/r/relationships: Memento Mori Lasagna

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Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

TOOT BOOT posted:

Nah the guy's just a piece of poo poo. If my SO unilaterally put my pet up for adoption they'd be hitting the curb.

quote:

It was a "foster to adopt" type of plan, and we agreed that if she didn't get along with Maggie (our current dog) or if she was aggressive, etc. we would try to get her adopted ASAP.

Sounds like something they were both supposed to agree on after a trial run.

quote:

He has expressed a couple of times that he thinks we shouldn't keep her, but it has always been after she does something that upsets him and I chocked it up to being an emotional response that he would get over. He really hasn't bonded with Jessie, though, and hasn't made much of an effort to.

Also sounds like husband has never been 100% on board with this dog but OP kept plugging her ears and pretending she wasn't hearing it.

quote:

Thursday night my husband texted me while I was asleep saying Jessie peed in the house (for the second time that week) and that if it happens again "she's gone". I ignored it, realizing that he was probably very upset after having to clean up the mess and being frustrated with her.

...and then she plugged her ears again when he plainly told her he was at the end of his rope with the dog.

quote:

Yes, you are so right! We both agreed to not have the rescue post photos of her, but we didn't clearly define what we were doing or what would need to happen in order to keep her. I wish we would have discussed prior what we would do if one of us loved her and one of us didn't. We didn't make a plan or anything, and the longer we kept her I just thought my husband was wanting to keep her too.

Thanks for your reply.

OP even admits she just assumed her husband felt the same about the dog as she did. (In another comment she also says they have another dog and the husband loves it, so lol at goons trying to make him into a dog-hating monster)

They both sound terrible at communication, but OP's not exactly innocent here.

# ? May 21, 2017 22:54

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# ? May 14, 2024 11:53

Clark Nova: Jul 18, 2004

Eh, I guess they're too dysfunctional overall as a couple to have pets. Maybe they should start over with a nice fern?

...or kids

# ? May 21, 2017 23:25

Ride The Gravitron: May 2, 2008; by FactsAreUseless

Khorne posted:

It sounds like they talked about it a lot, it is both of their pet because they joint adopted it, and the pet is both a giant drat nuisance and really doesn't like the guy despite him not actually doing anything to it.

I'd get rid of the woman and let her take the dog with her personally, but that's just me.

#gbshateswomen

# ? May 22, 2017 01:02

FormerPoster: Aug 5, 2004; Hair Elf

Psycho Society posted:

This is also why couples should never adopt dogs. One person or other needs to take responsibility for raising an animal

Hmmm this winning strategy might make sense with children, too.

# ? May 22, 2017 01:18

many johnnys: May 17, 2015

Psycho Society posted:

This is also why couples should never adopt dogs. One person or other needs to take responsibility for raising an animal

drat, I was hoping to get a dog one day but I'm married and we have a house and it would be wrong to adopt a dog, because I have a wife. So many families making a horrible selfish decision, adopting cool doggies in need of a home

# ? May 22, 2017 01:22

The Lone Badger: Sep 24, 2007

blarzgh posted:

And she still ends up with primary?

Maybe the husband was an even bigger POS.

# ? May 22, 2017 01:32

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

My [24F] fiance's [27M] sister [25F] just got engaged and is planning on having her wedding really close to ours.
Wow, that is kinda rude of

quote:

So a little background on the relationships. All three of us went to the same highschool. My fiance (let's call him John) was a few years ahead of me but we didn't talk much in school. His sister (I'll call her Julie) was a year ahead of me but we were on the dance team together.

John and I have been dating since I was 19. We did not meet through his sister. In July of 2014 John and I got engaged. In April of this year we announced our wedding date would be at the end of July 2016. I was back In school and originally supposed to graduate at that time, but got a scholarship which is going to pay for my Masters degree also so my graduation date was extended a year. John and I decided to stick with the date we picked though.

Two weeks ago, Julie's boyfriend [28M] (I'll call him Eugene) pops the question and now they are engaged. John starts telling me about how excited Julie is and how next week she is going to look at dresses and venue. I say that is pretty fast and ask what the date is they are thinking of. John calls his mother and she tells him it will be October of 2016 around the date Julie and Eugene started dating. I am instantly enraged becuase that is all of 10 weeks after John and I are getting married.

John's mother said it was becuase Eugene wanted to get married before he turns 30 and they want to start having kids. John asks his mother to talk to Julie to see if she will wait a while, but his mother seemed reclutant and doubtful that Julie would move the date.

Then John tells me about how he went over there and Julie was going through their dad's jewelry with their mom talking about what they could sell to pay for the wedding. Their mom comes up with the budget of $10k. John says that is how much we had for ours and Julie instantly says she wants $15k for hers. Their dad finds out that they are planning on selling his jewelry and asks her to wait at least a year for them to save up the money so they don't have to sell anything, but she just blows him off.

John and Julie's mother is supposed to talk to ther next week about pushing the wedding date back. However Julie has said several times that it is her special day and she is going to get what she wants.

So, am I overreacting by being upset? If she sticks with the date what should I do?

Tl;dr; Fiance's sister is planning on getting married 10 weeks after us.

oh.

# ? May 22, 2017 01:34

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

I don't see the big deal

# ? May 22, 2017 01:40

FormerPoster: Aug 5, 2004; Hair Elf

Haifisch posted:

My [24F] fiance's [27M] sister [25F] just got engaged and is planning on having her wedding really close to ours.
Wow, that is kinda rude of

oh.

People who give a single gently caress about this sort of thing are the absolute scum of the earth. Your wedding isn't special, you're not special, get the hell over yourself.

# ? May 22, 2017 01:41

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

Blue Train posted:

I don't see the big deal

For full effect, imagine a "I want to speak with the manager" haircut behind the whole thing.

# ? May 22, 2017 01:42

CharlestheHammer: Jun 26, 2011; YOU SAY MY POSTS ARE THE RAVINGS OF THE DUMBEST PERSON ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH BUT YOU YOURSELF ARE READING THEM. CURIOUS!

Blue Train posted:

I don't see the big deal

It's not, I mean it's almost three months later.

# ? May 22, 2017 01:44

SirSamVimes: Jul 21, 2008; ~* Challenge *~

Naerasa posted:

People who give a single gently caress about this sort of thing are the absolute scum of the earth. Your wedding isn't special, you're not special, get the hell over yourself.

I mean it would be kind of rude if they'd set it within a few days, but three months? Get over yourself.

# ? May 22, 2017 01:45

HoAssHo: Mar 10, 2005

I will never understand why weddings make so many women so loving crazy.

# ? May 22, 2017 02:41

Psycho Society: Oct 21, 2010

many johnnys posted:

drat, I was hoping to get a dog one day but I'm married and we have a house and it would be wrong to adopt a dog, because I have a wife. So many families making a horrible selfish decision, adopting cool doggies in need of a home

Just make sure it's your dog, not a "couple's dog", and don't let anybody gently caress with your dog.

# ? May 22, 2017 02:55

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

HoAssHo posted:

I will never understand why weddings make so many women so loving crazy.

It's built up to be Your Special Fairytale Day Where You Can Have Anything You Want, and there's an entire industry encouraging women to invest insane amounts of time, money, and mental energy into them.

Somehow we haven't collectively noticed that other people stop caring about your wedding a week after it's done.

e: I can type gud.

Haifisch fucked around with this message at 04:13 on May 22, 2017

# ? May 22, 2017 02:59

Snow Cone Capone: Jul 31, 2003

Haifisch posted:

It's built up to be Your Special Fairytale Day Where You Can Have Anything You Want, and there's an entire industry encouraging women to invest insane amounts of time, money, and mental energy into them.

Someone we haven't collectively noticed that other people stop caring about your wedding a week after it's done.

The secret is to give up control of a bunch of minor stuff to the couple's parents since they're paying for most of it traditionally and it's important for them to feel like they're contributing. it makes the whole planning process much less stressful, and every dollar you don't spend on a ridiculous soiree is more money you can spend on a bitchin' honeymoon.

# ? May 22, 2017 03:33

Panfilo: Aug 27, 2011; EXISTENCE IS PAIN😬

HoAssHo posted:

I will never understand why weddings make so many women so loving crazy.

Because in theory you are only doing it Once, which puts this enormous artificial pressure to have it be perfect. If you normally host Christmas with your family, and you accidentally burned the ham or had some screw ups, its not as big of a deal because you can always try again next year. But with a wedding, you don't really get do-overs, which puts a lot of emphasis on how it plays out the first time.

# ? May 22, 2017 03:35

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

Maybe I'm just poor but the majority of people I know just went to a justice of the peace or whatever and then had a party

# ? May 22, 2017 03:38

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

Blue Train posted:

Maybe I'm just poor but the majority of people I know just went to a justice of the peace or whatever and then had a party

You are poor.

# ? May 22, 2017 03:41

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

Well la de da

# ? May 22, 2017 03:42

dudeness: Mar 5, 2010; Cat Army; Fallen Rib

My (F24) fiance (M27) gave away $170,000 to pay for another woman's education. Should this be a deal breaker?

quote:

A little background we have been together for two years, engaged for nine months. Money has been tight and we do share some of our income and expenses. We've been planning our wedding but it has gone slow because of money being tight. He didn't pay off the 8,000 credit card debt he's been working on. He didn't pay off his car.

He was out on a boys night and won 175,000 at a casino on a poker hand on a slot machine. He came home drunk and happy and took me out to dinner the next night to celebrate at my favorite restaurant. I thought our wedding would finally be taken care of, and maybe our honeymoon too.

Next thing I know the money is gone to pay for tuition for this single mother. I asked him about her and he said he doesn't personally know her, and had no hand in picking her as beneficiary cause he set up an endowment and I don't know what that means.

I don't know if this is a sign of things to come. It's irresponsible to not even pay off your own debt before paying some girl's tuition. I'm not sure what to expect from him anymore.

I asked him what this was about and he doesn't say much other than we don't need the money that bad. But we kind of do. He was contacted by this girl and he didn't say much about what she said. This all seems very odd behavior to me. I asked him why and he won't say anything other than it's okay we'll be fine. I just want to know what he's doing and why.
tl;dr My fiance gave away his winnings for a single mom he claims to not know. I asked him why and he won't talk about it.

quote:

He's not just a drunk guy. This didn't happen overnight but he definitely didn't deal with an attorney. He deal directly somebody at the university. He received an award from the board of trustees and I was there for that and it was a ceremony where a lot of people got awards. But definitely no attorney represented him. Could he have gotten swindled?

quote:

I assumed he was saving the money. Then at some point at the end of summer he told me he used it to help single moms pay for school. In November we went to a ceremony and he got an award for his contribution. We don't do taxes together so all I know is he owes a few thousand in taxes but he's not worried about it and says he can pay for it by the end of 2015. I don't have exact figures on how much he owes. I didn't ask about the money because it was his money. I just assumed he would spend it on your wedding and save some of it.

# ? May 22, 2017 03:44

BENGHAZI 2: Oct 13, 2007; by Cyrano4747

Blue Train posted:

Maybe I'm just poor but the majority of people I know just went to a justice of the peace or whatever and then had a party

The lady and I are poors and we've decided if and when we tie the knot were going to do it in dumb t shirts and jeans and sneakers and not give a shot and then get hella loaded

# ? May 22, 2017 03:46

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

dudeness posted:

My (F24) fiance (M27) gave away $170,000 to pay for another woman's education. Should this be a deal breaker?

He is straight retarded

BENGHAZI 2 posted:

The lady and I are poors and we've decided if and when we tie the knot were going to do it in dumb t shirts and jeans and sneakers and not give a shot and then get hella loaded

It seems like the best idea imo

# ? May 22, 2017 03:49

Psycho Society: Oct 21, 2010

Weddings are dumb you should just put a down payment on a house and then go to a beach and stare into each other's eyes while throwing rocks at seagulls or w/e

# ? May 22, 2017 03:50

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

Blue Train posted:

Maybe I'm just poor but the majority of people I know just went to a justice of the peace or whatever and then had a party

imo it's more fun that way anyway, but I guess that's what I get for being in a family of filthy poors not concerned with keeping up appearances.

I [23m] have been with my girlfriend [25f] for over 3 years. We were waiting until marriage for sex. Now she says she may never want it.

quote:

We have been together for 3 years and we have had a wonderful relationship. We now live together in an in-law style apartment in her parent's house (fairly private, just shared kitchen). We have fun, we laugh, we really love each other. When we first met, she said that she wanted to wait to have sex until marriage so that it would be more special. I was/am okay with this.

We have had some sexual contact (oral, manual, etc, maybe once or twice a month), but I was always the one to initiate. I truly love this girl but she is terrified/ashamed of sexuality, or she just hates it. She has never had an orgasm despite my VERY enthusiastic attempts, and I think it is because she doesn't have her mind 'in the game'. She recently told me that she may never want to have sex, even when we are married. She has never masturbated and any discussions of our sexual relationship end in her getting upset, changing the subject, or me becoming depressed and just forgetting about it to avoid a fight. Of course this upsets me greatly.

I'm a very affectionate, touchy person, and I always feel 'closer' to her after physical interaction. I love the feeling of closeness and intimacy with her, but it just doesn't happen often. We cuddle, hold each other, and kiss, but that doesn't fulfill my needs. I was perfectly fine with waiting when I thought our relationship would eventually have a sexual element. Now that that may not happen, it has totally changed my outlook on waiting. I guess it isn't waiting if the thing you're waiting for never happens.

Now I'm starting to get depressed because I feel unattractive and undesired. On top of all that, she is absolutely gorgeous and turns me on A LOT, which makes this that much harder. I don't know what to do. Is she asexual? Is there something I can do to get her interested? Also: She is terrified of getting pregnant and thinks that condoms + birth control is going to result in pregnancy because they're both 'only 99% effective'. This may or may not be a big part of the issue.

TL:DR; Been with a girl for 3 years. I love her more than anything. Waiting until marriage for sex. She says she may never want sex. Suddenly, waiting until marriage doesn't seem okay. She needs to decide before we are married because honestly I don't know if I could spend my life in a sexless marriage. I love her. Also, thanks, reddit. Just typing this out has helped me feel better.

This is a throwaway because paranoia.

Edit1: Her parents often make snarky remarks about her appearance/weight, despite her being a 'pretty universally recognized as pretty' woman. I assume they also did this while she was growing up.

Edit2 UPDATE: I wrote her a letter and told her, very gently, that she is always safe talking to me and we need to discuss the issue. I told her we didn't have to do it right away, but soon, when she is comfortable. She didn't bring it up but hopefully she will soon. If i have to press the issue again, I will. In the meantime, i'm going to try to help her realize that it is okay to be sexual and there is no shame in it.

I believe there are three potential issues: Self Confidence, Fear, and Shame. I need to tackle each of these things to see if one of them (or all) is the problem, or if she is truly asexual/not interested. I am not totally sure how to tackle each of these issues, but I have some plans.

In order to get her over any 'shame' she may feel, I'm going to try to expose her to sexuality (very gradually) and try to help her realize that it is OKAY to enjoy your body.

To help her get over her fear of pregnancy, I am going to try to direct her towards some information on birth control. I actually asked her if she would talk to her doctor about birth control and she flat out said NO and didn't give a reason. That is unacceptable to me, so I need to figure out something wrt that. Also, many people have mentioned that her low sex drive could be a result of hormone levels. Any advice on how to bring this up without her saying "I am who I am."?

Lastly, I think her self confidence will improve as she continues to lose weight. i support her, constantly reinforce her, and tell her I love her. Moving away from her parents will be a big help. They are definitely a major factor.

Hmm it's almost like the waiting until marriage culture fucks people up. Weird.

# ? May 22, 2017 03:52

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

Sex is a crucial part of a relationship and needs to be experienced before marriage just like living together

# ? May 22, 2017 03:57

GRINDCORE MEGGIDO: Feb 28, 1985

Blue Train posted:

Sex is a crucial part of a relationship and needs to be experienced before marriage just like living together

Yea. Both of those change a load of dynamics. That'd be the big thing for me, not even how the sex was.

# ? May 22, 2017 03:59

zakharov: Nov 30, 2002; Tater Love

A big wedding can be a lot of fun as long as you maintain perspective on how much everyone else cares about the details and don't go into debt for it. Source: just did this.

# ? May 22, 2017 04:03

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

I'd love to get dressed up beautifully and proclaim to the world, and especially all the people I know, how much I love the person I am marrying and how devoted I will be :colbert:

# ? May 22, 2017 04:08

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

You got the Disney disease tho

# ? May 22, 2017 04:09

HoAssHo: Mar 10, 2005

Haifisch posted:

It's built up to be Your Special Fairytale Day Where You Can Have Anything You Want, and there's an entire industry encouraging women to invest insane amounts of time, money, and mental energy into them.

Someone we haven't collectively noticed that other people stop caring about your wedding a week after it's done.

Yeah, I think what rubs me so wrong about it is the idea that they're doing so something so amazing and special by getting married. Like it's such an accomplishment and we all need to fawn over them and treat them like royalty because of it.* Most people get married. You're not that special. And you're definitely not so important and special that no one in the family can also get married around the same time.

If only people put as much work and thought into making their marriages work as they do into making their childish pretty princess fantasies into reality.

*(Similarly, I hate how in movies the woman always acts like she hit the loving lottery when the dude proposes - like getting married is the best thing that could possibly happen to a woman and he's doing her such an incredible favor. It's a bummer.)

Blue Train posted:

Maybe I'm just poor but the majority of people I know just went to a justice of the peace or whatever and then had a party

We just eloped in Vegas because his Greek immigrant parents were being awful and overbearing and wouldn't compromise at all (they wanted me to get baptized and convert to Greek Orthodox and have a huge church wedding, including flying over like two dozen people from Greece) and I very much wanted none of that so we said fine, gently caress you then if you won't even budge. The screaming and crying over the phone that we had to endure was awful (these are the same people who literally screamed and cried when he wanted to move out of their house at 24 lol) but they got over it eventually, though my MIL still occasionally tries to talk us into having having a real wedding one day. 16 years later.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding is basically a documentary, is what I'm saying.

# ? May 22, 2017 04:11

BENGHAZI 2: Oct 13, 2007; by Cyrano4747

I will never understand people who wait until marriage in 2017

# ? May 22, 2017 04:15

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

BENGHAZI 2 posted:

I will never understand people who wait until marriage in 2017

Some people still care about things and are willing to wait for good things.

# ? May 22, 2017 04:16

HoAssHo: Mar 10, 2005

Pick posted:

Some people still care about things and are willing to wait for good things.

That's all well and good but you really need to make sure you're sexually compatible first though.

# ? May 22, 2017 04:18

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

HoAssHo posted:

My Big Fat Greek Wedding is basically a documentary, is what I'm saying.

drat you beat me to the joke lol

# ? May 22, 2017 04:18

Pick: Jul 19, 2009; Nap Ghost

HoAssHo posted:

That's all well and good but you really need to make sure you're sexually compatible first though.

I mean I personally agree but people have had successful marriages without having done this.

# ? May 22, 2017 04:19

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

Pick posted:

Some people still care about things and are willing to wait for good things.

Waiting to have sex until marriage is a great way to end up with someone cheating, especially if both people aren't virgins going in

# ? May 22, 2017 04:20

Salty Josh: Jul 13, 2016; Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in.; Nap Ghost

I'm too salty for love.

# ? May 22, 2017 04:23

HoAssHo: Mar 10, 2005

Pick posted:

I mean I personally agree but people have had successful marriages without having done this.

Oh sure. There are always exceptions. Like, it's a bad idea to marry your high school sweetheart, but there are plenty of examples of people who did that and had a happy life together. It's just that generally it's not a great idea and there's really no good non-religious reason to wait until after marriage to have sex (that I can think of anyway).

# ? May 22, 2017 04:23

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# ? May 14, 2024 11:53

Haifisch: Nov 13, 2010; Objection! I object! That was... objectionable!; Taco Defender

Also there's no reason to wait and every reason not to wait.

Successful no-sex-before marriages are exceptions, not the rule. And the attitudes that lead to people waiting until marriage tend to create other problems, like sexual problems when their brain can't go "sex is evil and will taint you forever"->"ok it's cool now that you're married".

# ? May 22, 2017 04:24

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