/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

Like who just watches porn like it's a regular movie

# ? May 7, 2017 15:07

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# ? Jun 11, 2024 22:01

Fartbox: Apr 27, 2017; What's happening? Dri fu an only two? what is this?
Is this an avatar? I don't know rm dunk

What do you want to watch while we have dinner honey

Lets put on season 2 of oval office Slammers

# ? May 7, 2017 15:11

DragQueenofAngmar: Dec 29, 2009; You shall not pass!

WoodrowSkillson posted:

All y'all idiots realize you can trim hair without shaving it? If someone is gonna be down there a lot, trimming it takes seconds and makes everything easier logistically. Demanding shaving is one thing, asking for a bit of breathing room is another.

i should've been clearer but yeah, my issue is when any partner demands that there not be any hair, where hair is growing. keeping the length/volume under control seems like basic grooming for either gender imo

# ? May 7, 2017 15:20

Whorelord: May 1, 2013; Jump into the well...

I thought he was going to give me a ring and propose to me....but instead all he gave me was a loving Peequality. I need some advice.

quote:

About two weeks ago, my boyfriend of over 5 years asked me to a special dinner at one of the higher end restaurant rooftop bars over looking the city.
I was almost certain he was going to propose. It's been 5 years, i've spent a lot of it in dental school, and we were weeks away from our anniversary. I've talked about marriage, our future and the life I want to build with him.
I even bought a special dress for that night's occasion.
Half-way through the meal, the waiter brought me a gift as a surprise from zach. Here it was, he was finally going to ask the question.
And instead of ring, he bought me a peequality and spent the rest of the night laughing about "the look on my face"
I have barely been able to function for the past two weeks. Work has been impossible to do and I've been feeling depressed. I've tried to tell him how I feel, but he just laughs it off like it's some sort of joke.
5 years. 5 loving years and it's all a joke about plastic dick funnels to zach.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do from here. Please help

# ? May 7, 2017 15:42

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

Whorelord posted:

I thought he was going to give me a ring and propose to me....but instead all he gave me was a loving Peequality. I need some advice.

lmfao

of course but lmfao

# ? May 7, 2017 15:43

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

She could propose to him instead but gender roles.

# ? May 7, 2017 15:50

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

I [24M] have just started seeing a co-worker [34F] and I feel like I'm committing a taboo... help?!

quote:

Hey all, As in the title, I've started seeing this woman at my work and she's honestly really, really awesome. I've had some really deep and intense conversations with her and I honestly feel I like her...but! I'm her superior in the work place, so I have the feeling like it's taboo.

I've checked my workplace code of conduct and there is nothing that says there is anything wrong with seeing her, though I must exclude myself from any scenarios where conflict of interests arise. But I can't shake this feeling that I'm doing something wrong.

We've got a mutual understanding on the situation where we won't be going and telling the world about each other and will be keeping it professional in the office. But I can't seem to shake the feeling. Would anyone have advice on what I should do?

Tldr; starting seeing workmate, not against company policy but everyone around and all advice I've gotten makes me feel wrong about it. Help?

Ten year age gap, workplace romance, superior/subordinate relationship, it's like an investment in a glorious three-part story in a few months time :discourse:

# ? May 7, 2017 16:06

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Whorelord posted:

I thought he was going to give me a ring and propose to me....but instead all he gave me was a loving Peequality. I need some advice.

He bought her a gift so she could experience the same feeling as him of standing up and pissing all over someones dream.

# ? May 7, 2017 16:05

maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

Blue Train posted:

Like who just watches porn like it's a regular movie

people who unironically watch pirates

# ? May 7, 2017 16:15

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Danaru posted:

I [24M] have just started seeing a co-worker [34F] and I feel like I'm committing a taboo... help?!

Ten year age gap, workplace romance, superior/subordinate relationship, it's like an investment in a glorious three-part story in a few months time

Oh but in a delightful twist on the classic recipe the guy is the younger naive one. Its the sort of inventive surprise you look for from a top quality story chef, and leaves me hungry for the next few courses of posts.

maskenfreiheit posted:

people who unironically watch pirates

The outtakes from that film and its sequel are the only portion of those films worth consuming. Watching a nearly fully nude man expend the sum total of his effort to sound hung up on a girl but failing and coming across somewhat like a stereotype of tourists talking louder and slower to be understood is a treat.

# ? May 7, 2017 16:21

Fartbox: Apr 27, 2017; What's happening? Dri fu an only two? what is this?
Is this an avatar? I don't know rm dunk

Yes I also like to watch nude men

# ? May 7, 2017 16:29

ClamdestineBoyster: Aug 15, 2015; Can't post for 10 years!

Ride The Gravitron posted:

Wash your Balls

I did they still stank after a few minutes. :shrug:

# ? May 7, 2017 16:33

Rough Lobster: May 27, 2009; Don't be such a squid, bro

ClamdestineBoyster posted:

I did they still stank after a few minutes.

You're supposed to dip your ballsack into a container of vanilla Greek yogurt post-shave for the cooling sensation and then you follow it up with a dunk into apple cider vinegar for purification. Did you really never learn this?

# ? May 7, 2017 16:38

ClamdestineBoyster: Aug 15, 2015; Can't post for 10 years!

Rough Lobster posted:

You're supposed to dip your ballsack into a container of vanilla Greek yogurt post-shave for the cooling sensation and then you follow it up with a dunk into apple cider vinegar for purification. Did you really never learn this?

They still be stankin. :boehner:

# ? May 7, 2017 16:39

Noblesse Obliged: Apr 7, 2012

Rough Lobster posted:

You're supposed to dip your ballsack into a container of vanilla Greek yogurt post-shave for the cooling sensation and then you follow it up with a dunk into apple cider vinegar for purification. Did you really never learn this?

Need some bro-biotics all over those nuts

# ? May 7, 2017 16:44

dudeness: Mar 5, 2010; Cat Army; Fallen Rib

I've never been faithful in any relationship. Is that just normal for me?

quote:

Edit: TL;DR2: Bad guy looking to change, but wife doesn't seem to see any problem.

Far from Steve Carell's 40-year-old virgin, I've had tremendous amounts of sex, wherever, whenever, and with whomever.

I'm a 40-year-old white American, married seven years to someone I've known for 15. I'm from a well-known resort area near a large city, non-smoker, light drinker, make a six-digit salary, speak three languages fluently and conversational in a few others, play several musical instruments, fairly conversant on art, wine, and foreign travel, play tennis and golf, and ski, drive a mid-range German car, am well over 6 feet tall, in good shape, and most people rate my looks an 8 or 9 (mostly when I was younger). But my ego is secretly a little weaker than the image.

I'm on my second marriage, one child from each. First marriage broke up over her hating that she was married to someone outside their race. I live overseas so rarely see my first child. Mainly for family events.

I'm straight, and especially love going down on women, but have experimented with everything short of anal sex with a man. My first full-on sexual experience was at age 12 with a 10-year-old neighbor girl. I have no memory of being molested, don't know of anyone close to me who was either. Condoms are a must, which is a trick because I need a large size so usually have to bring my own. Keeping my wife from finding them, or course, since we have sex so rarely we don't have any in the house. Fear of AIDS means STD checks every few months (off insurance of course) and I've never caught anything.

When I go out with friends, I'm completely involved with them, but when I go out alone, it's only to look for hookups. I go from spot to spot, chatting up whoever I can wherever I can. Even on the way between different bars. I rarely go home without having at least gotten one phone number or contact info. I also rarely follow up, because honestly I can't keep all the people I meet straight.

Most of my relationships are strict one-time hookups, mainly because as a married guy it's hard to have the time free that would be expected for straight-up dating. Mainly I go to her place or a hotel. The relationships that last longer are either the long-distance ones where we don't have too many chances to meet, or where she's also married.

Right now, there are two different women I'm sleeping with outside my relationship, and I already have a date set with another next week. My second phone is not for work like I told my wife, it's a prepaid throwaway that I use for dating. I usually either tell women I'm single, or married but just visiting town. At first I was surprised how often "married but leaving soon" actually worked well. Have never worn a wedding ring, and never wear any other metal jewelry either. I tell everyone I'm allergic to it, and only have leather band watches.

Since about age 25 I've been keeping a list in an old art notebook with name (if I remember), race, hair and eye color, place she's from, place we met, and places and number of times we hosed. It's written in a language and alphabet my wife can't read. Right now there are 112 entries (I think; there are some crossed-out/edited parts). At least 36 of those are since I was married. Most are since I met my wife, who is entry #18.

I'm slowing down a bit though. There was a time that I had a different one-night-stand every weekend. I have no idea how many women I slept with during university. These days, I get a new hookup once every two months or so. But I go out with women a lot more than that. Most weeks I have at least one lunch, drinks, or dinner date.

About five years ago my wife accused me of cheating on her, but I denied everything and showed her proof she was wrong, and the topic disappeared. She actually was wrong about when and with whom, so I was able to prove my "innocence". But that innocence is long gone. I lost my virginity to five different girls in high school and college (or so they thought), have slept with the wife of one friend, girlfriend of another, and ex-girlfriends of two more. Plus, the wife of another friend, but that was in a foursome with him and her best friend.

I don't feel any significant sense of guilt or remorse, but I do fear getting caught. There's something exhilarating about, for instance, taking a woman on a date to somewhere my friends might be, or a bar close to the office where someone might see me. I've only knowingly been caught one time by a coworker, but he didn't say anything and I never heard from anyone else about it. I had another acquaintance who knew I was married run into me with a woman and just assume she was my wife. It was an brief conversation that may have sounded a little strange, but didn't trip any red flags with my date.

Oh, and I've never had a job until my present one where I didn't sleep with at least one co-worker either during or after employment there. But I've only been at my new job a year, so we'll see how that goes. I've been grooming a few prospects.

I have no bad things to say about my wife other than a complete lack of sex since she got pregnant with our child. It stopped completely at that point. I think I had been faithful for about one year right after we were married, but of course that stopped once she was pregnant enough to stop having sex. She never got her sex drive back after giving birth. I would say maybe once in six months or so when I pressure her enough that she gives in. Normally she says something like "I'm a mom now, not your girlfriend. It's weird to have sex when you're a mom. None of my friends have sex with their husbands either." Which explains her friends' husbands emasculated "Okay." faces.

Our child is the greatest thing on my mind all the time. The reason I work, the reason I come home, the reason I'm more careful with money than before and the reason I drink less. And my wife is a really nice, thoughtful person. I appreciate everything she does, but there is no physical affection of any kind. Rarely only a brief platonic kiss. But she's a wonderful mother, cook, and hostess; everything a 1950's guy would ever want.

So I don't want to mess that up. But if I get caught, I'm sure it's all over. So should I try stopping? But life is so much less worth living without any physical contact with another human being.

Maybe this is just what's normal for me?

Edit: Question: Other than "hey, just stop doing it," is there some legitimate actual advice about what I should do? I'm pretty sure that the biggest issue in the relationship is the lack of sex; if there was any at home I doubt I would be so obsessed by it. I suggested my wife see a doctor about it, but she doesn't see lack of sex as a problem. I disagree: it's our only problem, and the biggest one at that.

Edit 2: I'm sure the anxiety that brings me to ask the question is from having turned 40. I'm not going to still be able to find the intimacy I need at 50 or 60, am I? I've never been to a prostitute, but I can't imagine it in any way fills the intimacy gap, only the physical need. For intimacy it needs to be someone who is actually into you. I fear that as I grow older, the only way to find that will be with a new wife. How can I bring my wife's old desire back, especially as she grows older?

TL;DR: I'm a slutty guy and my wife hates sex. Is that normal?

That post is 6 years old. Judging by his most recent postings he hasn't changed at all.

# ? May 7, 2017 17:01

Adam Vegas: Apr 14, 2013

dudeness posted:

I've never been faithful in any relationship. Is that just normal for me?

That post is 6 years old. Judging by his most recent postings he hasn't changed at all.

This one annoys me so much because it's just one big old brag/obvious stdh.txt disguised as asking for advice. "Oh I'm really good looking and have a huge dick and speak several different languages and cheat on my wife all the time with hot women, and note the details of my adultery down in a language my dumb baka gaijin wife can't read, and- " :rolleyes:

# ? May 7, 2017 17:14

Bunni-kat: May 25, 2010; Service Desk B-b-bunny...
How can-ca-caaaaan I
help-p-p-p you?

ClamdestineBoyster posted:

They still be stankin.

Pluck, don't shave.

# ? May 7, 2017 17:15

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

ClamdestineBoyster posted:

They still be stankin.

Just put deodorant on em dude

# ? May 7, 2017 17:28

Barudak: May 7, 2007

Blue Train posted:

Just put deodorant on em dude

Just put a little talcum powder on them, get that ball cancer, and enjoy your massive settlement from the appropriately names Johnson & Johnson.

# ? May 7, 2017 17:28

Megillah Gorilla: Sep 22, 2003; If only all of life's problems could be solved by smoking a professor of ancient evil texts.; Bread Liar

Wait, talc causes ball cancer?

# ? May 7, 2017 17:30

Barudak: May 7, 2007

It definitely causes ovarian cancer as multiple juries have awarded settlements over that now.

# ? May 7, 2017 17:35

Pvt.Scott: Feb 16, 2007; What God wants, God gets, God help us all

Barudak posted:

It definitely causes ovarian cancer as multiple juries have awarded settlements over that now.

Stop powdering your ovaries, ladies. No matter how big you think he is, his dong isn't getting anywhere near there. YMMV if you're dating a demonic beast with tentacles and/or very long tongue to snake around in there.

# ? May 7, 2017 18:02

ClamdestineBoyster: Aug 15, 2015; Can't post for 10 years!

Blue Train posted:

Just put deodorant on em dude

So they smell like balls and deodorant? :shrug:

Maybe I should just try aftershave?

# ? May 7, 2017 18:07

Fartbox: Apr 27, 2017; What's happening? Dri fu an only two? what is this?
Is this an avatar? I don't know rm dunk

My balls don't smell

I don't think they're supposed to smell particularly bad

When my balls are sweaty they might smell like, uh, musky? Is musky the right word? But it's very faint.. and not a very bad smell if I may say so myself

Yes, I am quite fond of my balls

# ? May 7, 2017 18:07

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

ClamdestineBoyster posted:

So they smell like balls and deodorant? Maybe I should just try aftershave?

If your ball stench is too strong for a product designed specifically to hide body odour, you might need medical attention

# ? May 7, 2017 18:09

ClamdestineBoyster: Aug 15, 2015; Can't post for 10 years!

I mean when I shave them it's just like balls, balls balls, wafting like there's actual air pressure to the stank or something.

# ? May 7, 2017 18:10

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

ClamdestineBoyster posted:

So they smell like balls and deodorant? Maybe I should just try aftershave?

Well you said you shaved them I figured it was implied you'd used aftershave already, def try that first

# ? May 7, 2017 18:11

dudeness: Mar 5, 2010; Cat Army; Fallen Rib

Why would women need to put talc on their vaginas?

If they need to dry out they can just read this thread.

# ? May 7, 2017 18:12

kloa: Feb 14, 2007

the only solution is to cut off your balls to prevent them from bein stanky :chef:

# ? May 7, 2017 18:36

christmas boots: Oct 15, 2012; To these sing-alongs 🎤of siren 🧜🏻‍♀️songs
To oohs😮 to ahhs😱 to 👏big👏applause👏
With all of my 😡anger I scream🤬 and shout📢
🇺🇸America🦅, I love you 🥰but you're freaking 💦me 😳out; Biscuit Hider

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

She could propose to him instead but gender roles.

I'm sure she's having some second thoughts since the funnel.

# ? May 7, 2017 18:52

WampaLord: Jan 14, 2010

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO posted:

She could propose to him instead but gender roles.

This honestly seems like the worst advice, because if the dude is holding back from proposing, I doubt he's going to gush and go "Hell yea!" when she proposes.

# ? May 7, 2017 18:52

La Brea Carpet: Nov 22, 2007; I have no mouth and I must post

Signs you might be dating a dog:

My [23F] boyfriend [24M], of a year and a half, feels the need to constantly touch his genitals. I'm grossed out.

quote:

My boyfriend and I have been together for a over a year, and in that time I've noticed an unpleasant habit of his. Whenever we're relaxing in bed watching a movie, cuddling, reading, or even when he is playing video games, he touches his penis/butt/butthole. I should clarify that this is not in a sexual manner.

At first I let this odd habit slide, but now it's starting to irritate me, and more importantly gross me out. My boyfriend will very obviously (he will even tell me he is doing it, or raise his legs up so I can see.) itch his bare butthole, play with the hair around his butt and penis, cup his balls, etc. What makes this worse, is that even when I ask, or show distaste, he won't wash his hands. He acts like I'm being ridiculous when I ask.

My boyfriend is very hygienic otherwise. He takes daily showers, brushes his teeth everyday, keeps his nails trimmed and clean, and never wears his clothes more than once before washing them.

This behavior confuses me. I get touching his penis occasionally out of habit, or satisfying an itch but I feel like this is going too far.

Reddit, am I being silly?

tl;dr: my boyfriend touches/itches his genitals and doesn't wash his hands afterwards. He does it in spite of my obvious discomfort, and I'm not sure how to approach this.

# ? May 7, 2017 19:39

spite house: Apr 28, 2009

ClamdestineBoyster posted:

I mean when I shave them it's just like balls, balls balls, wafting like there's actual air pressure to the stank or something.

Hey, I get it man. I don't shave my pits because when I do they get sweaty and stinky about five times faster no matter what. Don't know why this is but it's true, at least for some people.

# ? May 7, 2017 19:53

maskenfreiheit: Dec 30, 2004

dudeness posted:

I've never been faithful in any relationship. Is that just normal for me?

That post is 6 years old. Judging by his most recent postings he hasn't changed at all.

Yeahhh, sorry but if you squeeze out a kid then go "OK, no more need for any of that sex", you lose the right to complain about fidelity. Part of being married is sexual companionship. He describes it in a douchey way, but in the end he's staying put to give his kids a stable 2 parent home.

WampaLord posted:

This honestly seems like the worst advice, because if the dude is holding back from proposing, I doubt he's going to gush and go "Hell yea!" when she proposes.

a better solution might be to point out they've been going out a long time, he probably can't do better (and leaving won't lead to a wild life of casual sex, but a life of COD and frozen pizza), and a ring is what she requires to continue the relationship

maskenfreiheit fucked around with this message at 19:57 on May 7, 2017

# ? May 7, 2017 19:53

La Brea Carpet: Nov 22, 2007; I have no mouth and I must post

Really weird/stupid situation, unsure what to do to stop it getting worse/out of hand

quote:

We're both in our 20s, been in a relationship for almost 3 years. No previous sex problems, we both really enjoy having sex with each other. Last week, we were lying in bed and got into the conversation of naming body parts. She asked me what I would name my penis, and I absentmindedly said "X" without really thinking, which was also her dad's name. I dont really remember what we said after that, but she was very put off as you would expect.

I went away to another city for a few days the next day to attend a business meeting. Fast forward to yesterday, I've completely forgotten about the whole thing. Things get hot and heavy, and then a few minutes after we start having PiV sex, she says she wants to stop, and then starts acting very cold and upset. She finally tells me that she thought about the whole penis name thing and it made her feel very weird and she had to stop. The same thing happened today. I know it hasnt been long at all for this to be a legitimate dead bedroom problem, but I can see it getting worse every time it stops her. We didnt even take any clothes off today before it started to be a problem, was still just foreplay.

Any advice for nipping this in the bud before/in case it becomes a serious issue?

Thanks! And I appreciate its a bit of a weird one.

# ? May 7, 2017 20:21

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

I (21F) woke up to hear and see my boyfriend (30M) masturbating to porn.

quote:

He stopped when I got up and was visibly upset.

We barely even have sex, so I feel like dirt. I even asked if he'd like me to leave so he could finish, or if he'd like to have sex and he said no. I feel like a useless piece of poo poo because he'd rather masturbate to porn and forget to plug in his head phones when I am in bed a few feet away from him and had just gotten back in bed from the bathroom just a few minutes before, his excuse was "You were sleeping, I didn't want to wake you up."

tl;dr Caught the bf masturbating near me, and now I believe I am the ugliest and least desirable girlfriend ever.

Am I overreacting?

"Sorry babe I didn't want to wake you up while I played porn without headphones and jacked it next to you"

:sever:

his dick

# ? May 7, 2017 21:15

NomChompsky: Sep 17, 2008

No thanks babe. I got this.

# ? May 7, 2017 21:17

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

I usually try to space these out but loving lol

Me [24F] with my friend [31M] Over here for 4 hours now, outstayed his welcome and is asleep on my floor!

quote:

Im supposed to be writing a biology essay, my partner is playing playstation in the front room (not the issue) our friend (31M) came over to drop something off. We chatted for a bit, watched some stuff on youtube. I am now doing my assignment and he has fallen asleep on our floor (in the front room).

He hasn't taken any hints that he needs to leave, he's curled up on the floor snoring, hes 31!!

How can I get him to leave without being rude? He woke up a little while ago and asked how long he'd been asleep, he then went back to sleep?

I want to cook dinner for myself and my partner and finish my essay without a grown man on my floor?

I feel bad because he's done me a favour and he's my partner's friend, I just dont know how to ask him to leave without seeming rude.

tl;dr: 31m friend asleep on our floor, wont take hints to leave, how can we make him without seeming rude?

# ? May 7, 2017 21:19

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# ? Jun 11, 2024 22:01

UnfurledSails: Sep 1, 2011

Sometimes "being rude" is okay. Sometimes it's not even really being rude at all

# ? May 7, 2017 21:23

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > /r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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