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fruit on the bottom posted:Hey everyone. I'm looking for a little help with potential phylacteries. Someone earlier mentioned the bard who made his a song and I was wondering if anyone had any tomes on using abstract concepts. I mostly do work in theoretical wizardry so this is more for an upcoming symposium than practical use, but I was wondering if you might be able to use the abstract concept of Death as a phylactery. Ideally your own death would power the reaction but I doubt that would be feasible. Any thoughts? Weaving one's phylactery into the fabric of reality itself... is a powerful tool. Someone would have to be extremely powerful or stupid or lucky/destined (but you can cut down on those types if you really lean into being "evil") to be able to undo something like that. Reality is a tapestry, tightly bound, tightly binding us all together, and you will unmake yourself before you ever unmake me, I say. I am God-Dragon-Emperor-Father-Mother and in my place which is all places I am eternal. Keep The Laws. Automatic Slim posted:I successfully made a phylactery out of an unusual mathematical equation but quickly realized it doesn't matter if you're in an a advanced society or medieval poo poo hole (flyover state) its useless because education has gone down the shitter. Then inspiration came and turned the concept into computer script. Since the advent of crypto currencies, I'm more powerful than ever. But you've got all these anonymous people fondling your blockchain phylactery this way. I'm not sure that's safe, man. No one really understands how that poo poo works. Al Borland Corp. posted:Oops I'm a skeleton now. Any life hacks? I can't get my capacative touch screen to work anymore and I'm having to type this post on a computer like a 20th century evil wizard. This is going to seem like a weird question: do you have any nanites leaning around or somewhat readily available?
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Feb 2, 2018 13:09
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habituallyred posted:I heard this is the place for evil wizards to post? Because I just have to vent about being an evil wizard. Only being able to control evil sucks. Just the other day some dumb kid broke my side mirror. So I try to curse him, just a little, no dice. Too young to have a moral compass my rear end. Life hack: Start hanging around only with Hollywood Producers, Kings and Politicians. Maybe some bankers. A little shift up to your social circle should completely end your woes. You'll never have a problem using Control Evil on any CEO either, so time to get your magic working for you! Martha Stewart Undying posted:What elementals do I need to grind up to make a salvia-equivalent? Asking for a friend. That's how you get resists, not trips. The answer is Gnomes. You grind up a poo poo load of Gnomes. Bastards smoke drugs all day, so it might just be 2nd hand intake from their ridiculous tolerance. Heroes might come along and try to kill you, but hey, evil wizard thug life right? Pththya-lyi posted:My dragon, Princess, is now the size of a horse! I think it's okay to let her roam the mountains now. She's been going stir-crazy in her enclosure, so some fresh air and open space should be good for her. Plus there's wild sheep and goats to hunt, so that'll cut back on my food bills. Goddamn lazy evil wizards. That's exactly how dragons get slain but some dip poo poo who wants a dragon slayer title. Keep your pets on a chain and fly them like a responsible dragon owner that cares enough to disintegrate any rat bastard heroes with delusions of grandeur that make an attempt on your beast. Blazing Ownager fucked around with this message at 14:06 on Feb 2, 2018 |
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Feb 2, 2018 13:58
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Al Borland Corp. posted:Oops I'm a skeleton now. Any life hacks?
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Feb 2, 2018 14:05
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Anyone know of any vaguely sinister scent spells? Sinister, not foul. Zombies are great at tearing my enemies apart, but Goddamn those things reek. If only the smell went away when they did. Maybe if I could call forth the scents of sulfur from the deepest levels of hell, it'd air out the room Al Borland Corp. posted:Oops I'm a skeleton now. Any life hacks? I can't get my capacative touch screen to work anymore and I'm having to type this post on a computer like a 20th century evil wizard. I got you. Step 1: Get yourself a suit of armor. Maybe gank some do gooder for it. That'll have a few advantages. For one, if it's got a helmet, people might not realize you're a skeleton. For two, it stops you from breaking apart, which is obnoxious. Step 2: Fill that void with murder. Hacking up Good assholes is better than drugs. You get good enough at it, you might get promoted to Litch, then it's easy street. Step 3: While you unfortunately have no dick, learn a vibration spell and all the maidens will want to roll your bones Look at the bright sides. Hacking up people who intrude on your turf is not only your new completely free rush, if you locate to a dungeon in Texas, I believe it's legal under stand your ground laws. Just put out a few ads about your 300 pounds of gold and priceless wish granting magical artifacts, and watch the intruders roll on in! PS: You can also save a bundle on airline tickets by shipping yourself as freight and holding really still. The cold won't bother you anymore and they never scan for animated dead. Gridlocked posted:Bill was a friend man. At least as good a friend a Demon of Shadows could be. Hey now, Bill is never gone so long as you have him in your heart. I mean, have his heart. If he's a shadow lord demon killing his mortal form just sent him back to the shadow realm. Sacrifice his heart in the dark ritual and provide him 24 new virgins to choose from and he'll be back good as new Pththya-lyi posted:Ugh, I think my dragon ate another kid Are you an evil wizard or a total lawful pussy? Pay the parents to shut up or flash fry their rear end too. Ashes don't snitch. If you care in the first place Blazing Ownager fucked around with this message at 14:27 on Feb 2, 2018 |
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Feb 2, 2018 14:11
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Hotdog In A Hallway posted:Abdul’s Bone Wax and Polish. It’s what I use on my skeletons to keep their whites white! Racist
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Feb 2, 2018 15:12
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Al Borland Corp. posted:Racist
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Feb 2, 2018 16:21
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Al Borland Corp. posted:Racist But he makes the best Bone Wax and Polish! How is that racist. Anyway, I've got Reality Itself locked down as one of my many phylacteries, so the Great Work can finally begin now that I am One With The Laws. (Keep Them or I will know.) Here's a pro-tip for Being Evil: never tell anyone your plan until it's far too late.   
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Feb 4, 2018 06:13
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Dont tell the plan until youre laughing at the heroes grandchildren who youve raised to worship you.
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Feb 10, 2018 03:02
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DrowningInDreams posted:See, I told you nobody cares. Good, I secretly hoped that all along. Evil wizarded!
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Feb 10, 2018 03:14
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:But he makes the best Bone Wax and Polish! How is that racist. I once used alternate reality versions of myself as phylacteries but waking up in another body and having to adapt to the surroundings before ripping open a portal back to my reality got to be a bit of a headache
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Feb 10, 2018 03:32
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Feb 10, 2018 05:06
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Funny story: I got my huge castle insured a long while ago. Just recently, a ritual I was doing went a bit haywire and took out a huge chunk of the outside wall, some of which was loadbearing, and I figured I would tell the insurance guys adventurers did it. What can I say, I'm evil and I didn't want to deal with the consequences. Turns out they check these things. Has anyone else dealt with Ba'alim Insurance? Please advise. I would rather not perish.
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Feb 10, 2018 05:51
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vcvcvc12 posted:Funny story: I got my huge castle insured a long while ago. Just recently, a ritual I was doing went a bit haywire and took out a huge chunk of the outside wall, some of which was loadbearing, and I figured I would tell the insurance guys adventurers did it. What can I say, I'm evil and I didn't want to deal with the consequences. I trust you've made the appropriate sacrifices?
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Feb 10, 2018 06:35
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:I trust you've made the appropriate sacrifices? I heard Ba'alim stopped taking sacrifices a while back when someone was scamming them using cat souls
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Feb 10, 2018 06:41
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Well, they stopped taking unsolicited sacrifices, there are certain proscribed sacrifices outlined in your service contract. You may be able to salvage this breach of contact.
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Feb 10, 2018 07:00
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Hey guys. I was banished again. When I get out of the entopy dimension im thinking of trying dream fuckery. Any pointers on that.
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Feb 10, 2018 08:07
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Hey guys, First off, tabling the "death as phylactery" project for now. It's not that I've lost interest, and I think the theory is sound, but it's a matter of practicality and right now there are other things that need my attention more. That's actually my other big announcement. The neighboring elven kingdoms and the (human) kingdom of Elfenheim agreed to an armistice with me and in the spirit of friendship and goodwill we're all collaborating on a massive industrial project to generate massive amounts of renewable energy to all peoples. I know I have this reputation because of the company I keep, but I'm not really an evil wizard. I just have different ideas about progress than what the council would deem "orthodox". But I digress. I'm still working out the design kinks, but it's essentially a scaled up form of Mordenkainen's Portal Collider. Except that instead of opening the portals and then smashing them into each other, the portals will just be opened onto each other simultaneously, releasing massive amounts of chaos energy into the batteries. The trick was figuring out how many portals to open, and where to open the portals to. 1. One portal releases trace amounts of chaos energy, which is not cost-effective to trap. Conversely, large quantites of portals stabilize into three dimensional dimensional distortions, which renders the energy inaccessible unless the structure is breached. At which point everything explodes. Great for bombs, bad for power. Two portals provides the right balance of violently released energy and inherent instability. 2. Conventional wisdom holds that portals must be linked to a specific destination in another realm, but this is by custom and not an inherent limitation of portals. Portals can be designated to lead to abstract locations, to themselves, or even to other portals. Without giving away the patented process, this was the big breakthrough. Everything is perfectly according to plan save for a minor detail. The contraption requires a focus, an anchor if you will. Ideally the anchor is a gemstone containing a demiplane in which the excess burst of raw magic from the initial reaction can be safely channeled into. Unfortunately I messed up the spell, and rather than trap a different dimension into this sapphire, this sapphire contains this very universe... the same one the sapphire itself is in. I know what you're thinking, but this is well within acceptable bounds. For one thing our universe is much much larger than the demiplane, and the magic will be evenly distributed. It would certainly have destroyed that dimension, but I would be surprised if anyone noticed in this one.
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Feb 10, 2018 10:42
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fruit on the bottom posted:Hey guys, Yes, yes, I'm sure your dimension will be fine. All within The Laws (Keep Them.) As long as you patent your discovery and make sure you never give it away, making sure you slowly raise the price over time you still count as evil. Make sure you discourage unions, they're an industrial wizard's worst enemy.
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Feb 10, 2018 16:00
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ive got a magic wand so potent it puts witches to sleep after use
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Feb 10, 2018 16:06
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Ahh yes, Mordenkainen, the Alan Smithee of the magical world. I wouldn't trust anything the original creator was too embarrassed to claim as actually working according to the published theories.
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Feb 10, 2018 19:09
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Looking at some more evil real estate GREAT location but a bit obvious imo  This ones a classic, love the ambiance, a bit of a fixer upper
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Feb 12, 2018 00:51
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naem posted:
You might have a problem with those crebain.
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Feb 12, 2018 01:00
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I prefer a floating tower with no external doors myself. It's obvious but it keeps out the beginner adventuring trash that otherwise just wastes my time. It does come with the opportunity cost of losing out on a recurring source of skeletons but I think I come out ahead by mitigating productivity loss.
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Feb 12, 2018 01:17
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Go to your local tomemonger and grab the Bonebuilder 101 series. It will take you through mammalian skeleton animation all the way through draconic and mythic. The real gem for you is going to be found in the sections that focus on necromatic creativity. Once you get that down, you can toss out some poisoned bird food and go to work.
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Feb 12, 2018 01:27
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My dragon great great great grandpa has gone on a killing spree against all us mortal descendents so I've made a pact with Tiamat to get some extra power to try and stave off death. Except now Tiamat wants me to sacrifice metalic dragons to her. But I only need to fight chromatics. Help!
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Feb 12, 2018 02:03
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phasmid posted:You might have a problem with those crebain. I just let em root around in my midden heap, doesn't take much to earn their evil loyalty Oh fun fact- I knew Sauron in grad school. It was more of a friend-of-a-friend thing, we'd see him at parties etc. Kind of a dweeb, super into jewelry, always mooning after elf women. Who knew he'd go so far
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Feb 12, 2018 02:25
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Over-reliance on enchantment, corruption and soft power and then getting gamed on the battlefield because you didn't account for the fact a sword in the hand of a hero might cut your loving hand off. Sauron is a lesson in waste and what not to do. Morgoth is a bitch and his agents are a joke. I pity anyone evil having to deal with Illuvatar's realms though
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Feb 12, 2018 02:30
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P.S. I might be a little out of order on things. It's hard to put everything in the right spot right now. Anyway that's all for now. I left a lot out of my previous post, but there's a lot to digest and I don't fully understand everything that happened. More information when I get some time to collect my thoughts.
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Feb 12, 2018 02:34
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Was making a golem guard while wasted, when I woke up it was all arms. Like that's it. Nothing but arms growing out of this single giant eye. I was gonna kill it, but it gives me constant high fives. I'm thinking of patenting it with the guild for evil wizards and calling it the Broholder. Thoughts?
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Feb 12, 2018 03:33
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Martha Stewart Undying posted:Was making a golem guard while wasted, when I woke up it was all arms. Like that's it. Nothing but arms growing out of this single giant eye. I was gonna kill it, but it gives me constant high fives. I'm thinking of patenting it with the guild for evil wizards and calling it the Broholder. Thoughts? That sounds pretty boss. You think about giving some of the arms broken manacles and stuff for that "escaped from the dungeon laboratory" look? I don't know why you'd bother going through the guild. Their dues are outrageous and there's rampant nepotism. Whole armies of undead and goblins in the hands of inept greenhorns and people wonder why heroes win...
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Feb 12, 2018 03:43
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Martha Stewart Undying posted:Was making a golem guard while wasted, when I woke up it was all arms. Like that's it. Nothing but arms growing out of this single giant eye. I was gonna kill it, but it gives me constant high fives. I'm thinking of patenting it with the guild for evil wizards and calling it the Broholder. Thoughts? Sometimes, inspiration takes hosed-up forms. I think you have a winner there! I'll be interested to see how this turns out. basic hitler posted:Over-reliance on enchantment, corruption and soft power and then getting gamed on the battlefield because you didn't account for the fact a sword in the hand of a hero might cut your loving hand off. Those dudes' problems stem directly from bot Keeping The Laws. I mean, if you gently caress up so badly that the Forces Of Creation themselves have to step in, you deserve every bad thing that happens to you.
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Feb 12, 2018 15:32
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Okay, can we make it a rule that the disappearing evil shop gag is to be played on aspiring heroes only, not your fellow evildoers? I bought a supposed dragon egg from the witch in the next-door apartment, but when it hatched it turned out to be a drat wyvern. So I went back to complain but of course that part of the building had conveniently been removed and none of the neighbors even remembered there used to be four walls here. Ha ha, very funny Brenda, now what the hell am I supposed to do with this two-legged piece of poo poo?! I told you I specifically need four legs or more on the dragon. Thinking about maybe grafting some horse legs on it that were left over from my failed experiments in creating a reverse centaur (for a friend). loving Brenda, always running around telling the other witches how I couldn't get it up during the sex magic. Yeah that's nice, like the additional social pressure is gonna make it easier!
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Feb 12, 2018 16:10
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You need to inscribe Power Word: Boner into your spell book.
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Feb 12, 2018 18:29
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:You need to inscribe Power Word: Boner into your spell book. I think I can this wrong, I just summoned Andrew Koenig
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Feb 12, 2018 18:52
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CAPT. Rainbowbeard posted:
Melkor's ultimate execution was bad but the idea of weaving your evil into all creation is evil brilliance. Minus elves everything on the arda dimension has his taint. Like a moldy patch of wall in a fine house that you can never get rid of and gets you sick occasionally. Bacontotem fucked around with this message at 22:47 on Feb 12, 2018 |
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Feb 12, 2018 22:43
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I see it more as a defect stemming from his inability to fundamentally create. who loving here hasn't created their own life? you are some sorceror rear end poser if you can't even animate custom life
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Feb 12, 2018 22:46
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basic hitler posted:I see it more as a defect stemming from his inability to fundamentally create. who loving here hasn't created their own life? you are some sorceror rear end poser if you can't even animate custom life He tried to get in a rap battle with Illuvatar who is lazy but he can out sing anyone.
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Feb 12, 2018 22:48
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basic hitler posted:I see it more as a defect stemming from his inability to fundamentally create. who loving here hasn't created their own life? you are some sorceror rear end poser if you can't even animate custom life I'm new to the whole "life" thing. I do everything by the book(s) but usually the simulacra come alive and begin to scream and run around and it starts to upset my other abominations and I have to put them down with fiery quarrels. Maybe don't cast aspersions on people trying out something new? 
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Feb 12, 2018 23:21
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Mooey Cow posted:Thinking about maybe grafting some horse legs on it that were left over from my failed experiments in creating a reverse centaur (for a friend). 
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Feb 13, 2018 01:08
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Unholy poo poo!
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Feb 13, 2018 02:58
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