quote:

My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married for 4 years. So currently, we live with my parents but not because of the reasons you are thinking. My husband works from home and so do I (I'm a youtuber), we moved back with my mom, dad, and brother because my dad lost his job and was struggling with paying the bills. So since moving in, we have been paying:

-1200 out of the 1650 of the rent -Internet -Cable -My brothers insurance

So all in all, about 1600 in total that we helping with. However, the issue is that my mother is starting to complain about how much time my husband and I spend with each other. It is true, we spend all day every day together. We are best friends and a lot of the time, we really would rather be with one another than elsewhere. It also helps that we have the same hobbies, we workout a lot, we do a lot of wood working projects, and we paint. So during the time that we are with each other, it's most likely fulfilled with activities that we both enjoy.

Anyway, recently my mother found out that I got 2 job offers, one from a statewide Chamber of Commerce and another is from a company that will allow me to work from home. She lost it when she heard about the Chamber and kept pushing me to it however, I was actually leaning towards the other position so that I can be home and better manage all of my responsibilities including Youtube which brings in 2k a month.

Well now my mom is being completely unbearable and it is affecting my marriage. She keeps walking around the house telling my husband that if we don't start being apart that she is "sure" that we will get divorced.

She even keeps bringing up anecdotal examples from people "she knew" who spend too much time with each other that they hate each other.

Additionally, whenever she doesn't get her way. She throws a tantrum and freaks out on my husband. For example, we were washing our clothes in the washing machine, my mom shoved more clothes in the washer while it was running because "we were wasting water". Well, she ended up breaking the washer. In the next 4 days the washer was filling up with water and she loudly banged dishes, yelled, and slammed doors until we siphoned ALL of the water out and had someone come in and fix it. (100 bucks)

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my husband and I are doing more than what is needed to help my family. Helping them financially is one thing, but biting our tongue has never been harder. In fact, we spend majority of our time in our room because she yells at us about divorcing when we are downstairs and continually tells my husband about how messy his wife is.... but in reality it was her who made the mess.

About to lose my poo poo.

TL;DR My husband and I spend about 20-24 hours a day with one another and it works for us. My mom keeps telling him that if we don't spend time away from each other that we will 100% get divorced. However, we are paying the majority of the bills and we cannot stand it anymore.

quote:

Still trying to understand what I like but I like being a little girl.

quote:

My husband works from home and so do I (I'm a youtuber),

Motherfucker posted:

oh word, whats channel name?

edit:

Also move out you loving adult rear end dumbass why are you even at your mothers house you loving simpleton, just rent god damnit

Motherfucker posted:

oh word, whats channel name?

edit:

Also move out you loving adult rear end dumbass why are you even at your mothers house you loving simpleton, just rent god damnit

quote:

we moved back with my mom, dad, and brother because my dad lost his job and was struggling with paying the bills. So since moving in, we have been paying:

Danaru posted:

Boyfriend [34M] lying about porn is affecting me [20F] and him negatively


Every aspect of the situation is but lmao at buying a sex toy and picking "gaming figure" of all things to save face

quote:

I'm wondering how to deal with this. I don't think arguing really works -- well before I get ahead of myself, please, please tell me if I am being unfair and if it IS stupid to split holidays with my long-term boyfriend. I honestly have no perspective on this so I really don't know.

I have a large family, two sisters (Vivian and Violet) and two brothers (Paul and Sam). Along with a few nephews and nieces. Everyone is older than me (obviously except the niblings, who are all under 10). Vivian is very demanding with all things family related. We were a close family growing up, despite how much younger I am. But obviously things change. poo poo went down for many years and that kind of damaged my relationship with my family in general. I still adore them all, don't get me wrong, but I also enjoy living apart and focusing on my life. I've gotten a lot of responses that that is selfish, and I guess it is, but I see others doing it all the time so I guess I give myself a bit of a pass, and maybe that's why I'm having this issue.

Thanksgiving: I went to my boyfriend's family's for dinner at 1:30. I stayed until 3. MY family was having dinner at 2. I let them all know I would be late and said "please don't wait for me, I'll just be there for dessert." Unfortunately, they DID all wait for me, so by the time I got there the food was cold... which made me feel awful, despite being (at least I thought!) up front. Anyway. Everyone was over it, no biggy.

Later on Vivian got me alone and said that she heard from Violet that I was going to just come for dessert. "I would have been PISSED if you did that. We're your family and you guys [me and my boyfriend] aren't even married, so honestly you shouldn't be splitting holidays at all. But if you hadn't ate dinner with us and you ate with his family instead, I would've been really mad at you. I'm just being honest."

...

I said, "Ok, I mean, it's not a big deal... last year he ate dinner with us every holiday and just had dessert with his family, so I don't see how it's any different, really. It's no big deal."

She said, "Well, that's probably because he's not close with his family, because that's really weird."

... Is it?! She then added "Well, Violet and her husband never, ever split holidays with his family."

My response: "Well, unfortunately Violet and her husband & me and my boyfriend are not the only couples in the world... Plenty of couples split holidays."

Her response: "The only people who do that aren't close with their families. We are, so you should never miss a dinner with us."

Am I wrong for feeling utterly lost on this whole thing? I don't understand the demands or the idea that a close family doesn't miss dinner... I don't know, I'm just so confused. It's hard because none of my siblings except Violet have significant others, and Vivian has no friends, so I feel like her perspective is warped. But - I could also be way off base on this. I just feel like I see people splitting holidays ALL the time and it's never an issue. My boyfriend's family doesn't get mad at him when he comes to see my family. So I feel like I am doing something wrong, but I don't know what or why, or how to mitigate this in the future.

I figured it was not worth it to argue, especially on a holiday. So I just said "well, I don't know, lots of people do it" and she again pointed out that we're not married, and said that I should want to see my family more, that I'm 'distant' from all of them now, which she won't get into but it's obvious... Then my mom interrupted the conversation and that was the end of it.

What do you guys think? I just don't know which way is right. I don't know how to respond to her. Should I just go with the flow and not worry about what she thinks? I know in theory I don't have to deal with her anger, but her guilt trips are constant and I can't help but feel guilty and confused. I don't know. It's hard. Every holiday is some jumping through hoops madness and it's beginning to stress out my boyfriend too, which is the last thing I want. I asked him if he had a fun holiday and he basically shrugged, sighed and said he wished it wasn't so tense every time, trying to please everyone.

Am I right in thinking that families should just be happy to see each other, no matter if it's for Thanksgiving dinner at EXACTLY the time it starts or if it's just for dessert? How can I explain this to Vivian, who is pretty rigid about her opinion that close families don't split or miss holidays?

TL;DR I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong or if I should not split holidays with my boyfriend because we're not married. I'm not sure how to explain that it's normal to my sister, who doesn't believe it is.

commenter posted:

What does Vivian think happens if two people who are both close with thier families get married? Bend space and time and eat with both? Or maybe they can organise a 50 person meal every holiday.

OP posted:

Pretty much! She thinks then both families should organize so that one family's dinner or whatever doesn't interfere with the others. I don't think she gets that nobody wants to friggin change plans for ONE person!

Pvt.Scott posted:

Well, gently caress me. Prudence lives up to her name.

quote:

and when his mom cooks dinner for all of us, she won't set a place for me

Mameluke posted:

New girl [21f] ive been seeing turned off that I [27m] have Lego's

quote:

This problem seems so small and stupid, but I need some advice. My husband (we'll call him Leo) and I have been together 7 years (living together for 6, married for 2) and we have a 6 month old baby. We both LOVE fighting games. We own a ton and we were both the best in our respective social groups. He's arguably the better player, and I've long since come to terms with it.

The problem stems from a new fighting game, one of a series. Leo was excited but I was worried because back when we played the last game in the series he didn't just win, he constantly won. He was competition level good because he would practice with all his free time, which was a lot back then. We bought the new game and having it in my library has made me more anxious. When our friends came over to make a night out of playing the game I had to take a panic pill before I could bring myself to boot it up.

I don't know where this anxiety is coming from, but I'm mortified of the idea of repeatedly losing. It's legitimate unreasonable fear, and while I'm tackling it I asked Leo not to practice it alone so that I might stand a fighting chance. I made it clear that he could play as much as he wants and I would play with him, but if he kept getting too good I wasn't going to play anymore because of this anxiety. I emphasized this wasn't his fault, because it really is my unrelated anxiety that I am getting care for, and that he could play whenever so long as he knows I won't play with him if it's going to be a source of anxiety for me.

The problem is that deep down I WANT to play and HE wants me to play, but four times now I'll wake up in the middle of the night and he's practicing alone. It's driving me crazy, but I know it shouldn't! He's a grown man playing a game he bought, and I know I should just be happy he's having fun and be proud of him winning most fights. But knowing isn't doing, and this looming, ridiculous fear is hanging over my head.

I guess I just want to know if you guys have any advice on how I can handle this better, either by letting him play alone and offering me a warm dose of 'get over it' or if you have any way to help me move on and play? If I could play comfortably, that would be ideal! I know me playing and having fun would make both of our days. Can I salvage this for him?

Tl;dr Husband is really good at a fighting game (like constant victory) and keeps playing without me. The idea of playing with him and losing repeatedly has me anxious. How do I get over my overreaction to a stupid game and play with him?

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

My husband [27m] of 7 years plays a game and I [26f] can't handle it.


lol

DragQueenofAngmar posted:

panic pills over a goddamn video game

these people have a child

quote:

I read all of your comments and on my last post HERE and i wanted to believe her that she wanted to be friends again. I didn’t mention in my last post but her reason for coming to my city is to go to a school orientation thing because she is moving here in the fall. And I had reconnected with a different friend after they moved here and I thought it would turn out okay. She invited me to the school thing (with free lunch) and brought me some gifts (bagels) from where she was travelling from (a place known for bagels). I thought all of you guys were biased because you didn’t know her and how like ‘hippy’ she can be sometimes. Very go with the flow, creative type.

So she shows up two and a half hours late (at midnight). We talk for a bit and it’s nice but tbh I’m miffed because I am very sleepy as I was busy all day cleaning and baking her fresh banana bread like the sucker that I AM! She takes a shower and goes downstairs and then me and my boyfriend (who she had to ask the name of! Like, you couldn’t just look on Facebook before you came we have been dating for three and a half years?!), we get ready and notice a big gob of toothpaste on his toothbrush? And we feel the bristles and its wet? No, she couldn’t be using our toothbrushes, I must’ve just gotten them wet when i was cleaning up or something.

We wake up and go to the thing, it’s kinda boring but like, I don’t have anything else to do and there’s free food and whatever. We walk around campus for a bit and it’s alright we talk about our lives and she forgets very important details about my life (a big trip coming up in a week) that I told her last night. I give her a tour as it is the school I graduated from but she is not listening. But whatever, I’m kinda used to being ignored anyways so. I just enjoy my free food and then we go home. We chill for a little bit but she’s hinting that maybe she could live at my house in the extra space I have when she’s at school. I say probably not since it would be a weird third wheel situation which she is also moving out of now (see, I listened to her life stuff!). She mentions that she thought she lost her toothbrush yesterday but then she finds it in the car. I’m now 99% sure she used the toothbrush. She leaves and whatever, it’s over. I regret it but I helped someone and that’s good, right?

Then,
I opened the bagels.
They are rancid. They smell like a forest floor. I look at them and they are COVERED in blue mold and my stomach turns. I am retching at the smell of these bagels. So now I am just furious. And I hate to say it, but you guys were right.

quote:

Before I noticed the mold, I offered her one the next morning and she said she didn't think she could eat a whole bagel. She had been driving for six hours and then slept for seven all without eating, you can't eat a whole bagel?

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

I think she has started to realise how much she hosed him up.

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

She threatens to suicide or has talk of I cant afford to live anytime you bring up money talks and budgeting. I have tried 4-5 times to get her to put 1/5 or 1/10 of her paycheck in an account and forget about it

But Rocks Hurt Head posted:

It's so frustrating to see parents continually kick the can down the road about these situations. As difficult as it can be for kids to confront their parents' mortality, it's even worse when the parents themselves are unwilling to admit they're not going to be around to fix things forever

quote:

My son is not 20-30 yet, but judging by his lifestyle and habits, he's headed down that trajectory.

He is literally interested in one and only one thing, and that's video games. At 16 I was playing games, but I was also outside skateboarding, fishing, taking my bike to the city pool and swimming half the day... and girls. I mean, I was really into the girls by 13, but by 16, girls were ahead of everything else. Play a game or go to Crystal's house next door and watch a movie? Pfffft.

My son, however, isn't even slightly romantically interested at his age. Nothing at all. The 17 year old neighbor girl has even come over and made passes at him such as "Seeing as how we're both homeschooled neighbors, we'll probably be dating soon!" He just blinks twice and goes back to his room to play more Battlefield 1 while I sit there with my jaw on the floor. She used to make excuses to visit our house like trading clothes and shoes with my wife, but now she doesn't even try anymore. Some other boy with a car comes over a few times a week now.

His studies are god loving awful. Trying to lock him down and force him to learn anything is next to impossible. We have to present new ideas to him in the most bombastic, colorful and exciting way we possibly can for him to show the slightest interest, whereas his sisters will take their textbooks to bed and read them as they fall asleep and ace their tests. I have to explain Algebra to him using Call of Duty analogies (don't ask) before he will even raise an eyebrow.

When I sit down with him and try to talk about important topics, then his eyes glaze over and I can tell his mind is in another place. However, if I'm like "Hey, did you hear about Battlefront II yet?" Then BAM, he opens up like a spring flower and I get a torrent of barely decipherable English concerning how awesome the game will be. It's the only level at which I can get any meaningful communication from him. When he's talking to his friends on voice chat, I can understand every word from two rooms away. When he talks to me, it's a barely understandable slurry mumble of words and I have to often ask him to repeat himself 2-3 times.

If I take the video games away from him and force him to partake in other activities such as reading books, then he becomes human furniture. He will mope around the house like his dog died, drape over the furniture and stare into the distance for hours on end. I'm convinced he's playing games in his head when I take the games away. I did this for a month once. No games, just other activities. I figured that with enough time he'd snap out of it and start seeing the value in other activities. Nope. Just a month of being a human throw rug.

My wife and I are semi-terrified that we'll be taking care of him at home when he's 30.

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

homeschooled 

Blue Train posted:

Blue Train posted:

quote:

I don't understand why this is the first conclusion that posters are jumping to. In fact, he did far worse in public school, to the point where he was going to have to repeat grades. At least now, with 1 on 1 parental guidance, he's making C's and occasionally B's.

We're hoping he'll be able to go military. I was Army for six years and he has expressed interest in it, however, his eyesight is incredibly bad. He may not be accepted unless we go to war again and they relax the standards to fill the ranks like they did when I joined in 2001.

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

A Wizard of Goatse posted:

Jason Sextro posted:

surely that's not real

quote:

The child of a strange but similar situation here...

My parents live with my maternal grandparents, and they have since I was three years old (right after my brother was born they bought a house together.

My mom's parents are extreme hoarders, and the story that I've heard is that they let their old house go to poo poo (literally overrun with dogs and cats and mess) so that they would have more excuses to stay over with my parents after I was born. The situation continued to escalate until their house was literally unlivable. They somehow convinced my relatively young parents (29 at the time of my brother's birth) that things would be better/easier if they lived together -they could buy a bigger house together etc. and somehow... it happened. And they've been living together ever since. My dad hates it and always has, and I honestly think my mom is just covering up a huge mistake by pretending things are ok. They are now 50, and have been living with my grandparents for close to 20 years.

The funny thing is that my mom and dad are the ones with full time good paying jobs (my mom is a lawyer). Both my grandparents retired extremely young because they felt like they could because of the crutch of my parents. And now all they do is sit around the house playing games on the computer.

It's just been sad to see my dad never really get to have the life he dreamed of because my moms parents loving live in his house (everything is shared, no inlaw's quarters) and my mom is just oblivious to his obvious discontent with the whole situation.
There are so many more hosed up things about the whole situation, but I'm getting emotional typing this out...

quote:

I know several people like this, two brother in laws and a high school friend..

The brother in laws, both in their 30s, still live in their childhood bedrooms, work minimum wage jobs and pay no bills, MiL even pays for their cars.(My wife didn't have a car until she was 22 because her family refused to help her with getting one and she spent all her savings paying for college, which they also didn't help with because girls shouldn't go to college).

The high school friend (now 34) had a job at an amusement park when he was 16, broke a plastic scoop in snow cone ice and didn't tell anyone, leading to a bunch of people getting plastic in their snow cones and was obviously fired. Hasn't worked since, still lives in his bedroom from high school playing his GameCube. Went from a 150lb skinny kid to close to 300lbs(tried taking to him about seeing someone for mental health, got mad at me.) My best friend and I used to try to get him out of the house to hang out with us, but got tired of him having to ask his mom for permission and money to go see movies.

His parents are exasperated with him. MiL loves the fact that they still live at home.

quote:

My colleague has an 18 yo daughter. He describes her as 'daddy's little girl' he is incredibly worried about her (first time i met him he told me she was gorgeous and people would take advantage, I was like sure, everyone thinks that about their kids. Til he showed me a picture of her at 14 looking for all the world like a 21 yo model with barely any effort - she is stunning, naturally beautiful, like something out of marble and I can fully understand his concerns, especially given she's trying to get into the fashion industry and is also intelligent enough to have gone onto higher education a year early - and therefore a year younger than everyone else)

She is utterly useless in the real world. No concept of money at all (went on holiday last month with $50 total, called her dad in total surprise that this did not last longer than the cab trip from the airport to the hotel. Then did the same thing 4 weeks later) Spends everything she earns on designer clothes/accessories etc on the grounds 'she's a fashion student and HAS to have these things' Decided she wanted to live in her own flat in one of the most expensive parts of town and got her dad to cough up 3k for the deposit (most second year student cobble together for a flat share but she 'just couldn't share'). I found this out during a conversation when he said they had a huge fight, he had put his foot down and said no, she'd thrown a tempter tantrum and he's stood his ground. He said 'she has to learn sometime' two days later money was transferred...apparently this wasn't the 'sometime'... She 'took him' on holiday - this holiday cost him over $1000 in food and gifts for her. He is paying entirely for her education (not entirely a bad idea, although we do have loans etc and it's subsidised, so it seems a little redundant - and the money he borrow to do so is definitely at a worse rate than getting her own student loan)

When he tells me these things I just sort of nod politely - it's not my place to criticise his parenting, but I literally have no idea what to say, so it became pretty obvious I disagreed. At this point he basically went 'i know i'm spoiling her but what can you do?'
I mean, stop? And let her learn how to do it herself? No one 'needs' a $400 clutch bag, if she wants one teach her about work and savings...
This girl is going to be so screwed when she leaves school, or when her dad dies and stops supporting her.

quote:

I hate these assertions of being "unsuccessful" in your 20-30's. People do what they have to do to survive and what they want to do after that. When someone finds what they want to do in life, that's where their time goes. Life isn't about monetizing everything that interests you. Being a human in this context is a (relatively) new phenomena.

Society is constructed around this idea of productivity being scrutinized based on financial gain or prominence. But what happens when their world comes crashing down because the enablers pass away and they can't support themselves? Well, what would happen to you if your good health were taken from you? The rug being ripped out from under you is a different rug than the one you imagine under these "unsuccessful" people but the effect is the same. Most people are a tragedy and few months away from the same "obvious" risks these people everyone loves to dump on have. You don't see it as obviois just as they don't.

Everyone doesn't need to be out in the world spinning a wheel, putting together a thingamajig or interacting with people solely to pay for a car and roof. I don't believe self sufficiency = success. I believe happyness = success. Find what makes you happy, do what you need to do so you can spend your time doing as you please. Money comes and goes, no one is getting extra time (life) dropped in their lap.

Clark Nova posted:

Bwahaha I was gonna point that out. If he's homeschooled he already doesn't know how to socialize with people his own age, and his parents are likely have terrible kooky beliefs around things like homosexuality (ever think he wouldn't want to gently caress the neighbor girl anyway?) and getting treatment mental illness.