" part. When I moved out of my mum's place, there were 9 cats, a turtle, and she was still taking in and fostering additional cats. She also ended up keeping one of my larger of (then) 10 fish tanks. I downsized to one tank when I moved in with him, selling off my breeding stock and putting my multiple eggs into storage so I wouldn't have to recollect my more expensive exotic samples if I ever got back into the hobby. (I'd here like to mention that my home life was less than stellar. I wouldn't go full on RBN level, but my entire family, including me, is mentally ill, and it shows. Oh god does it show, when I was 23 my mum hid my car keys from me for weeks because I didn't listen to her and drove when it was raining.)

Shortly after moving in with him I was in desperate need of a new job. I found one working in a small animal chain store. You can see where the issue comes in. I'm a bleeding loving heart. I've taken in multiple animals and then rehomed them to save them from the chain-store fate. We're also in a lower income area, so the things I see, all the time, are appalling. I obviously ended up with some failed fosters, because of course I loving did, because I'm an idiot bleeding goddamn heart. (I'd like to mention, he's not allergic to ANY of the animals I have.)

Part of my effort to fix this was changing jobs. I now work for a different chain in a position that is no longer animal focused, though it still utilizes my extensive animal knowledge and passion. Since I took this job, I have not added any new enclosures to the house. After a fight in which he bailed on me, leaving me to go to dinner with my mother one on one, I DID buy some additional fish. But they went in the existing tank. The last animal I took in (who I shall refer to as rear end in a top hat Noise Maker) was last May. Before that, it was two in October of 2015. Nothing other than those fish since I switched jobs.

The dilemma. I think I've accepted that rear end in a top hat Noise Maker needs a new home. I adore him, I really do. He's the love of my life. But he was abused before I took him in (he had been living in a 2'x2'x2' cage for about 4.5 years) and I don't think I'm properly equipped to deal with his issues, despite my experience. I cover him every time he makes noise in an attempt to stem it, and to stop my BF from getting mad at me. It's not a productive way to train him, and I'd even go so far as to say I feel that his care in my hands has become substandard. He bites and he screams and he makes a gigantic mess. But every time I've tried finding him a new home, I find SOME reason that they wouldn't love him like I would, they wouldn't take care of him right, etc. I've considered asking my BF to just drop him off at a local rescue for me. I can't consider giving him up without crying. I know that rear end in a top hat Noise Maker is probably the biggest cause of fighting we have.

BF also wants me to rehome another two animals. (He is OK if I kept just my two small fish tanks.) The problem is that one of those animals I've taken to multiple meet and greets. No one seems to want him as a PET. Everyone wants him as a breeder, because he is not super 100% friendly. I don't want to contribute to the population of unwanted/ poorly cared for exotics. The other of the two has some medical issues. The thought of letting someone less experienced deal with it.... he could easily go downhill fast. To pawn him off on someone just goes against every fiber of my being. I rescued him from deaths door- he didn't eat for two and a half months after I got him. His back legs are paralyzed. He isn't in pain, but I have to bathe him and give him belly rubs to stimulate his bowel movements.

BF's side is that I have an obscene amount of animals. He says they take up too much room. He says they smell (I can't smell anything, but I work in a pet store. Would I even notice?) He says the apartment doesn't feel like his, because they take up so much room. To me, it feels like my animals are the only thing in the apartment that are mine. It's his couch, his TV, his bed, his dresser, we are renting from his MOM. I look around the apartment and the only things that feel "mine" are my pets. And I take joy in caring for them. They're my lifeline. If I'm having a bad day re: my mental illness, it helps to know these creatures rely on me, so I can't give up on myself.

I also took them in even after he started complaining I had too many. I knew he didn't want them and I got selfish. That's really what seems to be his biggest issue; I disregarded HIS wants and needs. He's not wrong. I was blinded. I was stupid. I was not being a good partner.
I just don't know where to go from here. I'm afraid that I'll get rid of them and then things will still fall apart. That I will get rid of them and then resent him forever. I worked out a way to stack the enclosures so they took up less room, but if I bring that up he gets mad that I'm trying to compromise instead of just getting rid of them. (I'd still get rid of some! I'm not trying to keep them all!)

Meanwhile, I can't bring up any issues I have with our relationship without feeling like I'm being met with "you still have animals so I don't need to do anything to fix this" and it's very demoralizing. I have some serious communication issues, so I've suggested couples therapy as a way to discuss this before, and get shut down. But I shut down and crumble the second I see him getting annoyed with me. So we've spent over a year fighting over this, and in that year I feel like I haven't been able to tell him anything that's wrong because I just get shut down.
I'm ranting at this point, sorry. He's been ignoring me for the past week. We are living in the same apartment, and he just ignores me. This is agonizing. It feels like my only options are to rehome the animals and just HOPE then we can start working on other issues. Or move back in with my mother, admit this is over. But moving back in with my mother is nightmare level terrifying. I know that's an awful thing to say as a daughter, but there it is. I'm sitting here debating giving away the last things that make me happy anymore because he doesn't want to compromise (I'd be willing to go down to just two at this point, I worked out in my head which of my animals it would hurt the least to get rid of), but I can't even broach that subject.

I just don't know what to do. Help. Advise. Be brutal, I know I started this fight by bringing things home to begin with. Any insight is welcome at this point. Where do I go from here? CAN I fix this? I really do want to, if that isn't coming across. I'm super tipsy and upset so I'm probably rambling on like a lunatic.

tl:dr I took home a bunch of animals even though my boyfriend didn't want me to. Now we fight all the time. How do I fix this?

Editing to add: I know that this sounds bad and I may be coming across as narrow minded/ whatever here. I've been listening to advice from my friends up til now and am only now looking for outside perspective. Even my THERAPIST has told me that he's the one being unreasonable. I am looking for advice I can actually USE to talk to him, because I genuinely don't want to break up.

Since I wasn't clear in OP: I have a small parrot, two bearded dragons, and two fish tanks. Parrot is in a 30"x16" cage, fish are in a 24" x 12" (double stacked) and the lizards are double stacked, one in a 48" x 18" enclosure with a 36" x 18" enclosure directly beneath it. Total of three "spaces" in the house. The compromise I have suggested would result in two 36" x 18" enclosures stacked one on top of the other. We rent from his mother. She lives upstairs. We are in a separate basement apartment but it is the same house. Every time I've discussed my animals with her she has not brought up any interest in having them gone, and seems to have genuine questions about their health and care.

Whorelord posted:

I (28F) found out my dad is dumping Mom for my best friend (25F) and I don't know how to cope.

Pick posted:

The reason that men make these unreasonable demands is so that women will leave them and not reveal that they (men) are gay. All men are gay, they're really worried about everyone finding out. But for some reason they've built up this entire structure that prevents them from admitting they all want to suck cock until they die. This is why they like women that look like twinks, because they're secretly hoping there's a cock in there that they can put in all their openings. Maybe more than one.

Haifisch posted:

Me [26 F] with my BF [29 M] 4 yrs, he wants me to get rid of my animals or get out

Pick posted:

The reason that men make these unreasonable demands is so that women will leave them and not reveal that they (men) are gay. All men are gay, they're really worried about everyone finding out. But for some reason they've built up this entire structure that prevents them from admitting they all want to suck cock until they die. This is why they like women that look like twinks, because they're secretly hoping there's a cock in there that they can put in all their openings. Maybe more than one.

Leon Einstein posted:

Did you forget your med or something?

Haifisch posted:

Me [26 F] with my BF [29 M] 4 yrs, he wants me to get rid of my animals or get out

Elsa posted:

nah jokes are funny

Rakthar posted:

It's a real life Ace Ventura, except horrible and not very funny and mentions mental illness casually a dozen times.

Who What Now posted:

So exactly like Ace Ventura in every way.

quote:

So, this guy and I have been friends for a while, and recently he told me he liked me and asked me out on a date. I rejected him politely, and he started pestering me about why. After a few such messages with me repeating ''It's really not you, it's me'' (which sounds cliché, but you know... It is /me/) he asked whether it was because he was religious and I said in part, yes, it is because of that.

Here's the thing- I live in a very catholic country and I've had nothing but bad experiences with religion. Being religious is a deal breaker for me. Is it wrong of me to feel like that? On some level, probably, as I do understand being religious does not automatically make someone an extremist but I don't want those kinds of people as life partners- it brings about a million of huge, important life questions, some of which I cannot compromise on, and I wouldn't ask someone to compromise their beliefs on my account either. He knows this is my view, as we've discussed it a few times, peacefully and rationally.

He went off, calling me shallow and what not and like... Ok, I can handle that. I can recognize that I'm known to be shallow at times, I can live with that. But he talked to our friends and even put a status update on facebook along the lines of ''LosingMyReligionLOL wants me to reject God, but I'd rather be rejected by her than do that'' which was... A bit over the top, and unnecessarily dramatic if you ask me, but fine. People are sometimes emotional in these situations. I get it.

But here's the thing- I'm being bombarded with messages and e-mails from what I'm sure are well-meaning friends asking me to reconsider my stance- why don't I give him a chance? He's SUCH a nice guy, though, and the fact that he's religious is really such a small thing about him! You'd hate it if someone rejected you just because you're not religious, that would be unfair! You're so intolerant- maybe you should consider attending a mass or two and broaden your horizons? Friends have also cancelled our dates and I've been uninvited from a wedding, due to the fact that 'I won't share the true joy of the sacrament because of my narrow views'. I don't really care about the sacrament, I'm there to celebrate what's supposed to be the happiest day of your life so far, and it hurts me that that's not an option anymore.

What I'm asking here is not if I was right or if he was wrong. As far as I'm concerned, and from what I've been seeing, I've made the best possible choice. I need to know the best way to deal with this onslaught of attention and slander (admittedly, this is a dramatic way to put it) from my friends because I'm tired of explaining to everyone that yes, his religion is a part of the reason I rejected him, and while it is the thing that cemented my decision, it is not the only thing. I need to know how to actually come to terms with the fact that my friend of seven years would have me over for coffee but not for her wedding. How do I deal with this? Do I just cut out everyone who continues to badger me about this? Give me some tips, reddit, I'm begging you

Pick posted:

Haifisch posted:

Me [26 F] with my BF [29 M] 4 yrs, he wants me to get rid of my animals or get out

Tiny Deer posted:

When she refused to identify 'the animals' my heart just plummeted.

My high school friend's mom and boyfriend hoarded animals and I will tell you birds and reptiles reek. This reddit girl has no idea how bad it smells, but I promise you that apartment is like walking into a huge wet diaper of hell.

Animal hoarding is sadder than regular hoarding because it's based in love and a desire to do good that goes horribly wrong and ends in bathing crippled lizards and trying to soothe a neurotic parrot that hates you and your den of filth.